#for years ive treated this blog like facebook but it's the first one i made

[killapunk]

i post elsewhere you stupid fuck

#for years ive treated this blog like facebook but it's the first one i made #i have about a billion sideblogs IDIOT #i tend to ignore this shit but this is funny. #all this bc a bunch of losers just can't let go of the mid wizard series #and then get upset when trans people dont feel safe around them #(or they're just terfs as i feel like this one might be)

[rivetgoth]

Not to shame some baby bats but oh man am I tired of seeing online newcomers to the industrial scene not being able to conceptualize the musicians as actual real living people who have endured real hardship and instead fandomizing them and treating them like silly little characters. And I’m not even talking about like real person fiction I’m talking stuff like making extremely inappropriate jokes at the expense of the musicians, often to their damn faces. Just saw someone tag Ogre’s personal Instagram in a joke about Al Jourgensen’s IV drug use. What the fuck is wrong with you. I still like see red with anger when I remember stumbling into someone’s Nivek Ogre roleplay blog where they used DRG’s OVERDOSE as a point of drama IN THEIR KINK ROLEPLAY. I fucking hope none of you watch your loved ones fall apart and eventually die from drug addiction or god forbid suffer from it yourself. And it’s not just that; I’ll never forget when those posts about Skuppy’s music being used at Gitmo were circulating as if it was just some quirky thing. Posts like “lol imagine being a war prisoner and suddenly Assimilate starts playing” as if that shit doesn’t suck hardcore and wasn’t the absolute antithesis of what Skinny Puppy has always fought for which is pacifism and equality and the end of war and violence and brutality. The people being tortured at Gitmo are real people and Skinny Puppy was reasonably devastated by the situation. Spamming public tags on IG with terminally online often very sexual jokes about these guys, me having to wade through “I want Raymond Watts to vore me XD jdhgdkdksjdh” in the damn KMFDM tag. Seeing a 17 year old comment on a popular musician’s selfie in eyeliner saying he looked “queer” and being like “I just know you don’t use he/him pronouns” like that shit IS WEIRD. THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE!!

IDK man. This is not a fandom, it is a real community that these guys are part of. I am friends with some of these musicians and/or their friends IN REAL LIFE because I live in the same city as them and go to the same events as them. I haven’t done anything special other than be around them and be chill. Tons of them are my Facebook friends or my mutuals on Instagram or they’re my friends’ Facebook friends and mutuals on Instagram. I’ve had some of my favorite musicians follow me back COMPLETELY unexpectedly. I’ve heard “I recognize you from online” when I’ve met some of my favorite people in the scene, even if we hadn’t directly interacted before… MULTIPLE times. I’ve made posts about a band and then saw the fucking band repost it to a different site. I’ve seen my blog get linked in the official Skinny Puppy group that the band moderates. I also know like three separate situations where somebody’s publicly posted RPF was SENT TO THE BAND MEMBERS. I’m relatively neutral (or at least have a lot of nuance) about RPF but some fucking self awareness would be nice; these guys are NOT that “famous,” they are actively running their social media pages, they don’t have PR guys, they are lurking social media, interacting with fans, their friends are normal people in the scene. It just feels so disrespectful and out of touch. Did you know that one time somebody made a joke about Ogre being on drugs in the Skinny Puppy Facebook group and Ogre himself logged in for the first time in awhile to say it wasn't funny and was painful for him to see NOT because of his own past with drugs but because it reminded him of the amount of friends he’s had die from addiction and overdose? That was a real moment that happened. It isn’t funny.

I just keep seeing this breed of newcomers who get super into the identity of being “an industrial fan” (usually with all these edgy extras like “fucked up sicko dykefag rivethead freak”) who are coming into it straight out of like, the Danganrompa or Saw or whatever fandom and cannot conceptualize the fact that this isn’t a “fandom,” they don’t know how to talk about it like it’s not a fandom, they talk about how the musicians are “so old now” which is just so insulting (you should be BEGGING the universe to be so kind as to allow you to live to be grey and wrinkly and still making art that you love!) or make jokes at the expense of the traumas they’ve endured, they don’t seek out more obscure or more recent or more local music even though THAT is what is keeping the scene alive. it has real life spaces that the musicians they’re idolizing are frequenting and it is very very obvious that they are not going outside or engaging with the scene at all, they aren’t viewing it as this huge community of people who are all congregating together over their love for this music. They’re treating the musicians like these crazy characters but they are real people and their traumas and struggles and “weird” behavior is what brought them to this type of music to begin with! They’re making posts about how musicians just aren’t “weird” anymore while completely ignoring the decades of recent incredible music from artists trying desperately to survive in this world IN THE SCENE THEY CLAIM TO BE PART OF!! You are not a depraved freak punk rivethead faggot you are a 20 year old introvert that listens to NIN, KMFDM, and Skinny Puppy while not supporting the scene in any tangible way whatsoever and talking about the people who created the genre like they’re commodifiable fictional characters. And it’s not a question of “you don’t listen to enough music to be legit!” I love baby bats and newcomers and I absolutely adore seeing people get into this music and find solace and community within it. Industrial music saved my life and I was once the newcomer just discovering this stuff. it’s a question of “you are being disrespectful and out of touch while acting like you know what more than you really do.” Go out to a goth club. Talk to people. Sing along in a crowd to your favorite songs. Type in Bandcamp Dot Com right now and discover a new artist. Buy an album and tip them. That r/LSD comment where the guy said “keep it chill or suffer the consequences.”

[behindbrowneyezz]

12.5.22

Honestly, I keep putting off blogging because i know that when my dad gets free time...a sick thought in the head. Instead of just reaching out to me like a normal father, he decides to go stalk my social media accounts.  I've always wondered how he does this...im sure if its not some program he has discovered, then it probably is from katies page. Able to see all my pictures. The statuses i post. I don't mean just on here. in fact i dont even know if here can see this. BUT I do know he has checked my Facebook before, I know this from now 3 different relatives that have warned me about this. Somehow almost 3 years ago, he was able to see a very intimate status i had posted about my thoughts on him and the rest of my RELATIVES going to meet for lunch. Right in my area and didn't bother to send me an invite. Now I know very well most of them cant stand me. In fact i know none of them love me but my brothers, which im not upset about at all. We dont exactly come from a world full of wonderful humans. Each of us have HUGE skeletons in our closet. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. The only difference is that i’m super open about the fucking mess of a human I am! I dont hide it. I wear it on my sleeve every day. Some days more then others. But it drives them all nuts. I cant help that i love to talk, that i feel like people that claim to love me...would be curious on what goes on in my head..but they truly hate it. they wish id be silent. a sober, silent, YES MAM kind of broad. But even as a kid i had this fight or flight mode that never got turned off.

You see, i got molested a lot as a real young toddler. YES TODDLER, i didnt really ever think it affected me much. SO i never really spoke about it. I always told myself that somehow it just didnt affect me so what was the point in bringing it up. It wasnt till i was 17 years old and started drinking that it started to come a problem. Once I started drinking heavily, i started to remember things i had went many years ignoring. If you were to ask my father about this he would probably say that he think i’m lying about it. I dont care. What sick fuck would i be if that i was lying about something so serious. It was his stupid ass that got a druggie pregnant 3 fucking times and let her teach us ridiculous things. I never thought that id lie to my dad as a teenager. But as EVERY teen does, of course there were days that i lied. he was miserable, mean, and hardly interested in anything my brothers and i had going on. SO DUH YES i lied many days about many weird things so i didnt have to see the devil come out. BUT i can tell you ive never lied about the assaults ive experienced. In fact, ive been so honest to myself over the years about it because its the only way that i know that i’m going to DO BETTER. I was raised by and raised around nasty awful lairs themselves. For years i would blame myself, my broken brain for these moments..not realizing i had to understand that at those times..i was a CHILD. no one was there to fully protect me. My dad worked his ass off to always make sure we had a roof over our heads, which thank GOD for that....but wow does he hate me for all those years he lost. SO now he lives a life of ignoring where he came from, a life where he chooses to ignore the first human HE helped create because im ‘DIFFCULT” imagine. imagine thinking your job is over as a parent at 18 because you kicked her out for smoking pot and tossed her shit in trash bags....then moved states for a woman your children dont even know much about. Imagine right?

Well that's my reality. YES ive made a million mistakes....and you know what else? I’m probably going to make a million more throughout my life. BUt for some reason my father feels like i’m the only one hes relalated to that doesn’t deserve forgiveness, kindness, grace, and most of all love. Maybe its my fat ass mouth hes scared of. Maybe he truly hates the human i am. Maybe it IS easier to not have me around....but imagine treating your child like FAMILY is everything..work hard. play hard. and hold on tight because life is wild...all just to ignore them for the rest of their lives. Thats why i get so heated when he decides to just check on all my social media accounts. that coward cant even call or text me??? his ego is so big he truly thinks thats okay? he cant let me have a space where i can be myself and not have to worry about that ass hole reading every god damn word i say? if you hate me LEAVE ME BE. its actually not that hard. he has very much have shown me that. I DO call eveyone my relatives now because those people arent my family. granted some of them i have personally pushed away, but i dont feel bad about that. they chose to be who they are and i’m choosing to TRY to be better then what i was taught. They havent ever been MY family. they are my fathers family and they can very much keep it that way!! Lmfao, a coward AT BEST. i miss the man he was when i was a little girl. THAT man was a man of honor, love, and tough as nails. the person he is...now?...A soulless coward is what he is now. 

Soulless. Coward. 

Maybe he was always like that, maybe people will hate me for calling him that, but i can assure you hes said much worse things about me. Imagine loving to bash your own children to people that wouldnt be at your funeral. Imagine being at a dinner or a family gathering and then deciding to just try to convince everyone around you that your children are a mess and YOU had zero to do with it. Hes just embarrasing at this point. I cant imagine how that man sleeps at night, i dont understand how he looks at himself in the mirror and thinks ‘Wow chris you did great today’.

Maybe he was always this human, maybe I never truly saw him until i started to see the world more. I’m not sure. I hope that's not the case, i really dont. He was my hero, my world, he was the reason i didn't hate myself or life for so long. I really loved that man more then I could ever express. I thought we would be going to concerts, making family meals, and gossiping about women for the rest of my life. I always thought hed be in my apartment judging my things and fixing up anything i couldnt myself. I always thought wed be sending eachother new music we were obsessed with and sneaking off to a good happy hour spot. I truly wish i could talk to my younger self and tell her that its all fake. Dont enjoy those moments. Stop asking him to go to concerts,beg to move in with one of your grandmas. NEVER pick up that bottle. Man how different my world would be now if i had been able to. I dont hate him, i feel sorry for him. because one day, just like my birth mother, he will be dead and will have to see all the wonderful moments he has had to miss out on. HE has MY most precious gift on the planet and he uses it as a TOOL to brag to strangers about how much of a saint he is. Imagine right. Lets all pray for this man. When i saw him last he gave me a crockpot full of candy and hugged me once. that year he got everyone really nice gifts but me..in his words to one of my relatives “If its not on the list, i wont get it” . that year he must of felt like he HAD to ‘make an appearance’ as he used to love to say about life things when i was a child. Imagine, hating your one and only daughter so much you throw her a crockpot and then leave and never answer your phone to her calls or texts again. Ill never understand why he thinks people should all be chasing HIM for the rest of their life and he doesn’t have to give any love in return but SHEEEESH what a toxic trait. I probably wouldn't be so angry, so hurt if it hadnt been for all the wonderful parents out there that constantly give their children grace. Mind you, my grandma is one of those parents. Hes in his 40s and still calls her at least 4 times a week I’ve been told. So you'd think he had learned from the best. Lets all laugh together. my little girl self will always miss him dearly, but the woman i’m becoming sees a very different human. Maybe hes not even human at all anymore. Just a hallow shell trying to survive another shitty day on this shitty planet. 

They call this the Devils playground, i think they just may be right.

#lostcause #the lost cause #familydrama #relativeshit #rip #theforgotton #theforgottondaughter #resteasytome #mentalhealth #denver #denverscum

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #TrueBJDConfessions #BJD Dealers

[thejoshuaglenn-blog]

You're a Good Boy, Charlie Brown

The key purpose of a Tumblr blog here is really a brain dump: logging thoughts, feelings, narrative and such is easier in long form than via a brief Facebook post that generates half a dozen "oh no, what happened" comments. As I'm writing this, most of it seems like bullet points and organized timelines. If you're looking for a TL;DR or current state of thoughts, it's the last section titled The Day After, and the Day After That.

A few days ago, Niko and I said goodbye to our first dog, Charlie Brown.

I'm not keen to chat about it a lot. There's more to process than I have time to type; most of it centers around being fair to myself and to Niko, taking the time to appreciate his life without beating ourselves up, and avoiding the overwhelming mire that grief can become.

Joining the Family

CB was a rescue, a hapless victim of the 2016 Louisiana floods and a happy-go-lucky participant in a "dog for a day" event hosted by a local shelter. I fully expected to rent him out for a day, give him a few great experiences, and return him. For myriad reasons, we never did bring him back to Pet Rescue by Judy, and he's been with us ever since.

At adoption, he was estimated to be around 4-8 years old. With a kicked-in shoulder that offset his collarbone and ribcage, some assorted dental issues, and other little signs of damage (cigarette burns, what the heck is wrong with people), it was tough to really gauge his age. That means he left this world at the ripe old age of something like 9-13, which isn't terrible considering all he'd been through.

Charlie Brown was the iconic good boy. He seldom barked, he never licked or jumped, and just wanted to be in the same room as his favorite people. He had a few toys that he cherished, never ripping them up, just carrying them with him from room to room and whining a bit, unsure of where he could store them for safekeeping. Apart from some separation anxiety issues and an occasional urge to bolt out the door and book it as far as he could, CB was by all accounts an easy first dog: more like a low-effort cat than anything else.

Slowly Falling Apart

Over time, the health issues increased. Intermittent but predictably regular upset tummy. Bad gums, bad teeth. Random gooey skin lesion. Eye ulcers. Since October, we've been averaging 2-3 unplanned vet visits a month — many incurring some hefty bills. We'd take out another credit card, find another financing plan, but it adds up. So does the emotional toil on the family; so does the anxiety toll on the dog.

