#forgive me the couple of fucked-up ones because I also drew four really really super nice hands for a different thing. also a jawbone.

[chiropteracupola]

dress up nice (and don't get any blood on yourself this time, please)

[collaboration with @dxppercxdxver again. we are still going.]

#em draws stuff #flintlock fortress #team fortress 2 #FINALLY this is done it took me more than five hundred thousand years [editor's note: it took them approximately four days] #this one does show a little that I went to tumblr university instead of art school when it comes to certain design elements. So What. #also I am pretty sure that I used up my Realistic Hands quota for the rest of my life somewhere partway through this drawing #forgive me the couple of fucked-up ones because I also drew four really really super nice hands for a different thing. also a jawbone. #maybe I will also post the jawbone since it does look very good #.....anyway. 'twas about time for a Significant Outfitting Moment in these parts. #proves something about my own sensibilities because I do feel a little bit scandalous for having drawn this. #this is honestly a really silly thing for me personally to get scandalized by (for a variety of reasons that I won't share) #I think it would read better if I reordered the panels but ah I simply do not feel like it. take it as it is. #finishing march strong by not doing so so so many tasks and doing this again. if you need me I'll be in the soup for the next while.

[tbhwhocaresanymore]

Nancy Drew S2 Premieres Today

Please find under the cut my various hopes and dreams for the characters

Bess

I have so many hopes for Bess going forward. My main two are ones you will have heard before.

One, I want Victoria to take Bess under her wing. I loved their interactions in ep 5 while George was possessed. George accepts spn stuff these days, and as such is more understanding of her mom’s struggles with alcoholism. But I think she will always have a certain degree of resentment towards Victoria for failing to be the mother George and her sisters needed. Bess on the other hand has none of that baggage, and so if Victoria is going to be passing down her teachings to anyone I think it would be Bess. I want to see them spending more time together, sort of like an internship, and maybe Bess can advocate to George about her mom, and help them become closer.

Two, I have a very specific storyline I want to unfold with Lisbeth. We know the Marvin family in addition to being super rich is super shady, and Granny Marvin wants Bess to spy on Lisbeth to help the family out. I know Bess is torn between her family and her girlfriend because she has wanted to be a part of the Marvin family for so long, but I don’t think she would actually betray Lisbeth like that. So I want to see a storyline where we as the audience think Bess is betraying Lisbeth, and spying on her and stuff like that, (similar to Ow*n and Nancy’s fake fight in ep 11) and then right as we expect consequences WHAM. It turns out Bess was really spying on her family the whole time for some super illegal murder-y thing that happened, and Granny Marvin or someone else gets arrested. She texts Lisbeth along the lines of “everything went great, see you in an hour!” Only when she gets there Lisbeth is DEAD. And then Amaya helps her through the grief and they bond and fall in love aaaaaaaaah

Three, I’m interested in her London family. They want nothing to do with her anymore, I’m assuming because she insisted on getting to know her mom’s side of the family, but is there more to the story? I would like to find out.

Four, I want her together with Amaya their chemistry is on FIRE sorry not sorry

George and Nick

Since they are dating I’m doing them at the same time, but I have hopes for them separately and together. Starting with George:

One, I want George to start manifesting psychic powers like her mom. I have said it before and I’ll say it again. We got a glimpse of the sorts of things Victoria deals with everyday in the seance episode (ep 7) but George will never truly understand what her mother goes through until she experiences it for herself. Yes she now deals with ghosts and hauntings on a regular basis, but George can turn it off. She can step away and make out with Nick, and manage the Claw, and parent her sisters. Victoria can’t turn it off, and yes that has led to some character/parental failings on Victoria’s part but I still want her and George to have a loving relationship. Imagine George starts seeing visions and spirits and things she can’t turn off or walk away from, and finally understands how and why her mom is overwhelmed. And then imagine Victoria becoming incensed and heartbroken, because her abilities have made a mess of her life and she in no way shape or form wants it for her daughter. She immediately teaches George all the control she can, how to shut it off or block them out, and together she and George find new (sober) ways of dealing.

Two, I want to meet the Fan dads. George has two sisters, Ted and Jessie, and the three of them all have different dads. I would be fine with meeting any of them. And it would make an interesting storyline if it turns out one of the dads had no idea he had a daughter? I’m not married to any particular storyline, but there’s a lot of potential there and I want to see what the writers do with it. Onto Nick:

One, as is the case with everyone else, I want to know more about his family. They are all just chilling in Florida, and to our knowledge have never tried to meet up with their son who is now out of prison for a while now which is odd. I know from the episode description in 2x2 that his mom is going to come up for a visit, and I cannot wait to see how it plays out. He mentioned being the black sheep of the family (ep 11 I think) and the writers can’t just drop a line like that and not delve into it, come on.

Two. I know this is super random but I want him to get some sort of stable living situation. He has like 5 million bucks worth of bearer bonds he can’t just sleep on George’s couch for the rest of the show. Plus Harbor Day is over which means the hotels and stuff have opened up. I want him to have a home, is that so wrong of me? A space he can make his own and fill with classical novels and have sex with Nancy?

It’s not as specific as my Bess wish but I know how I want George and Nick’s relationship to go.

I want them to fall apart slowly against their wishes. I mentioned this in one of my earlier reviews. There is so much potential for angst here you guys. I want them to try and stay together because they do like each other, and are attracted to each other, and care about each other, but it’s just not enough. I want Nick to have situations where he consistently goes to Nancy over George for her help and neither of them really understand why. I want George to be desperate to hold onto him because she’s never really been with a guy like Nick before where she doesn’t have to hide and she likes that feeling. But despite their best efforts, it’s just not enough and they both realize it’s just not meant to be, and sadly let each other go.

Also I want Bess and George to be cousins no I will never shut up about it

Ace

Honestly Ace as a character is perfection. The writers could do anything with him and I would support it. Go crazy guys.

Although if he ended up with George I wouldn’t be opposed...

Ryan Hudson

Just two wants, and I probably won’t get either of them, but here it is.

One, we never saw how Ryan and George got together, and I’m hoping they can find a way to make it slightly less blegh. Like maybe their first run in was as a waitress/customer at the Claw, and she knew he was married but made out with him anyway, and then he pursued her after finding out she was in high school because he was already attracted to her. I despise Aria x Ezra and didn’t watch past season 2 of PLL but maybe they could do it like that, where he didn’t actually know she was 17 at first.

Two, now that they have officially established the George/Ryan thing was fucked up and in no way George’s fault and that it messed her up big time, I want Ryan to make amends. I want him to apologize to George, and have him understand that yes he wronged her, and took advantage of her, and he shouldn’t have done it. They’ll never be on great terms, but considering he is Nancy’s father hopefully they can at least get to a place where they are civil with each other, and he is always willing to help her out when she needs it.

Nancy Drew

NANCY. My girl. My babe. My daughter. Lucy’s daughter. Whatever shall we do with you.

One, no surprise here, I want Nancy to get back on good terms with Carson. I heard in an interview, I don’t remember where nor do I have the link, that Carson is going to be practicing law again this season and Nancy is going to be doing some sleuthing for him in regards to some cases. Nancy is a rational human being, and I am confident given enough time she will understand that her father was really doing what he thought was best, and trying to do right by Lucy and fulfill her dying wishes, and she’ll be able to forgive him.

Two, I want her and Ryan to get to an amicable relationship. Nancy has so many (justified) negative feelings towards Ryan, what with his whole being a rich sleaze who had an affair with a 17yo, but really as the first season went on Ryan became more and more of a sympathetic character. Now I’m not delusional, I know he’s not going to morph into an ideal father figure overnight. But I want him to work to be a part of Nancy’s life, and I want Nancy to let him. I want her to understand that yes Ryan has fucked up a lot of times, but he is capable of growth and redemption. And slowly but surely, despite her best efforts, he weasels his slightly smarmy little way into her heart. If we’re getting specific maybe Nancy can be abducted (again) and Carson and Ryan have to team up to rescue her.

Three, Nancy forgive Kate. She’s dead and she loved you and she was your mother whether or not she gave birth to you. Come on, you can do it.

Four. *deep inhale* Listen. I understand I am firmly in the minority here in a fandom filled with Nancy/Ace shippers, but I want Nick and Nancy to happen. As George and Nick slowly fall apart, I want Nancy to resist being there for Nick, to tell him he should really be going to George with these problems, and maybe they have a moment where Nancy falls off a step and Nick catches her and they’re super close for a second before JUMPING apart and immediately avoid each other for a while. I want Nancy to have feelings and fight them because she and George are on good terms and she knows Nick is good for George, and doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that friendship or their relationship.

Five, apparently Nancy is getting a new love interest 2 days after Ow*n’s death and I may have hated him but she was fairly into him and as such I am not here for it. Go away new love interest. We don’t want you here.

Dead Lucy

I don’t care in what capacity she is present but listen I NEED my dead traumatized daughter in this show okay? Dead Lucy is my hands down favorite character and I love and support her and if she moves on or finds peace or whatever after sticking around for 20 years just because I will RIOT. But specific wants, just a couple.

One, I have a scene in my head. It is a very specific scene. Nancy is on the bluffs and she turns around, and Lucy is there. Not screaming, not haunting, just there. Nancy is afraid to move, afraid to blink, afraid to breathe. But slowly, she walks up to Lucy. Lucy is standing there, bedraggled and dead, staring at her daughter who grew up to be so beautiful. Nancy is right in front of her. Lucy slowly lifts a hand to touch her cheek and Nancy gasps a little because she can’t quite feel it, not really, but almost. She whispers ‘hi mom’ and closes her eyes, there’s a wind, and Lucy is gone.

Two, I want a Lucy vs Aglaeca showdown. I have no idea what they have planned for the Aglaeca origin story, and it’s fairly likely she will have been victimized by the Marvin family somehow, but right now she is going after Nancy and Lucy is not going to stand for it. Aglaeca shows up to try and take their souls and then Lucy goes all Molly Weasley on her ass and does that deathly scream thing and TACKLES the Aglaeca, and then screams her off just like “NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH.” and buys the Drew Crew time to do whatever Aglaeca banishing ritual they need to do. That would be nifty.

That’s it

Wow this post turned out to be a lot longer than I expected but there you have it. Hit me up in the notes or in my asks, lmk what you guys want to see for season 2. Oh but please bare in mind, I do live in CA and so see this show three hours after anyone living on the East Coast, and will be actively avoiding spoilers.

Can’t wait until tonight when 2x1, The Search for the Midnight Wraith airs. Stay tuned for my review xo

#Nancy Drew cw #Nancy Drew #Bess Marvin #George Fan #Ned Nickerson #Ned Nick Nickerson #Ace #Carson Drew #Ryan Hudson #Dead Lucy #Lucy Sable #Bess x Amaya #Nick x Nancy #Drewson #Nancy Drew s2 #today is the day

[sierraraeck]

Cleansing (Pt.2)

Spencer x OC Aundreya

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

If you are triggered by talk of sexual abuse and have not read how I have set up this fic, please do so. You can still read it without that content, just click here.

(This is my gif so please give credit if used)

Summary: Spencer needs help dealing with his dealer. Both of them are required to take two weeks off and they decide to spend those two weeks together. Things get hot and messy and emotional. There’s a lot going on. Story nine.

Category: Some angst, some fluff, some steam, some smut.

Warnings: Cussing. Drugs. Mentions of drug abuse. Shots fired. Discussion of prior sexual abuse. Oral (both receiving), penetrative (unprotected), fingering, creampie.

Word Count: 8.6k

A/N: This is my first time writing smut. Forgive me if it’s bad and I’d love to hear your feedback. Also, I know injuries don’t heal that fast but we are just going to ignore it. Big thanks to @definitelynotkatesblog for reading over and helping me with the smut section, I really appreciate it.

