#i am so dramatic i always end up writing whole fics eiddsdukfbsukd

[beanghostprincess]

Zoro trying to wingman sanuso into dating because their longing for each other is disruptive to his daily routine, only he is completely shit at it because his idea of romance is the unhinged bullshit he has with Luffy. Nami figures out what Zoro is trying to do after 2 months and manages to get Sanji and Usopp together under a week and then Zoro continues suffering because them dating is just as bad as Sanji sighing wistfully after Usopp every hour of the day and Usopp getting distracted by Sanji's legs during bathtime and slipping and almost cracking his head open. Now they just run around calling each other petnames and Sanji handfeeding Usopp food and sitting in his lap and it's making him cringe

This is perfect. Absolutely amazing. Anon, I'd love to kiss your brain.

Zoro is so done with them. He's always been really close to Usopp, so now that he has a crush on Sanji, he's the one dealing with it. It's fucking awful. Because Usopp keeps saying (lying) that he doesn't like Sanji. Then, Zoro goes to Sanji and asks if he likes Usopp and he lies too, because why the hell would he confess his feelings to fucking mosshead of all people? And Zoro has to deal with Usopp being head over heels for the cook every damn day (like, literally, looking for excuses to talk to Sanji. Spending the time in the kitchen with him. Always talking about him when Zoro is around. Flirting with him in the most obvious of ways. Fucking up in battle because he's focused on Sanji. Etc). But the pining isn't the only issue, because there's more. Sanji keeps flirting with women and Usopp is always devastated when that happens or unreasonably angry at everything, frustrated. And Zoro is the one who has to deal with it because for some fucking reason the sniper decided one day that they were best friends and Zoro accepted because he's stupid (and he's regretting all the decisions he made two years ago). Sanji is also fucking annoying because he keeps swooning over Usopp like a dog in heat and he's oh, so in love that it physically hurts to watch. Like, quite literally hurts because he keeps holding himself back from treating Usopp the way he treats his crushes and the frustration always goes to Zoro and they always end up fighting again and again and again. And don't get him wrong, Zoro likes to fight with Sanji. That's their whole thing. But he needs his own personal time too.

So Zoro's like "Fuck it. If these two are not gonna get together on their own, I'll do it myself". But, as you said, his whole concept of romance is really fucked up because his love for Luffy is completely different and the way he shows affection is way more complicated than what Sanuso does. Zoro has the brilliant idea to put both of them in danger so the other will save him, for some reason. It never ends up well and he's the one saving them in the end or he ends up fighting Sanji once again. It's getting even more annoying now. So you can erase "saving each other" from the list, because Zoro does not know how to make plans and it always ends up horribly wrong or with them saving themselves. Then he tries "possessiveness", but ends up erasing that too because unlike him (who's always all over Luffy) both Sanji and Usopp end up having depressive episodes every damn time Zoro says the other likes somebody else or puts that idea in their heads. Fucking idiots with low self-esteem. And so Zoro's like "maybe I can just go and put them in a dark room together" but Sanji apparently is fucking frightened of the dark and Usopp doesn't know how to get out so it's pretty much both of them having panic attacks until Zoro helps them out. And, idk, maybe he even tries to put messages in Usopp's food so he thinks Sanji's the one who wrote them! But he always ends up mistaking the dishes and he doesn't even know how to write stuff with food so it either ends up looking horrible or in the hands of somebody who isn't Usopp. Etc, etc, etc. He's so fucking done-

Nami notices because, unlike him, she isn't stupid. And she gets them together extremely quickly. And it's as easy as:

Nami: Hi, Sanji-san, are you busy tonight? Sanji: Of course not, my dearest! For you, I'm always free! Nami: Awesome! And you, Usopp? Usopp: Huh? Yeah. Well. I think so? Why? Nami: Great! Well, I am busy. And I had this reservation at this really expensive restaurant on this island? It would be such a waste of food, right Sanji-san? Sanji: Of course, my angel! I would never! Nami: Why don't you two go together? Usopp: Wait- What? Nami- Nami, hey- We talked about this don't- Sanji: You don't wanna go with me? :( <- Saddest wet cat face ever Usopp: Of course I do! Who said I didn't?! Nami: Perfect! It's a date, then! Usopp: A WHAT? Sanji: Nami-

And she just- She just fucking leaves without a word.

It turns out surprisingly well... For Sanji and Usopp, of course. Things just get worse for Zoro.

Because it's not only the fact that Nami won't stop reminding him that she was the one who got them together and he wasn't even able to do it. But on top of it all, Sanji and Usopp become the clingiest, sappiest, most annoying couple in the whole world.

He now has to deal with Sanji feeding Usopp and sitting really close at lunchtime. Usopp being extra dramatic and loud when telling stories to impress Sanji and dancing around with him. Sanji cooking all of Usopp's favorite meals at least once a week. Them always making out during bathtime and being extremely touchy. Usopp leaving notes around for Sanji that Zoro always finds first. Sanji fucking yelling all the time to call for Usopp. Them kissing mid-battle or being extremely distracted by each other. Even when they're sitting together as a group, they're sitting on top of each other.

It's disgusting. Not because Zoro hates love or he's cynical or whatever, because he's obsessed with romance. He just hates the fact that they're so loud about it because his perception of love is just so personal and intimate when it comes to Luffy and- And he likes Usopp. He really loves him a lot (platonically). And Zoro doesn't want him to get hurt. The thought is stupid because, despite their rivalry, he trusts Sanji with his life. But it's just weird.

Then I think one day Usopp is having a rough moment. Or perhaps he's the only one who hasn't woken up yet. The point is that he's on one of the bunk beds sleeping and Zoro thinks it's time to check on him. But then he goes into the room, silently enough for neither of them to notice, and stays for a moment on the door staring at the whole situation. Sanji's kneeling on the side of the bed, caressing Usopp's hair and kissing his face and just whispering things Zoro can't hear but knows he isn't meant to hear anyway. And so he walks away and thinks, well, maybe he's been wrong all along and they do have that sort of intimacy. Just in a different way.

And then Luffy comes to him fucking yelling his name and embracing him completely in the middle of the deck (where everybody is) kissing him all over his face and screaming about how excited he is to spend their day together on the next island.

Zoro just has to laugh. Maybe he doesn't have any right to complain about PDA after all.

#i have no fucking idea how the hell this ask ended up being this whole thing #i have to thank anon for the idea bc i loved it as you can see #i am so dramatic i always end up writing whole fics eiddsdukfbsukd #but i just love the concept of sanuso and zolu paralleling each other #one piece #roronoa zoro #black leg sanji #usopp #sanuso #monkey d. luffy #zolu #nami