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vanessawritesstuff-blog · 6 years

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You might be broken, but so am I

It had been a long, long damn time since Jesse had been this pissed off. Anger wasn’t the only emotion surging in his chest, there was also worry, fear and anxiety. Hanzo has been avoiding him ever since their last mission together, and it had thrown Jesse through a loop. Actually, Jesse had downright been a mess. So much that other Overwatch members started to ask about him and his relationship with Hanzo in particular. The two were dating for a several weeks now, after a long time of mutual pining where both of them refused to believe their feelings were reciprocated. A long time alone made it hard for Jesse to believe someone would be interested in him, while in turn Hanzo didn’t believe that anyone could love a man that ‘killed’ his brother. Granted, Jesse didn’t really like Hanzo in the beginning. The archer was rather arrogant in his abilities, sometimes to the point that it became hard to bear. It didn’t help that Jesse was close to Genji since the days of Blackwatch, which made it harder to trust Hanzo in the first place. It was because of Genji however, that Jesse slowly opened up to the archer. If the cyborg was ready to forgive his brother and focus on the future, who was he to linger on the past? Their relationship was good. Mostly. It was only after opening up to each other that Jesse discovered that behind the arrogant and confident facade, there was a lonely and broken man. Hanzo might consider himself the most broken of the pair but Jesse too, had his scars and problems. One example was his affinity to whiskey. For how often he drank it, one should expect that Jesse would know his limit a little better. Sadly, he did not but at the least Hanzo understood him in that regard, having a similar affinity to sake. The two had started to bond over and thanks to the alcohol, so it couldn’t be all that bad. Or so Jesse told himself. The second example was his short temper, which he had particularly after missions. A nasty side-effect of the deadeye ability was that Jesse suffered from excruciating migraines the next day or two. Angela’s medicines helped him function but the irritation was bubbling under his skin and he was easily triggered. It had led to a few arguments here or there, nothing too bad or too serious. Jesse knew he wasn’t perfect, but he was damn well willing to do everything he could to become a better person and to learn from his mistakes.

So when Hanzo decided to avoid him for no apparent reason, Jesse was not only hurt but also angry. There was a constricting tightness in his chest, yet at the same time, it felt as if it was on fire. Since he had used deadeye in their last mission, it wasn’t a great moment to confront the archer about it. The throbbing head and sensitivity to noise, among other things, didn’t make him very patient and open to sensible arguments. It had been two days though and Jesse was sick and tired of being left in the dark. If he did something wrong, or if Hanzo didn’t want him anymore, he deserved to be told in his face. To Hanzo: 21:30:43 If ur done with me, just fking tell me Han

