#i feel like i can't do anything right. esp taking care of myself

[d34dlysinner]

🙇Hi yes hello very self indulgent request or whatchamacallit. But the Kings esp Beezlebub and lucifer, my bbygs, (Stolas too if possible 👉👈) first overall needing to asbord demon Lust event, with an afab me. Mc is kinda nervous and unsure about havin sex lmao, it doesn't repulse her or anything, but it follows the phenomenon of touch starved people wanting affection but when It comes to intimate moments they kinda freeze and get unsure. Totally not callin myself out rn

Understandable

MINORS DNI!

(Let's assume that MC doesn't instantly need demon essence)

Satan crawled on top of you. Eager to finally have you like this. He lined himself up with you and planned to push himself in until he noticed how stiff you were. He halted what he was doing and sat up straight on his knees.

"You're as stiff as a plank right now. Are you okay?", he asked. His actions and words really made you wonder whether he's really the great demon king of wrath. It made your heart melt seeing how he worried for you. He settled for holding you for a while. You could smell the scent of cat fur as he embraced you. He was just waiting until you were calm enough to relax before he dared to do anything.

"We don't have to do anything if you don't feel up for it..."

Mammon does the thing he always does with every partner he had. He waits and sees if they're prepared enough to take him. One of his hands was feeling along your sides. Rubbing up and down in a comforting way as he felt you freeze.

"If you're scared, we don't have to continue.", he says as he finishes with a promise that he will be careful when you both do continue.

He would wait until you're ready. If you're not ready at all he wouldn't even blame you. He can always settle for holding you once more.

Leviathan somehow knew that you were going to freeze as he pulled away from your neck and sat straight.

"I knew that this was going to happen. It's somehow weird how you can eye upon my frame with such lust and then chicken out the moment we're actually trying to do the deed."

He seemed harsh and very honest. It made you feel worse in a way and regret starting this. It wasn't until he noticed how hurt you were that he changed his demeanor. He started to hold your hands as his thumbs rubbed circles on the top of your hand. He kissed them before he decided to lay down and wait with you.

"We can continue when you feel like it... sorry.", he said that last part quietly. How you managed to make this king apologise. You'll never know. He probably did care a lot for you.

Beelzebub was kissing, biting and licking all over you before he decided that you were ready enough for him. He planned to push into you when he noticed that you almost stopped breathing. He halted what he was about to do as he checked up on you first.

"Are you okay?", he asked as he was drawing circles on the inside of your leg. He would lean in and give tiny kisses over your face as he waited for a response. When you tell him that you're not ready he'll lay down beside you and offer to watch some sort of movie to keep your mind of off things.

"We might aswell watch something interesting.", he says as he puts on a screen and allows you to scroll

Lucifer is one who would love to taste your tears again. He would abuse the situation you're in right now if he didn't fear you hating him. It also goes against what he wants to do with you. He said multiple times that he'd rather make you cry out of happiness and love. Sometimes he can't help it and he causes it with fear. He'll feel shitty afterwards, but always makes sure to make it up somehow. Not by apologising tho... that's too much for him.

He decided that it's best to stop at that moments as he takes a book to read. He'll read it for you if your interested enough.

Stolas himself would also get nervous when this is happening. So he sort of understand where you're coming from. It's not like he has absolutely no experience, but the connection he feels to you makes him scared to mess it all up. So he just stopped what he was doing when he saw you tense up and freeze.

"Look... We don't need to continue now... we can do it any other time if you're still up for it."

The only thing he hopes is that he's atleast allowed to be the one you're doing it with when you do feel up for it. He doesn't know what he'll feel or do when he hears that you just straight up went with another demon to do this with.

#whb #what in hell is bad #what in “hell” is bad? #whb asks #whb satan #whb beel #whb leviathan #whb mammon #whb lucifer #whb stolas

[socialbunny]

15 questions for 15 mutuals :3

i was tagged by @annieshowell, @obsoletepixels, @goatskickin, @shitysimp, @sicksadsim and @jsasimmer <3333333333 thanks guys ily >:3

are you named after anyone? no, my mom had two names she wanted to pick for me and she and my dad settled on the one i have. but she was alsoo watching this movie in the hospital and one of the characters has my exact birth name so i think that cemented the name lol. and my name dirk, i named myself after dirk dreamer bc he's so me fr

when was the last time you cried? can't remember exactly

do you have kids? No I don't need that that in my life rn

do you use sarcasm a lot? I dooo, never in a mean way tho bc i feel like using sarcasm to mask how u feel abt some1 is pussy fr. i love joking around and poking fun and just being silly and weird and chillin like? irl personality is hit or miss with people. ive been told i talk back too much or always have something to say like? 😭

what sports do you play/have you played? when i was in elementary school i was in a dance group (terrible at it i have no rhythm at all it's honestly embarrassing) and when i was in high school i was in a tennis class (which was a PE alternative where we honestly never did shit tbh, towards the end of the school year we'd just be in the computer lab most of the time) and i considered joining the actual team but i also sucked at it 😭 and i really don't like doing team shit esp sports bc people start acting weird and i start getting real agitated.

what's the first thing you notice about other people? like physical i guess their outfit and hair and other shit i wear my glasses forr but shittttt, like just talking to someone i can catch their vibe really quick. just the way someone talks can tell you a lot abt them

eye color? Brown

scary movies or happy endings? it really depends on what the movie is

any special talents? nothing in particular i can think of. i think anything i do i'm really good at but not especially good at you know. i used to be told i'm really good at drawing but i was told this by the type of ppl who say they cant draw a stick figure so. take that as u will

where were you born? Texas 🤠

what are your hobbies? I love drawing and writing and reading and all the shit in that sphere of hobbies in theory 😭 been in a slump lately and doing shit seems harder than it needs to be. I love watching animation analysis and critiques, and listening to those 3hr vids of ppl talking abt shit i will never watch or care about while i do other bullshit. i really like making renders right now it gives me something to do without getting distracted too much. i also love playing really old shitty video games that have pages of cut content on tcrf

do you have any pets? No :( never had any pets when i was a kid either bc my mom had a whole bunch of dogs as a child and she didnt fw the idea of having any more animals in her house

how tall are you? 5'4 :)

fave subject in school? I love English (predictably I guess 😭)

dream job? i'd love to work in the animation industry in any way possible <3 or work in tv in general. probably have my own cartoon some day but thats such a stretchhhhhhhh i cant even work on my sims fanfiction or any oc shit LMAO. if not then i'd accept nothing less than a job where i don't have to talk to a lot of people and get payed billions of dollars to do bullshit

i dont have 15 ppl to tag since i do ask games so slowlyyyyy but i'll tag @despairoftheendless, @junkskoer, @faghotline and @hyperthinks !!! <3

#chat

[daz4i]

ok ok rather than make a bunch of annoying vent posts i'm just gonna put everything on my mind all in one post to let it out 🔥 you absolutely do not need to read this, this is honestly so ridiculously long. my brain better feel clean for like at least 2 days after this fr

i knew i was gonna crash after this week and i think this is it 🥲 i was so tense for literally a whole week (even more tbh, bc i was preemptively scared of how much i have to do too) and i think the adrenaline drop kicked in after the peak of this one (aka being in a big social event. haven't been to one of those in literal years)

also. my parents have been sick this week and i think i maybe have contracted it too? 😭 if that is indeed the case it literally kicked in in the last like hour of the event, i was perfectly fine beforehand bc i avoided being in the same closed space as them when i could (aka kept my distance or made sure windows were open around me all the time jic). bc suddenly my whole body hurts like it hasn't in a long while. tho that might be the adrenaline crash too who knows 🥲 ig i'll see how i feel when i wake up

i have not been creative in awhile and i can feel my brain drowning in gunk lol. technically i tried writing songs a couple of times lately but they came out so bad i can't finish them. or anything. and i feel like shit abt failing to create literally anything. and i keep seeing people be creative and make so much or sharing their work fearlessly and it's always so much better than mine too that i'm burning with jealousy that i can't turn off (and can't channel into my own creation bc well. it comes out shitty! so the cycle not only continues but in fact gets worse each time). every time someone tells me i'm good it feels like they're lying to make me feel better or bc they love me so they're. biased and see everything i make as good bc it's me, so i can't count that. every time *i* feel like smth i made is good there's some glaring imperfection i don't know how to iron out so i start hating the whole piece. i don't know how to become better when every time i try to practice i end up wanting to claw my own eyes out as punishment for being so talentless and dumb

