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lighthouse-enjoyers-anonymous · 1 year

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The CSH pipeline (aka my downfall)(aka my favorite band ever)

Last year around June, I listened to Car Seat Headrest for the first time, I think starting with Sober to Death. I had seen mention of the band before in memes about it being "incel" "male manipulator" music, but it was associated with a lot of bands I already had an interest in. My first instinct when seeing that something is being shit on is to go and consume the media so I can judge for myself whether it's actually that bad or if the fanbase is just being characterized by a couple shitty fans and if it's being meme-ified like Weezer. This has lead me down some questionable paths but I ultimately like this way of consuming media because I do end up finding new stuff I enjoy without being restricted to what's popular. I started listening to Mitski because I saw a tumblr post about how people don't like her work. Idk. Anyways I loved Sober to Death and started listening to their other top songs to get a feel for it. I think I mainly just listened to Twin Fantasy and Teens of Denial at first, then ToS and MBIKMB after a while. I wasn't hardcore into it and I knew barely anything about the band except I had picked up somewhere that Will was a furry (I have zero idea when I learned this but at the time I thought it was the most hilarious thing I've ever heard). I was just focused on my other interests much more (you know how it is). Fun fact, my ex included "It's Only Sex" on our relationship playlist when we dated in March, which

1- is an absolutely insane red flag 2- proves I knew about the band earlier than I remember Flash forward to February. I must have seen CSH mentioned a lot more on tiktok or pinterest or something, because I suddenly had a lot of interest in it. Sometimes I get waves of "oh god i'm a fake fan for not knowing everything about this subject" and that spurs some manic search to CONSUME ALL. I started listening to every album available on spotify, learned about Will's pre-CSH projects, and was instantly hooked.

This guy had written songs that spoke to me in a way only several other artists had in the past. On top of that, he had lived less than an hour away from me for the majority of my life (until he relocated to Seattle in 2014), AND most of his music was written at the age I am now. There was something so personal to me about it. Obviously, it was a popular-ish band so it wasn't really underground or anything, but it wasn't known by everyone so I still had the opportunity to introduce it to my friends for the first time. That being said, I still got teased a bit for listening to "sad gay furry music" :/ Touché.

Anyways, I then learned about 1 Trait Danger. Oh boy. I had heard the "Timmis" sound going around on tiktok without realizing it. God Andrew Katz is amazing too. It was silly, it was stupid, it had a new plotline to follow for each album, there was a discord server, there were costumes, there was Will Toledo, there was SO MUCH TO LEARN. So naturally I joined the Patreon so now I get some sick behind the scenes video game development content.

Deeper into the rabbithole comes Cate Wurtz's comics, which are mentioned in several CSH songs, and generally help to contextualize Will's work. Holy Shit I love Crow Cillers. I only started reading it yesterday. I have yet to fully understand what's going on because there is such a mash up of themes. It's entirely possible I made a mistake and managed to skip some crucial lore, but I'll figure it out eventually. Ynce Iche is badass. Other things that this hyperfixation has caused me to get into:

Radiohead and Weezer. more stereotypical incel music but I D K

Costume design? I'm in the process of building a trait mask, and I will make another post about this because I need help!!

animation, possibly. I'm hoping to animate parts, if not all, of 1 Trait Bangers. I have no prior experience with animating so this will be.... fun...

video production. I am ALSO in the process of creating a series of tiktok style videos to all of twin fantasy. if each one is about a minute, I should have... 71 videos. 1 down, 70 to go! This is cool because I got to visit the spot in Harper's Ferry mentioned in BL-I-D.

CSH livestreams. I looove the acoustic sound. Do miss the other band members though. Lots of his covers have lead me to find new music as well.

Will Toledo's tumblr. I scrolled all the way to the bottom of it and i'm attempting to compile a playlist of every song he mentions on there.

Will Toledo's spotify monthly playlists. That funky guy is listening to soooo much welsh folk. This raises questions about what the possible new album will sound like, but I'm down for anything!

Andrew Katz's instagram reels. I love these funky little videos it's like a vine revival with all of our favorite band members.

Will Toledo's high school bands/comics. The Mr. Yay Okay facebook page is so blessed I love seeing shitty home video recordings of them playing with a Ouija board.

New friends! Shout out to the cool people on the 1td discord server. game nights are always hilarious

Pop culture references. I have been convinced to buy several books simply bc they were mentioned in a song or his tumblr. also I started NGE and I will eventually get to Twin Peaks.

That's all for now! I should be able to update as I find more stuff to deep dive into, and as my creative projects unfold. It's going to be a busy couple of months in my house though, as I prepare for college. If I end up switching hyperfixations before I complete anything, I must apologize. But I don't owe "you" anything. I say to my singular follower, cheezbot. Hi cheezbot.

#car seat headrest #cshr #csh #will toledo #infodump #1 trait danger

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ruby2stardust · 1 year

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I need to gush about this series it's so good I have never gone from not knowing what something is to being hyperfixated so incredibly fast.

