#everyday it’s like guess what you’re kids are still in fact chronically ill (+ have developmental disorders) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blue-eyed-bloodstains · 1 year

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1. Do you ever go back and look through all the surveys you’ve taken? Are there any answers that make you cringe, or that you’d answer differently next time around? not really, and probably wouldn’t make me cringe cause I’m always straight up honest so...

2. What is something most everyday people don’t know or wouldn’t be able to guess about you? I went through DFS (Child Protective Services in NJ) at 12 years old and had to live with a next door neighbor for 6 months due to bad domestic violence between my parents while I was there and they were both arrested...

3. If you could have someone make you breakfast every morning, what kinds of things would you want them to make? Biscuits and gravy, bacon, hash browns smothered and covered, coffee

4. Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? What made it so terrifying? hmm aside from home? I haven’t really been anywhere abandoned or haunted...I’d love to go!

5. Did you celebrate Easter? Are there any holidays you are more inclined to celebrate than others? If so, which? kinda I mean I don’t do anything really, used to do baskets and egg hunts and egg coloring obviously as a kid but now it’s just another day. I try to still get chocolate though lol. I celebrate pretty much any main holiday, just don’t go all out...more just try to deal and get through the family get togethers during em...holidays are pretty much ruined for me from years of them being drama and hell, and now that I can’t even drink it’s even worse..

6. If you’re on the internet, what are you most likely to be doing? Tumblr, FB, Youtube, googling something I need to look up, music

7. When was the last time you experienced a pleasant surprise? can’t remember right now cause it’s been hell breaking loose for months now...

8. What were your favorite parts of the previous week? Do you have any plans for this week? nothing really, it’s been shit...and yep I’ve got a major appointment at the cancer institute regarding setting up a major surgery on the 23rd so yeah...

9. What was the last thing you deleted? snapshots

10. What colors make up the majority of your wardrobe? Is there any color you like, but don’t wear often? black, earth tones, blue especially jeans...I can’t stand anything yellow so I never wear it

11. When was the last time you were in any amount of pain? past few days being violently sick cause of a bad chronic illness I have...chest was on fire, stomach burning, gagging real bad, neuropathy in my feet going insane, heart pounding out of my damn chest...

12. Do you have any unusual habits or preferences when it comes to food? not much I’m really not picky with food

13. Tell a fact about the last person you spoke to? she’s a manipulative, abusive, controlling, violent, vindictive bitch.

14. What is something you tend to carry with you everywhere? phone

15. What was the last thing you completed? surveys obviously

16. Do you take pictures often? What are the main subjects of your photography? not often really but...selfies, my cat, fiance

17. Post a picture of one of your favorite memories and tell the story behind it? nope not going there right now.

18. If you’re reading a book, how close are you to finishing it? Do you have any idea what you’ll read next? I need to get back into reading so bad...I’m either gonna be rereading the Harry Potter books now that I finally got the full box set again (lost em years ago in a hurricane, fiance got em for me Xmas), or Tom Felton’s book which is basically the same thing lol it’s his autobiography about growing up playing Draco among other things

19. Is there anything you’ve been more optimistic about lately? NOPE.

20. What does the sky look like right now? it’s real sunny, not sure if there’s any clouds I’ll see it in about an hour when my food gets delivered

21. What was the last thing you snacked on? chicken noodle soup and chips from Panera

22. Do you prefer fruits or vegetables? both

23. When was the last time you had to ask for help? What about the last time someone asked you? the beginning of the month when my card expired so while waiting to get a new one, I had my fiance let me use his. as for someone asking me? hmm...not sure right now

24. Where was the last place you went? How long will it be until you leave the house again? Wawa for smokes, which I lucked out given my license expired and they didn’t card me..I’m leaving on the 23rd for an appt

25. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed inside? How about outside? haha seriously? I’m ALWAYS FUCKING INSIDE...longest outside? I’d say Camp Redcloud back in 5th grade..I think it was like near a week, give or take, it was a school trip

26. Who was the last person to hug you? Do you hug this person often? fiance, barely given his job always sending him away... :(

27. What are you most likely to argue or debate about? mental illness or medical illness and what it does to you that no one ever gets cause it’s not them.

28. What was the last show you watched? Have you seen it before, or is it something you’re watching for the first time? I have ID on in the background and yeah it’s repeats right now. it’s all crime shows and docs.

29. How would you describe your taste in clothing? What would a dream outfit look like to you? casual and comfy. I’m a tomboy so gimme a pair of jeans and a tee and I’m good. oh and a hoodie too for sure.

30. How has your day been so far? don’t....

#survey #bored #random #about me

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mahvaladara · 3 years

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Can I have all for Apollo? (the 40 ask ^^) and if you want too, Anika too 😘

I went in game just to take this picture. Spoilers bellow, be warned.

For Anika and Apollo

1. How does your character sleep? Peacefully, fitfully? What position do they sleep in? What is their typical bedding like?

Apollo:

Mostly dreamless. He has insomnia, and has a hard time getting to sleep, he tends to check on his brother often, as their rooms are side by side, he can hear when Arlo is having a particularly bad night and that interferes with his sleep. When he dreams it’s nightmares. His bedding is blue, obviously, fluffy and cool.

Anika:

She’s a heavy sleeper and goes to sleep quickly. She has a lot of blankets and is a blanket hoarder, she’s also a little spoon. Since her mother passed away she has a lot easier time sleeping, I guess her worries have evaporated, even if she feels someone else’s worries now.

2. Does your oc have dreams or nightmares? What are they like? Is there a recurring one?

Apollo:

His nightmares often involve a much worse outcome of the “accident”, usually it ends with Arlo’s death. Though Arlo’s survival was not without it’s consequences, in his nightmares they always fail to save him, and he often dies. Another variant of the dream has Arlo surviving and killing Apollo, telling him all those painful words they throw at one another like jabs and jokes despite the fact that they really can’t stand eachother.

Anika:

Her nightmares are actually strange. Though this has never happened to her, she often has nightmares of being chased and raped. She hasn’t told her father, nor Apollo about it. She has these types of dreams because she fears being manipulated and controled once more, like she has been in the past.

3. How easy to annoy is your oc? Do they have common pet-peeves or are they stoic in response to everything? What is their reaction if the source doesn’t stop?

Apollo:

As a kid, Apollo was pretty easy to annoy, currently he has a lot more patience. He’s a smart kid, so his biggest annoyance is flat out stupidity. people who try to debunk scientific facts like anti-vaxxers and flat-earthers and supernatural deniers will have him fuming.

Arlo also annoyed him, he used to believe Arlo was an asshole, a racist and a stupid idiot. But kids grow up. Arlo still annoys him, but because he doesn’t want to keep living.

Anika:

She’s pretty hard to annoy, but a pet peeve of her would be chewing with your mouth open. Like, close your mouth, you gross pig, no one needs to know what the fuck you’re digesting.

4. How does your oc view housework? Do they absolutely hate it? Do they enjoy having their surroundings neat and tidy or do they not notice?

Anika:

She enjoys having her surroundings clean and tidy, but she has had and does have a maid who cleans up her house everyday. But she does well in Domestic Economics and is not the type to try and shoehorn her duties when it’s her class’s week to clean their floor.

