#i HATE being made to care about soemthing and then it all being dropped without a word

[ganondoodle]

every now and then i get comments on some of my older rants about totk and im pretty sure its usually the very first post without any of the additions i tend to add later on-

old post about how i found it a lil weird that the one of the first things rauru and sonia doing is put zelda back into a little white maiden dress even tho her own clothes didnt look damaged at all and were far more practical and someone commented that its so she doesnt stand out (something that was said in nearly every comment i got on that post already) and that it was only weird bc i was making it weird or sth xD

but it made me think about it again, so .... that excuse doesnt work for me at all bc .. why wouldnt she want to stand out? whats the danger of that? her suddendly appearing out of nowhere, not knowing anything of the traditions or happenings of the time, being around the king and queen all the time with a duplicate enigma stone and unknown technology (purah pad) isnt weird? i know the excuse of oohoho shes a distant relative of sonia (i know its far stretched techinically true i guess) but why even do that, why go to such lengths of keeping her time traveling secret? making her less of a target for gan isnt really sensical either bc he went for sonia anyway, despite zelda clearly being the younger and less experienced of the two with less control of her power, and if he knew she was techinically more powerful .. well then shes even less in danger, and if he might have wanted to get information from her what could he have gained from it really? she didnt really know anything more anyway? like all she could tell him would be like you will lose i guess lol

(also you could keep it secret from him but why from the others, i just dont see the point, i dont find her look pretty either, she just looks uncomfortable, like if she gets put in to a lil white uwu maiden dress AGAIN im just gonna assume ok you are stripped of all your agency and will sacricifce yourself again wahoo what fun)

in a world were time magic is normal why wouldnt you just say yep she literally came from the future to help us? the usual rules of time travel, as in, dont tell anyone who you are, dont mess with the happenings bc everything can have major consequences, doesnt apply anyway, she goes around by her real name and is involved in literally every major happening .. so why care?? keeping it secret from gan for the future? why? he literally recognizes her within a split second anyway

(no gonna get into why i think her time travelling in the first place is like .. so forced? its only segway to put her out of the game essentially and the oh no tragic twist, but like why, she got the powers and the stone so she unconcisouly travels ... back in time ..?? why not reverse the stones she fell from or something, if it was soemthing that would come up again ok! like she did the time travel accidentally and then learned how to return over the time she spent in the past thats good!! i like that idea, but its never broguht up again, the closest thing to it is the weird two time bubbles that just serve to give you her time powers (whats up with how that went down anyway) and then to send the mastersword back ... why even do that when it could have fallen and travelled back with her right away?? and both of those are at the very start of the game AND IT NEVER COMES UP AGAIN, like fine if it was her trying to go back but not getting it right so she creates weird ass time bubbles cool! why not put them all over the place with them getting bigger and maybe being able to talk to link from the past idk SOMETHING- ok ill stop here ...)

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #totk #ganondoodles rants #i just keep finding things that are neat build ups or whatever and then its NEVER FOLLOWED UP ON #i HATE being made to care about soemthing and then it all being dropped without a word #like i feel betrayed and cheated on for caring about stufff in this game #like with impa hell yeah lets research a way to bring zelda back wowooo and then its nothing #its just .. doesnt matter lol #yes im mad #bc i CARE ABOUT THIS FRANCHISE #botw WORKED with its setting and worldbulding an themes #totk doesnt and its driving me nuts

[xxnatxx]

Chapter 2 - So what now?

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TW: Mentions of sex, drinking/alcohol, pregnancy, birth.

It’s been nearly 3 weeks after Bakugou had his little slip up, as he called it.

Everything seemed to being going pretty normal, nothing unusual or out of the ordinary in his daily life. He simply went to work, fought villains, did paperwork, worked out, ate and slept, nothing else.

Eventually, he had completely wiped the sloppy memory from his brain, to Bakugou, it was nothing but a mere inconvenience.

It’s wednesday afternoon, it’s sunny out and Bakugou is doing his usual boring patrol duties, since being a sidekick wasn’t very exciting. But he knew it would eventually be worth it, so with Kirishima by his side, he went to work and put up with the tireless hours of patrol.

