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cat-brodsky · 4 years

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The Secret History: Abridged (part 2)

Fair use disclaimer: The following text is intended as a parody and literary commentary of the published book “The Secret History” by Donna Tartt. Some direct quotations from the book, constituting a very low percentage of the original, have been integrated in the parodic text where appropriate. The author of this text neither profits nor intends to profit from it.

Dramatis personae

The farmer, brutally murdered by four rich kids on a drug trip

Richard Papen, the narrator, a slightly less starry-eyed youth slowly growing addicted to drugs

Julian Morrow, a Greek professor who doesn’t actually care about his students

Bunny Corcoran, killed on Easter, lying at the bottom of a ravine covered by snow

The Toffs minus one:

Henry Winter, increasingly exasperated as the Greek class spirals into self-destruction

Francis Abernathy, gay, neurotic, and slowly descending into alcoholism

Charles Macaulay, a full-blown drunken abuser

Camilla Macaulay, the token girl

Judy Poovey, the only character in the book with both brains and heart

The Corcorans, Bunny’s large family, grieving and “grieving” the loss of their son

Georges “I told you so” Laforgue

Cloke Rayburn, the friendly neighborhood drug dealer

William Hundy, the friendly neighborhood bigot

the greek chorus (played by a person in a floral bedsheet toga with two sockpuppets)

The Fans, seated in the front row of the audience

Chapter 6, in which it snows on Easter

Richard: Just for the record, I don’t consider myself an evil person. What we did was terrible, but you know, none of us were exactly bad!

Richard: Anyway, that’s totally unfair. I thought murdering Bunny would be easy, but for some reason now I’m having nightmares and everybody is on edge and we’re scared the cops are onto us!

Judy: Want some Demerol?

Richard: Sure, nothing could go wrong with thaaa- oh wow I’m hiiigh.

Francis: ohgodI’m so damn nervous - oh, hi, Richard. Wanna f-

Charles: And I’m three sheets to the wind. Soused. Pished. Drunk.

Francis: Gimme some.

the greek chorus: and that’s gonna be a theme for the rest of the book

The Toffs (minus one): We need to act normal. How do we act like normal people. We could say we were watching some of that new-fangled cinematography whilst the murder, I mean the accident, happened. Do we call the cops? Wait, uh, not yet...

Julian: My student has been absent for more than three classes in a row, should I be concerned? Haha, just kidding.

Cloke: Man, I don’t like this. You know Bunny’s always broke, but he’s been flush with cash lately. And he’s always wanted in on my... pharmaceutical business. You think he ran afoul of some real bad guys and got himself killed?

Henry: Oh, he just might have.

Cloke: Damn. Let’s go search his room before calling the cops.

Charles: He had a cut-out of the newspaper with the farmer murder! Oh well, good thing I managed to swipe it.

The cops: He’s been missing for a week and nobody informed us? What’s wrong with you people?

Judy: Richard, have you heard about Bunny? I’m sure he’s alright, but... If you want to talk, or need anything, I’m here.

The search for Bunny: begins

The reporters: present

William Hundy: Daymn right I saw ‘im! He was in a back seat of a white car, with some arab type folks. Now I ain’t saying they was terrorists, but you know them daymn arabs-

Henry: Who’d have thought people are going to make things up? And who’d have thought giving him money would look suspicious?

Francis (drunk): I’ve had to spend time with the Corcorans. How utterly terrible. One of the damn children running around ruined my favorite scarf. And they didn’t even notice - what’s more important, their dead son or my scarf? By the way, Richard, I am definitely not attracted to you.

Julian: One of my own students - missing? I would be sorry for his parents if they weren’t so... low-brow. But he's such a sweet boy, so silly; I'm really very fond of him. If anything should have happened to him I don't know if I could bear it. Goodness me, this is altogether so very exciting, so dramatic!

Henry, stars in his eyes: There’s divinity in the midst of us.

The FBI agent: We found drug paraphernalia in Bunny’s room.

Mrs. Corcoran: How dare you!

Cloke: I want a lawyer.

Camilla: Did you know Henry had us kill a piglet after that accident with the farmer? Blood can only be washed off with blood, he said.

Richard: Haha, that’s so Henry.

the greek chorus: and then the body is finally found

Chapter 7, in which everyone takes drugs

Everyone in Hampden college: mourns in a sufficiently dramatic way

Julian, writing a letter: Dear Richard, this is all too hard for me. I fear I have a case of the vapours and thus, I shall not return to Hampden until after the funeral. Who cares about the classes you’re taking with me, amirite?

