#didnt intend to tag this as that actually but like ill just make a separate post for the non-crossover one | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

swampgallows · 3 years

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i was writin it in the tags before i maxed em out but it had me thinking about how much more shit i did in college because i actually had access to shit. for one, there was a viable public transit system there. there was a bus stop literally outside my dorm, and i used to take the bus all kinds of places and just walk around the city and shit. i did tons of things i previously would not have accessible to me because i didnt drive. back when disney passes were cheap as fuck i had days where id swing by disneyland after class just to hop on a ride or two and then go home. i went to parks, beaches, the aquarium, the movies, clubs, raves, morris dancing, restaurants, the mall, and all kinds of shit on my own because i could actually physically fucking get there. the only real challenge a lot of the time was if i bought anything to get it home (i remember walking half a mile with a full length mirror back to my dorm because i kept missing the bus). but the point is that i DID SHIT. i wasnt constantly being micromanaged by people in my environment about what food i bought or what i ate, where i went and when, etc. and i had the resources to actually go fucking do things.

it all came crashing down, i think, when i got into that series of bad relationships. i dont think i was aware of it at the time, but that was about the time that things were ramping up toward something great and then i was betrayed by people close to me and continuously shot down. i didnt know how to process those toxic relationships, and part of me still doesn’t. almost ten years later im still trying to recover from the damage of them. yes, it was the same time that i was having heightened anxiety and the worst period of panic attacks in my life, which were and are awful and shitty, but i also had very understanding and supportive friends who were there for me during that time. it would be no different than if i got very sick and had friends who took care of me. i was having a human experience and because i had a good support network, i was able to cope.

so like. of course i got depressed when my boyfriend would hate-fuck me and embarrass me on purpose in public or in front of his friends. of course i felt too scared and sad to go to class when i was constantly being told my art wasn’t good enough and was a waste of time and “useless to society”. of course i hid in my room playing video games with rude assholes because at least they couldnt touch me. of course i didnt want to open up to people when they told me it was “fascinating the way your mind mistreats you”.

of course i got suicidal when i got zero weekend days off for three straight years. not even easter sunday, even though greek easter usually falls on a completely separate sunday. of course i didnt want to live anymore when i couldnt see or be with my friends or express myself naturally. of course i would be depressed about waking up at 7am every day to stand in a cold room alone for 8 hours and not even be paid enough to live.

friends and family and past teachers on facebook can encourage me to go on medication, but for what? will a SSRI pay me a living wage? is celexa going to make men treat me better? will prozac install a public transit system in my area, or help me move to a place where a better one already exists? xanax didnt sit in the car with me to teach me to drive and offer support, but it did help me recuperate from the dozens of screaming crying fits and panic attacks i had while orchestrating my own exposure therapy. it took years for me to get acclimated to just sitting in the driver’s seat of my car while it was off without having a complete meltdown and slamming it full speed into the garage to kill myself. because i am still so mad that i learned so late, that nobody gave a shit about me enough to teach me, that i had to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars on lessons with complete strangers to learn this skill that has become mandatory for survival in the place i live. i had to use money to replace the love and support normally given by family or my community.

i am trying to condition myself to see my car as an emblem of freedom, but it feels like a cage. it costs so much money, it is so scary and exhausting to operate it, and everything in this world and society is forcing me to use it. and honestly it feels like, because i have it, i have run out of “excuses” for not being employed. that if i have a car, i should be able to go to any job whatsoever and sit in my car in traffic for four hours a day like every other average person in l.a. even at the trader joes i interviewed at THREE TIMES before they eventually didnt bring me on, i would have to drive anywhere from 30-45 minutes to work every fucking day just to work at a fucking grocery store. i know people see those numbers and go ‘psh that’s nothing! my commute is so much longer!’ and that just feels like hustle propaganda. like why are you proud that you have to sit in your car in fucking traffic every day to do a job that you probably could (and now probably do) work at from home?

the shitty case worker i had, tonya, could not offer a suggestion to me when i brougth this up to her. how is medication going to make me more employable? how am i not supposed to blow my brains out when my life is going to be sitting in a car that i struggle to operate to go to a job that doesnt pay me enough to live and then doing that forever until i die? why dont i skip all that and just die right now? why live through that? all she could say was “well, that’s just how it is.”