(the dumb thing too is. oh my god this is gonna sound so silly but. i try to make myself feel better by solving puzzles or trivia or riddles etc bc these are things i'm usually good at. but lately i can't be proud of myself for succeeding at any of them, and i keep beating myself harder for every time i fail or don't do as well as i used to, bc it feels like i'm failing at the only thing i'm supposed to be good at. also i just generally keep doing stupid things lately esp when it comes to my time management or taking care of my body in various ways, i keep forgetting things which is smth i almost never do, i struggle to get through conversations with others bc i trip over my words or make mistakes constantly, generally i'm just being stupid in various ways)

right now i am. so anxious. about so many things. here let me just make it into a list starting with very small to. probably still small but it feels big to me

1. this is so silly but. i am literally too tired to put small earrings back in after changing them to long one for the party. and i'm scared the holes will close up in my sleep. but this is literally so much work 💔 idk if the holes haven't healed properly or if i'm using the wrong metal so i keep getting infections bc it's been A While (two years. apparently. maybe more??) and they haven't healed yet. like i said a silly thing to get stressed over but i am. very tense

2. i don't know. if the people i knew in the party actually didn't recognize me or if they ignored me on purpose. bc i stood next to some of them while my besties were talking to them too and they didn't even say hi (or like introduced themselves the way others that i didn't know have done). one of them was literally my bestie for a good few months a few years ago and even tho i grew a beard i. don't think i changed THAT much??? also i don't think it's hard to make the connection abt who i am given how tight this community is. someone i haven't talked to since like 2015 bc we had beef recognized me even. so how come they didn't. i met one in a con recently and she did recognize me so. h. did i do something wrong. did someone say smth bad about me. i don't know i don't understand social rules enough to figure it out 😭

3. this is another thing abt that tbh 🥲 while it was very fun and a super cool event, it did remind me very painfully of why my social anxiety is so bad 😭 i felt like i made 10 social errors per minute. i didn't know what to say half the time so i just smiled or laughed and i think that made me seem creepy idk. a lot of people were very nice and i think i did mostly fine with them but also maybe not. idk. i am definitely overthinking things but what if i'm right. it's not that out of the question. i am known to fail social interactions there's a reason why i do my best to avoid them

4. and this is kinda bringing me to a thing i have on my mind a lot recently. bc i'm doing the recovery thing. and a lot of people - friends family and professionals who help me there - tell me i am capable of more than i think or admit. and i get WHY they think that bc i *am* doing a lot compared to the literal nothing i've been up to for years. but i am very much pushing outside my limits, which is why i'm constantly feeling like shit lately i think (not that i was doing great before but. yeah). it probably seems mostly effortless bc i just do them without beating much around the bush but that's only when i mentally prepare myself days or even weeks ahead (for reference, i'm talking about things like. being in public. or taking a bus). or the work i do for projects that... honestly idk how i'm doing that either. i am the laziest person ever and i have no ability to concentrate yet i managed to sit down and do work and do it well and learn text by heart and research and write for hours and ??? it does not feel like myself. but it also kinda does bc i need to very forcefully push myself into it and berate myself for hours until i actually get up to do anything so. it's not smth that comes naturally to me. i don't consider myself capable of things. i'm just very good at pretending i'm unbothered (up until i start crying uncontrollably at least lol) so ppl think i am. unfortunately. bc then they expect me to do more. or they pressure me into it then get disappointed when i can't do it (ig that's the core of it for me... i don't want anyone to develop expectations about me, bc i know i won't be able to meet them, at least not long term. so i insist i can't do anything, bc sometimes - often - i really really can't. i don't wanna be judged by my best. feels false to even call it that tbh. but that's bc it's so rare, it's the best for a reason, the absolute peak i can get to, as pathetic as it is. bc the problem is, when this is already beyond my limits, i literally can't go further, but that's what they want me to do 💔)

5. god. this is also a small thing probably but the accidental lie i mentioned. for context i am giving a lecture abt p5's mythology in the next con, that's the thing i was working on lately. anyway when i signed up i gave background information about myself, and to make myself sound more fitting for the job i said that i learned the topic in [university that specializes in said topic] bc i did - just. 2 classes. that's it. i was telling the truth there, technically (most of my knowledge on the topic comes from independent research, but the classes i took did help with that too, as in i knew where to look for info and things to look out for) (also for reference i'm gonna be fr. i did not finish these classes. social anxiety got to me and i was scared to go to anything outside zoom lessons which weren't an option anymore unfortunately)

ANYWAY when they told me i got in they sent me a "revised" bio which was just what i originally sent them, so i said okay. but now the whole thingie was posted and i can see my bio there and. they said i graduated from [uni] and used language that implies i have a degree in it, probably to make me sound more credible, but it's not true!!!! 😭😭😭 the thing i said was definitely embellishment but it WAS true enough that if asked directly about it i could spin it somehow ("oh i haven't finished yet" "yeah i took a couple of classes when i could to enrich my knowledge") but this. makes it so much harder

chances are i won't be asked bc why would anyone ask abt that. but ever since i started writing the script i was so stressed about people calling me out for being wrong abt info, so i even added a disclaimer of "these are old texts that have many versions that vary according to location or were changed with time uwu if you know a different version of this story that's probably why uwu" and "due to the time constraint i'm giving a very simplified and short version of this topic uwu" bc given that i'm talking a lot abt judaism. to a mainly (or most likely, entirely) jewish audience. it's enough that there is someone who is religious or previously ultra orthodox in the audience that if i make a mistake they could point it out. and then i'll start panicking and lose my train of thought and fuck everything up while i'm already so stressed as is and-

so like i've been super stressed abt all that^ until now but that misinfo in my bio is raising the stakes for me 😭 bc now what if someone who went to this uni and majored in this topic calls me out on never seeing me there. or they can tell the info i'm giving isn't smth that's taught there or isn't the way it's taught there. this is such a specific and unlikely fear but i can't not stress about it because TECHNICALLY it's possible, it COULD happen even if that's not too likely

6. all of this is while i'm also struggling with bureaucracy around that art program i'm signing up to, idk if i'll get in yet or not bc i need some files to be approved and idk if they would, and idk what i'll do if they don't. or what if they do! i'm honestly so scared to start it, idk how i'm gonna go from nothing to waking up early and driving an hour 4 times a week to be active and around people for a few hours. tbh i don't think i can, but also if this gets approved then i have to, so the government's money doesn't get flushed down the toilet bc of me.

7. all this shit has a major impact on my physical health 🥲 not getting into details bc that's def tmi territory but. i'm fighting for my life over a certain stress-caused medical thing for weeks now. only other time i had it was when the war originally started so naturally i was extra stressed then, but like, this is to give you a reference for how majorly stressed i am now. my regular pains are flaring up more often too which makes things harder to handle as well (like, stressing abt not doing enough work, bc i'm literally in too much pain to do anything but lie down. or being scared of the plans i have for the week bc what if these pains catch me when i'm outside or with people. how am i supposed to push through them. what if they catch me when i'm in public and i have to sit down in the middle of the street. what if i'm with people and i'm holding them back from doing smth bc of that. etc etc)

