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artificialqueens · 6 years

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Dragometry Circa 1979 ~ Hobnob

AN: Ive been doing very successful things in 6th form and I’m a very successful student. As such i dropped english lit and took art instead. my passion for writing left me, but came back when i was looking at my dog sleep. He looked soft and i thought if he can do it, so can i. My friend mentioned in art how she ate a shroom once, and she forgot who she was for a bit and had a panic attack. I thought that sounded wicked and I wanted to embody that in this fic. Thanks Sarah

~Hobnob

Chi Chi dipped her hands in her pockets and turned them inside out. Alas, there was no cash to be found. Only some dead flies and a used condom.

Just her luck. She had no way of paying the rent and it was due in tomorrow! She continued to walk down the streets of Camden disappointedly.

Just then her train of thought was broken by the local newsboy.

“Extra extra! Read all about it! Daily mail halfa shilling!” Little Bendela yelled in his school uniform.

Chi Chi approached him but in a non predatory way because she didn’t mess around with little kids like that.

“What’s in the news today little boy?” She asked, spitting on the floor.

“Im 26 ma'am” He answered in a cockney tone, his little red cheeks growing hot with rage.

“You’ll use no such tone with me boy!” Chi Chi said slapping the twat. “I’ll have a paper please.”

Little boy Bendelacreme sobbed and handed over the paper. Chi Chi opened it up and could barely believe what she was seeing.

“Blimey! A battle of the bands today with a cash prize of 100,000 quid!!” She exclaimed dropping into a perfect split in joy.

“Oo aye right you are mista! Down at the old theatre where all those donkeys were found!” Bendela added.

An idea formed in Chi Chi’s mind. The amount of rent she had to pay happened to be exactly 100,000 pounds conveniently enough.

“You know what? I’m going to enter!”

Ben began bursting into laughter as his little round face lit up with glee. “Oho thats a gaff if i ever did hear one! Everyone knows ur tone deaf miss Devayne, ever since you exploded that donkey.” He chuckled, wiping away a salty tear.

“Shut the fuck up.” Chi Chi said, slapping the cunt again to put him in his place. “You’ll speak when told to boy.”

“Even if you wanted to enta miss Devayne, yous need three or more band members. You know, like the Beatles and such.” Ben said whilst on the floor in agony clasping his face.

“Three or more members hm?” She said, scratching her stubble. “Fancy joining my band?”

“No can do, i gots to sell all these papers or my mum won’t let me in the house. Good luck miss.” He responded, already halfway down the street in fear of getting another beating. Silly silly little boy.

“UR MUMS A FILTHY SKETT GET BACK HERE.” Chi Chi shouted at him as he ran. It was no use. He was gone faster than Lance Armstrong on steroids.

Even Bendelacreme being a little batty crease couldn’t dampen her mood at this point. She was ready to win that battle of the bands with a total bop of a song.

She would create the next Oasis, the next Blur, the next Smashmouth.

But first she needed bandmates…

Just then she spotted Britney Spears vouging down the street looking like a complete plebb. It was better than nothing.

“Oi Britney! Yeah get over here!”

“My names Derrick” the blonde said, making her way over.

“Want to be in my band?”

“Lol Sure”

Disgusting. She was perfect. She wasn’t visibly on any heroin, and had shopping bags from tesco, so she wasn’t on benefits either.

“Sick, you’re going to play synth.”

“Like fuck i am.” Derrick said, embroiled with rage. “I was classically trained on the guitar.”

Chi Chi raised her mighty hand in slapping formation to Derrick. She needed to be taught some manners.

“YOULL PLAY syNTH WANKSTAIN.”

Derrick nodded before snatching the paper for herself. There it was. Right next to the article about the Piers Morgan donkey scandal. In big bold comic sans spelt ‘Battle of the bands.’

“Fat chance of us entering with two members.” Derrick roared.

“I’m working on it ffs get off my back.” Chi Chi screamed.

Just then she felt her tummy rumble. It was a deep and low rumble, akin to that of a barking dog, or even perhaps even a bin lorry driving by in the early hours of the morning.