The Toffs: stay with the Corcorans in preparing for Bunny’s funeral

Mr. Corcoran: my son... oh god my son is dead ...you boys want a brewsky?

Mrs. Corcoran: And those flower arrangements we were sent are atrocious. Simply shameful.

Francis: What do you mean we have to sleep in the basement? That’s just wretched.

Richard: This funeral is so inconvenient. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this. And the food they serve us is terrible.

Henry: And the garden is so ugly.

Camilla: I can’t take it. Let’s steal some drugs from the Corcorans.

Cloke: Lemme show you where the missus keeps the good stuff.

Francis and Henry (drunk): Gimme some.

Charles, Cloke et al: get stoned the morning of the burial

Richard: Bunny’s grave is just terrible to look at. Oh, I cannot even.

the greek chorus: farmer who?

Chapter 8, in which it all goes to hell

Julian: Henry is such a sensitive young man. I fear this is hard on him. And Edmund and him were so very close. But why did he have to read such a... modern poem at the wake? I would have suggested something from Phaedo.

Richard: Time for more drugs

Charles: Time for more whiskey

Francis: Time for a shopping trip!

Francis was always generous with his clothes. He gave Charles and me his old suits by the armload. I still wear a lot of those suits: Sulka, Aquascutum, Gieves & Hawkes.

the greek chorus: no comment

Henry: is gardening

Francis: gets diagnosed with an anxiety disorder

Charles: crashes his car driving drunk

Charles: makes out with Camilla in full view of Richard

Francis: Yep, they're doing it. Haven’t you noticed? Him and I slept together once or twice too, big deal. Hell, Richard, if you drank as much as he did, we would have screwed too.

Richard: ...Jesus. And I’m stuck with these people until I graduate.

Charles: falls asleep outside while drunk

Richard: Well, he has a fever of 103 Fahrenheit, which, going by my premed education means uh... Judy, what do we do?

Judy: Go to the hospital, of course! Wait, take my car. I’ll give you the keys.

Julian: So young Charles is in the hospital? Dearie me, you all must be grieving for Edmund. Though, is death really so terrible a thing? It seems terrible to you, because you are young, but who is to say he is not better off now than you are?

Francis: Oh, and I think Camilla and Henry have been sleeping together. And she moved out of Charles’ place. I think they had an argument.

Richard: Well, I’m not taking sides, but this is a really bad time. You should go see him.

Camilla: ...Charles was physically abusing me. I’m afraid of him. And I can’t stay at Francis’ place, because he’d fold like a wet tissue.

Richard: So is that it? You're protecting your own interests?

the greek chorus: DID YOU JUST-

Richard: What if Charles goes to the cops?

Camilla: He’d never do that. And Henry is looking out for him.

Richard: Sure, that’s why Henry’s been sending him whiskey.

Richard: Time for more drugs. I’m on soooo many drugs. Did... did Henry plan it all out? He... he totally planned it out.

Henry: is gardening

Henry: For my entire life, I’ve been dead inside... but everything changed the night I killed that man.

the greek chorus: finally someone remembers the farmer

Henry: You don’t care much about other people, do you, Richard?

Julian: A most terrible thing has happened. A letter, purportedly from the late Edmund, has been delivered to my office - filled with profanity and wild accusations and references to some... murder. A forgery, of course. It saddens me greatly that someone would do that. I wonder who...

The Toffs: oh no

Julian: Why, by Jove, this is the letterhead of the hotel where Edmund and Henry stayed on winter break!

Henry: ...I can explain. You see, during that bacchanal you sanctioned, we went a little wild and wound up recreating The Bacchae - it wouldn’t be authentic without a little killing, right? It was just an accident, we didn’t want to bother you. But then Edmund found out, and he, well... overreacted. He was having some personal problems, you know, family problems... Professor, you said it yourself - we must do what is necessary! Really, it was a mercy killing.

Julian:

Julian: ...why, that's terribly interesting. Anyway, I have just been urgently called away from the university. Istran royal family, you understand.

Henry: But-

Richard: But-

Julian: Gotta leave now, toodaloo!

Henry and Richard: ...son of a-

Richard: You know, in hindsight, Julian is kind of a huge prick. I even wrote down that his inability to see anything in true light was his most attractive quality. Turns out he used his students to boost his ego like some sorta cult leader.

