#i dont want anyone to keep seeing me as a bad person

[plulp]

hey guys. remy design

#remy the farmer #dol #my art #sorry it took so long for me to make this #im watching live shows for one of my favorite music projects in the corner and i have to pause drawing to scream every 5 seconds #if i were in that crowd id be yelling. id faint. only but a dream to attend one of these #to the people that sent me another personality swap request also. i promise im not ignoring you but the one that said #''avery and eden swap would be a nightmare'' #youre completely right. it is a nightmare. i cant think of anything #so if either of you have any more ideas or anyone else does then PLEASE help me im begging you all i can think of is ??? i dont know #i hope you guys like this remy though #i was worried about if it was good enough but special thanks to the people on my side account that told me it was fine #i posted fem remy there too if you want to see it #i think when i do fem vers of them all ill group them up because itll take me less time to make it since ill already have the design basis #and also i feel bad for spamming you guys #actually would you prefer i keep posting them one by one or should i post them all at once? for these designs #i feel bad posting separately because that means the people who rb my posts reblog like 10 separate design posts in a row :( #and i dont want them to spam their blogs because of me #but i do really really appreciate it when i see someone do that in my notifs :) so thank you a lot if you do #and also thank you to everyone who leaves tags i read each and every one of them obsessively like a freak #this is getting too long im going to hit the tag limit at this rate #ill try to work on the avery eden thing again #see you all later :)

[thewickerking]

had a dream I had a boyfriend and he wanted to come to a therapy session to talk abt smn unrelated to our relationship (this was 100% cool with me) but my therapist instantly hated him and she was like "justify to me why you're here 🤨🤨🤨 name something u like abt ridley and then maybe ill let u talk" like what 😭😭 it was just me being a mediator bc they were arguing. Which is insane it was like couples therapy but evil

#it was very strange.. the boyfriend was a completely made up guy also not anyone i know #also like. idr what it was but i wanted to talk abt it with my therapist and he was being encouraging and asked if him joining + keeping me #on track would be helpful and i said yes bc i thought it was/would be sweet and there was so much dread bc my therapist was MAD #i also remember we hadnt been dating for very long so i hadnt talked a lot abt him to my therapist prior but she was livid it was weird.. #i also was like. well. if she hates him maybe im stupid and we shouldnt be dating and maybe i should go die in a hole also #it was so strange.... hmmm. i have more thoughts now actually but that may be deeply personal.. #i will say my therapist kinda felt like my mom in the dream. i wanted her approval sooo bad. i met with my therapist today btw it was normal #like. i care what she thinks but its not as intense by any means and like. idk. i dont think im capable of having a normal therapist-patient #relationship. not bc of any therapist being bad at their job/boundaries i just get very emotionally invested in them as a person #IDK thats also complicated. maybe ill make that a different post or never talk abt it again well see. #so many thoughts in my brain but probably a bad idea to elaborate heavily. idk. maybe ill talk abt it with friends later maybe i wont 🤷‍♂️ #.ares

[parallaxabomination]

my brain is so full of stress it might explode. but ill do my best to keep putting out my best and stay kind to myself and others. but man, is it hard

#i wish i had something for myself rn #but i come home so exhausted i cant even focus on art #everything has been burning me so thin #i keep talking down my own art now. i keep refunding clients. i honestly want to give up on everything #people tell me i do a good job but i dont see it. i dont see an artist whos worth anything right now. #i dont know if thats a phrase #i have a early morning shift tomorrow and i cant fall asleep #i want to just rest but im so restless #i dont want to put pressure on anyone besides myself bc i feel like a huge burden #if i do so #everyone else should be having a good time #so i feel like a bummer to take up their emotional space and time #i appreciate the kindness people have shown me recently #i know i work hard. but im still so broken over everything #i just havent felt like an artist since it happend #he left a bigger scar on my ego than i thought it would #and every time i voice it i feel someone is out to end me for it #but at the same time i feel completely unnoticed and unheard #i dont expect anyone to see me as me #i just feel this lump in my throat now. this weight on my hand #they say kind things but im so hurt inside i dont see it as truth right now. i dont see anything worth admiring #they say such sweet things and i want to accept them so bad because my heart needs it #but i cant help but feel the words die as they reach my ears. im just too hurt i cant see it #i cant see the truth in my work all i see is someone else's desire in their commission #as long as they are happy. as long as they are satisfied #thats all that matters #i dont feel important enough to be apart of the process anymore #i dont feel worthy as a person or artist #i just feel less than nothing and that no one will care

[yuukei-yikes]

takane's self deprecating inner monologues mirroring the fandom notoriously misinterpreting her as far meaner than she actually is. *holds head*