Apollo:

He likes organization and tidyness, so he cleans up pretty well and is comfortable with doing chores. Arlo annoys him on this, as Arlo barely ever cleans up after himself, he usually yells at Arlo over it, but then he feels guilty as he knows why Arlo is like this.

5.Your oc has to make something for an art exhibition. What would they make? How terrible is it? Would they enjoy making it?

Apollo:

He’s go for a more scientific exhibihit. Probably do something related with stars and the solar system. He’d actually be pretty good at it, Apollo is a bit of a natural genius and is usually “good at everything”.

Anika:

An acrilyc painting, stylized art. She likes painting women, usually black women, and especially faces, spcifically stylesed with a french animation touch to it, like if DC met japanese manga. She’s not amazing at it, not as good as her own mother who was a great artist, but she’s pretty good.

6. What is your oc’s vocabulary like? Does it match the way they talk? How would you describe their speech?

Apollo:

He does not swear unless extreme emotions are at hand. As a kid he used to curse, but as a teen he doesn’t feel the need to.

Anika:

Proper, but this time associated with her education and status. She tends to look the way she talks and her vocabulary is posh and very proper. She’s as “british” as you get when it comes to her speech.

7. How would you describe your oc’s voice? Do they have an accent? Do you have any voice claims for them?

Apollo and Arlo (Bonus):

For this one I have to compare Apollo to Arlo. Apollo’s voice is very sweet, calm and mellowed. He tends to speak more mature and it shows in his voice. As a kid he had a high pitch, tended to sound like a little girl, but when he hit puberty, he hit pubery. His voice is like the VA Aranas, from Skyrim’s interesting NPCs. He speaks much like Valgus if Valgus was more temperamental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-3Jo_zoiJs

Arlo as a kid had the same voice as Apollo, but tended to talk brasher which made his voice even more annoying and high pitched. After his accident, when puberty hit, his voice became much more raspier and deeper than Apollo’s. He doesn’t speak much so he has a “smoker’s voice”. Arlo sounds like Fenris from Dragon Age: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXKcBAwSpzo

Anika:

Her voice is very open and clear. She tends to slurr her words, which makes Arlo refer to her as “mouthbreather”. She kinda sounds like Gal Gadot if she spoke like Kristen Stewart.

8. Is your oc more likely to follow instructions exactly, throw them out and figure it out on their own, or make it all up? What are the results like?

Apollo:

Apollo always follows the instructions to the word, and usually it turns out exactly as instructed. If the instructions are wrong, it’ll turn out wrong too. He’s pretty good at it though, and you can bet he’ll put an IKEA shelf together.

Anika:

Anika is a bit 50/50. She mixes a bit of instructions with instinct. Usually she gets off pretty well.

9. Is your oc afraid of touch or do they actively seek it out? Is there a reason for this? What are the exceptions?

Apollo:

He’s pretty positive to touch, and actually seeks it. The person he most enjoys touching and being touched by is, without a doubt is Anika. It’s more than sharing a heart, they are just compatible.

Anika:

Anika is a bit more privy to touch. Her parents were never particularly affectionate with her, and she is ticklish. The exception is Apollo and her mother, when she was alive. She enjoys Apollo’s touch, and she enjoys touching him.

10. How is your oc about medical care? Do they avoid any form of healthcare that they can, do they seek it out over every little scrape? Do they treat their injuries/illness all by themselves?

Apollo:

Apollo does seek doctors, he actually wishes to study to become a doctor. It’s an objective of his, so he is a strong supporter of the healthcare system.

Anika:

She hates hospitals as much as the next person who has had a chronically and terminally ill family member. But if she’s really hurt and can’t fix it herself with magic, she does go to doctors.

11. How competitive is your oc? Is every little task something that they can win, or are they just in competitions for the fun of it? Is there anyone they’re most competitive with?

Apollo:

He is very competitive, and he is competitive with everyone, especially Arlo, though these days Arlo proves little of a challenge. Apollo is very skilled, and he works very hard to be so, he’s a natural born genius, and he’s also very responsible and determined, which helps. He always has to win and when he doesn’t, it upsets him. He’s bad dealing with frustration, something Arlo beats him to. The only two things he looses at are being the oldest, Arlo is older than him by two minutes, and magic. In raw power, Arlo can wipe the floor with Apollo’s arse.

Anika:

Anika has never been competitive. As an only child she’s never had reasons to be best at anything as she was the only one. As long as she worked hard and had good grades, all was good with her parents, So, most competitions are for the fun of it.

12. How skilled at lying is your oc? How frequently do they lie? For what reason? What situations would be the exception?

Apollo:

He is a terrible liar. He couldn’t lie for the life of him, so he usually doesn’t. He’s pretty honest with everything, and only lies when trying to protect someone.

Anika:

She’s a good liar, so and so. She couldn’t trick a skilled detective, but she’s good enough at lies to get herself off the hook and get her way.

13 . What is your oc’s immune system like? Are they invincible to illness, or are they compromised completely from the slightest of dirt?

Apollo:

Pretty good. Apollo, like his father, is immune to most illnesses, virus basically brush through him like the flu, though he does get sick on occasion. He however is blind as a bat, and without contacts or glasses all he sees are blotches of colour.

Anika:

She has always had a tough immune system. Probably because she has spent a lot of time in hospitals with her mom, she’s caught all type of bugs, and these days is pretty tough to most of them.

14. Does your oc do anything “just for the aesthetic”? Or are they completely practical in everything?

Apollo:

He wears contacts just for the aesthetic, but also because as he plays football, it’s safer if he uses contacts instead of his glasses. His glasses would be much more practical though, as his contacts don’t have the strength he needs, and they don’t have the colour correction his glasses do for his color blindness.

Anika:

That nose ring, anything that makes her look “witchy”. And she does wear box braids just for the aesthetic.

15. If you had to choose a single object to act as a symbol for your oc, what would it be? Why?

Apollo:

A stetoscope. He’s a doctor, a magical doctor but still a doctor. Though he dreams to be a doctor and prefers to aid and heal those around him.

Anika:

A star wand. She’s a spellcaster, one who enjoys using her magic to grant wishes, both her own and those of those around her.

16. If your oc could only eat one thing for the rest of their life (while miraculously not suffering from malnutrition), what would it be? Does this match their favourite food?

Apollo:

Pizza. It’s his favourite food.

Anika:

Ice-cream. Though not her favourite food, the amount of flavors and ways you can eat ice-cream pleases her.

17. How prepared is your oc? Ready for the worst no matter what, or completely lost in every situation? Would they have a medkit when it was needed? Would they have an umbrella if it rains?

Apollo:

Super prepared. Now more than ever. He’s always ready for the very worse situation. That’s why he’s the “mom” friend.

Anika:

50/50. She usually gets ready for a bad outcome, but she’s not the type to walk around with an umbrella if the weather forecast said it would be sunny.

18. How charitable is your oc? Or are they more stingy with their resources and money?

Apollo:

Apollo is stingy. He does give away things if he really doesn’t need them anymore, and he’s usually careful so when he gives something away it’s practically new, but giving money is a no.

Anika:

She is charitable, but much like Apollo, she’s more into giving away needed goods like food, meds and clothes, and not so much money. In the middle of a crisys you’d see her volunteering and giving away tons of food and first need goods, but don’t expect her to donate money anytime soon, even if it’s for a cause she believes in.

