#he pretended that it wasn't his fault i still flinch when someone moves too quickly near me.

[the-woild-is-y-erster]

headphone emoji. i cannot be arsed finding it.

real.

im gonna shuffle my playlist for a fic im writing so bear with me

you got Brother by Madds Buckley

yes i am aware this is a mha fan song

no i dont care

no i dont watch mha

anywhizzle

fav lyrics are

"and i left you alone/in a house not a home/and i watched the burning grow as my hair filled with gray"

i really love this song because my brother is leaving for college either this fall or early spring, and i havent thought of my house as home in years because of my parents and my brother and him bein the favorite.

so it feels like from the pov of an older sibling leaving their younger siblings in an abusive house, an if that aint my brother n i, i dunno what is.

#eel gets asks! #it makes me cry every time i listen to it #because my brother and i were super super close when we were little #and when we moved when i was a kid it like #changed somethin in him #and he hated me. #and i dont even mean like 'oh youre my sibling and i hate you but i still love you because we're siblings' #i mean he despised me for the next three or four years. #he would hit me and leave his belts purposely on the bathroom floor so i would step on the buckle and get hurt #if i tried anything back it was always straight to ma with a '[redacted] hit me!!!! moooooom!!!!' #i couldnt even defend myself without getting hurt even worse next time. #he pushed me off our swingset one time and i almost broke my arm #couldnt move it for a week after #but one day he just. acted like we were brothers again. #like everything was fine and he never beat me #he pretended that it wasn't his fault i still flinch when someone moves too quickly near me. #and i guess we've gotten close again #but there is so. so much i dont know about him. #and he's my brother. i would do anything for him. #but i will never forget what he did when we were kids and how he treated me. #my dad despises his brother #apparently he did something reeeeeally bad to my dad when they were kids #i dunno he only talks abt it when hes drunk and i hate bein around him when hes drunk #but im so scared that's what me n elliot are gonna be like. #because he always talks abt his future and what he's gonna do when he 'finally gets out of this dump' #but i am gonna miss him so. #so. #much. and i will never fully forgive him for those years. #but i also won't forget the years when we were happy. #when we would play with our stuffed animals together and hide in the cabinets in the nursery and play shadow puppets

[iriel3000]

I Won’t Leave Your Side

Summary: Clint Barton is having nightmares after Loki's attack and it is physically affecting Natasha. What will Agent Romanov have to endure to help her partner?

Trigger warnings: discussion of physical harm, swearing, happy ending

Part 3 of 3

Just before dawn, Clint started to stir. Natasha cautiously snuggled down next to him, pretending to be asleep. He rolled her toward him and stroked her hair. She gave her best sleepy morning impression when he kissed her on the nose.

“Thank you for staying with me last night. I’m going to the range for a while. Stay here and sleep okay?”

She nodded and pulled the blanket over her, hearing the door click as he left.

Natasha blissfully slept for a couple of hours but then woke with a start.

“Jarvis, where is Agent Barton?” She asked to the air.

“Agent Barton is at the firing range with Mr. Stark.” Natasha sighed with relief knowing he was with others.

“Thank you, Jarvis.” The soothing computer voice oddly made her feel better.

Groaning as she stood from the bed, Natasha hopped in the shower to let the hot water soothe her aching muscles. She closed her eyes, losing track of time. When she opened them, the room was filled with steam.

Cursing, she quickly ran through her normal routine, wanting to be out and dressed before Clint came back.

As she stepped out and wrapped the towel around her, he walked in. The look on his face made her stomach sink.

“Nat?” His voice was strangled as he slowly approached her.

Natasha winced for being so lax. She said nothing as Clint took in the purple and blue marks he could see on her arms and shoulders. Her long red hair was covering most of her neck, thankfully.

His eyes held so many questions.

“Remaining bruises from New York. They’re nothing.” She said nonchalantly, reaching for her clothes.

“Don’t lie to me.” His tone was harsh, but not his touch. Clint stopped her and slowly untucked the towel. His breath hitched when it dropped, revealing the rest of her contusions.

Tasha watched, in the reflection of the mirror, as Clint brought his hand to her waist, trying to figure out how her injuries happened. He gently ran his hand over her hips and thighs, as if to erase the bruises.

There was nothing sexual in his touch. It would have been easier if there was. She would prefer to distract him with sex. Not this, not this kind of tenderness for her, when he was the one suffering.

As Hawkeye brought his hand round, he stopped and frowned.

He placed his fingertips where the small bruises were on her hip. They aligned with the spans of his hand. Natasha's heart pounded in her chest, he wasn’t supposed to see this.

