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hysterialevi · 3 years

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Hjarta | Chapter 16

Fanfic summary: In an AU where Eivor was adopted by Randvi’s family instead, he ends up falling in love with the man his sister has been promised to despite the arranged marriage between their clans.

Point of view: third-person

Pairing: Sigurd Styrbjornson x Male Eivor

This story is also on AO3 | Previous chapter | Next chapter

A WHILE LATER

TEARS OF YMIR

Sigurd trudged through the snow-veiled woods, wishing desperately that he could veer off this path the gods had constructed for him. His mind was trapped in a perpetual state of fear, and the thoughts racing through his head only seemed to grow louder with every step he took.

He could feel it in his heart that Ulfar spoke the truth. There was merit in the accusations he threw against Dag, and Sigurd had even seen the man’s treachery for himself. He made it quite clear that he wasn’t on their side with the way he manipulated the assault at Kjotve’s Fortress, and the prince could no longer ignore the reality that was standing right in front of him.

But even then, Sigurd’s gut twisted at the idea of causing any harm to Dag. His entire childhood was formed of memories between the two of them, and he still saw him as the same little boy he once loved all those years ago.

He remembered the days they’d spend running around in the wilderness, only to end up covered in mud by the time they returned home. He hadn’t forgotten the way Styrbjorn would scold them for their reckless behavior, and how they’d make the exact same mistakes immediately afterwards.

The joy they shared, the sorrows they experienced, the burdens they had to carry -- it all stayed with Sigurd to this very day. He loved Dag like a brother despite the conflicts between them, and the thought of banishing him from Midgard tore a hole inside his chest.

But he was a leader now. A future king. With Ulfar dead, Sigurd would have to step up and protect the people he left behind. His position as prince would no longer be a mere title, and he would have to do whatever it took to keep his clan safe.

Even if it meant making a sacrifice as great as this.

“We’re here.” Sigurd said bleakly, stopping in his tracks once the waterfall came into view. He took a deep breath and gazed at the dreary environment, unable to even recognize the nature surrounding him.

This place once served as a sanctuary for the prince. It used to be a safe haven where he could take refuge when the troubles of his world proved to be overwhelming, and he often found a sense of tranquility in its earthly embrace. It always seemed to breathe with the spirit of the gods, and part of Sigurd even believed they walked with him sometimes when he ventured down this path.

Today though, the forest was barren of any life. The tragedies of the war had burrowed themselves into its very marrow, and it almost felt as if it could sense what was about to happen. The air was leaden with a suffocating anchor of dread, and it only seemed to crush Sigurd more and more the further he progressed.

He didn’t want to kill Dag. Every fiber in his being was screaming at him to stop.

Part of even him was even considering simply exiling the man in order to avoid further bloodshed. Deep down though, he knew that wouldn’t be enough. He knew that Dag would most-likely run back into Kjotve’s arms once he broke free from the judgement of his clan, and cause their people a plethora of problems that they didn’t need.

It seemed like death was the only option here, and Sigurd hated himself for it.

“...Sigurd,” Dag said, approaching the man from behind. “Will you tell me what we’re doing now? Why have you brought us all the way out here? Is this about what happened between me and Ulfar?”

The prince kept his gaze on the view before him, leaving his hand close to his axe. His back was currently turned to the other man, and yet, he felt as if he could detect his every move.

“...Do you remember the day we met, Dag?” Sigurd asked. “All those years ago?”

The warrior noticed how his friend skirted the subject, but said nothing of it for now. “Of course. How could I forget? I was what, ten years old? Maybe younger? I had just given you a black eye during a training spar.”

Sigurd chuckled softly at the precious memory. “Indeed. And if I recall correctly, it wasn’t too long beforehand that I was boasting about how easily I’d be able to fell you. I was the king’s son, after all. Nothing could touch me.” The prince smirked. “...It seems that arrogance was my greatest enemy back then. The day I met you was the day I learned humility. It was the day I gained a brother.”

Dag leaned against a nearby tree, crossing his arms. “And do you still feel that way?”

The other man paused, his voice hardening with a cold edge. “...Yes. But I suspect that the sentiment is no longer mutual.”

Growing restless with anxiety, Sigurd finally decided to put this game to an end and shot an icy glare at his childhood friend, practically boring through his skull. He approached the older man and looked him in the eye, trying to keep his breath as steady as possible.

“...Dag,” he whispered, “you know how I feel about you. We may not share the same blood, but you are my family. No matter how distant we may grow, there will always be a link between us. And I will always see you as my brother. That’s why... I need you to tell me the truth.”

Sigurd took a few steps closer, barely shifting his gaze. “...Are you the traitor?”