So Bocchi the Rock right? Yesterday I had no clue this series even existed. By the end of yesterday I had seen a few clips and heard a few people talking before watching one episode of it. Today I binged the other ten episodes and I am OBSESSED. This show had me rolling on the ground with laughter while simultaneously getting me invested in a story that normally I wouldn't find myself enjoying that much. So I'll just start from the beginning I guess this is a slice of life comedy show about social anxiety. I don't think I have to say much on that we all get it but the way it's portrayed here is just beyond words good. The presentation of this show is out of this world. It follows Hitori Gotoh a socially inept girl with a passion for playing guitar. She wants to start a band and get popular but just can't get herself out there. One day she brings her guitar into school hoping to get some attention to little success. However she is noticed by Nijika Ijichi who is just starting the Kessoku band and had her guitarist flake out on her five hours before a concert. Desoerate she drags Hitori along with her to join her band. It's a huge step for Hitori that she is not at all ready for and various shenanigans ensue from there. I could go on but this show is fantastic and I want people to watch it. I personally love how the show ties its drama and comedy together seamlessly. Whenever Hitori is stressed out about something the show goes wild changing up the animation style completely to represent her sudden panic attack which both puts you in her frame of mind and gets you to laugh.

My personal favorite is this one where the animation just rapidly devolves into simple 3d models for all of 4ish seconds while Hitori is hurled through a wall to represent her fear of an upcoming performance. It's something that I think a lot of people can relate to having to present to a ton of people is nerve wracking while also just being incredibly fun to watch and there's a different style change every single time this happens I never know what to expect next and it always catches me off guard and makes me laugh! The show also has an actual plot going for it it isn't all just jokes with no substance these characters develop throughout and they do it quickly enough for a character's growth in the season to be clear. It doesn't take Hitori 20 episodes to overcome every issue she faces. She's just honest and works on herself bit by bit with things coming full circle from the start to the end. It's the small details that really bring everything together here. Little things that keep popping up as the show goes on that develop Hitori and her relationship with her bandmates.

Also the opening song is super good I've been listening to it on repeat for literally like 6 hours.

#bocchi #bocchi the rock #bocchi the rock!#hyperfixation #This really just clicked with me instantly I don't know what else to say #Like I told myself I would space out episodes until the end of season came and I just couldn't do it #I am dying to see what happens next I got so invested so quickly I can't even #anime #watch this show #like really it is so damn good

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themadlostgirl · 3 years

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When It’s Cold

*Felix simps come get y’all juice!

The hyperfixation hit me hard and because I just have to add backstory and character development to every single request I get, this one shot request is another mini-fic. I do not know how long it is going to be but I am hoping to keep it under ten. I already have like 5 chapters written now. Also, Felix deserves some multi-chapter love dang it!*

Prompt: Reader and Felix are stuck in Storybrooke together. What will happen next? Spoilers: it’s feelings and fluff and a horny teenagers being stupid.