19. If someone was describing your oc to someone who had never met them, what distinguishing features would they mention? How would one identify your oc in a crowd?

Anika: Apollo is that tall black haired with sharp green eyes. He is will be wearing blue, he always does. He might be wearing glasses if he’s out of contacts. He stands out, tall like a pole.

Apollo: Black girl, black hair, sometimes braids her curls, has the most beautiful black eyes you have ever seen. Always wears yellow or violet. Loves highwaisted everything. She’s always wearing these star earrings, impossible not to spot her in a crowd. Her eyes are like the core of a star, they’re beautiful.

19. Does your oc have any pleasure that embarrasses them so they keep it secret? Or are they open about all the things they enjoy?

Apollo:

Yoga. He does yoga, in leggings. He won’t admit he likes it, and if you ask he’ll deny it. But he likes yoga.

Anika:

Three words. Rainbow, Unicorn, Onesie. It’s fluffy, it’s colourful, she loves it, but won’t be caught dead wearing it publically and if you ever catch her, she’ll deny it.

20. What is your oc’s stamina like? Would they be able to run a marathon, or not run at all? What about walking/another physical activity? How are they with exercise in general?

Apollo:

Has energy to spare. Plays in the school football team, plays basket and jogs regularly. He could run a marathon and has great grades at Gym class.

Anika:

A-okay. She likes football, could probably score well at the mile. Not a marathon fan and doesn’t like running, but does well enough at exercise.

21. How long can your oc stay focused on one task before they get bored? Do they constantly have to switch things up or do they hyperfocus? What sort of things is it the opposite for?

Apollo:

Apollo can focus pretty well at tasks. He doesn’t hyperfocus and sometimes needs to switch things up a bit so he doesn’t bore, but can focus pretty well at the task at hand. Unlike Arlo, he has no attention span issues.

Anika:

She can stay focused at anything related with magic and art, usually hiperfocuses at easal as it’s her go to stuff. Movies and television bores her and she can’t watch a movie all the way to the end, same with books. Though she enjoys reading, it’s very hard for a story to hold her longer than a few chapters.

22. What is the most annoying sound to your oc? What’s the most pleasant? Is there any reason?

Apollo:

Dogs barking. Like his father and brother, he is not a dog fan, so he hates the sound of dogs barking or howling.

He finds the sound of birds very soothing.

Anika:

The sound of someone chewing drives her up a wall. She hates it.

Much like Apollo she enjoys the sound of birds and leaves rustling.

23. What smells bring back specific memories to your oc? What are those memories like?

Apollo:

The scent of earth and plants always remind him off his dad and their garden. Flowers too.

The scent of blood and flesh reminds him of the accident.

Anika:

The scent of lavender reminds her of her mother, the same with the scent of antiseptic. The later more specifically reminds her of her mother’s illness.

24. How jumpy or easily spooked is your oc? Do they have a fight or flight reflex to being startled, or are they never startled at all?

Apollo:

He isn’t easy to spook, but hearing people yelling puts him on high alert. A yell would activate his fight or flight/heal or kill response. But again, he’s very alert, so he isn’t easy to startle. Mom friend.

Anika:

Also not particularly easy to startle. You can’t exactly spook her with silly things. But lightening and fire do startle her and scare her, especially after the accident, as lightning and fire are Arlo’s main magical elements. If she gets scared her fight and flight reflex is very present and her first reaction is to run and then fight.

25. How polite is your oc? Do they do everything with the utmost courtesy, or do they completely refuse to say please and thank you?

Apollo:

He’s pretty polite. He doesn’t do everything with the utmost courtesy, but he does have his manners. At first contact he is always polite, but if you behave rudely towards him, he’ll answer in the same coin, though he rarely swears.

Anika:

Anika is always polite and proper. She doesn’t easily bend to insults, she is used to them, so she always answers with courtesy. She finds proper ways of making things clear to those being complete assholes.

26. How flexible is your oc? Can they touch their toes or do they have trouble just sitting down because of how stiff they are?

Apollo: Very flexible. He does yoga to calm himself, as he is terrible at dealing with frustration and he has a bad temper. So he can bend pretty well anywhere.

Anika: She is also quite flexible. As a young girl, she used to do ballet before her mother got sick and as she enjoys sports, she never really lost that flexibility.

27. What is your oc’s typical walking like? Do they speed-walk everywhere, do they take quick short steps or long paces? On their tiptoe, the sides or heels of their feet? How loud are their footsteps?

Apollo: Long quick steps. He’s tall so he does take very long steps, but he also is loud. He has heavy and loud footsteps, as if he’s always in a hurry.

Anika: Her steps are shorter, but also loud and quick.

28. If your oc was in a video game, what would their idle animation be? (When the player stays still for too long, the animation that plays.)

Apollo: He’d be shifting weight between his heels and he’d be crossing his arms and looking around annoyed that he’s standing around doing nothing.

Anika: She’d be putting her hand on her waist and shifting weight, checking her nails and hand back to waist.

29. What topics does your oc know the most about? Are these obvious or would these be surprising to others?

Apollo: This one a bit unfair because Apollo is a natural born genius and that boy knows a bit of everything. It’s annoying at times.

Anika: She knows a lot about magic and art. She even knows more about magic and art than most people you know. It’s actually debated rather or not she should become a sage, for all her skill and ability.

30. What time of day is your oc most awake? What about most tired? Do they get up at the same time every morning without need of an alarm, or is their sleep schedule all over the place?

Apollo: He’s pretty much a morning person and always gets up at 7 am straight regardless of tiredness degree.

Anika: She’s more of a night-owl and likes to laze in bed in the morning. She’s the type to wake up and spend at least 15 minutes in bed awake getting mentally ready to get up.

31. What five ingredients would you throw into a cauldron to make a potion based on your oc? How would you cook/mix them? What would the potion do?

Apollo: Batteries, gray cat, an Oxford compedium of medecine, a beaker, a football.

Anika: A unicorn, a magic wand, a fantasy book, balett shoes, an easal.

32. Describe your oc’s favourite environment. Urban or rural? Wild or controlled? What’s the climate like?

Apollo: He likes cities. Large cities full of people, the noise of cars and sirens in the background and the sound of people talking. He loves libraries as much as he loves stadiums, this is why he loves cities, because you have a bit of everything.

Anika: She has lived on the countryside her whole life, so that’s what she is used to. She enjoys the quiet and the fresh air,

33. What would someone blackmail your oc with? Would they be successful in getting what they wanted?

Apollo: His siblings and Anika. You could blackmail Apollo with things related with the wellbeing of Arlo, Syra or Anika and he’d do whatever you wanted. But that’s pretty much it. It’s hard to find other dirt on Apollo as he tends to be a “model” citizen and he’s too smart to let trail when he isn’t.

But with the wellbeing of his family, you’d be garanteed to get your way.

Anika: Once her mother and it was used to get their way. Currently depends, threatening her with Apollo could get your way, also threatening to reveal to her father what she and Apollo truly did that got her mother killed and nearly killed Arlo would also get your way, thankfully only three people know the truth, and that’s her, Apollo and Arlo and they’d rather keep that skeleton burried.

34. How easily does your oc get attached to things? Does everything have a sentimental value to them, or do they see nothing as more valuable than its practical use? What about with people/animals?