Dag scoffed at the question and shook his head, reluctant to give a direct answer. “You can’t be serious. You actually believe in the nonsense Ulfar was spewing?”

“I believe his words held merit,” the prince persisted. “You can call it nonsense if you like, but that doesn’t change the fact that you stand as an accused man.”

The warrior stammered for a moment, taken aback by the preposterous notion. “What are you talking about, Sigurd? You were there! You saw what happened. I defeated Ulfar in honorable combat. I cleared my name. Isn’t that enough?”

“Enough for the Allfather perhaps, but not enough for me. Everything Ulfar said was true. The way you handled the assault nearly got all our people killed, and I know you well enough to know that you’re too smart to make such a grave mistake. You did it intentionally.”

Still, Dag remained in denial. “I don’t believe this. You would trust the word of a paranoid old man over someone you consider to be a brother?”

Sigurd raised his voice slightly, unable to hide his anger anymore. “I trust what I see! And over these past few weeks, I’ve seen you do nothing but traipse through the shadows like a thief in the night, hiding like coward whilst our men died on the battlefield. I saw you return from Kjotve’s Fortress without so much as a scratch on your armor, and I saw the apathy in your eyes when they fell on Thora’s corpse.”

The prince’s expression darkened with ire. “You claim you are innocent, but innocence always speaks for itself. I see no good reason why I should question Ulfar’s accusations, and I doubt you can give me one. So I’ll ask again--” he leaned in, “--are you the traitor?”

Dag rubbed the back of his neck and glanced at the waterfall, furrowing his brow in disbelief. It was evident that he had something to say, but the stone shackles of pride hindered his ability to come clean.

“How do you know Ulfar wasn’t trying to save his own skin by throwing me to the wolves? He was in a much more powerful position than I. He could’ve done anything he liked and gotten away with it!”

“What reason could Ulfar possibly have had to turn against Arngeir? You really think he would’ve been willing to endanger Thora’s life? Or Eivor’s? He saw them as his own children.”

“Who knows? All I’m saying is -- he was awfully quick to pass judgement on me. We had hardly set foot on Bjornheimr’s shores, and he was already prepared for a fight. The way I see it, Ulfar wanted to use me as a scapegoat. He was the jarl’s right-hand man, after all. He knew he could’ve said anything about me without raising suspicion. I mean, just look at how easy it was to fool you.”

Sigurd’s glare only sharpened at that. “You think I’ve been fooled, do you?”

“Am I wrong? I know you held Ulfar in high regard, but typically, the largest shadows are cast by those who stand the tallest. He may have been a good warrior, but that doesn’t mean--”

The prince shook his head in frustration. “--Enough, Dag! Enough with the lies. Enough with the deflection. Just give me a straight answer. I’m done running in circles with you.”

The other man fell silent, completely at a loss for words. “...You still don’t believe me, do you?”

Sigurd lowered his head in sorrow. “...I wish I could, Dag. Trust me. I wish I could. But if I’m going to keep this clan safe, I can’t allow anything to hinder my judgement. Not even when it concerns you.”

Dag let out a sigh and nodded in defeat, staring blankly at the ground. It was clear to him that his arguments were doing nothing in terms of swaying the prince’s mind, and he didn’t know what else he could say to divert the man’s skepticism.

“...I see.” He murmured, looking back up at Sigurd. His demeanor had completely shifted compared to when they first arrived at the waterfall, and a grim sense of treachery clung onto his shrewd face. “...Very well then, old friend. If that’s how you wish to do things.”

Dag pushed himself off the tree and straightened his posture, finally deciding to reveal the truth.

“...Indeed, your conviction is rightfully placed, Sigurd. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to keep up this facade, but I see no point in maintaining it any longer.”

The warrior paused for a brief moment, taking a deep breath.

“I was the one who warned Kjotve.” Dag confessed. “I was the one who assisted him when he ambushed Bjornheimr, and I was the one who told him to flee his fortress before our clans could arrive. I told him of this alliance.”

Sigurd’s heart instantly shattered upon hearing the confession, and his jaw clenched in rage as a spark of betrayal flared inside his chest. He knew his suspicions had to be correct, but even then, nothing could’ve prepared him for the immense disappointment he’d receive from a revelation such as this.

The prince wandered away from Dag in shock and began pacing along the waterfall’s edge, uncertain of how to respond.

“...And why exactly... did you do it?” Sigurd questioned, his tone alarmingly quiet. “What led you to commit such... foolish treason?”

“I did it for the good of our clan.” Dag answered monotonously. “I did it to protect us.”

The other man threw a puzzled glance at him, bewildered by his justification.

