#i am happy to chat about ed stuff but i know it's triggering for basically every single person in the world so...

[rival-the-rose]

Eating disorder rambling under cut

Eating disorder etiology is so weird. I've been sick again, so I've had another baby relapse. Or, another dip in my larger trend down since my peak recovery in early December and then getting sick end of December. It's just like clockwork, I get a fever or go on antibiotics or vomit and then every eating disorder urge hits even if I've been recovered for months. And I know the pop culture (and even psychiatric) understanding of eating disorders is skewed and shitty but it's somehow still surprising to me when my thoughts are not centered on my body or health or whatever. Like, I think people expect safe foods for ed ppl to be salads or whatever, but today the only food I've been able to eat is old stale tortilla chips that probably should've just been thrown out. It's still "virtuous" food, like morality is still the criterion by which the food is considered "safe", just a different system of morality I guess? And typing out the implications of that morality system makes me sad (ie, the only food I'm worthy of eating is just short of garbage, but my brain presents it as... idk. Something less depressing than that. Like this is gonna help save the world, but it doesn't come with wanting a system to only eat food like that or feed others like that). It's just so weird to go from pretty happily eating three meals a day to feeling morally repugnant if I feel full. Or even right now my usual coping method of thinking of the cheapest meal that is still a complete diet just seems both overwhelming and like I don't deserve that. Like I don't deserve beans and rice with salsa+sour cream, and also that meal is too hard to make.

And there are body thoughts but those feel more conscious somehow. Like the fact that I can barely wear the size 2 pants I bought when I came back this fall really really bothers me but those thoughts almost come as a reaction to whether or not I'm eating. Idk. I just feel like right now I can see how organic and insane it all is, but usually I can't see that on my own. Which either means progress or I'm extra crazy RN. It really makes me wonder what about the illness is triggering - my inactivity+lack of productivity leading to feeling like I don't deserve food? That would make sense but would have to happen at a higher order of thinking than I think this is. Just missing a meal? Maybe I'm constantly closer to relapse than I think and one meal is enough to throw it all off. But sometimes it feels like there actually something physical that changes when I get sick like my brain falls into an old rut that sick me is too tired to yank it out of.

I wonder if someday I'll be able to look back on this the same way I do the pica I had when I was anemic - raw meat and cigarette butts hold zero appeal for me now but were so enticing at the time and it felt so normal. I hate the idea of still struggling like this in another 15 years. But I don't know how to stop being terrified of gaining weight, or to stop soothing that fear with the thought that actually I do know how to lose weight and it's relatively easy. I've never truly had a healthy relationship with food or exercise but I hope I can soon. The idea of spending my entire life like this, of being like the 80 year olds in the hospital, is horrifying. Objectively, the thought of spending my youth like this is even more horrifying (even though my current agreement with myself is to stop this behavior when I'm 40). And on having that thought, I asked myself to get up and eat, and I couldn't do it.

Anyway. I'll pull my shit together soon esp since we're going out of town which usually will make it way easier to eat.

#i am happy to chat about ed stuff but i know it's triggering for basically every single person in the world so...

[tenpin-boleyn]

Rebellious Parr at School!

These were thought up by @wolfies-chew-toy and I- mostly MB- because Cathy going through teenage rebellion is I C O N I C

There are some teenage Anne in here too but mostly our girl Cathy P 🖤

Also I’m sorry about the length- I’m on mobile so I can’t add a read more :)

•Anne got her heelys confiscated, so she decided to sandpaper the bottom of her shoes so she can slide around like a penguin. No wheels? No problem.

•Catherine being the feminist icon that all teachers fear:

“NO I AM NOT READING ROMEO AND JULIET AS ITS A DEROGATORY REPRESENTATION OF WOMEN AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH”

Then Catherine promptly gets removed from the class.

“Catherine don’t you have English right now?”

“Don’t you have your funeral!!.... oh my god Mrs lynn I’m so sorry” because Cathy is a badass but she still has feelings

•Confusing the teachers on a daily basis:

"Hitler is kinda like Kim Jong Un dont you think?"

"Miss Parr and Miss Seymour what are you talking about?"

"Miss, isn't Kim Jong Un rather like Hitler?"

"Please stop discussing your Kpop idols in my class."

•The school has different colors led name tags for the different years, eg. Seventh year, yellow, eighth year green etc.

You can bet your ass Parr has a name tag in each colour and wears them all at once. It ranges from her actual name to Catradora. She has a name tag that just says CatParr420 and wears it everywhere.

And 90% of the time she wears a blank one and carries around a marker

“Umm excuse me what’s your name?”

Which prompts Cathy to draw on a fake name.

“Anita Willtolive”!

•She draws penises on all the whiteboards of every class she enters in permanent marker.

•One time the school used a drone to film the morning assembly and the noise annoyed Cathy so much she picked her book from morning reading up and h u r l e d it at the drone.

All you can hear before the recording stops is “YEET”

Did she get detention? Yes

Was it worth it? HELL YES

•You can bet your bottom dollar that Anne is in that detention too.

