#homework is really hard to do in a home environment so im just gonna go to the fucking library

[tapewormoffthestring]

dude i need the library to be open because i just figured out my foolproof way to get homework done

#homework is really hard to do in a home environment so im just gonna go to the fucking library #when im in tenth grade im just gonna go there they better be open #its like. close enough to a school environment that it can trick my brain into thinking im in school and can do schoolwork #i am so smart so so smart

[queenreginascontour]

idk how to ask this without sounding like a loser rat bitch, so here goes nothing. i go back to my college in the beginning of august for my soph year but i really don’t want to go back. i feel like i didn’t make any friends and it honestly fucking sucks bc i go to a SEC school so i feel totally invisible. at first it was fine bc i could focus a lot on my schoolwork but then it started affecting my mental health. i feel so stupid sending this but i literally don’t have anywhere else to go. (1)

i know you’re in college too and you seem like you have friends and your shit together. in general i honestly respect you and i don’t want to talk to my family or home friends about this bc i feel like a little kid. idk. idk what i’m even asking for i just want this to end. (2/2)

hey anonty.. first of all im sorry 4 answering this so late but like i said, i didnt want to answer it on mobile LMAO but ok im gonna try to give the best advice i can give and i truly hope it helps u.. ok we know by know that asking me for advice just turns into storytime so im butting this under the cut bc idk how long it will be:

let me first clarify that i absolutely do not have my shit together, and that’s ok. i dont think anyone really does. im a rising sophomore as well, and for the first few months of first semester, i genuinely thought that i would never find real friends in college. not to suck my own dick, but ive always been someone who just has a lot of friends (not in like a bitchy, mean girls popularity way). a lot of different kinds of people just kind of gravitate towards me.. i dont rly know why, but because of it, ive never really had an issue with not having friends. however, i also have never really had to go out of my way to make friends, either. this proved to be my issue in the beginning of first semester. once again, not to suck my own dick, and probably to ur surprise if u regularly see my blog, people know me as a smart person. ive always performed very well academically and maintaining that has always been a priority for me. obviously, this attitude continued in college, but (kind of like u said), i think i got a little too into it and i used studying and homework as a hiding place because at my core, i was scared to go and make the effort to make friends. im sure u rly dont care about my personal life and im sorry for writing this all but what im trying to say is cliche but.. put urself out there. if u just go from class to class to the library to ur room, there is literally no way for you to meet people. once i started just like, joining clubs and getting an internship and even just going to the common room in my dorm building, i found my people. what’s funny to me is that my closest friends thus far just came to me out of nowhere, like my friends from the past.. like i literally do not know how we became friends. the law of attraction is real thots…….

one other cliché: be yourself. i am such a firm believer that it is impossible to make real connections with people if u present them with a modified version of yourself. i am a very transparent person. how u see me act on here is how i act in front of others. half my dorm from last yr knows i want to fuck a cars character, and that’s how you find your true friends and how your true friends find you. another anecdote u dont want to hear: my roommate came into college not wanting to drink or get involved in the party scene in any way. she was also very insecure. for context: my school is not a “party school” by any definition, although some act like it LMAO. obv people go out once in a while but nobody goes too hard, nobody parties on weekdays, and there are so many other things to do off campus that going out seems kind of stupid. however, my roommate felt like she had to drink and frequent the house parties in order to have a social life. it was literally the saddest fuckign thing to watch. she spiraled into someone she didnt want to be and i had to save her from many a sticky situation. she put herself out there, but she put a fake version of herself out there. im rambling again, but just.. dont be my roommate.. stay true to urself

finally, i dont know your situation, and i would definitely put a lot of thought into this, but transferring is an option. you said you go to an sec school- maybe that’s the issue. maybe a smaller school is a better fit for you. i truly love my school more than i thought that i would, and i want you to share that feeling. if you continue to feel invisible and trapped- most importantly, if it continues to affect your mental health- please, try to transfer. my roommate did consider transferring until she realized that she was being disingenuous and turned herself around. it is important for you to find at least one person at school you can turn to, especially if you feel like the environment is eating away at you. i assume it’s too late to start the transfer process for this semester if you’re going back in august, but stick it out for at least part of the semester and really try to find your niche. if you can find your niche, i guarantee that you will find your people. also, im.. idk.. humbled ? that u turned to me for help, but please, talk to your family. as a bitch who has too much pride and bottles shit up, i know it can be hard. but they know you better than anyone and they can probably help you better than i can. 

i love you, and i hope everything works out. keep me updated, and know im here anytime u need to talk

#ask #oof this got rambly im sorry if ur on mobile i promise i put a read more i tried #OH also i meant to put this in the first part but #part of the point of that is that ur def not alone and #there are 100% people out there in ur school who are inthe same situation #and like #it's college #everyone wants friends #and even if u talk to someone and ur not their best friend #they introduce u to people and one of them can be ur best friend #everyone is like.. a tree of people #branches #etc #now i just sound insane

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

#tag thing #aaaa god that was so fun but a bit time consuming tbh lol

[justemotionalabusethings]

What is your abuse story? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I know it's a sensitive topic for people.