“To protect us?” Sigurd gestured to the distant village, storming towards the warrior. “Bjornheimr lies in a bed of its own ashes thanks to you! The jarl’s daughter has been murdered, and you have the nerve to act as if this was an act of heroism? I grow tired of your deception, Dag. Just tell me the truth. What is the real reason you did this?”

The traitor’s nose crinkled in envy, and a newfound sense of contempt twisted his expression. He was behaving in a manner that Sigurd had never seen before, and yet, the prince felt as if he had known this side of Dag for his entire life.

“We don’t need the Bear Clan,” Dag said. “All they’ve done is weaken us. They’ve even weakened you. Especially that boy.”

Sigurd cocked a brow. “Boy? What boy? You mean Eivor?”

“Yes. He’s turned you soft, Sigurd. Everyone can see it. Before we came to this forsaken village, you were a warrior. A leader. A man worthy of holding a crown. You led raids on our enemies, and you crushed anyone who dared threaten our people. You were a king in everything but name. But now? You’ve just become another pawn.”

“What are you talking about, Dag? How have I become a pawn?”

The traitor laughed. “Are you joking? I see the way you look at Eivor. That man has you wrapped around his finger. He’s distracting you from the war, and you’re allowing it to happen.”

The prince’s face was plastered with a look of dread. “You know about me and Eivor...? Who told you?”

Dag waved a dismissive hand. “No one needed to tell me. It’s as clear as day. You may be wed to Randvi, but we all know where your loyalties really lie. You’re only fighting this war for one reason, and that’s so you can take Eivor to bed while the rest of us do the hard work.”

Sigurd’s eyes snapped onto Dag with an iron grip, and his voice dropped to a dangerously low level.

“Watch... your tongue, snake.”

The other man chuckled. “The truth is painful, isn’t it? Nothing stings quite like the bite of a harsh reality you can’t accept. But please, by all means -- continue to ignore it. Ignore it like you ignore everything else, and let your kingdom crumble for your own selfish needs.”

Sigurd brushed off the traitor’s taunts and got straight to the point, eager to put this to rest. “So you’re a puppet for jealousy now? Is that it? You did all this... just because you envied Eivor’s position?”

A scoff escaped Dag’s lips. “Pfft. I want nothing that man has. Like I said before, I did this for the good of our people. Whether or not you choose to see it that way doesn’t change the fact that it’s true. The gods know this too.”

“The gods spit on oath-breakers like you! Odin has no need for men such as yourself in his company, and neither do I.”

“Then deliver your justice, my lord. Strike me down with the judgement that you deemed so righteous you had to hide it away from prying eyes. The people of Bjornheimr may not be able to see you here, but the Allfather does. And he will remember.”

Sigurd turned away from Dag and rested a firm hand on his axe, using every bit of his strength to stifle the tears that threatened to spill. He wanted nothing more than to scream at the gods for putting him in such an impossible situation, and he could already feel himself breaking down from what he was about to do.

But he had to keep his promise. He had to. Although no longer in this realm, Ulfar was depending on him to protect their clans, and Sigurd didn’t have the heart to deny the man his dying wish.

...But he loved Dag. In spite of all of his crimes, the prince still saw the traitor as the same boy he grew up with, and his memories of their time together only seemed to be resurfacing with every second he spent delaying the inevitable.

What was he going to do when the man was dead? Sigurd may have despised Dag for going behind his back, but a piece of his soul remained bound to him nonetheless. There was a link between them that couldn’t be broken, and the prince felt as if he was about to sever one of his own limbs.

A part of him would undoubtedly go with Dag once the man departed from this realm, and Sigurd couldn’t imagine himself ever getting it back.

He just prayed he would be able to forgive himself someday.

“You... you were my brother, Dag.” Sigurd said, his spirit collapsing with every word. “I loved you. I did. You turned my childhood into something that I’ll always hold dear. I’ll never forget the time we spent together, or the joy I’d feel when you were around. Those memories are something that no one will ever be able to take from me.” He tightened his grip on the axe. “But I can’t let you walk free from this. I can’t let you hurt my clan anymore. I... I have to keep my promise. I’m sorry.”

Yanking the weapon out of its sheathe, the prince lunged at Dag without saying another word and buried the axe in his chest, immediately causing the man to stiffen in his clutch. The two of them toppled over onto the snow after a single strike, and within seconds, the traitor was already gasping for air.

He writhed in Sigurd’s embrace like a worm on a hook and desperately tried to pry the blade away from his heart, but to no avail. The other man simply held him down and forcibly kept the axe in place, pushing it deeper and deeper into his torso as tears began streaming down his cheeks.

Sigurd couldn’t believe what he was doing. As a child, he always pictured himself leading their clan into a glorious victory that would forever grace the lips of bards across the kingdom, and spread into endless sagas for generations to come. He thought his role in the war would be one of grandeur just like in the tales his father often told him, and he believed his path to Valhalla would be laden with silver and gold.

