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karenfordonte · 2 years

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omg dumb nightmare turned into best dream lol riri fixed it...yet again lol

fentybeauty posted that pic 4/18/22 see source at bottom for link

when posting this on tumblr on 4/23/22

i heard “karen” front door close “i’ll get her” (idk who’s voice that was)

Still editing this post/Rough Draft:

right before i went to sleep last night around 1 am cause i was laying down a while and couldnt sleep till after this part on the tv for a reason lol:

the tv said jesus wont go to jail it was christian music lol of a black choir like singing of a group and one of the lead singers? i wasnt really looking at it long but one singer looked like the mom in jays brokemas video but just the hair lol (im used to people doing me wrong lol so i was a little worried about what ifs lol then that song helped me)

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i kept waking up like 4 or more times last night i caught myself rubbing my belly when i woke up 2 or 3 times im like uh .......... i was doing that in my sleep hope it aint a sign lol but im against abortion i always gave god the say when i get pregnant or not so yeah

written 7:23 am 4/21/2022 i had a dream nikko from christas house threatened to beat me up if i dont give him a cig for some reason lol and when i said no and wanted to tell people on fb he made a bunch of gun noises and i thought it was a real gun so i hid behind the dresser and door in my parents old house my little kid room and my cell phone wouldnt call 911 then roger from the board and care the staff guy he and raphael some of the good staff there already stopped him and roger showed me rihanna's wedding dress she designed for my surprise wedding with her it was amazing it had wording all on it cut out very intricate kinda like a snowflake but better so i think it was gonna go on top of a darker color cause the cut out word part was all white and the left boob is the only part i was allowed to read it said "karen" lol and im like roger are you sure thats for me from rihanna to double and tripple check and he was laughing and saying yes lol

and when i woke up her voice told me "i'll get you soon cause you're used to just putting up with other people's bs" lol + more its more than that but omg im hoping lol

(i woke up a bit earlier the sun was rising i smoked then when i layed down i was nauseous but didnt dry heave lol so yeah)

ps the first xaara dream the valentines day one = when we were jumping from hotel room to hotel room it was just us im like oh duh lol

cause sometimes when the voice would be tricky of bs lol i felt forced at times to share elante with other people not our whole soul but i had to put puzzle pieces together and not be like .....look... some people believe jesus is all womens husband i saw it on my mom's fb pic she posted a jesus bible or bom quote about he's their bridegroom or somethin lol but before i thought i must be a jesus in the way of im really nice etc and loving and meek etc yeah the voice lied and i was really naive and young lol i was 17 it told me why do you not wanna give everyone sex energy when it can help their bodies not feel pain etc i was too like oh uh ok cause what got me was im too caring about others discomforts but i put together more and more how to know which voice vibes to trust but im still careful but im getting more progress with it as i age lol alot more like even i tried to force me to do my cliche jesus me character during hard times but i just cant stay addicted to even that guy lol im too addicted to elantes so yeah lol id rather have my fave person in the whole world my elantes as my only romance partners my real twin flames lol they are extentions of rihanna's selves when in true form lol so yeah

i am mainly addicted to only rihanna and skisst the most though for now i go slow lol

it cheers me up the most in the day when i can sense them in different ways :)

Escape The Fate - Friends And Alibis

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ok so i made a task board for keeping a schedule to do lists every day , i keep a calendar for things like appointments, i keep keep notes for notes like shopping lists and things like what to remember to ask the dr lol but also budgetting, and keeping track of cigs i smoke a day there too cause im too lazy to pre roll them out and i wanna keep track to make sure i budget right and not smoke too much i wanna keep it under 13 for sure each day for now but yeah lol i think i can do it cause theres some creepy bugs out there lol and i wanna be more productive here anyways lol been callin insurance etc updating addresses and number settin up rides etc lol

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riri song references funny ^ hints <3 im getting a short hair cut monday i want all the dyed parts gone lol i cant tell where that mark is but i'll ask lol but i want it very short anyways though lol i cant donate it cause it was dyed lol oh well its very healthy and thick now and the pony tail is around a ruler size and barely breaks when i brush it and no knots lol but i hate long hair care etc for me its too much of a hassle i love short 'boy' hair and not brushing it cause its short anyways lol and no heavy ass pony tail bs i dont like it in my face either lol etc since a kid so yeah

heard this one for the first time age 28 lol:

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oh btw that song taught me how to spell tear right i thought tare was the shredding definition and tear = cry ohhhhhh lol tearing = ripping etc i thought tearing = crying only lol lmfao its cause my tara dream in the dream im like how do you spell it teara? she said tara so it took me till later to add teara as an aka cause she cries alot like me especially of being in love in focus so sweet felt etc yeah it hits me so great at times mmmm especially here lol i think i cried 3 different days here already of how much love i have for elantes but if i focus on them alot id do that all the time i can feel them enough for sure im already getting wet eyed and smiley again mmmmm lol they know me too good lmfao

i think halsey is a skisst :)

omg i just looked up her tattoos right after: (the arrow of the two mouths kissing exactly what kwins fb banner was back when she met me first but her banner was a photo of 2 lesbians one lip biting saying "i wanna do bad stuff with you" lol i tried to google that pic before i cant find it lol )

which is basically what halseys other tattoo means lol:

halsey's tattoos:

mmmmhmmm thats her all right

oh a white butterfly fly on me today lol

and today i saw two spiders two different times in this day but i was saved by denise then joe lmfao denise killed one for me it was kinda next to me some then the other one was on the arm of my chair later and i got up so fast i dropped my phone lmfao good thing obama phones can get dropped alot lol and not break at all but yeah lol then i told joe later i cant sit in my chair and why so he inspected it all in front of me now i can sit there yay im spoiled

i took a nap just woke up at 6:47 pm man elantes are so hot lol i love when they soul sex = certain kind of love buzzes from gods to wake me up lol and then the tv said "when i woke up i saw the sun" that one song lol

oh oh it was this part my bad lol lol: "I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign" when i was little i always thought sign sad sun instead lmfao mmmmm Ace of Base - The Sign (Official Music Video)

i admit donte 'sleeps' a ton still but they woke me up right before my body took a nap they word stuff alot for me but know exactly how i am im a nicest sweetest innocent baby cliche only lol yes when they told me what happened before my nap i had to be emotional and roah had to take over then i slept lol

they mentioned this song to me: the "i dont even know how to hold it" - Atmosphere - Always Coming Back Home To You, to relate to that this morning dream with nikko:

Atmosphere - Always Coming Back Home to You https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WBee_bmGu4

in that dream like he had a machine gun and right when he was about to shoot me my darn phone wasnt working i was saved by raphael and roger lol (that dream morphed some of my life together when i was being chased by nikko when he was just gonna punch me at first i thought (i always was pretty generous with my cigs at times) it reminded me of being that young age of when i had that room it was that wildomar mobile home house i grew up in age 5 till age 16 or 17 we moved but my dad used to scare me alot just for his fun and chase me i hated that shit i would cry and scream and when nikko pukes he sounds exactly like my dad when he pukes every time

Atmosphere - The Woman With The Tattooed Hands https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-9nbwHQPKA

i had morning sickness only today again i ate breakfast and lunch a bit late to make sure my stomach was ready i do that in the mornings sometimes lol i got with feeling but i had a busy day with making sure my todo list was all checked off and so ima make sure i eat dinner cause im getting hungry again but a hole isnt 'puckered' anymore its able to open on its own now i noticed but still needed some help so i opened another laxitive package lol thats number 5 i wanted a break on the weekend from using them for different reasons till today but im sure ill be able to go easier probably tonight lol its still hard in there it was stuck lol so i thought one more is necessary so yeah

9:18 pm man wtf the butthole got swollen shut again i was so close it was normal then wtf happened man idk atleast i have a primary dr visit soon i googled if its a side effect of peg3350 laxitive i cant find anything so weird man

i didnt notice it was like 'glued' shut i used to call it till the end of being at christas house but i dont check it all the time so i just noticed the swollen non flat effect here

i know sometimes christa had chicken thawing out 4 days straight sometimes when mark wanted fast food in a row suprising her she never put it back in the freezer and sometimes it stank but she just said all she has to do is wash it in the sink and the heat when cooking kills the bacteria even though when she had the bag of raw chicken in the sink that whole time closed yeah but it still stank alot so she said she knew what she was doing so i trusted her but i dont wanna think about what ifs but i hope im ok

the poop is finally soft i had to manually take it out again yes washed hands and antibacterial hand sanitizer

