#he absolutely hates it they’re indirectly calling him ugly

[they-hermes]

heres an old comic i semi abandoned bc i got frustrated on, but the idea was what if mesothulas, freak that he is, modeled ostaros’s face after prowl. since he is the muse. and also the horrors of fatherhood and seeing yourself, a terrible person, onto ur weird son who literally is the most innocent being ever since he has no conscience yet to do right or wrong.

for the missing dialogue imagine mesothulas gushing over his baby and prowl going huh this guys weird af.

#drawing mesothulas is what soured my efforts #him and the dialogue #impactor goes into the lab and almost shits himself when he sees prowls face on some weird body #ostaros has his distinct uncanny valley shit that doesn’t make him look like a cold con with prowls face #it’s literally just prowls face #mesothulas is as much an artist as he is a scientist #when prowl hands him over to kup he remodels ostaros face into the springer we know and love #but theres still something that didn’t get completely erased #so springer still ends up having people tell him he looks like prowl #it scares them #he absolutely hates it they’re indirectly calling him ugly #transformers #hermes art #maccadam #prowl #ostaros #springer #mesothulas #sins of the wreckers #transformers idw

[plaidbooks]

SFW Alphabet - Rafael Barba

I’ve been meaning to do this for forever--it was bugging me having the rest down and not Raf’s (I still need to do Mike’s at some point, too whoops).

Taglist: @witches-unruly-heart @beccabarba @thatesqcrush​ @itsjustmyfantasyroom​ @stardust-fray @permanentlydizzy​ @infiniteoddball​ @ben-c-group-therapy​ @glowingmess​ @whimsicallymad​ @lv7867​ @storiesofsvu​ @cycat4077​ @shroomiehomie​ @glimmerglittergirl​ @alwaysachorusgirl​ @dianilaws​ @averyhotchner​ @mrsrafaelbarba​ @crowleysqueenofhell​ @detective-giggles​ @dreamlover31​ @prurientpuddlejumper​ @madamsnape921​ @joanofarkansass​

(gif by @minidodds)

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Rafael shows his affection in a different way than most. He’s slow and unsteady while trying to open up to you. He needs your help (and patience) to let more of his affectionate side out. He’s definitely a gift giver, showering you with expensive gifts, or a fancy dinner, or a high-class show. But the more he gets used to you, the more he’ll switch from gift giver to physical touch. Cuddling with you, rubbing your calves or shoulders, playing with your hair.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

It started at work, whether you’re a paralegal, lawyer, or detective. You had a particularly snarky response to Rita, leaving her speechless (for once), and Rafael was quick to find out if that was a fluke or if you were that quick-witted. As much as Rafael seems like an egotistical jerk, he’s actually a very good friend. He’s the one you can vent to, or go get a nightcap with, no matter what time it is. He also has amazing advice for almost all situations.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

At first, you have to initiate it. Rafael does love it, but he’s afraid of looking too soft. Once he realizes you’re not running from him, then he’s incredibly touchy, wanting to hold you or be held by you at all times. He’s a big fan of laying on the couch, with you laying on top of him, your body weight comforting.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Rafael wants to settle down, but he needs to be absolutely sure that you’re not going to leave him. He’s afraid of his heart being broken again. But, once you’re in, he’s in, too. He’s been used to cooking for himself for a long time, so he begrudgingly likes it. That is, until he sees how you light up at eating his food; then he likes it more. He hates cleaning—his motto is if nothing is dirty, he doesn’t have to clean. He’s very much a “clean up after yourself” person, his loft immaculate. You don’t mind doing dishes, since he cooks, and you normally do the laundry, but only because Rafael barely has dirty laundry. And if he does, it goes to dry cleaning—except for the odd polo shirt or sweats.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

In person. Rafael has a tight-lipped grimace, upset that it didn’t work out. He’ll stay strong, but you can tell that this hurts him as much—if not more—than it hurts you. He’ll also go to your place to do it, so that if you cry, you’re not out in public, nor do you have to travel home.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

