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dangerliesbeforeyou · 5 years

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dan made me do it

(lol jk, but like i have Feelings(tm) about my sexuality and everything & figure this is the best time and place to do it...)

So I figured out I was bisexual a little over 5 years ago, after discovering it was a legitimate thing I could call myself whilst being on tumblr (2014 was a big time for lgbt discourse, especially in terms of the various terms and labels, most of which I hadn’t been familiar with...)... but tbh, I’d been trying to come to terms with who I was in terms of my sexuality for a long time

I grew up in a religious house (my parents were jehovah’s witnesses), but I never really remember anything vaguely homophobic being thrown around? And even if it did exist, I wouldn’t have been aware of it since I never had any question or doubt in my mind about the fact I was attracted to boys (I’d had a rly intense crush on this one boy for about 5 years through primary and secondary school... I still sometimes see his pics on facebook & u know what? I still would lol anyway...) my early days in school were mostly taken up by trying to get friends not be a total recluse (I’ve always had trouble making friends and connecting to people it’s no biggie it’ ss fineee........ ok carry on>>)

So going into secondary school I never felt that I was anything other than straight? But one thing I vividly remember was the way people in my year treated girls that were suspected to be gay... in short? they were seen as ‘dirty’... it was something perverted, and highly sexualised... (as in: being a lesbian meant masturbating a lot... (i mean: this says something about wider misogyny & demonising of female pleasure but like.. another time, another time) & also making out loads with other girls)... like no one ever came up and said ‘being gay is wrong’, but whenever rumours spread about a girl being suspected as gay and they didn’t deny them, people would suddenly start whispering about them... & it’s super strange to me that this was the same culture that if two female friends were really close and got labelled as gay, but came out and were like ‘oh no we’re straight ha ha we just kiss at parties and touch each others boobs’ or whatever, people would be completely ok with it?

So I never really gave myself the opportunity to go into this... I was never comfortable enough to be super ‘close’ to any of my female friends (intimacy issues: we don’t have to to get into all THAT right now though lol ahahaha....ha...) & I knew I wasn’t so called ‘skanky’ like all the girls who were labelled as being actually gay...

& this was all happening as I found myself actually being interested in looking at girls... (like what can I say? boobs are friggin nice to look at lol...) But i always saw it as innocent intrigue, since I was only 11/12 at the time so hadn’t grown into my own at the time... and the fact I felt more comfortable being touched by or talking to or like literally doing anything with girls? it’s just cos boys are gross there’s no other reason behind it!!.... right?

I think a big thing is that a lot of girls are so open with each other... like they’ll compliment each other’s boobs or asses, or comment on how pretty they are or their makeup skills or whatever.. you’ll be hard pressed to find a girl that goes all ‘no homo’ on her friend except.... I feel like that was me lol? I remember getting compliments from other girls about my appearance (didn’t happen often though pffft) or anything really and feeling all mushy inside, and giving the compliments back felt like a big deal to me? idk I suppose all the warning signs were there that hidden under layers of introverted awkwardness was a lil bi demon just waiting to come out lol!

So yadyyada, 2014 happens and I finally realise I’m bi... I just remember reading something on here about bisexuality and being like ‘oh damn yeh... dat me??’... like it felt amazing to be able to finally accept that I actually like girls too?? & one of the first people I told was this guy I became friends with when I first went to college... & he told me he was also bi and I remember thinking ‘wow!!!!! so it’s actually real?! it’s not just something you see on tumblr from random strangers, it’s an actual thing people I know irl experience wowwowowow’... I also came out to another online friend who I was close to, and it felt really amazing... but I could never translate that into actually coming out in real life (not to mention life was kinda shit at this time and I had like 0 friends but hEY, that’s not for now kiddos lol)...

So yeh, I’ve never actually come out to anyone... not properly anyway... I’ve always been very open about my sexuality online, but in real life I’ve never really discussed it with ... anyone? & it’s not because I’m ashamed in anyway, and it’s not even as if I’m that scared I just... I’ve never felt the need to? But after seeing Dan’s video, plus it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, this is something I really wanna do... see; I was so ready to live life just being ‘straight until I maybe get a girlfriend one day’, so ready to only tell people if they ask me but I just realised... isn’t that partly living a lie? who I’m with doesn’t change my sexuality, so why is it something I’m seemingly so scared of declaring to the world??

