#having adhd doesnt give you a pass to leave other mentally ill people behind to not learn and advocate for eachother

[anurarana]

Sorry sorry I was just reading a reply of a post where someone was like the difference between a mental illness and a mental disorder is that one implies a strive to find a cure and I'm just like... babe what world do you live in where people don't want to "fix" you

#yes even so called destigmatized disorders are still seen as something that needs to be solved and eradicated #this was on like a post about how neurodivergent doesnt just mean adhd and autism but also a plethora of other #mental disorders and illnesses that people dont make cute little aesthetic jokes about #but thats just the thing loves you make the jokes and the positivity posts about yourself others still want you to sit calmly and shut up #and that leads into why i have so much resentment over neurotypical bc by using this one umbrella term you are completely erasing #and fucking sanitizing the experiences of other mentally ill people that dont fit your fun quirky image #i didnt want to rant on that post bc i get it i get why people find comfort in the term but the more i think about the more i dislike it #having adhd doesnt give you a pass to leave other mentally ill people behind to not learn and advocate for eachother #to dismiss them of their struggles when they beg you to sympathize with them bc you want stable people to feel comfortable #meant to say neurodivergent there it is too early in the morning im just having a cynical laugh #delete later #it was just such a fucking weird hill to die on even ignoring everything else who are you to say someone with ptsd or anxiety #or schizophrenia cant call themselves whatever the fuck they want

[jdjdjdbdbbnavsgsyzyud]

While I know i have depression, adhd, dpdr, etc. none of those tags alone really capture how i feel until the cptsd tag. I never thought that tag could be for me, my experience wasn’t that bad, i thought. but no. it was bad, pretty bad. horrible in fact. devastating. and now im learnng its fucked me up in more ways than i could have ever imagined and honestly im back to feeling a little hopeless about it all. like it was a good ride not feeling like a useless, annoying husk of a person all the time but i guess its time to settle back in to the nastiness that is my cptsd (childhood ptsd). 

Between emotional detachment, avoidant traits and these random intense physical and emotional flashbacks without memries but they leave the worst feeling. First i randomly get aroused then i feel like im going to pass out, throw up, scream ,cry, and i just want to close my legs hard enough to close my vagina but it keeps opening. i have no control. i cant stop whats happening. im trying so hard but it doesnt matter. what i want doesnt matter. nothing about me matters. if i had the fucking balls to kill myself i would have ages ago. i didnt even know suicide was an option until grade 12. i probably wouldve tried if i wasn tso afraid of people paying attention to me. Saying they love me and care when they unknowingly torture me everyday. i cant stop looking for ways in which they fucking hate my presecne and think im a dumb ass idiot. this is so hard. why   me. why like i didn ask fo rthis, i hardly even deserved it. and it all feels fake on top of that. i so stuck in a loop of misery.

hopefully ill find my way out. i understand now that weed gives me clarity, drags me out a the hole thowards a slimmer of light shining through a crack in the prison that is my head. having a self is so hard, being vulnerable makes me want to throw up and accepting love is a foreign concept to me. where do i even go from here? why bother going anywhere at all? i just wish so badly i could kill myself, but i cant. ive fucking inserted myself into another friend group and now these idiots care about whoever they think i am and my death would admittedly disrupt their lives and mental states .and i know those bitches none of them could handle that right now, or ever probably. my family woudl jump at the chance to drag me back into the pit and seal the gate.

Theyre abusive. i remember being terrified theyw ould try to kill me if i moved out. they had such control ove rme, what i did who is saw what i ate and even my emotions. or scratch that, i wasnt really allowed to have emotions, other than grateful and obey. I hate my life, when i was 12 i wished iocu ldm urder them, i still kind of wish they would just drop dead. i hate them so much and feel less guilty about than i used to. i keep getting more objective proof they were awful but i cant seem to tie in the emotions of the memories i have, but i have emotions from memories i can never access. so much abuse, so much tragedy. no wonder im like this, a broken human. always feel unwated and empty, tossed away by her parents except to be a trophy a holidays. no regard for me, if i died woudl you care? probably, i almost want to kill myslef jsut to spite the both of them. whats actually funny is theyre so rude and poinsonous, theyve been acting nicer and nicer since i left which is a manipulation tactic whther theyf ucking realizd it or not. so theyre already rude as but how will that chnge if that bitch ever accepts that im a lesbian. what would they say if they knew i donated my eggs? what if they even only knew i dont fuckign go to church every week. FUCK THEM fuck them to hell. they can both rot in hell for all i care. well see how it plays out with my brother. my auntie probably hates me but thats fine for me. ill nevber have to see my pervy cousin who molested me then toyed with me until i was able to avoid him with extracurriculars. 

what ive gone through, its so much more than any of the relatable posts ive seen before. i could relate to the words, but not the humour or sarcasm behind them. i could feel emotional wounds and slef hate flood in. i have been through osme shit, as it turns out. depersonalized my way through it, im a little proud of mysel ffo rthat. at the end of the day, a child can survive just about anything.

#actually traumatized #actually cptsd #cptsd #parental abuse #personal as fuck #im not in a great place #i wont be for a while #all i want is peace