Side note: Somewhere in here I hit 50k words of fanfic.

“Let the two weeks commence,” I said, pressing play on the season premiere of ‘Sherlock’. I’d made the executive decision that we were going to stay inside as much as possible, and we were going to binge watch shows and have movie marathons. He made the executive decision that we were going to start with ‘Sherlock’.

I had practically moved into his apartment, my things stuffed into the corner underneath the tv. I brought everything I needed, plus an entire suitcase worth of new books for him to read since he wasn’t supposed to be doing much. The only reason anyone left his apartment was for me to go pick up food, or something else from my place that I decided we needed. I made sure to keep all of the walkways clear, and I watched him like a hawk every time he decided to move. Most of the time I scolded him and got whatever it was for him, but things like the bathroom and showering, those got more complicated.

He insisted that I go home and sleep at my place, but I was content on his couch. At night, things were the worst. It’s like I could feel his restlessness. He eventually fell asleep, but at around 2am every night, he was waking up from whatever terrifying dream decided to haunt him. I would go into his room and sit with him for a while, sometimes reading to him (he complained he felt childish but I knew he secretly liked it), and then, out of fear I would hurt him laying next to him and wouldn’t be close enough to him from the couch, I slept on the floor. Which he scolded me for every morning. But I didn’t mind. I’d slept on worse. I created a pillow fortress around the whole bed just in case he rolled off, which he informed me was ridiculous and he’d never done in his life, but I told him you can never be too sure.

Then there was that deal about the drugs.

We were both getting clean, and considering he was addicted to pain meds, he couldn’t take any pain meds. We had made a deal that every time one of us left the other’s sight, when they came back, we’d check them for drug use. I checked him for an injection site and he checked me for signs of power, and any other symptoms that were associated with the other’s drug. I felt my heart pull a little every time I looked over at him and saw him in that brace. I could tell he was trying so hard to keep it together, but the pain was getting to him.

“It’s okay, you know,” I told him.

“What?”

“To cry.”

“What are you talking about?” he said through a grimace.

“Or maybe scream, if that’s more your thing.” He looked at me expectantly, so I explained, “Besides the morning and the night, the pain is the worst at around four. It’s four right now. I know it’s not pleasant over there, and I’m just reminding you that it’s okay to let go.”

“You’ve been paying attention to when I’m in the most pain?”

“What else am I going to pay attention to?”

“The tv.”

“The tv is not nearly as interesting as you.”

“So my pain is interesting to you?” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“You know that’s not what I meant. But if you must know, your general health and well-being is definitely a point of interest to me,” I fired back. He gave me a small smile.

I left to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, he checked me. It had been a few days (I honestly stopped keeping track) and I decided I’d keep things interesting.

I took off my sweatshirt and turned the pockets inside out. “As you can see, there are no drugs in here.” He nodded, seeming slightly confused as to why I needed to take my sweatshirt completely off to prove that. Next, I stripped off my sweatpants, leaving me in my bra and underwear. I turned those pockets inside out as well and repeated, “There are no drugs in here, either.”

His eyes seemed conflicted, flicking between my empty pockets, the tv, and my much-on-display body. I did a slow turn, and as I did, I drew attention to my lower half, explaining that I didn’t have any drugs stuffed in my panites.

When I turned back around to face him, I caught his eyes lingering on the delicate lace that shielded the last of myself from him. He looked up into my eyes, realizing I’d noticed him staring, and quickly shifted his gaze back to the tv. I put my sweatshirt back on, but in return removed my bra using the classic locker room trick. I held it up like it was an exhibit at a museum, ready for him to examine. “And finally, there are no drugs in here either.”

He followed the sight of my bra falling from my fingers all the way down to the floor, landing right next to my forgotten sweatpants. I strutted back over to the couch and sat down next to him, letting the knowledge that I was half as clothed as before set in. I pretended to turn my attention back to the tv, but I kept an eye on his reaction out of my peripheral. I had definitely accomplished my goal of distracting him from the pain.

I continued to tease him the next couple of days, getting a bit more bold as time went on, like making sure to ‘thoroughly check all of the alternative spots’ that one could inject themselves in besides the arm. The bolder I got, the more he slightly squirmed under my touch, even biting his lip once and having a shudder run through his body. I had to compose myself until I turned away, not wanting him to know how much pleasure I got from seeing how much of an effect I had on him.

After I had teased him for a few days, I decided I’d just toss a delicious idea I’d dreamt of out there and see what happened.

“So, today you get to test out ‘taking it easy’ without the brace on, huh?” I asked.

“Yep,” he responded.

“How’s the pain?”

“It’s better than it was a week and a half ago. I’m lucky that it was only a super minor fracture, and because I have been following all of the rules so strictly,” he cleared his throat and gave me a pointed look, “it is healing as fast as possible.”

“That is fantastic news. What do you plan on doing first as an unbraced man?”

“I don’t know, actually.”

“May I suggest a shower? The warm water will feel amazing,” I suggested.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he turned to head toward the bathroom.

I took a giddy deep breath, but tried to sound innocent when I asked, “Would you like any help?”

“Help with what?” He took a couple paces backwards so he could look at me.

“Just help. I’d hate for you to slip in the shower your first day out of the brace and not have anyone around to catch you…” I trailed off. His eyes got really wide and his demeanor changed to one of nervousness. Or was that excitement? I couldn’t quite tell.

He gulped but followed matter-of-factly with, “That is a good point...”

Was that a yes? What does that mean? Dammit that was a clever response.

Spencer walked back into the bathroom and turned on the water. I sat there, replaying his response over and over in my head trying to figure out what I should do.

It wasn’t long before I got my answer when he peeked his head out of the door and asked, “Well, are you going to come help me or not?”

Fuck yeah I’m going to help.

“Of course I am. I’m right behind you,” I said, already halfway to the bathroom. I stripped off my t-shirt and underwear (I sported only those two garments nowadays) and stepped into the bathroom. The room felt amazing, like being hugged with a warm blanket, the mirror already steamed over. Spencer was already in the shower. I took one deep breath and stepped around the curtain.

He was so perfect. He was facing the water and I watched the droplets collect on his back, then traced them as they ran all the way down it. I was still looking down when he turned around to face me. I was about to do a double take, shocked by his size, but he put a finger under my chin and lifted it up, forcing me to peel my eyes away and look into his own.

“Hi,” he said in a soft tone.

“Hi,” I replied. I felt frozen in place, drowning in his warm gaze, our only point of contact being just his finger under my chin. I wanted so badly to change that, but I had to remind myself to be gentle. Speaking of, I moved my eyes down his lips, his jaw, his neck, his chest, until I reached the scar on his right side. I slowly lifted my left hand and placed it just under the stitches they'd removed the day before. He shuddered just a little, and I quickly retracted my hand, worried I’d hurt him.

“I’m so sorry-”

“No. It’s okay,” he assured. He reached down and engulfed my hand in his, delicately placing it back on his body, right over the scar. “I trust you.”

I was so thankful that the water was running, otherwise he would have seen the small teardrops that fell from my eyes. I’d never heard more beautiful words come out of a more beautiful mouth, and those three meant the world to me.

“I would never hurt you,” I whispered.

He nodded. “I know.”

It was too much to hope that he’d missed my tears, because he cupped my face and gently swiped at the extra moisture collecting on my cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just that … It’s just that I’ve never had anyone trust me the way you do,” I murmured.

How come I couldn’t go just one moment where I was supposed to be taking care of him and not have it turn into him comforting me?

I lightly danced my fingertips over his scar, and he found one of his own to trace his fingers over. I saw him eyeing it the other day, so it didn’t surprise me that out of all the scars on my body, this was the one he chose. It was one deep line that went right between my breasts. He leaned over and planted a single kiss right in the middle, sending a shudder down my spine. I sharply inhaled, and he ghosted his lips over me until they reached my own. I was captivated by how soft they were, how delicate he was being with me, as if I was the one who’d just been shot. He left me wanting more as he pulled away, but there were other things I had my heart set on helping him with.

For some reason, hair had always been one of the most attractive features to me. Spencer’s hair was like no others’, and I loved getting to thread my fingers through it whenever I could. I couldn’t resist reaching for his shampoo and globbing some on my hands.

“That’s too-”

“Shh,” I said. I had to reach up to get to his hair, but my hands moved with a mind of their own once they got going. I slowly watched more and more bubbles form in his hair as I massaged my hands around his head. He reached his own up, placing them on top of mine to aid in the process, causing me to giggle at the feeling. He removed my hands and I went to get my own shampoo, but I couldn’t help staring at the picturesque sight of him leaning his head back, closing his eyes, and letting the water rid his hair of the suds. I saw his Adam's apple bob when he swallowed, and couldn’t tear my eyes from his hands, methodically pushing his hair back from his face.

When he opened his eyes again, he almost smirked at the sight of me watching him. He put his hands on my shoulders, and turned me around so that I could no longer see him. He grabbed the loofah I left in there, added some body wash, and deliberately moved it in circular motions on my back. I felt him pause momentarily, probably studying the tattoo on my shoulder blade, but quickly continued. He switched places with me once he thought I was sufficiently scrubbed.

I felt the water beat down on my back as he wrapped his arms around me. I returned the embrace, both of our breathing hiccuping when his length rubbed against my folds. Neither of us dared to move, not sure if the other was willing to go farther. I put my head down on his chest, my lips leaving an open mouthed kiss on his collarbone in doing so. He rested his head down on top of mine, and we stood there in that embrace for what could have easily been forever. I got up on my tiptoes, forgetting that we were in a delicate situation, having to press my lips together before I reached his ear and whispered, “Let’s get you dried off.”

He reached around me to turn off the water and stepped out. I followed, grabbing the towel off the rack and looping it around him. I wrapped my own towel around me as Spencer turned to face me, stealing one more glance downwards before he could cover himself. We finished getting ready in silence, occasionally glancing over at the other.

We spent the rest of the night like that, hardly bothering to make small talk. Instead of watching tv, we decided we’d read prior to going to bed.

I don’t know about Spencer, but I couldn’t make it through a single page without having my mind drift back to him. I knew what I wanted, but my desire was strong enough to cloud my judgement, no longer allowing me to read him properly. I didn’t know exactly what he wanted, so I just sat there fantasizing about the shower and other fun places.

Finally, I’d had enough, getting out of the chair I was sitting in and moving toward the couch where Spencer was, leaving my book behind.

“How’s your book?” I asked.

“It’s good. How about yours?” he replied, not even looking away.

I ignored his question. “Is it descriptive?”

“Yes.” He looked up at me with slight confusion.

“That’s good. Being descriptive is a very good thing,” I said. I swung my leg over him, lowering myself down onto his lap.

He closed his book and put it on the end table next to us. There was a small question in his reply, “It is.”

“Do you think you could describe something to me?” I asked. I ran my hands down his clothed chest, toying with the waistband of his pajama pants. He swallowed, but didn’t protest.

“And what’s that?”

I smiled up at him as I started to slide his pants off him. “Is this okay?”

He only nodded in response, his eyes locked on my face. I pulled the remaining bit of underwear off, indulging in the growing erection I found underneath. I lightly stroked one finger down his length, tracing a protruding vein. He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes.

When I reached the base, I completely grasped him with one hand, pumping it up and down his shaft at an agonizingly slow pace.

“Describe this to me,” I said in a sultry whisper. His eyes flew open, telling me he didn’t think that was going to be possible. I put my other hand at the back of his neck and quickly swept him into a kiss. When I pulled away I added, “Just do your best.”

