#i dont wanna burden anyone

[etherealstardustt]

I'm finding it so hard to be grateful rn. Like not for my life and privileges or smth, but for the people :") Like at the end, everyone cares for themselves. You matter as long as they are going through a hard time or you have good times.

#i feel so terrible #and idk where else to vent #i dont wanna burden anyone #but ugh i cant help but feel that im surrounded by such ignorant self centered people AHSHSHJSK #is wanting some genuine people as a support system too fucking much to ask? 🥲 #its not #its so fucking not.

[floydsteeth]

I made myself enough food for two because I haven't eaten all day and after I finished cooking I had like a massive meltdown and now the sight of food is making me nauseous

#Yay:) #I'm sorry for complaining so much today #I dont wanna like burden any of you with my problems #I just don't have anyone to vent to at all #And everything's a mess in my head

[bunnihearted]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[madame-mongoose]

lately the only four emotions i have are extremely happy, extremely sad, paranoid, and empty. its so exhausting it sucks

#and im trying not to burden anyone with my issues #its just so much to deal with every day #like rn i just feel so hollow #i really wanna talk to my friends to maybe hopefully elevate my mood #but i dont wanna bother anyone #plus anyway only one ever seems to want to talk to me #ugh idk #its so hard to determine whats real and what my head is making up to mess with me #i cant tell anymore. im so tired #im so so tired #sighs #monnie rambles

[dekarios]

shit like this is what u need a therapist for

#fray.txt #wanna talk about my feelings but ive talked about them so much i genuinely feel like 'too much' for my friends #and i dont wanna burden anyone i havent already cuz why do i wanna spread this shit around #but man im just. stewing in pain yknow. fuck #i feel so alone

[saddlepunk]

can literally only swing an apartment w another person and my bf is on the brink of backing out so i have to figure out what the hell is goin on there but god... god!!! i just want to escape!!! i was so goddamn close and now im being knocked all the way back!!! i dont even know where to /start/ looking for a new place to live or people to live with i just. what the fuck is wrong with me and why does this keep happening.

#its gotta be a me thing #which is why im probably gonna just sign up for one of those random roomie sites and inflict myself on a stranger #bc if i move in w anyone i know and it turns out im the thing that keeps ruining everyones lives #i dont wanna fuck up the few scraps of good ive got going for me #these past few months have just been a lot of me realizing how fucked ive been and how deep i keep digging #and i do not know how to get out of it anymore i dont fucking know anybody my viable support system is zero #too much of a coward to kill myself too terrified of the unknown to run away too convinced of my own stupid burden curse to accept help #what the fuck do i do here just #sit and shiver until my heart gives out i guess #maybe this will be it. maybe if move in day comes and passes and im still at home ill just kill myself #it might be easier then like. its obvious im not getting out any other way #so that might as well be it

[beomnoullitheorem]

Just wanna ramble but don't have any guts. That hurts a lot more than anything actually :)

#noulli's mushrooms #plus Im a little sad cause my mom told me so many bitter truths about me and my body #its truth so I need to accept it but it just hurts that she didnt feel like telling it before but breaks it to me in an argument #that shit hurts more than knwing it right away #apparently im too ugly for short hair so I aint going anywhere #and apparently if I dont study #im not going to get any pizza or garlic bread which makes me happy #that ks also because im so chubby and in indian beauty standards a skinny girl is prettiest #but shes been telling me to get skinny for years and I didnt do it but idk anynore #im too ugly and im a disappointment #she was so rude and bitter #i dobt know we argue everytime but today was just different #she was cold bitter and rude #so hurting and so rude... #idk i dont even feel like crying because i just dobt wanna show anyone my tears #and she doesnt even let me do a part time cause she wants me to stidy full time #and then make me feel like im a burden #ugh... im sorry if anyone reads this #actually im a student and Im always studying so I dont have a job and little things make me hapoy thats why i sound weird #please dont mind me #i just wanna rant

[trainingdummyrabbit]

yeah im just straight up having an awful time rn

#piktalk #time for a fun gam e of 'is my paranoia starting to actually affect me physically or am i like actually dying this time?' #like yea by all means this is kinda cause for alarm but what r we gonna do about it. #cant tell anyone i Want to because busy-bother-burden-harm and i cant tell anyone i Should bc well um #how do u explain 'yeah ive been having pretty much daily episodes for th past like 6 months and its really bad. yea u never noticed.' #what r we gonna do. go to the doctor n reveal its just psychosomatic and put us in debt. and now i have to explain The Horrors. #or like. it actually Is something and then we go into debt anyway having to treat it. i dont wanna have to pay to live man. i hate it here.