Clint looked at his shaking hands, then at Natasha's neck. He moved her hair aside, placing a hand delicately on her throat. Once again, the pattern of bruises matched the width of his fingers and thumb. Natasha didn't flinch or make a move. She wanted to show she was not afraid of him, that she never could be.

“Oh Christ, it wasn't a dream was it? I did this to you.” He voice broke in revelation.

“No, I’m fine.”

“”Please, Nat! Look at you! I can't trust myself around you.” He tried to back away but she wouldn’t let him. “Why didn't you tell me what happened?”

“It's nothing.”

“I choked you in my sleep?!”

“No, you could never hurt me.”

“I have! I did...God, your neck. Look at you!”

“Don't.” She ordered, keeping a tight hold on him.

“He made me try to kill you and now this….”

“Not the first time someone has ordered you to kill me.” She reminded him with an arched brow, relaxing her grip on him.

Clint calmed down a little, shutting his eyes and putting his forehead to hers, sucking in deep breaths.

“But I had the choice that time.”

Natasha put her arms around his neck.

“You had the opportunity in the detention level, but didn’t take it. It gave me hope that you were fighting him on the inside.”

His head snapped up. She continued explaining.

“In level 3. When you got hold of my knife. I switched my stance to see if you would strike.”

Clint’s face drained of color.

”Damn you, Romanov.”

“You could have knifed me in the heart but instead you make an amateur move and pull my hair? I knew, at that moment, I had a chance. You were still in there, and that maybe, I could bring you back....to me.”

He sighed, cupping her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

“You did bring me back. But you still have to fight me off at night? No. No, you have to leave, Nat. You can’t stay here anymore.”

Natasha would never admit how much those words hurt.

“What if it had been me?” She asked. “What if I had been the one Loki took control of? What if I was the one that attacked Fury, and you?”

She knew the answer but still asked, needing to hear him say it.

“If I was compromised by Loki, would you leave me?”

He stiffened.

“Never. You know I wouldn’t.”

“Then don’t you dare ask me to leave you.”

Clint continued to stare at the bruises on her neck.

“They’ll fade. No one needs to know about this.” She said, stepping aside to throw on her clothes.

“I’ll tell them.”

Natasha knew he meant the evaluators.

“You need to focus on what happened to you with Loki.”

“I need to leave,” he said pointing to her neck, “this happened because I couldn’t control myself.”

Finally showing her frustration, Natasha raised her voice. She could feel herself staring to lose control.

“No! This happened because I couldn’t stay up. It’s my fault, I let things get too far. I'm sorry. I should have been awake for you. None of this would have happened if I kept watch like I was supposed to.”

Her voice cracked at the end. The thought of him leaving was going to send her over the edge. She was failing, and the consequences would be worse than any physical torture she's ever been through.

Clint took her gently by the arms.

“Hey. It is not your fault and you can’t stay awake with me every night.” He pointed out, pushing the wet hair from her face, cupping her cheek.

“I can and I will.” She retorted, rather childlike.

Knowing it was a losing fight, Clint pulled Nat into his arms, leaning against the sink.

“Always my protector.”

“I failed you.” She said, her voice muffled against his chest.

“You saved me.” He said in awe, kissing the top of her head. “But what do I do, Nat? This has to stop. I can't sleep knowing it could be worse the next time.”

Natasha looked up at the man that meant more to her than her own life.

“I don’t know. But whatever it is, we will do together. I will go in the evaluations with you or wait until you’re done. I won’t leave your side.”

“I’m afraid I’ll hurt you again.”

“You won’t. I won’t let you,” she took his face in her hands, “I will do whatever it takes. Loki can’t come between us. He separated us once, I won’t let it happen again.”

The look in his eyes, Clint so desperately wanted to believe her.

“How can you trust me, when I can't trust myself?”

She sighed, knowing what he meant all too well. The mindfuck of being unmade.

“Because, you are the only one I do trust. And if I lose you, I lose everything.”

Clint leaned down, kissing her gently on the lips then burying his face in the crook of her neck.

“You’ll talk to Fury?”

“I’ll arrange everything.”

“What if they don’t let you in with me?”

“Well," she said as he raised up, "I guess you’ll get a good show of watching me disagree with them.”

That made him smile. Clint liked watching Natasha get her way, especially with the higher ups.

“Food, first?” He asked hopefully, taking her hand as she started for the door. Natasha heard his stomach growl and half laughed.

“Guess I can’t let them pick you apart on an empty stomach, come on.” She pulled him along on the hunt for food.

He engulfed her from behind, planting a wet kiss on her cheek before taking the lead.

“You do love me.”

Thank you for reading!! please find the full story below

#clintasha #clint x natasha #clintasha fanfiction #clint barton #natasha romanov #hawkeye #black widow #marvel #avengers