Besides the fact that I loved hearing his angelic voice, I wanted to give him a wide open, no shame invitation to express how he was feeling. I knew how awful it was to be in a situation where you felt like you couldn’t speak freely or tell someone what you wanted. This way, I could make sure he was comfortable with what I was doing and I could turn it into a little game where I could tease the hell outta him.

He nodded, face slightly pinched. “It’s, uh, good. Kind of slow.”

“Aw, you can do better than that,” I said playfully, “Tell it to me like you are reading it out of a detailed novel.”

I picked up the pace slightly for added encouragement.

“Um, you picked up the pace, but it was still too slow for my liking,” he gave me a questioning look and I gave him a single nod in approval. I started making zig-zag lines with my other hand that was previously on his neck, moving it slowly down his chest. His voice was strained but velvety when continuing, “You’re teasing me, which is fine for now, but I’m hoping that will change soon.”

I gave him a sly smile, finishing the path my other hand had been taking, reaching its destination onto his shaft, allowing it to help please him. “Keep going.”

“I’m inhaling, trying to focus really hard on forming coherent sentences,” he said, breathing starting to labor. I applied a bit more pressure. “I’ve decided to kiss you, needing something more to do with my lips than just talk.” He leaned toward me and kissed me, gasping as he did because I finally increased my pace to one that might be considered reasonable.

“Fuck,” he breathed.

“Ooh, that’s not part of the narrative,” I commented, my voice heavy with mischief, slowing back down.

“It is now,” he said through clenched teeth, giving me a look that begged me to speed back up. I had to smirk at his irises being swallowed up by the darkness expanding from his pupils. “You slowed down again, but I knew you would speed back up.”

I did as he said, watching his face in amusement as he started forming an idea.

“You kiss me,” and I did, “and you tug just a bit harder.”

Again, I followed his directions, allowing him to take some control back as long as he could continue giving them. Spencer smiled slightly to himself, finally picking up on how this little game of mine worked.

“I’m going to help you out of your shirt, then follow with my own,” he said. His nimble fingers brushed up under my shirt, the cold of his palms sending goosebumps up my warm sides. I put my arms up and he slipped the fabric easily over my head, leaving the piercing air to swarm my exposed body. Soon we were both topless and his gaze swept over my breasts. I could tell he was getting more excited as he continued on, but I decided I wanted some control back.

I pressed my lips to the base of his jaw as he pulled me flush against him, putting his own on the side of my neck. My hands resumed their previous position as I left a trail of small kisses along his jawline, in between them whispering, “Just keep focusing on those pretty sentences of yours.”

As I moved farther down his neck, he tilted his head back, allowing me more access. I kissed down the column of his throat, then his chest, planting one after the other, slightly sucking at each point. I paused to barely brush my lips against his scar before removing myself from his lap altogether, taking my hands along with me.

“For some reason you pulled away from me, but I want more. I want a lot more,” he said, staring into my eyes trying to read my ulterior motives. They became blatantly obvious when I sunk down to my knees. I pulled the rest of his clothes completely off him, tossing them to the side, Spencer walking me through it the whole way.

I looked up at him and flashed him a smile, saying, “Now, I don’t need you to be completely coherent for this, but I do want to hear how you are feeling, so don’t hold back any of the words, or sounds, that come to mind.”

I leaned over and just barely brushed my lips against his tip. Again, I purposely started out at a tantalizing pace, slowly taking him in inch by inch. I strained to keep my eyes on his, wanting to watch him writhe and unfold. He leaned his head back against the couch as his eyes fluttered shut.

I pulled off of him. “I just have one more request.”

“Anything,” he said in a haste, hardly waiting for me to finish my sentence. I had to smile at how eager he was to have me continue.

“I want you to look at me. I want to see your eyes all the way up until you can’t stand it anymore. I want to watch you fall over the edge,” I said.

He nodded. “Okay.”

I resumed my slow pace, hands on his thighs, only allowing myself to use my mouth for now. I swirled my tongue around him as best I could, eventually just opting to trace it along one of his veins, applying extra pressure there. I finally reached the bottom, holding all of him in my mouth. Only then did I pick up the pace. His hands flew into my hair and he let out a low groan. The deep pitch of it was unexpected coming from him, and it sparked a flame inside my chest that spread throughout my whole body.

I hummed against him, only dragging out his groan. I allowed my hands to work whatever I couldn’t comfortably fit in my mouth at this pace. I started sucking harder, his member not too far behind me, as he let a string of curses roll off his tongue. I let him fall from me with a satisfying pop, giving him only a moment of reprieve before I pushed him over the edge. His mouth was hanging open and I caught his tongue in a messy kiss before returning my attention back to his cock.

He quickly caught me before I took him back in. “Don’t. If you do that I’m going to-”

“I know,” I assured slyly, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

I hesitated only for a moment, waiting to see if any more protests were headed my way. When I received none, I traced my tongue all the way down and back. I started intensely sucking at his tip when I had to remind him, “Remember, I want your eyes right here all the way until the last second.”

I took all of him back into my mouth, hollowing out my cheeks as I went. I was pumping up and down him as fast as I could, my hands following suit.

“Fuck, Aundreya,” he barely got out before I felt him pulse, being overpowered by the moan that followed. He was such a vision, letting all control go, spilling into my throat. I did my best to remember the taste before quickly swallowing, turning my attention to his face. As if he could get any prettier. His head was lulling back, mouth agape and eyes screwed shut in pure ecstasy. I waited for his eyes to flutter back open and look at me before I slowly freed him from my mouth.

I stood up, drinking in every detail of his naked body sitting there in front of me. If he was the last thing I ever saw, I would die happy.

I turned around so that when I bent over, slipping my panties down my legs, he’d have a perfect view of my ass. I stepped out of them and tossed them his direction. It was my way of warning him about the pool collecting at my core, knowing he’d feel how wet they already were. He dropped them on the ground next to the rest of our neglected clothes, and I extended my hand out to him. He gladly accepted and I led him back to his bedroom.

I quickly went to shut the blinds and when I turned around, Spencer was right there. He lightly pinned me up against the wall with his already clammy hands on my shoulders. There had always been something about his salacious hands that made me excited, the way his large palms and long, thin fingers could completely control me, but didn't. How he could manhandle me but he respected me enough not to. Not like I’d particularly protest if he decided he wanted to.

He gave me a brief kiss before enveloping one of my breasts in his hand, the other in his mouth. He rolled his tongue over my hardened nipple and I arched my back toward him away from the cool wall, letting out a gasp. I was already quivering under his touch by the time he ran a finger through my folds. I must have been extra sensitive since I hadn’t had any intimate contact with anyone in almost five years.

I let out a shaky breath, and he released me from the wall, only to turn right back around and hold me down on the bed. I relinquished any control I might’ve once had in this situation, giving it all to him. He placed his hands on my inner thighs and lightly spread them apart. He took a moment to admire the pool waiting for him. He left open mouthed kisses along my inner thighs, getting dangerously close to where I really needed him. A small whimper left my throat. I wanted to be embarrassed about how sensitive I was and how easily he was unraveling me, but I couldn’t. The blissful feeling I got from every contact point radiated through my body, easily overcoming any embarrassment I could muster.

“Could I make you form coherent sentences right now?” he asked with a smug smile, knowing damn well what the answer was.

“Definitely not,” I breathed and he chuckled. He gave me a chaste kiss, immediately contrasted by running his tongue over my clit, licking up the excess moisture on the way. I involuntarily lifted my hips up, but he placed an arm over them, holding them down. He expertly sucked at my nerves, causing me to press my lips together and cling to the bedsheets for dear life. Then he abruptly stopped.

“That’s not fair. You wanted to hear everything I had to offer, and now it’s your turn. I don’t want to see you press your lips together again,” he purred, quietly but sternly. I nodded, unwilling to hear how pathetic my voice would have sounded had I responded.

He went right back to what he was doing, lapping over me a bit faster than before. I let another whimper escape me and he mumbled, “There. That’s more like it.”

Right after he’d finished talking, his tongue plunged into me. My hands moved, needing to touch him, one landing in his hair, the other on his cheek. His hands kept me from bucking my hips toward him like I wanted, so I settled for lightly tugging at his roots. This only encouraged him. He replaced his tongue with two fingers and my breathing hitched. His pace was excruciatingly slow, which I guess I deserved. My breathing became labored and the moment he picked up the pace, curling his fingers inside me, I emptied my lungs, a high pitched moan ripping through my torso. I was already so close to the edge and he wasn’t letting up. He must’ve been returning the favor from earlier.

“Spencer-” before I could get anything else out, he removed his fingers and held them up to my face. I took them in my mouth, ridding each one of my fluids. Just as quickly as they came, they left, pushing back into me. My hands moved under his jaw where he was adding extra friction, attempting to pull him away from me. He wasn’t about to let that happen, so he took each one of my hands in one of his and pinned them on either side of me, simultaneously allowing him to press down my legs with his arms. His tongue persisted on its way to finishing me, and I interlaced my fingers with his right as I came undone.

“Fuck! Oh my god, Spencer, fuck,” I spoke through moans. I hadn’t experienced anything like that, anything that strong before, and I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head. How would I survive him fully inside me? I desperately wanted to find out. He finally came up for air after placing one last delicate kiss on my clit. He crawled up the bed so he was looming over me, perfectly positioned at my entrance. I hooked my hand around his neck and pulled him down to me. I put my other hand right on his scar, asking, “How does this feel?”

“If I’m being honest, I completely forgot about it.”

I smiled knowing that I was making for a great distraction. “Good. Let’s keep it that way for a while.”

He nodded in agreement and reached over my head to a drawer. He pulled out a small package but I stopped him before he tore it open.

“We don’t have to,” I said.

He stopped quickly and looked at me, puzzled. “We don’t have to use one if you don’t want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I’m covered,” I said. I’d been on birth control since I was fourteen, and once I joined the gang, they did everything in their power to make sure that none of their ‘special ladies’ ever got pregnant. I knew that there was absolutely no chance of that now, so there was really no reason to use one.

The remains of a question lingered on his face, but he placed it back in his drawer. We didn’t have to get into that right now.

He leaned back slightly to line himself up, then he slowly pushed into me, my only warning being the look he gave me right before. I gasped as he filled me to the hilt. He slowly rocked into me, letting me adjust. I circled my hips under him finding the best position as he rested his head in the crook of my neck. I could feel his hot breath in time with his shallow thrusts.

⚠️ Warning: below this is where the sexual abuse content starts

That’s when the flashbacks hit me.

We weren’t in Spencer’s room anymore, not even in his apartment. The walls morphed into those of concrete slightly stained with water, the rhythmic sound of droplets dripping into a puddle behind me. It was dark and cold, and I could feel the springs of the dirty mattress moving beneath me, the musty air blanketing the room. I went to find comfort in Spencer but he wasn’t there anymore. The body looming over me, pushing into me, breathing down my neck was not Spencer. Instead, I found a man with an all too familiar buzz cut, tattoos littering his neck, and those chilling grey eyes that matched the unforgiving scenery surrounding us. I started to panic. It was this man who’d drugged me and tossed me around to his friends before using me, who’d held me down and choked me into submission, and who left me bloody, bruised, and broken.

My breathing became shallow, vision blurring, and my heart rate rapidly increased.

“Stop,” I could barely hear myself, but Spencer got the message.

He quickly pulled out and was sitting on his knees, looking me over. “What? Are you okay, did I hurt you?”

He sounded alarmed, but I shook my head. “No, no. You were perfect. I just … I just had a moment.”

“A moment?” he asked, timid.

