#i don't know i say i ''was'' traumatized when I was actually diagnosed w/ CPTSD as an adult

[sage-nebula]

your tags..ur right about nine not owning it to anyone and man,, thats what hurts the most to me... its just ouch... i love how his trauma is writen

It's really validating, tbh.

I won't go into details, but I was abused as a child / teen. And while in that environment I did what I could to minimize harm (unless I was purposefully redirecting it onto myself so that it wouldn't get turned on my dog), when I was outside that environment (e.g. the rare times I was in school) or when I left, my default reaction to any perceived threat was Fight. Someone told me to move on the bus because they wanted my seat? I gave them a library of curse words and threats and made it clear I was ready to follow through. Some guy kept annoying me even after I told him repeatedly that I was going to hurt him if he didn't stop? I grabbed him by the hair, slammed his head into a locker, and held him there until he started crying and I had blood under my nails. To be clear, this was not good. I was severely traumatized and was not put into therapy like I should have been, and as such had zero emotional regulation skills. I was 5'0", 70lbs of pure rage the second I saw anything as a potential threat / bully / harm. And when I did get in fights, I ended them as fast as possible.

So to have Nine's default be Fight? To have him be bullied and abused and decide, okay, he's going to build weapons to defend himself with, and he will use them, and he will prioritize his safety above all else no matter whose throat he needs to rip out to do it? Yeah, that's validating! Again, it's not good; he's severely traumatized and leaning hard into unhealthy coping mechanisms (familiar unhealthy coping mechanisms) as a result. But it's nice to, for once, see a trauma survivor who isn't an uwu timid flower. Because while some trauma survivors do fall into Flight or Fawn as their default, some also fall into Fight. And for any kids out there who are unfortunately in a situation like this, who decide that their default when they get bullied or harassed or abused is to start swinging fists (or office supplies because they're in the school library), I think it would be pretty validating for them, too. Although, again, hopefully they eventually get out of that situation and get some help, because none of this is healthy no matter how validating it is.

(And on the note of not owing anyone—yeah, see, because that's the thing. Obviously the one most at fault for the abuse is the abuser. But those who saw the signs and still did nothing are culpable, too. My neighbors who heard the screaming and did nothing, my teachers who saw me show up to school with no lunch and no lunch money and in clothes that reeked of cigarette smoke because my biomom smoked in the car with the windows rolled up and me inside, and this was on the rare occasion I was even sent to school to begin with and they still did nothing—yeah, they're culpable. They could've intervened, and they chose not to. I'm an adult now so I'm pretty much over it, but I understand Nine's anger toward a city that never helped him. They ignored his suffering, so why shouldn't he ignore theirs? It's not a heroic attitude to have, but when you've been through something like he has, being a hero is the last thing on your mind. And he's not wrong for that.)

#studioboner #sorry if this was TMI #but Nine made me feel Seen #sonic prime spoilers #miles nine prower #i don't know i say i ''was'' traumatized when I was actually diagnosed w/ CPTSD as an adult #when i finally was able to see a therapist #but like. i've been thru therapy and have learned some coping strategies #and am not NEARLY as violent as i once was #(tho if i got in a fight i would still strive to end it as fast as possible) #so like. maybe that's why. i don't know i'm just rambling now

[illnessfaker]

do you have any resources on OSDD? like more in depth than just the diagnostic criteria, i'm very familiar with those, i guess more...people talking abt what it feels like? I have cptsd and I've been noticing things very similar to what you described in your post for a long time now. I thought I had DID for sure a while ago, but I was also actively manic/psychotic, so when that calmed down I assumed I had just been delusional. But the identity disturbances and dissociation persist. I don't think it's DID now it's osdd if it's anything but I'm wary of saying that for sure and rly would like some i guess more descriptive accounts of how symptoms are for someone with it. Sorry if this is a lot/you don't have anything of that nature, I'm glad to hear you're figuring out your own multiplicity and hope the understanding helps you in your healing process!

firstly, thank you for your kind words 😊

@/this-is-not-dissociative has a lot of info about did/osdd-1 (and other dissociative stuff) as well as having did/osdd-1 vs. dissociation in bpd/cptsd - though it's possible to have did/osdd-1 and bpd/cptsd of course - and did-research.org talks about osdd-1 a little bit (especially vs. having full-blown did). these are probably the best resources i can point you towards even though they don't contain many personal accounts. the first blog is staunchly against self-dx iirc and there's a lot of "you should speak to a professional about this" but u know how it is (at the very least they provide a lot of info and resources on how to go about doing that, it seems.)