I vividly have this memory, before I realised I was bi, and I have no idea of why or when or any of the details, but me and my mum were watching something, and bisexuality was mentioned, and either my mum agreed with, or she said something along the lines of ‘bisexuals are more likely to cheat’, and that’s really stuck with me.... it’s something that’s always nagging in the back of my mind, and it... really fucking hurts lol... I know for a fact my mum will love my regardless of who I end up sleeping with or whatever, she may be pretty conservative in her mindset of things but she’s always willing to be open minded which I really love about her... but knowing this inbuilt stereotype of bisexuality is something she both acknowledges and somewhat agrees with is really... sad...

I’m 21 years old, I’ve been in one relationship in my life which only last a few months and involved no kissing and only occasional hand holding because I was too terrified to do any more (again: subject for aNOTHER day lol), and I know for a goddamn FACT that my sexuality would never make me more likely to be unfaithful to someone I claim to love...I really hate that this is associated with the label, but it’s something I know that I am... why on earth would I change that or try to be something else when I know that /this/ is me!

I think one of the biggest things putting me off ‘coming out’ is having to explain yourself... like dan howell made a 45 minute long video discussing his own sexuality and experiences cos he knew people wouldn’t just accept it if he just tweeted ‘yo dawgs imma queer lol #swag’ one day, and it feels kinda annoying that queer people/lgbtq+ people feel like we can’t just...... be ourselves without having to justify or explain it?! (even me making this post is solidifying that factor lol... it’s a mess lol)... like I just wanna live my life being bi, is that so much to ask for lol?

I am so so SO grateful we have so much more bi, and lgbtq+ in general, representation in media these days.... it’s goddamn beautiful to see our stories, and the stories of our community being told and cherished by millions, and that’s really gotta be something to rejoice in this pride month!!!

(side note: dan also talks about gender identity & I have literally never related to anything more lol... like 90% of the time I don’t feel like what people classify as ‘womanly’ things... but also I am a woman? idk man lol just call me a formless blob or whatever it was he said lol as a baby no one really knew if I was a girl or boy since my mum mainly dressed me in yellow & I had like 2 strands of hairs on my head lol... damn I miss those days lol)

In conclusion (or tl;dr as I’ve seen the Cool people write on their long posts (yes I had to google what it meant shhhh)):

Hi, my name is Xanthe, my username is ‘dangerliesbeforeyou’ here on tumblr because I made it 7 years ago and I wanted to use a cool sounding harry potter quote so I could come across as sophisticated but also nerdy, I’m a 21 year old female (mostly?) and I am a proud Bisexual...

I’m also single and very ready to mingle if anyone is interested ;;;;;;;;;)

(that’s only half a joke lol... plz romance me I’m v lonely)

#personal #lgbtq #pride month #idk what to tag lol #thank u for giving me the confidence to do this daniel lol...#maybe i'll b able to come out to my family who knowsss

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jylanisotp · 7 years

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(A/uuuu) (a/n: i know this isn't realistic sooo it's a fanfic it's not real is made up don't @ meee) jackson and dylan had went to a party the night before and dylan gets drunk and falls asleep right away jackson a little drunk but not as bad as dyaln cuddles with his boyfriend and finds sleep himself, the two boys sleep until jackson wakes up the next morning wanting his boyfriend to wake up and spend time with him before he has to leave to go back home. (p.o.v: point of view) (a/n: authors note) the strong love quotes in the paragraph dyaln tells jackson (you’ll see while you read) isn’t credit to me i just knew them 💛

