#i honestly don't know this is just me dumping my negative feelings into a super long post

[dragcnlxrd]

So in like 6 hours here it will be the blessed end of 2023. And while I doubt my new year will be anything thrilling I have learned a lot during this year. I've learned that it's super easy to detach myself from giving a shit about the person that incubated me, I've learned that when push comes to shove I'm the only person in my house that will step up and take care of my elderly father, provide food on the table at the cost of my own needs, and tolerate the abuse hurled at me both physical and verbally daily by the woman that incubated me.

I've learned that you can be negative in your bank account for a bit before your bills get rejected. I've learned that while you're recovering from a broken ankle and a stroke your job and coworkers don't give a shit that you've been gone for more than 6 months because you truly don't matter to the world. I've also learned that state temporary disability will NOT pay you enough to live off of at all thus constantly in the negative funds, nor is it reliant.

But aside from all of that I also learned I can find solace in a video game, that interacting with these fictional cgi characters would fill me with some semblance of joy and what it's like to feel loved. So my first appreciation will be to Baldur's Gate 3 and to my Tav Ashtara because I've learned to be happy through her.

THAT'S not only what I want to say, I want to also say how much I've learned about myself here writing with my tiny handful of partners! You guys that continue to give me the time of day and spare a few moments to reply to my stuff have made me happy but there are a few of you that earn special places.

@ravusnightblossom is first and foremost forever going to be my number one. Fox has quickly become my bestest friend and I'm so very thankful that she flew me across the country to hang out with her for a week. It was the best week of my life and I miss being a potato on her couch. But not only that Fox has been a lifesaver for me for everything and I don't think I could ever imagine my life with out her. Ravus has become a major part of Lysander's life and I honestly think this blog basically revolves around their ship half the time! Love you!

@xx--ofmanythoughts--xx Raevon!!! Okay so I can not express how much I love you! How much I love your blog and your writing! You truly have a gift. I love that we can both scream about an unpopular opinion and agree with it! I love our HC and when we get to world build! I'm so happy we write together and I hope we bust out more in the next year.

@thescaledqueen YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS TO ME! I hope you know that! You were the only person in the GoT RPC that gave me a true chance and I am forever grateful for that! I love your Shireen to bits! And I am sorry I've not been as active with these two lately but I am hoping that this new year gives me more motivation to continue dumping love upon you and your blog!

@mystiic listen I already sent you love and answered love but I LOVE YOU OKAY! I love your muse and I'm so looking forward to the new year and building more world with you and Amari and UGH!!! yeah...

@brideofcdragons YOU! I love you! Okay?! I love your blog and I love your writing and I love your Dany and I'm always so excited when you pop on my dash and we get to write something together and I'm always just so happy to see you back to writing! You have a true gift and I cherish you so much!

@call-2-arms LISTEN! I love you okay! And no one is going to tell me you're not Jamie Fookin Lannista! Haha I also cherish the fact that you're always there to answer my silly questions or translate something from Australia! I mean BIN CHICKENS! Who would even know what that was!! You're also super fuckin talented with your writing and I am always in awe of your replies!

@untilthcyrot CHRISTINA!!! Thought I forgot about you?! I think NOT! You've been with me since my Norse Loki blog... You've continued to follow me and talk to me and write with me for so long! You're a talented and beautiful person and I love whenever we get to chat with each other! I love your blogs and I love you muchos!

This is getting to be super long and word vomity but I honestly do love and appreciate all of my mutuals! You guys just writing with me make my day. I hope the new year brings everyone happiness and joy and that we continue to write together! Please remember even if I didn't mention you here you still mean a lot to me! I cherish you!