You start to think about quality of life for the dog, you know? He'd had a few teeth removed to sew up his gums after they kinda detached and fell apart from his jawbone — so he couldn't chew anything hard. Couldn't even chew a tennis ball, which was the only toy he took interest in anymore. Couldn't have any fun treats like peanut butter or other soft chews, as his tummy would have bad flare-ups that usually ended up with him attached to an IV bag. After finally settling in and learning to play well with Atlas, Charlie Brown started to get pretty irritable whenever Atlas got frisky.

He still loved running around outdoors, and was in otherwise great health.

I can't tell you how guilty that makes me feel, even now.

Moving to Waltham

Before we left Orlando, there were so many crisis moments in emergency vet offices where Niko and I talked about how long he could ride this roller coaster. CB obviously was not a fan of vet visits: loved the staff, but was notably anxious and panicky when separated from us, and he had grown very loathe to the process of poking, prodding, and whatnot.

Shortly after moving to Waltham (he was a champ in the U-Haul), Charlie Brown had a severe colitis flare-up. He was losing so much fluid and was growing very lethargic over the day. Vets are hard to get into these days: with the sweep of "pandemic puppy" adoptions, the vet industry as a whole is saturated with demand, and practices are responding as best they can. There were just no emergency clinics available to us within 20 miles, except one that noted "we have no availability, but you can come and wait, and we might be able to see you in 4 or 5 hours." So we did.

It was a very late night. Charlie Brown came home with us with another round of the same antibiotics he'd been taking almost regularly since December for his assorted ailments, and some probiotics. The next day, CB seemed a bit better and brighter, and Niko and I went into the city for part of the day. We came home to find he'd had an accident, but it was just... blood. So so much. And he looked so in pain, so ashamed, so guilty, so anxious.

So we went back to the vet ER. It was another very late night. I didn't know how many of these late nights we could afford; neither of us knew how many of these late nights it was fair to expect Charlie Brown to endure.

Do you plan on letting a pet go after an extended crisis visit? Do you plan on letting a pet go in a time of relative peace?

Camping Analogy, and a Best Last Day

When you're off on a long hike, and you see daylight start to fade as the sun begins to set, you begin to think about finding a good place to set up camp for the night. It's abysmal to do this after the sun has already gone down: where you could have had preparation and structure, you have chaos by flashlight.

A dog's life is in your hands. You're his whole world: all food, adventure, pampering, challenge, treatment, and care come from you. More than anything, we wanted Charlie Brown to have a peaceful, restful life. Now that we started thinking about it, we wanted to be able to give him a peaceful, restful passing as well: not as the climax of another overnight crisis with injections and yelps and beeps and cowering and anxiety and fear, but in the still quiet of familiar sounds and smells.

His very last day was a great one. Fresh Pond in Cambridge: a massive stroll around a colossal lake with an absurd bounty of new smells, kind people, happy dogs, and a brisk New England breeze. He got to swim in a little side pond — that boy lived for jumping into random lakes. He ran around the broad field that is Kingsley Bowl, chasing a thrown ball the very very farthest his sad pop could throw it — and he brought it back. We bought him a steak. We told him how much he brought to our lives.

And then we waited.

Lap of Love is a sort of home delivery service of dignified passing for pets. There's more to say on that hour than I care to pen, but throughout the procedure, we never left him. Charlie Brown passed enveloped in our arms and laps and sobs and hugs.

The Day After, and the Day After That

The rest is just thoughts. Your head starts to feel like a coffee shop where your grief comes in, sits at a table with you, and unloads. You nod, listen, and wish them well. I hope I can keep processing this way — I find it helpful, and less overwhelming.

I wish he had been able to play with his tennis ball more. Since his jaw surgery — even out on Kingsley Bowl, nearly a month and a half after he should have been fully healed — any kind of chewing would cause renewed bleeding and pain.

I wish we had hugged him more. But truth be told, he didn't like hugs. They made him uncomfortable. So we gave him a hand to lay his head on, or a knee for him to pop his head upon, as often as he liked.

There were so many times I felt inconvenienced by owning a dog at all. They weren't the majority, but... now each remembered time feels like a splinter of selfishness.

I miss how familiar the back of his neck felt under my hand, just behind the ears, where the waves of fur meet and crash and make a long cowlick of foof and fluff.

His happy smile and his stressed smile were very similar, but you could still tell which was which.

I loved being there for him in thunderstorms.

When you think about it, we sort of were hospice care for him. We weren't his original owners; we just wanted the rest of his life to be painless and fulfilling. He had so many trust issues when he first came to us. And in the end, he loved anyone he met.

I miss feeling around with my feet to make sure I don't step on him on my way to bed. I miss setting my feet on the floor as I wake, stooping down, and giving his head a good squishy rub.

He never did get to see Boston snow. I mean... thousands of dogs never get to see snow. But I was really looking forward to sharing that experience with him.

I wanted so badly to bring him to a point of health, and then say goodbye when he was feeling well. Seeing him have his Best Last Day, part of me whispered "murderer" with cold accuracy, and I have a hard time shaking it. He was so happy — but between jaw bleeding after playing with a tennis ball, seeing him scratch his eyes that were starting to ache with ulcers again... I know the unbridled happiness came with the reality of his declining health.

Atlas was the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I know Charlie Brown was at least a little disgruntled that his easy-going day-to-day had been interrupted by a chompy puppy, but Atlas brought out the young pup in CB: ripping palm fronds to shreds, playing tug, playing tag, meeting new dogs with confidence and assurance.

I used to get so mad at my mother-in-law for feeding Charlie Brown cinnamon donuts. I wish I'd given him more. Heck, I wish I'd given him more peanut butter. I'm frankly surprised he hadn't died of peanut butter overdose years ago.

Where Charlie's health had limits, we kept going with Atlas. That might mean taking Atlas out to play with a ball or a tug toy, because CB couldn't. It breaks my heart now to think of Charlie at the glass door just watching it happen, all because he physically couldn't play the same. I know he didn't understand that.

We took him out to Park Ave maybe once or twice. I wish it had been more. Truth be told, it was the same as the dog park, though: he was kind of a loner. Loads of people or dogs made him anxious. So while I might idealize the past and wish he had sat at our legs for lunch after lunch at an outdoor thoroughfare, ... I think he would have been miserable. I think he would have rather just curled up at the base of the couch and dozed while we watched a show.

He was so trusting. I could just drag him onto his back and onto my lap for cuddles and a good tummy rub. No complaints.

He looked so gaunt these past few months. I keep looking at earlier photos, and I really didn't realize just how grizzly and drawn he had become lately.

I miss seeing him randomly waiting for me outside the bathroom door — or curled up on the bath mat while I was in the shower, having sneakily nosed the door open and wanting my company while I was rinsing.

For his first few years with us, he was incredibly playful. I've been going through old videos — it's like going outside just blew his mind, and toys were either for cherishing daintily, or thrashing about and throwing to oneself and gnawing. He lost that after a time. He regained it a bit when Atlas joined the party. But it still faded. I'm sure that's inevitable, but it makes me sad to see the early vibrant puppy in those old recordings, and how different he had been in recent months.

[yasbxxgie]

By the time I made the hike down the long pathway from the top of Kyoto’s Fushimi Inari to the houses below, I was thirsty. Which was convenient, since many local residents take advantage of foot traffic from the mountainside Shinto shrine by hosting small cafes in their homes. It was on that winding street that I first encountered amazake, an ancient, non-alcoholic, lightly fermented rice drink, which a helpful English sign noted could be served “hot or cold”.

I looked at the faintly sweet and creamy drink as a reward for my physical activity, one that, like kombucha, promised to replenish me after physical activity. But what my ¥400 (£3) bought me was actually a microcosm of Japanese culinary history.

First developed in the Kofun period (around 250 to 538AD), amazake was originally a food fermentation and preservation technique, created by boiling rice, water and koji, a filamentous fungus that is also used in the fermentation of miso, natto and soy sauce, for eight to 10 hours. The resulting drink, which is packed full of nutrients and gut-friendly bacteria, became so popular that it’s even mentioned in the Nihon Shoki, a text compiled in 720AD that comprises the oldest official history of Japan.

Since then, the drink has seen several rises and falls in popularity. Sales jumped 134.8% between 2016 and 2017, according to food and drink exhibition Foodex Japan, at the time that at-home fermentation became a trendy pastime. The drink then continued its popularity in 2019, thanks in no small part to boyband Kanjani Eight, who were hired to act as spokespeople for Hiyashi Amazake, a popular brand throughout Japan. Amazake also has a regular presence in cafes and convenience stores across the country, with locals sipping on it as a morning treat or afternoon pick-me-up.

Hiroshi Sugihara (杉原大), a fishmonger and fermentation enthusiast originally from Japan’s Aichi prefecture who relocated to Perth, Australia, has seen the rise of fermentation culture firsthand. His Facebook group THE BREW LIFE-発酵生活 has swelled to more than 5,900 members worldwide since its creation in 2014. Already a fan of fermenting miso and doburoku (a form of sake), he enjoyed introducing amazake, a drink from his childhood, to the group.

“It was very interesting and there were mixed reactions from Caucasian [members] but Asians were able to relate [it] to some of their traditional sweets,” he said.

Sugihara fondly recalls drinking hot amazake at temples on New Year’s Eve. Because the beverage is believed to have warming qualities (particularly due to ginger, which is often used to add flavour), it tends to be heavily consumed during the winter months, a period that includes several major holidays, including the Hinamatsuri “Doll Festival”. This has resulted in many Japanese people considering the drink as a tie to both their past and current national culture. As Shihoko Ura, author of food blog Chopstick Chronicles explains, her memories of amazake are laced with a fair amount of sentimentality, particularly now that she’s migrated to Australia.

“I used to be a Red Cross-trained RN in Ise City, Mie prefecture, where there is [the] famous Ise Shrine,” she recalled. “Ise shrine served free amazake for worshippers, and we first-aid employees were also offered the drink. I was always looking forward to the sweet treat when I had a little break in [my] eight-hour shift.”

Amazake is a sugary drink, as hinted at by its name, which translates to “sweet sake”, even though it only contains trace amounts of alcohol due to the fermentation process. Because of that translation, finding it in convenience stores can be tricky for non-Japanese speakers, who should consider asking for a brand name, such as Hiyashi Amazake or Marumi-koji-honten to avoid being served alcoholic sake instead.

As I sipped on my drink, I was surprised by the lumpy texture, similar to rice porridge, due to the small pieces of koji suspended in the liquid. At roughly 80 calories per 100g, it’s healthier than its creamy texture might initially imply, and fans of amazake claim it can positively impact seemingly every part of the body, including hair growth, weight loss, hangover recovery, sleep cycles and bowel movements.

Because of its nutrients, which include B6, folic acid, ferulic acid, dietary fibre and a notable amount of glucose, many claim it deserves a place in Japan’s stable of hangovers cures, which includes beverages made from turmeric or beef liver, ingredients meant to clean a specific organ. And amazake’s drinkable, easy-to-digest, gluten-free nutrients have also earned it the nickname “drinkable IV”, something that Sugihara confirms from experience.

“I usually have it when I have cold or fever and especially when I don’t have an appetite,” he said. “Amazake is something easier to swallow, yummy, and, thanks to the power of starch-breaking enzyme [found in the koji], it’s sort of pre-digested so kind to the digestive system, too.”

Its qualities are also thought to go beyond health benefits. As Misaki (文咲), a model and Spa LaQua ambassador in Tokyo explains, the drink is also loved by the beauty community. “Vitamin B group contained in amazake is related to metabolism of carbohydrates, lipids and proteins, skin and hair,” she told me via email. “Therefore, beauty effects are expected. Amazake also contains an ingredient called ergothioneine, an antioxidant that has the effect of suppressing skin aging.”

But with any food touted as an ancient cure-all, the big question remains. Does it actually work?

Adam Yee, an Austin-based food scientist and host of the podcast My Food Job Rocks, agrees that the minerals and vitamins contained in amazake will help the appearance of skin and hair – if consumed in large amounts. But he also says that the power of suggestion plays a large part in determining a food’s worth. He cited bone broth’s spike in popularity, a beverage that made many similar claims, as one example of good PR. However, he also made it clear that because amazake has an element that’s still very hard to scientifically account for, there may be some hidden, unaccounted truth to these claims.

“Fermentation is something that we really don’t know much about,” he explained. “It’s not like, give it one thing and [it] spits out another thing. Food is so complex, the koji that’s eating whatever it’s around, might actually create something different. You can say the same thing about yeast. Bread and wine are two different things, even though they use the same yeast strain.”

Currently, amazake is barely known outside of Asia. But that looks set to change. Like matcha, which has found its way into desserts both at home and abroad, amazake has become a ubiquitous part of Japanese cuisine, often extending past beverage status. Its continuing success outside of Japan was even predicted by America’s Test Kitchen, who named koji its number one food trend forecast for 2020.

John Sugimura (杉村), corporate executive chef and concept-brand director at PinKU Japanese Street Food in Minneapolis, has turned the drink into a signature part of his offerings, using it both as a creamy base and a way to add unexpected bursts of texture.

“I enjoy delicious baked goods including amazake for its nutrients,” he said. “For me growing up [with Japanese and German parents in the United States], I enjoyed amazake and banana smoothies. I have the most experience making pickles using amazake. And my greatest accomplishment has been incorporating amazake into my ‘sexy sesame dressing’ and salad.

This fusion of cultures may be what will eventually help amazake become a food trend outside of Japan, similar to the way kombucha and quinoa are now widely considered health foods outside their native regions of China/Russia and the Andean region of South America.

Atsushi Nakagawa (中川 貴司), owner of Amazake Co in California, agrees, noting that by linking it to already-popular products, he only has to provide his consumers with a basic introduction to the drink and its potential benefits. After completing apprenticeships at miso and koji microbreweries in Japan over the last few years, he’s pleased at how his knowledge of amazake has sparked the interest of his Los Angeles-based clientele, and how he’s been inspired to play with traditional flavours.

“They get it,” he said. “Especially they love our amazake-mixed latte drinks. We offer Japanese ceremonial matcha, Golden Milk (turmeric, ginger and cinnamon) and horchata flavours. In the last few weeks, more and more people are becoming interested in our Pure Amazake, which is undiluted, so they can use it however they want.”