jacksons p.o.v

i wake up to the sound of my ringer and quickly turn it off knowing dylan has to be on the plane in a few hours and that he would need the sleep turning to see the cute boy in glad to finally call mine sound sleep next to me i wrap my arms around him snuggling myself into the space between his neck and shoulder and start peppering kisses there i really want to wake him but i know he’s sleepy he did party a lot last night i grab my phone and post a picture on snapchat with the caption “my baby is so cute 😛😻” knowing when he sees it he’s gonna say how he isn’t and i’ll argue back that he is i don’t care i can’t help it he really is the most beautiful boy i’ve ever laid my eyes on i’ve decided to wake my boy up to a treat and make him some breakfast he’s gonna have a hang over by the time he wakes up so i’ll prepare for that i quickly make him some eggs with a side of bacon and buttered toast with the pain killers and a glass of water and check the time….oh shoot he’s gonna be late for his flight it’s a 30min ride and he has to leave why does time go by so fastttt he’s probably up and getting ready i run up to my bedroom to find dylan still asleep i can’t like the laziness anymore so i grab my shoe and throw it at him and scream “WAKE UP BITCH” AUTHORS NOTE: IM KIDDING OMG THAT CAME TO MY HEAD AND MADE ME LAUGH JAKSKS ANYWAY BACK TO THE REAL STORY KAKWNWN

i go back into my room and see him sleeping being all cute so i cuddle up next to him and kiss him softly i continue the act in hope to wake him up but it doesn’t work soo start to shake him lightly “babyyy wake up” in between those kisses i say his name and for him to get up and he just mumbles inaudible words back at me “dylan you’re gonna miss your flight” he stays quiet and i turn to get more comfortable but i guess he thought i was leaving and pulls me into his chest “jackson i don’t want to go i wanna stay here with with you” he pouts lightly at me how cute “it’s alright babe we will see each other again soon, plus we can facetime as soon as you get off the plane” i say playing with his hair he holds me tighter and says “but…it’s not the same i want to hold you and kiss you i can’t do that through a screen i’m going to be completely honest with you when you kissed me before when you woke up i was awake i just pretended to sleep so i would ‘miss’ my flight and be able to stay with you…i don’t really care about the ticket i don’t care if it was expensive i wanna be with you”

i smile at my cute boyfriend “dylan i would love for you to stay a bit longer you already promised your friends that you’ll be back to help them with moving out i don’t want them to hate me” i say cupping his cheeks to kiss him “jackson i’m ignoring the headache i have to try and get you to say to just stay and it’s not working” i turn around grabbing the pain killers i had prepared and hand it to him “i all ready had that prepared” he presses his hands against his temple i guess from the hangover so i kiss his forehead and move his hands to kiss his temple (a/n: if you don’t know what temples are it’s the side of your head) he fake moans “your kisses are magical they made me feel better than the pain killers did i roll my eyes fondly before we both laugh before he says "i got it come with me” “hmm?” i say kissing him through kisses he explains “come with me back home that way i can help my friends and stay with you anyway i would be on face time with you every second so i won’t really help them out” he says smiling smugly “woah wait but-” he kisses me cutting me off “no 'buts’ i’ll pack for you and buy the ticket for you and-” this time i cut him off “it’s not the money or the packing..well i mean i hate packing but i’ll do it for you it’s more of that what if i meet your friends and family and they don’t like me? what if they hate me and make us break up what if-” he kisses me roughly “well jackson you’re so special they aren’t going to hate you and if that do i’m sorry but they have to get used to you because you’re not going anywhere”

i smile at him how did i get so lucky “fineee i’ll go” my smile getting bigger knowing i’ll be with him for longer “aw i love that smile it’s the cutest smile in the world i can’t go without seeing that in person and kissing your soft lips i’ll miss it to much..are you blushing?” i push him away “no” he pulls me back “yessss you are awww”

“i hate you get off me” i say getting out of bed “you don’t hate me jackson”

“i know i love you, lets go i made you breakfast it’s probably cold and i gotta buy the ticket…time to get out of bed” i say “wait what did you say?” my heart races as i realize i said that i love him i know it’s true but i don’t want to rush things and scare him off “i said that it’s time to get out of bed” he smirks at me “no before that” walking out the room i responded “um the breakfast” i didn’t realize he was behind me until i felt him hug me and kiss my neck “nope i heard it the first thing you said after i said you don’t hate me”