#midori sweet & sour [ o o c ]

[liesmyth]

I love Cam and Pal and am a CamPal romance truther and it's for that exact specific reason that I hate the sixth with my entire chest. Honestly I think if you're going to make an imperialism or patriarchy argument like people do with Jod (I agree with you on that front, by the way) the sixth is actually the one it'd be easiest to do that with. Like their entire military is dedicated to having children with residents of the shepherd planets and then taking them to be raised in the house. Once saw someone say it wasn't eugenics because they're trying to diversify their gene pool not limit it and I feel like people just don't get that, in canon, they are using their military as a positive eugenics campaign. Also telling someone they can only have kids with two other people because there can't be a drop of relation between them is eugenics. Any attempt to obtain favorable reproductive outcomes through systemic control of who is reproducing and how within an adult population is eugenics! Idk I know this is a stupid hill to die on; it's just something I'm very sensitive to because I'm from the appalachian mountain region in the US, and negative eugenics campaigns from the early 20th century that promoted the stupid cousin-fucking hillbilly narrative about the region people still use today. Also, people don't seem to realize that the enormous social taboo on cousin marriage that exists in western society now is the result of early 20th century eugenics campaigns. This got very off track but I hate the institution of the sixth with an insane and disproportionate passion and honestly would have said "good for her" if BOE killed the oversight body. Also I don't care what authorial intent was to your average non-fandom reader (and I would posit to most fandom readers on first read!) their relationship reads as romantic and at that point intent becomes irrelevant. I needed to make this opinion public but I also need to stay alive so I've dumped it in your ask box. Sorry.

Ship Disk Horse disclaimer: I'm not Appalachian but I do have second cousin marriage very close in my family tree (small town Italy!) and I agree that the incest argument around Cam and Pal is weird. BUT you can't control what people find squicky, and I'm not very fond of the argument "X is actually perfectly okay IRL" to support shipping discourse. I get why you'd take it personally, but that's a super slippery slope IME.

On to the Sixth! I actually think they all employ vat wombs (unless it's for science) and their strategy is to fuck members of other Houses, not the occupied planets. There doesn't seem to be many (or at all) relationships between Houses and non-Houses people.

I don't think we know Enough about the Sixth to say they're unequivocally bad and I'm hesitant to bring up eugenics OR reproductive autonomy, because I don't feel comfortable comparing sff worldbuilding to RL systems of oppression.

That said, the Sixth's commitment to the gene pool thing leaves leaves me very ???? because it seems to be a strategy they have employed for thousands of years with no visible results. The consanguinity tables get narrower. It doesn't seem to give them a "boost" over the other Houses. So why do they stick with it? Gives me a very similar vibe to the Seventh's commitment to their ideal that cancer strengthens a necromancer despite no actual proofs. I think it's just the Sixth's manifestation of the underlying theme that the Houses are basically a zombie civilization, constantly stagnant.

I'm also wondering WTF happened to all those Cohort people when the Sixth seceded. Do they think their friends and families died in the solar flare?

Anyway! I appreciate you sending this ask but I'm going to make it non rebloggable for my sanity :D

#anonymous #ask #the disk horse #<<< like not really but mentions of it? #sixth house #elle tlt posting #tlt

[naturesgender]

hey folks this is gonna be a really really long post, i just kinda gotta write some stuff down, idk if anyone is gonna see this but if you do i’m gonna try to do the thing where there’s a cut and you can press “keep reading” if you wanna see the whole thing but idk how to do that so if it doesn’t work i’m sorry in advance!

*i think i figured it out, it should work! just put it there so u wouldn’t have to scroll past the whole thing if u didn’t wanna read it cause it’s rlly fuckin long lmao i love u all <3*

ok so

i am not Clinically Depressed i don’t live w/depression i don’t struggle with it on a daily basis i am generally a pretty Not-Depressed person

however

i am doing my best to get better at not ignoring the times when i *do* feel depressed because “i don’t actually suffer from clinical depression so this isn’t even that bad!” or “a lot of my friends feel like this on a daily fuckin basis and that’s really awful for them so i should always prioritize their feelings over mine all the time” or “these are stupid reasons to be depressed anyway” or “even though it’s really really hard for me to get out of bed right now there are people who sometimes Cannot get out of bed and i am not one of those people so it’s all good lol” or any of that shit cause (news flash) i am not the greatest at taking good emotional care of myself, and although i have gotten better at letting others take care of me, i still have lots of problems feeling comfy doing that if they’re not also letting me take care of them (which is a whole other issue that i’m not gonna get into rn)