“A flashback,” I explained. Realization spread through his glorious features and he started to back away from me. “No, it’s okay,” I grabbed him before he could move any farther away from me, terrified that if he left me I would shatter, pulling him into a hug. I could feel the heat between us and the meager sweat that was clinging to our bodies. My breathing was still unsteady as I shook the images from my head. I breathed him in, the sweet smell of autumn and cinnamon reminding me that it was just Spencer.

He tentatively put his hands around me, returning the hug. He repeated in my ear, “You’re safe. I’ve got you. It’s just me. You’re safe.”

I nodded into his shoulder. I felt ashamed and overexposed, wanting to pull the sheets around me, but I was too paralyzed to even move. I didn’t want to make things worse and I certainly didn’t want to scare Spencer away, assuming I hadn’t already done that. I couldn’t bring myself to actually look at him, knowing the worry in his eyes would only fuel the guilt that threatened to drown me.

How many more moments with Spencer would be ruined? Why couldn’t I just leave my past behind and move on?

I reminded myself that what happened wasn’t my fault, but every time the memories were triggered, that’s how I felt.

I slowed my breathing until I had it under control. “Thank you. I’m so sorry.”

Spencer pulled away but only slightly so that he had a better view of my face. He looked astonished. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.”

“I know, it’s just that I want this, I want you, and of course my problems have to get in the way.”

“Don’t say that,” he said as I sat up a little, letting him cradle me in his arms. “We can take it slow.”

“I know, but I’m tired of taking it slow. I’m tired of not going after what I want because I’m scared. I'm tired of letting this get in the way,” I said, forcing myself to bite back the tears. He looked at me with as much sympathy as he could.

“What do you want me to do?” he whispered, concern swimming in his eyes.

I sat completely up and kissed him, letting my hands roam his body. He stayed perfectly still, careful not to do anything that would upset me. Without pulling away from the kiss, I gripped his hands from behind my back and placed them on my hips. He kept them there, unmoving, as my hands went to cup his face. I relocated my lips, planting a kiss on each of his sharp cheekbones.

“Close your eyes,” I told him, placing a gentle kiss on top of each eyelid. I pressed my forehead to his, letting our noses slightly rub against each other’s. “I want you.”

Spencer opened his eyes, looking right through me, making sure that this was what was truly going through my mind. He moved his hands from my hips, putting one on my lower back and the other behind my neck. He carefully laid me back down on his bed, moving back in between my legs. I wrapped them around his body trying to show him that it was okay, but I knew him better than that and he’d still be hesitant. Because he was nothing like those men.

I looked him straight in the eyes as I whispered, “I’m alright. I trust you.”

It was his turn to be on the teary-eyed end of this conversation. I brushed away his tears before they could fall and he promised me, “I would never hurt you.”

“I know.”

For the second time that day, he bent over and kissed the scar between my breasts. He looked up at me, eyes still glistening. “You are so strong.”

I didn’t feel strong and I wanted to break down, melt into nothing in his arms, but I forced myself to stay composed. I knew it was too much to ask of him but if there was one person on this planet that I could get over his hurdle with, it was Spencer Reid.

He looked at me expectantly. I took a deep breath and said, “I’m ready.”

Slowly, even slower than before if that was possible, he pushed back into me. My head swam from the overwhelming mixture of emotions.

He gauged my reaction, and after a few moments, decided to start moving a little faster. “Is this okay?”

“Yes,” I said. “I want you to take control.”

He was about to ask me something, probably if I was sure, but he thought better of it. “Please just tell me if you need me to stop. I don’t want you to push yourself past what you’re ready for.”

“I won’t. I’ll tell you if it gets to that,” I replied.

Soon enough, he started getting faster and faster, continually checking if I was okay. I wanted him to stop worrying about me, which I knew was impossible, but put my hands in his hair and pulled him down to my chest anyway. I took away his option of looking at me, and tugged at his beautiful, chaotic, wavy locks when he hit that spot just right. In doing so, I gave myself greater access to his neck and I took full advantage, biting and sucking at various spots. I could feel him every time he thrust into me and I moved to start lightly biting at his traps, trying to stifle my moans against his skin. He kept pushing deeper and deeper into me, and I scraped my nails all the way down his back. He grunted slightly at the stinging I was sure followed, but I was too busy paying attention to the fingers that were now circling my clit. I was close to my second orgasm, but I held out, wanting to wait for Spencer. In my efforts, I had to put my head back on the pillow, looking almost directly behind me. My nails found anything they could sink into, surly leaving marks down his sides and biceps. My breath quickened as my legs started to tremble. I licked my lips and bit my bottom one, trying to hold out for any sign that he would be right behind me. His thrusts finally became sloppy and he looked down at me, seeming to know that I was waiting for him.

“Let go,” he said, the sound of his voice the missing piece I’d been waiting for. My walls clenched around him and he emptied himself, our fluids mixing together inside me. My moans were on the brink of screams as he helped us both ride out the orgasms that washed over us. Once we had both returned to earth, he just stayed hovering over me, not making a move to pull out. I just looked up at his glowing figure, letting out a sigh of relief.

“What’s that for?” His tone was gentle.

“It’s just that you are the first person I have ever actually wanted to have sex with,” I said, the realization also hitting me.

His eyes got huge and he seemed astounded. “What?”

“Yeah,” I said, giving him a shy smile. “And you helped me through one of the biggest hurdles I have ever experienced.”

He mirrored my smile pulling out, and walked to his bathroom to get a towel. The same towel I’d dried off with earlier that day. Had it really only been this morning that I was showering with him?

He spread my legs again, wiping our mess off of me. When he was done, he just dropped the towel on the floor, mumbling something about picking it up in the morning, and came to lay down next to me. He rolled onto his side to face me and winced.

“Oh yeah. How is it?”

“Fine,” he said, struggling onto his back again.

“Wrong.”

“It is fine. I just can’t lay on that side of my body.”

Without another word, I got up from my side of the bed and walked around to his side. I laid down facing him, giving him the opportunity to roll onto his good side.

“Thank you.”

“Mhm,” I replied. I gazed at him dreamily, still not fully able to comprehend what had just happened.

“I’m surprised you didn’t want control,” he whispered after a while of silence.

“I don’t want control. I’m sick of being in control. I just want to let go. I want to not have to worry about the walls I’ve put up, knowing that there is someone I trust, someone other than myself, taking care of me for the moment. I mean, sometimes I don’t even think I’m doing a good job taking care of me,” I complained, and he nodded in understanding. “I know you’re the opposite.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean that you like being in control. I can tell that sometimes you feel like things in your life are just slipping away from you, and this is a place where you can try to counter that feeling.”

He just nodded, seeming almost embarrassed by that, but it was nothing to be ashamed of. We laid side by side just facing each other, Spencer’s hand tracing the curves of my body. He eventually broke pattern and traced along my collarbone and down to the scar he seemed to have a slight fascination with.

“It commemorates the end of an era for me. The end of the gang, and the last time I was ever taken advantage of,” I explained.

“You don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to,” I took a shaky breath in and looked into his soft eyes. He knew in a general sense some of the things I’d been through, and he knew more than anyone else in my life, but I’d never told him in detail what happened. Actually, I’d never told anyone. This was something I kept closed up in the depths of my mind, but he’d already seen some of it, and I trusted him to see all of it. It might be nice, too, to not have to deal with everything alone for once. I rubbed my thumb into my palm as I started, “There was a group of men in the gang that targeted me, probably because I was young and naive. I didn’t know how gangs worked. The only thing I knew was that if you wanted to survive, you had to get to the top. The head of this clique was the right hand to Rafael, the leader of the entire gang, so angering him, refusing him, wasn’t an option. They were a messed up sort of protection system. They would come to my rescue out on the streets, only to turn back around and make me pay for it. They had me believing that I had no way out, that I would die without their protection. Plus, Rafael trusted this man with his life, so him and his buddies weren’t going anywhere. And neither was I. I had nowhere to go, so I did nothing. It’s not like Rafael was going to listen to me over him anyway. So when he passed me around to all of his friends like I was nothing more than a blunt, I didn’t fight them. I couldn’t. All fighting did was get me beat beforehand, and I figured that it was bad enough without their fists involved. After that, they would drug me and force me to …” I choked on the words and decided I’d skip over that part. I didn’t want to paint that image into his perfect memory and have him think of it every time he saw me. “Once things started going awry for the gang and we all knew we were going under soon, he and his friends got more frustrated which meant they needed an outlet more than ever. But because things were going to be over soon, I started fighting back harder than I ever had. On the night before the gang officially crumbled, he gave me this. He told me that I wasn’t going to be able to escape the sinking ship this time. I’d made it out of so many near-death experiences at that point, the Storefront Slaughterer, the house fire, gang conflicts, police conflicts, and imprisonment, unscathed, that he thought this would finally be the hill I died on. He sliced me open like the animals he hunted, hoping that I’d bleed out. For a while, this ruined me, everyday waking up and remembering everything that was associated with it,” I admitted. It made me feel like other men, good men like Spencer, would look at me and see that I was weak and broken, driving them away. He put it right in the center, which felt like he was destroying the center of my soul, draining the love straight out of my heart. “Sometimes it still does that, but I'm trying to get better. Every time I see it now, I remind myself that I survived,” I pressed his hand flat to my chest, allowing him to feel the rhythmic beating below, “that I do have a heart pumping blood through my veins, that I am only human, and that I am stronger because of it.”

He leaned in to kiss me and I faded into him, our hands still pressed against my bare chest. I was thankful he didn’t say anything, instead pulling me to him, beginning to fuse my broken pieces back together as he did so. He left a pile of moppy brown curls in my face and I reached my free hand up to play with the loose ones on the edges, not willing to risk losing the warmth of his hand on my chest by moving mine. I shifted onto my back and Spencer barely opened his eyes, wondering what I was doing. I guided his head onto my shoulder as he curled into me, both of us quickly falling asleep after the emotionally draining day.

End of the sexual abuse section. All other warnings still apply

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

I woke up to find that neither of us changed position throughout the night, sleeping soundly with our hands still stacked over my heart. I moved my other hand from his hair, brushing my fingertips over his back, over his side, over his hip bone, ending with my hand resting on his lower stomach. We had both slept nude, the sheets a disaster around us. I didn’t even notice he was awake until I felt his hair streak across my body.

“Good morning,” he said, voice groggy.

“Good morning,” I responded through a yawn.

He sat up and I saw the red marks my nails left on his body. I caressed my fingertips over the sensitive spots and got up on my knees behind him, mumbling into his hair, “I hope I didn’t scrape you up too badly.”

He reached over his shoulders and guided my hands from his back over onto his chest. I crossed them over his body, embracing him from behind.

“No. I like them,” he said way too innocently. I smiled to myself and leaned around him to kiss his temple before I untangled myself from him.

We both got dressed (barely), and operated our day as usual. The mandatory two weeks was coming to a close soon, so we both absorbed as much of this peaceful alternate universe as we could. Hotch was right. We both desperately needed time off.

But there is no better way to end ‘vacation time’ than to be in a panic.

Ever since that night, we both slept together in his bed. I think we both really enjoyed having the safety and comfort of the other around as much as possible.

Sunday night before we were supposed to return to work on Monday, I woke up to an empty bed. I listened to see if I heard Spencer somewhere else in the apartment, and when I didn’t, I got up to check. I went to the bathroom, the kitchen, even his tiny balcony and he was nowhere to be found.

“Spencer?” I called out.

No response.

“Spencer!”

Where the hell is he?

My mind started to work frantically and I looked around for my phone. The adrenaline coursing through me made my hands shake as I dialed his number. I took a couple deep breaths, knowing that he was probably fine and would be back soon.

That thought changed when I heard a faint ringing in the background.

No, no, no, no.