It might be easy to think of amazake as another trendy food. After all, bone broth, Brussels sprouts and açaí have all seen spikes and falls in popularity. However, those who grew up with amazake see its resurgence within Japan and its gradual introduction outside the country as an opportunity to take pride in their culture. As Sugimura explains, it’s that mindset that encourages him to experiment with the drink’s benefits – and has informed much of his career in food as a whole.

“When I was young, I resisted many Japanese traditions out of fear for the code of etiquette,” he said. “As a third-generation Japanese-American lacking mentoring, there were so many expectations on social behaviour, I became overwhelmed. Fast forward, [and now] every day is a celebration of my Japanese-American heritage.”

Amazake is a cup of Japanese history, but the natural energy the beverage delivers still feels very relevant today. I finished my drink, and returned the glass to the cafe owner, ready to continue exploring Kyoto. It might have just been the superfood at work, but not only did I feel nourished, I felt connected, too.

#amazake #drinkable iv #fermentation #koji #japan #japanese #beverage #beverages #bbc #bbc news

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

#do not reblog this

[mbergen]

In the beginning of all this, I mentioned Tammy had 2 other nurse friends in New York City.  This is one of them. Carrie Ann. She has a Very Special Story to tell. Tammy and Carrie met at Kindred Hospital in Peoria, and then they both worked for awhile at IVCH in Peru Illinois. Carrie is a Travel Nurse and her specialty is OB, Labor and Delivery. Carrie’s Day 1 of 21 started on March 28 2020. She is staying at the New Yorker in Manhattan and working at Jacobi Medical Center in the Bronx. This is so heart wrenching to read her posts. But she is telling how it is. These are story’s that should be told. Their are some doubters out their that just don’t realize what is truly going on in this world with this virus. The people in the New York City are fighting for survival. We need to know what these nurses and doctors and all personal are going through to help these people daily, …..and you might wonder…. why do they do it?…..It’s because they feel the need to help. They are answering the call that they are trained for….It’s their LOVE OF LIFE AND PEOPLE. So in this blog I will copy the words directly from Carries FB site…..These will all be her words……Preserved for us all….

So Lets Follow her for her 21 days fighting Covid-19 in New York City

CarrieAnn is at Chicago O’Hare International Airport. March 27 at 9:57 AM · Chicago, IL ·

I’ve said it before .. being a nurse isn’t what I do, it’s who I am. It’s not always a choice, it’s a calling, sometimes you don’t even understand it yourself. So in the words of my little brother, Im going to “bring my ass home”, but for now, let’s do this New York

Jacobi Medical Center

CarrieAnn March 28 at 6:39 PM ·

Day 1. Jacobi Medical Center. I’m overwhelmed and proud to be part of this group of nurses. Ps didn’t post this morning.

CarrieAnn March 28 at 6:52 PM ·

So I’ve decided I’m going to do something I don’t normally do, and I’m going to post about my days while I’m here..as much as I can by the time I make it to the end of the day. And it’s not going to be your average sugar coated filtered Facebook bs, I’m going to be raw and honest about what is happening here. Unfriend me now if you don’t want to know. Day 1 started with some uncertainty because it’s the first day. No one really knows what they’re doing. A bus shuttles us from the hotel to the hospitals we are assigned to. There was a group of us on our first day so we had a day of hospital orientation before heading to the floors tomorrow. While waiting at the elevators to go up to education the nurse escorting us answered her phone and started crying, asking the person to repeat what they’d just said.. then cried out, and sobbed. She walked away then came back and told us one of their educators just died from corona. On the bus back to the hotel at the end of Day 1 and I receive a text from a newer nurse, I think she’s been a nurse 4 years, she’s young, a lovely girl, and she was assigned to Elmhurst. She just got on her bus, and this is what her Day 1 will look like. PLEASE PRAY.

Mar 29 at 8:59AM

Day 2 in NYC. I am still at Jacobi Center and I’m in Labor & Delivery where we still have plenty of supplies.

The text from my friend about her first night at a different hospital.

“ER -one nurse taking care of FIVE intubated “sedated” possible positive covid patients. five to one, he was just running around trying to keep a BP going. they are out of ALL supplies… they’re out of pumps!? they had fentanyl/levo/propofol gtts with no pumps. they were titrating by the roller clamp. maxed out on vent settings, with sats in 70-80s and they were happy with that sat. patients coding every couple minutes. it’s a 50 bed ER, and they have over 200 patients in there right now. patients just stacked on top of each other and having to move stretchers around to just reach a patient in the back row. they made a tent morgue outside of the ER and it’s full already.”

Feeling thankful beyond words for my assignment today, and praying this nurse has peace in her heart and mind this morning when she lays down to sleep. Even just for a few hours. ♥️

March 29 at 9:08PM

Today I got my assignment, and thanked God above my whole walk to the labor and delivery unit. That group of nurses were so appreciative -so thankful that we’re here to help- I’ve never felt so appreciated walking onto a shift. They took me in as one of their own made me feel welcome and did not miss an opportunity to thank me, all day long.

The TV in the break room runs between ABC NBC CNN and Fox news all day long, trying to keep up with the latest with Covid while managing our patients.

Employees at the hospital were picketing outside the emergency room and I’m not even really sure why… The biggest complaint I hear is about having to use the N95 masks for a week before we can get a new one. They gave out small brown paper bags, like a lunch bag, to store it in.

The labor and delivery unit is dated, and not well laid out. The cabinets are falling off hinges with long mismatched screws holding them on, and there is paint chipping off most of the corners of walls, and along the ceilings. But it doesn’t change the overall feeling of optimism on this unit, and in the midst of everything going on all around us, we had a delivery of a healthy baby girl today.

Every nurse that got on the bus wore her day on her face, some spoke it in words, some look defeated. One cried. We talked about our day.. the good, and the bad, then finished the bus ride back with our acapella rendition of Joe Diffys John Deere Green. RIP Joe

March 30 at 7:02PM

Day3. Today I learned why Mondays get a bad rap. New York hospitals did that. It doesn’t matter how experienced or strong of a nurse you think you are, you’re not ready for this. I got there, took my assignment in triage, and the door didn’t stop revolving. Within the first hour all the triage beds were full and there was a line waiting. Some were belligerent and cussing demanding to be seen, some were tearful, all were scared. Everyone’s wearing masks and complaining of how hot they are. Management is visible, on the floor working, asking what you need, how they can help.

These women are coming in alone, leaving their husbands, sisters, moms- whoever brought them- in the waiting room as they are assessed and treated. If they stay they can have one support person, no trading off- ONE person, per patient, per stay…. WHEN THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. Or when they’re not. Some of these girls are miscarrying, or having a threatened miscarriage, and they have to pick the one person that can sit next to them, hug them, tell them it’s going to be okay. One person. Because of this virus. Oh, and when they do deliver, dad gets one hour to bond then they have to leave .. til mom goes home.

Covid in pregnant women is a hard thing to look at. She’s struggling to breath and her 02 sats are in the 70-80s. Do you know how much oxygen that means her baby is getting? She went to ICU. I didn’t have time to check and see how she was doing after she left our floor.

I also didn’t have time to eat, drink, or pee. I can feel my heartbeat in my feet after sitting down for 10 minutes on this bus, and don’t even feel sorry for myself because I had more help than the night shift I just left.

March 31 at 9:27PM

I wasn’t going to post words tonight, but just a picture. If you haven’t seen it, this isn’t some professional National Geographic wait for the perfect poignant shot picture. It’s a snapshot, taken with a phone, by a nurse, here, in New York City.

But then…

Ive always been a believer of “to each their own”. I’ve never had a hard time respecting someone’s opinion or beliefs without agreeing with them myself. And then today I find myself typing out the words “you’re a fucking idiot” in response to a strangers comment on a friends post. A stranger. Going on and on about how this virus is a hoax. Well-?! .. is he..? an IDIOT?? Are people that fn STUPID? I just hope..these individuals don’t end up with the virus themselves and need the medical attention and treatment from one of these doctors or nurses that read that shit. Because I think, for the first time in my life I would walk on by.

April 5 at 7:05 PM

Day 5 was mixed. I am sore and I am tired. My back hurts from being on my feet for 15 hours a day, and there are open spots on the back of both my ears from wearing a surgical mask over the N95, to try to make it last longer. You end every day with a headache from the tightness and pressure of the N95 on your face all day. We have two rooms just dedicated to corona virus rule outs on Labor and Delivery, and we are going to ICU to do fetal monitoring for positive moms. We constantly weave in and out of ambulances on the way to and from the hotel. I’m not complaining.

I was present and praising God at the beginning of 2 new lives today. The OB charge nurse called the 4 of us crisis nurses together n she stood up and told us that when she saw on the news that nurses were coming from all over the country to help in NY, she was emotional and touched. When she heard her hospital was getting 200 nurses, she was excited. But when we walked onto her unit to work, she couldn’t believe it. She thanked us with a sincerity that was raw and I will never forget.

Across town my friend Sid had a different day. When she text me I put my phone down and cried. You don’t even have to be there to feel the terror of that shift. Its not plateaued, and it’s not slowing down. Again, she is not at the same hospital I am.

****five codes… they all die. staff is so so rude and unhelpful. it’s such a toxic environment. my patient was one of them at 0630. my vent stopped working because it’s a damn portable and he’s been on it for three days. they refused to get him another one and said that they had to save them for other patients… I bagged him for a good 30-45 minutes without a peep valve and of course he started to decompensate. it was me and a resident and nobody would help, he coded and died. the bus has left me. I have to wait for a van to come get me. we are reusing code carts over and over, we have no oxygen on the unit, the low oxygen alarms are going off, we are out of sedation, we’re using pediatric pulse ox’s… i’m doing things that are just going against my morals and it’s so hard to see how these patients are going down. I do not think covid is killing these people, it’s the lack of staff, education, equipment and resources…. *****

And so now there’s that.

Oh, and my other friend here, that I came with, she was in the ER today, positive.

CarrieAnn April 3 at 8:07 PM ·

On day 7, the Midwest is looking really good. After a week here, working nonstop, you’re a different person. I miss home, miss my kids and I miss my husband, Joshua, who tried everything from arguing to pleading with me not to go-because he was worried about my health-but has been indescribably supportive, and encouraging me every day. I love you. Im irritable and emotional. Tears fell out of my eyes and right down onto my patients bed yesterday as I’m leaning over her doing all the things when we lost fetal heart tones. That’s not how I nurse, and has nevvver happened. I just couldn’t help it. The feeling of impending doom is heavy. There are numerous morgue trailers, morgue tents, and mobile morgue trucks all over the city. Ambulances constantly speeding by, lights on, horns blaring. Don’t miss the view from my patients labor room below. The hospitals here have now started ethical triage. That’s when families are simply told there are no ventilators to save your family member. Do they need a ventilator to survive? Yes? Then roll them over there to die. People over 65 have been denied ventilators to give it to a younger person who has a better chance. WHAT-? Many healthcare workers here are writing their last will and testament. New York has now initiated orders that first responders cannot transport people to hospitals if they cannot be revived on the field. They just don’t…even…take…them.  Can you imagine, in our country, calling 911 because your wife can’t breath and they won’t even put her into the ambulance? Thousands of nurses, nurse practitioners and doctors have come to New York, and are risking their lives to help. NO ONE knows how they will respond to the virus..you may be okay, you may die. All you have to do is stay home. Or you could be standing in the emergency room hearing “I’m sorry but we don’t have a ventilator for your wife/son/daughter.” No bullshit. How bout the NYFD though, greeting nurses for our shift 🙌🏼❤️

.

CarrieAnn April 5 at 10:07 AM ·

Yesterday was day 8, and it was the closest representation of a “normal” day in labor and delivery. I had a 1:1 mag patient that I was able to give the appropriate amount of attention to, and I didn’t feel like running off the floor once. I’ve gotten a lot of support and kindness from the staff nurses here, and that makes a huge difference. There are 2 covid+ moms on the unit- these women are SICK- and we sectioned a mom that was in ICU because her oxygen was in the 80’s, and although she resisted having a c/s all day, insisting God would get her through it, her body couldn’t win out over the strain the virus was putting on it. Her baby was born alive and went to NICU.. but this unit continues to focus on life and beginnings. It’s upbeat- a small little bubble of happiness compared to the rest of this city. I also received a package from the best best friend, Lynn, with more “stuff” I couldn’t live without! Shaina, you’re a special kind of person, and I’ll never forget the N95s you had for yourself, but sent to me instead. ♥️ So I’ll use this opportunity to share some pics I’ve taken since I’ve been here..none too exciting, no touristy or cool things that one would want to see on their first trip to New York, but New York nonetheless.

Madison Square Garden

New Yorker, Carries Hotel

CarrieAnn April 5 at 3:02 PM ·

Live♥️ NYFD here showing love to the health care workers!

CarrieAnn Munson April 6 at 9:38 AM ·

Day 9….Yesterday was my 9th day in a row working in New York City. The NYFD came to Jacobi and showed the nurses and docs some love, and that was cool. L&D was slow so I was floated to PEDS, which isn’t pediatrics at all anymore. It’s now an adult med-surg with double occupancy rooms. Practically every patient is covid positive or covid rule-out. The stream of admissions literally doesn’t stop and I heard the charge nurse say I’m at maximum capacity now so what do I do- put 3 in a room? The mood is still upbeat. This charge nurse was joking and laughing, trying to keep his nurses light and moral high. One of the nurses in my group got onto the bus tearful, saying she lost one of the patients she’s taken care of since we arrived here. A 38 year old man, who left his wife and 10 year old son, and died alone because of quarantine. The things etched in our minds eye and memories are hard to explain in words, you just can’t understand it without seeing it. The people who are really sick go from bad to worse quickly, and recovery, if at all, is very slow. The few people that do get extubated, are still 100% dependent on BiPAP. For those who are intubated, more than half are on very strong medications to keep their blood pressure up. And still many of them are dying anyway, despite our best efforts. The most tragic part, is that they are alone. Staff uses their iPhones regularly so that families can use FaceTime to see their person one last time, and say goodbye. There are videos people are taking suggesting that the situation in New York is not as bad as the media projects. I don’t have the time to watch all the news right now, and I can agree that the streets, even around the hospitals, are not crowded. However, that is NOT an accurate depiction of where actual patient care is being provided. At least in Queens, and the Bronx.. even Manhattan, every department that cares for the critically ill is stretched way beyond normal capacity. I have been working with nurses and physicians, anesthesiologists, general surgeons, gynecologists, physician assistants, nurse practitioners, and nurse anesthetists, all of whom have been stepping in to do their best to function as intensive care and/or emergency medical providers. In the emergency room, there literally is no more room for additional stretchers, and those less ill are sitting in chairs, for hours and hours. This pandemic is real. The severity, which luckily doesn’t seem to impact the majority, is devastating for the minority. Please- distance yourself from others. Act like you have it, and everyone who doesn’t live with you has it too. You may get Covid, you may not. You may get really sick, you may not. But you could be the reason someone else does, without ever knowing.. and some of them are DYING. Dying with no family member there in their final moments…and that would be much worse than missing out on time with your friends, or not eating in your favorite restaurant.