This is gonna be a huge post (I’ll break up the paragraphs so that it’s less overwhelming to look at/read) so it’s under the cut

Okay before my parents even come into the story, there is a brief cocsa story. When I was in kindergarten, there was this boy on my bus in third grade, we’ll call him B. B was one of those “cool kids” (maybe because he was older?) but also he was one of those kids who was loud and annoying. well he started to try to befriend me and he was a bad influence. we used to sit on the bus seats with out backs where our butts would be and vice versa so our legs were sticking up past the seat. we used to crouch in the foot space where your feet or backpack should go. 

we switched seats (that wasn’t allowed). well this kid B also told me a bunch of things, like that I was “hot” and “sexy”. naturally, as a six year old, i didn’t know what the hell that meant but i figured it was good. then one day, he asked if he could touch me down there and i’m pretty sure i was hesitant at first, but then i let him. i still remember what it felt like. im not sure how long passed, or if any time passed, but he asked me again, and i said no. now, this happened toward the end of the school year and in the school i was in third grade was the oldest so he was “graduating” soon. he used this as a means to convince me, saying “i’m only gonna be here for another few days! pleasssseeee” and eventually i gave in, but i didn’t like it. 

So um I would pinpoint the Beginning of it all with my parents as around the time my brother was born when I was 7 years old. I can remember feeling less important and annoying whenever I would try to help my parents with my brother. Usually, they’d just dismiss me and brush me off. For example, my mom would call my brother cute little nicknames like “oodley boodley” and “bugaboo” and stuff like that, so I caught on and started calling him “oodley boodley”. 

I said it All The Time and I guess it got annoying because they’d tell me to stop (and they still talk about how annoying I would say it and how often it was). That hurt my feelings I guess because I was just trying to be a part of this new “brother” thing (but I see what they meant). But generally things were fine, just different. A couple years later in fourth grade I switched schools because my elementary school went up to third grade and my parents thought I’d learn better in a smaller classroom environment. 

That was hard but not because of my parents. I do remember being worried about my grades and what my parents would think. I also think fourth grade was the year I started to feel unusually anxious. I remember that year I also had some drama happen where I wrote on one of the desks “4A (my class) rocks not 4B (the other class)” and there was this whole drama of who did it. I never got in trouble for it though! By fifth grade I had started to procrastinate my work and I can remember being yelled at for it. 

One time, I forgot my textbook to do some kind of homework or studying that was due the next day. They got so mad at me and lectured/ranted about it for a Long Time. This sort of thing happened a lot because I’d procrastinate projects or studying and they’d get Mad about it. The majority of the abuse (if that’s what this is) was ranting/lecturing for at least an hour where mainly my dad (sometimes my mom would join in) would rant about how “mind-boggling” or “insane” it was that I just didn’t learn from my mistakes or whatever. 

I’d usually cry whenever I’d try to stand up for myself or even just talk to them. The night (because this sort of thing usually happened at night) would end with me in my room crying or just sitting on my bed thinking about what happened. It also became a “joke” that at 10 pm each night I’d come downstairs to talk. So when I came down to talk about something serious my dad would always go “Oh, what time is it? Oh, it’s 10 pm, here’s Meg right on time!” and that would make me feel bad. A lot of the time I would come downstairs during my parents’ designated “TV Time” and I wasn’t allowed to interrupt that. 

If I did, it was annoying and a bother and I was treated like a laundry list. Like, “okay, what else do you want? What else?” and so on. So my concerns weren’t really taken as real or important. This got worse and worse as middle school went on, and I can remember during seventh and maybe eighth grade not wanting to go home. I would cry very often and we’d fight very often too. The times when I’d yell back only escalated the situation and made my dad yell more and tell me that he could feel his blood pressure rising. He’d say that one day he’d die of a heart attack because of me. 

My mom would usually try to mediate or calm my dad down, but she got upset at me for making him get upset. I remember one time in eighth grade, this girl at my school looked out her window and saw a man peering in and she didn’t come to school for a few days. That made me scared to open my window or sleep, and when I told my parents this, they only said “there’s no one out there, you’ll be fine” and made me go back upstairs to sleep. Also during middle school, I started showing a talent for golf, and my parents tried to make me play so I could improve and become a better golfer. 

Golf made me anxious though, and whenever I tried to tell my dad that he said it’s insane to think that someone with a talent would dislike whatever it was they were talented at. He cited examples from his childhood where he was talented at drums and would play as often as possible. I felt like I was a bad person for wasting my talent. I also didn’t have any word to describe how I felt (it was anxiety) so that was even more alienating. 