The much more obvious answer is that mental disorders, while influenced by genetic factors, are largely caused by trauma and context, and that oppressed groups of people experience way more trauma under capitalism, and are way less able to navigate the context of American society because it was built without them in mind, and in many cases to intentionally harm them.

this is why im going to be mentally ill forever, man. because i can’t fucking adapt to a society that doesn’t care about me. why would i do that? is it not inherently harmful and mentally ill to perpetuate an unhealthy environment? why belong to a society if we don’t care about the people in it? who is society for? if these circumstances were due to a partner, they’d tell me to leave them. if these circumstances were due to my living situation with my family or roommates, they’d tell me to move out. so must i leave society? do i have to live off the grid? do i have to hunt game and skin animals for fur and build my own shelter? even if i wanted to, like many natural peoples, capitalism is taking those things away too. look at first nations and indigenous people. look at the multitudes of the people experiencing homelessness and mental illness simultaneously.

it is all so obvious when you’re on the outside. no one expects, or wants, people like me to survive. the whole point is that we do not belong to society. the whole point is that capitalism wants me dead. my suicidality means capitalism is working as intended.

#blathering

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amourete-blog1 · 7 years

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(( in which felide is a catalyst for this hell we call a relationship to actually work

tagging: @trolljacksparrow @hereticalsym69ls @roseredmutant

aberrantcadenza I'm trying to assume good faith here, so bear with me, but... did you ever have any intention of actually tolerating Lil?

trolljacksparrow i did/do my post wwasnt a judgment of him on a...it wwas not meant to imply that he is a bad person, because i dont think that, it wwas meant to state that he cant argue to savve his life arguing/debating wwith him is pointless because his analogies vverge into the barely-connected and ridiculous, not only the limeblood/tyfora thing but that time he compared pale assault to howw the signless tried to change alternia and he argues only about things he is emotional about, and hes got 10 vvioletbloods wworth of temper, wwhich just turns the arguement into yelling until he is physically separated from his devvice like nothing wwill get done???? its pointless, it wwill just bring stress to evveryone invvolvved and make evveryone upset??? givve people loww moodswwings?? wwhats the point im not dragging him to you - like, im not saying im any better wwhatsoevver lmao try havving an arguement wwith me about slavvery and see wwhere that wwill get you - i am saying wwhy i said wwhat i said. and i stand by it. sparks shouldnt havve engaged him because he sees evvery question as a deliberate antagonism instead of a misunderstanding/asking for clarification. wwas my remark timed badly? probably yes. could i havve done better? also yes. did i say it /solely/ because i disagree wwith him? no. thats wwhy i didnt just say 'ok ill stop' to xanthe, because he said im only doing it cause i dont like him and that wwas incorrect.

aberrantcadenza And yet everything you've said has had the same terse tone of malice? And you're here admitting that you're no better, and... making no attempt to change or help it? There are so many other ways to make the same point and I know Artifex says "Nadaya is a salt pillar," but I also know Nadaya as a kindhearted rebel who is trying his best to be the best lover he can, and for that reason I'm actually genuinely *baffled* that you would continue this, since it appears to be no accident. To outline exactly the implications of this situation: Xanthe has been sitting, totally unresponsive, for a full day and night, and yet another day. He won't speak. He won't express and he won't eat. You may not like Lil, and you're allowed that much, but if you think for one second that somehow takes precedence over your relationship with Xanthe then you and he need to have a serious talk about priorities. In a time like this I would ask you to consider how you would feel, if someone insulted one of your lovers, whether or not that insult was valid if delivered in that same tone.

trolljacksparrow wwhat the fuck is up wwith xanthe wwhat the wwhat the fresh hell caused this

aberrantcadenza Well, considering the only thing that impacted his rather good mood at the time was that entire thread of conversation... And considering, also, that like I said, he's not talking, I can only assume that's it.

trolljacksparrow really my grand total of 2 replies caused a /shutdowwn/ ivve argued wwith lil before and nothing like this happened are you sure

aberrantcadenza "Entire thread of conversation" - meaning not just you.