CarrieAnn  April 7 at 8:24 PM ·

Day 10….Yesterday was day 10. My friend was woken by a call on her room phone from the NYPD, saying there was a complaint against her and she needed to come to the police station for questioning. The officer told her he didn’t want to embarrass her so he would give her time to shower, and she could wear her street clothes (not scrubs) down to the lobby where he would meet her in 40 minutes, walk her out and cuff her before putting her into his car. She called home to fill them in and was told to call the police station back and ask questions. She learned that no officer had called her, no complaint had been filed against her, and no officer was coming to pick her up to take her to the police station for questioning. She notified our company who quickly made arrangements to move her, and make her non-registered. They are also making frequent checks on her. So not only are we fighting the virus, lack of sleep and hot meals, long hours on our feet, homesickness, death in our faces…. now we have to worry about abduction, or worse. W. T. F. Today was my 11th day working in New York. It was a good day. I was just a labor nurse, it was a nice pace, with wonderful fellow nurses, and a good delivery. God is present, and He is good. I am tired, and homesick, He knew I needed a day like this.

CarrieAnn April 9 at 6:04 AM ·

I have NO WORDS for the overwhelming feeling of gratitude and appreciation to each and every one of you- and I know who you are- that took the time out of your day -and money out of your wallet- to send me something here in New York to make my time easier. I’ll never forget it. ♥️♥️♥️

CarrieAnn  April 9 at 7:03 PM ·

Day 13….Today was my 13th day here. Today we also had military nurses arrive at the hospital and assigned to the floor. It is an actual deployment for them. Today I started my shift counting the codes paged overhead, and just realized I stopped counting at 11, hours ago. Today we started swabbing all patients admitted to labor, regardless if they show symptoms or not. Have any of you had this done?..or seen it done?… if you haven’t yet, go ahead and search a video. The swab goes up your nostril all the way back, to your throat. Thrrroaat. Their eyes water and they try to stall, some women push the providers hands away over and over..and then they swab the other side. I miss home, and it feels so much longer than 2 weeks. But I have so much love and support from home..thanks again to all of you that sent me care packages, you can’t know how much of a difference it makes. And this unit continues to make each of us one of their own, embracing us more every day, with endless thank you’s. I still feel healthy, with no signs of illness, so I won’t be whining or complaining.

This is Carrie’s first 13 days.  It is so hard to comprehend as we just sit here every day waiting for the days to pass.  We see it on the news, but the reality does really have the full impact unless you know someone who is fighting the fight……Part 2 will follow her to DAY 21

Part 1….Carrie in New York….Tammy’s Friend….Coronavirus In the beginning of all this, I mentioned Tammy had 2 other nurse friends in New York City.

#Corona #Coronavirus #COVID-19 #Jacobi Medical Center #New York City #New Yorker #NYFD #Pandemic

[notallpotatoesarefrenchfries]

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by @yoshifics, which was a nice surprise!!!

Tagging: I won't specifically tag anyone because this one is a doozy, but I implore you to try and do it if you want to do it!!!

On to the show

the last …


1. drink: diet mountain dew ((my mom is addicted and well...the apple doesn’t fall far))

2. phone call: most phone calls are forced upon me, but the last one was my mom telling me to take another important phone call i was unwilling to pick up

3. text message: my friend Sarah

4. song you listened to: Not about Angels by Birdy

5. time you cried: uhhh. I know it was recent but I don’t know specifically what day. I really cry for no reason sometimes idk. 

6. dated someone twice: I’ve never dated, and I don’t think I'm willing to start either at this point in my life

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Never been kissed

8. been cheated on: never dated

9. lost someone special: My grandpa and friendships that never worked out.

10. been depressed: I’m not diagnosed because I don’t talk about my issues to a very extreme degree, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been depressed.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never had a drink of alcohol

favorite colors

12. Blue

13. Purple

14. Black

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yasssss! Every new friend I’ve made has been a blessing! I’m looking at you, mutuals!!!

16. fallen out of love: Never been in love 

17. laughed until you cried: yes, it is a beautiful thing to experience. 

18. found out someone was talking about you: nah

19. met someone who changed you: Again, looking at you mutuals

20. found out who your friends are: I found out that a friendship I'm in is toxic, but I’ve not yet worked up the courage to break it off yet. Other than that, nah. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: never been kissed

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: uhhhh. I don’t really get on my Facebook so I don’t know how accurate this statement is, but I’ll say yes!

23. do you have any pets: My family has a miniature dachshund. And my sister has two king charles spaniels so I count them too since she is over all the time. When I am old enough and living alone (( I don’t think I’ll have met someone/ect by this point but we’ll see where God takes me)) I want a king charles spaniel((they were breed for cuddling)) and maybe a black cat but I’ll have to think about that one since I’m allergic. 

24. do you want to change your name: I like other names but I’d never change my own. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday: My last birthday was Fathers Day so it was really just whatever he wanted to do. I’ve not really done anything for my own in awhile. Bright side is that I told my Dad I’m his biggest dad joke. 

26. what time did you wake up: 10 because I’m being lazy as much as possible before that turns into 5 for swimming.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: well I was talking with my friend, pattonpending. If the deer thing had happened to thomas I was off making puns on his twitter posts. 

28. name something you can’t wait for: Is it sad that I can’t think of something. Maybe going back to school so I can see my non-pocket buddies. 

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: Today

31. what are you listening to right now: Somebody That I Used to Know cover by Christina Grimmie

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes. My ((evil)) high school swim coach was named Tom and some guy at my campus is named Tom and although I’ve talked to him, its really just saying hi to him. At my campus, everyone greets everyone. Its a very social atmosphere which is good for when Ive got a full introvert battery and want to talk. 

33. something that is getting on your nerves: Myself 24/7. I really need to treat myself with more kindness.

34. most visited website: I don’t think there is ONE website I visit the most. It really depends on the day.

35. hair colour: Dark Brown ((It has red in it but you can’t see it))

36. long or short hair: Long. I’ve not had a haircut in awhile.

37. do you have a crush on someone: does a friendship one count? Like I really value our friendship/ want to be your friend. I don’t have any romantic ones and don’t think I ever have

38. what do you like about yourself: well I can draw, and people say my mannerisms are cute, Im tall(6 ft), I have a gold ring around the middle of my eye, and I give good hugs :)

39. piercings: none at all

40. blood type: no idea

41. nickname: Tator tot, Tay, Tay-Tay

42. relationship status: single wondering if I really want to mingle or if I just want cuddles.

43. zodiac: Gemini

44. pronouns: She/Her 

45. favourite tv show: So many ugh. I’ll give a few: Merlin, Doctor Who, Hetalia, Star Trek ((DS9 is my fav)), Teen Wolf, Supernatural, and Parks and Rec

46. tattoos: Im too indecisive to choose, but no. 

47. right or left handed: Right-handed.

48. surgery: nope

49. piercing: none

50. sport: I’m a swimmer and I swim the mile((1650 yards)). It takes around 20 minutes to finish it. 

51. vacation: I went to Germany and Poland in May. It wasn’t to visit happy locations, but I really wanted to visit Germany in any way. I took German years ago, and love the culture. I am sad to say I’ve lost a lot of it which is why I follow some German blogs on here.

52. pair of trainers: ((Tennis shoes?)) Yes. The sport of swimming doesn’t let you get away with one type of training. We do land training ((we call it dryland)). So, I have a pair for that

more general

53. eating: Nothing yet today. Pasta is my fav food.

54. drinking: usually diet dew. During the school year coffee is a sunday thing and I drink lemonade instead of soda. 

55. i’m about to: Eat.

56. waiting for: nothing atm

57. want: Uhmm. I want to be hugged by someone taller and stronger. I was so touch starved going into college I actually prayed to Jesus to give me someone who will give lots of hugs ((thats a little sad looking back)). I just wanted the kind of hugs that dean would give cas or the one hug merlin got when he was found coming out of a bog. I found someone who gives hugs, but not the hug where you feel protected and engulfed in. Im usually the one giving that.

58. get married: My idea of any sort of romance is like the New Girl situation where you have someone who totally understands you and all your quirks but still loves you. Not really looking for anything sexual, just cuddly. 

59. career: looking to be an art teacher.

60. hugs or kisses: Hugs!! Idk anything about giving/ receiving kisses sooo...

61. lips or eyes: uh....

62. shorter or taller: I don't mind either (( are we talking about friends or...?))

63. older or younger. I dont mind either

64. nice arms or nice stomach: People usually use me as the shoulder stomach thing so idk. I really do want to be in the other role at some point. 

65. hook up or relationship: Relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. Last time someone asked me out I panicked so hard I cried. 

67. kissed a stranger: Nope.

68. drank hard liquor: never

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yes. When you lose a contact lense, they go off into the void to be lost forever.

70. turned someone down: yes ((see 66))

71. sex on the first date: Never had sex and never dated

72. broken someone’s heart: Not that I know of

73. had your heart broken: nah

74. been arrested: Listen buddy if I am like that spongebob moment where he’s crying and saying I'm a good noodle. So getting arrested is hardcore not something I plan on doing.

75. cried when someone died: yes

76. fallen for a friend: nope

do you believe in …

77. yourself: no but I am trying to work on that

78. miracles: yes

79. love at first sight: yes

80. santa claus: nope

81. kiss on the first date: idk

82. angels: yes

other

83. current best friend’s name: I can’t choose. 

84. eye colour: Blue/green ((it varies)) with a gold ring around the middle

85. favourite movie: I can’t choose. I have such a soft spot for Rise of the Gaurdians though. 

Thanks for tagging me @yoshifics! This was long and hopefully I overshared something about myself to the internet! Be kind to yourselves!!!

#me #tagged

[noecat]

88 qn tag meme

thank u 2 the lovely @jiminieboi for tag!!

holy shit this was long,,listen i tag no one but my wife @wingjk bc im literally too lazy to breathe rn

the last:

1. DRINK: passionfruit red tea. it was too sweet i wish i’d gone w green but that’s too sour,,,,honestly a representation of my personality as a whole

2. PHONE CALL: school friend who was wondering where i was

3. TEXT MESSAGE: if messenger counts, @wingjk bc i was going to sleep

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: come back home by bts

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: i don’t recall!! perhaps a couple weeks ago?

have you:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: don’t call me out like this

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: not really? i dont regret many things

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: ha

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yes

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: listen

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: i don’t get drunk

top 3 favorite colors

12. black

13. pink

14. in your area

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes and i love them

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE:  L I S T E N

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: rarely, but yes!!

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yall. assholes. love to gossip. and i love finding out about it so it’s a mutually beneficial thing

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: doesn’t everyone change me to some degree?? yes, though i do think a lot of the char dev ive undergone was internally motivated and not bc of a specific person,,,i just want to treat people better.

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: yes and i Love Them

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: ppft no who the fuck even facebooks in the year 2k17,,,tho,, @wingjk​ hmu ;(

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: none

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a kitten !! listen he’s an asshole but i love him

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: as in legally?? i wish!! hopefully soon

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: ha ha dont talk to me

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i overslept today bc my sleeping schedule is,,,,,very good,,,,,,,,,,,

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: readin fanfic rip

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: hobi. wheres. ur. mixtape. where. also MY BDAY IS IN LESS THAN A MONTH !!! LOVE ME !!!!!!

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: uhm yesterday

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: listen,

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: the sweet sound of everyone being loud as fuc

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: i dont think so ??

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: people breathing around me

lost questions

34. MOLE(S): ya

35. MARK(S): scars ?? i fell into a ditch once and i still have the scars from that,,also depression isnt ideal

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: to be a lawyer

37. HAIR COLOR: brown but im gna bleach it someday

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR:  short-ish

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: not romantically but i am currently interested in someone, yeees

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: sometimes the planets alighn just right and i say something quotable that im proud of

41. PIERCINGS: that havent healed completely already ? 2, in my ears

42. BLOODTYPE: red

43. NICKNAME(S): q, ‘that asshole’, kyu

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: not looking

45. ZODIAC: leo

46. PRONOUNS: im agender. i strongly prefer it/its for Reasons but some of yall fucks take offense bc ‘but u are not an object!!’ and like. listen. if u think that using ‘they/them’, which i do not want to be called, is somehow more respectful to my identity ???  ? ?  ? i dont rly have much to say. in spaces where people are less tolerant and presentation overrides id, i go by she/hers.

47. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: i dont watch them anymore but ill always have a special spot in my heart for hannibal and my earliest experiences w bbc sherlock (ahahah can u believe i used to be a sh blog tho)

48. TATTOOS: not yet!! i want to get mine right the first time

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: technically ambidextrous but ive been using my right hand for so long (bc u dont rly realize how inconvenient literally everything is w left hand until u try it skdfjgfg) that it’s now my dominant one

50. SURGERY: yes, but minor

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nop but ive shaved it all off once

52. SPORT: used to sail, used to kayak, now i possess no skills. i actually ish i did have a sport i play regularly, but, i am a Lazy Fuck,

53. VACATION: aksdjfd i dont rmbr !! i travelled a lot when i was young. now we just go to neighboring countries over breaks sometimes.

