#i dont think ive felt anything but fleeting (minutes) joy since it was over i didnt have that crutch anymore

[craycraybluejay]

i miss them.. they made me feel so excited and hurt and scared and things.. i fucking hate them its been years and i miss this stupid motherfucker suddenly again

#all the degrading and control god take me back #the cruel indifference #do all dreams have to end? #i dont know if ill ever feel so indulged again #so allowed to be feral. animal. nothing but instinct and sensation #it was complete chaos and it was 'morally corrupt' but by god it kept me so happy and satisfied #i dont think ive felt anything but fleeting (minutes) joy since it was over i didnt have that crutch anymore #i was right. it left me untethered. #untethered much like a balloon i will float float float away #and im still angry still impulsive and pain seeking and hungry #whenever i felt i was going to explode out of my skin i had an outlet #without one i get physically sick with it with all the energy and feeling and impulse #its like my whole body is wrapped in live wire #worse was that i trusted them and it wasnt just a clean cut and dry its over #it was ugly and fucking awful and completely caught me off guard #i still have the memories saved i could go and look #i shouldnt. not tonight. not this impulse #i will become so much angrier it isnt worth the pleasure