Richard: And you know what’s messed up? I still admire him.

Dean of Studies: Cozy place Julian’s got here, doesn’t he? Well, now that he’s done a bunk - three weeks before final exams - I regret to inform you that you guys will have to switch your majors or something. I doubt the school will keep teaching Greek.

Dean of Studies: After all, there was so little interest in the subject that Julian only had six students, right?

The Toffs: ...SON OF A-

Francis: Charles has gone off the deep end. We’ve gotta take him out to the country, let him keep drinking there.

Charles: Henry’s trying to kill me.

Henry: Am not.

Charles: Are too!

Henry: We need to get him into rehab or something-

Charles: walks in with a gun

Henry: Never mind.

Charles starts shooting; Henry wrestles the gun from him.

Richard: Oh no. I’ve been shot.

Henry: I’m so done with y’all. Why do y’all have to be so incompetent? Can’t a man commit a murder in peace? And worse, Julian has up and fled! I loved him! I believed him! Duty, piety, loyalty, sacrifice my ass! I’m outta here.

Henry shoots himself.

the greek chorus: he lived like a Roman and died like a Roman - from lead poisoning.

Camilla, Charles, and Francis exit stage left

Richard: ...Uh, I’ve been shot? Hello? Anyone?

The Hippie enters stage right. Together with the greek chorus, they start carrying Richard off-stage.

The Hippie: It’s all a metaphor, man. Henry has a limp, from the car accident, right? Well, he’s Satan and he’s here to ruin lives. Julian gets off scot-free, but it doesn’t matter cause his soul is damned, man! That Donna chick is Catholic, right? That’s why Bunny was going on about sin and forgiveness - cause he knew what up and he has a chance in purgatory, man, but the others are Pagans so they don’t. Deep, man.

the greek chorus: man, you’re high like a kite.

The Epilogue, in which nobody is happy

Richard: Yeah, well... Everyone except me dropped out. Turns out that our group was only really held together by Julian’s cult-like teaching and Henry’s blind devotion. And that once we couldn’t pretend to be better than everybody else, we stopped wanting to see each other. Or it might have been the two murders, who knows.

Francis, in the hospital after a suicide attempt: So, my grandfather found me with Kim, a nice young lawyer, balls deep in me, and threatened to disinherit me-

Richard: That old homophobe!

Francis: Oh, no, that's cause Kim is Korean. Anyway uh this is my beard - my dear Pricsilla whom I'm gonna have to marry.

Richard: Or you could actually... work for a living.

Francis: That’s inconceivable. I mean, you work, but you are used to menial labor.

Richard: So... what does Charles do these days?

Camilla: He drinks.

Richard: Good old Charles. Anyway, Camilla, will you marry me?

Camilla: Not a chance.

Richard: Oh well. At least I got Henry’s brand new car out of this whole mess. That’s a net gain if you ask me.

the greek chorus, narrating: “As a writer I’m giving the reader signs to help create the story with me. The reader is bringing his or her own memories, intelligence, preconceptions, prejudices, likes, dislikes. So the characters in your copy of the book are going to look and sound different than in mine. I have my own ideas, but once the book is out there it’s not really mine anymore, and my own idea isn’t any more valid than yours.” Donna Tartt, 2019.

The Fans rush onstage.

Fan 1: Henry did nothing wrong!

Fan 2: Who wants to have a bacchanal?

Fan 3: omg look at my character moodboards

Fan 4: What if we kissed over a copy of the secret history

Fan 5: dark acadamia(sic!) aesthetic

Fan 6: Donna Tartt died for our sins

the greek chorus:

the greek chorus: FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Curtains.

#the secret history #donna tartt #dark academia #henry winter #tsh

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shamelessmultifandomcommunity · 7 years

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Irony

Ask:Maybe one where the reader is Felicity's younger sister by a couple of years and is attracted to Cisco with the prompt "Can you be happy, here, with me?"

A/N: sorry this took so long but imma (kinda) busy person. @petals-overdaisies i hope you enjoy 😁😁😁😁😁😘😁😁😁😀 also bare in mind im a only child so i dont know much about siblings. I’m sorry about any misspelt words, it’s 01:09am here😬😀

“Ughhh where are you going now?“ you followed your older sister through the maze of the arrow cave, you never quite knew who started calling it that but it caught on so you went with it

“I’m heading to S.T.A.R labs, because they need the worlds best hacker, hey maybe they might also need the assistance of my prodogy“

“I’m not your prodogy, you know daymn well i taught you half of the stuff you know“

“yeah ok, whatever anyway im sure Cisco would love to meet you, well not love love because how can you love someone before you’ve met them, i mean can yuo really be happy with someone, but then again this is Cisco we’re talking about“ you already knew were this was going, you waved a frantic hand in her face.

