#i am. very emotionally drained today and i tbh expected writing this fic to not do me any favors | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gilbertandanne · 7 years

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So, I don’t expect anyone to comment or come back with their own $0.02 concerning this, but I have to get something off of my anxiety-ridden chest.

*begin rant*

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That was the year I started writing again. I saw a ship that gripped my heart so much that I dove into a fandom and read every single fic about the pair I could get my hands on. Then, I felt inspired to write something. Then something else. And then something else.

Then came “Serendipity”.

If you’ve interacted with me at all or have followed me for any length of time, you’ve probably seen me post about what eventually turned into that series. I started tapping into that AU world in 2015 when I thought of a simple premise: what if Lucas didn’t move to New York until his junior year of high school?

Steadily, it morphed into this fic that, quite honestly, became one of the few pieces I’ve written that I can say that, overall, I’m proud of. Obviously, I would go back and change some things about it if I could, but the general story of it all is something I am proud of.

Then came “Amaranthine”.

I always knew what I wanted the story to be, but after talking to some friends about it, I decided to split the story into two part because the title “Serendipity” didn’t fit it anymore plus an eighty chapter fic seems insanely large.

So, “Amaranthine” came about, and again, it’s a work that I am pretty proud of. I spent hours upon hours trying to convey a story about love and the complications that stem from characters who aren’t perfect and a world that, quite often, challenges young love.

When it was done, I walked away. I was, for the most part, happy about how it all went. I thought I remained true to the characterizations that MJ presented in canon on the show (something that I have ALWAYS made sure to put first in whatever universe I have put them in. I have scrapped entire plot lines to remain true to who these characters are). I moved on to other, shorter, less emotionally draining fics to give myself a bit of a break, because writing angst and some of the subject matters involved in those fics R E A L L Y took an emotional toll on me.

So, months later, my mind started to go back to that world and I started thinking about how these characters navigated through college and beyond. I didn’t want to write it at first. Writing shorter, less angsty fics, was--honestly--a lot more fun. But I started to get all of these signs (sometimes, quite literally) for the fic title I always said I’d use if I went back for a third part.

And then one day, the plot hit me.

Most of you, at least the few who are still reading this, know the rest of the story.

So, why am I going into this rant on my blog?

Because I don’t really care if you said it in the least abrasive way possible, but telling someone that their characterizations of B O T H of the main characters isn’t good is the quickest way for me to completely shut down creatively.

I’ve grown attached to this world. Two years of constantly working on these fics, spending hours upon hours agonizing over every single word, has made me VERY sensitive to the feedback I receive. I know that the good outweighs the bad (and that the good has been more than I ever thought I’d receive), but sometimes all it takes is one person to make you question why you even wrote the entire thing in the first place.

I’m sorry you feel the way you do about Riley and Lucas and the way I’ve chosen to present them. I’m sorry you perceive them to be people they aren’t. I’m sorry you’ve projected your personal situation onto them. I’m sorry you’re, quite often, “frustrated” by what I write. I’m sorry that you had to spend, what, a few hours reading all of this.

But guess what?

I’ve spent an INSANE amount of time developing everything you’ve read. It takes me a long time to edit a chapter down enough to where I feel like it’s ok enough for other people to read. I don’t even want to think about how much of my free time I’ve spent in this world. I write because I enjoy it. I enjoy getting lost in these little worlds. I have enjoyed sharing these worlds, but don’t...for one minute...think that you know these characters better than I do.

To correct one thing that was said: he’s not perfect. He’s grown, absolutely, but his past issues haven’t completely disappeared. I’ve spent 22 chapters building up a perfect storm within him.

And there’s a reason why she has made every single move she has. You want to blame her for everything that’s happened? Cool. But I’ll tell you right now that it’s a snap judgment. The tide is turning and it sucks that I failed as a writer for the sheer fact that you can’t see that. Then again, maybe because I have a “bird’s eye view” on the fic it’s not as easy for me to see the viewpoint of someone just casually reading it.

If you think for one second she wouldn’t sacrifice herself to save him, then I’m not even sure you watched the show tbh.

I love feedback. I really do. It’s nice and awesome and a wonderful perk to have as a writer, but as someone who has had more push back from this fic than anything I’ve ever written (and that’s stacking it against everything else I’ve written...COMBINED), it’s more than disheartening to receive feedback that kinda makes you wish you hadn’t ever written any part of the series, not just the most recent installment.

Honestly, I’m not proud of a lot of things I’ve written, but over the last handful of chapters, I was starting to find that mojo and I was really happy to share those chapters--especially the one I posted earlier today. I rewrote that chapter three times, spent hours editing it, and I was so excited to share it.

But then I read that feedback. And now, it’s seeped into my insecure, anxiety ridden brain and I can’t stop thinking about it. And I know I’m going to be thinking about it long after I finish the fic. That’s just who I am.

I’m sorry you think she’s selfish and he’s unrealistic. I really do. But it also sucks for you, because if you had an inkling as to what was coming, maybe you would’ve held off on telling the author all of this, and making her feel like shit for even posting the story in the first place.

*end rant*

#delete delete delete #i know it wasn't said with malice but what was the point in telling me that?#seriously #if you don't like it don't read it #katie's rambling again

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