so with all that in mind i just kind of wanted to get it down in writing and like Acknowledge the fact that during this past semester, mostly during the past month, i have been the most generally depressed i’ve been for a long time, maybe ever. i was definitely depressed in freshman year and was having some pretty Not Spicy Thoughts (nothing *super* serious dw) and that definitely wasn’t fun, but that was like a different brand of depression. back then the main reason i was depressed was bc i had no friends (or at least none i felt i could really be close with) and i was struggling to make the transition to high school and i didn’t really feel like either of my two-friends-who-i-didn’t-feel-i-could-be-close-with cared about me at all. this is a different brand. i’m very lucky to have a lovely group of very close friends who i can trust and who i mostly feel i can rely on (although when it comes to relying on my friends, the problem isn’t that i don’t feel that my friends are reliable bc i know that they are and i know they love me!! i trust that they would help me!! the issue is that i don’t often feel like it would be fair to ask them for help, but like i said that’s a whole other issue just wanted to clarify that the issue is not with my friends it’s 100% with me and i know that). i have a pretty good social life as of rn, and even though we’re all dealing with this shitty shitty pandemic, my friends and i have found ways to stay connected and we videochat and play games and i love them so much and i’m so grateful for them and they make my life infinitely better. so the social aspect is not the issue here in the same way it was in freshman year. the issue here is that i seem to have lost most of my driving force.

here is a list to help me acknowledge things

i turn 18 in exactly a month (january 7th) and although i know that i don’t just *poof* into an adult, i am still terrified of losing my childhood (much of which i have already lost due to very poor memory and my anxiety quashing the ability to be weird the way that i am/the way that i want to) and i don’t have myself together in the way that i wanted to by the time i reached 18/senior year/graduation/Adulting Time

online class is hell, the work has only gotten harder, i sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for over 10 hours a day and don’t move and get lots of headaches and feel very understimulated, there’s always Something i haven’t done, and i can’t find it in me to give any shits about school in any way shape or form

except for maybe practicum i care about practicum i always care about practicum

i have basically no money and my gap year is coming up and i can’t get a job right now and i might not be able to get a job this school year at all and i am terrified of not being able to make enough money to give my friends the safe space they need, i need to support them, they need people who will Love Them, i want to give them a home i want to be a home for them and i am fucking terrified of not being able to make it happen for them

and for myself but also not really

like i definitely want this and i’m super excited to live with them but i’m also scared to leave home but i also know that they Need to leave home and i want to give them what they need!! and we’re gonna have such a good time!! and we’re gonna be safe and we’re gonna be whole and we’re gonna be loved and we’re gonna be a family!! this needs to happen i need to give them this we need to make this

i don’t wanna make it seem like i don’t wanna live with them, i do, i really do, i love them to pieces, i love them with all i am, i can’t express how much i love them, and i’m really really really excited, but at this point i’m mostly scared

having been diagnosed with (mild) adhd does not make it any easier to focus or sleep and i cannot fucking focus and i haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks

there’s so much shit that i have to do hanging over my head, mostly it’s scheduling i’m trying to schedule my life basically (which sounds crazy but it’s less intense than it sounds i’m just trying to give myself more structure) but that’s a really overwhelming task and every time i try to make a schedule i can never stick to it so i have a lot less faith in it this time around

my sexuality and gender and thoughts about surgery/transitions/etc remain unclear and the only thing i’m sure of is that i’m demiromantic, but that doesn’t do shit about unrequited romance, which hurts like a motherfucker, and i don’t even truly know if it *is* romance that i’m wanting and there’s nothing real that i can do about that either

still feeling like shit about my body in a lot of different ways, not gonna get too far into it rn

the pandemic + online school + drudgery of classes + general unmotivated feelings + no changes in routine + a lack of structure + same environment 24/7 makes every day feel the fucking same and i’m sick of it

i’m stressed about vassar results coming out tmrw and i still have to write like at most 8 different college supplements before december 23rd (2 weeks)

i haven’t really sat down and done anything i’ve Enjoyed for a while and not had a Responsibility hanging over my head

basically i’m tired and anxious and overworked and lonely and lacking a driving force and really really fucking angry at everything and all that combines to make me pretty damn miserable! and as a result of all of this, my self-care is slipping and then my room doesn’t get clean and my bed doesn’t get made and i don’t get dressed or make myself proper meals or brush my teeth or sleep and that just makes it worse