but other than that its like still only a tiny bit in there im just gonna wait to try to go again till after i see the dr lol

when i got the endoscopy at first christa said i dont have to go if i dont want to but on the day of my appointment she told me i am going and she made us all breakfast though (she rarely makes breakfast or lunch we usually have to make those 2 meals ourselves)

im like wait after i ate just a piece of toast and she made me coffee im like im supposed to fast

and she still took me to go

she was honest with them that i ate that morning and so was i

they said ok we'll try to attempt it

but the anethesia usually doesnt hurt me but that one did really bad

but it knocked me out fast at least

after i got my diagnosis slow digestion the nurse said my digestion was probably marked slow because i ate a bit in the morning but

it seems hella slow though still

she said she got endoscopy before i mean come on

that stomach dr place was GI-Excellence in hemet

i dont think its utis i think it might be stomach infections then

cause on fb one of my last posts talked about a new wiping a certain way before peeing in cup technique not let it drip down the butt hole technique is barely any white blood cells so she said maybe infection maybe not

i think its stomach bacteria that was triggering the false utis most of the time

but its like why am i antibiotic resistant to alot that easily before cause she

possibly gave me fake antibiotics in my bottle

idk how many times per different type but

i know that cipro wasnt the right one based on the net

chicken was my least fave meal at that house but sometimes she made me eat it

even though nikko would never cook the fried chicken right always bloody he said he didnt know how to read their temp thing when it says chicken not a temp lol and most of the time she made nikko make the chicken dinners anyways but one time when it stank she had me help her cut the bones like snap it etc but i never knew how before but ew

they used a square cooker for chicken that wasnt fried and that one was never bloody chicken but um

christa told me drs call you if results are serious

my old phone would mark even when off who called

this new one dont but i set up my voice mail just in case

the endoscopy took a biopsy for suspected possible h. pylori but never called me so i wasnt concerned

and so i never went to the follow up visit

it says salmonella causes diareah so it would explain maybe possibly putting that in my food (her imodium)

cause im incotinent especially with diareah and pee . not really solid poop

the anti diareah pills she gave me her own prescription bottle of imodium but it doesnt match online pill descriptions but she was right 300 was the quantity on the lable she says she gets those all the time she had extra bottles in her room i only had diareah there 5 different times

most was when i first got to her house

the last 2 times was when i had sepsis those two times

since ive been incotinent it was hard so many times to pee in the cup i couldnt find the stream most of the time

but heavenly mother possessed me last time i went to urgent care showed me how to wipe and stand a bit lean forward and pee she was like "i'll show you how" alot of times the nurses dont remember to give me the wipe too so i know to ask every time now

i mean christa had an iphone and her screen used to be cracked but not no more cause those 3 times she told me to google how she can get rid of stuck painful gas her net on her phone wasnt working and i didnt feel like standing long anyways so i was like good i dont have to that was after i posted about my constipated contractions i called it cause it hurt so bad twice shes usually always watching videos on her phone she says she pays for data on her phone and at the time the wifi was working for those 3 times she asked me to do that

atleast i feel way better than being at her house though cause no nausea for whole days mainly only in the mornings thats it i had like only 4 days here of sick the first day, the second day i think, and those two times i slept most of the day all the other days morning sickness only but had one day off i think free from nausea i think that was day 3 possibly

i mean she told me in the beggining her friend used to work at kfc and they fed people green chicken they kept in barrels and used to cook the bacteria off and the green color out but she said thats why she dont like kfc but later she still bought us kfc when mark paid for it

i never liked the chicken in the square thing when nikko cooked it cause the skin felt too weird like raw like or chewy idk how to explain it but the inside was cooked but never seasoned right i need sauce for that shit to down it but often i just gave mine to someone else cause i dont crave chicken as a main dinner most of the time and it was im more of a red meat fan the most or good sea food like crab or shrimp or clam chowder or certain kind of oysters lol or bbq pork lol or good ham i told her i dont really like chicken that much since i was a kid but yeah lol i only like chicken with sauce or friend crunchy lol

they tried to feed blu their dog raw chicken at times but he never ate it till they cooked it they said

ugh i dont wanna think about that place right now bye

midnight: i tried going to sleep but

Rihanna - Stay ft. Mikky Ekko https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF8BRvqGCNs