But now that he was actually here... he was finally realizing just how torturous the nature of war really was. He wept at the sight of Dag’s life vanishing from his eyes, and his stomach churned at the feeling of the man’s blood staining his hands.

There was also the fact that the traitor died without an axe in his grip. He left it with Ulfar back in Bjornheimr, and thus, paved the way straight to Hel’s gates. His soul would forever evade the magnificence of the Corpse Hall, and a part of Sigurd crumbled at the thought of never being able to reunite with his friend again.

Dag was gone for good... and it was all his fault.

Letting go of the axe’s hilt, Sigurd allowed himself to relax and climbed off of Dag’s body, taking a seat beside him as a series of breaths fled from his lungs.

...He did it. He actually did it.

The traitor had been removed from their midst, and their clans would be able to proceed without worrying about betrayal. Kjotve would no longer have an ally inside their walls, and Gorm would give them the last step they needed before taking him down at last.

Sigurd supposed he should’ve been relieved now that things were finally in their favor, but all he felt was emptiness.

His closest friend lay defeated under the blade of his own axe, and his world remained shaken by the multiple losses it had just suffered. He experienced no pleasure in the face of this so-called victory, and the only thing he had left to hope for was the sight of Kjotve’s head.

He just wanted this war to end. He wanted the constant turmoil of these never-ending battles to become a thing of the past, and he wanted to cleanse the seas of the blood that stained their shores.

Sigurd dreamed of a future where people wouldn’t have to share his clan’s pain, but deep down, he feared it would never become a reality.

The war had already lasted for a couple decades, after all. He saw no reason why the gods would allow it to end anytime soon.

“Sigurd?” Someone said abruptly, dragging the prince back to his senses.

The man glanced upward from where he sat and gazed in the distance, only to find Eivor watching him from afar.

“Eivor...?” Sigurd whispered, quickly wiping his face dry. “What... what are you doing here?”

The blonde viking stepped out from the trees and approached his lover, careful not to distress him even further.

“I saw you leave with Dag earlier,” Eivor answered softly, still drained from the shock of Ulfar’s loss. “The two of you were gone for a while, so I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

He paused for a second, allowing his eyes to wander towards Dag. “...You really killed him.”

The older man stared helplessly at the sky, peering into the canopy of branches swaying above him.

“...Yes. I did.” He said, his voice trembling slightly. “I had to.”

Sighing morosely, Eivor pushed his way through the mounds of snow and walked over to Sigurd, crouching down in front of him. He comforted the distraught prince by gently caressing his cheek, and flicked away some stray tears with a simple swipe of the thumb. Afterwards, the young man reached over to the axe protruding from Dag’s chest and carefully removed it, wiping it clean before laying it in Sigurd’s lap.

“You did the right thing. I know it wasn’t easy, but our clan will sleep better at night thanks to you.”

Sigurd loosely met Eivor’s gaze, entirely devoid of life. “...I feel like a monster. Dag was... he was my brother. I know everyone else saw him as a traitor, but to me, he was always that little boy I met in Fornburg.” His expression sank with grief. “...That little boy is dead now because of me. I killed him.”

Eivor held the prince’s face in his hands. “No, Sigurd. You didn’t kill that boy. Dag did. A long time ago.”

The redheaded warrior offered nothing but silence in response, causing Eivor to return to his feet.

“Come, my love.” He beckoned, reaching an arm out. “We should return to the village.”

Sigurd remained motionless on the ground, simply looking over at Dag’s body.

“Wait. Could we... bring him back with us? I’m aware of Dag’s crimes, but even then, I’d like to give him a proper burial.”

“Of course,” Eivor assured. “Many in the clan will question his presence at the funeral, but I’ll send someone to retrieve him once we return. Don’t worry. We won’t leave him behind.”

Sigurd propped himself up on one knee and grabbed the other man’s arm, rising from the snow. “Thank you, Eivor.”

The Wolf-Kissed guided his lover away from the waterfall and called for his horse, leading the prince back home.

“Come on.” He whispered lovingly. “Let’s get you out of here.”

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johnclapperne · 7 years

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How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.

In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”

There’s even been a small movement on social media asking friends to post pictures of art and puppies to drown out the political posts from your feed. And while I love art and puppies just as much as the next person…

Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.

When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.

A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.

Now, I won’t tell you what to do with your social media feeds. I’m not the online chick; I’m the IRL chick. I’m more interested in empowering you to have interesting, engaging, and powerful debates with your friends. Don’t leave the important discussions to the pundits on TV who are vying for the best soundbite of the day.