It takes Rafael a while to get married. He moves much slower in a relationship, afraid that if he goes too fast, you’ll be close enough to hurt him. But, once you get past his walls, he’s pretty quick to do the other things, such as moving in together and planning a future.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

At first, Rafael’s not gentle. He doesn’t go out of his way to hurt you or anything, but his sarcasm and arrogance has been a defense mechanism for so long, it’s hard to abandon it. Plus, his public self is what he thinks people want from him, so he hides behind that façade. But again, once you can get him to lower those walls, then you’ll find a hurt, emotional man. That’s when he’s most gentle; when he’s vulnerable.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Shockingly, Rafael is a big hugger! Since he’s too afraid to cuddle too quickly, he makes it up with hugs. He wraps his arms around your shoulders, tugging you against his chest, nuzzling into the crook of your neck. His solid body is comforting, especially with that citrusy cologne he wears.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes Rafael a long, long, long time for him to admit he loves you, even to himself. You can say it, and he’ll get choked up, hugging you close and kissing your cheek. He mutters something, and you assure him that he doesn’t have to say it back if he doesn’t want to; you understand. But he shows you that he loves you in every little thing he does. He may also write it down on a sticky note—left on the mirror when he goes in early—before he says it out loud.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Rafael gets very jealous, but it quickly changes to insecurity. What do they have that he doesn’t? Then he’ll start listing his faults in his mind, and it makes him even more sad. If he gets you back before the insecurity happens—while he’s still jealous—then he’s pushing you against the wall and reminding you who you belong to. If you come back to him when his insecurity is running wild, then you need to remind him that you love him, and only him.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Rafael’s kisses are soft, tender, and somewhat desperate…as if you’re going to pull away from him at any moment. (I wrote a HC about his kisses here). He likes to kiss your forehead; he feels it’s more intimate. But also your spine; he loves the feeling of you moving against his mouth. He loves when you kiss his tum—he’s a little insecure about that section of his body, so when you kiss him there? He melts.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Babies…not great. Rafael has no paternal instincts at all and he doesn’t know how to interact with them. But once they start talking, and understanding what he’s saying, he’s better. He’s the type of guy that talks to children as if they’re people, treating them with respect. And he loves to teach them things (especially things that will shock adults).

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Usually, you don’t spend mornings together. Rafael is a “sleep as much as possible, shower, work” person. He’ll kiss your shoulder before rolling out of bed, and he’ll have coffee ready for you for when you get up. Though, if it’s a day off, then Rafael stays in bed with you, cuddling, kissing, and whispering sweet words.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

You both take nights to catch up with each other’s days. One (or both) of you will massage the other’s neck, since that’s where all the stress builds up. And then it’s cuddles o’clock, both of you wrapped around each other as you eat dinner and relax.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Rafael holds his cards close to the chest. But, by doing that, you start to learn about him indirectly. You notice that he only ever talks about his mother, and never mentions his father. You notice that he’ll apologize for something that wasn’t his fault. You notice that he tries a little too hard. You never mention these things to him, but you tuck it away, and are patient with him.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Rafael is easily annoyed but not easily angered. He’s very much a logic > emotions person, and will try and tackle any argument head on, using logic and facts. The things that get him angry, though, are usually work related. He may snap at you after a particularly rough day, but you know he doesn’t mean it.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Contrary to popular belief, Rafael’s mind is a steel trap (in Twenty-Five Acts, the belt thing was mentioned once in passing, and Rafael quickly moved on to something else without even acknowledging it). His downfall is remembering what day it is. He may know your birthday is June 3rd, but when he looks at the calendar and sees it’s June 2nd, he panics and calls in favors to make sure he has a reservation at a fancy restaurant.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

