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werezmastarbucks · 3 years

Text

xenia

honeymoon masterlist

word count: 2851

warnings: mentions of parental abuse

music: damsel in distress by neck deep, beautiful stranger by halsey

You did shots that night.

Xenia has been one of the stops on your ridiculously meticulous search through Ohio. One mention that one of Kai’s grandmothers might be buried here somewhere, and that she was a siphoner, too, which is a rare, and you stopped in Xenia, digging up every inch of the earth.

In fact, at some point, as you lived on in this weird world, systematic search has grown into a kind of manic entertainment.

You took everything to extremes. Searching for the grave, that might have answers and magical solutions, you basically unearthed the whole cemetery, because Kai said that maybe somebody wanted to hide his nana’s body, because she was a shameful accident, being a siphoner and all that. And that random guess got stuck in your heads, turning you into paranoid diggers. Really, you were just keeping yourselves busy. Doing the things you would never normally do in your usual life. Why would you walk around a town, digging the ground randomly, and putting so much effort in it? After a couple of days of incredible stamina fueled work, Xenia looked like it’s been ravaged by gigantic moles. Then Parker remembered. She has never been to Xenia, she lived, and died in Cincinnati.

And that’s why you were doing shots.

You invented a reverse never have I ever game which was called nobody has ever. The point was to think of all the things other people never did for you, and the luckier one had to drink, but obviously, pretty soon the game turned dark.

You found this nice house on the Creek Green Street that overlooked an old alley with a post office that must have been about sevety years old. You wondered how it survived the tornado.

The kitchen was big, and the table, square and made of very thick, nice looking wood, consumed the soft golden lights of the evening. Although your shoulders were hurting you almost to the point of whining, since no matter how many days you dug, your body wouldn’t get stronger, you made a salad. Kai cooked up a myriad of snacks, and they were all piling up on the table in a colorful, tasty mess. It felt like you were both drunk from work and the absurdity of your chore even before you opened up the bottle.

“Nobody has ever”, he said, narrowing his eyes, “hit me in the throat with a tennis ball”.

You shook your head slowly. The shots rested on the table. You were leaning against the table, one foot under you, and listened to music and your joints singing the mournful song of pain. Kai was rubbing his chin musingly. Days in Xenia were very warm - unlike in all other towns. That was amazing to you. Without the people, and the hurry, you could concentrate on the world itself and actually found every location had its own smell, temperature, color. Once you got out, you’d never be the same.

“Nobody has ever cut my hair while I was sleeping”.

Kai nodded responsibly and downed his shot. You raised your brows.

“Oh, I was way too agitated, and never liked scissors near my face. Mom always cut my hair while I was asleep. I was ugly when I was little. One more reason”, he shrugged, “to be hating on lil Malachai”.

You hummed.

“Nobody has ever said they loved me”, he continued, gravely.

Air got stuck in your throat.

You swayed in your place.

“Come on. Not ever?”

“Nah”.

You took your shot and thought, who actually said that to you, except your mother. People usually said it in a friendly way. You couldn’t count how many times Elena said she loved you, and it didn’t mean much at the end of the day.

“Not even in a casual way, like, oh my god, you like Metallica, too? I love you!”

Kai chuckled.

“I don’t like Metallica”.

“Jesus. Okay. You wanna go hardcore. Nobody has ever chose me over everything and everybody else”, you offered.

Kai smirked and took his shot, and then reached for the bottle again.

“How? How come? And they never said they love you? Who?”

“I have learnt to manipulate people into choosing me over everything else. That’s how I keep sane, ha”, he noted. You frowned.

“Who was it?”

He looked at you with surprise.

“You. You chose me over everything else in your life when you decided to spend an eternity here with me. That was pretty nice of you. Cheers”, and he drunk again, forgetting he had already done his shot. You could feel the blood flowing to your face.

“I did it because I thought Damon would stop. I didn’t expect him to send me here”.

Kai shrugged, as if saying, it wasn’t really his problem Damon was a piece of shit.

“And why did you mainpulate me into it?”

Bold of him to assume he had manipulated you into liking him, but his way of thinking is different.

“Because I like you. I wanted you to stick with me. You’re the only person who doesn’t make me feel like a burden”, he replied with a lot of importance. He was a little tipsy.

You sighed heavily.

“Nobody has ever buried me under the ground in a drain pipe”, he ogled.

“Mm-hmm”.

He grinned as you drank.

“By the way, after that, when I made a scene (because I was sixteen) about Damon not killing the love of his life over me, Katherine called me a delusional teenager. God I hate that bitch”.

“Katherine Pierce never infuriated me because I never met her”, he put it.

“It’s not your turn”, but you drank anyway, “Nobody has ever called me an abomination”.

He saluted you with his shot.

“Nobody has ever made me his door boy”.

Shot.

“Nobody has ever took away my natural right of being the leader of my coven”.

Shot.

Your right shoulder stang you with annoying pain, and you glanced at the clock. Midnight would come in a couple of minutes. You always started drinking just before midnight because the change of the day brought you back to sobriety, and you could go on and drink the same amount again without feeling bad in the morning.

As the midnight struck, you suddenly found yourself sitting so close to Kai your foreheads were touching.

You both straightened up and looked at the time. He stretched his neck.

“Were we drunk-confessing our mutual respect for each other?” you asked.

“Think so”, he pulled a bowl of salad to himself and started eating, without forgetting to fill the shots again.

“Happy birthday”.

You clincked your tiny glasses together, and the game went on.

“Nobody has ever cooked for me”, he said.

You downed your shot thinking about how fabulous it is, to have your own chef who is also in love with you.

At the same second, you wondered if he has ever thought about poisoning you, just for the sake of it.

“I have hard time believing it. You’ve made it to twenty-two, which meant your parents cooked for you”.

“We had lots of kids in the house. We always had to eat all together”, Kai shook his head, “if you were late to the table, you had to starve. Besides, I started cooking for myself pretty early”.

“Okay. Nobody has ever locked me up in the basement”.

He was so good at this game, taking his losing drinks like a champ, like a very diligent student. As his adam’s apple went down, you gasped.

“Oh, wait. Spit it out! Spit it out. I recalled. I’ve been locked up in basements plenty of times, it was just... more like... a dungeon”.

“In the Salvatore house?” he asked, displeased.

“Yeah. And once, in the Lockwood mansion. Damon was raging then. We got stuck and...”

“Whatever”.

You licked your lips and shut up, seeing the familiar irritated spark in his eyes. Kai hated Damon at this point; for sending him away; for being not his type of person; but most importantly, for the fact you still lingered on the memories of him.

Gradually, you started running out of ideas, drunk again, and it was barely past one in the morning.

Kai at least was constantly eating, while you just drank, so you now had a hard time focusing on one thing, your thoughts drifting apart like ripples on the water. You looked at his white wrists, his knees hopping lightly as he bounced to the music, and tried to think of something.

“Nobody has ever... ever...” you puffed. Kai smiled. “Ever stood over me at night, watching me sleep”.

“Yes, I have”.

You didn’t get it at first.

“What?”

“I have”, he repeated.

“Oh, you mean... of course, I mean, back in the outer world”.

He nodded, like it was just a tiny misunderstanding about the size of a cheesburger he’s ordering.

“Oh, yeah, yeah. I was in your house at night before we got here”.

“What?!” you snapped.

All your body moved you towards him to slap him on the head, but out of instinct, the unkillable, fundamental instinct that kicked in when he was around, you took his head, let your palms slide down to his neck, as you hugged him.

“Kai, why would you do that?”

“I don’t know, I just wanted to see what you look like when you’re not around me”, he said simply. You could feel his mouth moving against your hair close to your ear. “What you look like when you stare at yourself in the mirror. What you do when nobody’s watching”.

You shut your eyes with embarrassment, your brain trying to recall all the things you did alone back in your house one hundred years ago.

“Oh god...”

“What you smell like when you’re just out of shower. You know, stuff like that”.

“God, this is so embarrassing”.

He laughed out with amusement.

You pulled away and took his head, covering his ears with your plams. His face swayed in front of you a little, as you muttered,

“You have to promise me something, Parker”.

“Okay”, he said carefully.

He could’ve said, of course! because you knew him. You knew how he pretends to be this enthusiastic person. Who is only serving you. But he was real right then, at that moment, looking you in your drunk eye, really considering what you’re about to ask. He could’ve said of course! and not mean it. But he said okay, ruffling up like a ferret, and you loved him at that moment.

“Once we get out, don’t stalk other girls”.

His face moved with laughter he contained inside.

“Why would I do that?”

You thought of that wretched universe full of good-looking girls, and all their different shapes and colors, the way they smell and how gracious they are, and felt scared of losing him for the first time.

“They’re all so pretty, and I... just don’t. Do whatever you can to...”

“You don’t think you’re pretty?” he asked in his are you dumb tone. “You’re a solid eight”.

You have lived enough to feel all kinds of wonders when intoxicated. You’ve sang, blacked out, stumbled, yelled, fought and slept when drunk, and now the very logical reaction followed, which you have also experienced many times.

You started sobbing.

“Eight”, you put your hand to your face, cradling yourself, and consoling yourself immediately.

Kai’s face went almost pale with shock. Then he started giggling uncontrollably, reaching his arms for you.

“I’m joking! Hey, I’m joking”.

He couldn’t start laughing.

“What are you upset about? I’m just fooling with you”.

“I’ve always been an eight!” you cried out, suddenly.

“For your information, eight is fantastic!”

“Katherine has always been a ten”, you finished solemnly, drowning in the pleasure of digging into your deepest wells of insecurity.

Kai froze.

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking about Damon right now. I swear to fuck, I’ll break your neck”.

You tilted your head miserably, letting the tears stream down your face in a dramatic fashion.

“Aaaahhh”.

“Y/N...”

“Damon has made me think that I’m a fool for ever thinking somebody can be into me”, you said quietly. You could feel his hand on the base of your neck. As your hot tears dripped down, heating the perfume on your skin, his grab tightened lightly. He didn’t know how to hold tenderly, it was always half-clutching with Kai. With time, you came to realize it was so reassuring you felt the safest when his hands were around your throat. Whether it was playful or menacing depended on his mood.

“Let me rain on your self-pitying parade”, he murmured, “okay? My parents made me think I didn’t deserve to breathe even. Pretty natural, don’t you think? Everyone has their right to have air in their lungs”.

You looked at him. Kai was being serious. You wiped your cheek with the back of your hand, and his face softened a little.

“But my dad decided I wasn’t worth even that”.

“What are you saying?”

“Once I was sitting in the bath, when I was about five. That was the time you start getting your magic and learn how to control it. That was the time the whole coven found out I don’t have it. That Jo is useless, too, because I’m a siphoner. So one night, when I was in the bath”, he repeated, like he was trying to hypnotize you, “he came in, and...” he looked away, blinking several times. “I remember, he was wearing this dark green shirt. Green is the color of the coven. He held my head under water”.

There was a short break between two songs, and when the next one came in, blasting sounds, you shivered uncomfortably.

“He decided he’d spare himself and everybody else the headache. That’s why I don’t like water much and barely ever go near it. And now you taught me how to swim”.

“How did you survive?” you whispered.

“My mom barged in and pulled him away. I don’t know how she knew. Maybe it was her motherly instinct. She used to have that one for me long time ago”.

The tears welled up on you, pressure pushing on the sides of your skull. You took him, kissing his face, kissing his mouth, as Kai leaned in, quiet, and just let you dote on him. You held him tight, trying to kiss the memories out, begging him to forget.

“I’m okay. Hey, I’m fine. It was a long time ago, and he’s dead. And I’m alive. And I have you”.

You were so drunk, falling apart at the seams like a badly sewn jacket, that he had to hold you so that you didn’t fall off the chair. Hangover was guaranteed.

“Let’s just go... let’s go to bed”, you whispered, your face against his. “You can do whatever you want”.

Kai smiled. His eyes glinted in a familiar way. This kitchen, the house, it all grew on you. The way he held you, you didn’t even know if your feet touched the floor.

“Whatever I want?” he asked.

“Whatever you want”, you echoed.