Having differing opinions and expressing them is not the problem. The real problem is that we don’t know HOW to debate or disagree, and a healthy debate is possible as long as you know a few rules for success.

Winning an Argument

People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.

The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.

The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.

Yes, the first point of a disagreement is exactly that – to disagree. Disagreements are just expression; you should be willing to express yourself and whoever you’re with should feel free to do the same. Without a disagreement, there’s no conversation. Without conversation, there’s no chance for understanding.

The second value of a healthy debate is that it provides an opportunity for you to better understand your own opinions. By expressing your opinions out loud – especially to someone with an opposing viewpoint – you are challenged to better explain your reasoning and conclusions.

I experience a similar phenomenon with my writing. I’m inspired to write many topics, but rarely does the finished product end up looking how I first envisioned it. Through the writing process, I’m forced to have clarity in my thinking process. Sometimes my thoughts become better as they are forged through the written word. Other times I abandon a concept because I realize I really don’t have enough substance to turn it into anything substantial. It was just a nice idea.

If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.

1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.

It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.

Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.

2. Don’t Interrupt

Interruptions are the lowest of the low. When you interrupt someone, you are saying, “I am more important than you. My opinion and my voice deserve more respect than you and yours. I don’t care about you or your thoughts.”

When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.

If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.

On the other hand, when you maintain your composure and listen without interrupting, when you’re interrupted, you can assertively and calmly say, “I let you finish your thought without interrupting. Please extend the same courtesy and respect to allow me to finish mine.”

I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.

3. Maintain Composure

We are mimicking mammals.

Our mirror neurons wire us to mirror what we see. This often helps us create rapport with people. When we feel in sync with someone, we are actually in sync with them. Body posture is the same, tone is the same, speaking pace is the same. And when you are intimately in sync, breathing is the same. It is a very useful trait….until it isn’t.

When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.

If you want a respectful, even toned, calm discussion, then you must embody respect, speak in an even tone, and stay calm. If you elevate your demeanor, then the other person’s mirror neurons will kick in. They will match the volume and emotion, and then they will ante up and escalate.

Conversely, they might initiate the escalation by putting on more threatening postures and tone. Maintain the stronger frame here. Your biology will try to work against you, telling you, “Show this guy what you’re really made of! Don’t back down!” You will feel compelled to stiffen up, square up, and show your grit. Don’t! There is no good ending with that. You will decline what was a healthy debate and threaten what is or could have been a successful relationship. It’s not worth it.

Police officers are trained to maintain a calm, assertive composure when arriving on a scene. Usually when they show up, emotions are already running high. If an officer approaches trying to out-machismo everyone else, people get hurt. Your best weapon is actually conversational jiu jitsu. You need your “opponent” to realize that their force isn’t working. They will tucker themselves out (quicker than you think) and then match your calmer energy.

4. Argue the Point, Not the Person

This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!

Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.

You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.

When you shift your argument away from the topic and point it towards the person, the person’s only option is to defend themselves. And most people defend by attacking. Now you are in a fight, not a debate.

Also, no name calling includes veiled name calling. Such as, “Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot.” You didn’t directly call the other person an idiot, but you basically did. This puts them on a defensive attack just as much as if you were to say, “You’re a fucking moron.” So, no name calling of the person in front of you or the group of people who share similar views as the person in front of you.

Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?

Apologize. Right away.

Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”

Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.

On the other hand, what happens if the other person slings out a negative label or two? Reference our previous rule about staying calm and assertive. In a cool tone, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you about this, but I really would like to keep it civil. I promise not to call you any nasty names and I’d appreciate it if you can do the same.” If they continue to do so and not respect your wishes, end the conversation.

There is no point if things have sunken to that level. Just politely and calmly say, “I’d really love to continue discussing this. I’m learning a lot from you and it’s helping me get more clarity around my own ideas. But, I really can’t continue if I feel like I’m being attacked. It’s starting to feel like a toxic conversation, so perhaps we can switch gears and just put a button on this talk for today.”

Be respectful, to both them and yourself.

5. Stay on Topic

This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.

A true debate is about an issue. One topic.

When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.

If you notice that things have veered off course, politely say, “I appreciate what you just said, but I feel like we’ve strayed away from what we originally were talking about and I’d love to hear more of your perspective on that.”

6. Acknowledge and Appreciate

Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.

By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.

If you notice that someone continues to repeat themselves, it is likely because they don’t feel heard. If you would like to end their loop, repeat back what they have said, just say it in your own words. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’ve listened.

Find opportunities to appreciate the other person and, yes, their point of view. They may not have come to the same conclusions as you, but I’m sure that you can appreciate some aspect of their argument – like how it is with the best of intentions or how it reflects their values. Ultimately, this is true of everyone. We all create opinions and act with the best of intentions that reflects our values. Appreciate that and continue to share your own views.