Requested by: anon

~~~

“I blame you.” Felix said.

“How is this my fault?” I retorted. Felix and I sat on the docks of Storybrooke overlooking the water.

“You’re the one that convinced me to come to Storybrooke with you. Now look what’s happened! Pan is dead and we have no way to get back to Neverland.”

“We’ll find a way back to Neverland.”

“And how do you figure that? There is no more shadow to ferry us, we have no magic bean, or any pixie dust to fly us back. We are stuck here!”

“Will you calm down?”

“You want me to be calm? How can you expect me to be calm after everything that has happened?”

“I don’t know but you panicking is not going to help us any. Storybrooke is the only town in this realm with magic. If there is a way to cross realms we will find it here so stop worrying so much and start brainstorming. Like you said, there is no more shadow so our reliable way of getting back is gone. Magic beans are scarce if any even still exist. So our only option is to find some method of transportation that can either fly us back or we become mermaids and swim through the realms. So we gotta sprout wings or gills. Ideas?”

“Well I can’t swim worth a damn so I guess we’ll need to find a way to fly.”

“No point staying here.” I got up, “We were fine camping in the woods but that’s not going to serve us well much longer. Winter is rolling in and neither of us have ever lived somewhere that wasn’t tropical and humid all the time so I don’t think we’ll survive long on our own out in the wilderness. We need to start looking into different housing options.”

“You sound like an adult.” Felix groaned.

“I hate it too but there’s not much else we can do unless we want to freeze to death. Come on,” I held a hand out to him, “The sooner we find someplace the sooner we can start dedicating our time to finding a way out of here.”

“I’m coming,” Felix stood up, ignoring my hand. We walked all around Storybrooke looking for someplace to hole up in. My main concern was having a place with heat which left a lot of the vacant houses out since their utilities were shut off. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that there were no fireplaces so starting a fire to keep warm was also out of the question.

It was getting late and our search had yielded nothing. I had a bad feeling that if we couldn’t find somewhere suitable through our own means we would have to resort to actually paying for housing somewhere. Which meant we would need money which also meant we would need to have jobs. Paying bills, having jobs, this was a nightmare!

We shuffled back to our camp and checked the traps we had laid for any game but only caught a small rabbit. Barely big enough for one person. Better than nothing at least.

As Felix roasted the rabbit over our fire I sighed, rubbing my arms to keep off the chill of the late autumn.

“You know what I’ve noticed these past couple days?” I said.

“Hm?” Felix hummed not bothering to look up.

“This is the first time in all the years we’ve known each other that we’ve ever really hung out.”

“Guess so.” Felix shrugged.

“Is that not strange to you? We’ve known each other for decades on Neverland. We hunted together, played together, fought together with the boys but this is the first time us two have ever been alone together. How do you not find that strange?”

“It’s not like I was close to everybody on the island.” He took the rabbit off the spit and cut it in two, “Besides, you were always off galavanting with Artie and Frank. What’s it matter if we ever hung out?”

“I guess it’s just making me wonder.”

“Wonder what?”

“Why you followed me here?” I answered as he handed me my half of our dinner. “You didn’t know that Pan had switched consciousness with that Henry kid until after we left Neverland. You could have stayed on Neverland with the other boys. You didn’t need to come with me when I asked you to. So why did you?”

“Let me ask you something,” Felix dodged around the question, “Why is it that you asked me to come with you in the first place? You had your friends on that ship already. Why take me along? Why is it that you’re roughing it in the woods with me when you have friends that are snug and cozy in that fairy monastery? Answer me that.”

“I--I--” The words were caught in my throat. Why had I asked Felix to come with me? I knew the answer lay deep in my gut but I couldn’t for the life of me bear to bring it to the surface. I bit into my rabbit with a small scowl.

Felix gave a small exhale before diving into his dinner as well. The conversation thoroughly ended. I curled up to go to sleep near the fire. Our only source of heat. I really did miss Neverland. I would deal with a million humid heat waves if it meant that I could be warm again.

Sometime during the night a gust of cold wind snapped me awake. I huddled in closer to myself trying to retain some warmth when I felt something being draped over me. I peeked an eye open and saw Felix lay down again and curled more into himself. I looked to see what he had done and realized he had draped his cloak over me. His only form of heat, thin as it was. I decided at that moment as I watched him violently shivering on the cold ground that I would gladly grow up a little and get a job if it meant we would have somewhere warm to sleep tomorrow night.

The morning came and as casually as I could gave Feilx back his cloak. I made no mention of his generosity. I knew he wouldn’t appreciate you pointing out his selflessness for whatever reason. Too proud to accept my thanks.

We went back into town and I sent Felix off to find some cheap accommodations for us while I walked along main street and hopped into every store that I could looking for work. Unfortunately it looked like no one was hiring. Dejected and pissed after the tenth shop owner denied to even let me fill out one of their ridiculous applications I stole a handful of dollars from their tip jar. At the very least I could buy us a decent meal tonight.

We met up again outside of the diner. Felix had no luck finding a place to stay either. Everyone just shrugged him off. To my delight though he had the same idea as me and produced a wallet he had pickpocketed off the landlord he had spoken to. A couple of twenties tucked safely into the worn leather. We may not have anywhere warm to sleep tonight but at least we could get a hot meal.

We entered into the diner and immediately were met with stares. It was the same stare I got from everyone I asked a job from. I tried to shrug it off and sat down with Felix at the counter. We ordered two plates of the lasagna. The waitress was kind enough but everyone else at the counter moved away from us when it was evident that we were staying.

“Felix,” I whispered, “Is it just me or is everyone--”