i think i gotta shave my whole head lol i bought new soap and a new brush but my hair tie isnt washed but i hate long hair ugh some reason its still itchy usually not this much at this house still isnt as bad as the last house but ima throw away my old soaps and old brush oooo heavenly mother is putting god medicine on it lol cool it has a sudden anti itch cool refreshing effect soothing lol she told me i dont wanna know what made my scalp basically bleed the red hair dye and make my hair fall for that whole month out till i switched not using christas she gave me but like 2 boxes of different brands of hair dye etc doesnt sound like pro hair cutter she said she went to hair and make up school

lol one time there was a homeless man and a random lady look through our trash seperatley seperate days christa told me

so yeah fbi been on them

cause one time the dog control inspector guy in uniform came over to investigate if our dogs are housed good or not based on a complaint from someone anonymous but christa blamed it on her only neighboor marry cause she hates dogs barks sounds so much christa said she payed to have her dogs voice box removed but mary yelled towards the end when i was in the smoke room cause thats close to marys back yard she yelled "karen you are not harry potter" but its the same angry tone of voice she yells at her grandkids christa said those kids are in her back yard at sometimes i saw them jump on a trampoline too from the sun room before and heard them at times before from there but christa said she wanted to get back at mary by calling cps on her to get her gran kids taken away to get back at her

if mary is in on what christa was doing to me basically then she didnt call those dog inspectors lol they mustve been so paranoid in that case

one time christa said she took a key to a strangers car in front of us when he wasnt around cause that car was too slow im like oh....it was at ricks store with the milk sign on the front where she buys her mangoritas every day the parkinglot

then towards the end christa told me she wanted to get back at her surgeon by me giving her bed bugs i capture for her to realease them in i thought she was gonna say her surgeons office name but she said dr balu's office surprisingly im like uhm i have been putting them in a hand sanitizer bottle theyve been in liquid lol theyre dead lol it was true but im like i dont do shady evil shit you know

#Christa's Room and Board #Jane's Room and Board #Nicco's Board and Care

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sootonthecarpet · 4 years

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if it's not too much trouble to answer, can I ask what's been the going on with doctor who that's bad? I've seen little bits of it when my parents watch it in the other room but not enough to really get a good sense of it?

heyyy sorry to keep ya waiting on this. i tried to keep this as short as i could, but it’s about five paragraphs long, sorry. it’s not in any way a comprehensive list of problems with the last few seasons, just a quick tour of the moments i shouldve let be my ‘i can’t keep watching after this’ point. i wanted to write it objectively but i got pretty aggro, bc this show that in some part i genuinely adore has been producing unforgivably bigoted content. (it’s kinda a ship of theseus situation, except where the parts of the ship were replaced with worse, shittier, fake-woke parts.) i ask ppl to avoid reblogging this, because i don’t want my words to contribute in any way to online buzz surrounding this show or make anyone want to see it, even if ONLY to hatewatch or criticize.

content warning for misogynoir/antiblackness, racism, bury ur gays, some shit with nazi germany (yeah lol) and just the slightest kiss of antisemitism.

(edit: i seem to be having some problems with the read more cut. it’s there on dash view and when i edit the post, but doesn’t show on some instances of my blog. i can’t fix this but gksfkgls. wanted to at least be overt that i wouldn’t post this kinda long ranty stuff without a cut.)

in the last season where peter capaldi was the doctor, two seasons ago now, he had a new companion, Bill. she was a black lesbian and literally the only reason i started watching doctor who again. i loved her, and i was really glad to see the show moving back towards the more diverse cast of characters that we saw in the late aughts. then the season had a repeated theme of FORCING her to either repress or not feel her emotions. there are two scenes that stand out most to me. in an ep set in like, early 19th century london, she and the doctor are talking to a racist rich white dude who is being super nasty to Bill. the doctor keeps telling her to cool it and not show how angry she is. then HE gets to punch the guy out and knock him to the floor.