This day is particularly quiet and empty, everyone at work or staying in, regardless of the perfect weather for outdoor activities. With nothing to do, Kirishima heads outside a nearby shop to help an enderly woman lift a couple boxes into her small shop. This leaves Bakugou sitting alone on a park bench, staring at the birds that would drop down from the sky and sit right by his feet.

It’s now that he suddenly feels vibrating coming from his pocket, probably the old hag calling to nag me again about eating dinner, he thought as he pulled his phone out.

Though it’s not a number he recognizes, nonetheless, with nothing to do, he answers.

“Um, hello? Is this Katsuki Bakugou speaking by any chance?” a woman with a concered voice speaks.

A woman? Who could possibly be calling him with such a shaky tone, he didn’t really know many other people besides his high school peers, and this doesn’t seem to be a voice he can recall,

“Yeah, what do you want, who are you, and how do you have my number?”

He responds in his usual aggressive and demanding tone.

“Oh this is um, Oliva Okumura, from the bar”, she hesitantly responds.

Oh.

That girl.

“What do you want” he says, both curious and confused as to why this woman he knew nothing about, was suddenly calling nearly a month after their encounter.

“I’ll just get straight to the point,

I’m pregnant, it’s yours, and i’m keeping it. I don’t really know if you want to be involved in it’s life or not, but I still figured I should tell you.”

On the other side of the line,

Bakugou is frozen, completely in shock.

Eyes wide open, jaw on the floor, he feels the tight grip on his phone begins to loosen as his thoughts run ramped.

“No, no, no, no, no, no”

“How am I supposed to become number 1 AND raise a stupid brat in the process?”

“Is she even telling the truth?”

“Should I really be involved in its life?”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Fuck”,

He can’t be a dad, right?

Though he had his very loud thoughts screaming at him to hang up, and never see the girl or the brat so he can continue to climb his way to the top, he wasn’t a terrible person.

This was his mistake, his responsibility,

and he wasn’t gonna leave a child without a father,

and thus,

he picks up his phone which is now laying on the concrete floor in front of him and says,

“I’ll do it, I’ll be in the stupid brats life”

“Hold on, really? I honestly didn’t think you’d stay, I mean aren’t you some up and coming hero or soemthing?” Olivia responds.

“Whatever, that doesn’t matter, have you made a doctors appointment yet or what” Bakugou says, in an annoyed and frustrated voice, it’s almost shaky from the anxiety he’s feeling after being told hes gonna be a dad,

a teen dad.

“Uhm, no, am I supposed to?” Olivia says cluelessly.

“Oh god, I really managed to knock up and idiot huh,

Of course you have to make an appointment, send me the information once you’ve done it, and let me make a few things clear while we’re at it,

This will be a strict parenting relationship only, I still have my own personal life and you won’t be involved, only the brat, got it?” Bakugou states firmly and aggressively.

“Pft, yeah yeah whatever you want, I’ll make the appointment and text you the information,

Bye Bakugou”

Instead of responding, he simply hangs up, shoving his phone in his pocket, still trying to process what the fuck his day just turned into.

One second he’s on typical, uneventful patrol,

the next he’s a dad.

Obviously, the only person he can really trust enough to tell, is Kirishima, so that’s exactly what he does as soon as Kirishima jogs over to Bakugous place on the bench.

Bakugou tells Kirishima everything and being the loyal friend that Kirishima is, he comforts him and helps him plan out how everything will work out once the baby is born.

How he’ll care for it while working at the same time, making sure he’s financially stable, getting a slightly more spacious and modern apartment, etc.

8 months have gone by at this point, Bakugou has been going to Olivias check ups and appointments, he’s been helping her financially as well as emotionally, though the most he does for her on that part is go over to her apartment and cook for her(and the baby in her belly), or clean up around her apartment.