“They don’t want us here,” he whispered back, “They’re not saying anything but they’re making it obvious enough. The reason no one will give us a job or let us live anywhere is all for the same reason. We were here for Pan and even though he’s gone they still don’t trust us. Just eat your food and we’ll go back to camp.”

“Do you think we have enough money to maybe spend just one night at the bed and breakfast?” I asked, hopeful.

Felix shook his head. “Even if we did I think we should be saving this for food since game is proving difficult to come by.”

“You’re right,” I stabbed into my lasagna. “It just gets so cold…”

We finished our meals quickly and left just as fast. At least I was more full than yesterday. We started on our way back to camp when I noticed a trail I hadn’t seen before.

“Where are you going? Camp is that way?”

“I know but I need to see something.” I told him as I started running down the other trail.

“Wait!” Felix ran after me. I kept huffing and puffing down the trail until it opened into a large field. In the distance was a huge house. A mansion by the looks of it.

“Whoa,” Felix said as he took in the sight of the mansion. “How did we miss this?”

“I don’t know. Let’s get a closer look.” We ran across the neatly trimmed lawn and hopped over the fence onto the mansion grounds. The lights were off inside. Whoever lived here was either gone or asleep. We checked the garage and found no car. Peeking in as many windows as we could it didn’t look like anyone was home.

“Should we?” I asked Felix. The temptation was too great. “Even if someone does live here it’s so big I doubt that they would even notice us staying here as well.”

“Let’s take a look.” Felix grinned. Strangely enough the front door was left unlocked. I tried the lights and was delighted when I realized that the electricity was working, there was running water too. Even better was that there was heat! Heat and dozens of bedrooms.

The place was so clean and orderly but yet there were no signs of it being lived in. No pictures on the walls. No food in the fridge. All the doors and windows were unlocked. There was a large kitchen, dining room, multiple rooms just for sitting in, a dozen bedrooms, and even a ballroom with a beautiful crystal chandelier. All the windows had the most spectacular views of the ocean or the mansion’s garden.

“This place is amazing!” I picked up a strange cylindrical paperweight with stars painted on top of it and tossed it in the air. “Felix, I don’t want to get our hopes up but I think we found a place for us to stay.”

“And you’re sure no one lives here?” Felix gazed around the room we were standing in.

“We searched all the rooms we came across and found no one. The place has been cleaned out of food or toiletries. Either whoever lives here desperately needs to go shopping or they just don’t exist.”

“You think we’re really that lucky?”

“I think we’re owed a bit of luck. Even if someone still does live here do you really want to spend the night shivering outside or spend a night wrapped up warm in a bed and run the risk of someone chasing us out in the morning?”

“You make a compelling argument.” Felix grinned, “Race you for the master bedroom!”

“Felix!” I chased after him as he went flying up the stairs. He got to the room first and flopped down on the large king-sized bed.

“I win! Go take one of the lesser bedrooms.”

“You only won cause you have those long lanky legs.” I flopped down beside him and sighed as I sunk into the soft mattress. “I don’t think I can move from here. It’s way too comfortable.”

“Too bad. My room.” He pushed me off.

“Hey!” I laughed as I stood back up. “Fine, you can have the master bedroom but only on the condition that you find us more money to buy food and toiletries. Got it?”

“Sounds good to me,” Felix stood too, eyeing the bathroom attached to the bedroom. “Soap or not I think I am going to indulge in a hot bath.”

“That does sound heavenly.” I haven’t had a hot bath in decades. “Have a goodnight, Felix. We go grocery shopping tomorrow.”

“Night,” Felix gave a wave as he closed the bathroom door behind him.

I left the room and wandered around the hall looking for a space of my own. I found a nice bedroom that felt just as grand as the master bedroom. I went into the bathroom and drew myself a piping hot bath. I nearly moaned when I sunk down into the water. Even if this lasts for only a night I’ll be happy. One night of warmth.

After my bath I wrapped myself in a large fluffy towel and went back into the bedroom. I really didn’t want to put my old dirty clothes on my clean body. I opened the dresser drawers hoping maybe the resident left behind some old clothes but they were all empty. I crept out of my room and checked the other guest rooms surrounding me but all their drawers were empty too. There was one place I hadn’t checked. If the owner did leave something behind it would probably be in the master bedroom. I glanced down at my towel with a grimace. It covers everything at least. I tentatively knocked on the door but was met with no answer. I cracked it open and sighed with relief when I saw no Felix in sight. He must still be in the bath.

I went to the dressers and, “Nothing? Really?!” I slammed the dresser shut again. How is it that there isn’t so much as a single shirt in this house?

“Why are you making so much noise?” Felix stepped out of the bathroom in a billow of steam. My throat went dry when I caught sight of him. Completely naked except for the towel hanging from his hips and still dripping went. His blonde hair that usually hung in his face was brushed back opening his face up more. His torso had an array of scars I never knew he had before. That wet chest that was impressively chiseled…

I shot to my feet clutching to the towel covering me. “Sorry! I was just looking for some clean clothes.”

Felix gaze swept me up and down. He took a deep breath and grabbed something from inside the bathroom and tossed it to me. It was a fluffy white robe with a monogrammed M on the breast. “There.”

“Thanks.” I slid the robe on over my towel. “Anything else in there?”

“Nope. Just that one.” Felix turned away from me. His face looked red and I could only guess he was angry at me for barging in. “Now scurry back to your own room.”

“Right. Thanks.” I rushed back to my room, my heart hammering in my chest. That was certainly new. I never thought I would see that much of Felix. I mean why would I ever want to see his wet, practically naked, and not so shockingly buff body? No! Bad! Impure thoughts I should not be having about my...my…