Anika:

She doesn’t get attached to things. She has always been pretty well off in life, so material goods is not something she ever struggled with. The only objects she’s very attached to are her nose piercing, Apollo gifted her, and her easal that used to belong to her mother.

As for people, Anika is very attached to the people she considers important, same with animals. She doesn’t like loosing people and has a certain dificulty with loss.

Apollo:

Apollo is stingy, so of course he is attached to objects. With him, any object he aquires must last as long as it’s decribed in it’s run time. He doesn’t like sharing and holds everything he owns as valuable.

As for people and animals. Apollo is less attached to people, he can shut people off his life with an extreme ease. Despite being very popular and loved by his class , his true friends are reduced. Despite feeling an extreme devotion and brotherly love for Arlo, Apollo doesn’t actually consider Arlo his friend.

35. How stubborn is your oc? Are they easily convinced of the opposite opinion, do they not agree but let it happen anyways? Or do they cause conflicts with their inability to budge in their decisions?

Apollo:

A natural born genius and leader, so he is often right on what he says as right. If you’re denying facts he will not step down from his opinion or his decision if he is sure he is right. But as a genius he actually can be quite reasonable and accept opposing positions as long as they make sense.

Anika:

Not stubborn at all. She likes to hear all points of a decision or opinion and will respect opposing positions. When coming to decisions, she usually prefers to make informed decisions, so she often waits until she has all sides of the coin known.

36. How much has your oc traveled? Why is this? Would they like to travel more? Or are they perfectly fine with staying home?

Apollo:

Not particularly well traveled. He has traveled to a parallel universe, but he’s been bound to a specific locations of this universe. Outside from this, only a student outing to Granite Falls.

He’d like to travel more. He wants to visit Mt Komorebi when he’s financially stable.

Anika:

Quite well traveled as a kid. Went to Oasis Springs, Del Sol Valley, Sulani and even mt Komerobi.

She likes traveling, but she’s perfectly fine staying at home.

37. What signs tell that your oc is nervous? Do they fidget, is it in their expression or the way they say things? Or are they very skilled at hiding it?

Apollo: It’s easy to see when he gets nervous, as his temper flares. He usually starts talking louder as if to get heard and he frowns profusely if nervous. He also fidgets his feet around and nervous taps. It’s clear in his expression.

Anika: When nervous she pulls on her lower lip repeatedly.

38. How superstitious your oc? Do they end up following them ‘just in case’? Or are superstitions incredibly important to your oc? What are some that they believe? What about the ones they don’t?

Apollo: Is not supersticious at all. His scientific and magical knowledge is too great for him to actually believe in supersticions. One supersticion he has however is that after 2:30 am nothing good happens. So because of this supersticion, when he’s on a night out, he usually returns home around 2, 2:30, but never stays past it.

Anika: Anika does believe in some supersticions. Namely the friday the thirteenth being a day of renewal and strong magic. 2020 being an unlucky number and black cats being the best familiars.

39. Are there any habits your oc has picked up from people around them? Do they know where they’re from? Does your oc try to stop themselves from doing it?

Apollo: He has picked Anika’s way of speach and expressions. He doesn’t stop himself from doing it.

Anika: She hasn’t really picked any habit from anyone. She’s pretty much her own self.

#izayoichan #apollo #anika #finally #this took me forever to do

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makeroomforthejolyghost · 4 years

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ok well i originally drafted this while thinking about this post, but it’s relevant to what i wanted to say about (my tags on) this one too so i’ll just post it now, how ‘bout that.

i mean, Getting Used to It (and thus expanding your definition of “i’m fine”) isn’t always as dramatic as your brain completely turning off its pain response to an event, so that you don’t realize you’ve injured yourself until some other clue tips you off. that’s certainly happened to me? (and w/ smaller injuries it happens to healthy people too, as when you cut yourself on paper without noticing, and it doesn’t start to hurt until you see it bleed.) but the more everyday/pedestrian forms of this phenomenon are, like. that the level of pain i rated as an 8 in 2016 now reads to me as, like, 5. and that when you’re depressed (or at least when i am), pain goes up but interest in that pain goes down, because of depression’s tendency to normalize negative stimuli.

i think these are two manifestations of the same thing: your brain removes fear from the equation, and since fear makes pain more intense, most pain experienced in fear’s absence seems like no big deal. and that goes double for painful stimuli you once associated with fear but no longer do? in a sorta feedback-loopy way. or at least it does for me. less fear-->less pain-->even less fear the next time something similar happens.

if i sit in nearly any given position too long, one or more of the joints in my legs will sometimes... well, i think subluxate is technically the right word?* but it’s not like a sudden pop: it’s like, as the muscles around them relax my joints slowly slide out of place. as you can imagine (given the low bar required to achieve it), this happens A Lot; i don’t keep track, but probably once a day on average? i know it’s not every day, but also that some days it happens many times, and that both these latter and the days when it doesn’t happen at all often strike me as a change from the norm. so, yeah, probably a mean of once per day. but until sometime in 2019, it used to freak me out—a lot—every time.

it’s often one of those above-mentioned doesn’t hurt until you notice for other reasons scenarios, too, like the paper cut. so i’d be like innocently sitting there, then look down or attempt to adjust position and suddenly OH GOD MY LEG(S). and every time it happened i’d think, “oh god, is this the time i really and truly get stuck and have to be scooped out of this position on a stretcher. fuck, please, no, that would be so humiliating, there’s no way the paramedics would believe me, strangers must not see me like this,” &c., and the more determined i got to prove to myself that i could move, that i wasn’t stuck, that i could get myself out of this, the more horrifically painful these attempts became—partly because fear of pain leads to greater pain, and partly because when you’re panicky you don’t tend to move with much patience or care.

but, of course, every time i would eventually get out of it. it’s hard to say how long it took, because, again, i never timed it, and also because time does weird shit when you’re freaking out. (plus i have adhd, so my estimates of how long things take aren’t the greatest to begin with.) i want to say though that the longest i ever took unpretzeling myself in this way was an hour and a half—and i usually took way less time than that. (it’s hard also to estimate because these days exceeding ten minutes marks an especially long battle of this kind.) iirc, the ~90-minute incident was like, my right hip already felt not quite right, and someone on the internet recommended W-sitting as a way to reduce a subluxed hip, and i tried it because i either didn’t know at that time or had forgotten that when i W-sit for more than a few seconds i often misplace several toes, up to two joints per knee, maybe an ankle, and/or at least one hip. some of these will reduce themselves automatically as soon as i move; others i can only move passively until after i’ve reduced them. so like, that endeavor was a fucking jigsaw puzzle, and good luck figuring those out when a. every wrong move doubles the pain and panic you’re in, but b. leaving the puzzle unfinished is also agonizing. most of the time it was not that bad.