When he took you to a Broadway show. He had his arm wrapped around you, holding you to his chest as you watched—a show he’d seen a thousand times, but loved. But, when he heard you quietly singing to yourself, his heart melted. He had no idea you knew the songs, and afterwards, you both walked down the street, singing the songs together. Rafael only ever sang to his mami and abuelita…and now you.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Rafael goes above and beyond for dates and anniversaries. They’re few and far in between, and it’s to make up for ignoring you during the work week (not that you see it as him ignoring you; he’s just busy. But he thinks the worst). Every day tasks aren’t super over-the-top like dates, but he enjoys your company; you calm him after the stress of his work.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Rafael’s list of importance goes; 1) work, 2) family, 3) you. He’ll always choose work over you (unless you’re in the hospital or something, but then he uses work to get the bastard who put you there). And he’ll always choose his mami over you, as well. This has never been a problem (except for maybe some missed date nights), but the quicker you can accept that, the better.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Rafael is a fashionista at heart. This poor boy growing up in the Bronx, and now shining as a Harvard grad, has an appearance to maintain. He never felt like he “belonged” with the elites he often sees at parties and galas, but the longer he can fool them, the better.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

At first, he doesn’t need you. He’s too afraid to give you so much of himself, and he’s afraid to let you in. But once you make your way into his heart, he finds himself depending on you more and more, whether as just someone whose arms he can collapse into, or someone who will listen to him rant.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

One of Rafael’s favorite things is at night, when you’re in the kitchen (whether doing dishes or getting a drink), he’ll wrap his arms around your waist. He rests his chin on your shoulder, then sways with you. He kisses your neck and chin, making you giggle and melt further back into him. He’ll keep it up until you stop what you’re doing and turn in his arms, giving him a kiss and dancing with him.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Rafael doesn’t like clingy. He wants someone independent, as he is. He works a lot, and won’t always be there, so he wants someone who has their own life outside of him. He also doesn’t like messy people—he’s a bit of a neat freak, and he’s not going to be cleaning up after you.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Many nights, Rafael will work until he’s exhausted. He’ll go through his nightly routine before murmuring a “goodnight” and collapsing onto the bed. Though, nights like those, if you lay down close enough to him, he’ll eventually find you in his sleep and wrap around you.

#sfw alphabet #rafael barba x reader #my writing

[willowistic22]

Compulsive redfinch (Acne prone! Albert) headcanons!!!

So yes, this will be some hardcore self projection mini (??? idk how long this will be) compulsive headcanon but i don’t care I need something like this right now. Having acne prone skin has ruined my self image, but today i will turn those insecurities into headcanons bcs idk how to deal with them the healthy and proper way :D and you guys should know better that i would self project on my fav ship so yeah, here, have some random redfinch stuff for the night. you will be getting some skin positivity related redfinch headcanons whether yall like it or not! 

Will i write this into a proper one shot? most likely but idk so i’m not promising anything yknow

Albert has acne prone skin ever since puberty first hit him (about the age of thirteen). It used to be all over his face, mostly his forehead, and sometimes on his neck, back, and chest. 

Some kids like to poke fun out of it, with no means to bully him but his feelings still get hurt and has made him grow up to be very insecure. Not only in his looks, but just Albert being himself in general

All his friends (the newsies) will defend him to no end. Not to say that he can’t fight, it’s just hard punching people when your head is beating yourself up too. Other occasions, his eyes gets watery a bit too quick to be able to punch a straight line.

Race, Spot, and Hotshot defends him the most bcs they are his best friends :D 

It’s one thing when other ppl insult him. It’s a whole other ppl when parents do it. Most of his friends don’t really know abt that but Race, Spot, Hotshot, Davey, and Jack does.

He’s the only one in his family that has shown signs of having acne prone skin since an early age. His father and two older brothers doesn’t. His mother does but the symptoms didn’t start until she first got pregnant.

Albert’s mother is hell bent on tryin to clear his skin. And both his parents have indirectly called him ugly and disgusting. It always hurts Albert the most when it came from his parents. 

It has ruin his self image so bad to the point he has accepted his faith that he’ll be single forever. Until Finch Cortez happened.

Albert knew Finch since high school. By then, his skin has gotten slightly clearer but it wasn’t ‘clear’ enough. Albert can’t deny how attractive he thought Finch was when he first got a one on one interaction with him and he felt quite embarrassed bcs at the time he forgot to do his nightly skincare routine the day before which resulted in more pimples and dry skin than usual. 