and i want to talk about how i do definitely still have plenty of happy moments and good things and there is still a good amount of sunshine, i’m not *completely* miserable, but the minute i start thinking about that, i start to think that whatever sunshine there may be automatically cancels out any gray that there is, which is not a good place to be because i don’t want to fake being happy (i’ve never been good at that anyway which is probably a good thing) so i’m trying to acknowledge that hey! things are pretty shitty!! but please keep in mind that even as i type this, most of me is saying things along the lines of “don’t share this don’t post it don’t complain you don’t have it bad you’re fine you need to take care of your friends you can’t feel these things just snap out of it and you’ll be fine” so this is a pretty big step and a lot for me to just Put Out Into The World

i spent a while trying to think of other things that i could add here but i don’t really think there’s much else to say. i’m not sure where to go from here. i don’t have any magic solutions so i am trying really really hard not to let myself slip into complete giving-up-i-will-not-get-better space and it helps to just Know what’s in my brain. i don’t know if i have the mental energy to try to “fix” any of these issues right now, i just think i needed to start by writing them down. now i have them and i guess i’ll see where i can go from here. sorry this post was super long for anyone who may have chosen to take a look

that’s all <3

#tw mental health issues?? #i honestly don't know this is just me dumping my negative feelings into a super long post #so if u are not in the right head space to read that (totally valid) then plz avoid/ignore! #feel free to ignore even if u are in the right headspace honestly this is mostly for me #if u do happen to read it i do ask that u let me know that u have read it if that's ok? i'm sorry hhhh i just really don't like not knowing

[angrelysimpping]

I asked my wife Bunni to describe the characters I write for based off me info dumping to her about them. My other wife, Raven (not whitney's-pet) was also on the call and made some commentary.

Alex: I don't... I don't know *laughter* you haven't said enough about Alex, I think. And if you did he wasn't relevant enough. Well, maybe you don't thirst after him enough for me to remember who he is. I don't get a negative vibe from him. So, I don't know. Now I wanna know who is Alex?

Avery: So, I have to know, cause you know how I am with names, is Avery the sugar daddy one? 'Cause I have this whole idea of who this sugar daddy is, this whole sugar daddy character. So, the sugar daddy one is the one that makes me think he's in the mathletes. Not because he's cool or anything, but because he got roped into it. I think of him as the one on honor roll without even trying. But he makes me think he's super serious and he's like the kinda boyfriend who kinda looks at you and thinks you're cute, but he's not going to say it. He doesn't express it. He's stoic. He'll do it by, I don't know, pat your face or something. He's going to see you crying and slip you a 20 dollar bill and say "this is to wipe your tears." He'll take you to get you chili cheese fries and not necessarily eat them, but he knows it makes you happy. [It is at this point that I realize that I never told Bunni that Avery is old enough to be PC's father. So I did, and she mock screamed.]

Bailey: Bailey? Bailey's an angry kitty. He's not angry, he's grumpy. He's a grumpy baby. He's like "yeah I guess I like you," he doesn't say this he thinks it, "yeah, I guess I like them." Gets angry if you go outside when it's raining without a sweater. Age wise, I don't know anything about his character. I don't. But he gives me very I don't know its not indecisive, I cant think of the word, I cant think of the word, but he's your accidental dad. You know that relationship dynamic where its the chaotic one and he's the rock. Snarky. An ass.

Eden: Is Eden, is Eden, is Eden, wait what gender is Eden? Wait it doesn't matter, right? Okay, um, Eden is I don't know. A mountain spirit. That's it. I dunno. You're a wandering elf in the forest and he's just there with hot coco and you're like "Santa?!" I feel like Eden's not an ass. I don't know if Eden is a bad person. You don't talk about Eden enough. I feel like you discriminate against characters. You have favorites. To sum up Eden: they are a forest succubi. Done. They lurer you in. They say "come live with me amongst the trees" and you're like "fuck yeah" and then you realize he's an elf and you're stuck there forever.

