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dressedupkiss · 3 years

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84 days

12 weeks until March 2021.

Twelve weeks doesn’t sound like much.

But I don’t have much to do in my days so the time goes by sort of slowly but at a decent pace. I don’t have any habitual places to go or things to do.

Sometimes I play guitar and ukulele, I sing every now and then each day, I listen to music, I browse the internet...

Sometimes I go for walks but not much in winter time like now. I meditate and burn plan material, sometimes smudging sometimes smoking. I watch movies sometimes.

I lay in my bed basically all day long. Some days I will exercise for around an hour. But most of the time I feel like laying down. I do my laundry and dishes. I keep my place tidy as I can with all these random things.

I won’t be having any visitors anytime soon. My best friend stayed for over a week and left yesterday evening. I’m gonna be alone for a few weeks until Christmas dinners start happening. I’ll get money for Christmas from my dad and I’m not gonna get much from anyone but I don’t mind. It’ll be a chill Xmas this year.

It’s the 7th Monday and on Wednesday I get the dreaded injection again. Oh well. I had a bad dream about having to take another med and it was really stupid, it’s like a hospital and my elementary school and people are bothering me about my health. But there was a sexy lady turning me on so that felt good. She was a redhead and really beautiful.

I’m gonna try to spend lots of money on my MasterCard this month and next month. My friend gave me money for staying here so that covers my Mc payment. I spend $70 extra dollars this month so far though and I usually don’t do that. Oh well.

I just paid 120 on my mc and I have $394 for 20 more days this month. I’ll have free food a few times for early Xmas dinner and on Xmas dinner and I’ll stay at my moms and get fed on Boxing Day too. And my dad will give me money so I’ll have $19 a day for food and any money my dad gives me I will save for my MasterCard.

I’m at $1006 and now $886 but there is about $11 in interest each month so $897 I’ll be at. Hopefully I can spend another hundred on it later this month or next month. I’ll save it for January. And in January I get gst cheque of $160 so I’ll save that for February.

Feb and March will be low fund months cuz I only get $484 a month for all my bills and food and I have to put $120 on my Mc each month at least. So that’s $364 for food in feb and March. Hopefully my dad will get my groceries again for those months.

And then in April I will get $160 gst again which will help and I’ll put it all on my Mc.

I will be paid off by July next year by paying my most reasonable amount and not overdoing it. I should be saving my money to put every little extra bit on my mc but if I just have until summer to have to keep paying I think that will be okay.

I won’t have much extra spending money for the whole summer but I guess I will have to manage. Hopefully my dad buys me groceries and that lasts me all month long so I can buy little extra things here and there. I like spending my money on cool things and treating myself.

I’m glad I’ll be debt free next year. I spent $105 while Joel stayed with me. I bought cds and a sweater and random snacks here and there. At least it was only a hundred but that’s still a lot. Joel’s influence has me spending my dough. But they gave me $150 so I guess I spent my extra. And I paid my Mc and I still have a reasonable amount for food. Roughly $20 a day isn’t bad for a month. And I’ll get Xmas food.

If I can go the rest of this week without buying anything I’ll have a lot extra money. I’ll have to eat rice and soup and such. I have bananas and apples and not much of an appetite. So it should work out. I might even have extra for my Mc which would be awesome.

I want to pay it off before July, maybe I will get lots of birthday money in April and I can use that on it. That would be so nice to spend summer with all my extra money, having my full $484 for everything. I shouldn’t have spent money on random bullshit in earlier months this year but I guess I wasn’t thinking. I remember wasting $70 on clothes I don’t need. Oh well.

I’ve wasted a lot of money on clothes in my life. I’m doing better now but still spending on cds and stuff but I need these cds cuz they are super important music to me. Even though I won’t have a lot of extra spending money I’ll still spend money on things. I try to buy low money food and not eat out much. I think everything will work out and I’ll be paid off before July. I’m excited to be debt free, I will feel so proud.

Joel gets me into money issues kind of. They had $1500 to themselves this month and they’ve already spent almost all of it and it’s only the 7th. They really know how to waste money. I know how to spend and still save and not spend when I’m getting low. If I had $1500 to myself without having to pay rent I would have paid off my credit cards. I’m glad I only have the one credit card.

I’m waiting for my hair to grow and for my Mc to be paid off. I don’t have much else to wait for. I don’t know what kinds of fun things will be happening in springtime summertime because of covid. I wonder if they will solve the virus and everyone can go back to normal. I’m not afraid of the virus and I want to meet new people. But all in due time.

I’m alone a lot but I need to be. Having one best friend who is spiritually inclined and Métis and two spirited is fulfilling enough for my social life. I don’t need much socialization. I like the peace and quiet of the world. I like meditating and praying and being silent and chilling out. I don’t like bullies or loud mouths or rude people. I don’t like dirty stinky people that want to ruin a pure persons clean. I like being clean. I’m also wild and respectful. I love nature and nature loves me. I’m ready for the spring.

I’m gonna be on social assistance for a few more years probably. I don’t know how or where I’ll get a part time job eventually but that will probably be good for me. I just want to keep chilling out for now though.