Oh, yeah. And it’s TOTALLY ok to agree with someone during a debate! (Crazy right?!) You can absolutely agree with one aspect of someone’s argument. This can only improve rapport and increase your chances of finding some common ground.

Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)

7. Ask Questions

This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.

Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!

By asking questions, you accomplish three things.

First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.

Second, questions are less threatening and more engaging. With questions, it is less of a debate and more of a guided monologue. You aren’t trying to prove your point. You are trying to get them to teach theirs. Through that process, you could potentially achieve the third benefit. You likely won’t change their mind, but you very well could get them to see a chink in their thought process, which could get them to at least question one aspect of their opinion.

That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.

If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.

Example: Sure there are going to be more questions from Stephen because he is the host of the talk show, but this still exemplifies a great way to ask questions instead of making statements. PLUS, Stephen follows one of our previous rules for winning an argument: acknowledge and appreciate.

youtube

BONUS: End in a Hug

Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.

Let’s keep this healthy debate going! These are all skills that I learned from CIA agents, hostage negotiators, trial attorneys, con-artists, pick-up artists, and now, I want to help you use them to be more prosperous and successful in your own business.

Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.

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#How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

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sanerontheinside · 7 years

Text

Was working on fic prompts last night and one got very long and very out of hand and formed another AU because I do that. If I continue working in that AU, I’ll link to this, but for now it works as a standalone, so

(borrowed a little from @deadcatwithaflamethrower‘s ReEntry, as usual) (also I think this slips into an AU of @doctorwithafryingpan‘s proposed Tahl Lives AU)

Beautiful is the Temple on Alderaan, with its high vaulted ceilings and its carved pillars and walls, with the statues that line its halls. Splashes of brilliant colour dapple its floors where sunlight bursts through the stained glass panels above and falls to the ground in soundless cascades.

It would be so easy to make this place austere, ascetic as the Jedi are thought to be - aloof and cold, cold as the mountain winters.

But Alderaan is not cold.

Though the Temple sits nestled in the mountains, perched far away, near-inaccessible unless you know precisely how to make your way to it, the Temple is not cold, it is not austere, it is not at all aloof.

It is, however, somewhat abandoned. Many of the old Temples are, for there are far fewer Jedi these days than even a mere century ago.

The first time Qui-Gon Jinn comes to the Alderaanian Temple, he comes with Master Dooku. Master Dooku is the definition of this perfect Jedi, the only definition Qui-Gon knows. He is cool, he is clinical, he is aloof.

Qui-Gon chafes under the weight of his - frankly chilling - ever-evaluating gaze, his unrelenting sternness. His Master’s praise is rare at best, and he is not a demonstrative man. The only contact the boy can expect is the heavy press of a hand on his shoulder to correct an error in his form (and, stars, he can’t stand Form II). Once, he got himself sold into slavery by complete accident, and his Master chided him for it, made him feel a fool and unwanted -

No. Made him feel how acutely he had inconvenienced his Master.

(Qui-Gon does not know this is wrong. All he knows is that he is not enough, and it’s his fault entirely. He’s sometimes tried to explain, but his explanations are inconsequential, so he pulls them into himself and forces them down. It will be years before he realises that his frustrations escape him in other ways, and the skies are blanketed grey, and the clouds grow heavy and his lungs go tight before they spill.)

(And then, for a time, he feels less tense.)

The first time they come to the Alderaanian Temple, Qui-Gon meets an Archivist who is warm and kind and reminds him of Tahl. She smiles and helps him look for the texts he needs for his classwork, sits him down at her table and throws up her feet to the chair beside her, settling in to read, herself. When confusion knots his brow and he’s all but broadcasting his dismay at failing to understand a simple problem, she catches the tense line of his shoulders in the corner of her eye and softly asks him to read it out to her. Qui-Gon does.

He watches, fascinated, as her agile mind bends and twists and turns, fingers skittering over the table between them. She explains herself, backtracks, prompts him, breaks down the question into parts, tells him things he’s never heard before, pulls up old texts as evidence, and through it all she even finds ways to make him laugh. She never once makes him feel lesser for not knowing so much of what she’s said, never chides him for not looking something up before asking.

Predictably, good moods do not last. He’ll forget what it was about, in a week, because all their arguments are one and the same, but for now Qui-Gon feels the sting of his Master’s words keenly, and he takes himself outside to sit on the Temple doorstep. He tries to be still for a moment, shaking not with the cold - then gathers a breath of air in his lungs and slowly counts as he holds and lets it go. It’s cold, but warmer than the day before, and there is no sharp, biting wind. He looks up just as the first of a flurry of snowflakes twirls through the air and some of them settle, lightly prickling, on his skin.