All while trying to distance himself from her as much as possible at the same time, it’s crazy enough that he’s having a baby at 19, let alone have a girlfriend too, not that he liked Olivia anyways. She was obnoxious and rude, with poor living habits, and honestly, he just really disliked her personality.But nonetheless, she was the woman carrying his child, so of course he was going to put on a neutral face and cooperate with her ridiculous demeanor.

And finally, the 9th and final month of her pregnancy passes by faster than he thought it would, and he and Olivia are in the hospital waiting for a baby to arrive. Olivias in pain, she’s screaming, wailing, squeezing Bakugous hand into oblivion, just trying to push the baby out.

“Holy shit how much longer do I have to pu- UUUHH” Olivia screeches,

“Hang in there Mrs. Okumura, the baby’s almost out!” the nurses reassure her.

Bakugou honestly has no clue what to do to help her, so he simply sat next to her, lending her a hand to squeeze and scratch as she pushed his baby out. He’s trying to give her reassuring words but we all know how Bakugou struggles with this sometimes, so all he can say is,

“Good job” in the most monotone voice imaginable

“Gee thanks” Olivia manages to snark back.

After 20 more minutes of screaming, pushing, and crying,

A beautiful blond haired, red eyed baby boy was out. He was definitely a carbon copy of Bakugou, as expected since his family genes were so strong.

“So what are you guys gonna name him” a gentle nurse asks,

“I could care less, you pick the name idiot” Olivia says looking away from the precious baby in Bakugous arms.

Bakugou stares at her with disappointment, he thought she’d at least want to hold her damn baby, but after expressing several times throughout her pregnancy how much she hated kids, babies, etc., Bakugou wasn’t really all that surprised.

But I mean why would you keep a child you don’t even want in the first place? Bakugou thinks to himself as he stares at his sons gentle face, trying to decide on a name.

“Ren, his name is Ren Bakugou” he mutters to the nurse who scribbles the name down onto her paper.

The baby is then taken into another room with other newborn babies, to have a check up, and Bakugou follows, leaving Olivia alone in her hospital room.

An hour later, Bakugou returns to check on Olivia,

“Hey, I got you some food from the cafet-“ he begins to say only to stop when he sees Olivias room completely empty and cleaned up, bed made, bathroom empty, and no Olivia.

“Maybe she got put into another room or soemthing” He thinks as he goes to ask a nearby nurse.

After asking multiple nurses who gave him the same response of

“I don’t know, sorry sir.”

Eventually he begins to worry, where the hell has she run off to now?

Finally, the nurse who helped Olivia deliver the baby rushes up to Bakugou and breathlessly says,

“I-i’m Sorry, S-sir, Olivia seems to have been discharged, though she wasn’t supposed to leave for another day or so, we think she might have faked the discharge papers, but we found this note on her bed” the nurse says handing bakugou a napkin with ink scribbled all over it.

He yanks the paper from her hand, and roughly opens it up and it reads,

“I’m sorry Bakugou, but I can’t do this, I cant raise a child, I know you’ll do a better job than I ever could taking care of him. Please don’t look for me, I don’t want anything to do with Rens life,

so please take care, Olivia”

Once again, Bakugou is left wide eyed, with his jaw on the floor,

“So what now?”

taglist:

@unicornlover25, @sam-i-am-1025

#bakugou x reader #bakugou #bakugou katuski x reader #bakugou katsuki #mha #my hero academia #bakugou x fem!reader #dad bakugou #bakugou fanfiction

[lubdubsworld]

Tumblr prompt ( Yoongi * OC)

Part 1         Part 2         Part 3       part 4         Part 5

[ i know that you guys probably wanted a nice confrontation of Yoongi finding out about his mistake and stuff, but I think it’s an overdone scene, probably something you’re read a lot of times. So , i decided to focus more on the two of them and how they move on. i’m sorry if it’s disappointing in any way. ]

Part 6

“ How is he, these days?” i said awkwardly, watching Namjoon add some sugar to his coffee. He was still dressed in his Hospital scrubs but clearly the cafe served better coffee than what he could get in the hospital so he looked happy enough.

“Y/N, why can you not be a normal bitter ex, spewing curses at the idiot? it should make things easier for everyone.”