8. ofc all this is happening during the war and i keep seeing things i really don't wanna see from ppl in my country and the west 🥲 and it's like, the mix of guilt over this happening at all, and the frustration over feeling like i have nothing to do about it, and fear about how things are gonna escalate in either direction, and seeing friends from other countries posting things i agree with but can't condone full heartedly bc well. this'll hurt me directly, as selfish as it sounds (tbf, when i say hurt me directly, i'm talking about me and my loved ones' lives being endangered), but also seeing said loved ones talking about things i can't agree with morally, yet can't fully refute either because life is. complicated. i have a lot more to say tbh but i'm too tired to acknowledge every single facet of every single related issue which will open me to a lot of hate so. best to leave it here. unfortunately

idk where to put this. sorry for the sudden topic change. it feels bad to be stressed over that but, there is a guy who i know likes me like a lot. i think i'm like exactly his taste and he's always so excited about seeing or talking to me. one of my besties - or maybe more. idk - really wants us to get together bc tbh it'll probably be good for both of us, and y'all know how desperate i am to be loved lol. but i can't bring myself to like him the way he likes me 💔 he's fun but i have a hard time with one on one interactions so i can't really progress things and tbh, idk if i'm currently in a mindset where i even should, given all that^. also i know for a fact i can't handle an actual relationship, and i'm scared i'll disappoint him or drive him away if i'll be my real unfiltered self, and ik i need to be obsessed with someone to get attached this quickly but i can't force it either. and to put it more directly... i'm perfect for him and his taste, but not the other way around 🥲 (tho tbf idk what my taste even is. i identify as aroace for a reason). i don't wanna string him along but i think i already kind of am 😭 i like him but not as much as he likes me, but what i probably like here even more is the feeling of being liked. and that makes me feel like a dick. i also feel guilty for not liking him the same way ig even tho ik it's stupid bc it's not like i can control it. and yet

so yeah this is. a lot of shit. all at once. both silly and not silly at all. my brain is in constant overload. i get violently suicidal every time i have a moment alone with my thoughts or when i see anything that reminds me of that. bc all this stress makes life feel so impossible - it IS impossible - that i can't handle the thought of it, but half of the things that cause me stress are supposed to be for the purpose of distracting me from how stressful everything is. so. what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that. how am i supposed to live like at all

#vent #this was written very out of order #i don't expect anyone to read this but if you do. 1 sorry 2 are you okay 3 i love you #it feels better to post things than to just write them in a doc yknow?? #not sure why. maybe it's the feeling of not being alone with these thoughts ig. or getting some external validation #it did help tho. i feel like i can actually go to sleep now maybe. wow #edit: holy shit i just checked. this took nearly 2 hours to type. wtf. damn guess i really needed that akdkglhlj #btw if you do read this you gotta like this post 🧐 so. i know. bc i like knowing. sorry

[oatmealcrisp-freak]

One of the pieces I rlly like about saiki and aiuras relationship is that she does buy into saikis hype about "I don't gaf about anyone" and throws that back in his face like she's so attached to her idea of what a good person looks and acts like that not even her ESP can cut thru Saikis bullshit - probably in part because he tries so hard to believe it himself.

But I also feel like in a way it speaks a bit to Aiuras respect for Saikis privacy. I don't think she's great at physical respect (though she learns and boundaries are a thing we learn as we grow) because she's got that protag single-minded nature thing going on but like

There's so much that Aiura could learn about Saiki with her ESP but all she seems to use that for is finding him to chat him up. Instead of peering into his life she chooses to take him at face value and BELIEVE him and in him.

I think that really stems from her helping people thing. She has the ability to act with her ESP in that peeping sorta way at the request of others for THEIR sake. It is something people explicitly consent to, to her. There's aspects that she doesn't have that level of control over but she seems to have taken that to heart and uses that to inform her values.

That's something Toritsuka can choose but actively decides not to. That's something Saiki...doesn't have the ability to choose. At all. Which I don't doubt has impacted his self esteem, but I also wonder if that's why Saiki is...probably debatably the most physically comfortable with Aiura? In spite of her romantic interest in him, which I think says A TON considering how he acts with everyone else, even qith the context of hwr knowing about jis ESP. He just dodges her when he's not comfortable with her touch as opposed to Yumeharaing or Teruhashiing her, and he tolerates and even reciprocates the most affectionate touching from her. I'm not sure he even receives that much physical affection from his mom. And saiki doesn't only tolerate it but he even uses it and in the finale, again, reciprocates a bit.

Obviously Saiki doesn't do anything to dispell the "Yeah I only care about myself" thing because he thinks he's right and he thinks Aiura would be better off and safer by adopting that mindset, and it leads to a lot of conflict between them at first but

Aiura is smart. She can see a walking contradiction between words and actions with her eyes, she doesn't need ESP for that. She takes being held at gunpoint seriously enough to seemingly lay off a smiiiiidge on the openly fortune telling thing, she's open enough to learn from Saikis experiences, but she's not gonna let go of her values.

That said, even then, Aiura still likes Saiki a lot despite his acting in direct contradiction to her values, they're still friends. Partners even. And Aiura hopes for more. And interesting to me she doesn't really push Saiki to adopt her world view as much as he does her.

Saiki got that, "I can fix him" thing. Aiura seems to respect people enough, and/or herself enough, to realize that's not a hill worth dying on. Problem is...

People can influence others but we usually can't CONTROL others. Saikis influence is close enough that it's informed that fix him attitude. Aiura doesn't have that, and it's enabled her to know a bit better

And to sometimes know a bit worse

And to have that influence with Saiki in a really gentle way that allows him to feel safe in his own natural inclination to do good by others instead of hating on himself for it. Whereas he encourages her to be more mindful about her own safety and powers because sometimes even with the best of intentions, the worst can happen, and he doesnt want her to have to learn that the hard(er -looking at her getting hit by a truck-) way.

And I rlly like that about them ❤️

[catcze]

hello hello! I hope your cramps aren’t getting you down too much rn, ik how brutal they can be. Really wish we would reabsorb the lining like animals in the wild but oh well 🫠

I’ve been having thoughts about wrio in a “who did this to you?” context (mixed in with frenemies to lovers hehe). Esp after his sq (iykyk), I feel like bro would not hold back at all. Lowkey been craving some fics with this trope so if you have any recs or if you’ve written anything in the past pls do share 👀

Take good care of yourself, I hope the yucky cramps go away soon then you can return to playing with wrigglypuff and enjoying the view 😏

- 🕸️ anon

Wrigglypuff aww wait i haven't heard that one before that's so cute 🥺 And thank you sweetheart ! I'm feeling better hasdk did some shots and idk i dont feel the cramps as much anymore HAHAHA

and omg for real— i love love love that his story quest gave us a look at Wrio who is more, like, ruthless, i guess? Idk if that's the right term, but i hope you know what i mean akhsda i feel like it really gives us more of a look into him as a character who isn't necessarily good or bad, he's a dude just trying to live his life and protect his people, you know?

I haven't really written for that trope myself (tho, ngl, since you've mentioned it I'm eyeing it now 👀👀) but !! One of my lovely mutuals Sol wrote a little something with the 'who did this to you' trope here ! Definitely recommend giving it a read 🤭 Unfortunately, aside from that I can't think of anything else that could possibly fit the bill :(( But if anyone else has recs, please feel free to share ♡♡

#「 🐈‍⬛ 」 strawberry.milk #「 🍒 」 Sweet tooth !! 🕸 Anon #Take good care of yourself too my love !! #smooch smooch smoochhh ♡♡

[fairycosmos]

Can I get your opinion on my cat Stanley? He died a week ago I think, not even a year old. It really traumatized me bc my other cat died almost a year ago and I don't know what I did to deserve it of either of them. Stanley was named that bc he loved drinking water from a faucet and it reminded my siblings of the movie Holes, the scene where Mr Sir is like "Thirsty, Stanley?"

I really do miss my boy so much and I don't think I've been able to say much about him bc i distanced myself, as it took me 2 weeks of non-stop hardcore crying and being unable to breathe for me to somewhat accept my cat's death last year, so this one was even more of a struggle.

The main thing stops me from grieving too much is that Stanley was literally fearless. He should've been like a normal cat, afraid of cars, but he wasn't so I can't get mad at him for not being here anymore. I know he loved me bc the day before he died, he must've known something was gonna happen bc he jumped up next to me on the bed, came up to me, sat in my lap, kissed my face, let me kiss his head, purr, and not leave me alone for a while before he went to my little sister and did the same with her. 🥺

I'm not trying to make this sad or anything, just wanted to ask what you'd think of him, given my description of him?