He put your body onto the couch, and you could feel he moves your limbs a little, and then the weight of his body was next to you.

Fifteen minutes later, you pulled the covers down, and turned towards the light, and saw the TV shining through the blackness of the room.

Kai was watching Lethal Weapon on VHS and cuddling against you.

You inhaled, feeling he room spinning. The light stang your eyes, so you rolled back away and pressed your face into him, into the darkness.

The next time you woke up it was already dark.

You moved a little just to know where you are, and indicated his arms around you. Comfort settled down immediately, but the insane temperatures of his dozing body was too much, so you tried to kick the cover down to your feet. Kai lifted one of his arms unwillingly. It was still deep dark outside the window, and the old post office must have been standing there in complete fright.

“How many parts have you watched?”

“Three”, he said sleepily. You considered whether you were thirsty enough to try and go to the kitchen. Decided it wasn’t worth it. Your face felt a bit swollen with tears, but you felt comfortably tired. You wouldn’t leave this couch even if somebody lit it on fire.

“It’s not true, by the way”, he said.

“Huh?”

“My dad never tried to drown me”.

You rolled your eyes without opening them up.

“Wha...”

“I made it up, I was just trying to make you feel better”.

“You moron. You unbelievable moron, you...”

“You really have to stop calling me names, it hurts”.

“Douchebag. Why... Kai, you told me you weren’t a liar”.

He did something resembling a shrug. You felt his knee between yours, and slid your arm onto his back.

“You made me a liar. You’re changing me”, he mumbled, “I’m changing here with you. I can feel it”.

#kai parker #kai parker imagine #kai parker x reader #vampire diaries imagine #vampire diaries #tvd imagine

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ververa · 4 years

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Twist In The Sobriety

Request: something sweet and fluff with mina about her insecurity and reader being understanding and saying that she loves her, you can take it wherever you want, smutt or not, I would just love something sweet.

A/N:@honeysorwell I hope this can do! Sorry if this is shit. Also I’m deeply sorry it took me so long. I’m just really discouraged and I’m kind of struggling rn. Anyways, hope you enjoy it!

Wilhemina Venable x reader

Word count: 5 500

Wilhemina Venable was a professor of literature, who held the position of pro-rector for over two years. Wilhemina was known as a very strict, demanding and cynical woman. Some even considered her mean. She was respected by other professors and hated by students, as she was the one ‘ruining’ their plans. She came off as an unapproachable woman, who had a heart of stone and no mercy. She always wore dark purple or black suits, had her dark hair pulled back in a bun and she never smiled. Most people felt intimidated by her, but you were fascinated. For you she was the most perfect woman you had ever seen. You really wanted to get to know her, but it wasn’t possible. Wilhemina spent most of the time in her office and you only saw her passing by from time to time. Though you were very observant, so you obviously made some assumptions.

You hoped that one day you would be able to meet her. You were fantasizing about how your first meeting could go, though none of those scenarios came true. The reality totally surprised you as you met her when you least expected it.

Wilhemina rarely had classes, she almost completely gave up on teaching after she became a pro-rector. She did lectures for a small group of students, who displayed advanced level of required subjects. Other than that Wilhemina barely left her office and if she did - it was only to inspect the condition of the university and to check if certain rules were followed by students and professors.

It was one of those days, when she actually got bored. She decided it was a good time to inspect one of her colleagues. In fact, Wilhemina didn’t care about what was going on in the classrooms as long as no rules were broken. She usually went there only to make herself feel better or eventually meet those students who were noticeably superior to the group.

She had heard quite a lot about you from other professors. They were always praising you and she got a bit curious. It had been a long time since anyone managed to make any impression on her. It was really hard to do it, and she started believing that no one and nothing could ever impress her again. Yet then she met you.

You had a lecture with one of the professors that you truly despised. The man was over 50 years old. He was arrogant and overconfident, but what you hated the most about him was that he had no respect for women. He kept insulting and abusing female students for years, though none of them was brave enough to stand up to him. That was until you. You had been brought up in a family of lawyers, so holding various kinds of discussion was something that you had been taught for years. You had no trouble objecting him and then finding arguments to prove your point. Normally you tried to control yourself and be respectful, but that time was different. That time you got too angry to hold yourself back.

Wilhemina didn’t like to rush. She took her time getting to the right classroom and used the back door, so as not to interrupt. She had expected yet another boring lecture, but to her surprise she found you arguing with her colleague.

“I fail to understand how some of you, men, can be so narrow-minded. You classify women only in two categories - fuckable and non-fuckable. But let me tell you, there is more than that”

Venable scanned the room trying to understand what was going on. She decided not to interfere, because your speech sounded pretty interesting and promiscuous.

“Let’s take Miss Venable for example. You are all sure that you know her, but the truth is you only get to see the surface layer. And you are too oblivious and unintelligent to even consider that there is something more. In result you totally misunderstand her and perceive her in a wrong way”

“That’s enough. Sit down Y/N”

“No”

“Sit down!”

“I’ll sit when I’m done”

“You’ll regret it. You’ll get punish for your insubordination”

“It’s not insubordination. We’re just having a discussion and you’re calling it an ‘insubordination’, because I’m right and you don’t have any arguments. But of course, I understand it’s hard to admit that you’re just a fool with a low self-esteem, who tries to compensate for it by using young students and turning their life into hell if they refuse to have sex with you”

“Miss Y/L/N as a future lawyer you should know how to keep your head right, but apparently you’re not able to. I’ll not tolerate such behaviour in my classes. That’s why I think you can’t continue the course”

“Oh, I’m very calm. It’s you who takes it personal and reacts emotionally, because you can’t stand the fact that women can be more powerful. What hurts you the most is that you’re intimidated by us, by Miss Venable. And if that wasn’t enough she also took the position that you aspired to hold. And now I beat you, using the right arguments - the same as she beat you thanks to her qualifications. But of course, it’s our fault, because as women we’re supposed to serve you. I’m sorry to inform you, but the medieval times are over”

Wilhemina stood there shocked. She finally understood why everyone was talking about you. She hadn’t heard such kind of argument in a while. And you talking about her in such a way truly impressed her. Of course Wilhemina wasn’t the type of person who would admit that you made her speechless, so she composed herself and slowly approached you.

“Oh, and one more thing” you continued not realizing Wilhemina was there “Next time I find out you tried to abuse any woman, I’ll report you to Miss Venable. You’ll have a chance to ask how she's doing...”

“I’m good. Thank you” Wilhemina said as calm as possible - trying to hide her amusement

You slowly turned round only to see her looking at you.

“Miss Venable…”

“Miss Y/L/N, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you”

“That’s… umm… that’s my pleasure” you said a bit dumbfounded

“Wilhemina… I can explain” your professor began

Venable said nothing, but you could notice how her hand clenched on her cane. She slowly approached the man and looked into his eyes.

“It’s Miss Venable” she emphasized her name hitting her cane on the floor “I'll make it clear, so there will be no misunderstandings. I’m truly disgusted. Your explanations do not interest me at all. And you can be sure I’ll raise this issue during the meeting of the school board”

You didn’t expect her to be there. You didn't necessarily want her to hear what you said and you obviously didn’t know how to act after that. Normally you would come up with something, but Wilhemina gave you no time.

“Miss Y/L/N” she moved closer to you

Venable looked at you, but you didn't lower your eyes like your professor. It felt weird - almost as if her big brown eyes could look right through your soul, but you held her stare anyway.

That was unexpected. Her stare was like a weapon. It made everyone feel intimidated and thereby proved that Wilhemina was in power. Everyone always averted their eyes, except for you.

“Miss Y/N would you care to follow me to my office?” she asked, but by the tone she used you could tell it was an order not a question or request

“O-of course”

You followed Venable - counting all the tiles on the floor on your way, trying to compose yourself. Being alone with her had been something you wanted, but you weren’t really sure where that could go at that point.

“Sit down” she demanded and you did it immediately - this time not needed to be told twice. Wilhemina sat down as well and looked at you carelessly swiveling her cane.

“So…” you started after a moment of silence that for you seemed to be a bit too long

“So” she repeated doing her best to contain her amusement with your nervousness

You were looking everywhere, but her face. Yet even though you weren't looking at her, you could feel her eyes on you. You shifted feeling slightly insecure under her stern gaze.

“You are quite a unique specimen, aren’t you Miss Y/N?”

“I… I guess I am...” you said scratching the back of your head

“I must say, I’m pretty impressed with your gift of the gab”

“Well… I must say, I wasn’t quite expecting you to hear all that?”

“Why is that? I’m glad I did. Though, I really felt quite distressed learning some of those things”

“Umm… Does that mean I won’t be expelled or suspended?”

“Oh, of course not. We can’t let ourselves lose such precious students as you”

Your eyes widened. That definitely was the last thing you had expected to hear.

“Of course, it’s understandable if you won’t want to attend Mr Smith’s classes. And if that’s the case, I’d help you to prepare for the exam instead”

“Yes. That’d be great!” you exclaimed probably a bit too enthusiastically “I mean I’d really appreciate it, Miss Venable”

Wilhemina nodded. She didn’t show any kind of emotion, but she seemed pretty pleased with your response.

“Alright then. We shall start on Monday. Meet me at the library. 8 a.m. and don’t be late”

Going to the university wasn’t a dream come true for you - at least not at that time. You wanted to take a gap year and travel. You wanted to see the world, meet people, party, fall in love. Though your parents were against your idea. They basically made you go to the university and study law. They had already had everything planned for you. You were supposed to become a lawyer, just like your father and then work in his office. That for sure was a good plan, but nobody asked you if that was what you wanted. It obviously wasn’t and you hated it. All the lectures were boring and most of your professors were assholes. That’s why spending time at the university was like a torture for you. Though after you started your lessons with Wilhemina it became more bearable.

You weren’t wrong saying that there was more than Venable let people see. And whether she liked it or not, you noticed everything. Every little detail about her. From the way she moved or shift her cane to the changes in her voice tone when she spoke. You could see beyond the thick walls she had been building her whole life and you absolutely loved every second of getting to know her better. She was an incredibly intelligent, independent and strong woman. She always talked so passionately about all the things related to the subject she was teaching. And even though law wasn’t really her thing, she was doing a really good job teaching you and helping with all the stuff. In fact she was better than your other professor. You loved listening to her calm voice and it didn’t really matter what she was talking about. Just the fact it was no other than Wilhemina Venable made even the most boring thing interesting.

Wilhemina couldn’t deny that you were full of surprises. After everything she had been through in her life she didn’t think there was anything more that could make her feel astonished, but there you were. You were an eloquent and ambitious person. She knew that at once, but she had no idea how hot-tempered and sassy you could be. She got to see that side of you after some time, when you got more comfortable around her. But she didn’t mind. In fact your dry sense of humour, which perfectly matched hers, made her like you even more. You might have been sarcastic or even arrogant at times, though you never disrespected her in front of others. It’s not that other people did. They wouldn’t dare to disrespect her, because they were all afraid of the consequences. Though it was different with you. You were the one who truly respected her and you did that not because of fear, but because in your eyes she deserved that respect. And much to her dismay, it made Wilhemina feel different about you. There was just something in the way you rolled your eyes or made some snarky comment. Something that made her unable to get you out of her head. Wilhemina wasn’t sure whether she liked it or not or whether it was something good or not. The only thing she knew was that you, with no doubt, were the one who could push all her buttons down.

As you got to know her better - teasing Wilhemina became your new favourite hobby. She always knew what to say, except for those moments when she was with you. And you loved seeing her being frustrated or rolling her eyes or when she unsuccessfully tried to tell you off. She may try to seem mad, but you knew that deep inside she liked it as much as you did.

“Do you want me to be honest, Miss Venable?” you started one time when you were in the library

“No” Wilhemina said not averting her eyes from the book she was reading

“Well, I’ll say it anyway”

“I had no doubt you’d do that” she sighed

“Oh c’mon. You love listening to me and my theories, Willy” you used the nickname knowing it would draw her attention

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” she asked closing the book

“I’m sorry, I don’t take orders” you shrugged “In fact I barely take suggestions”

Wilhemina shook her head.