#also applies to shintaro #but shintaro is indeed pretty mean in hs soooo #post str i think he'd also be dramatic and sort of a jerk but its like. hes justified (looks at retaining) #hs days shintaro. u will regret this. dont be like that. ive seen into your future. just be nice im begging you #anyways takane. i study her under a microscope #OH and when i say Fandom i mean older fandom #sinceas there hasnt been. Content. yknow. so theres no way of knowing if ppl still interpret her that way #<- i dont have anyone to talk abt kage.pro with❤️ i wouldnt know. i just see what ppl post. sometimes. #what was i talking about #oh yeah #i had a thought i really did. #but i lost it #basically takanes self bashing makes me so sad #shes right to a degree because takane is indeed a selfish person (glares at manga route 2) #she wouldve NEVER walked away. takane being jealous haruka got another friend 1. would not happen 2. even if it did it would NOT keep her #from hanging out with him. #shes precisely too selfish for that. she precisely likes haruka so much and wants to Be with him so bad she doesn't give a fuck what ittake #sorry for the sudden manga 2 bashing i just needed to explain. takane is selfish #and she IS also attention starved❤️❤️❤️ #but she barely recognized her good qualities. if at all #ugh. sorry. i was going somewhere with this. i love her #kagevinnie

[salsa-di-pomodoro]

Alright. Guess the submas tag is still full of angst 👍🏼

#i keep making the same mistake in a feeble attempt to invalidate what my mind throws at me #i get to be upset over a whole new thing instead 🎉🤸 #its either that or im far too sensible to anything that could have an even vaguely negative connotation #like man its gotten so bad that i literally cant handle angst if it doesn't have an immediate happy ending or the promise of one #and i see a piece of angst and end up thinking about it all day in an attempt to imagine a way that could end in it being resolved #and then try and convince myself that it is the only reasonable conclusion #like come on brain. i just want to think about them building a train lego set as a re-bonding activity post hisui #why you gotta give me all this angst :( #.wait is this an ocd moment #or is it something else. guys anyone have the same experience oh my god? #should i tell my therapist my thought process... #personal #am i putting this in the tag. i am putting this in the tag #submas #i just want the certainty that he gets home and both he and emmet have a good time after is that truly too much to ask gamefreak #i dont even care if theyre changed over the years or not i just want them to be happy with themselves and each other. vibing together

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

i crave to be loved so badly but i am so scared of it, maybe even find myself undeserving or not capable of receiving it,

i wrote a self insert character who gets into a relationship with a character who loves so entirely with such devotion and yet find myself unable to write a story where that character does love my s/i enough, the way he has loved other characters in the past. what the hell is that about?

#vidhik.txt #2/3 iantara stpries have this conflict holding him back #the third one that i have not been able to finish doesn't really have conflict like that because it is just pure cuteness #and exactly i am unable to write it because how #am i analysing this too much maybe but i am also coming to this #after looking at my dating history the past year or so #i really liked a girl and asked her out got rejected but atayed very good friends and i love our friendship #but anyone who actually shows interest in me i start isolating and distancing myself from before they can reject me #and some of them made an effort but i almost keep looking for an excuse #because i dont know what happens when they see me naked what if they find my body hideous most days i have trouble with that myself #what if emotionally i am just not good enough to be loved well because i know i am a dysregulated mess and i try to work on it #but when i lose at it it is so so bad #i am aware i am not an easy person to love so i keep myself comfimed to people i almost know just will not try to learn me enough #thus not learning the veru bad parts and not leaving #i am so svared of rejection that i keep not letting people love me despite how much i want it #needed to vent because this has kept me up a bit too long

[florenceisfalling]

don't worry guys if you're ever in a bad place emotionally and seeking guidance some woman with an entirely different outlook on life than you will thrust shitty advice upon you whether you like it or not and then make you feel completely fucking awful about her wealth of wisdom that she is so genuinely convinced she has despite not having any idea . this will make the bad place so much more bad also

#this is the last thing i am posting related to the events of my day i dont think i will ever get over just how insane it was but i hope #things will improve bc the lady is someone who i am very close with #i just always sorta balanced her out with my mother and that is not currently possible #i dont want to be angry at her anymore but it was so genuinely bad. like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck #yknow a lot of bad things have happened where im able to put myself in the other persons shoes and go ''yeah sure'' like #theres a reason i forgave most the ppl who made my life hell ages 6-14 #but this was so unreasonable. i literally cannot even fathom why she would do that outside of ''she wasnt thinking she was just doing'' #because people arent reasonable and thats usually the explanation why stuff happens that you can't understand #i would not let anyone else speak to me like that and i honestly should not have let her speak to me like that but we live on #its not the healthy or godly thing to keep this on my chest nor put it out for others to see but it literally shook me so bad #on the bright side #usually i shake when im angry like literally physically shake #and i didnt this time! cried though! not when she was in the room idk what my body was doing #i like definitely was not the guy in control of my body for a while there #i still dont think i am i keep doing little things and going hmmm i dont think im florence rn #but it was . something.