I raced to where I heard the ringing, finding his phone left under a stack of papers on his desk. My mind went to the worst places of what could have happened, what could be happening. I quickly threw on my sweatshirt and slipped on a pair of shoes, and hurried out the door. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was thinking I’d do. It’s not like I could just wander the streets looking for him. I got about halfway down the stairs, practically running Spencer over.

“Aundreya! What are you doing?”

“I could ask you the same question!” I retorted, exasperated.

“I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to bother you with my restlessness. I just walked down to the street for some fresh air,” he replied. My mind was working 100 miles an hour so I couldn’t gauge how truthful that was.

“What the hell!’” I whacked his arm. “I was worried and you left your phone in the apartment.”

“I’m sorry. I thought I’d be back before you woke up,” he said. He sounded honest enough and I couldn’t think of anything else he’d be doing. Except…

“Show me your arms,” I demanded. He sighed but rolled up his sleeves. I examined his arms and then his eyes, looking for any sign of drug use. I forced him to empty his pockets, making sure he didn’t have any drugs still on him.

“I promise you that I was not taking dilaudid,” he said. I looked straight into his eyes, trying to detect any hint of a lie.

When I found none I said, “Alright. Let’s get back upstairs. We can still try and get another four hours of sleep before we have to wake up again to go to work.”

When we got back to his room, I was still shaking from the adrenaline. Luckily, the release from knowing that nothing had happened made me quite tired. He slipped into bed next to me.

“You know, I really enjoy work and the people we work with, but I have to say these last two weeks with you were amazing,” he murmured.

“I agree. I’m going to miss this,” I replied.

“Mhm.”

“No one can know about this.”

“I know. I don’t want them to.”

I squinted my eyes open. “I know we’d get into trouble, but why wouldn’t you want them to know?”

“I like this space we’ve created. I don’t want anyone else encroaching on it, tainting it. I like having this just be between you and me.”

You and me.

I liked the sound of that.

Taglist (open)

@justanothetfangirl

#spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid #aundreya chambers #criminal minds #cm #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #behavioral analysis unit #bau #dr spencer reid #reid #dr spencer reid fanfic #dr spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer x oc

[ranger-report]

Thoughts On: Mortal Shell  Open Beta

I want to start this off by stating up front that I am not a fan of Dark Souls in any way, shape, or form. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Dark Souls is bad per se. I actually really like the world the games have built up. I watch videos on the lore, the environments, the bosses, and I find it all thoroughly fascinating, it's just that when I play video games I like to enjoy playing them, and playing Dark Souls is like bashing my head against a wall repeatedly because I'm using my forehead in lieu of a hammer and these goddamn nails just won't go in the wall. Oh, I've tried to get into it; I've put in two separate six-hour runs, along with diving into Bloodborne because I'd heard that game rewards players who are more aggressive vs the measured style of Souls, but no matter what, I just don't have the patience to be punished over and over again by a game that actively hates me. So imagine my surprise when I not only got into Mortal Shell, but actually persisted to play through the entire demo.

Mortal Shell, developed by Cold Symmetry, is a Souls clone and proud of it. Currently, the open beta is available to download via the Epic Game Store. Pre-purchase is up and running for $29.99. The first trailer was released on April 1st of this year, but make no mistake, the game is no joke. Far from it. For those coming in late to the party, Dark Souls's gameplay revolves around slow, methodical combat in which the player has to read enemy patterns in order to know when to strike, parry, dodge, etc. Any enemy in the game can potentially be a bad time, meaning that if the player gets a little too cocky and impatient, a solid run can so south pretty fucking quickly if they're not paying attention to timing. That's literally what the game is: a massive, calculated game of timing, fueled by trial and error. If you die – and you will, frequently – you're sent back to the last checkpoint you camped at or visited or lit up. You'll have one chance to forge your way back to the point where you died, and reclaim all the currency you worked so hard to accumulate, but if you die again before you do, all of it is lost. So essentially we're working with a complex risk and reward system, in which any fight could be your last, any moment could turn ugly, and your character is having the worst fucking day they could imagine.

Mortal Shell takes this formula and puts a bit of a spin on it. Sure, you've got the health bar, the stamina bar – which depletes any time you attack, dodge, or run – the quick items, and the ability to parry and commit heavy attacks if your timing is right. But what it does differently is the character system itself. Most Souls games involve the player creating a character and slowly leveling up as time goes by. You could become a super beast depending on what you choose to invest in. Shell puts you in charge of a Foundling, basically a nameless/faceless lost spirit, who can inhabit the bodies of fallen warriors it comes across. Each warrior – called a Shell – has different attributes which can be leveled up. Some Shells are faster, some are tougher, and each one has their pros and cons to fit your play style. In the beta, we get two, named Harros and Tiel. Harros is a well-rounded fighter, your basic bitch knight class, while Tiel is more of a rogue, which a much higher stamina bar but can be hurt a lot quicker. Regardless of which Shell you choose to inhabit, you're carrying around what has to be one of the most badass swords I've seen in a video game in quite some time. Called the Hallowed Sword, it's two handed and looks like it could ruin pretty much anything if you put your mind to it. It has a secondary attack where it turns into a goddamn spear for massive damage. There's another weapon in the beta, a hammer and chisel, but I somehow missed that in my playthrough. I'm eager to dive back in and find it, but for now we'll focus on the sword. Sweet Jesus, that sword. If a fantasy game had the equivalent of a double-barreled shotgun, it would be the Hallowed Sword.

There's also a catch to hitching a ride in the Shells: if you take too much damage, the Foundling will be knocked out of the Shell, vulnerable and weak. You'll have an opportunity to get back into the Shell, and if you do, it's an instant HP refill and you're back in the fight. Your Shell can die twice, but if you're knocked out of the Shell a second time, it's game over and back to the checkpoint. This is inventive because dying isn't immediately a punishment, and it's also neat because the Foundling can still carry the Hallowed Sword while trying to get back to the Shell. I have a feeling YouTube is going to be full of No Shell Runs in which players go hard as only the Foundling, chopping, parrying, dodging, somehow escaping damage. And make no mistake, the naked Foundling will die in one hit without a Shell. Having a safety net like this automatically makes gameplay more forgiving and also more intense. Say you fuck up and get knocked out of your Shell early on, leaving you with just one more chance to get through to the next checkpoint knowing if you get knocked down again, you're done. That's a rush unlike many I've played in video games. Also the frantic panic of running and dodging as the Foundling, surrounded by enemies, trying to get back to your Shell, desperate to stay alive, is shockingly effective.

However, there's another weapon in the Foundling's arsenal: the ability to Harden. Pressing the left trigger instantly turns the Foundling into a rock solid statue, unable to move, but also unable to take damage for one single hit. Once the hit lands, the Harden goes away and the Foundling starts moving again. What is absolutely wild about this are the potential combat tactics that can arise. Because if the Foundling is moving or attacking when the Harden goes into effect, they will immediately resume what they were doing when the Harden is gone. So say you're going in for a light strike, followed up by a heavy strike, and before you can land the heavy strike the enemy goes into attack animation. You hit the Harden, freezing mid-swing, and the enemy connects – and then your heavy strike animation resumes, smashing into the enemy, staggering them, freeing you up to either dodge away or get in another attack. Some enemies will be staggered just from hitting your Hardened form, so even if you're not mid-swing, you'll have a window of opportunity to get in and sucker punch. But Harden has a cooldown period, so if you use it at the wrong time, you'll have a wait a minute before you can use it again. And come out of it at the wrong time, you could be facing the business end of a bad day.

What initially drew me to Mortal Shell was definitely not the concept of a Souls game, but rather that Cold Symmetry cited old-school first person shooter Quake as one of their influences on the game. By and large this comes across in the aesthetics: browns, grays, armor textures, otherworldly pagan imagery, skulls and bones and dark caverns, it's all over the place, and it's lovely. Grimy industrial atmosphere permeates everything. Enemies range from brutish bandits with swords and pikes, to imp-like creatures that poison you when they strike. And the monster design is a visual chef's kiss, craggy and awful and menacing. My personal favorite is the Pincushion Warrior, which I've dubbed because it looks like a goddamn pincushion. Walking around with an eyeless helmet and multiple fucking swords sticking out of its torso like, well, a meaty pincushion, when it notices you from afar it will pull out one of the swords and throw it you. It'll keep doing so until you get into melee range, at which point it pulls out two swords, one for each hand, and come at you fast and hard. Do enough damage to it and it will attempt a kamikaze maneuver, in which it rips off its fucking head to throw at you and release a poison cloud which does massive damage over time. Seriously one of the most metal things I've seen, and I cursed the fuck out loud when I saw it the first time. But the showstopper, the truly most outstanding beast in the beta, is the Enslaved Grisha, a lumbering monstrosity that looks like a combination between Silent Hill's Pyramid Head and BioShock's Big Daddy. You fight it in an icy cave, and its attacks are so thunderous it will shake loose stalactites from the ceiling which can fall on top of you for damage. It's fast, brutal, mean, and intimidating, and beating it was such a terrific rush that it made me wonder why I've never gotten into this style of game before when it feels this rewarding to win against a tough enemy. Maybe it's because Soulsborne games are vicious and unrelenting in their assault on the player as they slowly attempt to crawl their way through the environment. Here, it seems like there's just enough stacked in the player's graces to save them that it's simultaneously more forgiving and more brutal. With the Harden ability and the different Shells as combat style options, the choices presented to the player are unique enough to offer a deep challenge, but one that players themselves can modify depending on how they want to play.

There's a couple other mechanics that I want to touch on briefly while I'm here: Resolve, and Familiarity. Resolve is essentially a limit break with multiple uses. When you're attacking enemies, you're building Resolve, and can keep track of how much you're gaining via the meter above your health. But while it builds through attacks, it slowly goes away unless you fill a whole bar, and each Shell will have a different number of bars to fill. For example, Harros has four bars, Tiel has only two. Once a bar is filled, you'll be able to use the Resolve in one of two ways. The first is parrying; you can attempt to parry if you don't have resolve, but in my experience it worked better when I had a bar built up. If you've got the Resolve when you parry, you'll do so with greater success, but it'll also open up a window for you to hit the attack button immediately after. Time it right, and you'll do a powerful strike which will regain a large portion of health, which is handy as fuck when you don't have healing items, but also uses up a lot of Resolve. This can hinder you a little bit if you want to use your special strike. Remember how I said the Hallowed Sword has a super strike where it turns into a spear and does a fuckload of damage? Yeah, you need to fill up at least one or two Resolve bars in order to use it. I'm not sure if you need one bar, two bars, or a full load, haven't done as much experimenting with that as I'd like. Some things in the game are still obtuse, relying on trial and error to discover, which brings us around to Familiarity: picking up items in the game world at first gives only a brief guess at what the items will actually do, so you have to use them to figure out what their effect is. This can be positive, or negative, but the more you use said items the more familiar the Foundling becomes with the effect. Each item has a different number of times you need to use it to become completely familiar with it, but once you do, it'll unlock bonus side effects. For example, the weltcap mushrooms restore 40 hit points over the course of 60 seconds (the regen shrooms I mentioned earlier). But use them often enough, and the Foundling will get a bonus effect of being able to dodge once without using any stamina to do so. Meanwhile, using the tarspore mushrooms – which infect poison damage – will eventually make the Foundling immune to poison damage for 120 seconds. For me this is one of the more revolutionary parts of the game, which requires the most amount of trial and error and experimentation. Of course you're not going to want to use the poison mushroom again after it killed you with poison, but if you take it enough, next thing you know you're immune to poison for two minutes? This is wild when confronted with Imps that deal poison damage with each strike they land, or the fucking Pincushion Warriors and their suicide poison bomb. But at the same time, this could be a bit frustrating when the player gets rare items that are hard to come by, which may have huge bonuses, or massively negative effects. I love it, but also kind of hate it, though where Harden and Resolve add complementary aspects to the combat, Familiarity throws in the gamble of figuring out whether a consumable will do you harm, or make your day.