“You should have been born with a warning sign”

“Shit happens” you laughed at her comment

“Apparently”

“Anyways…”

“Y/N” she cut you off

“Yes?”

“From the bottom of my heart - I don’t care”

“Well, I respectfully don’t care that you don’t care”

It wasn’t possible to tame you and Wilhemina knew that, but she couldn’t let you see how much she actually liked it.

“I was wondering what kind of music you like” you started

Wilhemina looked at you with anticipation. You rarely dared to make any assumptions about her or if you did you didn’t share them with her. You were usually making fun of other people, so she was curious where your conversation was about to go.

“And?”

“Well, Miss Venable, you seem so calm on the outside, but I bet that behind closed door it’s all loud music, leather and BDSM”

Wilhemina stared at you in silence. Her brown eyes did not blink even once as she examined you. Her serious face expression caused a shiver run through your body. Did you cross some line?

“I… I mean you... just give that kind of vibes… I mean no offense…"

"No harm done"

"Okay. Good" you said looking at your hands instead of looking at Wilhemina as you’d normally do.

It didn’t happen often that you shy away or get insecure. Your silence was always very suspicious and it usually led to more snarky comments. But it was different that time and Wilhemina knew it. She knew that you got shy and she couldn’t help, but used it against you.

“You are right in fact”

“I am…?” your eyes widened

“Yes, except for the part with leather… I’m not a huge fan of latex you know”

You blinked completely dumbfounded. You couldn’t quite process her words and so you just stared at her.

“Oh my, did the great orator lose the ability to speak? Did I make a counselor-to-be speechless?”

“Yes, Miss Venable. You kind of did" you admitted not looking at her, feeling your cheeks slowly turning light pink. You rarely felt embarrassed or confused, so in that very moment Wilhemina felt kind of bad for you. A part of her was satisfied with succeeding and making you shut up, but there was also that bit of her that found you adorable. She hated seeing a frown of concern on your face, so she decided to act.

“Well” she stood up “You are fine Y/N. I’m just messing”

“So, it’s not true?”

Venable was about to say something, but she closed her mouth without making any sound. She was hesitant or couldn’t find the right words - you weren't sure which one. You kept looking at her as she was moving around the table, that the two of you were sitting at. She walked slowly, her heels and cane clicking on the floor making your knees feel weak.

“To some extent it is, I think” she said finally

“W-what do you mean?” you asked turning round to look at her

“Well” she placed her hand on your shoulder “I do like loud music” she continued playing with the strand of your hair “I listen to classical music mostly, but I like rock too...” she said, but stopped as she looked at your face.

Wilhemina didn’t know why she was telling you all that, but it felt right. And the smile on your face definitely was worth the effort.

“It’s actually a long story” she said after a long moment of silence

��Now, that you started you have to tell me. Please, please Miss Venable” you looked at her pleadingly

"I…Would you like a cup of tea, Miss Y/L/N?"

"With you Miss Venable I could drink anything" you joked, but you actually meant that. And you just kind of wished Wilhemina knew how happy you felt whenever you were with her.

Wilhemina had been through all of that before. At some point she realized that her heart beating faster every so often whenever you appeared wasn’t just a coincidence. Such kind of tune was known to everyone, including Venable. She was well aware that she wasn’t able to win that war, no matter how hard she tried. That’s why she hoped that particular tune would never play again - at least not in her heart. Yet you appeared in her life. The battle had begun the moment she met you. You were like a hurricane that rearranged her molecules. You were the twist in her sobriety that she wasn’t ready for. And there she was - fighting with herself. It was her and no one else burning in her own hell. She knew that fighting it was a lost cause, yet she still tried to play that game. And she was doing her best, so as not to get too carried away.

“Which part of following the rules you don’t get Y/N?” Wilhemina asked as you appeared in her office with the same enquiry for what felt like a hundredth time

“I understand everything. I’m not asking you to break the rules” you said innocently “I’m only asking to bend them a little” you added smiling

Wilhemina sighed shaking her head.

“Rules are rules” she stated not looking at you, knowing that if she did, she wouldn’t be able to remain cold anymore

“Oh, c’mon dude!” you said out of habit

That’s when she looked at you. Her eyes narrowed into a glare and as they met yours, you immediately realized your mistake. It wasn’t the first time that something like that slipped and you knew for a fact that Wilhemina hated it. She kept trying to cure you of using such kind of sentences, though apparently it didn’t go as well as she thought.

“I… I mean Miss Venable” you corrected yourself

She really wanted to play it cool and remain indifferent, but that pleading look on your face was too much to take. How she hated you for it.

“Why would I agree?” she shifted, sitting more comfortably in her chair

“Because… deep inside you have a heart of gold?”

Wilhemina raised her eyebrows.

“I’m not convinced” she was about to go back to whatever she was doing before you interrupted her

“Ugh… You’re so stubborn” you rolled your eyes

“I told you to stop doing that”

“Doing what?”

“Rolling your eyes at me, Miss Y/N”

“What? I… You never told me that?”

“Well, I’m telling you now”

“T-that’s… Ugh… Fine! I have better arguments”

“I’m all ears”

“First of all, our library needs renovation, but school obviously doesn’t have enough money. So, the plan is…”

Wilhemina kept listening to you, as you were explaining all your ideas to her. She tried hard not to show any kind of emotion, but since you appeared hiding and avoiding her feelings became rather difficult.

“Are you always such a smartass?” she asked unexpectedly

“No…” you answered a bit dumbfounded “Only when I want to impress you” you added shrugging

Your answer took her by surprise. She really wanted to hold it back, but couldn’t and chuckled. Her cute, genuine laugh made you smile.

“OH.MY.GOD. So, you do smile and laugh” you teased

It was the first time ever that Wilhemina expressed a kind of emotion other than anger, dissatisfaction or boredom. It was new, it was different and it was all because of you. Being around you she couldn’t suppress her emotion, but she was enjoying it more than she would ever admit. In fact, she liked herself better when she was with you. And she obviously couldn’t say ‘no’ to whatever you asked her for - no matter how ridiculous it was for her.

“Wow… Miss Venable smiled at me” you kept teasing “I’m flattered”

“I didn’t ask for your insight” she said not looking at you

"Don't worry. It hurts a little less each time" you smiled at how flustered she got

"Keep teasing and there will be no film night or whatever other shit you come up with" she said crossing her arms

"So you agree?" you beamed

"You wouldn't leave me alone if I said 'no'" she answered playing with her pen, trying her best to focus on it instead of you

"Thank you!" you moved quickly and before Wilhemina had a chance to comprehend what was actually going on, you kissed her on her cheek. Her eyes widened. That unexpected move made her feel a thousand of butterflies in her stomach and much to her dismay she didn't know how to get rid of that weird feeling.

"I swear to God, Y/N, I'll strangle you"

"Is that a promise?" you bit your lip

It took everything in Wilhemina to remain unimpressed and didn't let her feelings show.

"You're walking on thin ice, Miss Y/N" her voice was calm and the usual grave expression was back, but you could notice how the corner of her mouth twitched a little as she spoke

"I'm aware of it. That's professional risk, Miss Venable" you said with pretended dignity at which Wilhemina rolled her eyes

"Don't you have somewhere else to go?"

"Perhaps, I do"

"Then perhaps you should go"

"Perhaps I should" you said, but kept standing there and looking at her

"Out! Now! Before I lose my patience and decide to throw one of the books at you"

"Umm..." You tilted your head to one side "You wouldn't do that. You like those books too much"

You were right - she wouldn't do that, but not because of her love to the literature. She wouldn't do that, because she liked you. She liked you more than her books, in fact, and hurting you was the last thing on her mind.

"Okay, I'm leaving" you said finally

"Good" she nodded

"Oooh, one more thing" you stopped at the door and turned round to look at her one more time

"Yes?"

"You have a beautiful smile, Willy" you said and left not waiting for her response

As you closed the door Wilhemina sighed. She stopped holding herself back. She touched her cheek and a wide smile appeared on her face at the thought of your kiss.

"You'll be the death of me, Y/N" she said to herself

Wilhemina was used to being on her own. She devoted herself to her career and didn’t feel like anything in her life was wrong or missing. In fact she was convinced that everything was in place. She never wanted to need someone ever again, but that changed when she met you. Wilhemina knew it. She could feel it, though she still couldn’t accept it.

You were everything she had been avoiding. You were loud, you were talking almost constantly, you couldn’t sit still even for a minute, you were annoying, stubborn, arrogant, sarcastic and funny and charming… She tried to hate you, but it wasn’t possible. You had awaken something inside her. Something that caused her walls to tumble down. You were the only one, who had such effect on her and she truly wanted you in all possible ways. Yet at the same time Wilhemina was scared. She had had her heart broken before, because she had let herself be led astray. She was afraid of getting burnt again.

Besides that she believed that being with you wasn’t possible. Why would you even like her? She was a horrible person. She could be really mean at times and was capable of truly anything. Ever since she had got her heart broken she treated people more like punching bags. She could cut them into pieces with her words alone and that was exactly why she was on her own.

Wilhemina never truly gave a damn about her bad reputation. She didn’t care what people thought or said about her. But since you appeared in her life she was, in fact, constantly worrying about what you may think when and if you found out about certain things she had done. She often wondered how she had became so obnoxious. Or what was it with you that made her act different. She didn’t mean to care so much. She didn’t mean to be lenient with you. She didn’t mean to enjoy your company. And she definitely didn’t mean to fall for you. But she couldn’t help it and so she hated herself for loving you.

A film night at the university was one of your many ideas that Wilhemina agreed to. She didn’t like it, but for the sake of you, she couldn’t say ‘no’. Though she made it clear, that it was just a one-off deal and you wouldn’t be allowed to do something like that ever again. Her statement didn’t really bother you. Wilhemina always said things like that, but then changed her mind because of you. You knew she had a soft spot for you and you often wondered how it would be to be with her. Yet you didn’t dare to do anything, afraid of scaring her off or losing her trust.

Wilhemina, of course, couldn’t and didn’t want to show how much she enjoyed seeing you so excited or listening to you talking about that one particular film you chose, so she made much of an effort to hide it and kept complaining. Though you were way too happy to care about it. You completely focused on organizing everything, so that everyone, including you and Wilhemina could enjoy it. You put a lot of effort into that, that’s why you were a bit upset when Wilhemina said nothing and kept ignoring you for almost whole evening. She seemed pretty wired, so you didn’t push. You tried your best to give her space, though you failed miserable as the movie that you had chosen ended and another one, picked by one of your friend, turned out to be a horror.

You hated horror movies and you never watched them on your own. But there you were forced to watch. It wasn’t even the middle of the film and you already couldn’t take it. Wilhemina, on the other hand, seemed completely unmoved. She just sat there and kept watching without any particular expression on her face. Though she did show some emotion, as unexpectedly, you hid your face in her arm - gripping her hand and clinging to her like a child. You were close. Very close. And Wilhemina wasn’t ready for it. She didn’t like when people were that close to her. She knew you didn’t do it on purpose, but couldn’t help and got tensed or maybe even a bit mad.

“Y/N, could you move out of my space?”

“I… Sorry” you moved immediately

You internally cursed yourself for acting like that, especially around Venable. You didn’t want to make her feel bad, but you knew you did. You tried to focus on the movie or rather on not freaking out because of it. Though it turned out to be too much for you. You couldn’t keep watching it and you definitely couldn’t hide in Wilhemina’s arms, so you decided it’d be better for you to leave.

Wilhemina watched as you grabbed your things and left without any explanation. At first she was sure you went to the toilet or somewhere, but more and more time passed and you didn’t come back. She began to worry and felt a bit guilty. Without thinking much she stood up and went after you. She slowly wandered through the corridors, wondering what she should do when she finds you. Was it her fault that you left? Should she have not acted the way she did? And why did she even do that? She was longing for your touch. She wanted you close, but then she pushed you away. Wilhemina carried on scolding herself for her behaviour until she found you in the library. You were sitting on the desk and looking out of the window.

“Y/N?” she called your name closing the door

You jumped at the sudden sound.