Anne's reasons for detention range from stuff like chatting to general shenaniganery but Cathy is just oPEN DEFIANCE

•She only is nice to her classmates

•And selected teachers

•She's a dick to everyone else

•But if she sees a kid on their own she’ll go out of her way to be lovely to them and to that one annoying teacher she hates, she’s a hell raiser

•She once moved the empty table next to her desk away to the other end of the class to stop teachers from sitting next to her- whilst the teacher was trying to sit at said desk.

•Catherine openly questioning EVERYTHING

“But if everyone is only nice to get into heaven surely that defeats the purpose and they’re being fake”

•She would fall asleep in front of the teacher

She'd just yell goodnight really loudly and knock out on her desk

•Honestly it’s a wonder she hasn’t been kicked out, but Jane thinks it’s because her grades bring up the school average

•She does her homework the moment she gets it and is finished by the end of the day

•Anne just puts in her file and lets it rot

•Parr gets in trouble for handing in Anne’s homework that Parr did but Anne has no idea. Cathy just wanted to make sure she didn’t fail

•Anne teaches Parr how to get discounts in the cafeteria, because Parr needs free cookies.

•Parr is Anne's defender when it comes to detentions

•She gives the teacher her Stare™️ and they instantly clam up

•Their detention desks are side by side and they have like those partners in crime necklaces but instead of two halves on their necklaces they’re carved into the tables

They they put them together they just line up

“Parr scares all the teachers except the German teacher who is literally Satan.

•Anne looks scary but she is basically harmless

•Parr looks like she wouldn't hurt a fly but given the chance she would 100% bite her teacher's hand off

•Anne has like five piercings and the messiest uniform in existence while Parr has only one piercing in each ear and the neatest uniform in existence but the moment Parr opens her mouth you better run

•She once bit a first year because they got in her way

•Cross any of Parr's friends or Parr herself and you might as well drop out because you'll be on a hit list for your whole education career

•She’s got a little black book of people that’s annoyed her because eventually she forgets but she’s too petty to let her memory get the better of her

•Anne has been on it at least once but Parr always strikes her name out

•She once kicked Parr in the stomach trying to show off her sandpapered shoes

•The shoe flew off and hit Parr in the stomach

She would have screamed at Anne but Anne’s puppy dog eyes are irresistible

Especially at 12 years old because she’s literally a baby

Like not even in a sexual way, you just can’t say no to those eyes

•Seymour has also been on the list once

But Parr got her revenge

What did Seymour do? She keeps taking Parrs highlighters

So Parr makes her pay money for every time she uses her highlighters

And one day a teacher sees and thinks it’s a drug deal

Every late payment is + 1 quid

Jane knows better than to accumulate late payments because Parr is ruthless when it comes to money

•When a classmate lost Parrs calculator and didn't pay her back, Parr literally carved owe money pay money onto her desk and got that person's friends to remind them daily till they paid her back

•Every time that person saw Parr in the hallways they'd turn around and head the other direction

•Tardies don't matter when the most trigger-happy person in school is out for your blood

•The day that she’s sat next to Parr in the seating plan is the day she moves schools

•Even then Parr still tracks her down

•She waits for them at the school gate with the most murderous smile on her face

•You just see Anne behind her chewing gum, snapping her fingers and doing jazz hands

•And the person is rapidly dialing their parents while screaming MOM COME PICK ME UP I'M SCARED

•Suddenly Aragon pulls up with the others and shouts at the pair “get in losers we’re going shopping”

"How the hell did you even find them Cathy?"

"I just followed the smell of crippling debt and it led me here."

“No seriously how?”

“Anne never turns her snapmaps off”

•Also Parr made the PE teacher cry more than once. More than twice. Okay it was 27 times.

•Parr has a pen knife and people try to confiscate it but she just brings out a printed sheet of paper that says that “a knife may be carried as a self defence weapon if it is under 9 inches and is retractable”

•She made the history teacher quit.

•One time she threatened to give someone salmonella because they were giving Anne and Kat a hard time

•Both Anne and Kat are in special ed and someone thought it'd be funny to bully them cuz of it

•She was skipping class in the toilets and two girls walk in and start bad mouthing Anne and Kitty so she kicks open her door and looks at them whilst sucking a lolly pop “hello bitches say goodbye to ur eyebrows”

•Parr is super defensive of the two of them

•She teases them sure but if anyone else tries, they have to sleep with one eye open

•Anne and Kat don't understand why people keep coming up and apologizing to them

•When they ask Parr, she just shrugs and smiles

•Parr used to be super motivated back in year seven. When year eleven rolled around, she became a little more rebellious, first the name tags, then the mouthing off. Then it escalated further and further. No one else but Parr and Anne knows what happened to cause this change

•Parr is soft for Anne and Kat and Anne and Kat alone

•She roughs up Aragon, Seymour and Cleves bc she knows they can take it. She's soft when she needs to be and not many people see that side of her

•Her favourite teachers rarely see that side either. Only during teacher's day when she sneaks into the staffroom to give them homemade cookies

•Parr wears leather jackets to class and no one dares question her.