Finch was charming and mysterious on the surface. But what made Albert crush on him was what’s under the surface. A caring, bold, passionate, soft, and surprising person emerged and Al was head over heels for this boy.

He could only dream of having someone like him to be his boyfriend. So naturally, in sophomore year, he was surprised when Finch asked him out on a date in the middle of a Monday. Albert tried his absolute best to make his skin appear as presentable as possible, telling Finch that he’s only free on Friday bcs he needed to make a skincare appointment the day before.

And then there was the second date, since the first one was declared as a success. Then the third, the forth, and the fifth. Albert thought he was dreaming. Their dates were sooooo cute. (if i try to elaborate it will make this longer and also requires more energy and so i decide not to) 

On the sixth, Finch was for sure he wants them to be in a committed relationship. Al was unsure because despite after six dates he still believes that his faith is to be single forever. 

After hearing his explanation, Finch explained how handsome he thought Albert was and Al pulled him into a kiss bcs no one has ever called him handsome before. (akjdfaljkfblkjsfmcjkhfjlkscghjsh) 

Since they’re in high school, they just do the ‘go with the flow’ sorta relationship. Whatever happens will happen and whatever feels right will feel right. That relationship actually continued on even after high school. (till marriage actually :))))) 

Like abt a year or so in their relationship, Albert brought Finch home for the first time. His brothers knew that Al has a boyfriend named Finch (when his brothers are home they do a lot of catching up and basically never keep secrets and all) but has never met him. His parents had no idea he has a boyfriend in the first place, or the fact that he was gay. 

So Al’s like, ‘surprise i’m gay, i’ve been dating this guy for about a year, and he’s going to eat dinner with us tonight :)’, and his parents are like, ‘oh........ okay.......’ (this was his compulsive decision to bring Finch home one day after school) 

His family likes Finch instantly. They had a peaceful dinner. Until his mom mentioned what Albert looked like in middle school and just downright embarrassing his son in front of his boyfriend. 

Al didn’t say or do anything. He just sits there, trying to ignore her reading a list of all the things Albert hates about himself. Finch noticed his silence and, in the most respectful way, defended his boyfriend. 

Finch knew about Al’s insecurity ever since that sixth date but never knew what happened at home. So now he carefully watches his boyfriend. Anytime he picks up body language that indicates he’s feeling bad about himself, he will be sure to be there to remind Albert how handsome he is.

Finch would kiss the textured parts of his skin that he hates and Albert would blush and giggle and get all soft. He reminds Albert how handsome he is. Some days Albert actually believes it himself. 

Finch loves caressing Albert’s textured skin. One of his many love languages towards the boy. There are other times when Al felt bad abt himself and didn’t like the hand touches, so Finch diverts it by intertwining their fingers. 

When Finch catches Albert staring at a mirror for too long while focusing on one of his huge pimples, Finch will remind him how handsome he is. Al would laugh, seeing Finch being all sweet while tugging on his arm and move on from the mirror.

So Finch has memorized Al’s skincare routine. Sometimes he does it with him and by the end of it all they’d be wearing Korean sheet masks in Al’s bed and watching some movies while bundled up in a blanket and cuddling. Snacks will come after the sheet masks are taken off. (yus very soft much fluff can you tell that i’m pining?)

When they’re in college, they became roommates in their college dorm. Sometimes Albert comes home too tired or too drunk to do his skincare routine so Finch does it for him. 

He earns hundreds of face kisses the next morning.

In short: Finch loves every part of Albert. In time, Al has learnt how to love himself. He’ll still continue to do his skincare routine but he’s okay with his textured skin. t h e  e n d

#oh yes #it's pining hours bro #pining for clear skin #pining for a boyfriend just as sweet as finch #whoop we love that #anyways brb crying in the corner now #come join me :D #redfinch #redfinch newsies #newsies #albert dasilva #finch cortez #random writing #i will probably write a oneshot #but for now have a super long headcanon #tw bullying #well kinda

[rayaarchive]

Bar Maid

She wasn’t sure how long it had been since she made it to town, weeks maybe, and she nearly regretted everything from all the groping and cat calls she had to deal with as she served drunkards day in and day out. She hadn’t been ignorant to the perks dating the Commander had given her… Yet it was a living. Enough to change her clothes and dye her hair as not to get recognized, she had even let it grow out a bit and hid her ears.