Great Hawk: Okay, so, gimme a second. So in Rick and Morty [Me: I don't like where this is going] there is, there is that one bird man creature, do you know who I'm talking about? That is Great Hawk. I feel bad that I don't know enough about Great Hawk but I honestly, I feel like the name is enough. I don't need to know more about Great Hawk. He like an eldritch horror that my mind cannot compered. He is outside my realm of comprehension.

Kylar: Oh my god, so, you know those little chihuahuas that go inside of bags? That look like they're going to piss themselves when you go "hi little baby?" That's him. Like, to elaborate further. Chihuahuas are a fucking nightmare, right? But they're also so tiny. So, if they clip onto your ankle it hurts like a fucking bitch and they get so fucking upset if you invade their space and the people they allow in their space but they're easily managed. You can punt that fucker [Raven: We don't condone animal violence. Just chihuahuas. They're not animals] They're eldritch beings beyond our comprehension.

Leighton: Who is who? Leighton? Leighton? A whole ass bitch. A whole ass bitch. Done. I have no other words. That's it. Because you've never spoken about Leighton, but their name makes them a whole ass bitch.

Remy: International harvester! Remy gets bitches and if he doesn't, if they don't come to him, he finds them. [Raven: that doesn't sound kosher] Oh, Remy is not kosher. At all. That’s his motto. Kosher free since '93 [Me: 93?] What, did you want me to say 83? How old is he? Wait, I don't wanna know. Who am I to say an old man can't run a farm.

Robin: Um, Robin? Is Robin the book nerd? No, he's not the book nerd. He’s very sad and self sufficient and if I had to use one word I'd say melancholy. Isn't Robin in the orphanage with you? Robin is an orphan. [Me: Is that all you got for Robin] I, I, okay, I feel like Robin gives that older sibling vibe where like, it's a very specific type of older sibling where it's like "Yeah, you're kinda an idiot, and yeah, I have to help you, and I have to be nice to you, but it's not because it's in my nature. It's because you make me kinda sad." Robin is helping because Robin is like "who else i gunna help you, this is kinda sad." Like, he sees a crying kid and looks around and there's no adults and he's like "goddamnit." Jaded. That's what Robin is.

Sydney: Sydney's the new one right? The one everyone's in love with? Sydney's the final girl! Um, wasn't, wait, is Sydney the one you were connecting to religious trauma? Wait, no, is Sydney, wait there's not Jekyll and Hyde character, is there? Or is there a Jekyll and Hyde route? Is that Sydney?

Whitney: Oh, Whitney, let me tell you about Whitney. I'm sorry I can't discuss Whitney due to an NDA I signed. We're currently in the middle of a court case. I'm not allowed to discuss. I have no known connections to Whitney. Who is Whitney? All I have to say is, um, female Whitney is superior in every single way. Male Whitney is complete and utter trash. But, you know, being a garbage man is a career and all I'm saying is that its an honorable profession. I'm thinking of a career change.

Wren: The love of my life. I don't care if he treats me bad. Imma keep coming back, baby. [Me: Is that all for Wren] Do I have to say more [Me: No I just need to know] That's between me and him! I'm just, I'm just saying, I have a thing for bad boys and it's very apparent.

#alex the farmhand #avery the businessperson #bailey the caretaker #kylar the loner #whitney the bully #sydney the faithful #eden the hunter #robin the orphan #wren the smuggler #remy the farmer #great hawk the terror #leighton the headteacher

[shayneysides]

BBC Ghosts for the fandom ask 🤸🏾‍♀️ or Ted Lasso if someone already sent Ghosts

No one already sent Ghosts, but I can't decide between fandoms, so I'm just going to do both lmao but keep the answers short for Ted Lasso bc I know that's not what people follow me for

Answers under the read more bc it turned out to be super long:

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

Ghosts: That's gotta be Humphrey. God I think about Humphrey so much!! Too much even!! His existence is just heartbreaking. He's a character that is so indescribably lonely. He's acknowledged so little that he's happy to be hit around like a ball. The only time he gets attention is when telling his death story, and even then he's interrupted constantly. His life is so tragic and his death even more so, and the worst part is he seems used to it. I want to pick Humphrey up and give him all the love and attention in the world. My boy my man!!