-Lyle

ohhh lyle i am so so sorry that you are going through this right now :( the pain of losing a pet is so real and so awful. he looks like such a wonderful, well-loved and well cared for little angel. i especially love his eyes and the pattern of his coat - what a sweet little love. and what a great name, too. unfortunately i think during grief our minds try to make sense of the mourning by turning to familiar concepts such as self-blame, or pondering questions without an answer as a distraction or a way to make it all seem clearer - i.e, what did i do to deserve this? the answer is nothing. the answer is horrible things happen without reason to lovely people and lovely animals all the time, and it is horrifically unfair. it is very clear just from this message alone that he loved you just as much as you loved him, that you guys had a really special bond that can never be taken back or lost fully. the reaction you're having, the crying and the grieving and the depth of the hurt, is completely understandable. esp when the death is so sudden and unexpected - it takes time to move through these emotions. the coping mechanism of distancing yourself from talking about him and your other cat is very common, and i think it's a good sign that you're able to share him with me and recognize all the love that exists between you two. i hope you have good people around you who you can begin to open up to about this - maybe your sister, who clearly cared for stanley like you did. honestly, if the mourning continues to be hard to deal with, i would even consider talking to a counsellor about if i were you. just to have someone to unload all these feelings and verbalize what you're going through. i know that's a big and complicated step, but it's ok to need help dealing with this sort of thing for real. mostly i hope you're able to find ways to remember him and honour his life as yours goes on, even just by remembering him as he was - adorable and deeply appreciated. if you ever wanna talk about him, share stories or more about his personality or pics when you're ready, i would love to hear it. i hope he can rest in peace, poor little guy. :( sending you a massive hug. x

#xxnothuman-vwolfxx

[bmwiid]

Annnnnd.... I'm done!

This was my test fit for the Blanka Flight Suit by Closet Core Patterns and I'm in love. I really look my time with these as I really find myself cutting corners a lot - esp with finishing and top-stitching and things. The material is a poly cotton from Ikea and is really thin and low quality and I have LOADS so I'm using it as muslin. The zipper is white, I know - but I didn't have anything else this size when I started (typical, they arrived today).

However, as I new I'd not be getting a lot of wear out of this I wasn't precious about the zip. I might take it out at a later date if I feel like it.

So - first thing - the pattern was FANTASTIC. Instructions were clear, complete, matched the pictures shown and were very beginner friendly. I cut this in a size 18UK and it's a perfect fit for me. It's also very flattering. It does come with two sleeve options which I was going to do, but ended up realizing that I'm def a bit partial to sleeveless, and I feel hardcore.

This took two weekends to sew, I'm a slow sewer and worked on this pretty sporadically - if you were sitting and WORKING, I'd say 2 days.

The actual jumpsuit is... fantastically comfortable. There is enough ease that I can sit criss cross without cutting myself in half, and I'm currently wearing it sitting in my chair with both legs tucked up with zero crotch issues. I do have to put the zipper down a LITTLE so it's not RIGHT at my throat but I'm a long person and I have to do that with EVERYTHING.

I can't belive its taken me so long to try these 'indie' patterns and each one of them so far has been a total delight. Although this isn't the best fabric and it attracts fluff and cat hair like a magnet, I'm keeping this on. I'm sooooo happy with how this turned out.

The actual pattern has different options and layouts, zipped pockets and sleeves to pick from. There is a LOT of topstitching so this is a thread hungry fabric, but who cares when it looks this good at the end?

The PDF version of the pattern is £14.25, printed it is £17.25 + postage.

The total cost to me was: 5 yards of DITTE fabric at £3 a yard, a zipper from an old bedspread, and the pattern. I didn't bother with interfacing because this is just a tester, but it holds up okay without. I used almost two bobbins (which is how I measure thread).

I would give this 10/10 for a beginner OR experienced sewer. The end result is super lovely. I can't wait to remake it!

#blanca pattern #blanca flight suit #closetcorepatterns #closet core patterns #sewing #home sewing #homesewing #handmade #home made

[silvaurum]

it's funny, i was thinking the other day how weird it is that middle school was 20 years ago for me, that sounds fake even though i Am 30, and middle school 5th grade would have been 20 years ago exactly. it's just not a time scale i'm used to! it's interesting.

and going to college late makes it more so. esp because the public schools in my area have a program for high school students to take some free college courses, so sometimes i hear from teens in my online classes. i'm sure i've talked about stuff like "omg i had to explain to my 18 year old coworker what dial up internet is that's so weird!"

but nothing. nothing could have prepared me for what i've just read. this... growth of technology is unfathomable to me. "our computers growing up had dial up if anything"the internet" was not for the mainstream middle class until the early 2000s, iirc. our windows 98 computers were used for games on cd-rom almost exclusively, maybe aol off a cd as i got older. i think we got our first home computer in 2004, so middle school, and it was so i could use a word processor to type my essays instead of hand-writing them.

you cannot, i tell you, imagine my feelings upon reading a sentence such as this:

"I have been doing online school since I was in 3rd grade,"

i think to myself, 'this cannot be right. i know they had online school before 2020. but 3rd grade? this kid was online in 3rd grade? not just online but doing SCHOOL? what grade is he now?? he can't be a senior, he must still be younger than that. what, 10th grade or something? even then...'

well, 7 years ago is 2016. if he's in 10th grade, he could very much have done 3rd grade online in 2016.

fear. fear stikes deep in my heart at this. even if he is a senior, online school existed in 2014. it wasn't common, but it was something i considered in 2010 and onwards. so.

so.

i am left aware of a gap, a dazzling and terrifying gap between me and the people born just a decade after me. i grew up without internet. offline. utterly. it existed, sure, but that was for people who could afford it and what was the point? what was on the computer that could be that cool? of course i was envious. and i still explored the transitioning 2.0 web of young social media.

they... were born into it. their baby pictures aren't all in an album in someone's basement, they're on fb and google and. they never had... the option to ignore it. the adverts. the infinite loops. the rabbit holes. they never lived in a world where that "internet stuff" was new and a little weird to care so much about. the assumption of sharing anything digitally is baked in. the assumption that online means infinite user-generated content.

i don't think... i don't necessarily think online is bad, edison was a witch, technology phones eat brains bah humbug. it's. just very. humbling, i guess, to realize how vastly different my experiences are from theirs and. to have the perspective of having lived a little in the before world, and lived in the transitions. and. to realize that i am... still growing and aging and new people, entirely new people, are growing and learning and, in a way, in my place. in terms of not knowing the histories and the social norms that have changed. and that i only know how little i know! and... that i can only image how overconfident i was as a kid in how much i knew, and yet... i was sure of those assumptions because everything changed so fast and i hadn't seen firsthand how different things could be from one decade to another.

and the concept of 'one decade to another' is... another thing that only beings to have a sense-making context now. some things, patterns, are only... not only, but easier to see, by far, from that point of view.

when i was a kid i remember every day feeling like it's own chapter. a week was forever, so many things could happen! and i was right, and i was able to notice all those things because each one of them was a first, was The Most Important Social Thing to happen for me! at that point in my life, those very small friendships were the most intense personal relationships with chosen people i'd ever had.

now whole months go by. things happen. i notice them, somewhat, but differently. so and so is doing that again. this person is going through that thing, but i dealt with that myself oh years back, so i know how it is. awesome new milestone! i have a lot more progress to look back on, so i'm able to see it in context. it's... i guess i'd be lying to say it didn't seem a little less exciting, but it's also... i'm able to enjoy it more. i feel less like a fake. it's not a fluke, it's the 20th milestone, there must be something to this. it's a little more intrinsically rewarding, and i can pat myself on the back more and mean it. but it is... less exciting, for that reason. i don't feel like i'm getting away with something, as much, any more.

[archer12xx]

Letters to Tobias...

--

1

--

Yo! I'm bored so I thought of writing you some letters. Of course, I won't give them to you~ Like I'd want you to read this stuff. Lol (also not sure whether you'd read them so...)

Anyway, I was at the mall with my friend the other day and I saw this pair of cool sunglasses and it reminded me of you. Then I wonder... When did things start reminding me of you? Still don't know the answer so I let it go.

Don't ask me if I bought the sunglasses. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Who knows? My lips are sealed. :P

Welp that's all for today. I hope Vegas is fun for you~

-Me.

--

2

--

Heya~ Saw you on TV today! Man, you're really good at what you do, aren't you? Makes me wanna watch you in person. But we both know that's...

Anyway, today's my day off and I didn't really have anything planned. Talked to the others a bit but since most of them are busy (esp Brooklyn) we ended up splitting right away. Why weren't you there, btw? You're usually online even when you're up in the air... Uh no, I'm not saying I miss you. Uh... Maybe I do...? Lol jk I don't. It's just weird not to have you around, I guess. Got used to your presence, and by your I mean the six of you. So if one of you guys isn't around, it doesn't really feel right.

