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dwindlingashesburnt · 5 years

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"Secrets" vs Secrets

I tell myself I'm an open person who tries to, and wants to, discuss stuff about myself and preferably receive the same from others. But I don't, not really, I share "secrets" but not secrets

I share, for example, laughing as though it's funny, how I and H never really talked until A joined the group. How A made our friendship group work

I don't share how scared and jealous I was. How I didn't know A well, and was divided between being angry on her behalf for her shitty ex-friends, or angry at her, because H was the only one I had even if at that point we barely counted as acquaintances, and I was really scared A and H would go off and I would be alone again. Or how, at times, I thought H was better than A or vice versa and wanted to be friends with one of them and the other to leave. How sometimes I felt so guilty for that. How sometimes I didn't feel guilty for it at all, but knew I should, and wondered if that made me a bad person

I share how I feel like when I'm alone with Iz, we both become really awkward and never really manage to have a decent conversation alone. I don't share how I sometimes get caught up in the differences, because I worry they mean we're not as close or I won't act as though we're as close as Iz believes us it be, because I struggle with how little she talks about deep feelings, how she isn't a fan of physical affection, but am equally aware that just as I feel as though she's failing to speak my language on those levels, I'm just as highly aware that I'm utterly failing to make hers when she makes jokes or comments, and sometimes I don't understand them, or I understand them literally but can't tell if that's what she means, what she may mean if the meaning isn't that literal. I'm overly aware that in my admittedly limited circle of about 6 friends,she's the only one who isn't white, and I'm overly aware of my stupid lack of knowledge there and the subconscious tendency for me to be slightly racist and not even realise for a long moment, and how I try to fix that, but maybe not hard enough? What if she picks up on it? What if I fuck up badly and say something awful? I'm a pathetic coward for not being able to address her about this to her face, I know, but I equally fret that if I did force myself to tell her this or ask her to call me out if I do mess up, that this may be overstepping a line - I know for example that many lgbt people get angry when people ask a lot of questions in a poor manner, for acting like they have no choice but to sit there and be a source of information instead of a person. Does the same apply here? Would I be doing that to Iz? I do not want to hurt her. As much as I don't understand her, I like her, I consider her a friend...I feel awful for thinking about her like this. I don't know how to fix this, or if it needs fixing - maybe as far as she's aware, there's nothing wrong except mild awkwardness, and I just need to fix my issues on my own time. I don't know

I share how I don't really want to go to the school counsellor or whatever because I don't think they address such serious stuff, I have always been given the impression that they address things like exam stress and bullying only, and that even then they dont address it very well it seems. I share how I'm worried things would get back to my mother

I don't share how I'm also afraid it would get out to my friends, the decent people in my family, the school. I don't share that I'm afraid if I went, the counsellor would write everything I say down and then take it back, report every word to my mother, my abuser - and I'm aware this is in all likelihood a ridiculous fear but it is a real fear to me. I'm scared that, even if no specific information got back to my parents or family, they may be informed/find out I'm going to counselling at school, if not why or anything - and I hate and fear the idea of that. I don't know HOW I'd get to see a counsellor at school, meaning I'd like to have to go via teachers and leading staff, meaning many of the staff would know. I don't want them to know. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want it. I'm scared I'd go to it, and the counsellor would either tell me nothing was wrong with me and send me away without help, or tell me far far more is wrong with me than I think there is and make me have to confront that. Or they'll tell me it's something entirely different from what I expect, or they won't be what I expect, or they'll call me out on my redirecting, or they'll look at me and say okay. You've told me all your problems - you've revealed you know what they are, often why they are, you've considered what you could do to solve them. What have you actually done to try and solve them? And I will be forced to look right at them and say I have done nothing, or as good as nothing. Because it is true, as much as I like to claim otherwise. I could do so much more.