Ted Lasso: It's basic, I know, but Jamie. His character is just so interesting, and there's just so much to say about him. His redemption arc is so well executed, and thinking about him too much makes me cry.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

Ghosts: I don't think I really find any of them cute, to be honest? Almost all of them are grown ass adults, and the only one who isn't (Kitty) doesn't really feel cute to me, even though I really do love her as a character in other ways.

Ted Lasso: Will Kitman!! My boy!! My small little man!!! I just think he is so fun and little. Look at him. I also think it's so funny that they straight up made his last name his job title.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

Ghosts: Fanny! She's less underappreciated now that she has a backstory episode, but still, on other social media platforms I see people being such assholes to her. It's really, really irritating seeing people calling her shrill and annoying cause yk. it feels a little misogynistic!! And people also really don't think about why she is the way she is now. I just think Fanny deserves all the kindness and love in the world. Also she is so so smart and I easily fall in love with women in STEM!! I love her!!

Ted Lasso: Coach Beard. God I love Coach Beard. He's such an enigma, and he has so much unexplored depth. I know a lot of people hated Beard After Hours, but it's one of my favorite episodes. It just has the same feelings as Beard does as a character entirely, like everything is just a little shifted to the left. He's so interesting.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

Ghosts: I guess Vin and Nev, the burgulars? I think they're very funny, and I would totally watch a spinoff show with them. I don't have much to say, I'm just really curious about their backstories and I think they're really fun characters.

Ted Lasso: Just more of the players!! I want to see more of the team than the main side characters!

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

Ghosts: Julian! The only Tory I like! I just like characters that hate themselves, and he has SO many issues to dive into. If he were alive, I would honestly hate him because he would be having real negative effects on real people, but now that he's dead and he can neither create new harm nor change his old ones, he can be appreciated as just a shitty fun character developing dude! I'm gonna dump so many sad backstories on him!!

Ted Lasso: Oh my god Nate. Nate Nate Nate. Holy shit Nate forever. I genuinely love Nate. I think he's such a good character and a good person. He's just made a lot of mistakes and has been treated like shit for so long that he doesn't know how to act when that changes. The fandom is absolutely horrible to him (and I could go on a WHOLE thing about racism in the fandom) and he really doesn't deserve it. I've seen more hate directed toward Nate, a misguided and sympathetic and heartbreaking character who is definitely going to have a redemption arc, than Rupert, the literal piece of shit villain.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

Ghosts: Probably Francis Button. Like yeah he's a terrible person for killing Thomas then stealing the love of his life, but also his face is just so punchable. I want to break his dumb little glasses. He deserves it

Ted Lasso: James Tartt, big huge asshole, what more do I have to say

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

Ghosts: Kitty's sister. I hate her, she's cruel and manipulative, she probably fucked Kitty's mind up (I feel like part of the in-universe reason Kitty is so innocent is bc she's blocking out bad memories with her sister, but as a result, still feels kind of stuck in her childhood? idk how to explain it sorry), and she's probably racist. I hate her and she gets to go to superhell

Ted Lasso: Rupert Mannion, big huge asshole, what more do I have to say

#bbc ghosts #ted lasso #tysm for sending this!!

[helloamhere]

Oh thank you for the heads up, I’d love to make sure I have your beautiful writing downloaded (for personal use only of course, I would never repost). I don’t mean to pry but does this mean you’re thinking of leaving the fandom or don’t want to write Larry anymore? I’ve so enjoyed your writing and it will be a real loss if you leave (though of course you must do what is best for you). I hope you’re well! Xx.

Thank you so much for the kind words!! xoxo I'll still be here on tumblr for sure! Where else am I going to get my shrieking reaction gifs and memes and cottage pictures!!

Honestly I didn't intend this to be a big old leaving announcement -- this hobby still brings me so much joy -- that's not really my plan. I have slid more and more out of this fandom/thinking about larry plots, but that's not been a plan as much as a quiet transition. I still love the versions of these characters I like to write but the fandom doesn't feel very active for me, ya know (overall, sending nothing but love to the specific creators I still follow and see gorgeous work from) .

Perhaps planning on writing more broadly for other fandoms if I maintain the space to write fic. Lately it's been hard, there's a lot going on in my life!