[h3rmitsunited]

I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.

But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back

And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.

And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit

#peeerrhaps i should start looking at therapists again to work on some isssssuuuueeesss.... #the last one was not that helpful but she was the first person i looked at and tried and she did well enough #just didnt really get deep into anything under the surface #i literally cant take compliments. like idk if its like a youre supposed to be humble so dont let it go to your head thats turned into #dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand #or maybe its just a i kinda hate myself and dont feel like i deserve good things or anything ever #i think some of it is im ashamed about my stupid inability to get to work on time. like if i force it and work myself up #maybe i can be on time like a few days in a row #but the momentum drops so fucking fast and then im back to well im here before we open even if i was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago #but also like i get there before stuff is going on and like its not that late and i havent mentioned the issue because #i feel like if i did theyd say oh well then just get here at the later time youve been arriving close to its fine #but then stupid brain will go okay so this is the new time which means that im going to shift to arriving even later #so i just have to keep relying on the shame and guilt and panic to get me there in the mornings #which is not fun #i just hope the review goes well other than my bad time management #i feel like it will... hopefully. theyve talked about possibly 'promoting me' which would be me doing the same stuff ive been doing #basically but then id just have the title (and pay 🤞) to go along with that #i dont want to get my hopes up but we'll see what happens #im going to like try super hard to get to work on time until the review though and like after but still #come on clarissa do a good job

[intergalacticaquarium]

Just outlined the next chapter and got some of it written and have I mentioned before that my core competency as a writer is writing angsty arguments that drive forward character devopment bc it is and I have

#and it is. good. #99% of the time i do it bc im actually arguing in spirit w fanon #bc it kinda annoys me when i see a fic w the cheerleader main and eddie is like babe u dont have to tell anybody bc i know u worked so hard #2 be popular ur too good for ke and then like ghosts her its infuriating #eddies childish but i dont think he would just completely ignore somebody or assume that they had a huge fight #based on something insignificant and i dont really think hed have the patience for somebody like that either. nor should anyone #also wow lost my original point about the cheerleader i do not buy that hed be cool w keeping ur legit official relationship a secret bc he #doesnt want to put your fucking popularity at risk #he might keep it a secret to stop u from being bullied but not bc youd stop being popular he would have 0 respect for that #also when hes like ur the only person that doesnt think im a freak #WRONG #do u not remember jonathans talk with will in season 2 where he says so what ur a freak im a freak id rather be friends with a freak than #a normie #eddie only says freak in a bad way when he says hunt the freak right bc now its bad and they turned on him for being a freak #not that hes a freak because everybody hates him #ppl dont stand on tables and say pretentious shit like that if they dont absolutely relish #in people insulting them by saying something true about them and then feeling cocky about it #old subcultures used to just be about lettin ur freak flag fly bc you didnt want to fit in i do not accept an eddie that is not #absolutely deliberately where he is on the social ladder he knows what hes doing hes enjoying every second of it #until everybody gets fed up and tries to fucking kill him for it #wow ok that was a rant #when ppl say that ppl write fanfiction bc something in canon is lacking theyre wrong its bc fanon interpretations are lacking #boy got woobified within 24 hours of s4 dropping i just need to be on the defense #and be out here screaming that hes a wild little freak boy that is probably very unsettling at times and needs to be transported #in a cat carrier #and hes doing it on purpose #all of this is said with all the love in my heart btw

[readymades2002]

i wish i had a way to talk through things with another person but the only people i see in real life i live with and every time i have actually opened up about how i’m feeling it has gone incredibly badly, in part because i’ve isolated myself so far from human beings that i don’t think i’m able to feel or express things in a human way. so i’ve stopped trying to do it.