I guess.

Anyway, hope you're well and come online already!!

-Me.

--

3

--

Yo! Why did you suddenly leave the chat earlier? Did something happen? I'm so curious but at the same time I'm not sure if it's okay to ask or if you'll even tell me. I couldn't follow your conversation with Rory since Leo and I are talking about the game he was recommending. Did he say something to upset you? Or...? Ugh I really don't know. I hope you could just tell me.

You know you can tell me when something's wrong or bothering you, right? I hope so...

Anyway, please take care always.

-Me.

--

4

--

Dude, really... What's wrong? I messaged you after my last letter but you didn't reply. Until now you're not talking to me. Did something really happen? Did I say or do something wrong? I feel like you're avoiding me, avoiding to talk to me for some reason.

I don't understand.

You're in Vegas again today, right? Hope you're having fun. Then at least one of us is... :(

-Me.

--

5

--

I can't open the messenger. No, it's not broken or anything... I just won't. I haven't been opening it. I can see some of the messages on my notification panel though, but I can't get myself to open it.

For some reason... I don't wanna see our conversation being left unread. I don't wanna see that you haven't replied on my messages.

Am I overreacting? I don't understand myself anymore...

Saw you on TV again today, btw. You seem okay so I'm glad. Take care always, Tobias.

-Me.

--

6

--

I was out getting groceries today and when I was looking for some snacks, I unconsciously grabbed a packet of mini m&ms. When I put them on my cart, I realized I don't really eat those... So why am I buying them? Then I remembered a photo you sent in the chat while you were on set before...

Ugh, I really need to go online.

-Me.

--

7

--

Hey. So... We're back to normal. We're talking as if nothing happened... Well, nothing really happened. Apparently it was just me.

When I got back I saw loads of messages from you and for some reason the heavy feeling that I have been carrying in my heart in the past few days have been lifted. I guess now I can't deny it. I really did miss you. Too bad, I'm not telling you. :P

Hope you get enough rest this weekend~ You've been working hard a lot. I'm happy that the show's doing well. Good job, Tobias. ;)

-Me.

--

8

--

So... I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to snap at you. I was just really annoyed for some reason. Plus I wasn't in the mood to joke around to begin with. But still, I'm really sorry. I know I already apologized and you said it was alright and that you're sorry too but I can't help but feel bad.

What was I annoyed at anyway? You've always had a lot of fans asking for your autograph and taking pictures with you. You're a celebrity, that's normal. I don't understand why it was annoying for me that you (and Leo) accused me of being jealous. Still I'm sorry...

Damn, now I think I'm being guilty. Am I jealous? Was I? I... I really don't know anymore.

Anyway, be safe and take care always~

-Me.

--

9

--

What do you do once you find out you have a crush on someone? I don't know what to do. This is... crazy. Wait... Is it a crush or plain admiration? I'm not sure. The line is so thin I can barely see it.

You're a celebrity. You're (obviously) handsome. You have a good personality. I mean you're fun to talk to and everything. Although sometimes your mischief annoys people (ehem Rory), you don't mean harm. And I know deep down that there's more to you than meets the eye. And I wanna know more about you. I wanna see the person behind every smile in front of the camera. I wanna know Tobias not The Fox nor Prince of Vegas. I wanna know you... Everything about you. The good, the bad, the happy, and the sad... I hope you'll let me though.

Anyway, I'm gonna go freak out now. Bye bye~

-Me.

--

10

--

I knew it. This is bad. Milo noticed. And now Milo knows. Why is that guy so perceptive anyway? Ugh...

This is bad. It's also kind of scary... What should I do? I mean, it's not like I'm in love with you or something... Wait... No... I'm... No... No!

Maybe I like... You...? But I'm not in love with you. That's too fast. Do feelings grow faster than plants? Should I ask Brooklyn about this? Ugh, no. I don't... Shoot. This is really bad.

Stay safe and don't catch feelings Tobias. Lol

-Me.

--

11

--

Yo! Heard about the news and saw that everyone's congratulating you. I haven't though. Because you haven't confirmed nor denied it. It's still a 50-50 chance that it was just a rumor. For some reason, my chest hurts. And I feel like crying. And my mind keeps telling me that I don't want you to be with someone else. Why am I thinking this way? If you're really going out with them, and if you're happy, I should be happy for you. Right? You're my friend after all but...

I might be a bad person. Don't get involved with me, Tobias. I'm sorry but I can't be happy for you if it turns out you're dating someone else. I'm selfish and I want to keep you all to myself...

But of course I'm not going to. I'm probably just going to lie and congratulate you and tell you I'm happy for you. Maybe joke around and tell you to behave yourself and everything.

And if the rumors aren't true, still... If you ever find someone, I'll be happy for you even if it breaks my heart. I think that's one of the bitter parts of being in love.

Wait did I just say love...? Oh what the hell...

Anyway, this has gotten longer so I'll stop here. Be happy always, Tobias.

-Me.

--

12

--

So it wasn't true after all. But then you confessed something to the group.

There's actually someone that you like. And you sound so happy about it, so I'm still glad. You're wrong though. You said they might not like you back but I think there's no reason for them not to. Not that I'm saying it was me you like but either way... I already like you. Anyway, I'm sure that person will end up liking you back. You're pretty cool, after all. Lol and that car 👀 come on! Hahaha jk like I said in that other letter, there's more to you and I'm sure that this person will see it as well.

I wish you well, Tobi.

-Me.

--

13

--

I was out to deliver some documents to our client today and guess what...? While I was on my way to their office, I got on the elevator and it broke. There was another guy in there actually. So I was stuck with him for a whole hour.

That was the longest hour of my life. Though he's so nice to talk to me the whole time and keep my mind out of the situation, I still couldn't help but panic. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest. I think he noticed how nervous I was and he offered to hold my hand. I was tempted but still refused because I might end up doing more than just taking his hand. Don't go getting jealous now, because it was you. Yes. I can't believe it either! Apparently you had a photoshoot at the same building. That coincidence is too much of a coincidence that my heart believes it to be fate. Was I wrong to refuse to hold your hand? I'm kind of regretting it right now. But I guess an hour of being in the same space with you was enough... For now at least.

You really are the best, Tobias. Despite not knowing who I was, you still showed me how good of a person you are. I think I just fell in love with you all over again.

-Me.

P. S - do you know now why I panicked? Lol

--

14

--

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. You're hinting at something and I'm pretending not to know. But little did you know I'm one step ahead of you.

But the thing is... Should I really do this? It's not about being misunderstood but mostly about being known. Do I want you to know about how I feel? Maybe this is a good time to do it. But the real question is... Am I ready? Are we both ready for it?

Man, being in love is a lot of work. Should I just play an otoge? Ugh... Sorry I got sidetracked there. Anyway, have a happy weekend Foxy. :*

-Me.

--

15

--

This is going to be the last letter that I'm going to write to you.

Today is February 15, 3am... And yes I'm not asleep yet. But you are, on my couch. Why? How did that happen? I don't exactly remember how. I just know that the moment I gave you the chocolate I made and told you how I feel, you're already holding out a bouquet of red roses and the largest chocolate box I've ever seen in my life. The next thing I know you were telling me you like me, too, and you want to go out with me. I think the words got lost on the papers I used to write these letters that I couldn't find some to say. So speechless, so happy, that all I could do was run to you and wrap you in a hug. And here we are. We spent the whole night sitting on my couch, and movies that we don't really watched played on the tv as we talked the night away. We also ate the chocolates we gave each other. And this is one of the best things that ever happened in my life.

This is the last letter I'm writing to you because from now on, I will be able to tell you how I feel.

I love you, Tobias. Always have, always will. I don't have to say take care always now, because I'll just do it myself. ;) Sweet dreams, my love.

-Me.

--

The End.