Really what started to freak me out? Was I've followed a number of stories about recent authors who have had old fanfic of theirs dug up and have gotten super harassed about it? I know that it's probably DEEPLY paranoid to ever worry about something like that. It's so far from a possibility in my life. Yet it got under my skin. And it just KEPT getting under my skin. (still tho, while I would be wretchedly embarrassed to have, say, people in my professional life know I've written these stories....I still LOVE my fics lol so I am hopeful that nothing in them would really be that bad. Lord I do not want to explain ABO to my mom tho). Some of my professional writing is getting more and more out there. As it does, I've just been on a big personal journey to ask: Look. HOW serious are you about wanting to publish original fiction? Do you really want to take writing more seriously and if so, why are you spending hundreds of thousands of words on fic? And you know. I deeply love and cherish that we have created a non-monetized creative community here. It has given me so damn much. I am grateful. But STILL, fic kind of pulls that energy away from original fiction. I started to feel weird about it. Again, I love these stories? I am profoundly grateful for the community here? I WANT to share things? But then as I'm doing a lot of original fiction writing, I'm starting to come back to similar passages or turns of phrase or scenes. I can hear myself try to work out the same themes I write in fic. I wonder if I've poured too much of my own thinking into fic. I've been chewing over whether I would need to delete my longer fics if I ever tried to pitch original fiction, because I've seen people get hammered for that too. This is one of the reasons I don't like orphaning fic, because losing that ability to control it and have authorship to it feels wrong to me somehow. Particularly with how much negative scrutiny 1D fandom comes under, I don't know. I also though, hey, most of the people who would've read my fic already have. Fic doesn't get a lot of new readers once you post it--at least not for me! So I just started to feel really anxious about all of it. What was the benefit if I'd already shared it once, of keeping it up? What if I accidentally repeat myself in ways that tie me to this fic? Or worse, what if I worked something out in a fic and I can't replicate it in my fiction and I shouldn't have "spent" it on my fic? (I know creativity probably doesn't work that way but....the fear!) Should I have really taken a story like TMOP, which I felt so deeply connected to and spent so much intellectual thought on, and should I really have just dumped it online? IDEK. I worry that all this sounds self-aggrandizing. I know my fic are imperfect and nowhere near the quality I ask of myself in other domains. But I still love this writing and these ideas. I want to value it. Again, I'm cognizant that this might be totally wild thinking re: getting punished for having fic out there, but I also just feel so much anxiety over writing, creation, and my own work right now. After going through the last year facing a lot of hostility and bias in my job and having a lot of my own professional work taken away from me, I feel like my mind is full of the need to protect and own the things I've created.

I suppose it's just a pervasive feeling of vulnerability that continues to dig into me right now! Even sharing all of this, well -- this wasn't exactly what you were asking for, but I suppose it's nice to chat about. I feel in community with the readers who have given me so much, but also, kind of......lonely lately, when I think about my fic. I don't know how other fic authors feel around here. It can be a lot, can't it? Still taking the decision slow and wanted to send an early warning. So I'll be back and share more advance notice if I do pull the trigger on it, I am not going to chop anything down without telling you again <3

#that's the long and short of it!!! #personal #the life and times of helloamhere #honestly if other creators feel these struggles I would love to chat about how we all deal #the world is hard and monetizing creative work is hard #love to you all #this is all really imperfect and raw and messy #I'm sorry

[indigo-starcatcher]

Don't read if you don't feel up to it; just a long vent about how I've been.

My mind has been overloaded with a million racing thoughts and opinions lately. I think this is what happens when our mindsets rapidly grow or mature, but I don’t really know so I suppose I’ll just... dump my mind here. Keep scrolling if you’re not up to a big, long vent session from yours truly.