Huh. What was Felix to me? On Neverland we were Lost Ones but that didn’t really fit here. I don’t know if I could exactly call us friends either. Roommates? Was that what we were now? We have been living together at our crappy camp all this time and now we’re staying in this mansion together. I guess that’s what we would call one another. Roommates.

I dropped my towel and pulled the clean robe tighter around me. My thumb traced over the M stitched on the breast. This house has no food, no toiletries, no clothes, not a single photo on any wall but yet there was a single monogrammed robe. Who was M? Who had lived here?

Those were questions for the morning. I sunk into bed and this time I did moan as I cuddled under the many thick blankets. Finally warm at last.

---

(Next)

#felix imagine #felix x reader #ouat felix #ouat #neverland #request #peter pan ouat #roommate au #i'm just gonna put this in the tags since it doesn't actually matter to the story but #they are in the sorcerer's mansion introduced at the start of season 4 #the place where they find all the blank story books and rumple and belle have their honeymoon #that's it. just let my kiddos have a warm place to sleep. they deserve it.

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saikagerights · 4 years

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Update: ”I Know What We’re Going To Do Today!”

Howdy Guys!

I hope you didn’t miss me too much. Yesterday, I was suddenly reminded of all of the work I left unfinished back in August. What I also realized is that I never posted the last thing I wrote before my absence.

I’ll be frank:

These past few months have been pretty strenuous for multiple reasons, and I haven’t found the proper time nor the inspiration to sit down and write more of the journal. In fact, the last oneshot I wrote was directly inspired by art that took ahold of me right at the beginning of the semester.

Besides the world constantly being on fire in 2020, the problems with my stomach hit a wall in August. I had multiple different tests done to try and find the problem, but there was no diagnosis in the end. My doctor prescribed that I start taking natural remedies to try and ease my sickness, and so far..... It’s been working! I’ve actually had an improvement in my health since then. I started taking probiotic vitamins in the morning and drinking kombucha, and now my persistent nausea during the day has disappeared. I’m down to taking one nexium before I go to bed, which is great because this medication was initially prescribed for twice a day.

School, has been interesting so far. It’s my first true semester deep into my music education degree, and I find myself struggling in certain areas due to the pandemic. Some classes are made more difficult to achieve in, while others make it hard to attend consistently. However, I’ve been keeping my head above water relatively well regardless of that. Work......I can’t say that I’m too satisfied with my current employment. If you read my notes on AO3, you knew that the summer was about readjusting to work amid the pandemic, which went over with ups and downs, but more often the latter. I realize now that after 3 years, I am not making enough money to be dealing with the type of work environment I am currently in. Many of the coworkers that I had come to realize as family have left or plan on leaving as well because they feel the same. I gave an ultimatum to my manager that I need to get my much needed promotion and raise or I am walking out before the holiday season, which for a retail store is major crunch time. In this department is where I find the most stress, as it is transitional period. I am in the midst of finding employment elsewhere, which can hopefully give me a much larger paycheck that can help boost my savings and support my college fees.

Free time is spent prepping. Whether it is singing, or practicing another instrument for my methods courses, or even supplemental music theory, I am in a constant state of prep work. And for watching or reading anything, there’s been a lot of comfort shows and not too much else. I took a tiny break from anime and started watching more western television. One thing that my coworkers have been wanting me to watch for ages has been Stranger Things, which I’ve enjoyed a lot so far. I took a short break from it after the slog fest that was the 2nd season, and am now on Season 3. I got access to Amazon Prime Video, so I finally watched the anime adaptation of Wotakoi, a manga I really love, and recently began watching Blade of the Immortal, which is very bloody and very interesting. But above all else, my general mindset this fall has been around one thing and one thing alone: Phineas & Ferb

A cartoon that has been one of my favorites since I was 6 years old has recently resurged in my life and has overtaken my attention once again. What was meant to be my comfort show of the lockdown during the spring has become my comfort show of the fall semester, turning into a massive hyperfixation that has overriden my thought process. Don’t worry, I didn’t go that deep. I just might’ve written 3k words of an analytical piece for the show’s emotional finale, “Act Your Age.” But I stuck true to my morals and didn’t read any fanfiction (this time). This laser focus on the show is actually 5 years late, as I was in the thralls of a fixation when the series ended back in 2015 just as I was discovering Steven Universe, which was the series that won my attention for the next year before I was captured by anime in highschool. But now, I’ve decided to take a break from it until Christmas, as I didn’t watch either of the show’s Christmas specials during my 3 month fling. Everything has connected to this show, and I mean everything, including my own musical development which I really don’t want to go into detail with.

But today, the dreaded Election day in my country, I’ve finally found the resolve to come back to writing Saiino related things. Last night, I took a step back and began to reread my journal to re-immerse myself within my ideas, which ended up being a fantastic idea because it actually made me realize that I needed to change the perspective of the next entry. Along with that came my idea for the prompts in Yamanaka Week 2021. I actually have decided that my participation will follow it’s own running theme that coincides with my journal while also following some of the prompts. They will all be centered around 1 particular headcanon, so I hope you aren’t too dulled with my idea. It will start with my next oneshot chapter for the Sai Journal. As exciting as it is however, I will not be able to start working on this until I can clearly see the end of this semester. Be on the look out for my oneshot, “Technical Difficulties,” and any more updates about Yamanaka Week, because they are coming. I have to go to a zoom meeting for a class, so I will end it here.