“Oh my God” you placed your hand on your heart

“I didn’t mean to scare” she said worriedly

“It’s fine”

“Are you alright?” Wilhemina asked approaching you

“Yeah… I just don’t like horror movies” you shrugged

Venable nodded stopping right next to you. There was a moment of silence, that Wilhemina needed to think through her next move.

“So…” she started

“So” you repeated, remembering that your very first conversation was almost the same. The only difference was that then you were the one who were nervous back then.

“Would you mind if I stay here with you?”

“No, Miss Venable”

“Okay”

You could say something was bothering her, but you knew Wilhemina wasn’t the one to talk about her feelings, so you let it be. You said nothing, just kept looking at her trying to figure out what was going on inside her head.

Wilhemina stared at an old bookcase in front of her. She was lost in her thoughts - recalling her past, wondering how she always ended up making bad decisions, making the people, who cared about her sad or how they always left her. She knew that she was mostly bad and kept pretending, because she didn’t want people to know her. Yet, somehow, you managed to break through her defense and you made her someone new. You took her self control and made her forget to play her role. She loved that feeling, but still she was worried, afraid of making yet another bad decision.

Venable could feel your eyes on her. You were staring all the time, so she turned to face you.

“What?” she asked coldly

“Nothing” you smiled to yourself and averted your eyes

“It’s not nothing. Tell me”

“I… You are just… so perfect”

Wilhemina looked at you. There was some kind of fear mixed with shock in her eyes.

“Trust me Y/N, I am not”

“Why would you say such stupid thing about yourself?”

“Just look at me...”

“I’m looking at you”

“And what do you see? For people I’m just a horrible, heartless woman… And my disability…”

“For God’s sake, if someone is truly disabled in our university, it’s professor Smith, who suffers from the lack of working brain cells. You’re fine Willy. You’re so very fine that it hurts when you say such things about yourself”

“You’re too precious to know what I’ve done in my lifetime… and, selfishly, I��ve grown to enjoy your company so much that it would tear me apart if I lose you over my past”

“Stop it. You are amazing. You are the most powerful, clever and beautiful woman I’ve ever known. You’re the best thing I’ve seen in quite some time, Willy…” you said biting your lip

“I swear to God, if you call me that one more time…”

“Then what, Willy?” you asked arching your eyebrow playfully

“Then I can’t be held responsible for my actions” she said and kissed you

You smiled against her lips. She was about pulling back, but you held her in place to kiss her back. And for a moment she forgot to worry.

Tag list: @midnight-lestrange, @natasha-danvers, @stopkillinglilyrabe

#wilhemina venable #wilhemina venable x reader #AHS #ahs imagine #ahs apocalypse #sarah paulson imagine

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miaaartemis · 2 years

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It’s Just What We Do - Sobriety in Your 20s

About 3 weeks ago I decided to give up alcohol for good. Now I know in terms of lifelong sobriety 3 weeks is merely a drop in the metaphorical bucket, but 3 weeks is the longest I’ve gone without a drink since I was 19. I think that’s worth celebrating.

The idea of going teetotal has always scared me. No more partying? No more glossy Summer arvos sipping spritzers in the sun? So much of my social life revolves around drinking - raucous nights at the pub sharing memes over spilt beers, teary DnMs in the bathroom with that girl I just met but something tells me we’ll be lifelong friends, potluck dinners fuelled by equal parts caprese salad, red wine and youthful pretension. Drinking is just as much part of your 20s as signing your first rental agreement or getting your yearly pap smear. It’s just what we do.

Those 5 words have always been the safety brake I pull whenever I’ve doubted my drinking habits in the past. There’s nothing wrong here! This is normal! It’s just what we do. Besides, I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t drink in the morning or on weekdays, I don’t stumble into work missing a shoe, reeking of whatever I was drinking the night before, and I certainly I don’t get blackout drunk. No. I’m normal. I’m just having my deserved fun.

The thing is, when I am having fun, I find it hard to stop. One drink very quickly turns to 6, and before you know it, I’ve instructed all my guests to sit quietly on the living room couch while I perform a 10 minute Irish dancing demonstration to the Riverdance soundtrack, despite being explicitly asked not to. Thankfully, drunk Mia doesn’t turn to abuse or criminal activity as an outlet, only pride wounding antics (side note: this incident is actually what first prompted my sobriety a few weeks ago. I fully intend to keep up my impromptu Riverdance performances, only sober and with enthusiastic consent from the audience). We laugh and drink some more, then finally, once the alcohol starts to put us to sleep rather than keep us awake, the night ends.

The majority of my drunken Saturday nights have ended this way, with only a crushing hangover and cringeworthy memory to overcome the next day. On some occasions however, picking up the pieces of the night before have not been so easy.

Some of you will know that jolting feeling the next morning of remembering a certain infidelity committed, or worse, (and I’m sure all women can relate to this) waking up and remembering a sexual encounter that you can’t be sure you 100% consented to. Waking up and realising you’ve cheated on your partner leaves you feeling like the worst person in the world, waking up and realising you’ve been violated but you can’t quite remember the details and hey you were both drunk so nothing can really be done about it, leaves you wanting to die. Alcohol is the number 1 date rape drug. And yet we all drink it like we’ll have the best sex of our lives.

Aside from these external factors, the internal havoc caused by alcohol should’ve left me giving it up years ago - a family history of cancer, and too many manic episodes or month long lows triggered by a weekend binge. In 2020 I was diagnosed with bi-polar type 2, and you don’t have to be a psychiatrist to understand the damage that alcohol can do to a healthy mind, let alone one that needs a little extra TLC. Now I like to think of myself as someone who is very proactive about my mental health. I regularly see both my psychiatrist and psychologist. I take my medication diligently and am constantly looking for new ways to learn and grow as a person. It saddens me to think that I used to drink so carelessly to excess, ignoring the impact my choices were having on a brain that already needs to be swaddled in cotton wool to be kept safe. If I quit drinking ages ago, would I be strides ahead in my mental health journey than where I am now? I suspect so.

3 weeks in and I’m feeling good about sobriety. Granted, there have been a few times where I’ve almost succumbed but thankfully my willpower has gotten the better of me. Like quitting any vice, it gets easier and easier the more you say no. I can’t even begin to describe how good it feels leaving the pub on a Friday night knowing that your BAC (blood alcohol level) is still at 0. It honestly feels like you can achieve anything. I’ve been reading this book by Holly Whitaker called ‘Quit Like a Woman’ (thank you Sex and The City) and in it she talks about how for the first time in history, we are at a pivotal point where the future truly DOES look female. Imagine, how much more women could achieve if we stopped drinking alcohol and actively oppressing ourselves. It’s a big call to make, but I like her point.

I’m writing this essay as a reminder to myself that lifelong sobriety is a choice that I have made and one that I must commit to, for my own happiness. It won’t always be easy, and there will be times when I question why I’m even doing it all. But in those times I’ll walk away from the freshly popped champagne bottle, pick up my raspberry lemonade, and laugh as someone asks me to do that Irish dance thing I used to do years ago.

Mia Artemis, 2022

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1962dude420-blog · 3 years

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Today we remember the passing of Gram Parsons who Died: September 19, 1973 in Joshua Tree, California

Ingram Cecil Connor III, known professionally as Gram Parsons, was an American singer, songwriter, guitarist and pianist. Parsons recorded as a solo artist and with the International Submarine Band, the Byrds and the Flying Burrito Brothers. He popularized what he called "Cosmic American Music", a hybrid of country, rhythm and blues, soul, folk, and rock.

Parsons was born in Winter Haven, Florida and developed an interest in country music while attending Harvard University. He founded the International Submarine Band in 1966, but the group disbanded prior to the 1968 release of its debut album, Safe at Home. Parsons joined The Byrds in early 1968 and played a pivotal role in the making of the seminal Sweetheart of the Rodeo album. After leaving the group in late 1968, Parsons and fellow Byrd Chris Hillman formed The Flying Burrito Brothers in 1969; the band released its debut, The Gilded Palace of Sin, the same year. The album was well received but failed commercially. After a sloppy cross-country tour, the band hastily recorded Burrito Deluxe. Parsons was fired from the band before the album's release in early 1970. Emmylou Harris assisted him on vocals for his first solo record, GP, released in 1973. Although it received enthusiastic reviews, the release failed to chart. His next album, Grievous Angel, peaked at number 195 on the Billboard chart. His health deteriorated due to several years of drug abuse and he died in 1973 at the age of 26.

Parsons's relatively short career was described by AllMusic as "enormously influential" for country and rock, "blending the two genres to the point that they became indistinguishable from each other." He has been credited with helping to found the country rock and alt-country genres. His posthumous honors include the Americana Music Association "President's Award" for 2003 and a ranking at No. 87 on Rolling Stone's list of the "100 Greatest Artists of All Time."

Before his death, Parsons stated that he wanted his body cremated at Joshua Tree and his ashes spread over Cap Rock, a prominent natural feature there; however, Parsons' stepfather Bob organized a private ceremony back in New Orleans and neglected to invite any of his friends from the music industry. Two accounts state that Bob Parsons stood to inherit Gram's share of his grandfather's estate if he could prove that Gram was a resident of Louisiana, explaining his eagerness to have him buried there.

Parsons' makeshift memorial in Joshua Tree, California To fulfill Parsons' funeral wishes, Kaufman and a friend stole his body from Los Angeles International Airport and in a borrowed hearse, they drove it to Joshua Tree. Upon reaching the Cap Rock section of the park, they attempted to cremate Parsons' body by pouring five gallons of gasoline into the open coffin and throwing a lit match inside. What resulted was an enormous fireball. The police gave chase but, as one account puts it, the men "were unencumbered by sobriety," and they escaped. Another telling indicates that the police did not "give chase", but that Kaufman and friend were arrested for (presumably?) an "open-container/motor-vehicle" violation and/or suspected DUI, and somehow escaped that arrest.

The two were arrested several days later. Since there was no law against stealing a dead body, they were only fined $750 for stealing the coffin and were not prosecuted for leaving 35 pounds (16 kg) of his charred remains in the desert. What remained of Parson's body was eventually buried in Garden of Memories Cemetery in Metairie, Louisiana.

#September 19 #1973 #Joshua Tree #California #R.I.P.#Gram Parsons

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cultvault · 3 years

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Episode 114 with the insightful @general_organa_fan @ontheemmis - Jacqueline talks of her time spent involved with Enthusiastic Sobriety programmes and the institutionalised abuse they inflict on participants and the activism taking place to prevent any further harm. Available now. #troubledteens #troubledteenindustry #breakingcodesilence #breakingcodesilence2021 #breakingcodesilenceawareness #tti #enthusiastic #enthusiasticsobriety #bobmeehan #synanon #cedu #teenchallenge #monarchschool #daytop #cult #cults #abuseawareness #abusesurvivor #abuser #abuseisabuse #institutionalisedabuse #stopabuse #cultleader #podcast #podcasts #podcastshow #podcastsofinstagram #podcastsforwomen #igotout #podcaststudio https://www.instagram.com/p/CSznSl-glNb/?utm_medium=tumblr

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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

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Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Five

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Four

View chapter on wattpad here

Word Count: 4k

A/N: Happy birthday to Nikki Sixx who is aging like wine. I'm so proud of how far he has come and here's to another 61 years and an eternity more🖤

Warning(s): Explicit language, Mentions of drug abuse, Abuse

Tag List: @girlnight-terror @unknownoblivion @sinningsixx @edwardtriggerhandzz @lemmyjelly @haileynicoleseavey17 @cierrasixx19 @oskea93 @mgkobsessed @vamprlestat @sharon6713 @itsametaphorbriansblog @miriampraez @allie-mcginn @rebeccaphillips14 @nicholeh7 @fandomshit6000 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork @6ixx6ixx @ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard @oldschoolimagineblog @thanks2pete @abaldboi @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium @caos18blog @ytwahsog @shamlessobsessions @scarecrowmax @toadspleen @random-internet-user-4471 @solohqrry @loveofmyloif @sparxx27 @kaitieskidmore1 @xpoisonousrosesx @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor @triplehaitches @emmaelizabeth2014 @meetthesixxter @sixxsixxsexx @sublimeprincesswasteland @arianareirg

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

"Alright, assholes, shut up and listen for two minutes." Doc tells us in the airport we wait in line at customs. "We're gonna be here in Japan for a week. Japan is not like it is back home. You can't act like you don't have any sense. They will lock your asses up in a heart beat. Do you understand?" He warns Tommy, Nikki, Vince and Mick. "Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Daddy." Nikki sarcastically lets out, smacking his gum.

