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amysubmits · 6 years

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I’m the anon with the ask from yesterday! My husband is vanilla in both being dominant and in the bedroom but he has come a long way since we started dating. Since we incorporated DD we have 4 rules to start with. I just feel like beyond the rules part of DD I just don’t feel involved like it’s a 24/7 lifestyle. Maybe I thought this would be more involved than it really is. Sorry for the vagueness lol. I’ll message you off anon if it’s too much 😂 no stress

Lol no you’re completely fine. My brain was just trying to go in 500 directions so I thought more info would help me shut up some of those pieces of my brain and get some of my ducks in a row. 😂 🦆 🦆 🦆 I’m copying your original ask for reference:

Hey lady! I love your’s and CD’s blogs and the podcast! Normally I never ask questions but I feel like our paths are very similar. I have always enjoyed spanking and identify spanking as a kink. My husband is very vanilla but we’ve finally and very recently started to incorporate DD into our relationship. My question is how did you guys switch from DD to D/s? I appreciate the rules and rewards/ punishments but I struggle with really feeling submissive in every day life? Like we’re both present.

I often say ‘before we were D/s’ and similar phrases (I have a tag called vanilla to D/s, too) in reference to the time period before we intentionally started domestic discipline before we created rules and so on. Sometimes people take that to mean that we were vanilla in ways that I don’t think we ever really were. When I look back at us “Before we were D/s” I can see seeds of dominance in his behavior and seeds of submission in my own. I think a majority of people who live D/s will tell you that they can do the same thing and that they don’t believe you can ‘become’ dominant or vanilla if it wasn’t inside of you to begin with. So if he is really, truly vanilla then that’s a problem in my opinion. THere has to be a bit of dominance in him and submission in you if you want to essentially water it, nurture it and let it bloom into a D/s dynamic where you feel as if you are living as his submissive full time. I think for D/s to really work long term he has to enjoy being Dominant for his own personal reasons. D/s is a lot of work on both side, so if one person is trying to play a role to help the other person and isn’t finding the responsibilities personally rewarding I think it will just drain them too much to maintain it. I think when the other person isn’t feeling personal passion for DD or D/s then it can contribute to you not feeling their presence as they just aren’t emotionally or mentally engaged with it very much. I feel that was true for us in the beginning and I’ve heard the same from other people.

However. No let me fix that.

HOWEVER.

I think there are so many stereotypes and stigmas out there about what Dominance is and isn’t. If you feel that you’ve been fairly successful with domestic discipline then my instinct is that he is more Dominant than you are currently recognizing. So many people think of dominance as being about stern harshness, or that dominance isn’t or can’t be loving. I think sometimes people in existing relationships fail to see their partners dominance because it is loving and warm. I think one of the downsides of reading erotica, watching porn, or even following real people on Tumblr is you can start to feel that what you are reading or watching is the one type of Dominance and so if your partner isn’t just like that, you may assume they are vanilla when perhaps they are just Dominant in slightly different ways? I was very into the idea of DD, so I read forums about disciplinarians and CD still today does not personally get a whole lot of fulfillment out of punishing me. I knew back then that he wasn’t passionate about punishing me at the time I thought that meant he wasn’t a natural. Part of why learning about D/s instead of just DD was helpful to us, was because my view of DD at the time was all about punishments, punishment are not something CD is into, really. He takes the job very seriously because he knows it is crucial to me and to maintaining our D/s. On a podcast episode he even once said something like ‘punishments are almost sacred’ and ‘sacred’ is not a word he really ever uses, but I believe what he meant is, it’s so vulnerable and intimate, and it has such a dramatic impact on our D/s that it’s a BIG deal. But even still, it’s not something that ‘fullfills him’ as a Dom. So when we first started DD and our entire dynamic was rules and punishments it wasn’t as fulfilling for him as our D/s is now.

Finding Tumblr and D/s…in particular, the ‘old fashioned relationship’ types of D/s was really eye-opening for us because that is sort of where CD’s fulfillment from Dominance largely comes from. He finds value in shouldering responsibility for our relationship and our lives, we like traditional gender roles, and so on. He likes ‘taking care of me’ in the way men were traditionally expected to take care of their wives, he likes having the final say, etc. That’s what makes him feel good, and what he finds fulfilling about our D/s much more so than punishing me. Finding D/s meant we were able to look at our DD and D/s as now including TGR and him ‘taking care of me’, guiding me, and not just him being my disciplinarian. So it just shifted our perspective to include MORE of our relationship dynamic that had already existed. I did the old-fashioned ‘womens chores’ and he did the ‘mans chores’ from the time we were teens. I had always done a lot of “Do you mind if I…’ or “Would you like me to…’ kinda stuff and he had done a lot of ‘I’d like it if you would…’ or ‘I wish you wouldn’t…’ type stuff. So just shifting our perspective really was all that happened when we went from DD to D/s. Now when he fixed the broken washer I found myself thinking ‘he takes such good care of me.’ and when I said “Is it okay if I add an extra onion to the fajitas? Would you rather I make them tiny so you can’t find them, or big so you can pick them out?” that I was being submissive. I had never noticed those behaviors before because they were just us.