“dyaln the food-” (j) “you’re making this harder then it has to be just say it” (d) he takes my hands in his “jackson joseph krecioch trust me i feel the same way, i was scared to say it i’m going to say it back i was afraid that you didn’t feel like that yet i didn’t want to rush you into anything but now that i now how you feel it makes me so happy you mean the world and so much more to me before i met you, i never new what it knew what i was like to look at someone and smile for no reason you have no idea how fast my heart beats when i see you if i did anything right in my life it was when i gave my heart to you thinking of you keeps me awake dreaming of you keeps me asleep being with you keeps me alive you are the first and last thing on my mind each and every day you are my happy when my eyes meet yours i get this overwhelming feeling that i can’t put into words i just i want to be with you for as long as i live i love you too i love you so much more than you can imagine if i would choose between breathing and loving you i would use my last breath to say i love you i’m amazed every time i see you not only because of your looks but because of the fact that everything i ever wanted is right here in front of me i love you so much Jackson” i stood there speechless so he just hugged him “dylan i love you so much” he smiled at me “i love you more” we go to the kitchen and eat the cold breakfast and dylan hugs me “i can’t wait to show you off to everyone” rolling my eyes again “okay dylan…you do realize that that you’re meeting my family when we leave yours? i’ve gotta show you off” he kisses me “got it” we get the tickets and he helps me pack i really was blessed with such an amazing boy and i couldn’t be more thankful “jackson?” i hear cutting me out of my thoughts “yea?” i walk up to dylan “what’s this” he shows me the picture i posted of him earlier “what you looked so cute” he just laughs"i’m not but okay" i shake my head 'no’ “you’re right you’re more then cute” and we go to continue to pack :)

@srlnnn on instagram (give them a follow!) requested a continuation of this story so here it is! i’m making up dylan’s friends with random names so you can picture them now ever you like and read the name as a different one it’s up to you :)

and thanks so much for all the love and support it means so much to me i’m glad you guys enjoy the stories 💛

dylan’s p.o.v

as my boyfriend was talking aesthetic pictures for snapchat i was making sure we had everything we needed to go, he packed 3 shirts and got “tired” but i did say i was going to pack for him and i mean watching him take selfies that i’m gonna send to myself when he’s not on his phone (which is very rare) is cute i guess

“babe we have to go” i tell him and he gets up hugging me he’s so cute he’s my favorite thing in the whole world i grabbed both suitcases mine and jacksons he gives me a confused look “what why are you looking at me like that” i say laughing “i can hold my bag if you hold all that i can’t hold your hand” i hand him his bag and take his hand “i was trying to be a good boyfriend” he kisses my cheek “you’re an amazing boyfriend” airport (still dylan’s p.o.v)

waiting for our plane to arrive jackson and i were tired of walking around so we went to sit in the waiting area and i took hold of my baby’s hand i was on instagram scrolling through our fanpages because they are so cute jackson and i watched cute edits of us both until the announcement of our plane goes on

we board our place hand in hand i’m super excited to show my family and friends the boy i am lucky enough to have the boy that i’m so proud to call mine, i know he’s nervous but i don’t know why he’s such an amazing person i don’t know how anyone couldn’t like him

after the plane ride…back at dylan’s place :)

jacksons p.o.v

i guess dylan could sense how nervous i was because he held me close to him while we were walking over to see his friends, i can say meeting his family went very well i went to the bathroom and over heard them saying how i’m a nice boy which made me happy but i feel like his friends are gonna be a bit harder to get to

we arrived and i just looked at dylan remembering what he had said about being with me no matter what and how much he loves me and it just warmed my heart i knew it was gonna be okay

i was wrong…as soon as we arrived the girls there gave me dirty looks and one guy named noah (a/n: idk i’m making up friends so you picture them how you what) comes to greet us “so dyaln this is who’s been taking you away from us” everyone laughs except me i was to nervous to joke around i wanted to impress dylan but i saw how they looked at i could sense how they didn’t like me already i’m not sure if i was just being paranoid but i need this to go well for him

dylan sits on the bench and pulls me onto his lap and places his head on my shoulder the action calmed me down we all talked and it was going really well dylan kept smiling so it made me really happy that this made him happy noah gets up to go get a cup of water