Behind him the Archivist’s already-familiar presence is warm as it draws near. He doesn’t want to be seen, but at the same time, he wants that comfort. He wants someone to see him, really see him. Just someone.

The warmth of that presence seeps into him when she sits down, almost close enough to lean towards him and brush shoulders. “It’s early for snow,” she remarks absently, but says nothing else.

Qui-Gon thinks it must be lonely here, where she is one of a handful of Jedi whom he’s seen, and there are perhaps a handful more in the more distant parts of the Temple. Yet it is warm and peaceful, and he thinks that perhaps she isn’t unhappy even in this small circle.

By dint of a heavy snowstorm, Master Dooku decides to delay their departure a few days. Qui-Gon spends those days mostly sequestered in the Archives.

The second time he comes to the Alderaanian Temple, the Archivist is no longer there. The Temple feels colder, because its walls have stood even nearer to empty in the last decade. It feels almost the way he felt, for much of these last ten years.

And yet, as he brushes his fingers over the old cloth- and leather-bound books, painstakingly cared for and preserved, he catches a hint of that warmth still. In his mind, a new flame burns - a young child he’d been forced (yes, forced, Master Yoda, you gave me no choice in the matter) to take as his Apprentice. They haven’t had an easy time of it, though their difficulties stem from different things.

Obi-Wan learned harsh lessons on Melida/Daan, lessons that Qui-Gon had wanted to shield his Padawan from learning. No matter how you try, no matter if you do everything right, you can still lose in the end - that was what Tahl had said. He couldn’t explain to this brilliant boy that the sacrifices to end their war had to come from the Melida/Daan alone, and not from Jedi. Instead he’d watched his Padawan suffer, thinking he’d failed to protect him - again - that he’d failed as a Master.

That he wasn’t enough. Again.

And yet this child had burrowed into his arms afterwards for almost the entire duration of their flight back to Coruscant, clung to him and wept into his tunics, and would not let go. When they made it back to the Temple, Qui-Gon had taken him straight to the Healers and refused to leave the boy’s side even to make their report until he was released a tenday later.

Those early days, Obi-Wan was restless without the tactile reassurance that Qui-Gon was still there, still with him. When they made their report to the Council, he’d inched closer and closer to his Master’s side without any conscious awareness of it, and Qui-Gon had finally given up all pretenses of serenity or aloofness, pulling his Padawan tight against him. In the privacy of their quarters, Qui-Gon held him for their shared meditations while he guided Obi-Wan’s mind, helped him reach out with the Force to see what his eyes no longer could.

They’d been removed from the active mission roster. Qui-Gon cornered Mace outside the salle once while Tahl watched Obi-Wan as he worked through his warmups, and demanded to know the reason in a low growl. Mace had deliberately brushed him off, but answered, not without sympathy, that Qui-Gon’s missions were always high-pressure diplomatic disputes, and many had a tendency to go to pieces.

“Mace -”

“It’s not an accusation, Qui-Gon. If anything, it’s something of a compliment. We have a tendency to run our best ragged, and we’ve been sending you into situations that, sometimes, should have been left alone entirely.” Like Melida/Daan - the words hung unsaid in the air between them, colouring it with regret.

“Never thought I’d hear you say that,” Qui-Gon grumbled, somewhat mollified.

Mace shrugged. “You didn’t hear it from me. We’re looking for something that has a bit less chance of going to pieces, but at the moment all we have is the Alderaanian Temple -”

“What?” The Force seemed to chime in his ears. “What about the Alderaanian Temple?”

Thus they had found themselves here, in the mountains. Qui-Gon still remembers the convoluted route the guides had taken his Master on, but when his Padawan looks left instead of right and asks, ‘why not that way?’ he listens and lets him lead on. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they find themselves at the Temple steps long before dark, when their expected arrival had been estimated at nightfall.

More and more, Qui-Gon lets himself hang back while his Padawan walks ahead, quite in reverse of tradition where the Padawan follows the Master. Obi-Wan is daring, yes, at times even reckless, but he’s never lead his Master astray.

In the quieter moments, and particularly in the evenings, Obi-Wan prepares tea for them both, almost ritually presents it to his Master, then curls up pressed against Qui-Gon’s side. It’s on one of these nights that Qui-Gon notices how the ache in his chest eases when his Padawan settles beside him. He’s reviewing an inventory list for the Temple - and, gods, if this is the work of the Head of the Coruscant Temple, he quite understands why Mace looks like he has perpetual migraines (because he actually does).

