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thegrammylab · 3 years

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"She’s Not Posting You (How Other Men View It)" by Lothario

Forget what she "said" was the reason why she doesn't feel the need to add you to the vast array of everything else she meticulously photographs over and over again; this is what every heterosexual male that isn't you thinks when they see her living her best life on social media without you.

I don't think I can describe it any simpler than that, so let's jump right in.

You Don't Exist

This is what 100% of the strangers and acquaintances who happen to interact with your girl digitally think.

This is also what up to a good 60% - 80% of the men in her life who are "friends" without benefits think if they haven't been introduced to you but may or may not have been told about you.

Neither will stop shooting their shot for a dude they've never seen. For a large number of men, we use visual cues to determine who is off-limits with female interactions, and even though it may be an innocent coffee study session, after work assignment, or social media post on her end, if your girl is attractive, all of the men above will try her, openly and directly, as any man should for a woman he is interested in.

If there is no wedding ring, what is there to stop them? Believe it or not, men do virtual checks just as much and sometimes more than women do, and that includes the people we know are in relationships. The easiest way to see if a couple has broken up is if they've stopped posting and unfollowed each other. Your absence is a go-ahead not just to the "savages" among us, but the regular dudes who normally wouldn't go for someone who is taken.

She doesn't have to go crazy, but being there matters because that makes your relationship less of a target.

You're Weak

But let's talk about the people who do know, your bros by blood and selection. Don't pretend like they haven't visited her page to see if she's doing right by you as any good friend/sibling would do. Her wiling out on the gram affects you, and if it affects you, it should affect them at some level.

So come around your birthday, Valentine's Day, holidays, or any special events, and the photos that you all took together are noticeably missing. The men's delegation will immediately assume trouble is afoot. Mainly because they also know that other men who aren't your friends are also taking excellent notes.

Trust us; we have heard every justification under the sun:

"I like to keep my private life private"

"I don't want people in my business"

"I'm not on social media like that"

"I use my IG for business not personal"

"I don't want to be fake for all these people"

"I don't want other girls hopping in your DM"

The list goes on and on, and to be fair, most of them have legitimacy. She may completely wholeheartedly believe and live by them. Still, the problem is, the only thing worse than a man unknowingly hitting on your girl is one who is hitting on her because he thinks you are less than a man than he is.

It's important to share this with women you are seriously dating who genuinely haven't thought about it like that because if you two lived in a vacuum, it would be meaningless (just like a wedding ring). However, living in a society means that there are social norms. If a man does have this conversation with his girl and still doesn't post him, his status as a beta male is solidified. Now her ignorance moves to passive consent.

The majority of heterosexual men assume women are aware that not posting someone translates to their DMs being wide open, mostly because women normally want their men to post them too. Any woman with a boyfriend who isn't represented on their page is still considered fair game; to be taken by a strong enough man command that level of sacrifice and thoughtfulness. Ultimately, her decision to "buck the system," so to speak, is viewed as a lack of respect, which is still her choice to make. But if you don't think it's a red flag, your boys are, and it's definitely not a good look to the greater population.

You're A Phase / Not Serious

Still, some men won't believe that she is hiding you from the world out of the goodness of her heart, no matter what feminist cause she exhorts. That's because, at a very basic level, people post what they care about and what they think other people are going to like.

You not being up to the standard of her family, friend group, or her past exes are more logical reasons not to get posted. Guys will quickly form this opinion if you are nowhere in sight after she posted her ex almost every second. You can still see some of their oldies but goodies on her page.

We've had plenty of talks with women who expressed their embarrassment about posting and deleting photos of men they have been with. They've confided that they've just decided to play it safe for two reasons:

Not look like they are running through men like a pair of J's

Keep their options open because they know these next situationships aren't going anywhere

Let me give you a Big Sean verse to put how her ex's feel into a better perspective.

"I'm that n***a, I'm that n***a, that's yo n***a, even when you got a n***a, that you make love with, fill the tub with"

It's course, but very true for many men who have strong connections with their exes. We all listen to the same songs about taking girls away from other dudes, and depending on how bad she is, the level of savagery can and will escalate with an ex who has no real evidence that he's been replaced, so the name of the game is territory. No, she's not your possession, but there are boundaries within your relationship, and that includes signs that one exists to trespassers. Yes, if your girl is attractive, guys will hit on her regardless of what she posts and what you do, but the frequency, amount, and type of guys who do increase dramatically if they connect the dots that you are only an emotional stepping stool to her next relationship.

If that's not what it is, add some social proof. If it is what it is, you need to make some moves, my boy. No shame it happens to the best of us, but don't let yourself be used by a baddie just because the sex is amazing. You're going to miss it more than ever when it's suddenly and permanently taken away in humiliating fashion by the one she really cares for.

You're On Your Way Out

There is one case where the reason she's not posting you is totally your fault but is also a smoke signal for the wolves to start circling your camp.

If early in the relationship, she posted you heavy, even catching you off guard with candid Snaps, and she suddenly stops... for like months. This is not a drill. You need to do some major reassessing because you did something or stopped doing something that has changed the relationship's trajectory.

We may never be able to read women's minds like Mel Gibson. Still, you can certainly read their actions like the latest installment of Harry Potter. As mentioned before, posting is social capital to you and her, don't think she doesn't get anything out of it. In bold letters, it's also saying, "stay away from my man" to any woman that follows her. So if she's exposed you to her audience in a pretty recurring fashion and given you the stamp of approval by association, she has skin in the game.

If she's creating a time gap and diminishing your presence suddenly, it's more than likely because she's unhappy with you. Even girls with side-dudes often keep up appearances because women are smart, and they know that would draw our attention. So her not posting you is meant to draw your attention that something is wrong, so it's probably a good idea to show her that you received the message.

This is also where the definitely not-gay emotional-support-guy-friend is lying in wait, ready to pounce. There's no shame in their game because we've all seen a dude messing up and uttered the famous lines.

"I'm just saying I could do better."

Some do and live happily ever after; some don't and continue the cycle. Regardless, if you've noticed a sharp decline in your camera time, it's an opportunity to say

"I've noticed we been drifting apart, and I want to do something about it before it's too late. Do you want to talk about it?"

Don't just ask her what's wrong or call her out for not posting you because, in her heart of hearts, she wants you to know what is wrong even if she hasn't exactly told you. Make it easier for her to give you better hints by opening it up to discussing where your head has been the last few months, and you know that you haven't been all the way there. Ask where her head is at, and if she's still interested in a relationship, those are better questions because she will either show that she still wants it or start listing the reasons she wants out.

Don't let the negativity shock you if she wants out because the talk alone means you have a chance. If you're listening, there should be some immediate steps you can take to boost her confidence in the relationship. The most important thing to communicate is that you are willing to try, and you noticed something was up. Things didn't have to blow up to get to that point. Connecting emotionally will not only help you, but it will also take away the appeal of the other dudes who are trying to creep in by being "sensitive" and "listening."

At the end of the day, appearances aren't everything. You should always prioritize the uniqueness of your relationship over anything that other men think. However, as men, we must put up fences, as it's never wise to have anything you care for look defenseless.

#relationships #dating #lothario

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