…what was my point? oh yeah: this sat-wrong-now-my-leg’s-stuck business still happens a lot, and it’s n o t like sitting on a pen, where your brain eventually gives up on signaling your discomfort.** nor like when you’re running on adrenaline and your brain doesn’t bother to tell you you’re hungry. nor like what tumblr user bibliosphere described, where her brain evidently just… prioritized other tasks over the “hey please fix this leg” alarm that pain would have signified. but incidents like this do, literally, hurt less the tenth time they happen than they do the first time, and it’s not because your body Toughens Up or whatever either (that only works w/ exercise-related muscle pain); it’s because your brain learns that this event does not pose imminent danger. a subluxation you know how to reduce will hurt less than one you don’t.

that’s what the “i’m always subluxing” version of the hulk meme means. most chronically ill people describe this whole phenomenon as more like the argument from “shot in the knee theory.” as like, you stop screaming because you learn screaming doesn’t help. and i mean… yeah? but ime it’s more that you stop screaming*** when you learn what does help. the OP in that post asks rhetorically,

Are you going to scream and cry the entire time, or are you going to come to grips with reality and accept the fact that freaking out isn’t going to make the ambulance come any faster?

and jesus christ, OP, are you kidding? in real life? definitely the first one! if you literally got shot in the knee, you wouldn’t just scream because it hurt—you would scream also because holy shit, am i gonna die of blood loss? why did they shoot me? are they going to shoot me again??? and pain you’ve had for years, or an injury you’ve sustained many times before, is nothing like that. if it scares you at all, the content of your fear is more like, oh, crap. what’s this gonna feel like tomorrow. will i have to cancel my plans again?

*n.b. i’ve never had this confirmed by a doctor. i just assume that’s what’s happening because 1. the sensations’ non-pain components are very similar to what the subluxations i have had confirmed feel like; 2. if it’s a joint i can see from my position (e.g., the ankle pressed against the floor when criss-cross-applesauced), it usually looks a little fucked up; and 3. it behaves quite differently from regular stiffness, joints in this scenario feeling not so much too tight to move properly as like i keep aiming for and missing the lever that moves them. (and each failed attempt HURTS like my soft tissues are pumpkin guts and my bones are knives trying to scoop them out.)

**i’ve never actually tried this experiment, though, and i’ve heard it doesn’t work on some autistic people. hopefully this goes without saying lmao but my sensory perceptions are Weird in General, so, any hypotheses i build upon them should be salted liberally

***well, whimpering, anyway. for me at least, if i literally scream at an injury it’s not from the pain, it’s from the surprise. i’m more likely to scream when i stub my toe than when i try to bite and my jaw crunches sideways, because the latter is a possibility i sign up for every time i put food in my mouth, whereas like. ob…viously you wouldn’t have stubbed your toe if you’d already known the object you accidentally kicked was there. (except i guess in movies when people kick objects to express rage, forgetting that this will hurt them. in that case i suppose they scream partly from surprise and partly because negative stimuli encountered in “fight” mode reinforce preexisting anger. wow i digress lmao sorry.) but reactions like whimpering, clenching your teeth, &c. only partly come from surprise; they’re also stims, i think, tho clearly not ones unique to ND people. the woman who pierced my ears when i was a kid told me to focus on tapping first one foot and then the other, so i wouldn’t shrink away. i think it’s kinda like that: it releases nervous energy, gives you a competing stimulus to focus on.

#existential fart chart #screalth tag #icee straw kazoo

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gllghrfic · 6 years

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Way Down We Go II.

Summary: Lip Gallagher has made a lot of mistakes these past few years and almost all of them had been while drunk. Now he’s got a new sponsor after a particularly harsh relapse and is looking for a fresh start. But everyone has their pitfalls and working in a garage of recovering addicts has its perks- and its pitfalls. Maybe this will be easier and maybe Lip will have to be put through the ringer once again only this time- he’ll have to do it sober. SPOILERS FOR s8. Canon divergent.

Part One.

Lip looked at his phone while filling out the paperwork in the back of the garage. Carey and JD had left him to fill everything out while they worked and talked and he had been back here for what felt like hours. Questions about insurance and health problems had him hesitating. He didn’t have insurance and his alcoholism- would that be a medical problem? If it was, hopefully it wouldn’t be considered a chronic problem.

There was a shuffle of parts and Lip looked up to see the dirty blonde woman who had shunned him when he came in. She was looking at the labels of various parts looking for the one she needed when she noticed Lip watching her. She had large blue-green eyes that reminded Lip of pictures he had seen of tropical oceans. That perfect balance of sky blue and spring green. Tapping his pen against the table, Lip wet his lips and bit his lower lip trying to remember words.

“Lip,” he said using the pen to gesture to himself. The woman made a disinterested look of understanding with a raise of her brows and poor attempt at a smile. The silence between them was impregnable and Lip had never felt at such a disadvantage with women before but it was like he was new to women entirely. He didn’t know what to say or how to even go about getting this chick’s name. “You uh- you got a name?” he asked a bit stiffly feeling the annoyance of having been so easily brushed aside like he was nothing. The woman spared him a glance and nodded before looking back at the parts and writing something down. “Okay…you gonna tell me or should I guess?” he asked and the woman rolled her eyes with a subtle shake of her head and Lip leaned back in his chair, running his hand over his mouth with a heavy frustrated sigh. “Okay uh, Sam? No. How about Julie? Tiffany? Brittany? Fucking Cher?” he asked in annoyance and that earned a soft smile as those sea colored found him. Lip smiled back and leaned forward on the table to watch her as she dropped her head back with a soft sigh of resignation. Looking back at Lip, he arched his brows curiously and nodded for her to go on and tell him.

“Tia,” she said in a soft and yet powerful voice. She was certain and confident and that just made her glow. Lip tested the name on his lips and nodded with that boyish smile that got him so many numbers in high school but didn’t do him any good in college. Except with Helene but that was a road he figured he probably shouldn’t go down. Drumming his fingers on the table, Tia noticed the paperwork in front of him and took a few steps closer to grab the papers to see what he had done and still had to do. “No insurance?” she asked while flipping through the few answers Lip had given. He shook his head with a soft, “No,” and Tia nodded absently. “JD doesn’t consider addiction as a medical problem, I only mention it cuz some of the other guys asked if their past addiction issues would count against them. I mean, some people consider it like- a mental illness or whatever but here we don’t count it so unless you have shit lungs or HIV you should be gold,” she said handing him the papers back. Taking them, Lip looked at the pages and then Tia with a softer smile and weak nod of affirmation.

“Yeah okay uh thanks.”

“You gonna stick around?” she asked suddenly earning his attention again. He had been going back to the paperwork when she sprung the question on him. Watery blues glanced behind her towards the garage before finding her standing in front of him at the other end of the table once more.

“Uh,” he started lightly flicking his pen between his fingers nervously, “Hope so.” Tia crossed her arms around the clipboard she was holding and tilted her head at him. Throwing a glance over her shoulder, Lip took a moment to admire just how strong those arms of hers looked. Jesus, he thought swallowing thickly wondering how tone her legs were but not risking the glance under the table to find out. It was summer so more girls were in tanks and short shorts. Carey wore shorts and a tank under her work shirt from what he had seen and Tia now wore a somewhat greasy white tank that had, at one point, probably been whiter and some kind of jeans but her legs vanished behind the table.