I did my first competitive tournament and cried the whole time and texted my mom begging her to take me home. She didn’t let me because my golf coach told her that’s what a lot of kids did. I don’t think that was the right choice though. Also throughout middle school I found myself trying to be my teachers’ favorite (not to the extreme of teachers’ pet but more like secretly hoping) for some reason. I think I know why now, but I’m not sure. I think it’s because I wanted some kind of normal adult attachment figure (?) but I’m not sure. 

By high school I was a full-on perfectionist and my grades freshman year reflected that. I got straight A’s. My parents were so proud because I also made High Honors’ Dean’s List. I can imagine that we probably fought a lot that year too, but I don’t have any memories of that. Sophomore year was one of the worst years of my high school years because I started to get depressed. My classes were Much Harder than freshman years’, and I started to do badly in some classes. 

I think I did do well overall, but it was the first time I’d ever not cared when I failed a test. I did worry about what my parents would say though, so I hid the test(s) from them. Sophomore year I also tried to quit the swim team because, again, I had this awful feeling (anxiety, but I didn’t know it then) every time I stepped into the pool room. I told my parents this, and they told my coaches and friends, who convinced me to join again. We fought this year too (lectures/rants, etc.) but I don’t have many explicit memories of that. I also started to be late for school every day, and my second period health class teacher asked my parents during parent-teacher conferences if there was something going on at home. 

My parents were upset at me for making him think that because I was just lazy and needed to get out of bed in the mornings. I started therapy this year too because my parents were worried. I was NOT a fan at all. I resisted so hard and I’m pretty sure my therapist thought that there was something going on at home. She said (and still says) that I was like an extension of my parents, like another limb or something, when she first met me. I would always say “I don’t know” to everything and would tear up in session a lot (even though I thought she couldn’t see that, she did). 

Junior year and the end of sophomore year were really hard because we started to look at colleges and my parents started to get all nervous that we were behind in the college process. I had multiple people telling them otherwise, but they still were very on edge about college. We had to plan the financial stuff, write my college essay, apply for colleges, choose which colleges to apply to, and fine tune all the applications. It was a long process and it caused a lot of fights when I didn’t do it how they wanted me to. 

Again, I procrastinated this stuff, because it made me anxious, and this caused more fighting. I can remember one summer (I think it was the summer before my junior year) we talked about what colleges to apply to and the financials and stuff and since I’m studying psychology I’m gonna have to go to grad school so my parents were talking about the cost of college and grad school and all the debt I’d be in and it really overwhelmed me. I started to go to my room and my dad said something like “So you’re just gonna run away to your room now? Okay.” and my mom eventually let me. 

Also junior year was the year that my advisor/college guidance counselor/swim coach noticed that I was different from previous years and he kept asking if I was okay. My parents didn’t want me to tell him or my other swim coach about my therapy or anxiety (I didn’t think I had depression at this point). By the end of junior year I had my first draft of my college essay written, and it was a letter to my parents talking about my anxiety and trying to make them see things how I saw them. 

Eventually, I changed my essay senior year after I re-read it and had a huge “yikes” moment. Senior year was rough because my “friends” started to be even more bitchy towards me (I won’t get into that but long story short they were NOT my friends and they contributed negatively to my mental health). I finally quit the swim team senior year (my parents were disappointed because they enjoyed watching me swim and going to meets, and they wanted to see what my coaches would say about me at the end of the year during the “honoring the seniors” part of the last home meet). 

By junior and senior year, my parents and I’s fighting got less bad because of therapy, but we had our bad moments. This time, it wasn’t huge blowup fights with crying and yelling, it was passive aggressive comments that would make me feel like shit. By the spring of senior year everything was happy and much better because I was graduating and I saw my idol in NYC in a play. I actually invited my mom to see it with me and she said no because she had no interest and thought I just wanted her to pay for my ticket. 

That made me feel awful. And, she also made me feel like shit for spending the money and going to the play after that. I had a project due soon after and she told me that my project looked “half-assed” because I went to the play. Then freshman year of college things were okay. They were Much Better because I was away from home, but a few things happened during the year. I got a tattoo (a semicolon on my left wrist) and I told my parents and they were upset and my mom said she was embarrassed. 

She didn’t want my brother to know because then he’d tell his friends and people would know. I eventually told him and they changed their minds about telling him so it was better, but that still hurt. I also went to NYC with some friends they didn’t like for spring break instead of to the beach (and it was freezing cold during spring break) with my college friends. They flipped out and told me how disappointed they were and that “how could I not see I was making the wrong decision??”. 

So overall, things have gotten better but I don’t think this is very normal. Thanks if you’ve read the whole thing, I know that was long as hell. I also still don’t know if this is considered abusive, but this is my story no matter what. 

#asks #anon #tw: cocsa #tw: siblings #tw: parents #tw: emotional abuse #tw: yelling #tw: crying #tw: cursing #tw: abuse #personal #tw: genitals #my story