Until Next Time

- Saikage

#saiino #yamanaka week 2021 #InoSai #sai yamanaka #Ino Yamanaka #Sai Journal #Sai Journal update

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sml8180 · 3 years

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Top 5 Writings 2020

So, I’ve posted a lot of writing this year. I’ve posted one chapter a week since 1 January, 2020, and haven’t missed a single week. On top of that, I’ve posted a few stories in between uploads, as well as doing daily uploads throughout the month of December.

With all this, I decided to go back through and find my 5 favorite pieces from this year, and reflect a little as to why I enjoy them so much. #1 will be my absolute favorite piece of this year, and I’ll be going in ascending order (so #5 first, #4 second, and so on).

#5 ~ Lasting Injuries ~ Who Killed Markiplier? ~ 13 Feb, 2020

Summary: Damien always has a cane in his hand, and although most don't realize it, the ornate object isn't just for show.

So, this story was spawned by a couple of things back in February. I injured my knee roughly 8 (almost 9) years ago, when I was in middle school, and since then have dealt with knee pain off and on (up until just recently, when I finally went to Physical Therapy, which helped to strengthen and stabilize my right knee and hip), which at the time of writing this, was acting up and resulting in pain. On top of this, I’ve had a personal HC that Damien carries a cane in WKM not only for show as the Mayor, but because he actually needs it.

I still really enjoy this story, partly as a self-indulgent thing for my HC concerning Damien’s cane, and partly because it was just fun to write something that served to even more closely connect Damien and Dark as characters (despite, y’know, Damien literally being part of Dark).

#4 ~ Beginnings ~ Markiplier Egos ~ 1 Jan, 2020 - 15 April, 2020

Summary: With so many different personalities within the manor, the question can arise of just how they all ended up under one roof. Some were brought by opportunity, some by tragedy, some by fate. Every story starts somewhere, after all.

This was the first story I posted this year, and dear god, I can’t believe its actually been that long since Chapter 1 of this went up. The series this is the start to is on hiatus, since I kinda burnt out on the Ego works, but I do really like this story overall. This was the story that got be uploading weekly, and I just enjoyed coming up with how all the Egos would have ended up at the manor. It also helped me work on developing my writing a bit, especially when it comes to writing shorter, more contained stories, since each chapter is connected, but also serves sort of as a oneshot of its own.

#3 ~ Games ~ Sanders Sides ~ 12 Dec, 2020

Summary: Patton decided that all the Sides should have a game night. Logan uses it as a chance to come out.

One of my favorite Sanders Sides HCs is that Logan is Agender. This was a fun little fill, where I got to write the six main Sides all playing some good ole’ Two Truths and A Lie (with special consideration made for the fact Janus is a Living Lie Detector).

This is one of my favorite stories not just because I love the Agender Logan HC, but also because I actually came out as Genderfluid back at the very start of June of this year. Like Logan, I knew I had an accepting family, but coming out like that is still nerve-wracking, and it was interesting to look back at my own experience while writing this roughly 6 months after coming out.

#2 ~ Intense Emotions ~ Sanders Sides ~ 11 Oct, 2020

Summary: Virgil and Roman are excited to tell Logan and Patton about the day Thomas had at the mall. Patton, Logan, and Roman all learn something new about their favorite emo. Logan and Virgil find they have something in common.Janus is just glad to see Virgil so happy.

I wrote this the day after Flirting With Social Anxiety came out, and we got Virgil with glittery purple eyeshadow and confirmation that Roman, Virgil, and Character!Thomas all stim when excited. I just really wanted to write stimmy Sides content, okay?

I also projected a little bit in this one... I have ADHD, this isn’t something that I really hide (I’ve reblogged quite a few ADHD related posts, and it’s pretty clear that I tend to hyperfixate on certain things), and like many people who are neuro-divergent (and many people in general, neuro-typical or otherwise), I tend to stim, especially when I get happy or excited.

I was taught to suppress my stimming as a kid, and I also just don’t want to be distracting or anything like that. Logan and Virgil both do the same; Logan wants to be taken seriously, and neither one of them wants to distract the others. It’s something I’ve been working on (and something Logan and Virgil are working on, too).

#1 ~ Chaos is Normal (For Us, at Least) ~ Sanders Sides ~ 26 Aug, 2020 - 20 Jan, 2021

Summary: Life can easily become chaotic. This is especially true for teenagers and secret agents. When Logan and their team were assigned a mission listed by their agency as "High Priority; High Danger", they didn't realize just how dangerous it would turn out to be. When Patton and Emile make a pair of new friends, they don't realize just what they'll be getting into. For all parties involved, chaos is just a part of life. It's normal. For them, at least.

This is 100% my favorite thing I’ve written this year (and possibly my favorite of all my stories, up to this point). I’m a sucker for Spy/Secret Agent AU stuff, honestly.

This story has Agender Logan, Trans Janus, Genderfluid Emile, and Nonbinary Remus, along with ADHD Creativitwins, and honestly, I’m very happy I got all of those concepts in.

Now, this story isn’t complete just yet, Chapter 19 (my favorite chapter, by far) went up yesterday (30 Dec, 2020). There’s still 3 chapters to go up, and plenty more for the Chaos is Normal universe as a whole, since I have a prequel centering around Logan and Remy, and a sequel centering around all the teens, both in the works, along with a few oneshots.

This story was just overall a ton of fun to write, and the response has been amazing. This is one of just two stories I’ve posted to break 1,000 hits over on Ao3 (the other being Beginnings, actually). There’s a handful of oneshots already in the collection, too, since a few of the December prompt fills actually ended up taking place in this universe, and I think they’re all really cute.

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And, that’s it! My Top 5 Writings from this year! I’m really proud of all these pieces, and generally proud of myself for managing to post every week this year, and then some.