--

So instead of Halloween on Christmas we're having Valentine's on Halloween. 😂

#infinite blue #infinite blue tobias fox #tobias fox #infinite blue fanfic

[sunmoonjune]

you requested song recs so song recs you will receive !! (i was typing this out yesterday and fell asleep midway idk wtf i was on but anyways 😭)

first of all i’d have to say sweet by cigarettes after sex (other than the suggestive lyrics) esp “but it’s the way you smile that does it for me” and “sweet knowing that i love you and running my fingers through your hair” - yeosang in chapter 10 when bug smiled for the first time and yeo was petting? stroking? her i’m :( brb gotta cry

and the “it’s so sweet knowing that you love me though we don’t need to say it to each other” REMINDS ME OF YUNHOOO I CANT 😭😭 AND!! “and i will gladly break my heart for you” that’s so SAN CODED

second song i’d have to say is here with me by d4vd “i don’t care how long it takes as long as i’m with you” THEM BEING SO PATIENT WITH BUG AND HER TRAUMAAAASJEHUWYEBKHHDI/£()*683;”)¥]{$\[…] “ save your tears it will be okay”?? i need a minute i can’t handle this

also idk if you like instrumentals (i personally obsess over instrumentals and think they are underrated!!) but i’d day bug and ateez give very snowfall by Oneheart and reidenshi it gives me very “i’m thinking about you everytime i’m not with you” and it makes me GFHUDNUSNDJSJE you know?

and this last one isn’t english it’s turkish but M. by Anıl Emre Daldal THE CALMING VIBES? IMMACULATE!! i listen to it at least 5 times a day it’s so soothing and the lyrics are so cute im :( “Your words, eyes, and hands only belong to me. My dreams, smiles, and daydreams only belong to you” AND ALSO “Please come back to me darling” yes that’s very ateez to bug imo very ateez to bug….

SO SO VERY EXCITED FOR THE NEW CHAPTER esp because it’s gonna be so long i can take a break from assignments and revision and just curl up and be in the feels SO EXCITED YAY!!

- 📚 (take care of yourself sleep well eat well!! mwah!)

omg 📚 anon come here I am going to kiss you <33

first of all,,, all of these song recs are IMMACULATE and they all swiftly got added to the bug playlist!! <3 I love you so much omfg

ok ok so I had two cigarettes after sex songs on one of my writing playlists already but they were sadder vibes so I was so excited to add this one!! and you're so right omfg this song is so ateez/bug coded (besides some of the suggestive stuff) the lines about smiling fit the yeobug moment from chapter ten :')) the way she smiles does do it for him omg I'll cry <33

'WE DON'T NEED TO SAY IT',, STOP THAT'S YUNBUG -- they never need words they love each other SO MUCH I'm sobbing

'I'll gladly break my heart for you' <33 choi san the man that you are <333 I need to give him a kiss directly on the forehead and tell him how much I love him I swear :'D

here with me fits them so good too :')) they're so patient and willing to wait as long as she needs omfg <3 also also the line "I can't describe, I wish I could live through every moment again" reminds me of bug too <33 she isn't always able to describe her emotions (like the butterflies in her stomach and such) but she loves the feeling regardless <33 ASJLASLJ I'm making myself blush here;;

I'M MAKING MYSELF EMOTIONAL OMFG D':

and I do like instrumentals!! I have quite a few of those on my playlists as well! most of them are soundtracks to movies that I emotionally attached myself too tho LMAO -- like there's a song from the death cure (maze runner series) that I liked when I was young and it still makes me cry :')) also for any of my satosugu/jjk fans,, 'this is pure love' still makes me sob to this day xD

snowfall is immaculate omfg I love the vibes!! it definitely does give 'I'm thinking about you when you're not here' and it makes me mushy inside <33 definitely makes me GGASFEJSJL for sure XD I love it

and I'm so fine with recs in other languages!! I'll listen to literally anything my music taste is all over the place xD -- ok but "I beg of you, come back, my darling" THAT'S SO WOOYOUNG AND ATEEZ IN THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS OMFG EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATED D":

thank you thank you for these recs my love, they will definitely give me extra motivation to write <33 you're the best kiss kiss <3

and I'm so happy you guys are excited!! I swear I get your messages in my inbox and I kick my feet a lil cause your excitement makes me excited ya know? :D

also also I'm glad the new chapter can be a lil relief from studying and revising for exams!! I know the end of the year is coming up for a lot of ppl (or maybe that's just where I'm from idk :o ) and I definitely know how stressful that is :(( but I'm so so happy that this can be a little dopamine for those who need it xD <3

I hope you have a wonderful day my love <33 drink some water and eat well when you can! and take breaks from studying too!! I know you'll do so well I'm so proud of you hehe <33

#moonie speaks #moonie's anons #moonie's favs <3 #moonie's 📚 anon #like the moon #bug's playlist <3

[funkymbtifiction]

Hello Charity, I hope I found you doing well. I wanted to catch you before you go on your break because I've been going in circles for the past couple weeks now and it's tiring. Ideally I'd just take a step back and focus on something else but alas, for all my short attention span I also sure know how to hyperfocus on any issue I have to work out. I got your book last May and was hit in the face by a train: I previously thought of myself as some TP type, but your Fi dom chapter was like having my internal narrator captured on paper. A half satisfying ("YES, finally someone gets me!!!"), half spooky experience, really. I also saw a lot of myself on the Te chapter, so I had to admit I had been very off trail with my typing so far. The book also confirmed I am a high Se user, so I was glad I had at least gotten that right. The only issue is that I still can't tel if I'm an ISFP or ESFP.

Initially I thought for sure ISFP since the Fi dom chapter resonated so much. But then I realized that was a catch: the Te inferior part felt mostly off. I then thought that the reason was probably due to enneagram (I'm a 3). Maybe that's why I don't resent or resist external systems, I embrace then as helpful and necessary because they lead to efficacy and competency. [...] The low certainty about a Ni doom scenario generation during stress though, that hit home perfectly. I can vividly recall instances of that happening years ago. So I thought: what if I'm an ESFP instead? They are more often 3s than IFPs, right? Trouble is I'm seldom impulsive at all, I don't have the "Just do it, everything's gonna work out somehow" mindset. I'm the type who really researches and wants to know what I'm getting into, I really think before taking most decisions. The exception of course are crisis and emergencies, which I do excel at. I have a very rapid response time, but I don't know if it's because most ESFPs both in fiction and online seem to be 7s, but I feel like Se doms are just so trusting and I'm not. I also had such a strong and long lasting issue with insecurity, so much so I self sabotaged many times and didn't take opportunities because I was sure I was gonna fail at them, and be seen as a fraud. That idea terrified me so much I kept myself from living life to the fullest since I never knew how to just try things with no expectations. 

Sorry for the length, but Id like your advice on how to tell which is my actual type.

The fact that you resonated so hard with Fi-dom, with Se (but not with leaping in before you look), and with low Ni probably means you are an ISFP with Te development due to your Enneagram type. But the main indicator is that ESPs find themselves through experiences, whereas ISPs judge experiences before having them. It sounds like you do the latter and are careful not to leap into anything, whereas an ESP 3 would be adapting to the environment on-the-go.

I'm an ENFP and a 6, and that neuters the ENFP-ness somewhat in terms of I never jump into anything without seriously thinking about it first. I could mistake myself for an introvert because of that -- but I do not relate to Fi-dom chapters. I figure out who I am and what I think by exposing myself to things / ideas / experiences in order to land on my location, which is what an EFP does. IFPs just "know." So you might want to think about whether you "just know" what you think and feel about something, or if it's a gradual discovery that comes from outside stimulus.