No one here knew her, and somehow, she saw the familiar face of a Red Kite who looked as long faces as her owner. She scowled, minutely, and sighed.

Excluding herself, leaving her dish rag on the counter with the bar keeper, she took her break and headed outside to retrieve the bird. The long sleeves of the tunic she’d acquired lessened the sting of Ada’s claws into her arm that had been offered out as a perch.

“Fahleon here?” She mumbled, not wanting to seem daft to any passerby. There was no screeching answer, only a disconcern with her and then preening. Raya took it as a no and left it at that for now; she took her around back and into the kitchen for a quick moment before returning outside as not to be seen, and offered up some form of meat that had yet to be cooked. She wasn’t in charge of the meals here so she honestly had no idea what kind of meat it was.

“I suppose writing a not telling him ‘no thanks’ would be useless?” It was half rhetorical but Ada looked at her in a way that could only be ‘well duh’, had she been human.

She pecked at her hair, pulling a few strands free and covering them in bits of blood from the mystery meat.

“Ew… yeah, I dyed it so I wouldn’t be found… clearly didn’t work.” She commented, using her sleeve to rub the red out of the rutty brown she’d made it. She absolutely hated the color, she missed looking like herself.

She kept Ada for as long as she would stay, even making a few coppers here and there by showing her in the bar, careful not to let any one too close to her, but it was a different friend she’d made that kept the men away from her.

A half starved Possum had been getting into the waste behind the bar, causing a bit of trouble for her employer, so she took to catching it. It had taken weeks for it to trust her, eventually eating from her hand, then allowing her to pet it. She’d named her Hara’Nal, and kept her as a pet until she discovered, due to a customer, that she had far more potential than just a companion pet. They taught her to pick locks and pockets. An investment of worth if she had to say. Worth the coin it took to teach the animal.

As always, her contentment was shattered; at least this time it was gentle this time, with the absence of Ada. She wondered how long she had stayed with her but quickly decided it didn’t matter when she saw who would be her patron today.

Not a single soul in Thedas could copy nor mask The Iron Bull.

She stood in the door way, contemplating just leaving, until her boss called her over.

“Fake name?” Odd greeting, but warranted.

“Fake name.” She parroted, Confirming the question.

He motioned for her to sit next to him, and light as the business was so early in the morning, she lacked an excuse not to.

“Nice hair… ugly cat.” He grimes into his pitcher and she snorted as she pet Hara’s butt,

“She’s a possum… a very useful possum.”

She needed that; how long had it been since she cracked a smile? Everything was so stressful at the castle, and every ones mood rubbed off on her piece by piece until she couldn’t handle it any more. She knew she didn’t used to have tantrums so often, she used to be fine in her place, with her work… but that was before the world started falling apart.

“Are you hear to bring me back or kill me.”

“Neither,” he shrugged, poking at Hara and causing her to snap and screech at him,

“I just promised Beau to come look for ya and the Inquisitor that is find his bird.”

“You’re not a good liar for a spy.”

His laugh caught her off guard and she nearly fell off her stool and damned it’s backlessness.

“Am I now!?”

Raya squinted at him and scrunched her nose and mouth,

“Yes, you great oaf -don’t scare me next time- and Fahleon would never trust any one with Ada, so you have to be lying.”

Bull whipped a finger under his eye and nodded,

“That’s true, you got me there, but Beau did send me. And the commander, though indirectly.”

Raya only soured more and loomed off out the window as not to aim it at him,

“Then I’m glad you’re not here to take me in, as I care for neither of their opinions.”

“And why would that be all of a sudden?”

She rolled her eyes, knowing what he was doing as it was something her mother did as well. She’d play along simply because it was easier than fighting him.

