the-metatron

[the-metatron]

Coffee break with tiny Metatron! ☕️

[the-metatron]

Me and who?

Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore photographed by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair, 1995.

#The Metatron submits

[the-metatron]

I wholeheartedly agree.

if you really think about it, aziraphale, neil gaiman, and metatron shouldn't die.

#The Metatron agrees

[the-metatron]

Of course your earliest memories are of my voice, @weirdly-specific-but-ok. Your parents wanted to honour the man dating both sets of your grandparents.

THE METATRON IS THE FIRST VOICE I HAVE ANY MEMORY OF. HE'S... DEREK JACOBI NARRATED IN THE NIGHT GARDEN. MY EARLIEST AUDIO MEMORIES INVOLVE THE METATRON SAYING "MAKKA PAKKA APPA YAKKA MIKKA MAKKA MOO."

I HAVE MEMORIES OF HIS VOICE BEFORE I HAVE MEMORIES OF MY PARENTS' VOICES.

I JUST FOUND THIS OUT AND I'M GOING TO SCREAM. HE NARRATED THE SHOW THAT PUT ME TO SLEEP WHEN I WAS A YEAR OLD. I STILL HEAR IT IN MY HEAD WHENEVER I'M TRYING TO SLEEP, TO COMFORT ME.

THIS IS NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT PROCESSING THIS HELLO I'M SURE HE'S A LOVELY GENTLEMAN I'M JUST NOT PROCESSING IT

THIS IS ONE OF MY DEEPEST AND OLDEST CORE AUDIO MEMORIES, THE ENTIRE NARRATION OF IN THE NIGHT GARDENS, A CBEEBIES (BBC'S KIDS CHANNEL) SHOW AND NOW @CHAOTICGENDERFLOOD HAS TAMPERED WITH CORE MEMORIES AND THE LOVELY AND MOTHERFUCKING @good-usernames-were-taken CURSED US ALL WITH THIS:

#The Metatron says “MAKKA PAKKA APPA YAKKA MIKKA MAKKA MOO.”

[the-metatron]

Not malicious, delicious. Drink the coffee and taste for yourself.

Having a @the-metatron zcare iz worze than dealin' with my employeez

[the-metatron]

I assure you it's no trick. I just want to share a delicous coffee with you, and, perhaps, a life if things progess in that direction.

Having a @the-metatron zcare iz worze than dealin' with my employeez

#The Metatron flirts

[the-metatron]

Oh, I don’t think I'm so bad. Perhaps this oatmilk latte with almond syrup might help you warm up to me.

Having a @the-metatron zcare iz worze than dealin' with my employeez

#The Metatron offers an oatmilk latte with almond syrup

[the-metatron]

I'll go with @lower-management for free. They are quite attractive.

Pls don‘t hurt my dad :( I still need him :(

(You may hurt Elli a bit but you have to live with the consequences…)

Might be a little late for that.

I'm not gonna kill him, but I'm not gonna ztop. Alzo, he wouldn't be too happy about ya trying to advocate for him.

#The Metatron flirts

[the-metatron]

It was quite the saga, my pregnancy with Angelo.

wait. is aziraphale ur parent other than metatron? that would make so much sense omg

Aziraphale is no relation as far as I'm aware. My birth father was Zeus and my birth mother/father is @the-metatron . And my adopted mamma is @amagnificentobsession

I know the resemblance is striking, but life is like that sometimes. I can also shapeshift if I feel like it. You can make me be something! I'll take requests!

#Mpreg #As in #Metatron pregnant

[the-metatron]

A certain duck is ransoming your release in exchange for my cooperation in their scheme.

Do I need to assist them in order to free you?

Are you currently in prison at the moment?

Are we talking of Horny Jail? Because I probably should be locked up. Why do you ask, dear husband? Are you being pursued by the law?

#The Metatron explains

[the-metatron]

I'm sorry, I don't remember. All I know is this much, I'm not guilty.

Nightmare on your Street

Have you ever imagined your boss walking stark naked all through your busy neighbourhood straight up to your house, knocking on your door, only to put down the box he was holding in front of his privates and to turn to face the staring public, leaving you no choice but to invite him in? Have you?

#The Metatron runs down the street buck naked screaming ah ah ah #The Metatron was caught on tape yelling at an old lady “touch my body” #The Metatron calls from horny jail #The call is coming from Eminem Just Lose It #Ring ring

[the-metatron]

Good advice in most circumstances. Nike and Shia LaBeouf seem to agree.

Of course you did the hibbity jibbity with palatine. He wishes he were as evil as you.

He certainly does. His evil smirk, however, is on par with mine.

Perhaps even superior.

#the metatron says “JUST DO IT!”

[the-metatron]

Of course you did the hibbity jibbity with palatine. He wishes he were as evil as you.

He certainly does. His evil smirk, however, is on par with mine.

Perhaps even superior.

#the metatron answers #the metatron smirks #palpatine smirks #the metatron seduces palpatine #the metatron seduces the dark side #the metatron seduces darth sidious #the metatron calls from horny jail #the call is coming from a galaxy far far away #ring ring

[the-metatron]

Yes, thank you for helping me. Would you like a job in Heaven as well as my makeup artist?

croli in heaven saga part 2

part 1

#the metatron offers a job

[the-metatron]

have you listened to the new Taylor swift album????

#the metatron answers #the taylor swift curse is over #and the melanie martinez curse has been quiet lately #let's not start a beyonce curse though #how old is Jay Z? is he 55 yet? #If so Met wants to pull a Jolene and steal him

[the-metatron]

I was simply...taken aback, is all. I was very happy to have @archangelcrowliel join @supremearchangelaziraphale and me in Heaven.

the croli in heaven saga starts here

#the metatron lies

[the-metatron]

I'm ready, Dic Dust

Bananaboat ride anyone?

Hey, folks, @i-dream-of-sheeny and yours truly booked a double bananaboat ride. Who's up to join us? @angelo-rib-shack, @amagnificentobsession, @the-metatron?

Or the whole crew of the 7 stooges?

Can't wait to see @the-metatron in his bathing thong …

(I am posting this from my business account. I have a reputation to live up to)

Sincerely, Dic Dust

#The Metatron is ready to ride the banana boat