#i just thought this would be a really funny april fool's day joke LMAAAO

[kimbapisnotsushi]

the day had started off normal enough.

kenma had wrapped up a company-wide conference, tweeted a livestream announcement for eight p.m. that night, finished his homework at the office, and signed off on another product to be released all within a span of three hours hours. with the rest of his schedule free, he could go home, kick back, and relax until it was time to play misfiction. maybe he could make some more progress on animal crossing? or finally crack open pokemon legends: arceus?

that second one sounded like a better idea, kenma decided. he wasn't ashamed to admit that he had a crush on adamant AND iridia.

once he was back in the house, he chucked off his suit jacket and loosened his tie. being CEO of your own company, thought kenma, was entirely useless if you couldn't even wear a hoodie and sweatpants to all the important meetings.

he threw his bedroom door open and froze.

kuroo was lying on the bed, shirtless, with a head propped up on one hand. it was probably supposed to be seductive, but kenma had no idea why.

after all, everyone knew how much he was mean to kuroo. it was his number one character trait!

"hi, kitten," kuroo purred. "miss me?"

"kuro," kenma said, exasperated. "what are you doing?"

kuroo's smile faded. "did you not like it? i thought maybe if i gave you a cute nickname, you'd want to get back together."

kenma stared at him. "what?"

"kitten, didn't you hear?" kuroo's eyes filled with tears. "we can't be in a relationship anymore. childhood-friends-to-lovers is incest now!"

kenma scoffed. "as if i'd ever want to be lovers with you. i have hinata instead. he's so much more interesting, but once i get tired of him then i'll just ditch him and get a new boytoy to mess around with."

the bedroom door suddenly burst open. it was . . . oikawa tooru!

"how dare you!" he screeched. "shouyou deserves so much more! he and i spent a very passionate night together in rio, you know! it's all people ever talk about when they they think of us in brazil! there's absolutely no other meaning to it than just us hooking up!"

"whatever," kenma said, rolling his eyes. "i don't care as long as he's making me money."

"now, now," sugawara crooned (where did he even come from? hell if i know). "let's not fight. that is my innocent angel sweet summer child you're talking about, after all, i'm basically his mom - "

("i'm twenty-two!" shouted hinata from where i stuffed him in the margins. "and you know my mother is very much alive, sugawara-san! also, i FUCK! I FUCK HARD!!")

" - so naturally i know what's best for him!" sugawara continued. "and what he would want is for everyone to hold hands and get along. agreed?"

daichi grinned and nuzzled sugawara's cheek. "you're so smart! i can't wait to start a happy, cisgender-conforming, nuclear family with you."

a voice called from the hallway: "HEY HEY HEY!"

the bedroom door flew open again! how in the world has it not been broken yet???

bokuto cartwheeled into the room and puffed out his chest. when he saw that nobody was paying attention to him because they were too busy hissing at each other, he pouted.

"guys, come on!" he complained. "no fighting! let's have some fun instead!"

"it's no use, bokuto-san," akaashi said. "stereotypically-feminine traits such as being petty, catty, and more have been greatly exaggerated in us setters because we have been deemed more feminine due to what i assume is a vast and complex myriad of factors stemming from microaggressions intersecting with fans' understandings of the world amongst other things, but i expect you are too dumb to understand any of that."

bokuto stared blankly at akaashi. "huh?"

akaashi heaved a deep sigh, plagued by the burden of being the only one with brains in the relationship. "never mind. i still love you, and that's all you need to know."

"okay!" bokuto said cheerfully.

suddenly the bedroom door flew open for the third time that day! who even keeps closing it?

"i'm looking for hinata," said kageyama, poking his head past the doorframe. "has anyone seen him?"

immediately, everyone froze. their eyes shifted from kageyama to oikawa, who had swelled up with incandescent rage because he still retained everything from when he was fourteen and hadn't gone through any growth whatsoever since then.

atsumu whistled. "aw, geez. we might argue a lot, but at least we're not anythin' like that, right, omi-omi?"

"shut up and don't call me that," sakusa muttered darkly. "i hate you. i hate everyone. i hate being here. when was the last time anyone vacuumed in here?"

"if you hate it so much," atsumu said, smirking, "we could sneak away and make out somewhere. could even . . . you know . . . "

"why."

atsumu shrugged. "i am an inexplicably horny sex-on-legs bastard, apparently. especially with you. i mean, have you seen our ao3 tag?"

sakusa frowned. "we've barely had any canon time together."