he was being more affectionate then usual but i don’t mind it “i’m gonna go the bathroom i’ll be right back” dylan announced while pulling me up with him and hugging me his arms around my waist my arms around his neck hands in his hair and he kissed me we both got into the kiss before one of his friends named Michael interrupts and says “bro he’s literally going to the bathroom for like two minutes not another planet” dylan and i laugh and he pecks my lips once more before heading off i sit down and smile at his friends “so guys-” i begin “stop” Michael cuts me off “listen jackson this isn’t right” he says looking down “what is?” i ask “you and dylan look we really hate to be the ones to tell you this but you seem like a really nice guy now that noah and dylan are gone we can tell you, they had a thing and they were really into each other he’s using you to get over him but they send each other flirtatious text and hooked up behind your back i just i hate how he’s making you fall for him when he doesn’t care you deserve someone a lot more special…i’d treat you right” he winks at me this can’t be true i know dylan isn’t like that he’s different “michael shut up, i’m sorry about him now back to dylan he’s trying to make noah jealous that’s why he’s all over you..” another one of his friends named emma said, she had a disgusted look on her face “it’s fucked up and we really like the thought of dylan and noah together and we told him not to use you but he did”

i really couldn’t believe what i was hearing i trust dylan or i trusted him “why do you think dylan is taking long in the 'bathroom’ and noah is taking long to get 'water’?” that’s when my heart shattered more i just got up and started walking away trying to hold in my emotions before anyone could see “where are you going” emma yelled “home…” i said my voice cracked in the middle of it, it hurt knowing he was like the rest as i was leaving dylan grabs my hand “babe where are you going” i push him off “don’t call me that” he cups my face and kisses me i push him off again and he just looks at me confused

“what’s the matter?” he ask and i just stare at him how can he not know what he did to me “stop playing dumb dylan your friends told me everything” his face changes from confused to shocked (😳) and i just shake my head and head to the door but he pulls me back again “you don’t want that?” he says what the fuck “why would i are you serious?” he rubs my arm “i’m sorry i thought you would like the idea of us living together i was gonna throw a surprise little party for it i just thought since we are with each other all the time it would make you happy…but it’s okay i’ll just move in and we will be closer to one another i guess” he looks at my sadly “dylan what are you talking about?” i ask “what my friends told you, how i’m getting a house in L.A and a as hoping you would want to come live there with me….what that’s the only thing i was hiding from you”

dylan’s p.o.v

jackson just looks at me sadly “dylan they told me you had a thing with noah i know in a relationship we’ve gotta trust each other but it’s happened to me one to many times to try and say someone’s different i want to believe you but why would they lie? they are your best friends and they seemed so sorry for me” i can’t believe it they were telling me about jackson telling them he isn’t sure if i’m the right person for him i guess that’s why they told him they realized that i didn’t care so they tried to break him down

“jackson that’s not true i know it doesn’t make sense but noah and i did have a thing but it stopped and i’m over it i guess he isn’t and they all are trying to break us apart so that i can get with him which isn’t going to happen because i love you and only you” i take his hand and lead us both back out side i angrily stomp over to my friends they got the memo and quickly apologized “look dylan i know what we did was fucked up but we are really sorry” the girls explain “nah don’t worry about it”

jacksons p.o.v

i look at dylan shocked how can he forgive them so easily after what the- “i did something much worse” dylan says stoping my train of thought “what do you mean” michael asked “i left and left my world here and trusted you all with him…get the fuck out” i smile at my boy standing up for me they all leave and dylan and i stay in the back “i’m sorry this didn’t go well, i wanted to make up happy and impress them all” i say and dylan shakes his head “they aren’t real friends to begin with if they can’t be happy for me and my family loves you so that’s all that matters” he says and cuddles into me “i’m so lucky to have you and you always impress me” he continues “i can’t wait for you to meet my family” i say and smile he just kisses me and we sit back and relax together

ewwwwwwwwww that was so bad 🙃 i had something really good and long and it was gonna play with your emotions but it deleted 🤦🏽‍♀️ so i had to rewrite it again and realized that what would happen in that one should have its own story line, request me more because this one was so bad ☹️

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