[emotionally-enervated-conagher]

Sometime in the late hours of the night, where the stars danced above the vastness of the New Mexico desert, Dell had left.

(cw: sleeping pills, depressing thoughts of death)

Most of his belongings still resided at the base, a sign that he would return eventually, but he couldn’t bring himself to stay at the base, his state of mentality eating him alive.

He needed to clear his thoughts.

So he headed to the nearest town around, a town that was once well acquainted with the mercenaries back in the Gravel Wars.

Dell slowly drove by the town’s bar, light shining from within the building as the saloon dwindled with its late night patrons. The old mercenary couldn’t help a small smile that formed on his lips as he remembered the countless times the boys had gotten kicked out for causing a ruckus each time they went.

His smile soon faded as he drove on, heart aching as he gripped the steering wheel. Those days were gone.

Dell pulled up to the town’s cheap motel, parking his truck near the front, it being one of the few cars in the parking lot. With rarely any tourism to bring people to this town, Dell considered it a miracle the motel was still open for business.

Soon enough, Dell let out a weary sigh as he opened the door to his assigned motel room on the second floor, grimacing as the stale smell of the room hit him, but he went in regardless, locking the door behind him. He tossed the dufflebag he had brought with him onto the bed and collapsed next to it, the old springs of the mattress creaking at the weight.

He shucked off his boots and tossed then haphazardly on the floor, not caring where they went as he buried his face into the blankets. The bed was dingy and the covers were scratchy, but it was still better than the recliner.

Like clockwork, Dell felt his heart rate quicken as his thoughts began gnawing at him, right on queue. The man squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shut them out, but it was as useless as covering a water leak in a rowboat with his bare hands.

The most recent events hit him first; Sylvester and that damn robotic bird. He meant no true intent to harm in what he said to the bird, just to get it to shut up, but Dell couldn’t shake the look Sylv had given him, how he had reacted.

He scared Sylvester. Sylvester was scared of him.

Tears sprung to Dell’s eyes, the guilt nearly suffocating him, feeling panic claw at his lungs as his breathing contracted.

He couldn’t have another attack now, he couldn’t-

The man sprung up and snatched his dufflebag, ripping it open and rummaging through it in a desperate manner.

It was in here somewhere, he knew he packed it-

His hand felt the familiar plastic of a bottle and pulled it out, the pills inside jostling noisily as Dell popped open the lid, shoving a tablet into his mouth. He slammed the pill bottle onto the nightstand and snagged a pillow, burrowing his head into it, desperately trying to escape his thoughts as he waited for the Triazolam to take effect.

DDON'T SSAY THHINGS LLIKE THHAT

Ah didn’t mean it-

IIF II MMAKE AANOTHER MMISTAKE, YYOU WWON'T TTAKE MME AAPART, WWILL YYOU?

No, ah would never Sylv, ah wouldn’t-

You’ve done nothing but hurt everyone since you came back. You shouldn’t have come back.

Ah jus’ wanted to set things right, ah jus’ wanted to see them again-

That Respawn would have failed if Ludwig hadn’t stepped in. Don’t you see? You aren’t meant to come back. You aren’t meant to be here.

The black tendrils of sleep started to pull Dell under as the medication took effect, but his mind made sure to punish him until the end.

It should have been you that the Respawn machine failed with instead of Jane all those years ago, Dell.

…Ah know.

#heed the cw warning! #but uh yeah :’] #im so sorry JDJFJJAA #dell will be back eventually #he just has very big demons fo fight #prob can’t do it alone but cant bring himself to talk about it with anyone else bc he doesnt want to be a burden #also feelin guilty as fuck #thinks he is causing all this bad stuff due to his return #domino effect or somethin #but yeah :’3 #im so sorry dell but you must get worse before getting better #sorry i dont make the rules hehe #for right now I’d say Dell is not available to stuff happening on the base but #im totally fine if someone wants to track him down ^^ #kinda have a plan of what i wanna do but its bare bones rn #emotionally xyz mercs #emotionally enervated conagher #coffeetalks

[dollarstorecrush]

Screaming from the top of my lungs why is therapy so EXPENSIVE!!!