Yes, Chi cHi was hungry. But she didn’t have any money. She spent her last paycheck on a lotto ticket.

“Let’s discuss this over a hearty Nando’s shall we?” she said, slapping Derrick on her manly toned back. “You’re paying.”

Derrick threw the paper to the floor. “I can’t pay. I spent all my money on Xanax and Tesco’s. All i got is a quid.”

She was right. A quid isn’t Nando’s money. Its Pick and Mix money at best. She’d just have to think of something fast.

“Lets beg like in oliver twist.” Chi Chi suggested. Derrick seemed to agree, but maybe that was because she threatened to beat her up earlier.

Just then Chi Chi set her eyes on someone walking down the street. Quick as a monkeynut with a jackhammer she made her way over to the individual and held out her hands.

“Please sir, can i ave’ some more?” Chi Chi said sadly, some eye infection goo coming out of her eyes instead of tears.

The individual looked confused for a moment, then got a ladle of porridge from her handbag and dropped it wetly into her hands.

“What the fuck it this. I didn’t want porridge did i, I wanted some money or something.”

“Oh sorry lol” the stranger offered taking back the porridge for later. “I don’t own any money at the moment. Teresa May and all.”

Chi Chi nodded agreeingly. “In that case do you want to join our band?”

The stranger nodded and sealed the deal with a wicked fistbump.

“My names Naysha Lopez. Synth extrordanair.”

“Your going to be on synth.”

“Well yes i just said-”

Chi Chi slapped her hard in the face in a fit of fury. Her word was law. She was the big dog.

“Aight we’re ready to rock. Let’s go back to my place.”

Derrick and Naysha nodded, getting into her 2003 Volkswagen that Chi Chi won in a game of chess.

The van was full of hippy shit. Fuckugly tie dye shirts, 42 vinyl albums of the Stone Roses, and a massive bong full of old weedwater.

“First we need to get our looks right.” Derrick suggested, taking out a large pair of scissors and hacking at her hair.

“And what we’re going to play.” Naysha added, beating out a mad eurobeat synth solo.

“Lads.” Chi Chi stopped them both, raising her hands. “Its not about how you look or sound.” She said sincerely, patting Derrick on the shoulder. “It’s about how much acid you take.”

She took out a small plastic bag with three tabs of acid, passing them out. They each popped the paper on their tongues and felt it dissolve.

“Alright now we’ve done that we should really figure out what we’re going to play.” Naysha said, picking the synth back up.

“How about we theme the song around the hardships of love.” Derrick said, sitting on a beanbag surrounded by her own hair.

“We-lets…lets wait like…half an hour. you’ll have better ideas.” Chi Chi added, taking a massive rip out of the dirty bong.

Half an hour later after hotboxing the camper van Chi Chi looked at her Casio sports watch.

“Oh dude the battle of the bands is in half an hour.”

“Shiit” Derrick said, her jaw hanging slack. “So what about if we came out on the stage in-in like picture this. We come out in geometrical shape costumes.”

“Yeah like Dragometry.” Naysha added, unable to move her head.

“Oh yeah meta..” Derrick nodded, writing it down, except the pen she was using was a cheese string and there was no paper.

“I have some old Capri Sun multi pack boxes in the back, let’s go out completely naked covered in those.” Chi Chi said, snapping her fingers.

Everyone clapped for the sheer excellence of that very notion. Around ten minutes later they were all naked and covered in Capri Sun boxes.

“Oh man.” Derrick said poking Nayshas body that was now unconscious on the floor. “Nayshas passed out and the battle of the bands is in like 20 minutes.”

“Yeah just like…” Chi Chi rubbed her finger over Derricks mouth in a shushing motion. “Just like i saw in um…nature shows, you pour water in their mouths and they’re fine…so…”

Derrick nodded taking a half empty Capri Sun and pouring it into Nayshas mouth. It began to bubble as Naysha hacked and coughed it out.

“Aaah there she is. Party animal.” Chi Chi laughed. “Alright let’s write a song.”