“yo earth to dork, God you and Oliver need to get back together again, if you start were gonna miss the next four years of our lives besides im sure me and this Cisco guy will get on perfectly“

“yes im sure you’ll get on like bow and arrow, which is an ironic thing to say cons-you gave her your famous death stare. DONT you dare start,Jesus, how hasnt Oliver impaled you with a arrow yet“ she shook her head and tapped her nose

“you’d be suprised“

“Ya’ll listen up up, i dont do mistakes, aint nobody got time for mistakes“ the raven haired enginer huddled over a small peice of metal.

“who exactly would you be talking to?“ you had to supress a chuckle when a high pitched scream left the enginer

“no..nobody, me, myself“ he panted, still trying to catch his breath “Jesus Felicity, you cant creep on someone unannounced and scare the living bajesus out of them “

“sorry about that Cis, so anyway where is this digital mystery you needed my help with, I even brought my baby sister Y/N“

“uh huh about that“ Cisco rocked on his heels and splayed out his palms “I’ve kind of already solved it, sorry about that“ he stoped rocking and turned to face you “but hey, its nice too meet you. I’m Cisco Ramon you can call me Cis if you want“ he extended his hand for you to shake, a nervous grin filling his face as your gloved hand accepted it .

“I’m sure it is“ you whipped your head round at your sisters remark

“Hey sis“ her blue eyes met your (E/C) ones, you looked over to the door then back at her “the doors over there, byeeeeee“ your sister just rolled her eyes and mutered something about the two of you needing a needing a room. Once she left the room you turened to face Cisco. “sorry about that“ you spoke sincerly.

“It’s ok, hey how did you do that“ his face beamed giving you a quizical look

“do...??“

“make Felicity silent“ your face broke into a smile as you leaned in next to him, you could’ve sworn you saw him blush.

“Its a secret sorry pal, although i would be happy to share it if you tell me how you cracked that code“

“deal“ a caramel finger pointed at your face as you stood back up “but only if you awnser this question, can you really be happy, here with me?“ he half smirked, half looked dead serious.

you scrubed your hand over your face ““ God you sound like Felicity”

“yeah i know, i kinda saw her rambling earlier“ his hands started brushing thru the ends of his hair

your head tilted “how, i could’ve sworn it was only us in that room“

he tapped his temples “i, uhh, get these things called vibes, the’re basically visions of the past, present or future“

“you..you can vibe too?” you droped your head so you didn’t have to look at him anymore, no matter how much you wanted to

“yeah” he tilted his head as he caught what you said “wait did you say too?“

“uhh..yea“ you tried to make the atmosphere less awkward by chuckling a little, it totaly backfired “thats why i wear these“ you held up your hands to show him your gloves properly.

“and they supress the vibes?“ you nodded. He took you by suprise when he took your hands into his own and started to examen it. you slowly lifted your head to look at hi face.

*did his eyes look lile before?*

*how could long hair look so sexy on a man?*

“like what you see?“ he gigled as you were pulled out of your trance *jeez how long had you been staring for?*

“no i mean yeah, i mean i was just wondering how your so ok with your vibes?“

“I was like you at first i hated them but now im ok with them, their a part of me”

“i dont hate them“ from the way he quirked his eyebrows you could tell you werent being convincing “i’ll show you” you hesitantly started to take off one of your gloves, you swalloed and took his hand, your skin tingaling from the contact.

Blue and white streaks swirled around you, when you finially focoused on the scene infront of you, you were mortified. You saw yourself and Cisco entangled in a passionate kiss. you immeadeatly let go of his hand, the blue and white faded, a confused look washed over your face as you found Cisco grinning like a wildcat, whereas you were pretty sure Barry’s heart didnt beat that fast.

“I guess you can be happy with me after all“ the raven haired man steped closer to you.

You couldent stop grinning, the feeling of pannic being flushed with a light tug in your heart “i guess so“

YESSSSS I FINISHED IT(this took 2hrs to type) 😆😆😆😆😆😆 I HOPE YOU ENJOY. im not even gna pretrnd i didnt improvise the hell outta the end. imma sleep now cuz its 03:09😴😴😴

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