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: not converse low, that’s 4 sure

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: nothing, but hopefully about to

56. DRINKING: nothing, but hopefully about to

57. I’M ABOUT TO: eat, drink, go home

58. WAITING FOR: senpai to answer my anon ask. senpai pls. senpai im dying here i only get wifi sporadically for like 10 min at a time senpai plsease

59. WANT:  see hoseok irl someday, to not fail my year end exams, to have a good future after this. if we’re going wildly unrealistic, give me financial stability and the power to play piano proficiently.

60. GET MARRIED: honestly i think this would depend on where i am in life, where my partner(s) is/are in life, and what we want out of our relationship (plus, my generation supposedly killed marriage, so)

61. CAREER: listen i used to want to be a lawyer real bad before i grew up and realized im a fuckign depressed idiot who cant do shit so now im just hoping for some kind of stable job that i wont hate,,,,,,i lean towards the social sciences, and they’re what im best at, but my fucking dumb ass is currenly taking natural sciences instead because ????? no fuckin clue, past me, what the fuck,

62. HUGS OR KISSES: i dont like hugs much, so kisses. though i do like to cuddle ??? i think ??? theoretically ???? normally i just dont let ppl touch me

63. LIPS OR EYES: lips

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: couldn’t care less but theres smth hot abt someone being taller than me (unrelated news kuroo is 187cm holy shit fuck T O W E R O V E R M E)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: as in ?? romantically ?? to be friends with ?? if it’s the former, almost definitely older. for the latter, i prefer older, but personality matters more than age does.

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: dont care. tho if u have arms that could snap my neck, 

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: as in me ?? listen im both. im both. but if we’re talking partners, i imagine kuroo is plenty loud, so that,

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: listen i dont care as long as it’s enjoyable and mutually beneficial

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: hm

have your ever:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: nop

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nop

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yes, but found them

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: ya!!

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nop

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: not intentionally ??

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: : l i s t e n

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nop im a good upstanding citizen

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: as in irl ?? i dont think so

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: hm, no, i,

do you believe in:

80. YOURSELF:  ya im great. im a piece of shit but *insert trash can not trash cannot meme*

81. MIRACLES: nah

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: nah

83. SANTA CLAUS: nah. attraction, maybe

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: do what u want !! 

85. ANGELS: @wingjk is one so i can confirm

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): van, iv, jess are u a best friend or am i reading u wrong, id say drea but she’s my soulmate, id say nastya but she’s my wife and will complain i friendzoned her

other

87. EYE COLOUR: greenish

88. FAVOURITE MOVIE: casino royale !!! also all the ghibli things were my childhood

#q.txt #.txt

[lasiiurus-archived]

thank you !

^^ dis gif isn't mine. but that's totally my face.

Here it is! This is my big dumb 'thank-you' post that I've been meaning to write. So if you weren't aware, I've actually closed this blog (aside from some random posts about Logan and a Batman Podcast - you should listen to it) due to some major, major problems with the DC fandom that I find toxic and quite frankly disgusting. But das stuff that sadly I can't change so I'm doing what's best for me and getting my ass outta here before my love for Batman is forever ruined by blind and immature fanboys.

i started writing bryce around about 2015. My first blog was called surgitisms but I changed it because someone made some burnbook callout about me copying someones url (I had no idea that blog existed rofl - surgit is latin for 'rise'). I then moved to rageinyourbones (shoutouts to joseph gordon levitt) where i spent most of my time, developing this character that wasn't even my idea - it was just a passing remark from a lovely actress by the name of Natalie Dormer. now as you're aware (and as i continually apologize for) i fucked up on that blog, and i've done my best to reach out and make amends with the people i offended (and they were super gracious and accepted my apology). but that negative bollocks aside, i grew up so much on that blog. i learned some amazing things about myself, i learned some bad things about myself, and most importantly i created a character that i personally believe is different to bruce wayne. i ended up headcannoning late at night, thinking about how she would act differently to bruce, about how she would interact with certain characters etc etc etc.

but what really made all the difference was the people i met.

you guys are fucking amazing. i mean lets be real - the tumblr rp community can be fucked sometimes. we've all seen it, but what i love is that we tend to (80% of the time) treat each other as real human beings and see that what we're really here for is just the love of these dumb fictional characters. they give us a break from the savagery of life and its endless woes. i am so, so so grateful and so so so blessed to have known the people i have on here. people whom i met on rageinyourbones and followed me across to here, and people whom i met here. holy bollocks im rambling - im just gonna tag some specific people who really really made my life on here so enjoyable. the rest i'll just lump into one big post because i'm lazy like that.

@fracturedportrait - harmony. i remember meeting you the first time. i remember it so clearly. you were so chill, so spunky (god i feel old using that word), and you had such a passion for your oc. i remember the first plot we had, the inspiration we shared... who knew that it was the beginning of my greatest friendship and my #1 OTP for bryce. you were the first person whom i ever actually spoke to off tumblr (remember when i called you?? and you heard my dumb aussie accent??). i remember legitimately getting teary over memes, i remember smiling so much during our threads, i remember (and still do) laugh about us talking about how our sin is like a lovely vintage of wine. your writing consistently, unimaginably, pushes and has pushed me to better mine. with every post you made, you helped improve my writing. you are such a blessing to me and i am not going to just let this stay as some dumb tumblr friendship. we'll face time, and i'll be sure to credit you when i'm on the red carpet with natalie dormer being like 'so what made you want to write this film about a female batman?'. i'll just be like 'yo there was this really cool chick who wrote a vampire and she told me to just write this film'.

@halysborn - SWAN. ho man. do you remember when i wrote that giant meta about how dick literally changed not just bryce's life, but bruce's? i firmly believe that dick is the most important character in bruce's life. and i mean i'm talking on the same level as alfred - even more. he's the TRUE son. the son whom saved him. like i just cry about how bruce says that line - 'sometimes i think i've never done any good in my life. then i look at dick and realize i'm wrong' or whatever that actual phrase is. i PHYSICALLY VOM WHEN PEOPLE SHIP THEM. but yo that's other stuff. what's important is that you have supported me selflessly and without strings. you've supported me here, you've supported me over on deshibcsara, you've just been a consistent rock, an unyielding foundation of encouragement. i still, and will NEVER delete that voice recording where you talk about me and my love for batman. it gives me such hope and reminds me that, yeah i fuck up, but i've at least affected someone else's life and how they see batman. my only regret is that i was so goddamn slow with replying to our stuff. and that was literally because i felt like you deserved nothing but my absolute best. you are incredible, and from one aussie to another, i love you brocookie!

@femmekill - could u pls stop spamming my facebook wall with memes?? SIKE I LIED. I FUCKING LOVE IT. my mum literally asked me the other night 'who is -insert your real name-?' and i was like 'oh thats my wife' and she was like '???' and i just said 'dont even BOTHER trying to understand'. you have been nothing but optimistic about me. you consistently, relentlessly see the good in me. i dont think there's ever been a time where like i've felt wronged by you? or at the very least felt like i was a burden to you? you never fail to spread positivity. even when you were feeling like shit and i tried to cheer you up, it's like you turned it on me and were like 'nah gus you're not cheering me up IM CHEERING YOU UP - thats how it works'. im so fucking whipped by you, because you're just such a blessing to my life. the day we shared FB's was like the day i realized 'WELP IM IN THIS MARRIAGE FOR LIFE NOW'. when it comes to your writing - i'm just breathless. the tumblr rp fandom does not deserve you. keep doing your thing man - don't ever let douchebag anons change that.

@marblebelow - I SINCERELY HOPE YOU STILL HAVE THE RECORDING OF ME SINGING 'THE CONFRONTATION'. especially with the 'DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN'. that shit is lit. yo but mikel really. the days of us writing together - writing fisk/bryce and then writing jim/bryce... i value it so much. you've taught me to pursue every little nuance in bryce's character. and i mean that - you ask me tiny little questions, and holy crap i end up going into a massive internal investigation. and worst of all (or best??) you jsut lavish me with genuine, kind words. i regret that we didnt get to write much more (both of us having major stress/overwhelmed issues), but dude, like, never stop being you - you have such overwhelming, unimaginable depths of creativity. even if you don't realize it, or feel like you don't, believe me - you do. it sounds like -- errr.... arrogant? but ive spent the last six years studying writing/fiction/film and just immersing myself in it so i feel like i have SOME credibility - you really really do have a gift.

@ivyworn - 'yes hello i'd like to report a murder? the victim is ME' aka this is what happens whenever we talk. so we never actually got to do much writing, but honestly? i literally feel like we did writing in the SPIRIT with all of our tumblr IMs and just the amount of shit talking we did. PUMA. LEST WE FORGET. PUMA. no but real talk, i was supposed to send you a birthday gift aka im still gonna get my ass onto paypal and do that SO DONT YOU LEAVE YOUR BLOG. AND YOU CANNOT SAY NO. i've never met anyone whom has such an in-depth love and understanding for ivy. i remember chatting about Cast Shadows with you and the level of complexitity between Batman and Ivy. i mentioned this but Batman/Ivy is literally my OTP for Bruce. i just think it is such an interesting avenue that no writer (post Cast Shadows) has explored. whenever we spoke, i had such a smile on my face, i cannot even begin to desribe it. i really really hope life goes well for you and treats you with the care and respect you DESERVE.

@psyclownsis @scarestress tags both blogs bc i have no idea where you are these days. so i already recorded that voice meme thing talking about you piri - but i literally just want to further express my admiration and gratitude for you. you've stuck by me, you've pulled me aside and been like 'oi gus you're being a douche stop it', and you've just supported me and taken such an interest in this dumb character i write that literally just blows me away. the fact that we barely write but i still feel so close to you and so valued by you is just a testament to the power of tumblr rp friendships. we don't NEED to write together to be friends and to respect and admire each other. AND LORD KNOWS i admire you. i admire your dedication, i admire your 'idgaf' attitude. and honestly i just admire your unrelenting loyalty to people.

because i've literally written an essay - the rest of these tags are people that i admire and love, even if we haven't had much chance to interact.

@agoodluthor | @gunkanjiima | @grincarved | @terrifiesthem | @tcmbraider | @truthpiety | @influencedbyfear | @inexactexpiration | @aftcrshocks | @fallencomrade | @geniusfuturist | @mangledgrin | @shewolveriine | @tragicloss | @unleashedjustice | @volchista | @widowscars 

#long post for ts #im gonna turn anon on just for these last few days #just in case you wanted to share something and you were like 'nah dont wanna do it publicly' #but yo if you send douchey stuff im just gonna brush you off because i aint got time for dat #anyways I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS

[suchawonderfullife]

4. My Catalyst- The power of a kind gesture

How I stumbled across this treatment center is a little weird as I wasn’t actively searching for treatment overseas, actually it wasn’t even in my thought process. However, I believe the universe gives you everything at the right time, when you’re truely ready and everything is a stepping stone to where you are supposed to be. When something is meant for you, the universe will give you a little tap on the shoulder, if you don’t listen it’ll send you the same message, but maybe with a clip around the ear. If you fail to hear THAT message, the universe will actually punch you in the face and tell you to wake the fuck up. It’s physics ;) haha. 

So around 3 and a half years ago when I started seeing my holistic Dr (the one who cured himself of Lyme) and I was only a few appointments in, there were stories of Lyme on shows like A Current Affair. With patients who were gravely ill and had travelled to Germany for hyperthermia treatment. They were claiming to have great success with this treatment and had got their life back. My parents and I were like holy shit! Maybe I should go to Germany?

We spoke to my CFS Dr and natural Dr about it and both BEGGED me not to go. They said “don’t do it, it’ll destroy you and we will be left to mop up the mess” (not kill me, but in laymen's terms they meant- it’ll fuck you up!). I joined groups on Facebook of these specific clinics and started researching, but something also didn’t sit right with me about it. It’s a controversial treatment, quite harsh on the body, with no long term documentation of what it does to your organs 5, 10, 20 years post-treatment. It also ONLY targets the Borrelia Burgdorferi bacteria (lyme disease), but with lyme you carry multiple co-infections. I have at least 4 co-infections that are just as destructive as the lyme. So I blow $50-$70K to only kill the Borrelia and I’m still stuck with the other co-infections. I sat with this dilemma for a while as I watched my friends go overseas and read many testimonials and anecdotal experiences in the Facebook groups. The general consensus (in my opinion) was not good. I do not recommend this treatment for long-term chronic patients like myself. It has helped SOME people, but in comparison to the one’s who come back sicker, or originally improved but who relapse, I don’t believe it is worth the risk. A family friend also had this treatment for cancer and does not recommend it as it did permanent damage to one of their organs. They were mortified when my parents said they had considered sending me there. The only other clinics I knew overseas were the mainstream one’s that pump you full of antibiotics and there is no way I was going to do that. 

A year ago, a friend on Facebook sent me a message notifying me of a “Lyme Summit” taking part in America. I’d never heard of it. And can I just add, this lady (named Jennifer- thank you beautiful lady) is an acquaintance, someone I have met once in real life. She went out of her way to tell me about this summit out of the goodness of her own heart. This summit was the catalyst for this entire journey and my potential to now get better. So don’t underestimate the power of a kind gesture and thinking of someone else. I looked it up and it was a week of interviews with highly regarded Dr’s in America who treat Lyme in various ways, sharing their findings and treatment methods. I could have paid a small fee to have access to the 5-6 interviews playing each day, or I could pay $100 to have access to the 30+ interviews to listen to whenever I want. So I paid the $100. The summit was fantastic. It was mainly holistic Dr’s talking about detoxing, diet, FIR saunas, Vit C infusions and holistic treatment centres. This is where I heard from a Dr. who works at the Lifeworks Wellness Centre. His theory on Lyme residing in the mouth, jaw and teeth is something I had heard before. So they have a dentist working on patients as part of their treatment, coupled with holistic methods I have also heard good things about. 

I started researching this clinic and corresponding with them. It was like a light bulb went off in my brain. I didn’t know centres like this existed and this is what I needed to get better. I started discussing my plans with my partner and parents. Only problem was that going to America to this clinic would cost me anywhere between $40-$70k. So we would have to fundraise. We created a gofundme and I continued to speak to past patients, the clinic itself and do my own research. My hesitations with this clinic were that they required you to stay for 1-3 months (they wouldn’t know how long until you arrived), so being an overseas patient made this tricky. Furthermore, some of their treatment methods (IV minerals and Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy) do not have long-term evidence of sustainable recovery. People do tend to feel better with these treatment initially, but I want to know if 5,10, 20 years later I’m still better. I can’t find the evidence. I still had mostly positive feedback and a good feeling about this place though, so I do recommend people look it up (and it is still my second choice of clinic). 