“You and i both know Yoongi doesn’t deserve that. You’re his oldest , most trusted friend. Are you honestly telling me yoongi left me because he wanted to? i know him .... i know how he gets, alright? i know that he has a way of blaming himself for everything that goes wrong in the entire universe. All i wasnt is for a chance to get him back.” I said softly. 

Namjoon sighed. 

“i should never have told him about Jiyeon.” He said drily. “ if i hadn’t, he would have returned to you. He thinks he doesn’t deserve you anymore.” 

I hummed.

“Fine. what else can you tell me about him,right now?” 

“there’s nothing much to say. his mother wanted him to marry jiyeon. He refused. She threatened to fire him. He decided he would fire her instead. And now we’re here.” 

“I don’t think-”

“He’ll pull through. Don’t worry about him. “ 

“i know he’ll pull through. He always does. but that’s not what I want to know... Is he happy without me, Namjoon? If you tell me that he’s happy without me, i’ll drop this right now. i’ll stop contacting him, like everyone wants me to.”

“You’re dating Seokjin....”

I flinched. 

“it’s not... It isn’t anything even remotely serious. And that’s something I’ll deal with in my own time and...”

“Hyung think’s Seokjin is better for you than him. He thinks you really love Seokljin.”

the urge to kick Min Yoongi was growing by the minute. 

“He was the one who divorced me...” i hissed angrily.

“i think he regretted it almost immediately.”

“So why one earth didn’t he come back to me, immediately?” 

“You know how he gets...” Namjoon shrugged.

ugh. Yes. I knew how he got. Yoongi wasn’t a fighter. At least not for himself. He would fight death , his own body and everyone in the world to save a life, to do the right thing. But he would never fight for things he wanted for himself. 

in this case, me. 

“I love him. i know all of you think he doesn’t deserve it but i love him. i don’t think i can stop loving him. i already tried. I thought i’d succeeded even. but when i saw him last week... i just... I love Min Yoongi and nothing he does is going to change that.” i said miserably.

Namjoon gave me a sympathetic smile. 

“He’s going to fight you every step of the way.” He said softly. 

I nodded. 

“Not just him. My sister may kill me.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Tell me you’re joking.” My sister said calmly, watching as i carefully curled my lashes, the mascara dewy and perfect . 

“i’m an adult. I can make my own decision here.” i said with a shrug. 

“clearly not, if said decision involves going back to the man who fucking abandoned you when you needed him the most...”

“No. He didn’t abandon me. He made sure i got moved to my home town, to my mother and my sister who he knew would be able to take care of me.”

i hadn’t told my mother and sister about jiyeon or about what she’d done. it had been hard enough to come to terms with it on my own. They still thought Yoongi had left because he was a bastard. 

only i knew that Yoongi left because he thought that was what i’d want. or so i hoped. A part of me still balked at the idea of him actually not wanting me. But i wouldn’t think about that. 

i probably would have let it go if he hadn’t sent me those damn messages, i thought bleakly. 

They were yoongi’s version of a cry for help. I could hardly, in good conscience , ignore him. 

“ you’re insane.” My sister said, sounding defeated and I smiled.

“And you’re the best sister i could have evr had, unnie. but this time, i need to do this for myself.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“i’m going to kill someone.” i said through gritted teeth and Seokjin sighed.

“Please don’t. “

“they’re maligning him! They’re belittling everything he’s done.. they can’t just...”

“they’re reporters. Journalists. And they’re doing their job. Yoongi’s decision to pull out from his parents’ partnership is going to affect a lot of people.”

“But can’t they be civil about it...?!” i said miserably, staring up at the huge raised podium where Yoongi sat behind a table calmly addressing increasingly ridiculous question, each one shaped to sound like a backhanded insult. 

“Dr. Min, do you think innocent children should bear the brunt of your own personal tantrums with your parents?” one of the women said and i clenched my fists. 