Certain Enneagram types (fear-based types, or competency-based types) are going to cause a feeler to lean more on their thinking functions to be more efficient and/or logical and/or safe, but this can also cause them to assume their thinking functions are "better" than they are -- until they are dealing with an actual thinker, and then they see that their organizational skills are "less." If the only thing keeping you from ISFP is that you seem to use Te more, you're an ISFP. If Fi-dom fits, Se aux fits, and tert-Ni fits, the answer is ISFP. :)

#submission #question #mbti #isfp #esfp

[witchthewriter]

hello, love

1st and foremost i wanna thank you bc you give so much content and truly make me feel like im back on 2014 tumblr nostalgia.. so lots of love your way cs i adore you and your stuff and you brighten my day♡

i wanna ask for a lvl 2 ship (did 4 rbs and will do more heh..) cs those honestly are so much fun ♡ for Marvel, hotd and stranger things

describing myself.. as for looks i am 5.3, petite. hair is wavy, atm in a shaggy/wolf cut bob that's brown with my natular blond ends showing. eyes r dark blue sorta like denim. also have tons and tons of freckles/moles all over my bod

as for personality.. ppl say i am a smartass and way to sarcastic borderline mean at times. (esp that to my crushes..) yet that's cs I'm get nervous around ppl and become too teasingly mean for some reason. so all in all my friends say i look and even behave sorta like a b3tch and yet to close friends im a ride or die. and wjen it comes to any sexy business i try to be bratty and yet am suchhh a sub pft so all mean facade crumbles. im a straight gurlie that uses she/her pronouns

i like spitting random facts, enjoy walks and new places, study art. drink way too much coffee.. mb a lil too much wine/beer too heh. and am a passionate horror fan. also have no phobias.. literally don't give a damn about anything. did archery and knife fighting so i can whoop someones butt if needed~

once again sending loads of positive vibes your way love~ ♡

Want one? Here be the rules 🦋🌈

Hello!!! Oh my god, a fellow OG! Thank you for being so kind, and for participating!

𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒉 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒎𝒐𝒏: ✧ Outgoing ✧ Care-free ✧ Light-hearted ✧ Loyal

𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

I ship you with Argyle! I think you suit someone who doesn't take offense easily, who walks on the more chaotic side of life, and likes lifes' pleasures.

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・You have endless pizzas, like a lifetime supply. He never makes you pay, and you always go to the store that he works at - so everyone knows you (yay free pizza!!!)

・Just a pair of giggling gurties; once you start you can't stop

・You never feel uncomfortable around Argyle; it's like he just understands everything.

・Getting into trouble, but somehow always getting out of it?

・ Chilling in his van, whether that's smoking, drinking or just laying on your backs and talking about life

𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐥

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

I ship you with Thor - more specifically, I ship you with What If! Thor, where he grows up as an only son. In this he's more the Thor that Taika creates; fun-loving, carefree etc. This is especially seen in What If! Thor, he's storyline is that he goes out partying.

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・You and Thor would be two chaotic dumbasses who probably share a brain cell (not to be an insult, it's just a trope.)

・You make each other laugh all the time, and there is rarely a bad mood in sight.

・You have millions of inside jokes. That ONLY you and Thor understand. It makes your relationship feel special.

・He defends you against ANYONE, no one can speak ill of his lady

・Like two golden retrievers in love <3 always fawning over each other, making each other snort in laughter

𝐇𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐨𝐧

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

I don't know if you know much about Ser Harwin Strong, but this man is a cool guy. I mean look at the way he reacts to seeing a princess covered in blood? He's like, 'shiiiiii aight.'

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・He loves laying in between your legs in bed. Whether you're reading or talking, he'll climb onto you and push his back onto your stomach, so you can play with his hair

・He also loves to hear about gossip, but you're like "no Harwin, we don't like that person," and he goes, "oh right right sorry love."

・He rarely gets jealous but is very protective

・Isn't much for tradition and has an open-mind. This is very unusual in those times, and he astounds you. Most men want a wife to bed and have children and make them dinner. Harwin isn't like that, he wants to know about you. He'd marry you for love, not for reputation or what's expected.

・Pet names for you are, 'Love, Sweetheart, Darlin'

#let me ship you #open #match ups

[lilikags]

*sends hugs* i hope you're feeling better! i'm sorry you went through all that, it's the worst feeling to have someone invalidate your emotions, esp your own family. you have the right to feel sad, to cry, to be stressed, to be frustrated - that's just part of being human. and you can take the time to heal yourself until you feel better. you have to do what's best for you, and i hope you are able to make that safe time and space for yourself. be your biggest advocate! take care, sending hugs and good vibes your way 💖

im like. super late to this but 🥺 nonnie you're so sweet

if you'd like to know more about what actually happened then it's under the cut, not much detail

cw idk bad parenting (?)

but basically, since i got a 9/12 points on a math skill check quiz, my mother came in with her whole super disappointed talk, and when i explained to her that i did all the homework problems right and quickly, and i paid attention in class, and i reviewed beforehand, she simply told me that she didn't know what else i could do but i still regardless had to get my shit together. basically she left me in the dust and expected me to do better, it's happened a lot but i still end up getting really upset. it's how she is and her way of trying to get me to be successful is tell me to just do better, since she can't do anything to help me herself except hire tutors and hope for the best.

and i was pretty upset about it, and i almost cried at dinner, but i was (gladly) able to hold back my tears and just bottle it back inside, since i'd get interrogated and get my feelings brushed aside. they'd ask me why i'm crying, in this harsh tone, and then when i tell them they tell me its not a big deal and im crying over nothing, that i did this to myself and me crying and feeling terrible isn't helping me, so i should just stop feeling (whatever emotion i'm feeling) and it's happened a lot before, whenever i do end up snapping and crying basically, so i was really scared that would happen yesterday because i knew it wouldn't help anything

so yeah haha,

#celestine #cw vent

[ghostsofdoves]

Mnh, hard time in the head rn.

Sorry I need to vent like a TV dinner but like. I don't really feel safe to lmao.

CW everything pm just heavy suicidal ideation

Just like I probably need to back off from all of the kink things. But like it gives me happiness, but also sadness.

Like no kink IRL i want to have a partner and a baby and a family. And my brain is a mess because it's like I can't do the single parent thing and I'm autistic and I'm just so fucking depressed.

I'm actively self harming in new and exciting ways! I'm purposefully binge eating like shit. I don't care anymore. i dont.

And it's so incredibly isolating as a nonbinary faggot. It turns out im an inch taller than I was led to believe and maybe its because my posture is better but like.

I wanted to be small and cute and i regularly am pissed at myself that i didn't commit to the anorexia and i didnt commit to exercising myself to the bone. I could have been tiny and valuable.

And i know that's fatphobia speaking but like i just.

There's no point in me losing weight because ive already got the stretch marks and there's no point in me trying to get the pcos thing figured out because at the end of the day i grow disgusting facial hair i hate and hair on my chest and i feel DISGUSTING.

I'm too demotivated to even try.

There's no point while I work the job and the hours I do.

And my psych still wants to take me off of my meds! I was stable! I was doing okay!

I shouldn't have a baby because the poor thing would have my genetics but i cant adopt as an autistic lil trans faggot esp bc i live in the US south.

I need to sleep but whatever I'm sad right now. I am tired of sleeping! I don't WANT to sleep.

And just like all of my friends disapprove of having children and like i get it they would only suffer and i am selfish but. Im hopeful for the future even though all signs say otherwise.

I saw a tweet like "older generations dont understand that we don't expect anything good to happen ever again" and like yeah. Yeah.

Im hopeful but not stupid.

#dove posting #dove venting

[weltenwellen]

Why does one tend to tell things about themselves like a confession when they meet someone new, esp a potential love interest or friendships? I mean i always tell about how much of a hard time i have had loving my body and i make it clear that i don't appreciate my body as if to steal the chance before the other person chooses to do so from talking anything about my fat body (may be bcz everyone new i had met in my past had done so and i have developed the tendency to do it myself as a way to cope? Idk). I have a friend who confesses that she is unlovable and tells stories of people who have made her feel like she is unlovable. She tells she is unlovable and that she is trying to live with that.I always that she does so to ease the pain she might feel.

What is the line between confession and stating things? Why i can't just be present in a moment without feeling the need to justify it? Why choosing to be anything that involves being witnessed by another person feels so heavy in my mind and i just can't keep myself from preparing a speech in my head just in case anyone asks "why am i like this?". Do you feel like this? Am i alone in feeling this way? I can count the moments when i truely felt free with other people around me.

Thank you in advance if you choose to reply to this.

I really love your posts. Your selection of quotes paints such a beautiful image of you as a person.

Take care. Be safe.