“I was thinking, we sing about the shapes we are, and sing about societal struggles and riots in london and an unfair corrupt justice system.” Naysha said swallowing the gargled Capri Sun and getting off the floor.

“I’m liking the first bit, like shapes and shit.” Chi Chi said, igniting the engine of the car and speeding away. “Were probably ready i think lets go perform.”

“You just hit a little boy selling papers back there.”

“Nah dude ur tripping.” Chin Chin said turning on the windshield whispers to get the blood off.

When they finally arrived after driving down the A38 the battle of the bands was underway. The entrance was bustling with people eager to see the peformances.

As the trio made their way through the crowd they got some funny looks, but maybe because they were wearing cardboard boxes and were sticky from Capri Sun juice.

Once they got to the bouncer he stopped them from getting through with a grunt.

“Oi leds, restricted area, bands only.” He said in a thick nothern tone.

“Oh? Haven’t you heard?” Chi Chi spoke confidently, her eyes facing different directions due to all the acid. “We’re the new band on the block!”

The bouncer simply shook his head.

“Oive never seen yous before. Whatre you’re names?”

They all pondered for a second before Naysha snapped her fingers.

“We’re Dragometry, the geometric power trio unsatisfied with social injustice.” She said proudly burping halfway through her sentence.

The bouncer looked stunned for a moment before nodding. “Meta…” he said letting them all through.

When they got inside they could scope out the competition. It seems the entirety of Camdens music scene had gathered to win that 100,000 quid.

As they made their way inwards they were stopped by a group of angry looking new yorkers.

“Oh looky here lads, what do we gots.” One of them said, cracking their knuckles.

“Looks likea buncha whimps to me!” Another one said snickering.

Naysha burst out in tears. Chi Chi had to do something for the credibility of her band!

“We’re only the greatest musicians since Cher Loyd.” She retorted with her quick drug induced whit. “Who are you?”

The three new Yorkers struck a dynamic pose and exclaimed in unison.

“We are Street Meats! Betty, Bob and Thorgy!!!”

“Gay.” Derrick said, picking some broccoli out of her teeth.

“Alright well, later lads.” Chi Chi said, pushing past the entitled fuckers. Bloody Americans.

“Not so fast!!” Bob said, grabbing her by the shoulders. “This is our turf, see? And we don’t take too kindly to people trying to get our 100,00 dollars!”

“Fuck i left the engine on.” Chi Chi said, turning to Naysha.

“We have a little bet to propose.” Thorgy said, taking out a hostage from her guitar case. “Win and we’ll leave forever. Loose…and we’ll kill this hostage.”

Derrick poked the hostage in the belly and scratched her stubble in consideration.

“Mmmmmm” She said, thinking hard. “…N-…..n…..hmmmmm. No.”

“Oh?” Acid betty said chuckling manically. “Did we forget to mention the hostage happens to be…THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND?”

“SHIIIT” Chi Chi bawled, sobbing into her hands.

“C-challenge accepted.” Naysha said, her eyes beginning to well up. “Don’t worry your majesty…we’ll get you out of this…” she said holding the queens wrinkled hands.

“Oi thanks lads.” The queen responded. Adjusting the crown on her head.

Just like that Thorgy stuffed her back in his guitar case and threw it into the coat room.

“Good luck ladies.” Bob chuckled, fist bumping Acid Betty as they walked away.

Things had just gotten serious. Now the common wealth was in their hands. Chi Chi felt sick.

“What are we going to do?” Derrick cried. His hands were shaking.

She took a deep breath and stood up straight, adjusting her cardboard box.

“I’ll tell you exactly what we’re going to do. We’re going to win this fucking battle of the bands, and then we’re going to be knighted by the queen of England, thats what we’re going to do.” Chi Chi said in a confident voice.

With newfound confidence the trio patted each-other on their naked sweaty backs. The first band had just begun to play. Les Chicken Wings they called themselves.

They were pretty sick ngl. A bit like The Clash but with cross dressers.