I’m also incredibly thankful for all the support I’ve been getting on my writing, I really do appreciate all the Hits, Kudos, Comments, Likes, and Reblogs I’ve gotten on my works.

Without a doubt, I’ll be continuing to write, and we’ll see what I come up with in 2021.

#top 5 of 2020 #Top 5 Writings #I'm just generally proud of these #Markiplier Fanfic #Sanders Sides Fanfic #Family Sticks Together Universe #Chaos is Normal AU #SML8180 Writes #Long Post Under the Cut

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one-more-for-the-sky · 6 years

Text

[01/12/18, Friday]

its day 11 it started out rocky again due alarm problems. what the hell! it's been ringing at 850! im supposed to be out the door by 850 or sooner but 850 is definitely the latest i can leave the house that i could speed into work. but mom needed me to come home anyway (yeah i work for my mom. its good work and i take it seriously and anyone who wants to look down on me for it can suck it; i'm doing the best i can right now with all the coliding mental stuff. i'll talk about later on in this entry) John left some of his notes on a certain issue one of our clients is having at the house and i picked them up. kind of lucky there. we loligagged a little. i took out our new pet bunny. she's surprisingly very cuddly for a bunny. i have no prior bunny experiences mind you but still. not what i expected from a large rodent. or any rodent or smaller than a cat like animal. my gliders are certainly not that well behaved though i don't expect it either, energetic and lithe creatures that they are. still she is more endearing than i anticipated. i still am not very fond of rabbits but this one is okay. we chatted for a minute about my baby sister's room. and i was off with the notes and to grab john some water and get gas (not in that order). fridays are my favorite because its a slow day and people generally dont bother me much.

the last bits of yesterday where kind of exhausting and i find myself really challenged by the excuitive function disorder i have. i kept thinking about where i want to put this or that and thought to myself, just do it! but ultimately didn't. i rewarded myself too early. to my credit, i was exhausted. but still. today i will try to work first THEN reward myself. it is a habit of mine and it enables my EFD (excuitive function disorder). so basicly i just played a lot of video games yesterday.

i just feel jittery and unfocused for right now. hopefully it will change.

the house is a mess of laundry. i am sensing a much needed "20 minutes of cleaning" (read: 120 minutes of cleaning) from mom which is a chance for attitude from everyone. not excited. so when i get home, i'll definitly clean first. i think i'll start with tiding up the dinning room because that's really how you can tell if the house is in dire straits. If the dinning room is messy then it is time for a family cleaning session. i didn't even make the mess. i would agree to cleaning the kitchen or do the laundry but nothing else, but that's not going to fly, really. i should either start in the music room or the dinning room... Probably the dinning because you see it when you walk in and its the most visible eye sore, and then the dinning and move to the kitcheny part the den, the den i'll leave to vannah and mom. savannah's stuff is littered across the floor and even for me, its agrovating to look at. but i have to remind myself that my baby sister is probably worse of than me when it comes to EFD and adhd. there is definitly going to be a fight about that, i can feel it. i hope im wrong though.

mom suggested i log what i end up eating. at the time, i was offended by the suggestion. sounds silly but you have to keep in mind the historical obsession about my weight and food intake my mother has expressed over the years, sense i was small and still very impressionable. i still don't really know what to make of it, all the dietary routine changes i was mad to go though and shamed for. i was 13! 14! 15! I was young and still growing. i was in an important part of my developing as a person and myself worth, and what did i learn? that im too thick. i didn't really think i was at the time, but how can i say no to the person driving me around and im not in charge of my destination? it was wholy unfair... im not really saying that this is the root of all my self-esteam issues but it didn't help. not only did my peers see me as imperfect and flawed, so did my family. its hard to think about. i try to forget. so therefore the suggestion of working out, of listing what i eat or anything else by mom is offensive initially. in hindsight, yeah it a good idea. i just hate to admit it because of the implications.

speaking of my peers, my social/educational/school experience in childhood? fucking. awful. about the time i was in 3rd grade i really started to notice people didn't like me much. i can't remember much else than that. i know i wasn't a popular person in 1st or 2nd grade and i'm not even going to count kindergarden, but 3rd grade is where most of my memory begins. my teacher didn't even like me then. said i was a trouble maker and a bad person. not to me, but she made the mistake of saying that to my mother. why did she say that? because i decided i was going to clean up the class room. she said i was a manipulitive little trouble maker for cleaning her class room. this is were my earliest descriminations against me and my adhd and learning disablities really begins and i remember it. forget about my peers for a moment; my teacher hated me for reasons i didn't even know or understand. i wasn't even that hyperactive like some with adhd, but i did have an issue with attention and being a little disruptive with my best friend. at the time, pokemon was the new wild thing and i was utterly obsessed my friend was too, but that was my doing. instead of paying attention, we were playing. i was just a kid being a kid. when it came to start doing the standardized state testing, no one explicitly stated how important these tests were. i seem to remember someone saying that they were just practice and didn't count towards a grade and i thought oh okay, so its okay to mess up. so much so, i chrismas treed the whole thing. the whole goddamn thing, i just put in random bubbles just because i wanted it done and out of the way of whatever. well. that was the catalyst to a lot of issues i had from then on. without the consent of my mother or any discussion to anyone, they placed me and my friend in a "special ed" class, where you basically just colored stuff and glued stuff together and what not. i was in this class for half of a year before our parents found out and were enraged. upon finding out, they rained hot fiery war upon the school, they tried to cover it by saying how worried they were, that weren't sure i could even read. they didn't do any testing. they didn't ask me or my mother anything. long story short, that's a lot of school i missed. it put me behind in reading for years until i was in 7th grade. from there i struggled because of the things i missed out on because a teacher didn't like the disabled child they were responcible for. i think about that a lot. i think about all the late nights being screamed at because i wasn't doing well and struggled in elementry school things. i remember certain things my mom did that i dont really wish to describe, but while school was a battle sometimes going home was worse. it wasn't always like that, but if mom was in a mood, it went there.