“I’m sorry. The whole point of this conference is to make sure that doesn’t happen. i’m hoping that generous contributors will come forward to support the Hospital and it’s cause, so that children will not be affected by this.” Yoongi said softly, voice low and even . He was dressed in a white button down and a black jacket. Blue jeans , faded and worn and playful black sneakers made him look so much younger than his thirty years. i wanted to hug him so badly that i had to physically grip the chair and stop myself from launching myself at him. 

How he hated being in the spotlight. He hated socializing. Hated being interviewed. and yet here was , doing all of that. getting his very credibility torn down because of his vile, disgusting mother. 

“Is it true your wife divorced you because you couldn’t save your own child?” 

i froze in place. 

So did Yoongi. i saw the blood drain out of his face , leaving his pale as a parchment and I felt my own heart throb with disbelief and sheer unadulterated agony at how callously the woman said those words. 

“i... I’m not perfect, of course. i have lost patients before and yes, the loss of my own child was... difficult. i do take full responsibility for it. I hope she’ll forgive me for it and....”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I shouted, amazed that he wasn’t just shooting that woman down instead of actually apologizing.... 

“What..? Y/N?”

i couldn’t stop myself as I pushed my way past the other reporters, reaching the woman who had just opened her mouth ans said those words to him. 

“How many dying kids have you saved, Ms.. “ i glanced at her name tag .” Lee?” 

She blinked, looking shocked. 

“How many families have you offered free healthcare too. Hell, how many dollars of your money have you spent on charities that support kids? and yet,. here you stand accusing my husband of being a murderer, when in fact, you and your kind , spreading such filthy lies about this good man are indirectly contributing to the death of hundreds and thousands of children, right this minute! “ I snarled. 

She just stared at me, gaping and i felt a hand on my wrist yanking me hard and i turned around to see Yoongi.

“what the fuck are you doing here, Y/n?” He hissed and i glared at him. 

“standing up for you! the way you should be !!!  you don’t have to grovel in front of these idiots!!  Yoongi,  you’re a world class surgeon who has saved countless lives and these filthy mongrels are nothing but vermin at the bottle of a barrel. Tell me Miss Lee, how much did my mother in law pay you to spew such vile things about my husband?” 

“okay! that’s enough.. We’re leaving..” yoongi yanked on my arm and i glared at him but he wouldn’t let go.

“Come with me, you stupid woman. NOW!!” 

I let myself get dragged out of the place , aware of the flashing cameras and the furiously scribbling pens. 

i’d probably made everything worse but I wouldn’t regret it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You’re taking sleeping pills again? Why?” i said curiously, staring at the inside of his bedroom cabinet, while Yoongi stood awkwardly to the side. He was dressed in the white shirt and jeans having tossed his jacket , hair left in messy disarray, the gray tinged strands falling into his eyes and his skin pale underneath the garish white light. 

“Y/N...”

“whatever that woman said was nonsense, okay? it shouldn’t even be a question at this point but i’m telling you anyway. You’re not the one who’s to be blamed. i just...”

“Why are you here, Y/N?” He said tiredly, watching as i grabbed the last bottle of pills and peered at the label. 

“I already spoke to my agents. I’ve turned my exhibit into an auction. All the proceeds will go to your hospital. i don’t know if it will be a lot.. but i think it could really help. “ i said hastily.

yoongi stared at me. 

“What are you trying to do?” He said softly. 

“Just making sure i don’t misread a label and take the wrong pill. Like i did before.” i said softly.

He went very still next to me and i sighed. 

“Yoongi about what happened... jiyeon told me all about it. I don’t blame you for doing what you did...” i said softly and Yoongi shook his head. moving a bit away.

“it was all my fault... i ... i let her do that to you..” He said , voice cracking. 

 Jiyeon had been cruel, malicious but she had also had a conscience. But she had helped me understand that yoongi hadn’t left me because of the abortion. A part of me had wanted to take the first flight out to the UK just to explain what had happened to my oblivious, impulsive ex husband but i had held back, opting to tell Namjoon about it. i’d asked him to be discreet about it. 

and Namjoon had told Yoongi about it.

And then I’d waited for a year, waiting for yoongi to come to his senses and to come back. 

Except he never did. 