Hi! Thank you for the compliments! Ok, let me answer this question by question. I love your way of writing and how your mind works. You seem like you're a very caring and loving human being with a tendency to overthink things 💛

1. What is the line between confession and stating things? I think to answer that is as difficult as determining what is wrong and what is right in many situations. But it helps to ask yourself what emotion you're acting out of or trying to identify a certain coping mechanism of yourself as we repeat patterns over and over again. Oversharing or confessing too much early on in any type of relationship I'd say comes most of the time from a lack of self-worth / self-esteem issues, very hurtful to traumatic past experiences and ultimately shame. You're trying to put all the cards on the table to avoid that moment (which you know 100% will come) where the other person sees you fully / discovers the part of you that your mind is telling you you should hide and where it almost feels you're drowning in shame. So your mind is telling you to prevent that shame by sharing what you feel most shameful about. It is hurtful and harmful to yourself and results in shame but it is by choice and thus expected and your mind is not constantly in a loop as to when the person realizes just how ugly you are, selfish, unworthy etc.. You sabotage the relationship because you already see the ending and you are certain in your mind that you do not deserve it. You make it hard for people to get close because you're at lightning speed but also because other people might have different coping mechanisms / different "strategies" of getting to know other and you're raising the stakes. So even if the person does not what you expect them to do '(clearly reject you), it's very hard for them to act now as you have shared so much and they have so little. It's not the same as someone being completely walled in but in some way it has the same effect because it creates distance.

2. Why i can't just be present in a moment without feeling the need to justify it? Why choosing to be anything that involves being witnessed by another person feels so heavy in my mind and i just can't keep myself from preparing a speech in my head just in case anyone asks "why am i like this?" I think both those questions go back to the feeling of shame. I think it takes awhile to realize it but once you fully stand in that feeling of shame, you're really fully in it and your mind is fully occupied it which leads to flipping a switch from living to surviving. That shame often times stems from trauma and / or just one person confirming those self-beliefs and it can trigger a shame avalanche. Being seen makes us vulnerable, someone witnessing our presence and us feeling is deeply personal and embarrassing. If you feel like you need to hide something of yourself and / or feel deeply shameful about some part of yourself, it results in your mind becoming day by day more occupied with it. Your mind becomes preoccupied with it and the insecurity for one thing over time spreads to other things until you're hiding all of you. As I've said before, you cannot hide anything of yourself without hiding everything of yourself. In the beginning it might work but the more time goes by and you go down over and over again these spirals in your mind, the more you hide more and more of yourself. Shame is like a really nasty fog in that way.

3. Do you feel like this? Am i alone in feeling this way? Of course not 💛 Every emotions and feeling you've ever felt, I have felt and all the other people around you have felt. You break that feeling of shame by speaking being open about what you've experienced, what you've felt and are feeling with people who have earned your trust and by doing the self-work which comes from self-love and is not guided by shame and self-hatred. There is a way to be honest with yourself and to hold yourself accountable without talking down to yourself and it'll over time bring you to that place where you can be present in a moment without feeling like you need to hide or justify yourself. And because you're at peace with all of yourself, you can connect fully to other people without trying to push them away by oversharing and disregarding caring for yourself.

I hope that that in some small way helped and was somewhat logical. All the best to you, hang in there 🦥 Life is as wild as the sea, you'll never know where emotionally and mentally you will be by next year.

#Anonymous

[morgana-ren]

why do u keep writing if u hve no passion then? not trying to be hostile btw sorry if it comes across tht way. im just curious bc an alarming amount of writers reblogged tht post so im just wondering why u keep doing smth tht makes u feel miserable? esp when ur not getting paid for it. u post all ur writing on here for free but if it doesn’t make u happy why continue? /gen

I mean, it's a valid question. I get you. There's a few reasons, and I guess you can judge for yourself whether or not they're valid. (Sorry it's long, I'm a little torqued right now and I'm just word vomiting personal shit no one cares about lmao)

Firstly, I do technically get paid sometimes. I do take commissions and I once again would like to apologize to all my commissioners for shit taking so long. Been a long year already and last year was just as bad. I swear I'm on it lmao.

Now that that's outta the way:

Truthfully, I'm a lonely person. I'm lonely by choice. I don't get close to people, I dislike being touched immensely, and I dodge and weave relationships like a professional despite having people that I get along with and are interested. I distance myself on purpose so don't get me wrong, it's my own decision, but unfortunately, I'm human which means that's not exactly healthy to isolate socially the way I do. The closest I get to intimacy-- physical and mental-- are these stories. It's a weird form of happiness I don't expect to ever have irl.

I kinda live vicariously through them without all the anxiety of not having control over the other person. I know exactly what Tomura/Astarion/Strade/Vulpes/etc are thinking and feeling at any time because I control them. If I say they love me, by the Gods, they do lmao. I can write out whatever scenario would soothe me, and bam, now it's there and I post it so other people can enjoy or relate if they want.

Sounds pathetic but ayyye, that's me.

My writing developed from my maladaptive daydreaming when I was younger. I've always lived in my head and go through life watching my own actions through a secondary screen, kinda like I'm watching someone else live it. Never been invested in it. I've been writing since I was literally old enough to reach the computer. It's just a part of me at this point. I drift away from it but always end up right back here, fingers on my keyboard with googledocs open staring at a blank slate cause I got shit I gotta work out and it's how I find happiness and peace in a world where I otherwise don't have those things.

When I say I write for me, I mean it. I write things that I would want and that I like to think about. Putting words on the page is somehow soothing, and it feels like I've actually done something productive for once in my sad little life. Most of what I do consists of video games and reading and other 'second lives', so I'm not exactly out here grinding and hustling and accomplishing goals and developing myself (I actually fucking despise that mindset but to each their own.)

I've stopped taking this blog as seriously as I did a few years ago. I treated it like a job back then, and it just wasn't good. Now I write when I feel like it and what I feel like and if other people dig it, dope. If not, well, move along. (Part of why requests and commissions take so long because I refuse to force myself to write them and have them come out half assed when I'm not feeling it.) It's all under my control, and if writing makes me unhappy, I can simply walk away and come back when I want to.

I guess to say writing makes me miserable is hyperbolic and dramatic. It doesn't. I enjoy it or I wouldn't do it. But I will say I can't relate to anything I write at all. I don't share those parts of myself with people. So when I write/read these slutty smut scenes, I do it with a straight face and no arousal at all because I guess I just don't quite click with it irl. I can read or write the filthiest shit and there's just a disconnect there. I can't honestly say I've ever felt genuine passion for anyone or anything at all so even if I wanted to, I don't get excited or anything because my head just doesn't know what to do with it. The closest I get to it are these fictional characters. It's pure fantasy, and a fantasy I can never ever have. It's miserable for a different reason-- cause even if I wanted something like this or to have someone want me like that, I'm my own worst enemy. I won't allow it.

(Also clearly my idea of what I find hot is extremely dangerous and any man or woman or enby that would go along with my insanity is a red flag unless SERIOUSLY and EXTENSIVELY talked through and consented to and I just can’t be assed to do it. That’s a lot of mental intimacy and I ain’t about that life at all. I’ll take a rapey OC daydream over all the work of actually getting this shit into place irl. All the benefits and none of the drawbacks, you feel me?)

Writing is a safe space for me to explore the places in myself I'm uncomfortable with and refuse to share. I can have my characters do the most disgusting and deplorable shit and wholly control how they feel and what happens. I'm a control freak. It's an outlet for me, and one I have total hold over. No variables. No eventual and inevitable abandonment. No questioning.

Don't get me wrong, I could give a fuck less if people know about them and are aware of what I'm thinking or what I want. I'm not secretive about my work. I just don't indulge in it in real life because I've never once trusted someone enough to ever do anything or act on it. The stories are a weird catharsis and how I bridge the gaps in my head that my heart craves but my mind denies.

It's bittersweet I guess is what I'm getting at. I do love writing and creating things and seeing as my shitty writing is the closest thing I have to any semblance of talent, that's what I do. It sucks in some ways because it's a constant teaser of what I want but can't have, but I suppose if it made me miserable, I wouldn't do it.

I'm sure all authors have their reasons for reblogging it (lack of engagement and loss of enthusiasm, habit, humor, etc) but there's a less-than-short version of mine.

#Morgana and friends #Morgana whining #Morgana-core #and every other tag required for my personal whining #Sorry for the word vomit I'm on ADHD medicine and wooo baby #I am feeling writing and word vomiting and I'd tell a stranger my darkest secret if they asked #(It's that my greatest desire is to literally fuck a dragon.)