"Hey, wise ass, I don't need your comments, alright? I'm being serious, guys." Doc tells them.

"We got it, Doc. You don't have to worry about anything, bud." Tommy assures him, sincerely.

It was our first time in Japan and I've got to say, it's personally my favorite place ever.

The fans were extremely polite, and all of them had enthusiastic, wide smiles...my favorite part was that the girls actually respected the fact that Nikki's wife was with him, and didn't try to screw him in front of me like audacious rats in other places tried to.

They would just smile shyly and introduce themselves to us, and then get a picture with the guys.

If I had a dime for every time Fred has had to keep me from assaulting someone for grabbing Nikki's crotch in front of me, trying to shove their tongues down his throat, give them hotel room numbers to meet them in, etc. I would have been rich enough to afford Nikki's $3,500 a day on heroin.

Groupies were insane.

And I don't mean I saw these girls attempt this stuff from a distance.

I mean, I'd be standing right next to him, the girls would introduce themselves to me, then go on to grope Nikki before he could say a word about how it was nice to meet them.

In the midst of trying to get me on the ground before I could throw a punch, the girls would run off, and Nikki would always say "sorry, babe" and mean it.

He stopped apologizing when he stopped caring.

"...And we need blow." Tommy says to Sparkie, who's about to go on the hunt for a drug dealer in town for the guys, and I roll my eyes.

"Doc told you guys to behave because they don't tolerate bull crap here." I remind him and he and Sparkie look at me, and Nikki's grabbing at my waist and pulling me to sit on his leg before taking a swig of Jack, his striped outfit and bright, over the top makeup is the complete opposite of their Shout at the Devil era.

"What Doc doesn't know won't hurt him, Viv." Tommy says it like it's common sense. "Hey, Vinny, what do you want from a dealer?" Tommy asks him, a sharpness to his voice, and Nikki laughs.

I don't find their bullshit funny.

Vince just rolls his eyes and drinks his water with no reply.

Vince was on court mandated sobriety. And was being tortured by Nikki and even Tommy. They would offer him things they knew he couldn't have and then would play it off like they forgot.

They would have him pass them their drugs, pour them their drinks and count out how many pills they had left.

It ticked me off seeing Tommy go that fucking low all because he and Nikki were so close.

He even started being a little disrespectful to me whenever Nikki was.

Nikki's leg is shaking a little, despite him throwing back alcohol and I look over my shoulder at him.

"Are you okay?" I mouth so the others won't hear it, and Nikki nods, but I know he's full of it.

"On in five, guys, c'mon!" Doc calls out from the other side of the door and I pat Nikki's other leg and stand up, grabbing his hand and pulling him up.

We step out and head to the stage, and Nikki's turning to give me one last kiss before going on.

When he pulls away, my hands are quickly taking my crucifix off and reaching up to fasten it around his neck and it ironically overlaps with his pentagram necklace.

"For good luck." I explain and he gives me a little closed mouth smile and gives me a quick peck on the lips before following Tommy, Vince and Mick.

By the time they got off stage, Nikki was growing pale, and sweating, and not just because he was running around on stage.

Nikki had gone over 48 hours without heroin. Alcohol could keep his tremors to mere, barely noticeable shakes, but didn't do very much for his sweating and sickness.

The guys didn't know he was that deep into heroin, yet, so he didn't want to tell them it was making him that ill without it or they would realize he was further down the hole than they expected.

So, what did I do? I covered for him.

"He thinks he might have food poisoning." I explain to Tommy and Vince as they stand outside of mine and Nikki's room.

"Well, is he alright?" Tommy asks me.

"He'll be okay. He just doesn't feel like going out." I assure him.

"Alright, we gotta go." Vince nudges him.

"Tell him I hope he feels better." Tommy says.

"I will. You guys be careful."

"We will, goodnight."

"Goodnight." I reply and shut the door, hearing Nikki groaning in the bathroom.

The door's locked, and I sigh out in frustration.

"Nikki, open the door." I tell him calmly.

"Fuck off, Viv." He tells me for the hundredth time tonight.

"Open the door or I'm telling Doc." I threaten him, even though it's a complete lie.

"Tell him I want a divorce while you're at it." He snaps.

I don't say anything for a moment, and hear him sigh out, before he unlocks the door.

I step in, seeing him soaked in sweat, pale, the smell of vomit is potent and I try to keep a calm demeanor as he grips the side of the tub to help himself stand up.

He nearly falls, tremors spazzing through his body, but I'm quick to nestle under his arm and help him stay up.

"I just need some Jack." He tells me. "It'll help."

He doesn't sound like Nikki.

He sounds like a defeated child.

"Nikki, I don't think—"

"Okay, Viv, now isn't the time for your bullshit. Get me some Jack." He orders desperately, nearly pleading.

I get him on the bed, starting to tug his boots off, before pulling his shirt over his head, and unbuckling his belt.

"Never thought...I'd ever say this...but the last thing...on my mind right...now is...fucking around." He takes heavy breaths, squeezing his eyes closed and groaning when I get his pants off.

"Yes, because seeing my husband in so much pain really turns me on." I sarcastically let out.

"I'm cold." He tells me, his hand gripping mine.

I pull the bed covers over his naked body, glancing at my necklace he's still wearing.

"I'll get you some Jack." I say, stepping to the phone on the bedside table and ordering his necessity.

I turn back to face him once I'm done, and he's curled up and shivering, and he's kicked the blankets off of him.

"Nikki?" I ask, furrowing my brows.

"I'm hot." He cracks out, shot eyes looking at me, teeth chattering together despite his tight jaw and wet, black hair clings to his soaked skin that seems to be turning transparent.

That moment I realized I was married to a junkie, and Nikki realized he had become the very thing he had been in denial of becoming.

Neither of us said a word to one another about our revelations.

The alcohol and pills they managed to score kept Nikki's roaring withdrawals at bay and allowed him to play his illness off as the flu throughout the rest of the Japan tour, and the second we got home, he was phoning every dealer he could get a hold of.

One I had never met before, Jason, was the first one to come to his aid and it didn't take me long to come to the conclusion I would inevitably have to kill that motherfucker to keep him away from my husband.

He just wanted our money, laying out an elaborate display of everything from cheap tar to clean China White, cocaine, and a pharmacy of prescription pills.

I always left to "go to the store" anytime Jason came over.

Once I was practically having a full on emotional affair, I would go find Duff but before any feelings for him emerged, I would just drive my car around the corner of the street going by the house, pull into the driveway of a half-way burnt down house, and cry.

My husband, my Nikki, was destroying himself from the inside out, and the more I tried to do help him get better, the worse he got.

Every time I prayed for him, his demons would hold tighter to his legs and keep him shackled in place with a needle and lies that weighed him down and made him feel the need to do the only thing that made him happy, even if only temporarily.

By the end of '87, I was exhausted. I had been screaming, crying, pleading, for years for someone to do something, for someone to threaten the band, threaten them individually, get them off the road, at least try to start a conversation addressing their obvious addictions...

But they were making everyone above them money. That's all that mattered.

I was screaming into a void, and nobody could hear me. Well, they could...they were just ignoring me which was even worse.

I don't know how the hell I managed to face the same thing with Duff and his band years later.

I step into the house once Jason is gone, seeing Nikki by the fireplace, laying on the carpet, and I go to lay beside him.

We've been back from Japan a few days, and they're suppose to be preparing for their U.S. tour starting in a couple weeks.

Nikki's been in heroin land ever since we have gotten home.

And I've been in my own personal hell, being that I just added a third picture to my dead baby drawer as of yesterday.

I would go to a doctor to see if there's something wrong with me to prompt not ever making it past week twelve, but Nikki would find out somehow, someway. I've already risked enough as it is by going to the obstetrician.

"Babe," I nudge him and he opens his eyes just enough to show his pinpointed pupils, and he hums a little. "I gotta go get Tansy from the airport."

"Mmkay." He mumbles, and I force myself not to cry, remembering how miserable he was in Japan, and now we've gotten back and he's back to square one.

Was it really square one if he never wanted to move to square two in the first place?

Tansy gets into my car, wearing what I'm assuming she wore when they taped her interview with David Letterman hours ago, while a security guard puts her stuff in the trunk.

"Well." I say, looking at her as she lays her head against the back of her seat and looks at me from behind her sunglasses. "How did the interview go?" I ask and she tugs off her heels.

"I don't know." She tells me and I furrow my brows. "The bits and pieces I remember were great." She sounds like she's about to cry.

"Were you...?" I trail off and she moves her fingers under the blacked out lenses and sniffles. "Babe, it's not anything to cry about."

I grab at her hand as she starts crying even more.

"I bombed it, Viv." She says with certainty.

"Tansy, if you don't even remember it, how do you know for sure you did a bad job?"

"You know how I act when I'm fucked up."

"I also know, by the grace of God, somehow, someway, you manage to differentiate between a setting you need to be more composed in, and a setting you can be wild in. Even when you are stoned out of your mind. I have seen you do it." I assure her. "It's really freaking creepy."

My comment has her chuckling a little and she wipes at her tears again.

"It will be okay. I am sure you did great. And if you didn't you can just do what I do when I'm not acting normal and blame it on Mötley Crüe."

None of us, not even Tansy herself, knew why or how she scored an interview with David Letterman, but we were all proud of her nonetheless, even if she couldn't remember much of it.

"Sparkie said Japan went good." Tansy says after we're driving for a couple minutes.

"Yeah."

"Thank you for letting him go. I know you aren't the biggest fan of him." She adds.

"I didn't let him go. The guys insisted he went because they needed someone to find them drugs." I state.

"Point is, he went. And he had fun. So thank you." She replies.

"I only tolerate him because I love you." I tell her.

"I know, and I—" she presses a quick kiss to the back of my hand. "—love you, too."

I rub my lips together and get an idea.

"Would you be up for a girl's night?" I ask.

"What do you have in mind?" She asks and I raise my brows.

In hindsight, it was probably a bad decision to introduce Tansy to Guns N' Roses while she was still addicted to drugs and alcohol, because all it did was create toxic friendships that thrived on the struggles of everyone involved.

Tansy was very easily influenced by other people, but I figured if she had survived that long being friends with Nikki, Tommy and Vince, she would be just fine around Duff, Axl, Izzy, Steven and Slash.

Tansy and I make our way through the crowd, hand in hand, lacing through people and eager groupies.

She's heard me talk about them every now and then but now she has the opportunity to see what the hype is about.

The Troubadour is packed out, and a sense of pride swells in my chest.

"They must be good." Tansy comments, glancing around.

Normally at least one person would have already asked for her autograph or a picture of her, but everyone is too distracted by the anticipation of the band that's been tearing up and down the strip ever since Nikki, Tommy, Vince and Mick set the bar so high.

They're not even onstage yet, before all lights in the place shut down, and Axl let's out one of his infamous screams that somehow mimics a melodic siren.

The crowd goes quiet for a split second before realizing it's him, then they start screaming, clapping, stomping their feet.

The lights come back on to reveal Axl, Duff, Izzy, Slash and Steven, picking up into the fast paced rhythm of "Anything Goes."

With teased hair, heavy glam-rock influenced outfits and makeup, mixed with their sound, it's safe to say there isn't one dry vagina around...including Tansy, who's eyes don't leave the singing red head for the rest of the night.

Back stage is crowded, but Tansy and I manage to be the first females in their dressing room by the time their set is completely finished.

She's already broken into their Jack and Vodka stash, guzzling from both bottles simultaneously, and I look at her like she's crazy because I know it's got to hurt her throat.

"What?" She asks me, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"You are a crazy person." I state just as the door opens, revealing Slash and Steven first, girls under each arm.