“We just lost Vince, he was a good guy. Had a kid, y’know? Hard worker, funny as fuck honestly. JD was really close to him- found him drugged outta his mind on the L almost lost his fucking leg but some hobos pulled him off the track,” she said in a cold and matter-of-fact way despite the widening of Lip’s eyes and the brief breathy, “Shit,” he let slip between his lips while she spoke. Looking at her and finding that intensity trained on him had him squirming. Her full pouted lips were anything but inviting as she stared him down. “Don’t finish that paperwork unless you’re done and I mean fuckin done, alright? JD may take your calls at two in the fuckin morning but I won’t have JD coming in for you drunk or high or whatever ass because your hungover or jonesing or whatever is your deal, I don’t care, don’t bring it in here.” Lip frowned a bit but found himself nodding slowly as she leaned forward a bit near the end to make sure he was listening. He was starting to wonder what he was getting himself into and if he was really in this much need of a distraction. Sure sobriety was hard but he wasn’t sure he was ready for everyone breathing down his neck about it everyday either. It was bad enough he had to go to AA like three times a week now this chick wants to scold him about some other junkie’s problem? “You hear me?” she asked a bit harsher and Lip gave a light start when she dropped the clipboard to the table leaning in dangerously. “JD may think you’re fine and good to go or whatever but I’ve seen five guys taken outta here drunk and high and generally fucked. Some lose fingers operating the tools and equipment while hammered, some get their ass handed to them for pushing the wrong buttons on the wrong dude, I won’t put up with a sixth you get me?”

“Jesus, fuck, yes I get it. I get it, I won’t- I won’t make your life anymore fuckin harder than it already is, princess,” Lip said exasperatedly as he leaned back away from her with an annoyed grimace. Tia looked like she had more to say, in fact, as soon as the word princess left his mouth he regretted it when a fire burned ever brighter in those large eyes. JD walked in and looked between them and Tia straightened while collecting her clipboard like she hadn’t been putting the fear of God in Lip. Lip watched her astonished as she looked at JD with a warm almost childlike smile and left. JD watched her leave and then looked at Lip who slumped visibly and sighed, “What a fuckin welcome wagon.” JD chuckled and crossed his arms as he joked,

“Gotta get you on some kinda wagon, right?” Lip spared a weak and crooked smile with a scoff of agreement before JD pulled a chair up across from him and sat to help him with the paperwork.

Part Three.

#shameless fanfic #lip gallagher fanfic #shameless imagine #lip gallagher imagine

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shmlssfanfic-blog · 6 years

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Way Down We Go II.

Part One.

“Yeah okay uh thanks.”

“Gotta get you on some kinda wagon, right?” Lip spared a weak and crooked smile with a scoff of agreement before JD pulled a chair up across from him and sat to help him with the paperwork.

Part Three.

#shameless fanfic #shameless imagine #lip gallagher imagine #lip gallagher fanfic #lip gallagher/oc

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 5 years

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Spiritual Log September 29, 2019

Subtitle: might as well be the 30th since it’s almost midnight when I started lolz also this is my entire September stuff. So this is a really, really long post

What’s in it? Well, what I did this month and how to transmute emotions. OH, and how to manage crazy energies right now.

HI everyone, I am finally back, somewhat. I guess September was a bit more manageable(?) than August, but for me, because I was also moving my stuff out from one place and moving them to another after living in there for so long, it was a mix of emotions: exhausting; scary; lotsa grief; and enlightening, to say the least. But at least I have hauled most of my stuff so I guess I am good. I just need to settle in the new place and then plan what my next move would be. Of course, as always I have to accept the fact that the universe had other plans, and fun time based on what I want right now is gonna be harder to come by.

The universe wanted me to “rest”, and by that I mean focus more on transmuting personal and family karma. So right now I have to transmute so much subtle energy garbage that I actually felt sick, exhausted, depressed, just mainly horrible 2 days after this month started. I thought it was gonna be better than August? Gahhh. Nope.

So I ended up balancing between meditating and binge-watching anime titles that only have one season. Around the 13th, the internet got cut-off so no internet, I was AFK, and also no cable so I got basically cut off for about 4 days from the net and it felt like months, no kidding. I suddenly had so many existential dilemmas left and right, I had to face my noisy thoughts for 4 days!!! I almost lost my mind then. Not that I had much to lose in the first place lol

These are among the existential crap I had to put up and ultimately caused my depression with while I started putting my things in boxes *I had nothing to do so might as well start packing lol*

Why do I have to transmute my entire lineage’s karma?

Why the fudge am I the karma bearer?

Why is my birth chart set on “extremely happy with suffering-hard core edition” mode (after seeing the birth charts of other people)

Nothing makes sense now and ever, why must I be like this?

Binge-singing songs about loneliness - and then crying with no tears

I hate being lonely but what the fudge can I do, I am not a people person (based on my human-design chart I’m an effing hermit)

Bouts of being catatonic for hours, mostly due to overwhelming feelings of anxiety due to packing and discarding stuff, and just getting too tired and lacking sleep and junk food

A whole bunch of thoughts centered on my victim mentality (I tried to kick it out by doing Kundalini yoga, it actually worked.. I had a good cry after denying it for so long)

I really, really want out, I am basically a walking blockage that has a soul

But around the middle of last week, maybe sometime after the 20th and after trying to remove blockages through the various methods I had been using, I finally felt a bit of relief. I started removing more trapped emotions from my heart wall and my body in general. I was even holding onto one of my biological mother’s trapped emotions, which she had when she was still in school. So I basically released an inherited emotion, which caused a sty in my eye. I released it and the sty went away, like what the fudge was that.

Of course, because my body likes suffering so much, I had to get one thing wrong again while I was doing Kundalini Yoga. So.. I was releasing anger and hatred because I was gonna attend a birthday party where I was expecting that many of the people who have hurt me one way or another would be present. I honestly didn’t want to get attached to the hate anymore, and just wanted to have a great time at the place, for my friends’ sake. Somehow, I did not expect that I would be maxing out my body’s spinal flexibility limits. I thought I was already over that, but I guess I pushed myself too hard again, and during that time was enjoying the fact that I was a but limber than before, so I thought I was healed somewhat. Also, I just felt so great and had no trace of anger or hate after the almost hour-long meditation (which felt like a workout, really). I thought I was gonna make it to the party without harboring hate.

Again, nope.

The next day, my chronic back pain went back. It wasn’t exactly as strong so I thought it was just a muscle spasm and massaged it out. Then I started hauling more stuff out. I must have carried so much heavy stuff but I was still able to move so I didn’t think much of it. When I woke up the next day, the shooting pains and getting zero power in my legs came back, so I ended up staying in bed the whole day. It was really a drag, I didn’t get to clean or pack things up, but honestly what made me ok with it was that at least I could use it as an excuse not to go to the party. WHich is pretty lame, yes I know, but I am also at my weakest since I was scared as shit of the old perv that might appear around me again, or I might lash out at the other two people who pretty much dented me because I had to be so stupid to let them in my life (extreme regret but can’t do anything about that now other than cut them all out). I honestly just kept thinking of excuses not to see them or be forced to interact with them but that would be awkward when you’re in a confined space. Also nobody knows what I had to go though with this bunch of people, and though I confided some of it to a good Soul Sister, the rest of the bunch won’t know, and they probably still see these three people ni high regard. Especially the old perv. Urrgh.