"eh, people have worked with less." atsumu grinned. "'sides, i dig the whole enemies-to-lovers thing. just means you couldn't resist my charms, huh?"

sakusa would have responded with an audible gag, but . . . you guessed it! the bedroom door flew open AGAIN! this is a bedroom door that defies the laws of physics itself!

yachi stepped in and glanced around.

"weird," she said. "why is this bedroom so big? what are all of you doing?"

yachi hitoka, everyone. our only saving grace. she carries the sole brain cell and wrangles the childish dumb men, because they can't ever think for themselves. right? right?????

tsukishima scowled as he followed after her, trailed by yamaguchi. "ugh. do we have to be here?"

"tsukishima!" yachi scolded, swatting his arm. "be nice! you know these are all our friends!"

sigh.

yamaguchi didn't even greet anyone. he just stayed behind tsukki the whole time, looking like a mouse cornered in a city of cats.

suddenly, a BAM! made everyone jump! you have got to be kidding me! the bedroom door agai - oh, never mind! someone just kicked open the closet door!

"SHITTYKAWA!" iwaizumi roared. "get over here!"

oikawa''s eyes widened. "iwa-chan! what are you doing here?"

"looking for you, dumbass," iwaizumi snapped. "you haven't been taking care of yourself! but i'd never say it, because i'm an asshole. i'm a rock wall. i'm a hardened tough guy. i'm mean. i don't ever say or do anything nice. i throw volleyballs at your head for fun. i don't care about you at all. got it?"

("so you're saying he literally just came out of the closet for oikawa - " hinata began, before i shoved him back down into the margins.)

"no wonder i'm such an asshole," kindaichi marveled. "i guess i learned it all from iwaizumi-san! wow, he's a great role model."

being a stressed fourteen-year-old who didn't know how to handle another stressed fourteen-year-old that was causing said stress and eventually snapping from it and making a mistake, as people are prone to do, didn't really make you an asshole for the rest of your life, but hey. kindaichi didn't have to know any of that.

"it's getting kind of crowded in here, don't you think?" yachi asked, ever the voice of reason. "maybe we should get out and get some fresh air?"

ushijima nodded solemnly. wait - had he always been there?

"fresh air is good for the soul," he said. "not that i would know, because i'm an unfeeling robot who is strong and dominant and the epitome of masculinity. being stoic and silent are the only things i know. you should all bow down before my superior strength."

everyone stared at him.

suddenly, the bedroom door burst open AGAIN! this shouldn't be possible! it was already open in the first place! I KEPT IT OPEN! HOW DO THEY KEEP DOING THIS?

"guys!" hinata ran in, panting. "i finally did it! i escaped the margins!"

"the what?" sugawara asked.

hinata waved him off. "never mind that. it's about time to wrap up. we've put on a good show, but we should end it, don't you think?"

"hinata's right," kenma admitted. "i didn't think i could do this much longer, anyways."

oikawa made a face. "me neither. sorry, tobio. i hope you didn't take anything to heart."

"i'm okay," kageyama said. "i know better, now. we both know better."

"that we do," oikawa agreed warmly. "and weren't you looking for hinata? that's why you were here, right? you were the only one of us not part of an act."

kageyama blinked, as if he had forgotten all about that. not that anyone could blame him - i'm not even sure what the hell just happened.

"right," he said, then grabbed hinata's arm and tugged him close. "hey. i love you."

"what!" hinata squawked. "kageyama, what - "

kageyama shrugged, but red began to bloom across his cheeks. "i'd never joke about that. i just wanted you to know."

hinata beamed at him, brighter than the sun. "aw, kageyama! i love you too! but can we please wrap this up? there's no food in the margins, and i'm starving!"

"okay, everyone!" bokuto called out. "on the count of three! ready? one, two, three - "

"HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!" everyone shouted.

the end :)

#EDIT: it's okay to reblog! #i have since decided i don’t care go be free run wild #I SPENT LIKE TWO HOURS ON THIS #UHSOFLPWAFHRUILFH;USHSBGHKDSGBES #AND THEN SOME #okay i'm NOT tagging because i don't want this to fall in the wrong hands #this is for followers and mutuals ONLY #anyways!! hope you guys had a good laugh reading this! #keep in mind that i adore hq dearly and sometimes i AM prone to falling into certain cliches/tropes when it comes to writing certain charas #i just thought this would be a really funny april fool's day joke LMAAAO #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #sou says stuff #april fools prank