I’m in art school, and despite everyone advising me to not focus in on one career path/goal/corporation to work for, I’ve done just that. They’ll remain nameless. And I don’t think people realize how absolutely tough art school is. I honestly can’t think of a more competitive field. Because honestly, it’s all talent. You can go in to other fields, for example the medical field, and the person next to me gunning for the same career can learn the same information. There may be different jobs for that degree, and yes there is competition still that I don’t deny, but you get my point; it’s there for all of us in black and white. With art, there are so many outlets and so many different styles and facets. It’s super easy to get bogged down and if I’m being honest I’m bogged down 100% of the time. It’s not always as prevalent; some days are better than others, like anything else. But when you see the work of others who are farther than you/at the top/where you’re EXPECTED to be in a few years time, it’s extremely intimidating, even if you can see yourself visibly improving. Ill put it this way. Have you ever been in a dream, and you simultaneously see yourself running ahead of you, out of body, while still feeling disconnected from yourself, like you aren’t (AND ARE NEVER GOING TO) go anywhere? That’s how I’ve felt since trying to become an artist. And yes, I understand that I’m still in school and that this place is for learning; I’ve never denied that I am still, and will forever be in, the process of learning but.. what if I never stop feeling this way? What if I can never catch up to myself and become what I’m supposed to? I feel as if when you think of top Illustrators, or even good illustrators, in my year.. I wouldn’t be thought of. I can think of a few off the top of my head that most would agree with being the “best” of our class. Which! Also some would argue “there can’t be the best, because styles differ”. I think that’s false. Technique, consistency, and rules of composition all come into play with any kind of illustration – they can be measured across any style. That is how you know who is the best, regardless. Long story short, I feel like my dream is so, SO far out of reach. It also doesn’t help that teachers reinforce the idea that we won’t get our dream jobs. Which, I get. There’s rejection in life and you can’t always get what you want. But you also can.

In regards to (TW: EATING DISORDERS). I think that people think that because you’re not actively acting upon an eating disorder that you’re magically cured and that its gone and everything is a-okay again. No, that is not how eating disorders and dysmorphia work. I will never, ever be able to rid my brain of this. I say this with absolute confidence, and it’s not for lack of trying. I’ve been thru a lot of different stages with my body; heavy, thin, muscular. No matter where I am, I’m never truly happy. I see the cellulite, the dimples. I check how far my stomach pokes out every morning compared to when I go to sleep at night. When I lay down, I – out of habit – run my hands over my ribcage to see if I can still feel that tiny divot in between my two rib cages. I run my hands over my hipbones to make sure I can still feel them. And while I don’t feel that I should physically look like a skeleton, they’re my measuring points; not so much for gaining real weight, but if I’ve eaten too much in a day, I wont feel my ribs. No good. Eat less tomorrow. Look in the mirror. Check your calves. Your thighs. Your stomach. The little spot that connects your underarms to your pectorals. They’re getting fatty. If I get fit? I feel like I can eat and eat and eat. I gain the weight back. Cant eat as much. Cut down to low calories? Doesn’t work. As a result I ate, and ate too much that day? Hmm, the toilet and my fingers look pretty inviting. But I can’t. But boy do I think about it. It’ll never. Ever. Go away. If its not acted upon in a destructive way, its ingrained in negative little ticks and habits that will always be there. No matter how thin or fit I am. My brain is a parasite and my body is its host.

On a? More positive note? As far as other humans are concerned, I’ve lost a lot of people that I thought would be around forever (this gets better, I promise). Both in the physical sense, and relationship sense. It used to absolutely tear me apart when someone that I thought was my best friend would leave me. I’d go into a deep depression for months, wondering what I did to drive them away. At this point in my life, having experienced the worst possible death I can imagine (thus far; I know there are/will be much worse to come) I’ve realized that with those around me who are still alive, I cannot be bothered by pettiness or bullshitting around opinions anymore. I don’t have time to sugarcoat my opinions. I know what you’re thinking; I’m not a very tolerant person. This is not in regards to acceptance of others or anything like that, so don’t misread me. I simply mean that I’m learning to stand up for myself. Put my foot down. Tell people how it is in regards to fairness and what’s okay/what isn’t. I didn’t used to do that, and I’m proud of myself. I see what others deserve and if they aren’t getting it, good or bad, I tell them. I see what /I/ deserve, and dammit, I know that I don’t think very highly of myself. But I know that I deserve good things, and I will not let people just treat me like a temporary decoration on their shelves anymore.

For THIS much, I am proud of me. I just hope for the other parts of me to improve. Hopefully a little bit?

#vent #rant #personal