“i’m going to get her medical license cancelled.  I.. I know i should have guessed it earlier , i just never imagined she would.. do something so vile and disgusting. I wanted to kill her... i still do.. She doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as us.. She... ”

i moved to touch him but he looked stricken and i stopped, clenching my fingers in embarrassment. 

“Yoongi stop. it’s over. it was a long time ago. she apologized to me.” I said, recalling the absolute nightmare of a confession that I’d been treated to, right after I’d signed the divorce papers. 

“Apologized?!!” Yoongi shouted and i flinched. “ how could a fucking apology ever make up for what she did to us... She destroyed us.. She..”

“She did no such thing. If we really were good for each other we would have come out stronger , not fizzled and died!” i snapped , impatiently. He hesitated, looking torn and so guilty that i bit my lips.

“Yoongi, i know that we both screwed up. i wasn’t innocent either. i never saw that child as a .... child. i thought it would be a way to keep you with me... like a handcuff or soemthing. I was guilty of that... i didn’t even get that tests till i was nearly three months pregnant.... I was reckless... I...”

“You just trusted her! She was the one who should have had a bloody heart.. She killed our baby....!” He said brokenly and I felt my throat go dry. 

i opened my mouth to protest, but he wasn’t done.

“but more importantly, she nearly killed you..!! “ He took a deep breath. “ i never hated myself more, than when i saw you lying there on my operation table, fighting for your life because of how neglectful I’d been.”

“i’m fine. I’m here.” I said stupidly.

“it wasn’t even about the baby, Y/N... We could have had another one. You almost died! what if i lost you on that table?! I would have followed you right away...”

“Stop! oh my God.. Don’t even joke about something like that...!”

“You think I’m joking? You think i wouldn’t have done it? You think i wouldn;t have died for you? You don’t think i still would?! You’re.. You’re the most... fuck.. Yo’re the only one who matters... it’s always been you...”

I stared at him. 

“Don’t stay stuff like that, if you don’t mean it.” i said softly. 

“I... i mean it. Of course I do... I can’t even apologize because i don’t deserve your forgiveness.... “ 

I was so  sick  of that phrase. 

“Are you going to apologize, anyway?” I said stiltedly. 

“i don’t think i could ever dare to apologize. Not after what i did... I should have been there .. I should have helped you and...”

“Well, how can i forgive you if you can’t even apologize?” I said casually. 

Yoongi stopped short.

“What?”

“i forgive you. I do... You’re here and i just want to be with y-”

“No. Stop. Don’t! don’t finish that sentence! You don’t know what you’re asking for!. ” He said desperately and I reached out for him but he stepped back hastily.

“Yoongi...”

“you should leave...” 

And there he was, pushing me away, all over again. Why was it so damn hard to love this man.!! What kind of sins had my past self committed to be stuck with this man?!

“i’m not leaving. Why should i... You just said that you care about me... You fucked up, yes. You hurt me. you can spend the rest of your life making it up to me but make no mistake, you  are  spending the rest of your life with me. i refuse to settle for anything else, after all the crap you put me through,. “ 

Yoongi continued to stare at me. 

“i’ll hurt you.” He whispered. 

i felt relief flood through me. He was caving. I knew it. 

“i know.” I said softly, stepping closer and lightly grabbing his hand, taking it up to my waist. His arms curled around my body and i felt my bones turn to ash in sheer want. 

“I’m not... I’m such a shitty husband... I’ll probably hurt you in so many ways and...”

“just kiss me.” 

“Y/N.. i don’t deserve you.” He said softly.

“No. but you have me. And i’m not leaving. ” 

i moved forward, capturing his lips with mine.

Author’s note : there will be one more part , just to tie things up nicely. Do you guys want some smut?. kekeke... 

#yoongi smut #yoongi fics #yoongi fanfics

[mywrittendevices]

Alexi had walked into that library and felt instant relief, although she wasnt in Milptas, this library had an ir of familiarity that the santa clara library does, the bright chairs, the open windows and the inviting seemingly endless rows and rows of books 

At that moment she didnt care what B rad, Brad, had to say t that moment- he brought her pain and right now she wasnt in the mood to feel pain. Right now she had to find out what happened in Greece between Em and Dex in her book One day. 