trolljacksparrow oh, wwhat other convversation? are you sure it isnt like....the thing the brain thing

aberrantcadenza He was with me at the time. Although Hellen did have some influence, that wasn't all that caused it. I don't think you're wholly at fault. I don't think Lil is either, nor Hellen, nor Artifex. I *do* think that your general attitude of apathy towards a rather important matter and your insistence to continue to make passes at Lil even after you've said you were trying to make peace is a relevant issue, even if it's not the sole cause of his shutdown. Which I never said it was, only that it had an impact.

trolljacksparrow to clarify - terse tone of malice wwas uninentonal, i wwas a bit tired that he said i only spoke up because i dont like lil no i dont think it takes precedence lmao wwhat evven??? i /am/ trying to get better though, i dont usually engage things i knoww wwill make me mad, and i knoww howw to control my anger far better than he does - i only mentioned it so you wwouldnt think im acting holier-than-thou

aberrantcadenza Okay. That helps.

trolljacksparrow ......hellen????????

aberrantcadenza ... Fuck.

trolljacksparrow ???

aberrantcadenza *The brain thing.

trolljacksparrow OH ...i can check if its hellen, and removve ..her? influence, if i see him

aberrantcadenza You can do that?

trolljacksparrow yes rogue of hope i did it before im basically a buff/debuff support but for people's wwills

aberrantcadenza Although that title has no meaning to me, I recognize at least the um. Rogue? part as a "god" title(???) ... But if you can do that, yes. I think you should, and I'll invite you here to do it. We're on Alternia right now and no one can come here without explicit invitation* (*Or else their insides melt) But. When I mentioned "dislike of Lil taking precedence over your relationship with Xanthe," what I mean is that you'd rather hold onto that dislike in a kind of petty way than let it go in favor of letting Xanthe have longer than a week of peace. I know now that you said what you did because you were tired, but please... As your friend and as your metamour, I am *begging* you to think just a little bit more about this, to consider what you want and what you're willing to give for it. If this is how you get when you're tired, *please* clarify that. Where miscommunications happen and people are hurt there is still time to make amends and try to right unintentional harm done. If you want to write a message to Lil explaining that, I will ensure he gets it. I will go to the ends of this multiverse to make sure this relationship works because I care about you. All of you. ... Buff?

trolljacksparrow ...wwhats a metamour?

aberrantcadenza We have mutual lover. So, through Xanthe, you are my metamour, and vice-versa.

trolljacksparrow .......thats adorable okay that wwas a vvideogame metaphor basically i can sense people's wwill/hope and either take it or imbue it

aberrantcadenza :00 Damn.

trolljacksparrow alright howwevver, wwhat am i supposed to do wwhen The Shit happens again, as it inevvitably wwill? also - you think that getting him to unblock me just to read a message dressing him dowwn for his arguement skills is a good idea? really?

aberrantcadenza The point of this hypothetical message isn't to dress him down. It's to explain what you meant vs what may have been perceived, because whether or not you intended for it to be worded harshly, it came across that way. Disengage. If you see things start to go south, disengage. If you feel it's appropriate to do so, apologize and step back. If you don't trust yourself but things still need to be resolved, get me or Xanthe.

trolljacksparrow i mean...you knoww thats howw hell percievve it, especially coming from me "hey i didnt mean to be petty i just meant you suck at arguing"

aberrantcadenza As I said: I will go to the ends of this multiverse to make sure this relationship works. If clarification is needed, I will provide it. I'll help you edit your message to be seamless. I will ensure Lil doesn't take it the wrong way. I would vouch for both of you until the day I cease existing.

trolljacksparrow thats some serious determination oh, are you gonna invvite me or?

aberrantcadenza :??

trolljacksparrow to the alternia

aberrantcadenza Yeah. ... Just think about what I said, please?

trolljacksparrow yeah?

aberrantcadenza It doesn't have to be now.

trolljacksparrow i wwill i should probably send that message wwhen im /not/ solar-flare furious at him for upsetting my belovved though

aberrantcadenza I cordially invite you to come visit us, etc. etc. I don't think these invitations need a set format, but if they do, you're invited. -- [althivecoords.txt] --

trolljacksparrow aight omww

aberrantcadenza Lmao, *you're* furious? Keep your anger to a minimum. Do what you need to do to make that happen. We're doing this for Xanthe.

trolljacksparrow wwhy do you think im not engaging???????

aberrantcadenza Just making sure we're hardened-sediment clear.

#ooc post #trolljacksparrow #hereticalsym69ls #roseredmutant #/#log archives

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