Mortal Shell has already impressed the hell out of me simply by being a Soulsborne game that I can play and not feel vandalized by, but also through sheer innovation and attention to detail. The atmosphere is thick and luscious, the combat is deep and so are the RPG elements, and there's a genuinely terrifying obtuse story being played out. I did have a few issues with my playthrough, notably the two times the game crashed, one of which forced me to force restart my desktop. A few other ragdoll glitches notwithstanding, the beta is a resoundingly solid experience which is promising great things for the full game. Something which, to my unending surprise, I have already pre-purchased based on this demo. May wonders never cease.

#ck burch #rubyranger #thoughts on #mortal shell #cold symmetry #dark souls #bloodborne #quake #soulsborne #soulslike #review #open beta #epic games store #ranger report

[anesthetxc-main]

Happy New Years!!!

It happened! We survived another year and this happened to be our FIRST YEAR on this blog!

Natalia and I have had the HONOR of working with so many fantastic people and can’t believe the amount of LOVE we’ve received from the community. With over 1350+ followers within the span of 9 months? Getting around 10 meme’s a day? We can’t BELIEVE it!

We’re going to pump out some love for a few very special individuals that have made this experience a HAPPY one. In no particular order -- and if I’ve MISSED you send us a message and we’ll add you on.

Also it’s Feburary 2nd, this has been sitting in my drafts since New Year’s Day so forgive how late this is!

@ssprxmx​ -- yo I just LOVE these two and their little interactions. Natalia’s such a little flirt and the moment she locked eyes on Stephen that man was in trouble! Your portrayal is absolutely beautiful and I’m secretly addicted to the reactions Nat gets out of him when she says something nasty or surprises him with her gentle caring affections like when she gives him her scarf. Even though she might flirt a little too much I promise she cares so much for him and will protect him from all the little evils in the world. 

@rockingthe45​ -- okay, so this little blond haired shit likes to start other shit and pull people into it. For sure the highlight of my nights is watching Steve try to fight other people and bring them down with really good puns, or maybe that whole “arguing whose the tallest” thing might’ve been the greatest interactions IC before on tumblr that wasn’t an official thread or plotted. I love how snarky your Steve is and whenever he and Nat interact it’s precious because sometimes I sit at my computer wondering how the hell she’s supposed to react to something he said, or I’m trying to think of a better reply because Nat will NOT be one-upped by her virgin best friend.

@casualxwriter​ -- probably the character I’ve been working on the longest dating back to May 2015. I know, insane, right? I’ve had the greatest honor or working with a character and watching their arc develop, literally over years, from a first meeting, a first date, to a wedding, to a separation, now to immortality. Adam and Nat have their own adventure and we’re so excited to see where it goes and what hell we’re going to put them through!

@sayyoullalwayshauntme​ -- we’ve only been working togethere for about a month and we’ve already done so much? There’s nothing I love more than actual chemistry between characters and I think we’ve done it! Natalia and I get so excited whenever we see you’re on and know we’re in for a treat! Her Jordan is just bomb and loves to see his youthful energy because it balances out with her own maturity; I don’t care what anyone says, they’re a complete power couple and I hope they go on forever!

@callmecatman​ -- one of first nsfw interactions I’ve had since starting this blog, and it’s so much deeper than that! I really didn’t expect it, but Natalia has totally fallen in love with Junior and she does care for Blake, just not as much as she loves her Junior. That boy is undoubtedly the most lucky guy ever to have snagged her; she so enthralled with how sweet he is and even still blushes whenever he calls her pretty. Also helps he’s actually pretty good in bed.

@hxtties -- Clark Kent is a total farm boy daddy and no one can convince Nat and I otherwise. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking Superman won’t fuck a girl until she passes out because this Clark will prove them wrong. We’ve gone so much deeper than just smut but Natalia is on the opposite end of the spectrum with her work while Clark stands for justice and honor. It’s actually a rather complicated dynamic, but it works. If not, Nat will work for sex.

@tatteredsmiles​ -- Loki just LOVES his spontaneous little ballerina and the arrogant princess! I love your AU portrayal of Loki because sometimes Nat and I need a different version of a character we play with quite frequently. I look forward to every reply we get from you! Keep being awesome.

@firejugglinghobo -- you were for sure a hidden gem! I remember finishing the movie and was like “shit I gotta find a Dustfinger right now” and when I found your blog I was absolutely elated you wanted to plot something with silly ole’ me! Even though Natalia doesn’t show it and might seem a little too forward with her flirtations, she does fully intend on following through in her promise to help him find a way home. Who knows where that will eventually lead! 

@iamthexweapon -- do you know how goddamn excited I was when I met someone willing to do our main plot? How many times Natalia’s wanted a daddy and she’s finally got one? And because it’s me, of course I turn it to angst when they were having awesome kinky sex only twenty notes earlier. Thank you for your willingness to embrace Nat’s kinky side and give her something to build on!

@ircnego -- Okay, scratch what I said above about Nat being kinky, because every chance she gets to flirt with Tony she’s going to take it and will raise the bar each time. I swear, one day she’s gonna end up in your inbox saying someone leaked a sex tape of them just because she’s gonna insist on public sex one day. Thanks putting up with this dork!

@rlyehbound -- there was something very interesting about your character that drew Nat in. Sometimes it can get quite difficult shipping or flirting with the same characters and it’s always a welcomed change for Natalia to meet a stranger. Even more fun when she’s trying to figure him out! She won’t be entirely surprised that the man she happens to meet by chance is immortal, because really? Nothing scares her anymore.

@thehunterprogram -- you. You get your ass back on this website and do some replies because you did NOT just leave Nat to hang after finding something out about his past that she and I have waited FOUR YEARS to get answers. That’s just rude! We have a goddamn story to finish! <3

@mischieftomake   -- I love, love, love spontaneous threads! I like how they came in pre-established to make things easier in terms of relationship building, but let’s be real, Natalia and I aren’t patient and we love the added angst of a secret relationship so of course we went for a marriage. Don’t blame her!! We both have a thing for drama, and Nat’s so happy!! She loves every bit of her husband and I hope the more we work together the more we can uncover between our dorks and their genuine love they hold for each other.

 @greenwithgamma -- so in no way shape or form do I ship Bruce and Nat, so I was actually quit thankful when you sent in the meme for an AU because I’m totally comfortable with it. But through that AU we were able to get a feel for each other’s writing and it allowed me to ease into the idea and build from there. I’m super thankful you’re around because it’s given me a new perspective on a future relationship and I can accept part of what happened in the movie that shall not be named. You’re a treasure and I appreciate all you’ve helped me with mentally, even if you don’t realize it! Nat and I are quite excited for your return this month! 

 @olliscot -- You like for sinday starters, there’s about a 75/25 chance it’s a professor/student AU, but in our case it started off as a number meme and I SWEAR that’s the one that popped up! Worked well, too, because I’m not only loving the smut, but I love their little hateship dynamic. I’m super super excited for when they go back to class one day because Nat totally has something planned that will either make Oliver pissed or hard.

 @sicxriius -- so there’s is a huge lack of Winter Soldier rp’ers here so the very few I get to stick I try to cram as much love into them as I possibly can! You’re a very sweet writer and your interpretation as James is lovely. Thank you for allowing Natalia to cry in front of him because she’s so close to an emotional breakdown because of how much she cares for him.

@watsonofagun -- okay. WOW. Real talk. First of all, that meme you answered like a month ago complimenting me? I think about that everyday. I can’t ever explain to you how much it means to me you think I’m quality, because YOU are absolute quality. Nat and I are complete trash because we’re ALWAYS on here pumping out replies that might not be quality, but believe me when I say I sit my ass in front of my computer and put every dedication into our replies because I love our interactions! Yeah, big surprise John Watson fell in love with another spy, but it’s not common for Natalia to fall in love with a single father. He has some serious competition with Rosie! Thank you so much for you replies, I really look forward to seeing them!

@goddamnmuses -- and now onto the scheduled angst. It never happens often where Natalia’s romantically involved with a Peter, and even the threads we don’t have romance, I still get a hell of a thrill whenever Peter mentions his crush on her or talks about how beautiful she is! It’s like opposite ends of the spectrum because in one thread she’s trying to ignore how she fells about him romantically, while in the other it’s a really close friendship where she loves him in a non-romantic way and cuddles against him because the touches are great! Looking forward to future interactions!

@spiderprodigy -- Peter wants a car? He gets a car! Peter wants a mentor, he’s got it in her! I’m desperately hoping for a scene with Peter and Natalia in the movies because I really think she wants what’s best for him and would try to wiggle her way into becoming Peter’s second favorite aunt. Know you are appreciated and loved by this girl!

 @strangeofthevishanti -- Natalia LOVES her Stephen! They work really well together and over the few months we’ve been able to delve into so many AU’s that are just...they’re just incredible! We understand you’re busy with school and hope that you’ll return to us soon, because we have so much to catch up on!

@airxn -- Even though we haven’t had many replies between us, I think what’s been given is a great way to show Natalia’s vulnerability. She’s a complex character with a dark past not a lot of people she’s close to knows about, so whenever I’m given the chance to show it a little I feel so honored! It’s also awesome she has a buddy like Airin who’s willing to fly to Russia to make her feel safe and protect her!

@eldingaesir -- so was it mean to make Thor wait as long as he did? Um, yes, but in Natalia’s defense she doesn’t like waiting, therefore the punishment is justified! I love our two dorks in their states of lust and determination to tease to no end, but deep down I think she really does care for him and I hope in our future interactions it will be shown more...AFTER some great kinky sex. They’ve earned it.

@fightthehcrricane -- oh, our two dorks! Now dorks with a kid and trying to move on with their lives together without trying to kill each other! Thankfully that divorce thing is behind them, and I’m not dropping hints, but I am strongly suggesting that Raleigh propose or Nat WILL go after him with another pregnancy! Nat and I both love you! <3

@mxdeapromise -- okay, instant chemistry! Natalia flirts all the time and I don’t bother stopping her anymore, but she sees right through his playboy persona and is going to tear our his heart the first chance she can. She’ll steal his shirts, sneak into his mansion, and dance the night away until they’re the only ones left on the dance floor. Bruce should just let her or else he’s going to be suffering some consequences! 

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 11: “I Can Either Have Fun and Lose or be boring and lose” - MJ

guess i got stoned

I know I haven't made a confessional is what's probably around two weeks, but there are some things you just don't want to remember and shouldn't bother saying in this heat of the moment so from tomorrow on, we're starting fresh. Or as fresh as you can be when you're 10 feet into a giant hole you dug yourself. 

Dang – my first vote against in the entire game so far, and it was more of the "You rock but I have to vote SOMEONE" variety. Seems like I always get those. Or the avalanche of blindside votes. Not much in between.

Anyway, despite being generally pretty messy as far as tribal councils go, both of mine went as planned/expected. I'd have really liked to save Matt if I could, but MJ was being overbearingly pushy on saving Jake and nobody seemed intent on upsetting the apple cart. Not much you can do when nobody else will follow. Wes and I were pretty much on an island and, with tribe sizes still being this big, it didn't make sense to fracture the tribe. Not when there are still reasonable targets before myself.

Caspian, though, came as a surprise. Wow. Owen was saved from being double-clocked and Logan (!!!) lost a life. Unexpected as hell. But they don't seem too torn up about it, which is excellent. Doubly so because it's the music video challenge.