my peers were really no better. a throughout, i was very much picked on because i really liked certain things, and they were my hyperfixations. and i was weird and my teeth were wrong. some of my favorite things ive been called when in elementry school: a cockroach, r-slur, someone said they humped me (they didn't but it was still humiliating), called me useless, made fun of my teeth, made fun of me because i made eye contact with people by saying i had a crush on anyone i looked in the eye (it mortified me as a kid because i definitely did not like any of those assholes, i still struggle with this), i was told that 9/11 was my fault, people tried to cut my hair, people stole from me, spat on me.... it was rough. i'm going to stop talking about it for now.

mom, if you're reading this, then you're probably thinking wow, is this really all i think about? or wow i guess im just a terrible awful mom (or some reverse guilt trippin thing you tend to do to try and make me feel bad for validating myself and addressing what you do that hurts me, even though you're the adult and primarily in control of our relationship) or also wondering why i never talk like this about my father. my father doesn't know me. i am my dad's only child and all he knows about me is that im gay, what i went to college for, and basic likes and dislikes. beyond that, my dad doesn't know me. maybe its the same for my sisters and everyone else but im my dad's only child. i have no competition with him for attention.

i've also have been thinking about myself growing up and my relationship with my sisters. full disclosure: i was not as nice to my sister sabrina as i am today. i was mean. i acknowledge it and think about it all the time. i mean, i was no more a kid myself, but i wasn't nice at all. i didn't even think nicely of her. and worse, i was nicer to savannah than i was her, and im sure that killed her a bit. mom would talk, beg, for me to be nicer. i wasn't like her abusive sister, but it felt like i was taking notes. in part, i blame society and media for what learned about being a sibling. most media i saw and consumed growing up, siblings hated each other, were mean to each other and competed against one another for attention, even in cartoons, that's what i picked up on, and internalized, obviously. my parents obviously didn't do anything to reassure me of that not happening, but i can shoulder some of the responsibility. i have to keep reminding myself, and others that i was just only 8 or 9 or 10 when my sister was born and i already had all these thoughts in my head but by the time i was 13-14-15, it starts to be a combined effort of me and my parents and upon 16-17-18, i made little to no move to change my ways. i sincerely regret it now. after college and being apart from my family for so long and learning powerful lessons on what stands against the grains of time the strongest, family - particularly my sisters - became the centerpiece of my life. in college i met some interesting people, but the most notable thing i remember hearing from some of them, was how much they hated their siblings, younger or older or otherwise. just hated them for whatever reason. im not sure what exactly i thought, except that i was tired of listening to people act like this and that i had sounded like this too. and after failing some classes and being abandoned by friends, i realized the most important connection i could make was to my siblings. from the moment i decided to stop bad-mouthing them, i embraced them, their quirks, and loved them with everything i had. i still get aggravated with them ofc bc yaknow, nothings perfect, but they were perfect as they were. all i wanted and still want to do is spend time with them. i constantly think on how i was when i was growing up, especially for my little sister sabrina. i wasn't kind, as if the i didn't even know the word. i apologize a lot for it. every so often, i take her aside to talk to her about it. im still afraid to full acknowledge just how much damage i might've caused, but its still my responsibility to make it right and to mend it. sabrina, bless her, tells me not to worry, that she understands, that she doesn't remember a lot, except for a few things that make me cringe at myself. i apologize a lot. even now i am still sorry. i hope i am making up for it. i hope she doesn't grow to resent me, as i likely deserve. i love her so much i just want her to be happy and fulfilled and safe. i hate myself for how i was.

and i worry. a lot. its not exactly the same, theres a lot of different aspects to their dynamics, but i sometimes see myself in how sabrina acts towards savannah and it worries me. savannah is a lot less forgiving. a lot closer to bina's age and therefore harder to impress later on should sabrina change her tune. they both go at it though. savannah gives as much sabrina does, and especially so that she's 13 and moody as 13 year old typically are. all the same, i feel like the example i led has won out to the example i try to lead now and it frightens me. i want all 3 of us to be close. for all we've suffered together, to be alone in the world once our parents are gone frightens the shit out of me. more than anything, i want us to remain close. all three of us. i worry a lot about our relationship with each other...

anyway, so yeah i'm currently living with and working for my parents. i do take the work seriously even if doesn't look it and im proud of my (few) acomplishments. and living with them has its ups and downs. it feels good on hand to start from the ground up on how to like. live. how to be a person. or something. sorry i know i was going to go into this, but the previous topic got me down a little. i'm changing the subject.

my desk came in early, and im excited to put it together. can't wait really.

eh. i'm bumbed. will consider the listing of foods i eat.

peace.

#journal tag #text

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