But when Obi-Wan presses close, the threat of a migraine recedes; and moments later, when the rhythm of soft shallow breaths proves that the boy has fallen asleep, Qui-Gon realises he will never, never feel at ease without this. That he has, perhaps, never felt so much wanted and needed in all his life. The feeling almost overwhelms him, constricts his chest and clutches at his throat and dares to steal his breath. He breathes through the sting at the back of his eyes, shuts off the datapad and shoves it away to wrap the small, beloved warm body beside him in a tight embrace.

#qui-gon jinn #dooku #obi-wan kenobi #tahl lives au #alderaanian temple #wild ficcage and au spawn #later on there are all sorts of wild and wonderful things #archivist tahl #declaration of neutrality #an accidental schism of the order #accidental head of order qui-gon #crechemaster anakin #sassmaster obi but y'all knew that one anyway #jinn #Kenobi

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joshuabradleyn · 7 years

Text

How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.

In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”

Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.

When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.

A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.

Winning an Argument

People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.

The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.

The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.

If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.

1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.

It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.

Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.

2. Don’t Interrupt

When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.

If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.

I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.

3. Maintain Composure

We are mimicking mammals.

When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.

4. Argue the Point, Not the Person

This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!

Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.

You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.

Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?

Apologize. Right away.

Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”

Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.

Be respectful, to both them and yourself.

5. Stay on Topic

This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.

A true debate is about an issue. One topic.

When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.

6. Acknowledge and Appreciate

Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.

By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.

Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)

7. Ask Questions

This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.

Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!

By asking questions, you accomplish three things.

First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.

That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.

If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.

youtube

BONUS: End in a Hug

Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.

Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.

The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.

http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c

#How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

0 notes

albertcaldwellne · 7 years

Text

How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.

In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”

Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.

When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.

A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.

Winning an Argument

People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.

The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.

The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.

If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.

1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.

It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.

Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.

2. Don’t Interrupt

When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.

If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.

I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.

3. Maintain Composure

We are mimicking mammals.

When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.

4. Argue the Point, Not the Person

This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!

Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.

You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.

Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?

Apologize. Right away.

Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”

Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.

Be respectful, to both them and yourself.

5. Stay on Topic

This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.

A true debate is about an issue. One topic.

When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.

6. Acknowledge and Appreciate

Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.

By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.

Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)

7. Ask Questions

This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.

Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!

By asking questions, you accomplish three things.

First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.

That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.

If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.

youtube

BONUS: End in a Hug

Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.

Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.

The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.

http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c

#How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

0 notes

ruthellisneda · 7 years

Text

How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.

In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”

Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.

When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.

A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.

Winning an Argument

People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.

The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.

The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.

If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.

1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.

It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.

Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.

2. Don’t Interrupt

When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.

If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.

I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.

3. Maintain Composure

We are mimicking mammals.

When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.

4. Argue the Point, Not the Person

This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!

Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.

You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.

Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?

Apologize. Right away.

Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”

Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.

Be respectful, to both them and yourself.

5. Stay on Topic

This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.

A true debate is about an issue. One topic.

When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.

6. Acknowledge and Appreciate

Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.

By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.

Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)

7. Ask Questions

This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.

Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!

By asking questions, you accomplish three things.

First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.

That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.

If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.

youtube

BONUS: End in a Hug

Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.

Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.

The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.

http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c

#How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

0 notes

almajonesnjna · 7 years

Text

How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.

In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”

Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.

When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.

A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.

Winning an Argument

People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.

The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.

The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.

If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.

1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.

It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.

Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.

2. Don’t Interrupt

When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.

If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.

I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.

3. Maintain Composure

We are mimicking mammals.

When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.

4. Argue the Point, Not the Person

This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!

Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.

You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.

Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?

Apologize. Right away.

Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”

Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.

Be respectful, to both them and yourself.

5. Stay on Topic

This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.

A true debate is about an issue. One topic.

When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.

6. Acknowledge and Appreciate

Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.

By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.

Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)

7. Ask Questions

This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.

Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!

By asking questions, you accomplish three things.

First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.

That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.

If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.

youtube

BONUS: End in a Hug

Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.

Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.

The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.

http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c

#How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

0 notes

neilmillerne · 7 years

Text

How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.

In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”

Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.

When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.

A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.

Winning an Argument

People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.

The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.

The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.

If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.

1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.

It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.

Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.

2. Don’t Interrupt

When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.

If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.

I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.

3. Maintain Composure

We are mimicking mammals.

When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.

4. Argue the Point, Not the Person

This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!

Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.

You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.

Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?

Apologize. Right away.

Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”

Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.

Be respectful, to both them and yourself.

5. Stay on Topic

This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.

A true debate is about an issue. One topic.

When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.

6. Acknowledge and Appreciate

Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.

By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.

Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)

7. Ask Questions

This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.

Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!

By asking questions, you accomplish three things.

First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.

That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.

If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.

youtube

BONUS: End in a Hug

Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.

Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.

The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.

http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c

#How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You

0 notes