So why am I in a good spot on this one? Well, for one, I'm pretty good at editing video. For two, I've got Jack/Steffen on Andaman and Logan/Jake/Ruthie on Kabru who can devote all their energy to the one tribe. I can imagine having too many people spread too thin could be an issue, so I'm glad we have a good balance.

Now, why am I in a bad spot? I worry I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I'm responsible for editing two videos and filming myself lip-syncing to them, too. That could be an issue. I really can't procrastinate on it. I'm at work til 4, so I'm spending my day with Victorious (our shape-inspired tune) and The Galaxy is Ours (space, whaddup!) on loop. Hopefully I'll know the lyrics by tonight. And in the meantime I've also started gathering some stock video footage that I think could look badass in the right circumstances.

On the Kabru side, Logan (all-star that they are) has already sent their video my way, and it's absolutely awesome. After the HvV2 video, I'm totally not surprised. They go all out on these comps, and there are probably a very usable 2:15 out of the 3:00 video. If everyone on both my tribes approaches the video with this kind of enthusiasm and commitment, I have a hard time seeing either one lose.

Nobody has yet sent in on Andaman, but it's still super early. Lydia and Jack both sent pictures of their makeup last night (Jack in Skype, Lydia via Snapchat) and they both also knocked it out of the park. Steffen said he'd get on it after class, and I suspect Kait will follow suit. But I know she's also filming two videos so I don't want her getting overwhelmed, either.

As far as my videos, I've got a fairly basic idea for the space video. I might even be able to do a Bowie homage with a red lightning bolt on my face while air-playing my guitar?? Idea just came to me, but it could work. I'd need to do that video after my Kabru video though, otherwise the makeup might leave a mark that I can't immediately get off. I also had an idea involving a lightbulb, but I'll keep that one under wraps for now. Much more fun to see the end result.

As far as the Victorious vid goes... gosh, I really don't know. High energy, high impact, lots of aggression is the guidelines we set for ourselves. I've got some workout gear in the basement – maybe a high-intensity type workout vid? Getting in shape fits the theme too, right? Just spitballing at this point. I won't even be able to put much work in until after work, so I'll be caught up in my head in the meantime.

But.... AAAAGH, I love these comps. Forcing the creative side out usually ends pretty well, especially when others are around to do some of the heavy lifting. Steffen was great in offering ideas last night for the music video. We didn't end up using them because they just didn't fit QUITE right... but it's not an easy thing to be willing to throw out ideas like he did. He's down on himself for not being able to contribute much, but from my perspective he was the only one trying to provide concrete ideas. That gets him some brownie points in my eyes. Four brownie points, to be exact. Four for you, Steffen Coco. You go, Steffen Coco.

Okay, I'm brain-spewing all over the confessional page again. I'mma wrap this up. But I'm ridiculously excited to see what we can come up with here.

Phew. Everyone has been killing it today. Since the last confessional, we got stuff from Kait, Lydia and Jack on the Andaman side, with myself and Steffen still to go. On the Kabru side... less content. But Logan's still a star, and they sent me the intro that's going to kick so much ass paired with the video.

I'm in the hero or goat position right now on both tribes, I think. Andaman has been absolutely crushing it. The only way I see us losing is if I don't pull through on this video. And to do that, we still need a few shots that I'm planning on doing. But I've already gone through the content I've got and made notes on where the best segments are. Should speed my job up tonight a little bit.

As for NuNuKabru (which, it just occurred to me, has the same syllables and cadence as goo goo g'joob) I'm not exceptionally worried. It would be nice to have video from others, but I think Logan and myself alone could make a great video if we have to. Everything else is just a bonus. And fortunately, I know Ruthie's planning on sending something. Pretty sure Jakey is, too. The more, the merrier, and the better content we'll have to make a video we can be proud of.

The music video is horrible and I will never forgive myself if we lose this challenge. THIS IS MY CHALLENGE I HATE IT. Thank god I took over the album creation because my tribe would have been toast.

ummmmm so MJ and Logan went to rocks for me which I'm really grateful for. I know Ryan and Ari and Jenna all really love them and say they're an ANGEL CHILD and I was always like "ya logan is rlly nice" but now like NOW. NOW. NOW THAT LOGAN AND I HAVE TALKED MORE AND LIKE..... THEY DID THAT FOR ME JUST. WOW. I love them so much and I understand why they are so well-liked, because they really did do that selflessly for me and I dfskajhksdj oh wow. MJ idk about. Apparently he had to "flip a coin" in order to decide. And like... He went and told Kait that Jenn had told me that Kait wanted me out, but Jenn thought that I had told Kait and was like "I'm sorry but I can't switch my vote, I don't know what you told Kait but I'm done" or something along those lines and I.... whew. So MJ like.... I don't get it. He could've flipped on me, in which case yeah.... I would've revealed everything he had told me. I have it all written down, and if he crosses me somehow, then without a doubt I'm blowing up the things he said. 

At this point, I need to give up any inkling of confidence or control I might have had some point earlier in this game (which honestly was never that much). Now, it's all about survival. I am literally hanging on like.... by my teeth or whatever the phrase is. I'm terrified. If we lose this immunity (which by the way fuck all of you for making us do this when I had strep and also when I'm on a tribe that needs to win and is dysfunctional af), then I could very well be screwed because Logan drew the rock and Steven, Jenn, and Jimmy all just voted on the same side...twice.

I've been working on building a relationship with Steven. I do genuinely like talking with him, and if anyone is gonna maybe flip to help me, it COULD be him... Especially if Steffen talks to him about the whole Kait/Jenn/Jimmy thing. But idk

MY LAST CONFESSIONAL SUBMITTED WIHTOUT ME BEING DONE SORRY

anyways... STeven. Idk why he'd go against people who just went to rocks for him. And then... Maybe I could try to turn the three of them AGAINST MJ, but I seriously doubt it. And if MJ is INTENDING to stay loyal to me, then I could end up burning the one connection I have.

And theeeen there's Jenn. Idk if there was ever any hope of her switching her vote last time. Maybe she never planned on it. But we talked for nearly an hour before she thought I told Kait something.

I waited a couple of days before talking to her again, and I just kind of told her that I didn't want to ruin anything personal between her and Kait or her and I. I still like both Kait and Jenn as people, and I don't want there to be any hard feelings about anything that happens in the game. That has always been my philosophy. I'm a little bit hurt that Kait completely lied to me for honestly no reason... She didn't HAVE to come to me and say she was "so upset" like.... If she wanted me to be dead meat, and I'm already not on a tribe with her, and she ISN'T talking to me now, why did she have to be fake in the first place? Idk. I guess I'll find out after the season ends. I won't hold a grudge over it though, I'm sure she thought she had to or something. oh well :~) All it did was take the very little trust I had left in her after the not voting Jimmy and not submitting her immunity thing and...completely destroy it!!! Whew. Like I am justified now in any action I can possibly make against her (not like that time will ever come).

I don't know if I could reach out to Jenn if we end up going to tribal. Regardless, I may have options. Very few options, but options nonetheless.

I mentioned in a prior confessional that I wanted to see the Malaysia trio CHOKE kfdshfdj in the game, and yeah... That's still true. I don't want any of them to make it far at this point (if they do, good on them). But I want to make myself very clear in saying that that is on a game level only. Personally, I enjoy all three of them, and I think they're great people, and I don't wish them any harm. But they've all wronged me in this game way more than I've wronged them. If I can get one of them to trust me again, that could be ideal (like Jenn...) but unfortunately, it seems hella impossible.

Please let us somehow, by some miracle, win immunity. I will praise the all star gods that be if I can just get SOME SORT of break here. I NEED it.

im getting a really awkward vibe from people on kabru.

at least im safe on andaman i guess, but im so paranoid that even pat bit my head off so! who knows i might be going but i just gotta hope.

im willing to flip the game, if other people are.

i cant believe challenge results ruined my entire day. time to die.

Steven said he'd talk to me tomorrow which is good. The problem is like... MJ has hardly talked to me since the vote tied initially. I don't get it. He went to rocks for me and like legitimately risked his alliance with Kait and Jenn in order to protect me and....idk. He HAS been going back to school though, so I don't blame him and idk. He's probably as tired of this as we ALL ARE.

If MJ sticks with me and I can somehow flip Steven, that'll be good.

Otherwise... I go to Jenn. And try my damnedest. 

jessy, i said id work with jake. lets see if this works.

if me, ruthie, and mj vote together we can take control of this tribe? but idk about mj. mj's insane and is playing a gr8 game everyone loves him. but. lets hope he tries to mix SOMETHING up.

Well, one out of two ain't bad. 

I feel pretty bad about the terrible video quality on the Kabru video. With more time, I could have salvaged it. But we were pressed right up against the time limit. I got the video in with one minute to spare. Remind me never to sign up to edit two videos again.

I'm glad we killed on Andaman, though. Everyone kicked ass (except Carson, who did nothing because it "wasn't a good time for him." Sorry, dude, but we're all busy.) I feel like Andaman would've been an easy vote for that reason, but I'm glad we didn't need to go there. I'm especially impressed with Jack for the booklet and the trading cards. He went to infinity and beyond. (See what I did there?!) But everyone who participated really carried their weight, and that was a hard-earned win.

On Kabru, I take a lot of responsibility for the way that went. My video was not the best quality, and it was hard to edit a cohesive video with such mediocre content from myself. Ruthie had some usable clips that improved the video, and Logan, as mentioned in my previous confessionals, thoroughly killed it. IMO, they carried a lot of that video.

Where we lost the points was adherence to the theme, which... ehh. I thought we did a good job of outside the box thinking, but I guess the judges disagreed. C'est la vie. (Oh, and @Jenn Tramkellan @Justin, YOU try memorizing lyrics to two completely new songs in less than a day!!!)

Anyway, I think Jenn's comments about this tribe being full of clowns isn't entirely wrong. It would've been so much better to have more people contributing to the video. Out of seven people, we had three contribute to arguably the most visible part. Credit to MJ and Wes, the cover art was beautiful and the execution was fantastic. But some more support from a video perspective would've been appreciated. I was expecting more footage than we got, and had to use a lot of stock footage as a result. Had I known what we were getting, I might've tried to incorporate more.

Anyway, no sense looking in the past. This tribal is looking more or less straightforward. I think most of us are on board with taking out someone who didn't contribute on this challenge. MJ might object on this tribe, given his links to Carson and Jake, but I'm not playing MJ's game. I'm playing my own.

He's probably going to target Ruthie, but I'm not writing her name down this round. For one, she's taken enough hits recently, and two, she was a key contributor to the video. 

With a merge incoming, the thought of taking out a competitor is crossing my mind. I haven't made it a secret that I want Jake out, and this round is no different... but a part of me would feel bad taking him out now, given his circumstances. I hope his friend gets better. 

It sounds like Carson might have stuff going on in his life, too? But literally the only thing he said was "I'm so sorry for not helping that much but this is just not a challenge good for me at this time". And... it wasn't exactly a great time for me to put in five straight hours of recording and editing, either. But that's the name of the game, right? 

Anyway, I'm going to push Jake a little bit if the opportunity arises, but I already get the sense that Carson's name will get a lot more traction. And this is prime 'anybody-but-me' territory, especially with a presumed merge looming.

Anyway, this game has gotten past the super stressful portion. I'm doing better than I expected already. Since this round started, I've just been having a ball. This is the most fun I've had in a game since early October when I was still delusionally happy in Crusade.