So... Despite the fact that I was actually looking forward to the birthday party because I could finally get out of the house and drive a long while and see some of the people I care about, especially my “adopted son” and “great-grand-daughter”, I just gave up and told the party organizer that I can’t make it due to chronic illness flare-up. Which is legit. I still thanked them for inviting me because seriously, I haven’t been back to that workplace since may and I never really went back after what, 5 months? I just used the extra time to try getting some really good rest and getting as much of my stuff transported to the new place as I could bodily can so I won’t have to do more trips. I did succeed, but by then my back pain was quite irking and I couldn’t stand up without pain or sit up so I just layed down and started thinking all that existential shit again.

Seriously it was very, very depressing at that point, but then I got guided to go check some energy readings, and lo and behold it was actually a major energetic shift due to the equinox. A whole bunch of the collective were also feeling the same shit. Lethargy. Depression. Reappearing issues. Pains and what not,. MOre dramas.

I WASN’T EFFING ALONE!!!

I guess that lifted my mood, and because I needed some even more morale boost, I went back to studing Japanese. Which, of course means listening to raw uncaptioned ASMR videos on Youtube. Them smexy voices just make me go ahhhh, ah ahh ahh--. (insert Kamisama Hajimemashita 1st Ending here lolol that song got stuck in my head but it was definitely fun) But no, seriously, I had been away from keyboard for so long (like 2 more weeks) so I decided to celebrate by watching so much junk videos on the web. I actually felt great and thankful afterwards. ZERO REGRETS.

So after all the carpload that happened for me in this month of September, what the heck did I learn after all that existential stuff?

I had to transmute the karma because I am AWAKE.

I was the karma bearer so to heal my ancestral line because I actually can (through Reiki)

My birthchart was very oppressive and shitty because again, see first 2 points. Also I must heal the collective too, as a Starseed-Earthseed mix. Seriously, being a Starseed/Earthseed or Angel whatever isn’t a bragging right, it’s a freaking responsibility, like being a garbage disposal person. BAsically trash lolol not..

NOthing makes sense because again, see previous points. Especially the one before this.

I was basically wounded with loneliness and separation/isolation, and it was something I had to face and be ok with. I am stil not ok with it, but I am doing my best to be at peace in being lonely and isolated. Not the alone part though, I love that.

I had so much stuff so I had to remove so many energies connected to those stuff, so I could discard what no longer serves. Like cord-cutting but with your hoard stash.

I just needed to sleep more, because whenever I do, I feel a bit better afterwards. PLus all my dreams get too vivid and wild.

My brain is still filled with so much subconscious garbage, so I guess I still have a long way to go in terms of flushing them all out. Now I use a lot of subliminal boosters apart from the usual subliminals.

When all else fails, just do the following Kriyas or Kundalini moves: Sat Kriya (to ease and calm down anxieties, and also to strengthen your abs lol no really), Removing Inner Anger (warning, this is the set that made my back pain come back, proceed with caution. Effective at the inner peace part. Also an effing heck of a workout. If I had a stronger back I’d do this everyday, I’ll grow abs lol), Emotional Balance Moveset (This is actually fun, and it helps me calm the fudge down. Very effective, easy to do, I highly recommend), Subagh Kriya (to invoke wealth, yeah I know right? But if all else gunks out, it can strengthen your arms and back so it’s still a good thing. I actually like this one, because you strengthen your body AND invoke the wealth of YOUR universe. Win-win!), Guru Gaitri Mantra (to be in your true power), Blockage Removal (this uses a lot of breath of fire, so if you want abs and getting high at the same time, this is the one for you lolol), Gutka Kriya (it’s really good to do when you’re really feeling low and crummy, plus you also HAVE to keep your vibes up or else lolol), Motivational Moveset (it can make you do what you think you can’t, so yeah, motivational lol), Meditation for Gratitude and receiving blessings (really easy to do, but making your brain work is another thing lol), Removing Cold Depression (I just do this whenever I feel depressed, it kinda clears my heart and head), Healing a Broken Heart (if you can bear the pain of keeping your arms up after 11 mins I doubt you could ever keep your heart broken lolol I did this for over a month way back and it was super effective. Just remember the pain of holding your arms lol), Remove Subconscious Garbage silent version (beacuse seriously it’s a problem), Last Resort Meditation (literally when you’re down on your luck and everything, it’s very grounding and keeps your wits with you), If you need to manage anxiety (seriously, this can also help, and you can build abs lolol trust me the breathing patterns are insanely challenging), Improve Frontal Lobe and Hypothalamus (yeah, I know right? but seriously, just try it) and the easiest so far, Kirtan Kriya (it’s just like you stretch your fingers to play guitar, it’s that easy). The others here are in YT, videos and stuff: Self-love and acceptance, Sat Narayan Mantra (I placed the really catchy version lol), Subconscious Garbage Removal aka Subconscious Blockage Remover (it can get quite catchy lolol), Relieve Anger Shorter version (if your back isn’t that strong. still effective though, I cry a lot whenever I do this), External Blockage Remover (even if it just brings you inner peace, I still think that’s quite effective), and of course, the very important Karma Cleansing (if you happen to be the bearer of your family and ancestral karma. This dude has a longer version on his site, I recommend buying it, that one’s wayyy longer and you’ll cry more. Also it helps lighten the load)

But that’s not all folks lolol if you’re just here for the “How to Transmute Emotions” PArt, don’t worry buddy, this bitch has got you covered. =D This is my own way of transmuting emotions because the internet doesn’t satisfy my need for more details. Seriously.

Just remember the following acronym: RAIREPEAT

R - Recognize - recognize the recurring patterns that have been causing you problems. It will help greatly if you can trace back its origins, or the first time it happened, or the most painful session it occurred. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, peeps.

A - Accept - accept that this thing actually happened to you, and be at peace with its existence.

I - Integrate - Integrate this event that happened to you and has been the root of your recurring problems. Be at peace with the fact that this event has been and will probably always be a part of you, because it changed you and made you who you are, for better or worse. Just embrace it, cry into it, surrender (to the feeling of crying because this shit happened to you). BAsically this is the part where so much crying and release of other negative moions are needed.

RE - RElease - Release any attachments to this old event, any feelings, emotions, people, just cut them out or cord-cut any remaining energies.

PEAT - rePEAT - yeah, these shitty things will come back every now and then, but the more you strongly intend to release these things, the lesser you will need to rinse and repeat,. if anything, the feelings associated will only get weaker and weaker each time you feel them until they’re basically undetectable or doesn’t trigger anything anymore. By that time, you’re well in your way to more peace.

Well, I hope this mega-post helped you in any way, or will help you in the months and years to come, because seriously, the energies will only get even crazier from here. But hey, any chance to stay level-headed and grounded is better than being anxious all the time, so might as well just do stuff to ease and heal than remain in all that drama.

I wish you well on your path of awakening. and may you find the healing you seek.