“BUY OUR VYNIL IN THE BACK.” The lead vocalist screamed once the band finished up. Chi Chi turned around and there stood Little boy Bendelacreme selling vinyls!

“Oh shit what happened to you.” She asked, grimacing at his horribly mangled body.

“I was left disfigured when you ran me over earlier. Would you like to buy a vinyl?” He said, holding out a disk in his bloodied hands.

Chi Chi flicked a shilling in his direction and took one.

“Lighten up miss Chi Chi! You look awful nervous.”

“I suppose you could say that.” She admitted, looking at the floor and shuffling her feet.

“Wotts wrong?”

“Well i managed to get a band together but instead of practicing we went back to my van and took acid so now we’re wearing cardboard boxes and we don’t have a song to perform, and if we fuck up the queen of England dies.”

“Hmmm, i think i saw this on an episode of friends once!” Ben said cheerily, his broken bones making a crunching noise as he smiled. “Joey told Chandler to believe in himself, and everything turned out aight.”

Chi Chi nodded. “Yeah.” She said under her breath.

She just needed to believe in herself. She had the music in her. If she didn’t give up she’d win the battle of the bands for sure.

“Thats right Chi Chi, believe in yourself.” A mystery voice said. She looked up.

Bloody hell! It was the Beatles! Here to perform for the whole of Camden!

“John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr, What are you doing here?” She said excitedly.

“We’re here to tell you to never give up.” John said in a liverpoolian accent.

“Yeah, you can do it.” Ringo said, smiling.

“Thanks the Beatles! I won’t let you down!”

“Yeah, its like we say in Yellow Submarine, “Rah, rah, ah, ah, ah, roma, roma, ma. Gaga, ooh, la, la… want your bad romance.” Paul added, patting Chi Chi on the shoulder.

“Now go out there and sing! Sing like the commonwealth depends on it!” George said inspiringly.

Chi Chi was ready. She heard somebody call them to the stage. Grabbing her synth she felt her fingers trembling.

Showtime.

She looked at her bandmates.

Derrick was holding the synth upside down.

Nayshas costume had fallen off do she was completely naked.

They were ready.

They each played the opening chords and leaned into the microphones.

“We are the girls of Dragometry. All shapes and sizes are what we bring” Each of them sang in harmony, feeling the rhythm and LSD run through their veins.

“Rectangle girls of the world” they yelled, feeling their metaphorical oats.

“Around every girl, in a circle I run You can be square, hon, but don’t be a nun” Naysha said into the mic, shining like the star she was.

“We just wanna celebrate. No matter the size, no matter the shape!”

The rest of the performance went pretty stellar in Chi Chis opinion. She came up with a particularly good line about being a bumblebee, and Derrick was bopping out like it was nobodies business.

The performance concluded.

Silence filled the room.

There was a moments pause as the audience was stunned. It was as if the spirit of Freddy Mercury had possessed them all on stage and caused them to create the single most amazing tune in the world.

“You guys suck wang!!” A member of the audience shouted, as the crowd began to boo.

What?

The booing continued. How could that be? They created a total bop!

“Hey look! Their music killed John Lennon!” Another audience member yelled.

Chi Chi looked over to a very dead John foaming at the mouth twitching on the floor.

“They killed a member of the Beatles. Kill them! Blood for blood!!!” The crowd yelled, throwing empty bottles at Kopparberg at the trio.

They dodged the bottles and swiftly ran backstage and sighed together.

“I don’t get it. I thought that went well.” Chi Chi said sadly, throwing her cardboard box to the ground in defeat.

“I thought my stepford wife line was sick.” Derrick said sadly.

“I did too! And that circle thing Naysha said was totally tubular.” Chi Chi agreed.

They all sat down on the floor waiting for their inevitable demise. The audience would find a way backstage and shank them all to death for sure. Plus the Queen of England was probably going to die, and they lost the bet against Street Meats.

Soon enough they all heard banging on the door and angry yells. This was the end.

“It was good doing acid with the two of you.” Chi Chi said, holding both their hands.

“Yeah, thanks for seeing past the fact i look like Britney spears.” Derrick replied, squeezing her hand.