Yikes I gave up on these. Literally had heart palpitations over the revote and all that jazz and luckily the rock draw worked in my favour but honestly now I'm starting to develop some personal dilemmas. Owen has been talking to me a lot more now and I know it's because we're both on deaths door waiting for someone to take our last lives. Kinda puts me in a predicament though if I were to work with him. I feel I may have revealed too much so he may #expose me but meh tbh LOL. He has good motives tbh. He brought up about us outsiders trying to band together if we can all survive....which all tea all shade I really want to do, especially with my tea time queens Ruthie & Steffen if they make it. I'm not sure what tribe Ruthie is even on though so if they were to boot her and I made a move I'd be down one. However Lydia has told me she feels kinda lost in her group, obviously. Only thing is every time she talks to me she disappears after 2 messages like hun. I need a convo not a passing hi. Anyways I know she likes Owen cuz of things and I know we have our past experience together, both good and bad but we could work something. I just feel with every group I go to I'd be thrust to the bottom. I think the Malaysia 3 want me as a number should a splinter in the two lifer group happen, which it will have to eventually. I just don't know what to do. It would really hurt my personal character to boot Jenn or Jimmy. I would vote MJ, if Owen would to survive. However that means flipping the Malaysia pair which may not happen because they probably don't want so many people left with 1 life b/c of them. I need to be careful not to put my eggs in too many baskets because knowing my luck a fucking elephant would stop over all of them. 

mmmmmmmmmmmm im trying to be quiet this round idk. just hoping for the best for tribal tonight. not much has really been happening on my end bc ive been busy, but yesterday i mostly just tried to do some light damage control w the malaysia ppl.

im the only person going to both tribals this round which makes me v nervous. jake is getting targeted on our tribe and the only way i can save him is if he, ruthie, carson, and i all vote for logan (blindside). which would suck bc i like logan a lot.

the issue w that is that im gonna be alienating pat and wes and theyre really gonna feel like they cant trust me after that if that's what i decide to do. the only like, thing that like...idk. im just thinking like, its still early in the game (f15!), are they really gonna hold a grudge against me for the rest of the game, especially with a merge literally right around the corner? but ugh. its just v messy. i hate being the middle man and having to make decisions like this. i feel like ppl (pat and wes) will be intimidated by me if i go thru with this logan thing. it just really sucks. idk. voting out logan would make kait suspicious of me too its just all a big mess.

i really dont want jake to leave tonight because i think that would be really boring and tbh i dont think he deserves to go pre merge? like he already lost his closest all early in the game like... that sucks. nobody gave him a chance to play and he was just constantly given a bad hand. obvs him blowing up when he got voted out of A didnt help v much but like........ whatever. jake staying in is good for my game. its better for my game than for anyone else's. this is gonna seem v selfish of me but ive played selflessly in all of my other seasons, helping GROUPS of people as well as helping myself, and that's only gotten me the win ONCE. so clearly i need to play it differently here. i should benefit myself more than others.

additionally like.....its already v unlikely ppl will let me get to the end so i might as well try to make this season interesting and keep ppl on their toes so they play harder. i can either have fun and lose or be boring and lose, so obvs im gonna take the fun route at this point.

i need to talk to carson to get him on board with this and hope for the best. jake leaving would be a p bad hit to my game anyways.

I can't wait to be idoled out tonight. Please god, Ryan, Jules, Ari and Jessica make the merge be after this tribal council. I can deal with the disadvantage myself but I'm sick of these tribes. 

AHHHH

stuff is actually happening in this game

im willing to make a move with jake because i feel like im on the bottom and i owe jessy and jake.

however, while jake and co are not certain about if not mj will flip, i think ruthie might flip because shes pretty much saying that she'll flip on jake.

while others might not see ruthie as a threat, like i havent, i definitely see her as one now.

BUT, if we can pull thsi flip off with me mj jake and ruthie, and get out logan, thatll be PERFECT, because something will actually happen in this game. im nto too worried about repercussions because... fuck that. im playing for fun

soooooo I've made a lot of progress with Steven today. He said nobody had really talked to him yet fsdkjdfshj so it's a good thing I did. Last round, Jenn so kindly emphasized to me the fact that she's worried that I'm going to form some sort of super counter-alliance with Steffen, Ruthie, Jake, Lydia, myself, and Steven and some others... Which was not true before. But now? Thanks for the idea, Jenn!!! hehehehehe :~)

I went to Steven and said basically like... There's a big group of people running things, look at who has two lives and at who has one and it's pretty clear. And I appealed to the part of him that has been just trying to survive these last few votes and told him if we joined forces with people like Steffen and Ruthie (who I knew he likes) then we had a chance to be making a change and making moves instead of being used!!!! And he said he agreed :~) He said he was morally concerned bc Jenn and Jimmy went to rocks for him but... I dont' think he'd have any reason to lie to me. And we talked for a loooooong time about all the group dynamics and how something needs to be done. I genuinely like the guy and I think he feels the same about me and if he isn't lying to me then damn I have a CHANCE in this game again.

I told MJ to go and talk to Steven and Steven was gonna talk to MJ and... If they can just decide on a damn name then whew. whew. whew. whew. whew. Pleaseeeeee Lady Gaga and other goddesses above let me have this one more chance. I need to make it a little further. 

I've always talked about how I have a lot to prove and I CANNOT fathom coming in a place that is DOUBLE DIGITS again after FUCKING OLYMPICS. I'm DONE with that! Awful horrible scary time. I need to make the merge at least or jury or something, hot DAMN

I might not be dead yet

coup ko͞o/ noun 1.a sudden, violent, and illegal seizure of power from a government.

Get ready, bitches. A coup is coming.

#SURVIVORNOTFRIENDVIVOR lets get this hashtag trending!  A possible alliance with MJ, Carson and Jakey?  SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!  It sucks because I love Logan and Pat (Wes I could care less about tbh because I feel that he hates me :/)  I'm just ready for big moves and for the game to really start. I have no idea of what we're doing but I'm so ready for this, bring on the fireworks <3

ok but also i'm probably screwed anyways rip

im nervous now bc even if ONE thing goes wrong, this plan is ruined.

if even ONE person rats, this might blow up in my face.

guess thats the problem with big moves, huh? 

we'll see what happens i guess

oh wow im a flop with confessionals huh... anyway just when u think im down and out i keep on kicking! I will not DIE in this game, @jenn remember sarawak?? u should know by now never to count me out!! mj and carson and voting with ruthie and i to blindside.... basically everyone in the game LJFLJKFKLJ. IM LITERALLY SHOOOOOK THAT I GOT CARSON TO DO THIS LIKE I DIDNT THINK HE WOULD... cause hes such a "idw rock the boat D:" type of player. but i literally sucked his ass these past two days to get his vote like im literally exhausted LKJHF.. mj wouldnt go to carson about it so i had to convince carson of it so carson goes to mj and im just shook that happened..

its funny bc logan is mesaging me like "sorry ur going :(" LKJHFLKJHF

me: omg its okay i knew it would happen :( i hope u do well!

KLJFHKLJF GODDDD... sucks bc i like logan WAY more than wes and pat but they have way too many ties and they only have one life left so we need to get them out NOW because if they make it to merge/swap theyre literally SET to WIN this game. no fucking joke. sorry logan if ur seeing this bc you were the nicest to me this whole time on this tribe but i have no other means of survival.

i cant wait for everyone to literally be shook it will truly be something. theres a chance carson is lying to mj/me/ruthie but that would be so stupid of him?? i hope he has enough intelligence to pull this off! i have faith in humanity! yeah, wish pat had one life kljfh

WHY! Why do I get so attached to people? Literally the last few days I've been talking to Owen a lot and I feel he's a strong potential ally but I've had to play fake because despite Owen's suggestions MJ hasn't seemed to bite Owen's idea so I also can't have it even just as an option. Ideally I would like to vote off MJ because out of everyone on this tribe he's extremely connected and he has no relevance to my game, nor me his. It leaves me yet again with a dilemma. I'm half tempted before tribal to send Owen my fake idol which seems kinda legit and say I'd play it on him if he voted MJ. Only thing is I'd have to get Jenn or Jimmy to also switch to MJ and when it's proven the idol is fake by not being played I've pretty much lied to everyone so I'm like? I don't think I could do that much for someone who so staunchly wanted me out only a week ago. It's hard because I like his motives further down the line, and he's also connected to those I'd like to hook in with. I don't know. I know I've had to play the liar tonight and I really don't like it. It's not me and it's not kind. False hope is worse than knowing you're leaving, and boy do I know how it feels. 

Why does everyone I get attached to leave as soon as it happens? If I somehow magically leave tonight then damn, but in all fairness I have no connections anyway? The Malay 3 is a nice group to be attached to, because I know they're carrying me a long, but I don't think people are attuned to the extent we're aligned, or how prepared I would be to chop ties. 

Steven's been quiet for the past hour. I think I'm gonna take that aaaas he's voting me out. So if this is it, peace out, it's been a little bit fun and mostly hell.

History sure does repeat itself, huh! Last TS season I was in: hosted by Ryan, 25 people, small ass tribes, and me getting screwed over by a group who were already friends.

sounds a lot like this game

So hey felicia, AND I HAD TO DEAL WITH RUTHIE THROWING HERSELF UNDER TO, even to the point to save my game in the future which is great, but like that still means I lose an ally, which is annoying, and honestly, had I not been skating by with 1 life, I would've been a lot more aggressive.....or I would've still been crying in a corner, which one is more realistic tbh.

But anyways, we now got a couple of days to do the music industry challenge, which is like the general lip sync comps that I LERV, but with a bunch of this extra shiva, so Im rolling in pain here, but here my team comes in clutch, Pat and Jack win us immunity and I MADE DAY 29 OFFICIALLY, IM AT DAY 100 I CAME AND I DID WHAT I NEEDED TO DO!!!!!!!! But now I need to continue whatever the heck I'm doing and if this is not merge, WHICH WOULD BE EVIL YA BUMS, I will literally die cause this is 10 people left in each game, like what freaking else am I going to be able to do. Especially with freaking someone having an idol, and yes someone (probably Carson) has an idol, cause Owen got the clue from Alex, but someone got it at the volcano which is dumb as heck, or not really dumb but now Im skating on eggshells again cause this aint gucci at all.

So as we won immunity, we got to go to the adventure again, and UNFORTUNATELY, I made Lydia waste 2 of her lives on mercury cause I can't figure that out, but APPARENTLY, I figured out the way to safely get through Jupiter, but I couldn't beat the flash game so now Im sitting here without the ability, so now Im here trying to get Pat to do it too, and turns out THIS FLASHGAME IS HIS JAM, but I'm also sitting here with a Danny Devito picture and a crying Pat and rn this just feels weird.....BUT IM ROLLING WITH IT.

So now Im waiting for tribal to happen, waiting to see what hell is raised and hoping for merge real quick but who even knows at this point, Owen feels dead and Steven ain't telling me anything but Im also here predicting immunity results

On 1/30/17, at 8:54 PM, Steffen Bøhn wrote: > I stay safe in game a On 1/30/17, at 8:54 PM, Steffen Bøhn wrote: > how about you stay safe in game b remember when I quoted the future

that was in a pm with Jimmy

Like back off Raven cause Steffen is in town, *hair flips*, anyways gonna die like a bum, so lets see what the announcement will be tonight.

and that's how owen died

I hope MJ gets blown up somehow. He's playing the best game wihtout a doubt.

I didn't expect it to hurt this much but I think it's because I know if I would've survive this then I could've gone to merge and jury. I would've been okay with just...making it to that point. I'm really upset now though and idk what to do. I'm sure it'll be fine. I just wanted a lot of things very badly and idk anymore kdfsjhdsfkjfhdskj

I'm a little upset with Kait for not ever messaging me at all like....even now? Nothing? Idk. I don't know if I'll feel upset at these people for a long time or what. I think I just need to take some time away.

Thank you hosts for a great game and a great twist. A lot of things didn't go my way and I really really really really wish they would have :( 

#confessionals #ivebeenbamboozled