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fluidforthought · 6 years

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The Gender Tag

I thought this could be fun. I know, I know I am really late to the party... but that’s ok :). I’ve only just begun to dive into gender so this is all new to me and I’m excited so let’s do this!

Q. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

A. I would identify as genderfluid, but also have just become aware of the term transmasculine. Genderfluid means, to me, that I fluctuate between the opposite ends of the gender spectrum. One day I feel far more masculine but I don’t have a problem with looking beautiful as a women either. This is where the term transmasculine might serve more purpose for me. However, right now in this moment I prefer to masculinize myself over feminize. I am much more overall comfortable and confident with myself when I present more masculine despite being born a female.

Q. What pronouns honor you?

A. This is tough for me right now. I would say I prefer either she/her or he/him over they/them. For me personally they/them feels impersonal. I have not asked anyone to change or use he/him when referring to me but I often refer to myself as he/him (I tend to use words like boi and bro when referring to myself. I don’t feel that right now it is a big problem for others to continue with she/her. I do not like being called a woman though, I don’t like the word woman, and I can’t explain why. That being said I don’t know that I want to be called a man either. This is obviously something I am still trying to work through myself, so what a long answer. In a perfect world it would be cool if everyone could tell what gender I was representing on any given day and choose the appropriate pronouns, but they aren’t a huge deal to me. Right now anyway.

Q. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

A. T-shirts and jeans or shorts, tennis shoes. I’m in the process of amping up my wardrobe to fit what I see in my head. I’ve been wearing bro tanks and khaki colored knee length shorts for the summer, some casual dude shoes or flip flops from the guys section. I’ve realized how much I love bow ties and neckties and have begun a collection of them, and would like to grow my button up shirt collection. I bought some very sleek men’s dress shoes too. I want my clothing to be the definition of dapper. Gentlemanly.

Q. Body hair... how do you style your hair, do you have facial hair, and what do you choose to shave and not to shave?

A. Right now my hair on my head is tall on top and shorter on the sides. I’m trying to figure out how I want to deal with it haha. I either just toss a hat on my head or comb it over and throw some Old Spice Fiberwax in it to add volume.

I don’t have facial hair because, well, none grows there. I wonder if I would look cool with a beard? Idk, I have never thought about that... but I’d need some help from T for that.

I like to have clean shaven legs and armpits. I’ve tried growing both out but I just get so uncomfortable and itchy, I can’t get myself past the itchy stage. I’ve always liked the idea of being able to be more free with that but the discomfort is too much for me to handle. I don’t shave above my knee though, and that means I don’t shave my junk. I remember trying to shave that area when it first started to grow but, I hated it so I just let it go. Needless to say it's probably been 8-10 years since I’ve done anything with that.

Q. Do you choose to wear makeup? Paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use?

A. I didn’t wear makeup until I came to college. I finally starting learning my freshman year and tried to wear it as expected. But I hated how dirty in made my skin feel. How cakey and greasy. And there is a particular smell to a full face of makeup that I just hate. So gradually I quite and now four years later I am back to not really ever reaching for makeup. I take pride in the fact that I am comfortable without it. Occasionally I like to dabble with it though, it’s a fun hobby but not a necessity.

I don’t paint my nails any more either. I used to a lot but it was so much work that never lasted long enough for it to be worth it. So now I am in love with my natural nails and I have a hard time thinking about painting over them, they are healthy, no need to change them.

I’ve switched to men’s soap in the shower, a matter of fact I made the bold switch to cheap 3-in-1 soap so I don’t even buy shampoo and conditioner and body soap any more, I just use all the same stuff from one bottle. I do have a wide selection of perfumes as I wen t through a bath and body perfume phase a coupe of years ago but have faded out the use of those over time too. I bought a cologne that I wear on “special” occasions, and I tend to use men’s deodorant (IT WORKS BETTER, and smells tasty too).

Q. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so how often?

A. I experienced this for the first time about two weeks ago! I wear swim trunks and a tank to the pool and I was climbing out of the pool and a guy was walking past and he nodded and said “what’s up man?” This caught me off guard but I kind of liked it. Because he perceived me as a male instead of a female which has never happened before, which means I was passing as I was expressing to an extent and that was a really epic feeling. A little kid once called me sir due to my short hair but his mom was quick to correct him saying that I was a lady. I didn’t like that.

Q. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

A. I wouldn’t say I really experience dysphoria. But I do experience a lot of euphoria. When I am going about my life as a female I don’t excessively hate any of my parts. I don’t experience feeling disconnected with my anatomy. However, when I pack, I feel absolutely on top of this world. I am far more confident in myself and more courageous. And it has only been the last couple of months where when I am packing I wish so badly that I had a binder, to simply complete the feeling, the whole desired expression. But when I don’t pack I don’t feel any less than I am which I am very thankful for.

Q. Children, are you interested? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

A. Children is the hardest question ever!! I still feel confused about whether or not I want them. I’ve always felt like I would want to carry a baby, to experience that intense connection with a human being for 9 months, I’ve always thought that I would like to understand what it is like to be pregnant. But I’ve never really seen myself keeping it (like maybe I carried it as a surrogate or something). I’ve never felt very comfortable around kids, I don’t know how to act or talk or simply be with kids without feeling an insane amount of awkward. I don’t know why this is the case I have four younger siblings I should be comfortable.

I don’t think I would resent having a kid if it happened, especially if it was with a long term partner, the thought of a small family is something I have always loved but just never decided if it was really what I want. Maybe fur babies??? ;)

If I did have my own kids of course I would want to be the primary caretaker, well me and my partner together. I would want to be able to support them and love them and teach them and watch them grow everyday.

Q. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

A. Money isn’t as important to me as it probably should be. I have always wanted to put love first. I believe that with love, you have everything. But if I did have a family absolutely I would want to be able to provide for them. I would want to be able to spoil them and surprise them. I would want to be able to set up autopay for my bills because I had money left over every month and never have to worry about waiting for the next paycheck before I could pay the electric bill.

I don’t care who makes more money, that shouldn’t matter, setting unfair pay based on gender aside... I don’t like that competition.

I wouldn’t say I prefer to pay for dates, I like to take turns. If the date was my idea I pay, your idea? You pay. Evening stuff like that out I think is important. And yes I am uncomfortable when someone offers to pay for me, and that goes for EVERYONE, even my grandparents. I want to pay sometimes, again, let’s even things out. I always feel obligated to pay back.

Q. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

A. I didn’t even realize I needed to step back and look at gender until a year and a half ago. And now that I have, I fell so proud of myself. I’ve made baby steps to feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I have realized that I don’t need to be so concerned with what others think, I am me and that is truly all that matters. I have never felt so confident. I am talking to strangers, I’m sharing love with people when I used to feel the need to bottle it up and save for very specific people. But everyone is deserving of love.

I keep saying I feel my heart has grown three sizes sense I started looking at my gender. I feel more open and accepting than I ever have before and that is liberating. I’m sharing more and more of myself with people when I’ve always been so, so shy and quiet. I’m letting people in and I’m allowing myself to form in the public eye and I’ve just never felt so excited!

I’ve realized that I simply want to be a gentleman, so that is just what I will be.

#gendertag #the gender tag #2018 #gender #fluid #genderfluid #q and a #transmasculine #exploring #building confidence #pansexual

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