I told another Lyme friend of my plans and she is the “go to” person for treatment advice. She said “have you looked into the Hansa Center? I met a lady who went there and she is doing really well because of it.” I had never heard of it, but my mind was already pretty set on the Lifeworks Wellness Center. I can be stubborn sometimes. I did look them up, but I wasn’t well enough to read and absorb all their information. So I had a quick glance and joined their mailing list, couldn’t hurt I thought. Our fundraising and planning was taking off and I was pretty set on Lifeworks. 

I started getting emails from the Hansa Center as they send out a regular newsletter with some sort of health related article attached that’s written by one of their Dr’s. The first piece they sent me was about how they treat Lyme Disease and that conventional Lyme Treatment is like treating a house with termites. If you simply eradicate the Lyme, you are left with a badly damaged house on the inside, that must be repaired. They elaborated on their belief of repairing the body as a whole so that it is able to fight for itself, rather than simply flushing out the disease. The disease or diagnosis is actually irrelevant to them, as they focus on rebuilding what has been damaged so that the disease can no longer thrive. This made so much sense to me as it everything my natural Dr has been doing with me and believes in. So I started doing some more research on the clinic. 

Dr. Jernigan (the head of the Hansa Center) has a blog. I found his blog and started reading more of his articles. I watched their seminars on youtube and the information they were providing was amazing. One of the Drs explained in a seminar how they created their own herbal remedy that kills lyme bacteria. They then compared it to antibiotics that kill Lyme. He said the way to measure the rate at which the bacteria is dying is through the urine, as the dead bacteria is excreted that way. They showed a chart which indicated the patients that used the herbal remedy extracted 10x more dead lyme bacteria, than the patients on antibiotics. How incredible is that? Another seminar talked about research showing that every virus you have ever had in your body is never fully eradicated. It was something like 95% gets killed off, but there is a small % that never leaves the body and it can all be traced in your saliva (something like that, I read it a while ago). That includes every cold you’ve ever had, not just serious viruses. So if your goal with Lyme Disease is to simply kill all the bacteria by antibiotics or herbals that flush it out, yet you don’t repair what’s wrong with your body (which is how the illness was able to thrive in the first place), you will never get better. Your body is physically incapable of eradicating any virus 100%. 

So I researched this place more. I messaged every patient who left a review on their Facebook page to ask if they’d share their experience with me. About 6 replied and were happy to answer my questions. I was looking for patients who had been treated there at least 2-3 years ago and were still in good health. I wanted to know their level of health before they went compared to their level of health now. Some patients might say they’re “so much better”, but if they arrived at 5% health, an improvement to 50% might be their idea of “so much better,” which doesn’t help me. I wanted concrete, tangible, anecdotal evidence. And I certainly got it. All of those 6 people were doing very well and highly recommended going there. Some were working full time, running in fun runs, back at school full time and simply able to live a normal life again free of such immense suffering. 

I also spoke to a woman from my own city who was treated there. We spoke on the phone. In all honesty, she relapsed from mold poisoning. I then messaged the clinic in a panic thinking I need to treat my mold poisoning before I go, or I won’t respond properly to the treatment. Dr. Jernigan replied to me personally with a very long explanation as to why that’s not needed and his reasoning was quite correct (in my opinion). He explained the reasons she may have relapsed. He acknowledged that mold poisoning is quite difficult to treat but they do treat it if it comes up as one of my top 10 health problems. He also explained that if I simply focus on one thing at a time, the mold, then the lyme, then the heavy metals, then this then that etc, I will be treating myself forever. For how complex I and many others in my position are, it is impractical. What they do is repair the body as a whole, so that I will return to health faster. Lots of people carry the Lyme bacteria, are exposed to mold and have heavy metals in their systems from vaccines and environment exposures, yet they never get sick. It’s my body systems that are the problem, not the outside entities that have contributed to me becoming so sick. 

Moreover, in regards to the woman who relapsed after treatment at Hansa, I don’t know this woman personally and there are many reasons why she may have relapsed that have nothing to do with the clinic and the care they provided. I have to look at this in an objective manner. Some people (not saying particularly this person) don’t follow advice or treatment protocols, re-expose themselves to mold or other toxins they are already poisoned with and every bodies chemistry and illnesses are so complex and different. So I can’t simply look at one person who didn’t get better, next to over a handful who did and assume the treatment mustn’t work. She still highly recommended the clinic and said it helped her a lot. Hansa doesn’t promise to “cure” you either. They have an 85% success rate in patients responding positively to their treatment. A small minority do not respond for whatever reason. That’s why it’s so important to do your research. 

Moreover, I think getting better will be a life long journey for me. I don’t expect to go to a clinic for a few weeks, be made better and be able to do whatever I want (i.e. eat bad food, drink, not get enough sleep, push my body further than it is capable). I expect to go to a clinic and have them jump-start my recovery, but I will be working hard for a long time and then having to maintain habits of detoxing, medications and lifestyle choices many people wouldn’t ever need to consider or have probably heard of. 

I then had to break the news to my parents that I’d found a different and better clinic (for me). This was going to make me appear flimsy and indecisive. My parents were (understandably) hesitant and a little closed off to the idea of a different clinic. They then did their own research and saw what I saw. The beliefs and morals of this clinic were exactly what my natural Dr had been telling me for the last 3 years. They also didn’t offer HBOT or IV minerals (good, because I can’t find the long term benefit in that), they don’t do dentistry (to my disappointment), but they offered a list of holistic and natural detoxing and healing methods that are in alignment with what I’ve responded well to here. They also have over 1,000 natural remedies and tailor make your supplements to exactly what your body needs. OH! And they treat patients with the same brand of essential oils I’ve been using for the last 2 years. They’re speaking my language. 

So I emailed the clinic and asked for more information. They sent me their patient intake form. This was lengthy, over 10 pages from memory. I had to give very detailed information on my illnesses. I also had to write a 1 page essay on my experience with my health. I remember constantly checking my email, just waiting for their reply. Something inside me just wanted this so bad, like my heart and soul and entire being knew this is what I needed and I was desperate to be accepted. A few days later at around 1am (my time), I received a reply and opened it nervously. They had accepted my application and believed I was a suitable fit for their treatment program. I was ecstatic and relieved. I had found my answer. This is the place I will go to get better and I will do whatever it takes to get there. 

Then began the planning of when I would leave and what this trip would entail. It would mean a minimum of 2 trips to the clinic over a 6 month period. We settled on going around May for the first trip and November for the second (had to be worked around family members life events also). I worked out the cost of 2 trips would come to around $57,000 and how long it would take me to save that kind of money. Upon much number crunching and working out time frames and logistics, my parents agreed the best idea was for my partner and I to move back home with them to save money. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have such supportive and selfless parents and a partner who would sacrifice so much for me to get treatment. 

October last year (7 months ago), we left our current house the minute our lease was up and made the big move to 77km away, back to my parents. This was a major task that took several months of planning and left me with significant pay back for weeks after. My research hasn’t stopped either. I’ve read blogs, medical forums and spoken to more patients. I’ve probably read posts from over 50 different people detailing their experiences. All it does is constantly re-affirm my decision that this clinic is my best shot at recovery. 

I also recently read another article of Dr. Jernigan’s that’s about what to expect on your first appointment at Hansa. When they conduct all their tests, work out what’s wrong with you and the best methods of treatment. He talked about your health being like a vault and that you need to find the right 10 digit combination to unlock that vault. Some Dr’s are great at what they do (like my natural Dr), but they may only be able to give you 1 or 2 numbers to the combination. That’s why I got to 50% health and I can’t get above that. My natural Dr is brilliant at what he does, but he can’t fix all of me. My CFS Dr is also brilliant, the testing I’ve accessed thanks to him has helped me understand exactly what’s wrong with me and I’ve been fortunate to have access to medications that have improved my quality of life dramatically. However, being that he is a mainstream Dr, he is more along the lines of understanding what is wrong with me and treating symptoms with medication, rather than being able to fix and heal my body long term. I don’t think any mainstream Dr has the capacity to fix me in that way anyway. 

Dr. Jernigan also talked about that every time you try a new treatment that doesn’t work, you do damage to your body that then has to be repaired on top of your already sick body. This is why I cannot keep throwing money at this treatment and this Dr and this special kind of water and this pill that gives you energy. It’s not going to work for me. I’ve tried so much already (believe me, like a SHITLOAD of treatments, not just 2 or 3 things, I’m talking DOZENS) and it hasn’t worked. It’s been 12 years and I’m tired of being sick and spending thousands every month on simply existing or trialling something that I really can’t afford and doesn’t end up working anyway. I need a team of Dr’s in a highly specialised clinic that can look at EVERYTHING and know exactly where things went wrong and how to repair it. No Dr in Australia will be able to do that. But the Hansa Center can :) :) :) :) 

*NOTE: Do not take anything I’ve said about the clinic or the Dr’s as verbatim. I am merely “quoting” them from my own interpretation and memory of what I have read or heard, so not all facts may be entirely accurate.*

#lyme #Lyme Disease #lyme treatment #chronic illness #chronic lyme #chronic fatigue syndrome #hansa #hansa center

[anadventurousgirl]

‘One minute to go’ the starter announces. Breathe. Just breathe. ‘Thirty seconds’. I stare down the churning river. Focus. ’10 seconds’. Our paddles raise and poise. They must not touch the water until…’Go!’ Adrenaline surges, hearts pump, muscles strain. Six people, one raft – we swore we came here just for fun but now the competition is on!

How did I end up raft racing in Romania?

If you’d told me a year ago this is where I would be I would have laughed. Since starting work at British Canoeing in 2015 I had done a fair bit of paddling but white water always seemed well beyond my reach. There was always a desire though. I had asked a colleague previously ‘how would I get on the white water course?’ ‘We could find you a way if you like’ he replied.

In the end I found my own way there. With the help of some pretty awesome people. ‘You should try rafting’, another colleague told me. ‘There are starter sessions on a Wednesday night. It’s great fun.’ And so, the next Wednesday I found myself getting slammed in the face with freezing water for the first time…and really quite liking it. Fast forward six months and I’m on the start line of my first race in Romania. A new sport and a new country all in one!

What is white water raft racing?

Lots of us have had a fun time with our mates on the commercial rafting experiences you can purchase in the UK and abroad. I had a great afternoon a few years ago with my best friend and have a lot of pictures to prove it! But raft racing is a little different. Racing in teams of four or six, everyone in the boat has a role to play in ensuring that obstacles are avoided, slalom gates are negotiated, speed and timing is maintained and that sticky situations are got out of without anyone taking a swim!

Over the course of a weekend teams take part in four races; sprint, slalom, head to head and downriver. Each race holds a certain number of points, which add up to your overall score:

Sprint – exactly what it says; get down a section of river as fast as you can.

Slalom – just as in canoeing; negotiate a number of sets of upward and downward slalom poles.

Head to head – (the really exciting one!) set off at the same time as another team and it’s the first to the finish…but…there are obstacles to negotiate along the way.

Downriver – endurance. A longer course which tests you when you’re tired.

That’s the boring explanation stuff out of the way…

I’ve never raced like this before. I’m used to start line nerves at the beginning of a running race, but this is different. There’s an audience, a crowd. Not only the other teams but locals from the town have turned out in force too. Clutching cardboard cut out paddles they ask us to pose for photos and sign autographs. The music is pumping and the atmosphere fantastic.

My teammates; Beth, Steph*, Kellie, Debs and SJ have a mix of experience. We are positioned in the boat depending on our strengths. My strength is power: vocal and body – I am middle right. Kellie, positioned in front of me, looks sick with nerves. We get into a routine before each race – she punches me in my buoyancy aid, I punch her in hers. We have to do it…for luck.

We’ve had some practice runs on the river the day before racing. Learning where the bigger rocks are. Where there are hidden obstacles. The best line to take. What we will do if it all goes wrong. We are ready.

*This is the same crazy Steph I attempted to run across Iceland with.

We race!

The sprint race is up first. And it goes well. That’s all I can tell you – I don’t remember much more. It felt smooth, we were happy and my legs were shaking at the end! We wait, watching for movement from the officials tent. Someone emerges and pins paper to board; we rush to look. We won sprint! Wow, just wow. I am amazed. But was this just a fluke? Did we get lucky.

We still have a long day ahead. Head to Head is up next and then slalom. Downriver is tomorrow. The day is roasting hot and there is little relief form the sun. As we watch others race we struggle to find shade. Our kit is hot and heavy and I drink constantly to stay hydrated.

The head to head is truly exhilarating. ‘Don’t worry about where the other boat is’ I scream, ‘let’s just focus on what we’re doing.’ I don’t really need to tell my teammates this. They’re so cool and awesome. We win our first race and just…just…just win our second too. I am pumped!

Here is a video of that second race…

Could we win this?

Coming to Romania we had declared that we were here for the raft racing experience. Winning wasn’t discussed. But now…now we’re sitting in first place. However, slalom and downriver hold more points. It could all change so quickly.

And it does. We do well at slalom. Our first run is the fast but another team are faster on their second run. This puts us second in slalom and therefore drops us into silver medal position overnight.

For now though, it’s time to for the race party. I briefly question the wisdom of multiple carafes of very reasonably priced wine the night before our final race. But my doubts are quickly forgotten as we head to the dance floor.

lost to partying. Strong coffee is chucked down throats as we head to the river for our deciding race.

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Downriver

Boats are set off in groups for this race. We’re in a group with the Bulgarian ladies, who are in pole position and a few of the men’s teams. We have seven kilometers of rocky, white water river to negotiate, culminating in a final drop named ‘the washing machine’. If you go into that bit wrong – well the name says it all!

We start strongly but yesterday has fatigued us. The Bulgarian ladies are stronger

and beat us to the finish line. Most importantly for us though – we take the right line on the washing machine and all finish in the boat!

Are we silver raft racing medalists?

Transported back to our hotel, we now have to wait for the other teams to race. We can’t win gold now but will we hold on to silver? The wait seems to go on forever but finally race times are posted. Some swift mental maths, we check and recheck…but it finally sinks in…we’ve done it! My first raft racing competition and we are coming away with silver medals. I am elated!