I get all my time to myself to do whatever I want. That’s a blessing of mine. I’m never bothered by anyone and nobody expects any responsibilities of me except myself. I gotta keep my clothes and dishes clean and bedsheets and body. I have good hygiene and I’m attractive and in decent shape. I’ve got extra tummy poundage but it’s ok it’s not that bad but it’s not the best.

I’m very comfortable and I feel good here. The breeze kisses me and I have a spirit with me that encourages me to feel my best. When I look in the mirror I see beautiful eyes and a nice face. I like myself.

I still dream of Laura a bit but I know I’ll have to wait for death or a miracle day to have any time with her. She completely disregarded my need for love and hurt me deeply. She still looks fun and beautiful but she is not that way to me. Only in my visions is she kind and giving. When I die I will have a lot of satisfying conversations.... in my dreams last night there was a sort of video game with Laura in a car and she was in a wheelchair too and I laughed at her for having a problem in life. Some part of me wants her to have a hard time cuz she made me have such difficult moments for so many years. Her consciousness is riddled with drugs and abuse and she hurt my soul deeply. When I am dead and she is dead I will have a comforting interaction with her and she will probably see why I am fun to love too.

It hurts a lot to find someone fun to love and they don’t feel like loving you back. It hurts a heck of a lot. She was the most elegant beautiful skin I had ever witnessed up close and I fell deeply for her in a way I’ve never experienced before; I lost consciousness yet I was still awake when I fell in love with Laura. I had so many beautiful visions of her... I wondered why nobody else ever could tell how beautiful my love for her was. And I loved her for 8 years. I now feel like I can wait for death or a miracle before I get to talk to her for real.

She made me feel like my life doesn’t mean anything. I felt judged to an insane degree. Slander swarming the air around me, hatred and disgust, rumours and disrespect. There are a lot of angry people in this city of Saskatoon and I dealt with a lot of their inner thoughts about me. Good thing I always know I’m gorgeous and strong and a healer and mighty and beautiful because their slander was unwarranted yet I had to witness it and get through it with a positive new day in my future.

I’ll get to eat sleep and breathe calmly for the next 3 years on social assistance. I wonder when I’ll be weaned off the injection.

Life doesn’t have a lot going on and it is easy. You welcome death and people help you. Be brave enough to suffer and aid will come. For how alone I am, I am still not alone. The spirits bless me and I am kept safe. I have my own family here and my brother died so my life can be more safe with his protection. I fell in love with Laura because love is protective too and the angels blessed me in Laura’s beautiful vision and I got through the toughest part of my life so far.... getting a home to myself.

I am left alone to rumerate and soak up my peace. Nobody has a lot of time for me except my best friend sometimes but she has her own issues and can’t be by my side every time.

I am on a spirit walk to find the nature that needs me.

I’m not close with my mom anymore because she wants me to be feminine and I’ve always been masculine; I feel disrespected by her and it hurts me deeply.

I’m not close with my step dad because he doesn’t like homosexuals and since I came out of the closet I know he has an issue with me.

I’m not close with my dad because he is sick and says horrible things and expects everything to be fine forever. He has serious emotional issues and doesn’t deal with them and he abuses drugs and alcohol and I don’t have any respect for that person.

I don’t like my dads girlfriend because she doesn’t understand what I am and she assumes disgusting things and has a sick understanding of the world. She judges my life and she wastes hers away. I don’t respect her either.

My living triplet brother has shown me time after time that he takes my power away when I am weak and he weakens me more so he can be dominant. He doesn’t respect me and I don’t feel safe around him. He isn’t a good guy and I don’t admire his way of life. He has let me down too many times for me to keep a true love for him.

My older brother is a hermit and never contacts me and he seems like a pussy and he doesn’t enjoy being a man. I lost my communication with him years ago when I was having stressful mental times. Everyone in the family judges me now because I am the crazy one.

My best friend spends time with me out of their convenience and gets me to help them with stuff and we don’t hang out to hang out it’s always to fix some issue in their life. They don’t have the energy to talk to me about what I want to talk about so I feel stepped on and disregarded by them. They say they love me and I know they do but they also don’t have a lot of time for me. I am quiet and calm so they assume I have nothing to do and nowhere to want to be. They are a loud busy person and conceited and annoying and repetitive and they think I’m a pussy but I think they are too. We fight sometimes because they’re not true best friend material for me but they’re all I have. I don’t have a deep thinking artist friend. I don’t have a fun loving musician friend. I just have a self hating erratic friend that doesn’t respect me a lot of the time but is impossible to see that. I am challenged to stick up for myself most times I see them and that’s not a friendship situation. That’s a bully. But they’re all I have for social life so I take what they say with a grain of salt and I enjoy them and their dog as much as I can. They’re still a person that cares about me, they just have a lot of self centred habitual thinking that bothers me.

I don’t have anyone else in my life. My family doesn’t feel like family anymore for years now and I only have one okay friend that my family doesn’t like. So I have no beautiful woman today, I have no beautiful best friend.

I have issues with people and I have a lot of alone time. I feel hurt by everyone and I need to find someone who appreciates me for me.

Time will tell who in this city will fall for me.

I will be respected one day.

And I will live every day until I die.

I probably have over 25000 days to live if I die of old age. That’s a thousand days 25 times over. I have a lot of days to get through.

And the sun will shine and the birds will sing and the fluffy kitties and puppies will play. And the world will be okay. And people will heal.

It is a good life.

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