I share little about how I used to be so convinced supernatural stuff was happening, how some things my sibling said seemed to match up. How unsure I am about hat was telling happening, in hindsight - was it real, dream, hallucination, daydream? I was losing time at that point in time - was I passing put for some reason, or just forgetting, or what? I half convinced myself at the time it was linked to supernatural - was this my way of covering up what didn't make sense to me? I know this was a time where I was increasingly reliant on "thought processes", as far as I know faced no physical danger but did face immense emotional stress constantly - I was convinced I could be killed any moment - and I was losing time and it felt like I was slipping out of control and then there was that night where I was not in control of my body. But someone else was and I could hear their voice and a sliver of their intentions without a full view of their big picture and I remember screaming panicking flailing at the back of my mind while at the same time, at the same time I was them and I was drifting and idle and my smile was unnatural and felt wrongwrongwrong and I was looking for the key to the window, and so too was I my body just empty, just moving, while these two within were in conflict, and I remember finally a voice, a third that was not mine or theirs, and it made them retreat, and I was in control, and I was shaking and felt like I was in shock afterward. The dreams, too. How I have wondered for a while now whether, at that stage, had DID. If that was even a possibility, or what could have caused it to happen - whether, if I did have DID, if that means that there is bad stuff I dont remember still? Wondering whether it even matters now, as I seem not to lose any time now, as I seem to have somehow fixed it. Wondering if, if I did have it, maybe I didn't 'fix it' - maybe I'm still losing time and whoever may or may not be in my head with me just got better at hiding information that would indicate as such for the sake of the system being healthy. Wondering how close I pushed myself to that stage with my refusal to deal with anything, whether if I do or did have DID, how much of that is/would be my fault. During that night I had been messaging an online friend the whole time, even when it didn't exactly feel like it was me typing - I want to discuss it with him, badly. I wonder if he remembers. I wonder if he actually knows or realises what had been going on - how, although in retrospect I realise I probably would have been unlucky to even break an ankle, I had been so scared they would find the key and open the window and jump and I would be dead with no prescense more than hysteria trapped in my own head and watching. How I sat there afterwards and a while after, when it had processed, I felt trapped and scared - so terribly scared - and desperate and actually...rather bitter or angry. Because this was a time where I felt my control and free will were practically non-existent, self harm used to make me feel I had control but then people took that from me, so that night...When that person took control and seemed like they were aiming to commit suicide, they took the last two things I felt belonged to me - my mind, and my death. I was angry and scared and desperate, and I felt so trapped I wanted to scream because it felt like everything was closing in on me so tight I wanted to rip my skin right through and climb out of it, I could barely breathe, and I'm not sure but I think I had a panic attack then (?)

I share little bits about this, but not the full extent of it - I don't DO enough and that scares me. I'm scared I'll end up alone and starving and useless because I don't do enough to socialise with the people I hace,p or nake new friends, or learn to cook or naythibg else I need. I frequently struggle even to get the things I WANT done. I'm scared there's simething wrong with me.

I have no sense of time. I don't know why - when I searched it was suggested this could be part of being subject to emotional abuse and gaslighting, depression, or dissassocitation. I know the first two are relebent to me, I don't know about the other two but I'm fairly certain if thet arent relevent now then they used to be. I struggle with things because of this - I can't tell what happened when, Ive literally said that something that turned out to have happened less than two weeks ago happened about two years ago, and vice versa.

I have massive issues with control: I make decisions either to comply entirely with what people suggest/order or do the exact opposite of what is suggested/ordered, far far far more than I actually judt make the desciison that I want or seems sensible, meaning I effectively dont have control over my decidions. I constantly lose the battle agaunst my own mind. I go into exams every day absolutely exhausted because whenever Im at all stressed, my automatic response is to deprive myself of sleep in order to prive to myself that Im in control, that I wont heed the orders of any people I know, society, or my own fucking body if it disagrees with me. But this is one area where Im veey very very wrong, especually since despite my tendency to deprive myself of sleep, I function awfully on even as much as 5 or 6 hours sleep - it makes my brain fuzzy, I function on autopilot, I strugfle to tune in or concentrate or eat......and of course thsi makes me feel out of cobtrol, so I sleep even less

I struggle to distinguish between what i genuinely want, and what are self destructive thoughts. For example - hypnosis - is this self detsructive of me or not? I don't know. I know when I used to be obsessed with the idea of bdsm, that was self destructive, tying together things I wanted and things that would harm me badly in all sorts of ways together - now I'm still attracted to incredibly specific ideas of powerplay, but I camt figure out if thats a genuine want Ive separated from all he rest, or just the new disguise my self destructive tendencies are now wearing. Same with ideas of sex - explicit references to sex, as in acyual genitals an dstuff, makes me feel uncomfortable, grossed out, unsafe, nervous. But I like stuff that is intended to be expicit or pornographic - but stays almost entirely as mental games, and feelings, no physical stuff or sex stuff please. But wheres the line here? I don't know.