To add to the joy our men’s team have scooped bronze in their category, against some tough competition.

I decide the best way to celebrate is to drag Steph up a big nearby hill. It had been starting at me for three days and just wanted to be climbed before we left. There was swearing from Steph.

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A little extra drama

We were now parting from SJ and the men’s team, while five of us went on to do a few days of touristing in Brasov and Bucharest. We grab a life to Brasov, along winding mountain roads. The scenery is stunning; snow capped mountains, rural villages and storks nesting on every other telegraph post. Spirits are high adn we can’t wait to celebrate in Brasov.

We’re staying in the Evil Clown Hostel; yep, it was as odd as it sounds but perfectly nice. I’m feeling sick. Really sick. Steph helpfully suggests I go for a ‘tactical chunder’ in the hope I will then feel better. Fair enough. I head to the toilets. Throw up. Pass out. Wake up wedged down the side of the toilet with, what appears to be a broken nose. Whoops.

Kellie’s face as I stagger back into the room says it all. Beth makes swift phone calls. One of the Romanian raft racing team is quickly on his way to transport me to hospital. Steph is coming with me too but first takes some pics to send to the rest of the group. Who doesn’t love a good injury picture?

The hospital and beyond

It’s March 31st 2019. We were due to leave the EU two days ago but we didn’t. I’ll never know if this would have made a difference to my treatment but on production of my EHIC card and holiday insurance I was treated promptly and for free.

I was super impressed with the Romanian hospital. In around 2.5 hours I was given an ECG, CAT scan, two bags of IV fluids, some anti sickness medication and discharged. I also slept…a lot…even in the CAT scanner. It seems I was dehydrated and had heat stroke. There was no evidence that the party had anything to do with my condition; so I’m sticking with heat stroke!

The Dr. kindly told me I had raised enzyme levels which indicated I had worked physically hard; something I proudly told my teammates. She also mentioned I was bradycardic and I quote ‘something often seen in athletes’. Boom!!!

I was soon back at the hostel, clutching a CD of my CAT scan and feeling extremely grateful to the wonderful Mihai for being my Romanian savior.

My nose had miraculously popped back into place and was only making the gentlest of crunching sounds. My nausea had also receded. So, it was time to get on with the touristing!

Fancy a go at raft racing?

I would never have dreamed I’d be raft racing down a river in Romania. If I can do it you can too! It’s a fantastic and fun team sport and a good work out. I paddle with Notts Raft Racing and if you’re in the Midlands you can too! Check out their Facebook page for how to get started.

If you’re in a different part of the country get in touch with British Rafting on their Facebook page to discover where you can get started. Or, if you’d like to find out more about competition and where you can watch it pop to the International Rafting Federation website here.

I can’t wait to see you on the water!

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White Water Raft Racing In Romania 'One minute to go' the starter announces. Breathe. Just breathe. 'Thirty seconds'. I stare down the churning river.

#adventure #brasov #bucharest #raft racing #rafting #Romania #travel

[nancygduarteus]

Is Corn the Worst Food Allergy?

When Christine Robinson was first diagnosed with a corn allergy 17 years ago, she remembers thinking, “No more popcorn, no more tacos. I can do this.”

Then she tried to put salt on her tomatoes. (Table salt has dextrose, a sugar derived from corn.) She tried drinking bottled iced tea. (It contains citric acid, which often comes from mold grown in corn-derived sugar.) She tried bottle water. (Added minerals in some brands can be processed with a corn derivative.) She ultimately gave up on supermarket meat (sprayed with lactic acid from fermented corn sugars), bagged salads (citric acid, again), fish (dipped in cornstarch or syrup before freezing), grains (cross-contaminated in processing facilities), fruits like apples and citrus (waxed with corn-derived chemicals), tomatoes (ripened with ethylene gas from corn), milk (added vitamins processed with corn derivatives). And that’s not even getting to all the processed foods made with high fructose corn syrup, modified food starch, xanthan gum, artificial flavorings, corn alcohol, maltodextrin—all of which are or contain derivatives of corn.

“It’s such an useful plant,” Robinson says of corn. “It can be made into so very, very many things that are, from my perspective, trying to kill me.”

[ Read: Drowning in corn ]

Corn allergies are relatively rare, and ones as severe as Robinson’s are rarer still. (Many people unable to eat whole corn can still tolerate more processed corn derivatives.) But to live with a corn allergy is to understand very intimately how corn is everywhere. Most of the 14.6 billions bushels of corn grown in the U.S. are not destined to be eaten on the cob. Rather, as @SwiftOnSecurity observed in a viral corn thread, the plant is a raw source of useful starches that are ubiquitous in the supply chain.

It’s not just food. Robinson told me is she is currently hoarding her favorite olive oil soap, which she had been using for 17 years but recently went out of stock everywhere. (A number of soap ingredients like glycerin can come from corn.) She’s been reading up on DIY soapmaking. A year ago, the brand of dish soap she liked was reformulated to include citric acid, so she had to give up on that, too. And navigating the hospital with a corn allergy can be particularly harrowing. Corn can lurk in the hand sanitizer (made from corn ethanol), pills (made with corn starch as filler), and IV solutions (made with dextrose). A couple years ago, she went to see a specialist for a migraine, and her doctor insisted she get an IV that contained dextrose.

“And while in the midst of a migraine I had to argue with a doctor about the fact I really could not have a dextrose IV,” she says. In the moment, she realized how absurd it was for her to be telling a world-class specialist to change her treatment.

[ Read: The allergens in natural beauty products ]

Because corn allergies are rare, doctors are often not familiar with the potential scope. Robinson says she was the first case her original doctor had ever seen in 38 years, and he didn’t know to advise her against corn derivatives. Even official sources of medical information can be confusing, telling corn-allergy patients they do not need to avoid cornstarch and high-fructose corn syrup. Misinformation abounds in the other direction, too, as corn allergies can be easy to misdiagnosis and easy to self-diagnose incorrectly. All this means that corn allergy sufferers encounter a good deal of skepticism. But Robert Wood, president of the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology and a pediatric allergist at Johns Hopkins, told me that derivatives like corn syrup can indeed cause problems for certain people.

People with corn allergies have naturally been finding each other on the Internet. A Facebook group called Corn Allergy & Intolerance (Maize, Zea Mays) now has over 8,500 members. Becca, a tech worker in Washington state, writes a fairly prominent blog called Corn Allergy Girl. (She asked I not use her last name because she is currently interviewing for new jobs and didn’t want her health status to come up with employers.) The blog collates years of Becca’s research into corn allergies as well as resources inherited from other, now-defunct corn allergy blogs.

Members of the Facebook group have also forged ties with individual farms. Once a year, says Robinson, a farmer in California sends members of the group a big box of avocados that have not been exposed to corn-derived ethylene gas or waxes. “It’s a great month when you’re trying to get through all of them,” she says. For the rest of the time, she gets most of her food from a CSA with a local farm in Pennsylvania.

Becca, who writes Corn Allergy Girl, also gets a lot of her produce from local farms. The rest she grows. She goes to a specific butcher and meat processor who will custom-process whole animals for her without using lactic acid or citric acid. She has two fridges and several freezers to store food for the winter, when fresh vegetables are less abundant. “I go all Little House on the Prairie on the weekend,” she says, “pickling things and shredding them and baking them.” She counts herself lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest, where there are many organic, local farms. It’s harder to find fresh food in many other parts of the country, and it’s much harder to do so on a budget. “Your dollars just don’t go as far as if you’re getting bunch of Chef Boyardee. It’s very cheap to eat canned, preserved food,” says Becca. She had to run GoFundMes, for example, for friends who can’t afford to buy chicken from a source they can tolerate.

The diet of someone with a severe corn allergy is in some ways the ideal diet of a certain type of foodie: fresh, local, free of preservatives and processed foods, the provenance of every ingredient intensely catalogued. It’s just not exactly by choice.

Knowing how to avoid foods with corn is one thing; knowing how to navigate social situations where danger lurks in every corner is another.

Robinson says she has two rules when eating out with friends now. First, eat beforehand. Second, order a San Pellegrino and an appetizer for the table to share, which deflects the inevitable concern from the waitstaff. “They're nice, but people really feel they can find something, and they try. You have to keep saying, ‘No, I can’t I can’t,’ and everybody feels bad.”

Cassandra Wiselka, whose five-year-old is allergic to corn, has written about the problem of Halloween. Virtually all mass-produced candy contains high-fructose corn syrup. Her son still goes trick-or-treating, but she switches out the candy he collects with corn-free alternatives: lollipops, gummy bears, and “fancy expensive chocolate that we don’t even buy for ourselves.” She makes and freezes big batches of corn-free cupcakes and pizza to bring to birthday parties. It’s hard, she says. “He still gets upset at birthday parties and things where he has to have his own special food.” They recently had to turn down a birthday party that was moved to a pizza place last minute because they didn’t have time to make safe pizza to bring.

Wiselka’s family moved from Germany to California when her son was 18 months old. He seemed to get worse after the move. It’s hard to say exactly why but Wiselka noticed that “in Germany, things are a lot less processed, foodwise. At least not processed as much with things like corn.”

The one thing Robinson told me she really misses is being able to travel without worry. She did make a trip to Hawaii recently, after much advanced planning. She picked Hawaii for the scuba diving. When she dives, she has to watch out for a few specific things—that her wetsuit had not been washed with a corn-containing detergent, that her dive partners have not been eating corn chips. But once she’s in the water, she’s calm. Sure, scuba diving can kill if you aren’t careful (100 people die while diving in North America every day), but she can be sure there is no corn in water.

“You don't realize you're carrying around this extreme sense of alertness,” she says. “That level of hypervigilance that you have for things that you could touch or breath in is gone. You're breathing air that you know is and you know the actual oxygen content of. It's just incredibly freeing.”

from Health News And Updates https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2019/01/what-its-like-be-allergic-corn/580594/?utm_source=feed

[ionecoffman]

Is Corn the Worst Food Allergy?

When Christine Robinson was first diagnosed with a corn allergy 17 years ago, she remembers thinking, “No more popcorn, no more tacos. I can do this.”

Then she tried to put salt on her tomatoes. (Table salt has dextrose, a sugar derived from corn.) She tried drinking bottled iced tea. (It contains citric acid, which often comes from mold grown in corn-derived sugar.) She tried bottle water. (Added minerals in some brands can be processed with a corn derivative.) She ultimately gave up on supermarket meat (sprayed with lactic acid from fermented corn sugars), bagged salads (citric acid, again), fish (dipped in cornstarch or syrup before freezing), grains (cross-contaminated in processing facilities), fruits like apples and citrus (waxed with corn-derived chemicals), tomatoes (ripened with ethylene gas from corn), milk (added vitamins processed with corn derivatives). And that’s not even getting to all the processed foods made with high fructose corn syrup, modified food starch, xanthan gum, artificial flavorings, corn alcohol, maltodextrin—all of which are or contain derivatives of corn.

“It’s such an useful plant,” Robinson says of corn. “It can be made into so very, very many things that are, from my perspective, trying to kill me.”

[ Read: Drowning in corn ]

Corn allergies are relatively rare, and ones as severe as Robinson’s are rarer still. (Many people unable to eat whole corn can still tolerate more processed corn derivatives.) But to live with a corn allergy is to understand very intimately how corn is everywhere. Most of the 14.6 billions bushels of corn grown in the U.S. are not destined to be eaten on the cob. Rather, as @SwiftOnSecurity observed in a viral corn thread, the plant is a raw source of useful starches that are ubiquitous in the supply chain.

It’s not just food. Robinson told me is she is currently hoarding her favorite olive oil soap, which she had been using for 17 years but recently went out of stock everywhere. (A number of soap ingredients like glycerin can come from corn.) She’s been reading up on DIY soapmaking. A year ago, the brand of dish soap she liked was reformulated to include citric acid, so she had to give up on that, too. And navigating the hospital with a corn allergy can be particularly harrowing. Corn can lurk in the hand sanitizer (made from corn ethanol), pills (made with corn starch as filler), and IV solutions (made with dextrose). A couple years ago, she went to see a specialist for a migraine, and her doctor insisted she get an IV that contained dextrose.

“And while in the midst of a migraine I had to argue with a doctor about the fact I really could not have a dextrose IV,” she says. In the moment, she realized how absurd it was for her to be telling a world-class specialist to change her treatment.

[ Read: The allergens in natural beauty products ]

Because corn allergies are rare, doctors are often not familiar with the potential scope. Robinson says she was the first case her original doctor had ever seen in 38 years, and he didn’t know to advise her against corn derivatives. Even official sources of medical information can be confusing, telling corn-allergy patients they do not need to avoid cornstarch and high-fructose corn syrup. Misinformation abounds in the other direction, too, as corn allergies can be easy to misdiagnosis and easy to self-diagnose incorrectly. All this means that corn allergy sufferers encounter a good deal of skepticism. But Robert Wood, president of the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology and a pediatric allergist at Johns Hopkins, told me that derivatives like corn syrup can indeed cause problems for certain people.

People with corn allergies have naturally been finding each other on the Internet. A Facebook group called Corn Allergy & Intolerance (Maize, Zea Mays) now has over 8,500 members. Becca, a tech worker in Washington state, writes a fairly prominent blog called Corn Allergy Girl. (She asked I not use her last name because she is currently interviewing for new jobs and didn’t want her health status to come up with employers.) The blog collates years of Becca’s research into corn allergies as well as resources inherited from other, now-defunct corn allergy blogs.

Members of the Facebook group have also forged ties with individual farms. Once a year, says Robinson, a farmer in California sends members of the group a big box of avocados that have not been exposed to corn-derived ethylene gas or waxes. “It’s a great month when you’re trying to get through all of them,” she says. For the rest of the time, she gets most of her food from a CSA with a local farm in Pennsylvania.