"Hey, Viv!" Steven pipes, smiling widely and Slash looks confused for a moment before realizing the blur standing before him is indeed Vivian.

"Hey, Viv." He repeats what Steven said.

Steven does a double-take really quick, seeing Tansy, his hand patting at Slash as he stands, starstruck. It's a domino effect.

First Steven, second Slash, third Duff, then Izzy and lastly, Axl.

Except Steven, Slash, Duff and Axl are frozen because Tansy Lyn is standing before them. I'm sure Izzy appreciates her beauty and participation in Playboy for the last four years, but he's more worried about her breaking into their alcohol.

"Man, that's Tansy Lyn." Steven states.

"Drinking our booze." Izzy adds and Tansy guiltily puts it back where she got it, smiling.

"Hi." She says to them, and they immediately pretend they weren't just remembering what her naked body looks like.

Steven, as always, is the first to make himself known to a beautiful girl, extending his hand to her.

"I'm Steven." He tells her.

Slash is shyly hiding behind his curly hair the best he can as Steven puts an arm around him.

"This is Slash." He adds.

"The grubby fingered alcoholic is Izzy." I tell her as he lights a cigarette.

"Read this grubby finger, Viv." Izzy states blankly, flipping me off and I hold back a laugh.

"I'm Duff." Duff introduces himself next, and Tansy has to look up so high, her head is tipped completely back before shaking his hand.

Axl doesn't introduce himself, he just stands and stares at her for a moment, black sunglasses blocking our eyes from his.

"Axl." Is all he says before grabbing the bottle of Jack, grabbing one of the girls Steven and Slash walked in with, and leaving.

"He's not an asshole seventy-five percent of the time." I try to defend him against her as she looks like her feelings have been hurt slightly.

"But when he is an asshole, just avoid him for a few hours and stay out of his way." Duff scoffs out, grabbing the bottle of vodka.

They all knew that piece of advice too well.

Not entirely sure how we ended up back at mine and Nikki's house, but Nikki wasn't home, and probably wasn't going to be home until early morning, so Duff, Steven and Tansy were all in my house.

"If you break a mirror, you buy it!" I call out to Steven and Tansy as Duff and I have our legs dangling in the pool water, hearing something breaking inside the house through the open french doors that lead into the kitchen.

Duff blows smoke out of his nose, laughing at Tansy and Steven calling back, "We didn't!"

"Jesus." I mumble, grinning to myself and Duff joins in with me, laughing harder at me as "Get Down Tonight" starts blaring through the speakers in the house.

Tansy has officially met her match.

"I'm glad they get along." Duff says smoothly.

"They both like weed and the same music taste. Seems like a beautiful friendship to me." I shrug and he smiles.

There's a pause in the air, and he keeps looking at me.

"What?"

"There's dancing trophies in your house." He tells me and I raise my brows, remembering the day Nikki had demanded my hard earned proof of years dedicated to such a difficult art form, be put on display on a shelf right next to his awards for Gold and Platinum records.

"Yeah? I told you I use to be a dancer." I reply.

"I thought you meant you were a stripper." He confesses and I widen my eyes, elbowing him gently.

"No!"

"Well, I'm sorry! You're married to a rock guy, you said you use to be a dancer, rockers and strippers go hand-in-hand. It's, like, written in stone or whatever." He tells me.

"Oh my gosh, Duff." I rub my face and he finishes his cigarette before pulling out another one.

"So, why don't you do it anymore?" He asks and I think for a second and lick my lips.

"It just wasn't really..." I trail off and he furrows his brows. "...I guess after over a decade of dancing, after graduating, it just wasn't my thing anymore. I just moved onto bigger and better stuff."

"What's your thing now, then?" It's obvious he doesn't buy my explanation.

"Being Nikki Sixx's wife." I admit and an odd silence falls over us.

"You gave up school--Julliard--and dance, only to be known as somebody's wife?"

"Well, damn, Duff, when you say it like that..." I try not to be hurt because I know he doesn't mean any ill will from it and he immediately starts apologizing.

"I didn't mean it like that." He tells me. "It's just a waste of talent if you never utilize it anymore. You can't just be dependent on being Nikki's wife, Viv. You need your own thing."

I wanted to tell him I couldn't afford to be anything but Nikki's wife, or else I'd lose everything.

Nikki's home sooner than I expect as I get ready for bed.

Steven, Tansy and Duff are all asleep on the living room floor, and Nikki comes into our bathroom to splash water on his face.

"The fuck is in our house?" He asks me and I raise my brows.

"Why're you home this early?"

"Jason's coming over." He tells me. "And he's bringing his girlfriend."

"Umm, baby, it would be nice for my friends not to wake up and be met with a drug dealer naming off poisons like an auctioneer."

"Tell them to fuck off." He mumbles, digging through his pockets of the clothes he was wearing yesterday. "Have you seen the check?" He asks me and I raise my brows.

"The check from the label for the Japan tour?" I ask and he nods. "You asked me to cash it yesterday and I did."

"Okay, so where did you put it?"

I step to my top drawer and hand him the stack of cash and he starts thumbing through it, his brows furrowing when he stops halfway through.

"The check was for $150,000, Viv. Where's the rest?" He snaps and I cross my arms.

"You said put 20% in savings and told me I could give 10% to tithes." I remind him, and he looks like he is going to murder me.

"You gave fifteen fucking thousand dollars to a church?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!" He seeths, his face twisting angrily.

"You told me I could Nikki." I try not to get upset. "I asked you and you said—"

"—I said 'yes' because I was fucked up and wasn't thinking, Viv!" He yells, throwing the pile of cash across the room, causing bills to fly everywhere. "And that's exactly why you waited until you knew I couldn't pay attention to care enough about what you were saying because you knew I would laugh in your face if I were sober!" He accuses me.

"Is it so bad if your money goes to something other than drugs?" I stupidly ask him.

He's lunging at me, grabbing my wrists, and pinning me to the bed while screaming in my face.

"That's my fucking money! Mine! How I want to spend it is my fucking business, Vivian!" He shakes me, and I can no longer hold back tears. "You're gonna go tomorrow to that fucking shit hole and tell those fallacious bastards you need that $15,000 back!"

"Nikki, I already told them it was their's." I try to explain, shaking my head a little, sobbing so thickly I'm not even sure he can understand me.

"You'll get my fucking money back or I'll give you something to fucking whine about." He threatens darkly.

He shoves himself off of me and storms out of the house, slamming the front door.

I go to make sure he didn't wake Tans, Stevie, or Duff up, but to my horror, Tansy and Steven are sound asleep while I hear the door slam a second time and realize Duff followed Nikki out.

#nikki sixx #tommy lee #vince neil #mötley crüe #the dirt

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jaxl-road · 4 years

Text

Scar Tissue, chapter 8

One step forward...