#like??? i feel like im going to go insane if i cant talk to someone about this Thing i am dealing with #the only person i feel comfortable talking about it with is my boyfriend but like i also dont want to upset him bc its Some Major Shit #i started talking about it with a therapist but it quickly became too expensive and that was before Big Memory Breakthrough so like #im extra fucking suffering now #i dont wanna burden my friends #i dont even feel like im that close with anyone anyways #the last time i trusted someone like that #i found out they were trying to convince my boyfriend to leave me and move in with them and be their fuck buddy #so like #fuck me ig #possum-thoughts

[constellaris-a]

lmao how do people even sit down and like plot lots of stuff for their ships like I'm jealous tbh because my brain never wants to come up with anything,,,,

#⋞ australian ramblings ⊳ ritsu speaks ⋟ #i wanna be able to start more conversations in general with people but hi my brain tells me that's annoying and i shouldn't do it #bc what if that person is busy talking to literally anyone else or they just dont wanna deal with me and i annoy them by popping up #hhhhhhhhh i love this part of my brain 💔 #where i feel like an annoying burden no matter what

[bunnihearted]

.

#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner #so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively #nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way #but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop #i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together #nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done #then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth #when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?' #'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting' #i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room #but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive #so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner #she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to #but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything #she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of #idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone #and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao #i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden #nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd #like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library #i wnna show my mom what books i got #it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality #why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks #anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to

[the-kipsabian]

.

#not to be a sad bitch on main again after a few good days but i genuinely dont know why i exist #i have nothing to offer. nothing to bring to any table #im just a waste of space that others need to care for and look after and stress about all the time #i dont know why im still here like. its genuinely a mystery to me #im just gonna go to bed. not gonna be here tomorrow i have to be at places. and then idk #not that anyone would notice but. yeah. idk why i bother. with or without writing this it wouldnt make a difference #good night. its not really a good one but.. yeah #night is an absolute mess on main #i just. every time i think of something or someone tells me a reason i should be alive it feels like a lie to me #everything is such a fucking burden. everything requires energy i dont have. im counting so much on other ppl for help and to keep me going #its just hurting them. hurting everyone else. and its hurting me by making them hurt #i dont wanna do this anymore

[olli-online]

#sorryim just venting a lot today but yeah its rough i jus wanna get thoughts out so i dont explode #feeling like everyone hates me is so frustrating because despite how much there is that would prove the opposite itrrally does just sit in #the back of mind screaming st me whenever i speak its so exhausting ugh #ijust wanna be able to exist without feeling like im suffocating people with my presence #its like everytime i speak i feel teh need to apologise and take everything abck as to not burden them with the task of interacting with me #do not speak unkess spoken to goes so crazy 😁 #ihave thoughts i want to share becsuse im excited abt them but fhen its like is jt even interesting would anyone even want to listen would #they get annoyed and let out a sigh because god he's going on again #can u tell igot bullied by my best friends growing up 🧍 #i wanna sleep my throat hurts from tryinh not to cry

[atsu-i]

.

#when will this negative thoughts stop? lol #it just keeps on coming and am like here sitting in my bed #trying to act like am fine but am so so close to breaking down lmao #seriously I have many days like this now and I cant seem to stop it #i just want to not be able to think these things and feel shitty too :( #i want it all to go away #i just want it to stop #coz if I do broke down out of nowhere Idk what to do #and I dont want to bother anyone too #i dont want to be burden #i dont want to be a pain in the butt for anyone #i just wanna be okay lol #but its not happening coz of me too lmao #fuck #personal

[dream-launch]

How come when people talk about like tryna support people who are in a very rough place mentally they always give the usual you're not alone I'm there for you but never actually make any effort to be there - no reaching out, no desire to even wanna talk - like it's just bullshitting cause they know it would sound too obviously mean to be like oh your not okay? Well too bad don't bother me with that shit I don't care enough about you.

#like i know there are people ive spoke to who put on the fake like youre not alone i care im here dont be sad #but if i reached out this minute being like hey i am very much not okay #they be liek ha yeah we all got problems pls dont complain to me cause then ill feel bad too and thats not fair on me boohoo #and like yeah im not tryna be a burden #but dont fucking lie to me and say your gonna be there when your not #if i am falling apart and wanna vent dont claim your okay with that and then get annoyed when i do #its like they never give a fuck #we only ever talk when they wanna and they never guve a fuck about anything i have to say anyway #its just straight onto whats going on in their lives #which especially sucks cause like their is literally never anything good going on in my life #like the only remotely positive things i have to talk about is the media i consume which they especially dont care about #like nothing actually good ever happens in my life #i have bad shit happening or nothing #and the nothing is usually just cause i havent spoke to anyone in person in over a week and im super lonely #this does not apply to people i speak to online cause i know yall cant help living in different countries #it would just be nice to have something in my life who genuinely cared about me and wanted to listen to me #and i dont think thats selfish to want cause i know if there was someone who cared that much about me id be obsessed with them #so it would be mutual