this theme of the white man being the only one allowed to get angry was big all season, iirc. then at the end of the season, Bill is turned into a cyberman. they’re usually like. soulless scary automatons, but some characters keep their individuality, which has been explored in a few past seasons, usually leading up to a tragic/heroic death. in Bill’s case, they did this trick with filming where we could see her perspective of herself in some shots–an intensely emotional performance, Bill was completely traumatized and her actress was working her ass off–and in others, just this metal body incapable of expression, scaring people like she was a monster and monotoning these otherwise very emotional statements. it’s an interesting narrative device, but after a whole season of this show putting Bill through all kinds of terrible shit and forcing her not to show her feelings on the matter, it hit me as like. this nauseating exaggeration of how society treats actual black lesbians as monsters and tries to make them bottle up their emotions and especially their justifiable anger. anyway, then Bill died and got to be with her dead girlfriend from her first episode. wow, cool.

idk what made me watch the season after that. i guess i wanted to see the new doctor, and i liked her companions (one was like. a young man with disabling neurological symptoms, tbh even if i’d missed Bill’s season that might have had me back on board). i had plenty of problems with how the season played out, obvs, but nothing was standout horrible to me the way the shit with Bill had been (except maybe the episode that started out like ‘space amazon is a hellhole’ and somehow ended with ‘space amazon was taken advantage of by a broken AI that hurt some people and they didnt fix the infrastructure we explicitly showed harmed their workers but now it’s fine!’ if that sounds weird and heavy handed with an unsatisfying ending, it’s because it was). the new season tho? the OPENING EPISODES OF THE NEW SEASON, THO? it opens with alexa product placement, in an episode about how a fictionalized google was actually run by a black man who had ties to a large number of aliens who had secretly infiltrated our society, altered our dna, and shit like that. so uh, 1. brand war lmao, sellouts etc etc 2. y’all remember those conspiracy theories about jews? and white supremacist beliefs that black people are ruining the world but aren’t smart enough to do it on their own so they must be agents of jewish corruption? HUH. HUH! that’s not even my big problem with the fuckin thing, but it’s FOR SURE a suspicious writing move from a tv show with suuuuch a huge viewership. (and it’s just plain embarrassing for a show with alexa product placement to try to go all scary panopticon tropes specifically @ a google analogue.)

anyway, we run into an old recurring antagonist, the master, a time lord like the doctor. he’s a guy again after having been a woman for a few seasons, and now played by an actor of color. i figure the reasoning at least partly relied on “dude, how fucked up will it be if we force the doctor’s black friend to call a white dude master” but i was immediately afraid it might go to the like…. Righteous White Woman Gets The Better Of Evil Brown Man tropes and oh boy!!!! i tried to be good and give it the benefit of the doubt until i saw something racist but it wasted no time. the doctor got stuck in the past at one point, and met the master, who was currently a military official with the third reich. oh boy. so she asks him why they let him work with them and he explains he’s using a device to psychically disguise himself, they see him as white. (we missed a great chance for him to monologue about how they were willing to bend their morals when they saw how evil he could get or something.) this was awkward enough for me as a viewer, but i wasn’t prepared to go into it, in case there was some tiny shred of nuance somewhere that would make this situation anything but a clusterfuck.

well, the doctor executes a genuinely clever scheme and makes a radio transmission to the brits that she knows won’t reach em, talking about how helpful this officer has been–setting up the master to be falsely outed as a double agent when the nazis intercept it. she tells the master this and then skedaddles, letting him be arrested by his own men. could be a satisfying karmic victory where he presumably gets a military trial and weasels out of his fate, although i don’t like the implications of a white woman punishing a brown man for racism. BUT IT DIDN’T STOP THERE! she disables his psychic filter, causing his men to see his true identity as a man of color–she exposes her oldest frenemy and Basically The Only Time Lord Who’ll Talk To Her to nazi racism when he was ALREADY about to fall into their hands as a prisoner. what could have been a marginally satisfying defeat was instead a kind of emotional horrorshow for me as i had to stop and wonder what kind of hell they’d put him through and why the writers decided that the doctor (who has literally since the show began in like the sixties been set up as an enemy of naziism via allegory and has always been firm in the idea that NOBODY, including literal maneating space monsters, deserves to be treated as less than human) would DO that. IT’S LATER IMPLIED HE ESCAPED FROM A CONCENTRATION CAMP. the narrative DOES NOT allow time for that to sink in before moving on.

i dont have a conclusion 2 this. im just hurt as fuck about it. i hope i gave u the info u were looking for without getting too deep into my personal feelings, but it’s difficult, maybe impossible to be objective about stuff like this.

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zzpopzz · 7 years

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Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story* I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

#toumaki #tweetdump #rant #poopask

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