#i've discussed my art with my mom more recently but in the vaguest terms because i'm always ashamed of how shit it is #and that it is of course usually some embarrassing media thing and she tries to show interest but i can't be honest about it #when i get passionate about things...when i've done it before i look up at the other person while im talking #and i can see them slipping out of my reach and its like being untethered in space so i dont anymore #that or i actually communicate my needs or what is hurting me honestly and then have it used against me or someone else #i talk to people but it is all this like. meaningless chatter that makes me grit my teeth how much its just a courtesy #i cannot relate to human beings with jobs and lives and experiences and friends and skills and so i'm alone here #and i end up crying on here every few hours because disconnecting would be a death sentence but keeping it all inside of me #would fucking kill me and it just. im not reliable enough or warm enough or brave enough to even message people one on one #in a way that means im a meaningful part of anyone's life so its just. yelling in the post editor i go and pretend it helps #i dont want to word it but it is really really deeply terrifying to me how bad its gotten. i really can't imagine a way out of this #i don't think anyone i live with does it maliciously but it feels like i'm being handled like an irritating animal all the time #not like a person. not like an adult. #i dont know. i feel like i have interesting insights into the world and the things i like. i feel like theres so much beauty #i want to show other people to try and express my love because i can't do it in words or gestures #and i feel like it could be so beautiful if i was just understood. if i could just be #i have to stop talking about this now im sorry

[astrxealis]

its weird how i feel bcs i dont actually really /hate/ genshin now but. the stuff that surrounds it pisses me off, i def don't /love/ it anymore, and ?? but ?? idk man

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #skdhwkjd ask to tag! idk if anyone doesnt want to see posts like this & what tag works D': #its weird bcs i like the characters still! i just say & think that i dont like them anymore but tbh i still do #but theres sm surrounding the game i dont like ... in & out of the game. idk even how to explain #and i dont really need to ik but i want to qwq hmm... #i dislike g/enshin. but. i don't hate it (kind of do but i think its more on the Frustrated than Hate side?) #hmmmm hmmmmm i want to understand how i feel but its difficult. thats how it really is fr tho! #it's confusinf bcs it gives me a bad taste in my mouth (not like. literally. but yeah) but. hey i still like it! but also no. #and its really complex bcs . there are really a lot of stuff that surround how i feel abt it negatively and positively #trying to just not be bothered w all of it but w the kind of person i am (someone who feels a lot) its pretty hard #itll get better as i grow older and my brain matures more so the best i can do now is just try to keep it in moderation :O #confusion!! but i'm doing well rn so i'll focus on stuff better to put my attention on rn >_<

[frostbite-the-bat]

imagine wanting to talk somewhere but somehow believing theres people who may stalk you and want to expose you like AH HA you said you wouldnt talk or something and yet you are, you horrible person. we know what youre doing always. you liar.

#i need therapy ! #i never go out of my way to always see what someone is doing #and yet im scared my friends or strangers are here looking at my every move ready to judge me for it. #like nobody is gonna do that unless theyre some asshole. i dont think ive made any enemies like that for it #and yet i keep thinking this! i keep thinking if i post something someone is gonna point it out later and call me out and call me a liar #and expose me for being a bad person/friend even if? i havent done anything? #just because my brain is convinced im a bad person? #gah #i apologize i. dont have anywhere else to talk to. #i both dont want this to be seen but i also do in the hopes i may get help. not like anyone can help with this anyway. #welp! #vent #delete later #nmgmhhg #ive gotten better then suddenly boom bam.. bad again #its like a slippery slope #you climb back up #you can see the light #but then you trip #and instead of falling one step back down you slide further in #deeper and deeper #sometimes youll catch on and keep going #but sometimes itll take you to the bottom again #not at the bottom at the moment but man i sure am deep in this shit again... #this user has issues!!!!!!

[dragon-tamer-1]

To that anon that asked me about why I still follow a certain person, I hope you can understand that I do not want hate for this. I am very much unaffected by the choice of belief someone else has. And while I know that others don't like or care for that person, I still do enjoy the art and writing by that person. Their choice of belief doesn't really matter to me, especially since that person hasn't ever done anything to anyone that was harmful, that I know of. Everyone is free to dislike someone, but I don't feel it necessary to hate anyone, especially over beliefs.

Please understand that I am not attacking anyone, nor do I advocate for hate of anyone really.

#discourse tw #felt that if i didn't say anything i would be given assumptions that wouldn't make sense #as far as i know that person has not been part of any kind of harassment against anyone #and that's why I don't think that person is as bad as people are making them out to be #freedom of religion and all that #free to believe what you want #so long as you aren't doing stuff that actively harms someone else #which. again. is something that they haven't done #that person has not hurt someone that i know of #even so #i think it should be alright if someone still enjoys some things #it takes way more energy to keep hating someone/something than to be either neutral or passively enjoying things #wanna say it again #anyone can dislike someone. you're free to do so #i don't believe someone should be harassed or hated just because they believe in something you don't or likes someone's stuff that you no - #longer like #it just comes across as a bit controlling #i don't think it should matter too much tho #especially since everyone has the ability to block the tags i said you can block so you dont see it #and again #you're allowed to not like someone based on their beliefs or whatever else that makes you dislike them #i don't think people should be telling others who/what they can/can't like if that person/thing isn't hurting anyone #yes i know there were people with those beliefs that did things in possibly the wrong way #but i don't think everyone who has that belief should be grouped with the ones who did it wrong #*by possibly i mean might have done it the wrong way by attacking others for not believing what they do* #and that is absolutely the wrong way #but they haven't done that(again. to my knowledge) #so i don't think that's worth hating #for me anyway #i did delete the reblog from that person tho