•Anne learnt Chinese and how to play the guitar during detention so that she could sing for Parr the next time they had a session together

•Anne singing Unchained Melody exactly like in ghost the musical, and does the little elvis riff too

•Parr and Anne facetime and do Kahoots together because they need to study aka theyre competitive as shit

•Cathy gets excited in class and stands on her chair and yells "I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK. U COMING TO KILL ME???" And promptly gets removed from the class.

•Parr gets a "Little Miss Adventurous" award for having the most travelled converstation.

BONUS:

•The queens doing that egg project where they have to bring an egg home and keep it for a week

•Anne calls hers Eggward Eggburt.

•Aragon drops it the moment she gets it

•Anne brings the egg home and makes it into an omelette

•Jane does well till the sixth day where she goes fuck it and uses it to bake cookies.

•Cleves breaks it during lunch after Anne called her a name and she threw it at her

•Kat gives hers to Jane and it's baked into chocolate chip cookies

•Parr shuts hers in the fridge for a week and takes it out at the end of the week

•Anne gets asked where her egg is and she pats her stomach which results in Kitty yelling “YOURE PREGNANT?!”

•Jane gets asked where her egg is and she holds up this cookie jar and offers the teacher one

•Parr is praised for being the only one in class for having an intact egg and then she grabs the egg and breaks it on the teacher's head cuz she 'needed to shut up'

#anne boleyn #six the musical #millie o'connell #aimie atkinson #katherine howard #catherine parr #catherine of aragon #grace mouat

[a-simple-gaywitch]

I’m so much happier than I was a year ago?

*this has some pretty heavy stuff, please read with caution, serious trigger warnings under the cut*

One year ago, I was still dating my first, and only, boyfriend. I don’t know why, but I was miserable. I thought it was just really bad depression, I thought maybe I was bipolar because I had such violent mood swings. 

This guy was awful. I’m only going to list a few of the things he did but there’s definitely more that I’m not entirely comfortable sharing. 

He tried kissing another girl while we were together, he frequently said he’s kill himself if we broke up, he flirted with one of our friends, and he broke up with me over a dm and said that he thought about cheating on me. 

I was upset when we broke up, sure. I deleted his number, blocked him on everything, ect. Except that I forgot to block his tumblr. That’s when things got bad.

So he knew my schedule (we’d been dating for 9 months, it’d be weird if he didn’t.). He knew when I’d be having my alone time in my room so he dm-ed me on tumblr. His message said something to the effect of “you better answer me or you’ll never see the nice side of me again.” Now, this terrified me to my very core. Not because of the threat. Because I was finally seeing just how bad this guy was. So naturally, I screenshot this and send it to my friends, asking for advice. One of my friends decides to start a groupchat with us and his mom before leaving the chat. 

In short, I told her that he wouldn’t leave me alone. She promised to talk to him. Only he didn’t listen.

I walk home every day because my house is close by my school and my parents don’t get off work in time to pick me up. Now, for the past however many months, he had been walking me home from school. This became a problem because he decided to follow me on my walk and corner me so that he could talk to me. I was lucky that my neighbor was outside at the time and I was able to ignore him by talking to her until he lost interest. I don’t know what would have happened if she wasn’t out there. 

So I’m a wreck, I was shaking and crying, and just generally a mess. When my mom got home, she saw me crying and asked what happened. I explained the gist of it and she had my dad start picking me up since he had just started spring break at the school he worked at. 

Then came the complicated part. See, we had the same friend group. That’s actually how we met. So he was in our group still, but my friends were on my side of the breakup (thankfully). I don’t remember much of how our group dynamic worked after that, but I do know that we’d still get to the school around the same time and wait for the rest of our group. It would always be really awkward because we’d both be sitting there in silence while we waited for our friends to show up. 

Then came even more drama. Now, my best friend and ex had dated a year before we did before she ended things with him. Apparently, after we broke up, he asked her out again. She didn’t want to say no because she’s too sweet like that. So, she decided to ask me out to get him off both our backs. Then this guy, being the douche that he is, decided to flirt with a girl he knew she had strong feelings for. She asked him not to, but he replied basically “you’re dating my ex why should i care?” Then she replied “you threw away your chance with her, get over it.” Basically, there was just so much drama I was convinced we were actually in a teen movie. 

But after that, I was still super depressed. I tried to enjoy things, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t see a point in much. Then I found musicals were a great coping mechanism and I also started taking better care of myself.

He no longer goes to my school, so I don’t see him anymore, thank god. I still get panic attacks and get irrationally scared when I do see him (like when he showed up at the musical) but over all, I’m over him. 

I’m taking much better care of myself now and I’m so much happier. I understand myself better and know where I want to go in life. If you would have told me a year ago that I would find an amazing and supportive community on Tumblr and that my dream was to perform on stage every night, I would have laughed and shrugged you off. But now I’m happy, I understand who I am a bit more. I’m realizing more and more about myself each day. 

tl;dr: my ex was a grade a asshole and made me super depressed but a year after our breakup, I feel so much better about myself. 

#tw: toxic relationships #tw: cheating #tw: manipulation