Jesse sighed after he pressed the send button. After calling the man several times and being ignored, he didn’t know what to do to get his message clear. They really needed to talk and behave like adults, which sometimes was a lot harder than it sounded. Jesse didn’t want to keep avoiding the rest of his friends either because he wasn’t sure what their relationship status was right now. For the first five minutes, Jesse stared blankly to his phone. The hope that Hanzo would text him back, started to seep away. “God dammit!”Jesse punched a nearby wall with his fist, his good one, before disappearing into a long, steaming hot shower. When he came back, Jesse didn’t even bother to check his phone. Sitting in his window, he smoked one of his cigars and took a big gulp of whiskey. It soothed some of the pain but it could never take it away. Just when Jesse was about to rest, he looked at his phone and blinked. From Hanzo: 22:10:14 Meet me at the roof. Usual spot. From Hanzo: 22:30:32 I am here. Jesse quickly glanced at his clock. 22.50. Shit. He scurried out of the bed and dressed half in his room, half in the hallway. There was nobody out here to see him and it was mostly quiet, aside from Hana who was streaming one of her games with her fans. Judging by the ‘gg’s’ and the ‘you have been D.nied!’, she had another win. Out of breath and a little sweaty, Jesse glanced around at their usual spot. It was quiet and cool here, secluded but close enough to the others in case of an emergency. The pair used it to meet for drinks and to share stories and kept doing so well into their relationship. From his room, Jesse had ran non-stop so he could get here as soon as he could. Why didn’t I check my phone earlier?, Jesse cursedly thought to himself. Immediately after, he thought, why am I feelin’ guilty for somethin’ I didn’t cause in the first place?! At the location, there was nobody to be seen. His shoulders hung, low and defeated. This might have been the only chance to find out what was going on but the opportunity has passed. Was this going to be it? “So you came after all.” Jesse turned and looked around to see where the all too familiar voice came from, only to see Hanzo sitting a floor lower than usual. “Well,” Jesse shrugged, “Yeah, I’m the one that has been tryin’ to contact ya so …” It was hard to hide the frustration and pain in his voice and he was pretty sure he did a terrible job of it. He could see Hanzo visibly tense in his shoulders but the archer’s head did not turn to meet him. “Goin’ to tell me why you’ve been avoidin’ me lately?” Hanzo hummed, and Jesse wasn’t sure if that was to confirm or deny his question. “I...I’ve been having doubts. About us, lately.” The archer said, his voice hardly even faltering as he spoke. Jesse’s heart sank into his stomach. It was something he had been afraid of, since their first day together to be precise. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who had so many issues? On the surface, Jesse looked like a happy spirit. He was smiling, charming and surrounded by friends. Who each, without exception, seemed to adore and trust him. Yet, deep inside Jesse was afraid of being alone again. Afraid of being reminded of his own past, of betraying the trust his friends had in him and last but not least, of losing his head to deadeye. He tried to say something, but a lump in his throat prevented it from getting out. Jesse really thought that Hanzo might be the one that he’d spend the rest of his life with, for how long that would be with Overwatch. There was an uncomfortable tension and silence in the air, until Hanzo’s voice sharply cut through it. “When you pushed me aside during our mission, and overexerted yourself by using deadeye, I knew that…”, Hanzo’s fists where clenching on his lap and Jesse watched him with emotional eyes. “..that I am not worthy of you.” The cowboy’s body tensed in shock. Did Jesse hear it right? He blinked his tears away, his face straining to comprehend. “I am not worthy of your commitment. I should not even be here. All my life, I’ve have searched for redemption and honor, but I am beyond redemption.” The brows on Hanzo’s forehead furrowed. “Hanzo..”, Jesse said softly, not harder than a whisper. “I have still not come to terms to what Genji has become, all because of my doing. How you can accept me is beyond my understanding, but you deserve better.” “Han-zo..”, Jesse said, a little louder this time. Hanzo continued forcefully, “You should not lower yourself and bring yourself in danger to be with me. You - “ “I decide whoever I deem ‘worthy’ of my protection and affection by my own!” The cowboy nearly yelled. The archer’s mouth stood open, mid-sentence, as it was now him trying to comprehend what was being said. “Hanzo,” Jesse said with a sigh, moving closer and jumping down with a little thud to sit next to the archer. “I know it hasn’t been easy for ya here. With Genji, gettin’ accustomed to Overwatch and all that..” It hadn’t been easy for Jesse either, right after the recall. It was very different from the way Blackwatch operated and while Jesse was good-willed, even his trust had to be earned by all the people he didn’t know. “But.. I’m serious when I say I want us to work. I...I want this to last. It’s not like ain’t got my own issues either. If things are botherin’ ya, please, just talk to me. Last few days really hurt…” Hanzo looked at Jesse for the first time tonight, the archer’s heart clenching in his chest as he saw what kind of suffering he inflicted on the man. “Jesse,” his voice crackled with emotion this time, “I can only hurt you more. It will be best if - “ “Stop tryin’ to tell me what’s best for me!” Jesse said with frustration. “Y’don’t get to decide that. Just accept me, and how I feel about ya for what it is. I chose to protect ya and use deadeye, I chose to be with ya and I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years.” It remained silent for a moment after that, Jesse taking some deep breaths to calm himself while Hanzo seemed to let the words sink in. “Really…?” Hanzo’s voice sounded soft and filled with disbelief. Jesse gave a soft sigh. “Yeah, sugar. Ya help me to keep goin’ and try my hardest to be my best self. And I hope I do the same for you, and if I do, then I think it’s best for you if y’allow me to stay by yer side.” Hanzo’s lips curved into a very little smile, though his eyes stared back at his own lap. It had never been his intention to hurt Jesse, but Hanzo was convinced this was the inevitable outcome of their relationship. Perhaps, it was better to learn how to communicate though Hanzo wasn’t someone that easily changed his convictions. “I...I apologize for worrying you. I...I haven’t been seriously involved with anyone like this before. The clan didn’t allow me to waste time on such matters and I…” A thumb tilted Hanzo’s chin, turned his head so that Jesse could lean in and press a kiss on his lips. It was soft, sweet and soothing and both men felt their worries melt away. Jesse’s touches always had the knack of doing so and Hanzo nearly forgot why he was so conflicted in the first place. “S’okay, darlin’.” Jesse said as he broke away from their kiss. “Ya might be broken, but so am I.” Hanzo chuckled at that. “Yes, perhaps…” Jesse smiled, warmly and tiredly. His arm wrapped around Hanzo’s waist and for a moment they did nothing but silently lean against each other and taking in each other’s scents and presence. It was getting harder for Jesse to keep his eyes open however. He caught himself dozing off, snapping upwards as he startled himself awake again. He had no clue how much time they spent here, but it was time to get their well-deserved rest. “Let’s go call it a night for now. I don’t know ‘bout you but I’m mighty tired. I’ve haven’t slept so well these past few days…” Jesse said admittedly, implying the fact that he, and Hanzo, slept alone these last few nights. “Hm.” Hanzo said in that familiar cocky tone of his, albeit with a hint of sleepiness. “Let’s change that, then.”

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