#cybertrashnacho

[agirldying]

it is a disgusting looking creature, no typical animal. gruesome features and breath that wreaks of decay.

it walked up to me- the very first time ive ever seen one- it came up to me...slowly...with a closed smile. I was naively looking up at it as if I had found something nice and friendly to keep around while offering a smile back. seeing it now from a clearer lens, I know it was planning my downfall and how it fantasized about preying on me. no creature that comes from a devious personality can come from a place of love or security. its a contradiction. every smile was malicious. every squinted eye studying me across the room, watching carefully was never staring out of love. it has been evil since it was birthed. it studies its prey with a type of watchfulness, looking for a way in.

it won't ever have its way with me again. it or I will die before that happens.

I associate my abuser with demonic creatures sometimes. im sick of waking up to the same abusive shit everyday. im high right now (I just rolled 3 blunts lmao) so I dont have to deal with my abusers but they're always around. i might die soon some day but maybe ill be back to say hi before I go. I found your page a long time ago but only ever read asks. -Sabrina (they/she)

Hi Sabrina,

I just want to say that your description of your abuser was really beautifully crafted from a creative writing standpoint, and I really encourage you to try writing poetry or prose if you don't already.

I also think it's totally justified to associate your abuser with demonic creatures, because tbh they literally are sometimes.

Thank you for following my blog (I mean this more figuratively than anything else) and for using it as your own space as well.

I hope you are able to get to a safe place and live a long happy life. I think you know you deserve that. It can be unbearable to live with your abusers, so I feel for you. Like I said, I hope you can get away from them soon.

#text #asks #cybertrashnacho #trauma #tw #abusers #ptsd #cptsd #vent #trauma vent

[agirldying]

hey I'm back. I feel like a fool about to type this:

I really dont see myself living much longer.

being an adult in this kind of world is not just hard but also not interesting to me.

I didnt ask for any of this money shit my life isnt in its worth on paper.

our identities are just numbers.

I didnt consent to authority nor do I want to be within a hierarchy that I didnt consent to.

I dont want my schedule to have had to be fixed for me since kindergarten.

its not even just the trauma its just everything. my whole personality is not typical and my wants and needs are not "normal"

I know a lot of people can relate to hating the way society works and having government or at least how it works, I just dont want any authority or government. im anti- all of it.

I hate being told what to do. I hate having expectations. I hate caring about people more than they do about me ive felt that way since I was a little kid. im anhedonic I think idk. I hate too much and I feel like I give off sad or angry or negative energy so I try to act as funny and happy around people as possible.

my book or whatever I should call it isnt near completion. but ill post it online for free regardless. its too retraumatizing to recount everything. I get shakes. im trying to find websites or make my own to post it up for public view but idk what to use yet.

tbh the idea that I'M in control of my life and can end it when I want sometimes makes me feel euphoric and I think it helps to get through another day. well see.

Hi Cyber (should I call you Sabrina?),

I don't really know if you'll find much comfort in this but you're definitely not alone. I can definitely relate to feeling like adulthood is overwhelming and simultaneously boring, feeling a level of resentment for being thrust into a society with specific confusing and costly structures and expectations, etc. I hear you.

While I think it's definitely possible that you're anhedonic I also think it's likely that your ability to feel pleasure is covered up by a lot of things, including (potentially undigested?) trauma. But as for what you said about feeling like you give off bad energy so you compensate by being super positive, I have an extremely similar situation which I've concluded was impostor syndrome. I don't know if you've looked into it at all or if you think that's a possibility but I wouldn't rule it out either.

I completely understand the difficulty around recounting everything like that. While writing my expose I have had several mental breakdowns and at this point I just start dissociating and getting really spacey. As for things to publish it on, you could do what I'm doing and just make a spicy google doc. Or some things I've done are: Wordpress, Wix, and even its own tumblr blog. tbh making your own tumblr blog for it might be the best bet because it's basically your own free html website and you can change the timestamps so posts are in the order you want them to appear, not to mention all the different ways to customize the page (try viewing this blog through agirldying.tumblr.com).

I'm just really sorry about your situation and I do care about you so I hope that you live on and I just wish nothing but the best for you.

#text #asks #sabrina anon #cybertrashnacho #vent #tw #writing about trauma