(This is tmi but sometimes I get really frustrated, and feel very alone and angry and ashamed....because with vague stuff like I mentioned, I enjoy it, I get pretty aroused, it's good. But if I try to deal with it, like masturbate or anything, it ruins it because then I feel gross and unsafe and very much like I want to cry. So although I want to be able to enjoy myself sexually, it inevitably ends either in failed masturbation making me want to cry, or in me eventually losing interest in the activity but my body fails to correspond properly so I'm forced to be there, struggling to distract myself from how my body is still aroused, and feeling increasingly ashamed and self pitying and stupid while that's happening. Neither are good and I hate it because I know I can like, feel all hot and nice and stuff, but there is no way i can have that without it ending in misery one way or another. And of course both make me feel very distanced from my body, inevitably making me feel very very insecure)

I used to age regress. Not sexually, but just...to deal with things. Because my problems are generally big, overwhelming and complex, I was able to put them in the box of "grown up stuff" in my head, and it wasnt the same as repressing it or ignoring it - it was still very much there, and I was very much aware of it, but it just didn't register as important to me while in 'little space', which meant I was able to relax, feel safe and happy and vulnerable without fear for a few hours, and then I could gradually ease myself back into opening that box up again and be able to deal with all of it in a much better fashion because I would be so much calmer, with a clear head.

Except obviously, when i was in little space I acted childishly. Not overwhlemingly so, I don't think? But I'd speak weird, and be very overenergetic and stuff, and I'd be a bit jsut different. Problem was....I had nobody to take care of me when I was in little space, and nobody made me feel safe to even be around - even if they didnt know what was happening, some people like my mother were deliberately cruel about my acting immature and whatever, some friends just...questioned it a lot and asked me to calm down a lot, and some theoretically were absolutely okay with it but just seemed so obviously to be humouring me......It upset me a lot to get that sort of reaction in little space when I was so much more vulnerable emotionally. And it just...escalated. very quickly, the constant mantra of "they hate me they hate me they hate me why am I here I shouldnt be doing this they hate me they hate me" had infiltrated my little space as well as my normal life and I could no longer just file it away in the "grown up box" for an hour or three

I tried only age regressing on my own, but as a kid I was afraid of being alone, and now I'm afraid of being alone, so ultimately all it did was make me feel helpless, incredibly lonely and put me in a state emotionally vulnerable enough that what I would normally get over fairly easily quickly had me hysterical. I also started losing control of going in and out of it? Easing myself in and out of it was vital for it to actually help me, but I started rapidly falling into little space as I became more and more distressed and panicky and miserable in normal life, and equally (largely due to other people, but then after due to my own emotions) started crashing after little space instead of gradually easing out of it - which not only undoes any and all good that little time may have done, it also makes me feel unsafe, empty in an awful way, miserable, and overall awful.

Eventually I stopped regressing at all

And that made me pretty miserable - because while i found other ways to solve issues, I lost the ability to just put it on pause for a while. I almost never am able to relax, I sometimes relax more than other times, but when I stopped regressing I lost the only time I felt safe enough to relax COMPLETELY. And while I know at least some of my friends and family love me unconditionally, and are proud of me, feeling it is another thing entirely - and when I was little I was absolutely certain on that, and that carried over into normal life giving me confidence. Now i don't have that.

The other day A, me, an english teacher and a classmate were discussing stuff in class, and it somehow got onto people who identify as an age (??? Never heard of that before and personally think it makes no sense, but anyway) and that led onto age regression as a method of coping?

I spent most of that part of the conversation feeling like I wanted to participate, but equally wanting not to sound too passionate or knowledgeable because he was there, a TEACHER was there, and I could feel A's eyes on me, god I was so aware of A and so terrified she'd turn around and say she hated me.

But. But that conversation made me want it again, and feel sad about it because I know I can't- like literally, I cannot, it's been plagued with bad stuff enough that I don't feel able to and I'm constantly so incredibly tense and feel do unsafe I cannot relax enough to slip into little space and haven't been able to for probably two years, but i have no idea, because as previously mentioned I'm crap with time. It also made me kinda wanna mention the fact that I used to do it to my friends? Idk

I'm just. I'm very very aware that while I want to be, and lie to myself saying I am, an open person, I'm aware there's a lot of stuff I keep quiet (thid is oh so little of it) and what's more, I lie about the little things. CONSTANTLY. So. So I'm a fake.

I just....I don't know

I don't know what more to write

#DID #dissassocitation #mental illness #mentions of self harm #reference to suicide #emotional abuse #sex stuff #age regression #venting #oh my god im a mess #lies #secrets #im a awful failure of ahuman bring basically #and my friends are like no youre not! you never do anything freaky!#and im like #yeah i do! i judt dont mention it #or lie aabout it!#im an awful person

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