“And thanks for saving me earlier when i was passed out.” Naysha smiled sadly, still fully naked.

They all sat together and accepted their fate.

Just before they were mobbed by angry fans, a woman appeared in front of them.

Jesus! It was Debby Harry!

“Hey buckos” she said lighting a ciggy.

“Blondie? What are you doing here?” Chi Chi gasped, standing up in shock.

“I’m here to tell you to never give up fuckheads. That performance out there was absolutely shocking, but you still have a chance at saving the Queen.”

They all looked at their feet sadly.

“It’s no use world famous singer Debby Harry, if we go out there, we’ll be killed.” Naysha cried, wiping away some eye infection goo.

Debby slapped her hard in the face.

“You know. I used to go out on stage off my tits on LSD, stumbling around, saying nonsense about bumblebees. But i never gave up. Soon i moved on to singing about hearts of glass and it was lit. Everybody loved it.” Debby said with wisdom and a knowing look.

“Get out there and give them an encore they’ll never bloody forget!!”

Filled with newfound confidence the trio cheered and high fived. Blondie had given them the courage to go back out there.

They got back on stage and Chi Chi grabbed a mic.

“There they are!!” An angry hipster yelled.

“Kill them!” Another roared.

“Wait wait.” Chi Chi hushed them, raising her hands. “You see those people over there?” She continued, pointing over to Street Meats who were leaning against the wall eating mini sausage rolls.

“They have the Queen of England in their guitar case!!” Naysha said as Street Meats started to look panicked. “They said they would kill her if we didn’t win!”

The crowds attention turned from Dragometry to Bob Acid and Thorgy. They circled the guitar case slowly.

“Look- we can explain.” Bob began, backing away.

But it was too late. They unzipped the case and the Queen fell out. She got up and looked around.

“Wait a minute…” an audience member said, leaning in to examine her face. “This isn’t the Queen!!!”

Muttering and mumbles erupted in the room as somebody moved forward and pulled off the queens wig and crown.

“Jesus christ!! It’s Bono!!”

Bono escaped through the door like a startled deer into the woods. Fuck.

“Nobody cares about Bono. GET DRAGOMETRY!!”

Another bottle was thrown at Chi Chi, then another. The last thing she remembered was Paul McCartney hitting her directly in the forehead with a bottle of Carling.

Then complete blackness.

A few hours pass.

She feels comfort under her heavy body.

And a sharp pain in her forehead.

As Chi Chi opens her eyes she’s greeted to Little boy Bendelacreme in a well lit room with white walls.

“Ben??” She says weakly. “Where am i?”

“Ayup miss Devayne! Your in hospital. Bottle got you in the head i say. Right in the noggin.”

Chi Chi was confused. She turned her head and saw the three remaining Beatles standing over her bed looking apologetic.

“Yeah, sorry Chi Chi, we shouldn’t of lashed out like that.” Ringo said, his massive nose drooping with sadness.

“But i killed John.” Chi Chi said sadly.

“Nah, it was a drug overdose. Nothing to do with you at all!”

They all laughed together in unison. What a funny coincidence!

But Chi Chi couldn’t hear the laugh of her two best friends, Derrick and Naysha. She frowned again, rubbing her forehead. She feared the worst

“Where are my bandmates?” She asked, almost scared to get a response.

Bendelacreme took of his hat and held it to his chest, looking down to the floor.

“No idea I’m afraid.” George admitted, shrugging his shoulders. “Maybe they…managed to escape.”

Chi Chi liked that idea…but no. Her friends were gone. Probably trampled to death. She felt a great gap in her heart where her two best friends in the world used to be.

But for now, she was just grateful to be alive in a warm hospital bed, knowing that the Queen of England was completely safe.

She remembered what Naysha said at the end of their number.

Thank you, thank you.

Be different.

love yourself.

Love yourself.

#hobnob #chi chi devayne #naysha lopez #derrick barry #bob the drag queen #thorgy thor #acid betty #bendelacreme #rpdr fanfiction #submission #crack fic #s8

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