“Why should I care for their voice when they wouldn’t hear mine?”

He stayed silent for a beat before humming a note to himself,

“That seems fair.”

For a long moment, Raya wanted to just scream. She didn’t want to deal with this and she didn’t find it fair that no one listened to her, every one was older and treated her as if she were something to be swept aside or used as decoration as needed… the whole of Skyhold lately had felt as neglectful as her father had been. Even as much as she knew she had been a ‘spoiled slave’ she knew she was also completely inept at acting like every one else who had never had that sort of confining life. Instead, she sighed and leaned into Bull’s shoulder and stared blankly at the bottles of spirits on the shelves across them.

“I don’t want to go back… but i don’t want to not go back either……….. what are they saying?”

“The inquisitor And Lilliana managed to change the rumors, Beau cried about you dying for a few days once you left,” he chuckled as he tried to spit out the next bit, “and the food is god awful!” Raya grinned into his arm in attempt to hide it, “For my sake, come cook for us! I can’t stand another day of yeast loaf and mincemeat.”

A beat of content silence settles between them before it was broken.

“Any way I can go unnoticed back home?”

“Possibly.” He took another drink befor sighing with weight Raya didn’t quite understand, “Any chance you wanna tell me why you attacked the commander? There’s rumors of course, but I’d rather hear it from you.”

He looked at her expectantly and she nearly bulked for a moment before chuckling and shaking her head.

“Out of everyone in Skyhold, you happen to be a pillar of sanity ina sea of politics and spite ridden alliances.” How amazing was it that the o e person she hadn’t trusted at first was the only one she could trust now?

“Shortly, It was half truths and misunderstandings.”

“And longly ?” He prodded a bit more.

“Fahleon left the war room in a tizzy -not his normal pissy mood but a real special occasion- so I asked Lilliana, she said cu- The Commander has sent Templars to rid some bandits that were harassing the Lavallen clan, and how it would have been better for her spies to go but no one listened to her plan…. I may not be a whole elf, but I know how horrifying Templars are… I know what they do to people… to elves. It’s nothing good.” She looked up at Bull with misty eyes and a wavering voice, “They’re probably dead.”

He placed a hand on her shoulder and promised her that they weren’t.

“I… I went to deal with Fae, and he was crying and I tried to help even though he never wants it even when he needs it. I promised not to tell any one, and I didn’t! He said yelling at Cullen was the same thing though, that no one respects him now. I didn’t even set anything on fire, the world Dow busted and the papers caught from the heat, then … ok, yeah, I set the desk on fire Cus Cullen liked it and he kept trying to silence me and tell me I don’t know what’s best, like a human can speak for an elf!” People we’re watching, murmuring, “I don’t get to claim either! Not elf or human! It’s not fair for every one to take my voice!” She’s crying and her hands are covered in frost as they’re fisted on the table in front of her, “and fucking Beau, uses magic on me while saying not to use magic on others. The circle has soured her brain and made her a pawn.” She spat. She saw the offense in his eyes and set in the corners of his mouth, but also that he -on some level- also understood.

“She’ll speak to you when you come back. She’s promised to hear you this time, if you care.” He offered, paying for his drink and rising to his full height.

“Not right away, and I’ll come back.” It was hardly a negotiation, more a demand.

“Deal, just do it eventually.”

#iron bull #raya #dramasplosion #end

[a-red-pack-of-black-cats-blog]

Thursday, April 13, 2017

PART TWO

These body-positive activists with their love thyself mantras ever confuse me, and I’m leaning towards thinking they’re a sham. You would think because I’m learning to realize how much my Savior loves me, it would be indirectly proportional to how much I think about my looks. As Jesus increases, my self loathing decreases, right?

Yes and no.

As you’re well aware of, we live in a broken world, and that means, just like any other struggle, Jesus has won victory over it on the cross. So instead of its total disappearance, we now see it for what it is. I can feel free to bring my insecurity of my life.

I’m going to be 100% honest with you, I cannot think of one, single, body part that I ‘love.’ I am going to tell you, that there is not one part of my body that I have not strongly desired to be altered. I wish it didn’t sound as much of a pity party as it does, and I’m trying to be positive, but I’m also trying to be honest.