some posts in particular that may be informative/helpful to you (there are probably many reasons to dislike this blog but it's what i've found most informative so yeah):

anp and ep, + an explanation of structural dissociation and how it models ptsd, cptsd, bpd, osdd-1, and did.

anp and avoiding trauma

an example of did vs. osdd-1

parts in bpd/cptsd vs. osdd-1

parts in cptsd vs. osdd-1 (this mod "kevin" has osdd-1, by the way)

parts vs. fragments vs. alters

alters not being easy to recognize

identity confusion vs. identity alteration

( read-more bc this got long despite it being past my bedtime lmao )

the problem w personal accounts of stuff and did/osdd-1 is presentations of these diagnoes will differ from person to person, sometimes greatly. contrary to media depiction they're also covert disorders by nature - they're psychological coping mechanisms for intense distress, and part of those coping mechanisms is being ignorant to the fact that your sense of self is fragmented / there are parts of your sense of self that are attached to trauma. i know of several folks who were initially diagnosed with osdd-1 but then later re-diagnosed as having did because the severity of their situation was very effectively hidden from them by this dissociation.

( another problem is that ppl are flawed and can give bad/wrong info on how stuff works or trends can give the wrong impression and unfortunately that's very common w did/osdd-1 spaces online. e.g. u don't have to know the name, age, etc. or know who's "fronting" or whatever with elaborate tagging systems and pages on ur blog with said info abt ur parts or "alters" to have did/osdd-1. worrying abt that stuff too much can worsen dissociation. )

it's not common for someone to have did/osdd-1 and for it to be obvious to themselves or others (who don't know what to look for, that is). this is why no small number of folks with did/osdd-1 are seemingly well-functioning on the outside since different dissociated parts often serve "everyday life" purposes such as going to work/school and these parts are the ones disconnected from traumatic "materials" as they're called. part of the reason why i'm wanting to conceptualize my experiences as osdd-1 is due to the fact that my default state (the "host"?) is emotionally dissociated from my trauma - i know it happened, but it seemed like it happened to "this body" rather than "me" and i don't feel anything about it until i get triggered. "apparently normal parts" that handle everyday life are usually trauma-avoidant or separated from the trauma like this in some way.

that being said, i'm still not totally sure if i qualify for an osdd-1 diagnosis or not tbqh. my situation is most like the "some individuals with OSDD-1 lack both amnesia and highly distinct parts" mentioned in the page i above linked (but yesterday and this morning/afternoon i was convinced i did - go figure). i'd been researching did/osdd-1 for a while (not necessarily because i thought it was what i was experiencing) which is part of what helped me come to terms with having experienced dissociation for a long time, and i thought up until like...the other day i definitely didn't have it. i came to believe i had some weird bpd/cptsd/szpd-like situation where emotional states had been "locked away" in boxes that i rarely touched as a defense mechanism against psychological distress. i also had a metaphor for my "emotional part(s)" as it/them being like, (a) ghost(s) that follow me around and aren't evil but occasionally "wrap their hands around my throat" to remind me that they're there.

then i saw someone w an osdd-1 diagnosis talk abt how they have parts whose "job" is to "feel sadness for them" as a defense mechanism against that kinda distress and then i was like...huh. and then i thought about how seeing my parents again felt kinda weird and distant. and that's kinda what tipped me off, despite having a pretty unstable sense of self and dissociation issues for a while. the "seeing my parents" thing is somewhat more major, because it felt different from my "default setting." thinking about it is uncomfortable and weird.

ur gonna have to do a lot of reading, tbh, and doing it in moderation is probably a good idea since thinking too much abt dissociation can trigger it. another thing is that conceptualizing yourself as having did/osdd-1 when you don't actually have that experience can worsen dissociation/identity issues as well so u gotta be careful abt how u approach it. but at the same time, cptsd and did/osdd-1 have mostly the same treatment methods anyway (and technically u gotta have cptsd to have did/osdd-1, not as like a diagnostic requirement really but a "you have to be traumatized from long-term traumatic experiences at a young age" sense) so many resources abt did/osdd-1 may be helpful to u regardless of whether you "have" them or not.

i can't tell u how to differentiate between symptoms of psychosis and did/osdd-1 (the blog i mentioned may have posts about that topic - there's two in their master-posts but neither were particularly helpful i don't think) since afaik i'm not psychotic but i wish you luck!

#no reblogs - #asks #Anonymous #resources