She had given him too much of her effort these last few days and wanted to keep some things to herself. She was in her habitat, reading the twenty something experiences of em and Dex made her realize everyone felt lost sometimes, Em had a dead end job serving burritos that she absolutely hated. She served enchiladas to white rich people on the beach in reality they werent so different after all. 

Her books made her realize she wasnt alone in the world, they reminded her that if she wanted to try new things and to live, she had a thousand lives at the palm of her hands. 

She looked at him. he was handsome, full lips, wavy full hair, strong forearms. He told her about his brother, how his family doesnt think the relationship is going to work out 

She remembered their conversation earlier that day, ow she had made him promise that if he broke up with her to please do it gently, she thought she would handle that better, something about the surprise of abandonment, perhaps it wasnt a surprise, she could always feel him pulling away slowly whille her desperation creeped up on her slowly eating her, consuming every inch of her mind 

please dont leave, I love you 

those were the only words that she could manage coming into her head every time he left, she seemingly couldnt breathe anymore 

but today was different, today she had books on her side, she had her best friend, her closest confidont there besides her, in fact she thought she could do pretty well alone in the library for a few days, that would definitely help here get here mental health back on track. Just a few days to escape the constant chasm of never ending uncomfortable thoughts- 

never ending uncomfortable thoughts- 

she thought about the girl at the gas station, and how he was on his way to the gym right now, she thought about how pretty she was, that was the only thing she could seem t remember about her, its been half a year and somehow her head was still flooded with those thoughts- she tried to resist the urge but the words spilled out of her mouth without meaning to

‘the gas s-station’ she started with looking down at her hands “ I know its on the way to the gym’ 

Iven never gone back he responded and she knew this was a lie, maybe itw as or maybe it wasnt but she had seen thier hundreds of text messages the next day, the way he dropped her like it waas nothing- like she was nothing. Thats the way he made fher feel.Like nothing. She knew they had talked again, she didnt know if they ever met up but he wanted to talk to her without the guilt of dealing with Alexi. she knew that. The conversation with them as dry, maybe there wasnt much there but physical attraction, perhaps she knew this too.But no matter what he told her it didnt matter, that was always going to be an insecurity, she wsaw the way he stopped and accidntly stared when a woman that was beautiiful walked by, he tried to hideit but she would catch his glance, she felt small. no matter all the compliments, she was pretty but just not pretty enough and that one she knew to be true. 

Books made her feel like she ccould do anything, they made her feel less alone and see the world in a different light, so right now it was less about the gas station girl and more about em. 

He looked at her, tired and defeated, she asked this question all the time, Alexi weve talked about this, Ive literally lived this before honey, I dont want to keep doing the same thing. Se grabbed his hand reassuringly, a reminder that they were still on teh same team but he pulled away, Im just so tired he said. 

He had already broken up with her twice that week and had had a panic attack for the first time in years- no matter how much time passed by she didnt care, those panic attacks always made her feel like a little girl, on edge, hopeless and nervous, she hated bringing herself to the child like state where she called him 50 times in a row 

She then realize she had to get better at emotional regulation for when he leaves again, he always doesnt anyways, whats the point of trying to get him to stay,he has shown time and time again hot sick of her he can get, if he was going to leave again let him, right now she had a book she wanted to tend to, she just wanted a way to let her mind escape for a bit, she wanted to d this with soemthing other than weed. 

She wanted to find a way to dig herself out of the hole he left her in - no it was a hole she   happily climbed int throwing everything away for a shot of this relationship, but he always did the same thing. She was just so tired of allways being discarded by this boy and she realized in that instant how easy it was for him t throw her away. consistently and casually and she hated him for it. 

You cant be surpprised the next time this happens she told herself the pattern is already there.

She got to the library and refused to open her laptop, right now she just wanted to read, put those thoughts away and open your book. She wanted to tend to herself right now, he could do whatever he wanted to