So, we didn’t immediately add new ‘stuff’ to our relationship when we found D/s, we just found blogs talking about D/s and we were already doing things other than punishments that seemed like D/s…only we had never viewed those things as part of our DD before. It felt like finding D/s expanded our DD to be bigger or more complex, but it really was just our perspective, not changes taking place. Just us both noticing the D-like and s-like behaviors in ourselve made us more able to ‘feel’ our D/s more often.

Here are some of my blog posts that talk about what our relationship was like before D/s and early in DD or early in D/s that may help explain us a bit better? These give some examples of CD’s behaviors before we started DD that sort of show his ‘seeds of dominance’ that were there, I just didn’t recognize them as dominance because I couldn’t see the forest for the trees..and I had a really narrow view of what Dominance looked like.

http://amysubmits.tumblr.com/post/154997931337/our-beginning

http://amysubmits.tumblr.com/post/157885459472/the-little-house

http://amysubmits.tumblr.com/post/162485699442/beyond-punishment

http://amysubmits.tumblr.com/post/165088667331/leading-his-way

http://amysubmits.tumblr.com/post/169593201132/eighteen

http://amysubmits.tumblr.com/post/151858710382/he-leads-me

http://amysubmits.tumblr.com/post/171764906942/erotica-consent

Here are a few posts by another blogger that I think are great example of how real-life Dominance doesn’t always look like it does in erotica.

https://i-could-be-the-walrus.tumblr.com/post/162828813382/a-gentle-man

https://i-could-be-the-walrus.tumblr.com/post/167920233752/this-man-is-real

https://i-could-be-the-walrus.tumblr.com/post/165879325292/last-night

In terms of feeling his dominant presence outside of the 4 rules you currently have, I would try to look really close for ways that he is leading or taking control. See if there may be ways he is leading, and you are following and you just so used to it being normal for you two that it doesn’t stand out to you, because that’s basically what my situation was. Sometimes when I’m feeling a bit ‘off’ I still will try to be more conscious of the ways he leads and I always am tickled to step back and notice (and therefore feel/recognize) his dominance and my submission. I wrote about that in the post Burden. Anyway, watch for how he reacts if you make it clear you don’t want to lead or decide. If you say “what do you think I should do about X?” does he respond with clear advice/guidance? If you ask him “would you rather I wear this red top or the purple one?” does he seem to enjoy deciding for you? There could be endless other examples to list, it really just comes down to looking at whether or not he takes the lead when it’s available to him and clear that he has your consent to take it. If you find that he is leading in little ways, I would recommend trying to shift your perspective to accept that he already is dominant. It’s a small thing, but if you are currently thinking of him as vanilla when he is leading, that may cause you to resist his leadership because in your head you may be thinking ‘He should do X as that is what I imagine Dominance to be’ but if he is leading and doing y instead of X, then he is being dominant and you expect him to only do X if he is dominant may be counter-productive because you’re resisting his leadership if you try to only let him lead in the one way you envisioned. I’m guilty of having done that in the past and wrote about some of that in ‘leading his way’. I’m not trying to say you should never resist his leadership, if you think something I wrong, he’s genuinely making a bad or dangerous decision then, of course, speak up. But I guess my larger point is, just make sure you aren’t only accepting his leadership when it is exactly what you hoped for or dreamed of. Try to let him lead in his own way.

I’m copying this part below from a former ask but I think it makes sense here. :)

It may also be helpful to really explore what you are hoping ‘feeling the dynamic’ will really feel like to you. I get the sense that it means very different things to different submissives. If you can pinpoint the core feeling you are after and express that to your Dom it may help him to understand you a bit better, and/or think of ways to be a Dom that will give you those feelings. My core answer would be that I want to feel watched over. For other submissives it might be ‘I want to remember that I’m owned.’ or ‘I want to feel taken care of.’ or “I want to be reminded that my #1 priority is serving you.” and probably a million other possibilities. If you know yours and can tell him that might help. :)

Okay. I think I’m done with my mini book. Except I wanted to give shout outs to @lesstalkingmorespanking for helping my messy brain break this down and for reminding me of my own posts that related to this and @i-could-be-the-walrus for helping me find posts of hers that relate as well. ❤️❤️

We plan to do a podcast soon that is more in-depth about ‘becoming D/s and what our relationship looked like as teenagers and so on, so keep an eye out for that, it may apply to much of this ‘becoming D’s’ stuff. Good luck to you two!

#asks #vanilla to d/s

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