Pairings: Slash/Duff, side Axl/Izzy, side Steven/Vince

Warnings: ((not in this chapter)) Implied/discussed past abuse (non-explicit)

~~~~~~~~

The next three weeks were… interesting.

Don’t get him wrong, Slash was over the moon. He no longer had to restrain himself around Duff, was finally allowed to run his hands through his hair and hold him and kiss him and lace their fingers together anytime he was in arms reach. It had been years since his last serious relationship, but he knows it didn’t feel like this.

On top of that, Guns N’ Roses was making waves again. With each show they played the crowds seemed to get bigger and wilder, and they were starting to snag better dates and times at the bigger venues. They were starting to actually make a decent amount of money from their shows. At night, as he fell asleep with Duff in his arms, he felt like everything was falling into place.

But…

At the same time, Slash couldn’t help but feel a little lost. Because something didn’t feel right.

Duff seemed happy, smiling into their kisses and playing with Slash’s curls and bursting with energy on stage. But he was also drinking even more than usual- bottle always in reach, almost never anywhere near sober- and he still jolted awake from nightmares, and there always seemed to be an apology on his lips.

And then there was the other thing…

“You guys haven’t fucked yet??” Steven gaped, slamming his beer down loudly on the table.

Slash groaned, putting his head in his hands. He and Steven had the house to themselves that night, and had decided that they were overdue for a hangout. As they drank and smoked and laughed, sitting next to each other on their beat up couch, the conversation inevitably veered towards their love lives, the two friends rambling about their boys happily. That is, until Steven joked about his and Vince’s bedroom activities, and then asked about Duff and Slash with a wiggle of his eyebrows, and Slash could only stutter out a “well, actually-”

Steven shook his head in disbelief, “How? It’s been weeks, and you’ve been wanting to climb that boy like a tree since day one.”

“I know, I know,” Slash sighed, “It’s… hard to explain.”

“Try.”

Looking over at the drummer, Slash saw that his friend actually had a look of concern on his face, frowning thoughtfully. It was easy to forget sometimes that Steven was more than just the sunshine goofball he appeared. He and Slash had been best friends since their childhood, and if there was anyone Slash could talk to about this, it was him.

So, taking another swig of his beer, Slash started talking, “It’s like… most of the time, we’re fine, right? Like, other than getting kinda blushy, he doesn’t mind PDA or anything that much. But when we’re alone, he just… doesn’t seem that into it, I guess?” He sighed, “And that’s not even getting into the fact that he’s almost always wasted by the time I get him alone, and that just makes me feel… gross, y’know?”

“Yeah, I get that,” Steven nodded sympathetically.

“Uuuuuuugh,” Slash dropped his head onto the coffee table in front of them, “Maybe he doesn’t really like me. Or thinks I’m unattractive. Oh my God, Steven, Duff thinks I’m ugly-”

“Oh, shut up you idiot,” Steven rolled his eyes, even as he reached out to pat Slash on the back, “Maybe he’s a virgin or something,” he shrugged.

Slash sat up, frowning in consideration, “Huh. I hadn’t thought about that.”

“Yeah, just because we had a promiscuous youth doesn’t mean he did.”

“But he’s had a boyfriend before,” Slash pointed out.

“Yeah, but wasn’t he an asshole?” Steven argued, “Maybe they never got to that point. Duff definitely likes you a lot, but he’s also a nervous fucking dude, so, y’know,” he shrugged.

“That’s… actually a good point,” blinking in surprise, Slash leaned back as he thought more about it.

Meanwhile, Steven grinned, “See? You just needed some wisdom from your much smarter friend.”

“Oh fuck off,” Slash laughed. But he did feel better. After all, he didn’t mind taking things slow (what’s a few more weeks of long showers? He’d live), he had just been feeling insecure. With this new theory in mind, he felt like he could relax a little.

For that reason, he was in especially high spirits when he pulled Duff against his chest the next morning, “Hey, you have today off, right?” The bassist hummed and nodded, so Slash grinned, “Then we’re definitely due for a date. We need some time away from all the other couples,” he joked. Not that he didn’t love his friends, but Axl and Nikki especially always seemed to get a kick out of fucking with them. (Or rather, fucking with him.)

Duff grinned, “Sounds good to me,” he kissed Slash lazily, “What did you have in mind?”

Up until now, their dates were pretty standard- usually bar hopping, grabbing cheap food, seeing a movie or a show or something like that. “Not that I don’t love our usual outings,” Slash drawled, “but let’s do something different.”

“Like what?”

“Uuuuh,” Slash blinked at the ceiling, “I have no idea,” he smiled as Duff laughed. He tried to think of something, Duff burying his face in the crook of Slash’s neck, seemingly unconcerned with Slash’s dilemma. He poked at the blonde’s shoulder, “You have any ideas?”

The only response was silence, which Slash had learned meant that Duff definitely had an idea, he just didn’t want to say it. Sitting up swiftly, Duff rolled to the side with a soft “oof”, allowing Slash to look down at him with a grin.

“What do you want to do?”

Blushing, Duff scoffed, “I don’t know, whatever you want to-”

“No, no, no,” Slash interrupted, “You have an idea, I know it. Come on, pleeeease?” he whined.

Duff bit his lip lightly, hesitating for a minute before finally admitting, “It’s supposed to be nice today, and… I’ve always wanted to go up to the Hollywood sign,” he was quick to add on, “But seriously, it’s just a thought, we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

While that was certainly not the suggestion Slash had expected, it only made him grin wider, “No way, let’s do it!” He hopped out of bed enthusiastically, “Y’know, I’ve lived in Hollywood most of my life and I’ve never been up there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I guess when you live in a place long enough you kind of forget to do the touristy stuff.”

Sitting up, Duff stared down at his lap, “Oh, yeah. I mean, it’s probably stupid, I just-”

“No, no!” Slash cut in, “I meant that that’s why it’s a cool idea,” he clarified.

He hated that after all this time, Duff still looked surprised when Slash showed any sort of approval towards him. He hated it, and he didn’t understand it, and he didn’t know how to ask about it. As such, he was a little relieved when Duff quickly shook off the surprise and gave him a sly grin.

“Not to mention I doubt there will be anyone around to bust us if we have a couple open containers.”

“I like the way you think,” Slash laughed.

Before long, they were both pulling on some boots and shoving a variety of bottles and a few joints into a beat up backpack. It wasn’t exactly early by the time they left, nearing noon, but still early enough that the rest of their housemates were still confined to their own rooms, allowing them for a clean getaway.

Duff was right that it was a nice day outside. The sun was shining, but there was a cool autumn breeze, and the odd hour on a weekday meant the bus was practically empty when they hopped on. That didn’t stop them from sitting in the very back, stretching their legs out across multiple seats and talking shit about random people they would see on the sidewalk and occasionally sneaking sips from a bottle of whiskey.

Needless to say, the bus driver was happy to see them exit when they reached their stop. When they reached the start of the trail through Griffith Park, Duff turned to Slash with a grin.

“We should think of a drinking game.”

Slash snorted, “What, like, take a shot every time we see a lizard or some shit?”

“You would go straight for lizards,” Duff laughed, elbowing him playfully.

“Alright then,” Slash continued, “One shot every time we see a lizard, but THREE shots if I can catch one,” he grinned deviously.

Duff hummed in consideration, “...Fine. BUT, you can’t take it home with you,” he bargained, giggling when Slash whined.

“Where’s the fun in that? Tell me you wouldn’t kill to put a lizard in Axl and Izzy’s bed.”

“I think they would kill you.”

“Hm, it’d be worth it though.”

Starting their trek, they were happy to find that the off-season left the trail open and empty, and wasted no time in passing a joint back and forth as they expanded the rules of their drinking game. Pointing at random things mostly as an excuse to take a swig from the bottles held in their hands.

“Shot every time you see a broken bottle!”

“Shot every time a plane goes by!”

“Everytime you hear a crow!”

“Everytime you see a rock with graffiti!”

“Everytime-”

“LIZARD!”

Duff jumped at Slash’s exclamation, the guitarist leaping forward drunkenly and diving to the ground in a clumsy attempt to catch the small reptile that had crossed their path. The whiskey left him uncoordinated though, and he landed roughly on the ground, the lizard scurrying away into the brush.

Laughing heartily, Duff nearly dropped his vodka as he staggered forward, tugging at Slash’s arm to help him back to his feet, “I thought you were good with reptiles?” he teased.

“Yeah, well, it’s an inverse correlation to my sobriety,” he replied sheepishly, dusting off his clothes and picking up his whiskey bottle from the ground where it had fallen. Luckily only a little had spilled, the bottle being half empty anyway, so he wiped the dirt from the top and declared it good enough.

As they continued their journey, Slash reached out to lace their fingers together, swaying their arms between them as they continued up and up the hillside, Duff ducking his head with a shy smile. They took their time, the alcohol and weed keeping their pace leisurely as they laughed and giggled at practically everything, stumbling when they tried to walk as Slash pulled Duff closer, wrapping an arm around his waist and nearly tangling their legs together mid step.

Before they knew it, they were standing at the end of the trail, looking down at the Hollywood sign and the expanse of the city below them.

“Wow…”

The view was gorgeous, but Slash only looked for a moment, too distracted by Duff’s wide eyes, awe and alcohol blending as he smiled excitedly down at the landscape. Tugging the bassist’s hand, they carefully made their way through the brush down the hill. Once they were in the shade of the ‘H’, they slid to sit on the ground, and Slash wasted no time pulling Duff into a kiss, feeling like he hadn’t gotten nearly enough of them today. Duff smiled against his mouth, leaning against the sign behind them as Slash pressed against him.

They lazily exchanged whiskey and vodka kisses, hidden in their own little world behind their city’s landmark. Eventually they broke away when Slash’s stomach growled loudly, Duff laughing as Slash ducked his head in embarrassment. Pulling a handful of granola bars from their backpack, they ate quietly, enjoying the companionable silence while Slash rested his head against Duff’s shoulder.

Eventually, they felt rested enough to start making their way back down, abandoning their games in favor of simply drinking and smoking leisurely while Slash rambled about all the parties he’d been to with his parents across the freeway on Mulholland Drive. By the time they were getting onto the bus again, the sun was beginning to set, and while they were both tired and half drunk-half high, they agreed that junk food was in order.

Hopping off at a stop near a diner they both liked, Slash grabbed Duff’s hand again, grinning happily as they chatted. The blonde was smiling easily, his body relaxed, and while he wasn’t sober, he wasn’t as wasted as he had been the past few weeks. Maybe Slash had been overthinking it, worrying about nothing. Duff seemed fine now. Maybe he had just been overreacting like Steven said.

But then, just feet away from the diner, someone approached the two musicians. And Duff sucked in a breath, freezing in place as a voice called out behind them.

“Michael?”

#It's starting folks #Scar Tissue #my writing #Guns n Roses #gnr #guns n roses fanfiction #sluff #slash #duff mckagan #duff/slash #next few chapters might be a bit shorter but hopefully I'll get them out quicker #writer's block is a BITCH #get ready for 'Slash and Duff Roller Coaster Shit-Show Weekend'

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enthusiasticsobrietyabuse · 3 years

Text

From a Crossroads Counselor - Circa 2005. Originally posted OnTheEmmis.com, a survivor discussion forum.

For those parents that still defend the program:

I was a Crossroads staff member

I created an illusion that your child was seriously ill

I created an illusion that I was your only answer

I preyed upon your fears and doubts

I took your money

I convinced you that you had no idea how to parent your

child

I fabricated a relationship between you and your child

I taught your child how to manipulate you in ways they never imagined possible

I ushered your child into years of irresponsibility

I walked your child out of school

I molded your child’s belief that African American’s, Jews, Christians, disabled, overweight, etc. were “less than”, “unworthy”, “paying dues from a past life”, “are second class citizens”

I feed them fear of the outside world and fostered dependence on me and the program

I reformed their vocabulary

I took advantage of your house

I made racism and being a bigot the “righteous” way, the “right way” and the “superior” way for your child

I encouraged your 15 your little girl that she needed to have sex with her boyfriend

I breed mistrust in you and your child about doctors, teachers, the government and any other person in a position of authority outside of the program

I had you take your child off of medications, pull them out of school, excuse them from family events, break ties with the outside world, showed you that smoking cigarettes, staying out all night, committing crimes in the name of enthusiastic sobriety was OK and that the bills you had to pay in order for them to continue to do these things was your responsibility as a parent, that you owed it to your child.

I hid these from you and told you that your child being sober was the most important thing in life

I had your child hug you and say “I love you”, because I knew that is what you needed and as long as you were given that, I could continue to do what I was doing.

I had you manipulate other parents into trusting me

I showed your younger child how fun sobriety could be, many of them began to drink and use drugs so they could be a part of my group, I had you pay more so they could

I taught you how to do the “dirty work” for me, you were my tool, you did what I said, when I said it

When the time was right, I began to take your child from you

You were my puppet and so was your child

You believed that I had only good intentions, was doing only what was good you and your family, you believed this because I told you this.

When your child I left, I told you it was because they were fucked up and not willing, and most of time, I closed my door to you, I had taken all you had and I was done with you and I had no remorse for any of it

For those of you out there still defending the program...I was a Crossroads staff member.

I am sorry

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this-is-freeridge · 5 years

Text

The Air Between Us

Chapter Six: Mari makes some choices about her future and Spooky leaves her more confused than ever.

Warning: this fic deals with dark themes, including but not limited to teen pregnancy, rape, drug abuse, murder, abortion, underage drinking and underage sex.

Find all other chapters here

Sobriety hit Mari like a ton of bricks.

“Ruben?” she blanched, “what are you doing here?”

“I came looking for you,” he replied.

Mari snorted and rolled her eyes. “Only took eighteen years,”

Her father looked down, red-faced. “I guess I deserved that,”

“Mari,” Oscar said with a concerned frown, “just give him a chance,”

“He didn’t even bother, Spooky! I was starving and stealing money to pay the bills and staying up all night to make sure my own mother didn’t OD in her sleep or choke on her own vomit and he didn’t even bother to contact me to even see how I was! Why should I give him a chance now?”

“Because he’s here now,” Oscar said, giving her a look that was boring holes into her soul, “and he’s trying,”

Mari wanted to stay mad, not just because of Ruben but because she just laid her feelings on the line and Spooky stomped them down. This wasn’t her night. She wanted to say no and to make Ruben go away, and then she looked at Oscar and he was giving her that pleading look again. She couldn’t say no to that look and she hated it.

She made a mental note to work on her resolve.

“How did you even find me?” She asked with a sigh.

“Um,” Ruby’s voice was heard before he was seen. The shorter boy entered the room from behind Ruben, a sheepish look on his face, “that was kinda me,”

“I’ll give you guys some time,” Spooky said. He gestured the Martinez men into the room and then let himself out, closing the door behind him.

“So,” Mari said to Ruby, “spill,”