I feel like sometimes in Christian circles we pinpoint honesty as cynicism. That anything short of having it all together is a doubt in the power of the cross. Absolutely not. I know that the cross has power over all things that can bring me death, and it has released me from so many struggles, hardships, insecurities. But there is a also a need to call it for what it is. It is hard. Jesus never promised easy, and my body insecurity is never going to come down with one clean, fell swoop.

So I’m going to tell you a bit about my personal battle with (physical) insecurity.

If you know me, you understand that I’m a real sensitive person. I’m the person who’s sensitive about being sensitive. When people told me something was wrong with me I let it consume me. That I needed an eyebrow job, I needed to shave my legs, I was fat, that I was unimpressive, that I was unkissable, etc.

Those things had stayed with me into high school, but I was absolutely determined to not let that happen in this new environment. I spent hours on my appearance, bathing my hair in mousse, and heat-styling it to a crisp, contouring every day, wearing excessive amounts of jewelry, wearing heels on no-uniform days (despite it being intensely painful), and I took a lot of pride in my upkeep. It was fun, i enjoyed looking consistently nice, but there were a lot of heart issues that needed to be taken care of. The constant need for male validation, the rampant, drowning insecurity, the avoidance of mirrors in case I got caught up in a self-loathing episode on my way to class, was overwhelming. And it was no way to live. The only time I wasn’t convinced I was absolutely ugly was when someone paid me a compliment. I remember actually crying on the way to class (I’m actually laughing as I write this now), over a bout of my typical, deep-rooted insecurity, and a very kind girl walked past and mentioned I was pretty, and I thought that, if I just accepted that the average person found me somewhat attractive, I could just accept that as standard and dismiss any insecure thoughts on that basis.

But I would still contour my face away, mentally discussing how much I hated my features in the mirror, and sneak away to do makeup touchups in the bathroom to feel better about myself and to ease the nagging thoughts. I thought I was better, but I was still consumed.

I can remember I got to the point where I literally, physically, could not turn in an in-class quiz, because I feared that the people, most especially the guys in my class, would have negative opinions about my body. I had to wait until the end of class, when more people got up, to turn it in, just to have some people to blend in with.

So needless to say when I got to college, I was tired. I started to try everything, to make me feel like I was enough. I naturally started to depend on compliments to ease the insecurity. I was inclined towards people who complimented me, even though they weren’t positive relationships. I got in some sticky situations with a good guy friend, because I was embarrassingly in need of constant reassurance. After that relationship ended, I was in a state of upheaval. With the separation from the constant assurance that I was attractive, I fell into a pit of insecurity. I didn’t want to be a woman anymore. I didn’t want to deal with all the nuances of being a woman, someone who more often than not is seen objectively and not as a person. I constantly felt nagging judgements in my head, and I wasn’t strong enough to fight them off. Again, I was lost, consumed, and really, really troubled.

But. Then. God.

It’s so beautiful, and I won’t go into detail because He romances each of us so differently, and so personally, that I can’t find the words to describe all the different ways he mended my heart. I found my own stability in Him, and maybe I’ll write another post in more detail. But I’m hoping when you’re reading this you can definitely relate to these consuming thoughts and emotions.

But again, Jesus thought you were worth it, before you were born, before you had a chance to prove anything by how beautiful, how thin, how muscular you were. Stop trying to prove yourself enough; Jesus already said you are.

So, Sunday School was right, in part. Jesus is always the answer. But because of the His nature, and the environment we’re in, there’s always going to be a clash. So while He is the right answer, he’s not always the cleanest answer.

There are days when random insults, shaming thought—that are product of both other people and myself—come roaring back with a vengeance. But in that storm, I find my Savior, and he tells me that I am enough. And sure, maybe I can never find confidence in my physical appearance. But that does not mean that the Lord can’t do something through me. Because the confidence that matters is that, simply, I have found the One who knows me, and loves me more than life itself.

#bodypositivity #christianity