#friendship breakups are the hardest ever i'll never get over this one | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nox-artemis · 2 years

Text

Entry #1: On/Off Mode

I've been meaning to rattle off shit for awhile but now is as good of a time as ever given that my OneDrive memories keeps reminding me.

For the last two years I've been emotionally invested in a friendship (one that started on Tumblr many years ago, incidentally; I doubt this person will read this) that ultimately turned into me catching feelings for this person. I really trusted them and I admitted my feelings to them, but they denied me due to their own issues (in hindsight, it was foreshadowing). In spite of that - and a bunch of other stuff that happened in between - we ended up meeting up in their home state, stuff happened, and honestly I felt optimistic about being with them for a few days, being happy with them, even if I couldn't really "be with them" (or at least in that moment in time). But I think in reality it was a false optimism that I was projecting onto myself to cope with the massive uncertainty I felt with the particular "relationship" I shared with this person.

And three months after meeting up for the first time, we were suppose to meet up a second time (this time in my home state), and I never heard from them again.

They're not dead, btw. They just... stop talking to me.

That's a super abridged version of events.

I can't really describe the emotions I've been feeling for the last ten months as anything other than a break-up; even If I wasn't this person's partner, I at least thought they were my friend, but they're now my ex-friend.

Honestly this all has been the hardest and most emotionally painful experience I've ever had to cope with. I've had relationships before this person and have been disappointed and sad when they ended or went no where (or even ghosted), but what I've been experience for ten months since their last message to me ("I'll message you later") is nothing short of true heartbreak.

I have no therapy outlet, so really the only way I've been managing my life is going into On/Off mode.

Give me some credit in that I haven't been crippling depressed over this experience: I'm still working and doing research, I'm going back to school (again), I still hang out with (two) friends, I still engage with my hobbies and go to events and travel and blah blah blah.

But I also just have periods of just... numbness. Staring, thinking, looking at that one photo of that person that they sent me, crying.

And those periods just happen at any time. They happen a lot at work or when I get done with hanging out with a friend. I've gotten so use to turning off the tears when patrons come into my place of work. Or turning them back on when I get in my car or walk through the door to my house. It's basically been a new normal for me: On/Off mode.

I'm saying all this now because my One Drive has been reminding me for the last four days that it was a year ago this time that I went to meet this friend for the first time, and unbeknownst to me back then, it would be the last time, most likely. I think that's the hardest thing to cope with because I looked at those pictures (mostly scenery) and I remember how happy I was when I was with them, when in reality they were cumulating feelings of the opposite - enough that they deemed me not worth being around anymore and not deserving of an explanation or a respectful send off.

After I looked at those photos, I finally decided to delete them from my OneDrive. I'm posting this on August 1, which was when I last hugged and kissed this friend before boarding my flight back home. They said that we would definitely see each other again.

I deleted our text messages today too.

Of course I'm still going to be thinking about them everyday - and a part of me still loves them and hopes that they'll come back - but maybe by the time that 12 month mark hits, I'll be 70% over this breakup instead of the 55% I've been feeling since May.

#personal #break up #breakup #heartache #Breakup Diary #break up diary

4 notes · View notes