Becca, who writes Corn Allergy Girl, also gets a lot of her produce from local farms. The rest she grows. She goes to a specific butcher and meat processor who will custom-process whole animals for her without using lactic acid or citric acid. She has two fridges and several freezers to store food for the winter, when fresh vegetables are less abundant. “I go all Little House on the Prairie on the weekend,” she says, “pickling things and shredding them and baking them.” She counts herself lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest, where there are many organic, local farms. It’s harder to find fresh food in many other parts of the country, and it’s much harder to do so on a budget. “Your dollars just don’t go as far as if you’re getting bunch of Chef Boyardee. It’s very cheap to eat canned, preserved food,” says Becca. She had to run GoFundMes, for example, for friends who can’t afford to buy chicken from a source they can tolerate.

The diet of someone with a severe corn allergy is in some ways the ideal diet of a certain type of foodie: fresh, local, free of preservatives and processed foods, the provenance of every ingredient intensely catalogued. It’s just not exactly by choice.

Knowing how to avoid foods with corn is one thing; knowing how to navigate social situations where danger lurks in every corner is another.

Robinson says she has two rules when eating out with friends now. First, eat beforehand. Second, order a San Pellegrino and an appetizer for the table to share, which deflects the inevitable concern from the waitstaff. “They're nice, but people really feel they can find something, and they try. You have to keep saying, ‘No, I can’t I can’t,’ and everybody feels bad.”

Cassandra Wiselka, whose five-year-old is allergic to corn, has written about the problem of Halloween. Virtually all mass-produced candy contains high-fructose corn syrup. Her son still goes trick-or-treating, but she switches out the candy he collects with corn-free alternatives: lollipops, gummy bears, and “fancy expensive chocolate that we don’t even buy for ourselves.” She makes and freezes big batches of corn-free cupcakes and pizza to bring to birthday parties. It’s hard, she says. “He still gets upset at birthday parties and things where he has to have his own special food.” They recently had to turn down a birthday party that was moved to a pizza place last minute because they didn’t have time to make safe pizza to bring.

Wiselka’s family moved from Germany to California when her son was 18 months old. He seemed to get worse after the move. It’s hard to say exactly why but Wiselka noticed that “in Germany, things are a lot less processed, foodwise. At least not processed as much with things like corn.”

The one thing Robinson told me she really misses is being able to travel without worry. She did make a trip to Hawaii recently, after much advanced planning. She picked Hawaii for the scuba diving. When she dives, she has to watch out for a few specific things—that her wetsuit had not been washed with a corn-containing detergent, that her dive partners have not been eating corn chips. But once she’s in the water, she’s calm. Sure, scuba diving can kill if you aren’t careful (100 people die while diving in North America every day), but she can be sure there is no corn in water.

“You don't realize you're carrying around this extreme sense of alertness,” she says. “That level of hypervigilance that you have for things that you could touch or breath in is gone. You're breathing air that you know is and you know the actual oxygen content of. It's just incredibly freeing.”

Article source here:The Atlantic

[unofficialzookeeper-blog]

***DISCLAIMER: ALL OF THESE TIPS ARE MY OPINIONS ABOUT WHAT IS BEST BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE, SORRY IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU***

Contrary to popular belief, people do read my blog (despite it being mostly uninteresting because it’s about my life) and a lot of readers have requested that I make an article about my bunnies. Primarily, I was going to make an article about why bunnies make great pets, but a really good friend of mine and fellow bun-mom Carolyn Allen brought up the point that rabbits are great pets only when their owners are educated and dedicated. Rabbits are not easy to take care of and should never be considered a starter pet. They are great pets because, with a lot of hard work and attention to detail, their companionship is completely worth the struggle.

So I’m going to cover a ton of information in this article, feel free to skim through and PLEASE message me if you have any questions/concerns/changes you’d like to make.

Part I: Housing

A rabbit’s living space is arguably the second most important aspect of their care (next to diet), but should be the first thing you consider when you decide that you’re interested in adopting a rabbit because if you don’t have the room for one, just straight up don’t get one.

So, what is an acceptable living space for a rabbit and what is just inhumane, cruel, and downright stupid?

For starters, if you are imagining keeping your rabbit in a wire cage, critter keeper, or any kind of store bought colorful cage with shelves- go ahead and just never have a child or pet or plant or anything alive under your care. Most habitats advertised at Petsmart, Petco, etc. are just absolute garbage and should be abolished. These are NOT suitable for animals- rabbits, guinea pigs, mice, rats, chinchillas, hamsters. NO. DO NOT DO IT. THEY ARE MADE FOR HUMAN CONVENIENCE, NOT ANIMAL SATISFACTION.

So, what, your rabbit gets his own walk in closet and sleeps in your bed with you? Also not the case. 

Can I keep my rabbit outside? I know that a lot of people do keep their rabbits outside in hutches/pens/grassy areas. Should you take your rabbit outside? Sure, your rabbit might enjoy himself. Should your rabbit live outside 24/7? No. Rabbits are very sensitive to hot climates and can even freeze to death outside in extreme temperatures.

Would you leave your dog outside 24/7, or your cat? No, and if you do, you’re arguably a terrible person, regardless if your dog/cat “loves the outside!!”, and you should allow your pet access to the indoors at all times. Rabbits are indoor pets and, although they can be taken outside to roam and play, you should provide proper accommodations for them in the comfort of your own home. Have an outdoor hutch/pen and want to let your rabbits enjoy the cool morning while you supervise with your cup of coffee? Yes, lovely. Just make sure you bring them back inside with you.

The absolute SMALLEST enclosure I would recommend is a large playpen for dogs. When I first got my rabbits, I lived in a college dorm (a story for another time) and I sectioned off half of the entire room with a playpen gate for them to enjoy. I got half of the room, and they got half of the room. You don’t have to dedicate all of your space to them, and I would even say that keeping them in the playpen or exercise pen while you’re not around to supervise their bun activities is totally acceptable (assuming that you’re not leaving them in there 24/7 and you’ll be home often enough for them to run around in a room or your house for extended periods of time). 

You should bun-proof the areas that your rabbits will have access to, which means putting up cords and cables, putting fencing around wood that they might chew, and picking up any items they might ingest. 

Here’s a great article about proofing your house: http://wabbitwiki.com/wiki/Bunny-proofing

Your rabbit should get a lot of time to run around a room or an enclosed area with carpet or some sort of surface they can run on (foam floor tiles, old carpet, etc). Rabbits do not have padded feet like cats and dogs and do not have traction on hardwood floor- only giving them access to wood or tile surfaces to run on will hurt their legs and feet in the long run, although my guys love to lay on the cool tile occasionally in the kitchen.  Your rabbit will also appreciate having accessories to his enclosure. The best and cheapest stuff is the items that are made for cats (beds, tunnels, things to hide in). I give my guys a long tunnel with lots of entrances to run in and they absolutely love it. You can buy really cute toys for them to play with that will keep their teeth healthy, too! I also give them cardboard boxes with no tape or dark ink printed on to play in/chew up, and cardboard toilet paper/paper towel rolls to play with. 

Look on Pinterest and the internet for housing inspiration. At the bare minimum, your bun’s pen should room to run around in, tunnels/toys, a litter box with a hay feeder hanging above it, and a water and pellet dish. 

For my rabbits, they have my entire carpeted bedroom to run around in. I also have a custom built hutch for them that doubles as a large shelf that I keep my mirror and other items on. I just close the door when I’m not home so that the dogs won’t bother them, and when I’m home to supervise, they have free roam of the house and love to sit on the couch.

Part II: Saving Up, Adoption & Veterinary Care

Rabbits, in my opinion, can have pretty intense start up costs, but are relatively cheap and easy to maintain once they’re settled in (assuming all goes well and normal). Before getting a rabbit, make sure you find a good veterinarian that specializes in rabbit care. My buns go to the Glenway Animal Hospital in Cincinnati, OH. When I first got Henry and Moose, I spent almost $1,000 on veterinary costs. They had a pre-surgery checkup, both had their nails trimmed (which should be done monthly, usually costs about $20 per rabbit), and both were neutered, which was about $450 a piece. Getting your rabbits spayed and neutered MATTERS- even if you’re not housing your rabbit with another rabbit of the opposite sex. Fixed rabbits can live up to 13 years compared to a rabbit that is not fixed that will only live to be about 5 or 6 years, as rabbits are susceptible to a lot of reproductive issues and cancer. Hormones that rabbits have naturally that make them territorial or mean can also be flushed out by getting your rabbit fixed. For example, male rabbits will spray their urine in your house to mark their territory if they are not neutered and hump other rabbits/you to show dominance. Ever been sprayed in the face with rabbit urine? It is possibly the worst thing I have ever encountered. Fix your animals. So why would you want a pet rabbit if it’s gonna cost you $600+? Well it isn’t! Rabbits that are up for adoption in sanctuaries and rescues are usually already fixed, vet checked, and up to date on shots. That leads me into my next point, ADOPT DON’T SHOP. Check out PetFinder and local rescues that have rabbits that need homes. You will save HUNDREDS of dollars by opening your home to a rabbit that has been in the shelter instead of a rabbit from a rabbitry or breeder. 

However, there are some expenses that rescues won’t cover, and that includes supplies (food, fencing, toys, litter, litter boxes, water and food dishes, etc), so I would recommend saving up around $150+ just to be safe when you first get your rabbit because you never know how many emergency trips to Petsmart you’ll have to make for comfy fleece blankets and toys to play with. 

Part III: Research

Again, before you ADOPT your new bun, PLEASE do research outside of this article.

http://wabbitwiki.com/wiki/Getting_started_with_a_rabbit

http://wabbitwiki.com/wiki/Vegetables

http://wabbitwiki.com/wiki/Housing

http://wabbitwiki.com/wiki/Bunny-proofing

Watch YouTube videos, join Facebook groups (Rabbit Owners Community is a great Facebook group with tons of good advice), and just google your questions. You’ll learn lots of things from just watching funny videos, like when to tell if your bunny is happy. 

Fun Fact: Rabbits “sploot”, or put their hind legs behind them when they lay down, flop on the floor, and “purr” (chatter their teeth together lightly) when they’re happy. When rabbits are SUPER happy, they will jump and kick around, which is called binkying. Look up videos of binkying, you won’t be disappointed.

Part IV: Diet

So, congrats, you adopted a rabbit! He’s at your house, in your special bunny proofed area, and now you should probably feed him! Rabbits have the three main food groups:

Hay: Your bunny should be given an unlimited amount of timothy hay- and by unlimited, I mean your bun should ALWAYS have access to hay, so their little hay rack or bin should always have hay in it. Hay helps a bun’s digestive system and keeps everything processing correctly, and also helps grind their teeth down so that they don’t grow too long. Rabbits don’t possess the ability to throw up, so if something goes wrong in their digestive tract, they won’t be able to get it out and could potentially die. The best brand for any bun food/hay is 100% Oxbow. This is the only brand I use and recommend.

Pellets: I feed my buns ¼ cup each once a day of Oxbow brand timothy hay pellets. The pellets add extra vitamins and nutrients into their diet, but should be fed sparingly based on weight.

Weight (lbs)..... Amount of Pellets

1-3..... ⅛ cup

4-7..... ¼ to ⅓ cup

8-10..... ⅓ to ½ cup

10+..... ¾ cup

Veggies: Once a day buns should be given a little salad to eat. They should be given one one cup of packed greens per every two pounds of rabbit. I give my buns a handful of greens each with a small amount of shredded carrots on top, considering they are between 5-6lbs each. 

http://wabbitwiki.com/wiki/Vegetables

A bun’s diet should consist mainly of hay. However, there are some treats you can give to your rabbits occasionally, like fruit or store bought hay treats. BE AWARE, treats like fruit can be extremely high in sugar and bad for your rabbit if fed in large quantities or too often.

Let’s talk about water. In the wild, rabbits usually drink out of water bottles attached to their wire cage walls. Okay, now that you can see how stupid that sounds, why would you make your rabbit drink out of a water bottle if it’s unnatural? Give your rabbits a water dish (preferably a heavy ceramic one so they won’t flip it over for fun) and just refill it a few times a day- being a rabbit is thirsty work.

Part V: Litter box & Cleanliness

Rabbits can be pretty disgusting when they’re kept in a small cage with no choice but to stand in their own feces and urine all day in shredded paper litter- which is why we don’t keep them in small cages that double as a litter box! Rabbits can be litter box trained! If you clean your rabbit’s litter box regularly and use proper litter, rabbits don’t smell at all and are similar to cats when using the bathroom. You can use a regular cat litter box, but I would recommend this special one made for rabbits. The screen on top keeps them from digging at the litter and can be used to clean out poops much more easily. 

Pine litter is recommended by almost every single rabbit owner I know. It is literally $5-6 for a 40lb bag of litter, which lasts me about a month (I change my rabbits’ litter once every week or so, and they have 3 litter boxes). It also smells SO much better than any rabbit litter that is “made for rabbits” and lasts much longer. 

Despite being litter trained, my rabbits do have accidents occasionally, and I do find little poops in my room. So how do I keep my room from smelling awful and being disgusting?

I clean it (imagine that)! For urine, I use a urine eliminator spray on the spot after dabbing up most of the moisture with a towel. If you don’t wanna fork out that much money for pee spray, I would also recommend water + white vinegar in a spray bottle and a little baking soda on top of the stain. It smells like vinegar at first but goes away really quickly and helps with any pee smell/stain.

For cleaning up poops, I bought this life saving vacuum. I can’t imagine my life without this thing, it is seriously a huge blessing.

Part VI: Personal Experience

My personal story with rabbits has fortunately been very easy. I got Henry and Moose from a really great girl who didn’t have the time to care for them anymore due to her moving on up in her career. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was, of course, making tons of impulse decisions. I never had experience with rabbits, I just said “I’ll take them” and then I was launched into parenthood. I got extremely lucky with Moose and Henry. They are the most well behaved and socialized rabbits I have ever seen. They barely chew on anything besides their toys, they are litter box trained, they can free roam with my dogs and coexist peacefully, they’re both really good eaters and aren’t picky at all, and they’re so friendly. Henry even grooms me when I sit next to him. A lot of rabbit owners don’t get as lucky as I am and will get rabbits that are timid and need extra love and attention, and that’s okay! Being a bun parent takes a lot of effort, but it is seriously worth it for all the love you’ll receive back. PLEASE message me with comments/concerns/questions/additions to this article, I love to hear from everyone and I would be more than happy to recommend rabbit adoption facilities and veterinarians!

#rabbits #rabbitcare #bun #bunnies