[hairydykecunt]

once my friend said that sometimes it seems like i don’t want a girlfriend and just want to be some girls pet and like. yeah okay sure, but is that really all people see in me. is that what they think i’m only capable of? i want to give so much, i want to fill them with so much love and make them feel safe and loved and adored. i Do want to do more than just be a pet, i want to be a Provider, i want to take care.

#kitty talks #maybe that is animal behaviour. maybe i jsut wanna be a guard dog. idk. i just feel weird #it sucks but i cant see myself in a relationship and idk if its cause im insecure but the thought of someone chosing me and staying is. fake #and i think everyone can tell too. i think thats it. thats the thing that makes ppl stay back #sometimes i think ny autistic brain and its facination with shows fucked me over bc i love the idea of grand gestures. #i want a grand gesture that wipes away every little doubt ive ever had snd that makes me think Fuck why was i so riddled in worry #anything in oublic would embarrass me. id be shy. but id still gush. idk. i want personal thiught out expressions of love #man im high and just cant stop thinking. im just so lost. i dont even know how to feel. it feels weird reverting back to highschool + #mentality but Nothibg is ever rnkugh and will never be enkigh and ill always keep asking for more snd more no matter what till i break them #gonna attempt to put an experienced adult point of view on it tho and say that i think nothing will evrr be enoigh for anyone #but that whatever is there is good and it will stay good snd if it gors something else will be good. the world is so fucking shitty to us #but i will still love despite it. people will still love me #i will get a girlfriend some day. or not. and itll fill me up. or be bad for me. i just need to take csre of myself snd my loved ones #and i can live on that. i guess. idk. bye

[therewithinthestars]

.

#just a rant posr nothing to see here :) #tw for self destructive behaviours for anyone who might read #but god not to romanticize unhealthy coping mechanisms but i hateee i hate i hate how good they feel #how much i miss them every fking winter or something and how hard it is to cope and not to give in #i wasn't even doitthat bad mentally i dont feel like i am?? and yet it always comes back and i want to do all the things i promised myself #not to do and there's noone but me really keeping me in check and im really really not a responsible person i give into my whims and wants #very easily and escapism feels so good but it's not enough and i want more and i know it's really really really not good for me in the long #run yet i still have these fcking.... i don't even know. why am i like this?????? it's tiring fighting of self destructiveness when you want #nothing else more ><<<<< fuckin stupid ass situation

[rockandrolldisgrace]

yeah but i really got fucked over by the people i told this abt loll

#some of yall might remember my vent posts and stuff and yeah this situation didnt end well for me #i could talk abt this for hours honestly this is so messed up #yknow ive been thinking how i never really tell my friends what i go through at home anymore bc i began to doubt myself #even tho i KNOW it all happened. They did abuse me. Still do. But some part of me thinks #that i just made this up or that it wasnt actually that bad. even though it was. it was so much fucking worse. and having to go through it #again and again and again. i have no words. sometimes my mind just goes blank bc i dont want to think abt this stuff. i just want it to be #over. #some part of me thinks that if i tell somebody im ruining my abusers lives. even though theyre the one ruining mine. nothing can harm them. #especially my words. they will never face consequences bc the system doesnt work. and i dont want to ruin their life. #i just want it to be over. #i just want to go on and live my life and leave this all behind and start anew. #im an awful person. i have younger siblings and this was the only reason i decided to go through with telling someone at school abt this. bc #i didnt want them to suffer like me. i knew what their mindless actions did to me. and to see my siblings go through that. #but my sister absolutely hates me for telling the school #she says shes ashamed to go there bc people know #she thinks i made it up for attention even though she literallywas there when they beat me. she was fucking there lmfao #im sorry if this is too much but i need to get this somewhere out. writing it down is not enough and i cant tell this at anyone #kill me💗 the only thing keeping me alive is dreaming. very corny i know. but fantasizing abt my far away future is the only thing making me #go on. thinking abt my life after this ends. but sometimes its not enough and i just spend all my time watching stuff or reading or whatever #just watching stuff abt lives totally different from my own. that helps me focus on something else for a while. sighhhhhh