“There’s not much to say,” he said, raising his hands in an almost half-shrug, “I may have, on occasion - accidentally, with no intention to snoop - seen you texting Spooky. I called Cesar and asked if you were with Spooky but Cesar said Spooky was with him and apparently Spooky got all worried when Cesar said we were looking for you so he texted the other cholos to find you then when he heard you were at the party he found you and Cesar texted me and I told dad,”

“I thought you weren’t talking to Cesar?” Mari asked; she couldn’t keep up with these fourteen-year-old’s friendships.

“Cesar is still dead to us,” Ruby replied, “this was a one time only interaction because it was for a good cause,”

“Mari,” Ruben piped up, “I know you’re angry and you have a right to be, but please don’t run off like that. Geny and I were so worried when you didn’t come back. I didn’t even know where to start looking, I-”

“I’m not mad,” Mari interrupted, sensing his anxiety levels rising. “Not really,”

She was, but she knew it was over stupid things. She was mad that she never got to live the life she could’ve had if Ruben had tried. But it was been and done and couldn’t be changed and she just wanted a night to stop thinking about all of this bullshit that had been weighing her down.

She told Ruben just that.

“I’m sorry I ran off,” she said. “I was...overwhelmed, and jealous. Ruby, Mario, the twins; they all got to be kids! They got birthday parties and siblings and they got to go to school and they never had to worry about when they would get their next meal! I never had that and I was so angry that you didn’t look for me. I just wanted to feel like nothing mattered! I didn’t want to be Mari, just for a night,”

Ruben hung his head in shame. The action made Mari feel awful, guilt swirled in the pit of her stomach and made her feel sick. Was she being too hard on him? Too overdramatic?

“Not trying harder to have you in my life is one of the biggest regrets of my life,” he said. When he finally looked back up at her his eyes were shining with tears. “I’m so sorry,”

Mari felt tears spring to her own eyes. Things had been so full on - from finding him to meeting his family, her feelings for Spooky, finding out that Ruben had basically hidden her from everyone, now to him finally apologising. She felt as though a huge weight had dropped from her shoulders and shattered around her feet. She was done with feeling suffocated down - she was ready to be done with the drama and start again.

She flung herself off the bed and wrapped her arms around Ruben in a tight hug. He hugged her back, muttering another apology. She felt another arm snake around her back and she shifted to allow Ruby into the hug. It felt good and warm; it felt like family.

“I’m sorry, too,” Ruby said as the group-hug ended. “On behalf of me and my siblings. I’m sorry you never got any of that stuff, and that you never got to be a kid. We’re going to make up for all of that, starting with a kickass - butt, kickbutt - birthday party! When is your birthday?”

“Next Saturday,” Ruben answered for her with a smile, “July twenty-eight,”

Mari smiled back. “You knew that?”

“Other than your name it was the only thing I could get out of your mother,” he said with a nod. “Geny and I already got you a gift,”

“Next Saturday?” Ruby gaped, “I mean, that doesn’t leave me a lot of time to plan but that’s okay. I’ll rally the squad...Jamal, I’ll rally Jamal, and we can come up with something. Who are all your friends?”

“Uh...Spooky?” She offered.

“Okay, guest list pending,” he said to Mari with a smile and then turned to Ruben and uttered, “I’ll have to ask mom about that one, right?”

Ruben nodded and clapped Ruby on the shoulder.

“How about we leave the party planning until tomorrow? It’s been a long night and it’s late. We should be getting home, the streets aren’t safe this time of night,”

“But there’s no time to waste,” Ruby argued, but Ruben was already opening the door and pushing him out gently.

Mari saw Oscar standing beside the threshold as she exited the room.

“Were you eavesdropping?” She asked with a brow raised in curiosity.

“No,” he said, “I was just keeping an eye out,”

She nodded. Mari wanted to say more, about them and about that kiss, but she felt this may not be the time.

“Thank you for everything,” she said, “I’ll wash the shirt before I return it,”

“No rush,” Oscar shrugged, “it looks good on you,”

Mari didn’t reply, she didn’t know how. He was giving her all of these mixed messages - being so warm and caring to her and then yelling and going stone cold; pushing her away when she swore he kissed her back; letting it known he doesn’t want to be with her and then acting as though no one else can.

So she swallowed her feelings and stayed silent, only offering a wave and a small smile as she left with her father and brother.

Mari may have made a choice to forgive and forget that night of the party, but she made another choice, too. She needed her own life, one that wasn’t dictated by her mother or even Ruben. She had taken care of herself until this point, whose to say she can’t keep looking after herself?

She had decided to move out, into the world. Step one: finding a job. She had spent the day after the party working on a resume - Googling simple skills, learning them on YouTube and researching on Wiki-How before adding them to the resume.

She had woken up early the next day and put on her best jeans, dark gray, skinny and hemmed at the ankles, and her nicest top; a sleeveless, lemonade pink thing with a high neck that she stole for some stress relief after a particularly bad night at home. She never really wore it because of the memories attached, but it was cute and it fit well and it didn’t look old or worn. She tied her hair into a top-knot, brushed on some mascara and added some eyeliner to her lash line. The finishing touch was a swipe of lip gloss and she was feeling like a million bucks. She was beautiful, confident, put together - everything that she had always wanted to be - and she was ready to go.

There wasn’t a lot in Freeridge. Job opportunities were limited, but Lady Luck seemed to be on her side when she had gone to the little corner store. A tall, lanky boy with a deadpan face, glasses, too-big teeth and short curly hair stood behind the counter.

“Hello,” she put on her best smile as she approached him.

“What do you want?” He asked, completely monotonous.

“Uh, a manager, please?” She cursed herself for losing her mojo, but how could she be her best self if this guy was giving her nothing to go on?

He blinked, and then again: “what do you want?”

“A job,” she said firmly; she knew what she wanted and she was going to get it. She reached into her bag to grab a resume but the guy was already walking off. “Wait!” She called, “don’t you want a resume?”

He looked at her and then, “I’ll talk to the boss,”

“O-okay. Wait! I give great customer service and I’m a fast and enthusiastic learner! Please tell him that,”

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t her best sales pitch, definitely not the one she had memorised, but it seemed to get the job done because a few minutes later, the guy was back.

“When can you start?” He deadpanned.

Mari had to bite her cheek to stop from smiling too brightly but she was so proud of herself.

“Anytime - whenever - now!” She stammered. Maybe it was a little over enthusiastic, but she couldn’t contain her excitement. Not only was she on her way to moving out and being completely self-sufficient, but she even did this all on her own. She knew it before, she’d always known; Mari had her own back and she didn’t need anyone else.

“Great,” he said and then lifted the counter to let Mari through, “I’ll train you now. Can you work now until five?”

“Oh, uh, sure,”

When he said he would train her, Mari thought he meant the whole day, at the least. Instead, she got a 30 minute general guide that included using the register, when to restock and where to find the emergency taser in case of attempted theft by the Prophet$.

And then the lanky guy, Rico, just...left.

“I’ve been wanting to quit,” he had told her as he handed over his keys, “and the boss wanted me gone, he just needed someone to replace me. Thanks again, man,”

He told her not to bother the boss unless necessary and then he walked out the door.

She quickly discovered it wasn’t very busy here, which was probably for the best. To kill time, she was scrolling through Instagram - Cesar’s Instagram, to be specific. She would scroll until she found a picture of Spooky and then stare like a creeper. Oscar didn’t have his own Instagram and while Mari wasn’t surprised, she was disappointed. She was in too deep already, like a junkie that needed a fix and she couldn’t help but think that maybe this addictive personality was genetic - or at the very least, a learned behaviour.

The electric bell dinged, signalling a customer. Not seeing anyone, she continued her scrolling until a familiar voice greeted her.

“Mari?”

The girl in question all but threw her phone in fear he saw what she was looking at.

“Oscar, hey!” She tried to sound casual and happy but she’s sure it came out forced and awkward. What do you say to your only friend just days after you kissed them against their will?

“What are you doing back there?” He asked, nodding to where she stood on the other side of the counter.

“I work here now,” her smile was genuine this time, “I’m going to save to move out,”

Oscar’s brows knitted together and he stepped closer, slamming his items on the counter harshly.

“They kicking you out? Not treating you right? Mari, I swear, if they’re causing you shit, I’ll-”

“Oscar! It’s nothing like that. I just want more freedom, you know? And I figure since I’m nearly eighteen...no time like the present and all that shit, right?”

He seemed to calm down at this.

“Yeah,” he said, “your birthday next Saturday, I heard,”

She didn’t question how he found out as she assumed he had heard it when Ruben mentioned it the other night.

“Ruby wants to throw me a party. Will you come?”

He raised a brow in question. “Ruby didn’t tell you? Shit. I can’t, Mari. I’m...not allowed,”

Mari laughed out loud. “Not allowed?”

“Ruby talked to me, he said Geny doesn’t want a convicted felon in her house. I may be a cholo but I gotta respect that,”

Mari’s blood boiled. Her only friend, the only person who has really looked out for her, isn’t allowed at her birthday party because Geny has a prejudice against him. The two women were just starting to get along and Mari didn’t want to ruin that, but can she really just sit by and let Geny dictate her relationships like that?

Did Mari even have a relaxing with Spooky anymore? They hadn’t spoken since the party. Mentally slapping herself, Mari told herself to get over it. She was getting too in her emotions and she needed to snap out of it.

Opting for some small talk, Mari looked at the items he had set down between them. A six-pack of beer and a family bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

“Big night with the boys?”

She meant it as a joke, but he became sheepish as he handed her some money. The doorbell rang again and a leggy blond, much closer to Spooky’s age and almost definitely not a virgin, walked in.

“Not the boys,” he muttered, mostly to himself. The blond girl’s heels clacked against the floor as she walked and every step was pounding the same message into Mari. Not. Enough. For. Him.

Something about her was familiar, too. After what felt like a year in slow motion, the girl reached Spooky and comfortably draped herself over him. When she looked Mari up and down, that’s when it hit her - this was the blond girl from the party. Mari was so embarrassed, she felt so small and intimidated and stupid, she wanted to disappear.

“Spooky, I’m sick of waiting in the car,” she said, “what’s taking so long?”

“I’m almost done. Go wait,” he spoke to the blond but he wasn’t looking at her. He wasn’t looking at either of them, but Mari could swear she noticed him throw her a glance.

The blond huffed and stomped a foot. “I’m not just some hyna you can boss around, you know!”

“Then leave,” he snapped.

The blond pouted, looked at Mari and then back at Spooky.

“I’ll be in the car,”

And then she was gone as though she didn’t just flip Mari’s perception of the world upside down.

She didn’t know what to say. Not only had she kissed her friend but that friend wasn’t even single. She had read the signs completely wrong - he wasn’t interested in her at all! Was she a homewrecker? How could she fix this? She was always too emotionally vulnerable for her own good. She felt things too fast and too hard and she could never bottle things up. It was like her mouth and her heart worked faster than her brain so her feelings were never masked.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted. When Cady Heron talked about word vomit, Mari knew exactly what she meant. “I never should’ve kissed you like that, I didn’t know you were...you know, involved,”

He didn’t look at her either. Was he ashamed for not telling her?

“It was nothin’,” he said.

Mari could feel the word vomit threatening to spill at any second. She may not have known about the girl, and she may have fucked up royally, but it wasn’t nothing to her. She had feelings for him and she thought he might have something for her.

“Spooky, do you believe in love at first sight?” She wanted to smack herself the second it was said, but she couldn’t undo it now - may as well roll with the punches.

She snuck a glance at him and saw him shrug. She looked down as soon as he began to raise his head to look at her.

“Love is a chemical reaction in your brain,” he said, “easily triggered.”

She huffed a laugh at his answer. Of course he would say some smart, factual shit like that. If she had learned anything about him since the day they met, it’s that he was a lot more level-headed than people give him credit.

“Well,” she spoke softly like she was barely allowing the words to leave her lips. “I think you triggered my chemical reaction,” finding the courage to look at him, she offered a small smile, “I’m not saying I’m in love with you, but you did something to me when I met you. I like you. I think about you all the time and I get excited at the thought of seeing you, or even just talking to you. You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know because that kiss may have been a mistake but it wasn’t nothing,”

He nodded, but he looked sad. His dark brown eyes weren’t sparkling with mischief like they usually do and Mari suddenly wished she hadn’t said anything.

“Here’s your change,” she said, handing him some coins as she desperately changed the subject. “You should get back to her, she’s waiting,”

Spooky nodded again and wiped his face with a large hand. He grabbed his things and headed for the door.

He stopped before he left. There was a pained look on his face, as though Mari’s confession had affected him somehow. He was in his head - Mari was smart and beautiful, but she didn’t know what she was saying. The sensible side of him dominated and that side knew he couldn’t entertain those feelings; he wasn’t good for her, she was too young to get tied up in this life. Still, there was a devil whispering things in his war, too, and for just a minute that devil won over.

Right before he left, he paused and told her, “I’m not involved. And you look good,”

And then he was gone, like he was never even there,

Mari slumped and held her head in her hands. What the fuck did he want from her? There was something there, something electric in the air between - she could feel it whenever they were together, but he was giving her so many different signals.

Her phone rang and pulled her out of her thoughts and back into the present. She didn’t bother checking caller ID as she answered, expecting it to be Ruben asking where she is or Ruby quizzing her on her favourites as he planned her party.

“Hello?”

“Mari!” Ruby’s voice called from the other side, “quick, are you more of a strawberry or chocolate girl? And yellow-gold or rose gold? Oh! And edible glitter or gold flakes?”

“Strawberry, rose gold, gold flakes,” she rattled off, “done?”

“Done, thanks,”

She ended the call and sighed. She had to snap out of this funk that Spooky had put her in. Maybe it’s for the best that he wasn’t coming; maybe she just needed some time away from him in order to get over him.

The phone chimed again and she answered with a groan. She was at work and it was hard enough to stay focused with everything else that was on her mind, she didn’t need Ruby playing twenty-questions too.

“Ruby, I-” she started, but was immediately interrupted by a woman yelling.

“Mariana Martinez!”

Her mother’s voice rang out and Mari froze, feeling as though she was paralysed and trapped in a nightmare.

“Where the fuck did you g-”

Mari ended the call, set her phone to silent and shoved it in her pocket. She would remind herself to block that number when she got home.

As her heart raced and she started to distract herself with work, it occurred to her that she had answered the call with “Ruby”. That’s when Mari realised one thing: that’s all the information her mother would need to find her, and it was only a matter of time until she did.

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