In love and hugs from Source above,

三日月

Mikazuki

#dark night of the soul #energetic shifts #based on my own experiences #how to manage energetic shifts #also how to transmute emotions #transmuting emotions #kundalini yoga #how to navigate the crazy energies right now #thought log on how to deal with energetic shifts

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kurlykayaker · 5 years

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Reflection. 4-2-19

Tonight - marks the first day, that I have ever shared some deep, deep poetry with a room full of people I do not know; I did not know one single person in that room and I arrived to the location alone, unaccompanied by a friend. (Looking back, maybe a stupid idea? Haha) It was unplanned. I was studying there and decided to “just do it.” “Fuck it, I thought. What do I have to lose?” And in some ways, in the back of my head, whenever we make some decisions, we have everything to lose. I entered that coffee shop - slightly moody, tired, and unmotivated to study; but the tones and vibes of the place always motivate me to study, to work harder - and to stay calm. I shared 3 poems total - one about the boy with Down Syndrome (on here), and two other trans related poems- both pretty intense (re: how you see me, and 11-7-2014). I was nervous and I imagine that’s something I could get past if I wanted to keep sharing my poetry at events like this. I used to get very nervous just talking to people and giving speeches, but lots of college and time has weathered me well. I guess I thought sharing my poetry would feel liberating? That somehow, the deep dark intensity of what I’ve experienced in life would melt through the Earth and turn into something more beautiful?...As indicated by the question marks, I did not feel that. I did not feel that. I stayed a bit awhile after reading, to listen to other people share. I’m a big believer in courtesy and I think leaving right after I read would an act of selfishness. Eventually, I did leave and a bucket full of feelings kind of washed over my semi-nervous being. Guilt, an awkward surge of indulgent guilt and maybe shame? For sharing such deep emotions - with power and eloquence- when most people don’t have to go through such things. I asked myself, “Why did I impose these feelings on others?” A knee-jerk reflex. (Nerve root L3-L4, Quadriceps muscle). Haha. Seriously, though. The only “safe” places for me to share such emotion is on an “anonymous” website like this, in a counselor’s office, sometimes on the phone with a family member,...and on night walks with myself and the presence of my father. I guess it is no surprise that I feel an overwhelming amount of self-indulgence about a) sharing these emotions and also b) the intensity and depth of them. There’s been a lot of beauty that has come from writing pretty much everyday, but there’s also been a lot of tenderness, vulnerability - which I can handle. Perhaps at some point, especially with trauma, we arrive to a point of pain? In physical therapy, we talk about pain so much - nociceptive pain, phantom limb, musculoskeletal, referred - and we do talk about psychosomatic pain to some degree too. Psychosomatic (which I don’t like this word usage) - possibly the hardest to “treat.” As my post yesterday was pretty heavy-dark-intense, very similar feelings of social isolation/being “alone” (in my context of the word) emanate from me tonight - sitting on my couch, short-clad, fan blowing - listening to calm music, taking some deep breaths. Have you ever cried dry tears? Tears that come, but no fluid. Since being on testosterone, this is a common thing for me. It’s hard to explain. Often times, mid-way or multiple mid-ways, I get caught up in a Netflix series. I haven’t had a moment that like in the semester. Partly, I am a) writing and working out more - (choosing more wholesome “well being” activities), but also I am b) really really enjoying my classes this semester -especially Chronic and Progressive (a neuro class) and pediatrics. Before deciding on PT school, I was between 3 professions - a) counselor b) a nurse and c) a physical therapist (in no particular order). I chose not to be a counselor, because I felt that working so closely with other people’s emotions would spark my own - in a negative aspect. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself safe emotionally and mentally. Sometimes, I think I regret not being more open to the career? It’s a mixed regret. After working in an ER for 5 years now, and seeing how *some* physicians treat nurses, I knew it wasn’t for me. Once again, maybe I could have learned to go on autopilot - some? <<I don’t think that’s possible for me.>> Haha (if you know me) Here we, are - option c. I like that my future career affords me the ability to a) use science-based techniques and principles to help someone reach their goals - some of them very visible when they reach them b) moments to offer mental and emotional support (while not the crux of my job) and c) neurologically, an avenue for recovery, compensation, and prevention (there are terms we use in my neuro class). It’s the fundamental science aspect of counseling - rehabilitating neuro patients; (Re- I firmly do believe that psychology is a science.) A physical therapist is helping their brain literally make new synaptic connections. A PT is helping a patient believe in themselves - sometimes learning a completely new way to do something. Sometimes, these goals can be met in relatively brief treatment sessions - sometimes, they takes weeks and weeks of long treatment sessions. Regardless, I’m in and I’m devoted....and that brings me such inner motivation and joy to know that this could be so rewarding for me. (Re- my second full time clinical is in an inpatient neurological setting). When I was 13 years old- the semester after my dad passed, we had to write an English paper about “how if we could go back in time, how we would change something.” It was like a creative paper based on past facts. I recall writing a paper about how I would have gone back in time, drove my parents’ car to my dad’s house, and got him to the hospital - for emergency care. I remember rereading that paper as a high schooler and being amazed that little 13 year old Jordan understood - on a fucking deep level - what suicide was and how serious it was. When I was 15 years old, I thought I wanted to study English in college. My father had a Ph.D. in theology, my mother has a Master’s in Divinity and my stepdad does as well. Smart fucking family, that loves words and God- basically. Haha. I recall despising my English sophomore teacher; she was strict, she cut the room with her strained voice and constant frown. We constantly had pop quizzes and she loved to remind us how hard it was to get a college scholarship unless we worked hard. I felt the need to impress her? Maybe? We had to write a research paper our sophomore year; it was the first “research paper” we would do in our high school career. I wanted to chose something that was interesting and meaningful to me, but at that time - I hated most science things. What did I chose? I wanted to write about Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) and their impact on teenagers who were suicidal (re: increased risk of suicide during first few months of taking). I recall my crabby uptight teacher looking at me and my topic and saying, “Are you sure you want to do this? That’s pretty heavy.” All I did was nod, and say, “Yes.” I laugh at that 15 year old kid; despite my overly shy, diffident personality, I knew what I wanted when I wanted to do it. My mother stands by the same statement. I suppose the reason this came up organically for me, is because suicide is more common than we realize. The number of patients that come into the ED with suicidal thoughts- is a lot to say the least- of all ages (as young as 9 years old and up to 80+). And, I and you, don’t have to be a mental health counselor to help someone. We don’t have to go through a Master’s / Ph.D. program and get a license to be a positive influence on someone. Forms of trauma -> Brain injuries, Spinal Cord Injuries, unexpected neurological illnesses that occur for the myriad of reasons we don’t completely understand yet. The weight, the gravity, the intensity, damn. Then, THEN - teaching them how to stand up again, how to use the toilet in a new way, how to get dressed, how to walk with these weird ass crutches (aka Loftstrands), how to not give a shit when you’re out in public (easier said than done), helping them understand what’s going on pathophysiologically without being a fucking robot.... I picture my father holding my hand and telling me to keep going... because it’s so weird to be this close to being done with PT school - 1 year left (mostly clinical) and still have moments of such emptiness. I guess I thought the feelings of “being alone” and feeling empty wouldn’t be *as bad* or perhaps less intense? .....My mother says, “it’s an ebb and a flow.” This is the one phrase I like, because having kayaked the whitewater rivers of the Earth and rafted, I identify with it so much (there’s really a literal meaning). there’s been so much ebb my kayak barely floating on this dry river, running into rock upon rock, the bank of the river is many feet worth inward, because the river and i haven’t seen rain / for so long, “flow, flow, what is flow again?”, my heart asks. flow shouldn’t have to equate to working my ass off to get an 87.5 on a neuro exam, flow - organic, raw, rooted flow in the world we call “life” should bring moments of downpour happiness, excitement, connection so much of artificial flow is motivating myself, someday hoping i can find flow outside myself #oldsoul-lostmillenial

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