#crowsas trauma

[madoumonogatarirunelord]

Swear TW

Meet the family!!! We have:

Runelord, an actual canon character who is done with Tumblr's bullshit.

Runelord: "I believe that sums things up rather well."

Crowsa, Runelord's #1 hater who may or may not be a cannibalistic freak (he also uses Google Translate).

Crowsa: "THAT IS NO WAY TO SPEAK OF YOUR PRINCE!"

Void, a fucking asshole.

Void: "Well fuck you too!"

Null, trauma bean (He's a fucked up eldritch abomination sealed inside of a humanoid body), such a lil silly!!!

Null: "I'm what n-now?"

#puyo puyo #madou monogatari #madou monogatari runelord #null puyo puyo #null (oc) #void puyo puyo #void (oc) #crowsa rana #crowsa (oc) #crowsa puyo puyo

[crowsent]

.

#crowsas trauma #crowsas babble #im tired. hot. hungry. and my leg is just #my shoulders too. conga line of misery over here #today is a bad bad day

[crowsent]

2 good news and 1 bad news

good news is that my left leg is getting better on a more permanent-ish feeling. so i might be able to use it with full functionality after a month? maybe three. but leg is def getting better

other good news is that fanfics are being worked on again. SLOWLY but bein worked on

#bad news is that i have not eaten in 72 hours and that anything i do eat immediately gets purged out of my system #crowsas trauma

[crowsent]

sure would be nice if my parents could actually talk to me for once instead of assuming that they can buy my happiness and trust by giving me a smallass mug with a kitty on it and then being upset that i use all of our PERFECTLY NORMAL-SIZED MUGS instead of the small mug they got. sure would be nice to ask me if i wanted something instead of assuming that i will then getting upset bc i have no use for it

sure would be FUCKING NICE

#crowsas trauma #we are bringing depression into this fine fine morning lads

[crowsent]

do you think my mother would finally get the hint that im not straight if i add more queer flags in my room? i mean, i have a giant rainbow flag pinned to the wall, smaller rainbow flags on my desk, several queer t-shirts, an ace flag, and several paintings of galaxies in gay colours. do you think shell get the hint if i add more flags to my room?

#crowsas trauma #crowsas babble

[crowsent]

SO. all of you must be pretty dam fuckign tired of me complaining but this was a vent blog before i mellowed out and we jus going back to our roots. if, somehow, you missed the six thousand times i complained about my eyesight, here’s the loop. i wear glasses. i have bad eyesight. i am extremely photophobic. definition of photophobia: fancy science way of saying light sensitivity. i.e: i cant look at bright lights

my laptop brightness is set to dim. my bedroom light is set to the lowest setting. if its sunny outside i have to look directly at the ground and squint bc that much light is painful to me. indoor lighting of malls is a bitch bc its so damn bright

so i dont like light. aight. okay. thats the context. GUESS WHAT MY MOTHERS DOIN YALL

GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKERS

“hey, i have a child who hates bright lights. seven different doctors have told me that my offspring is not advised to look at bright lights bc of the whole photophobia thing. doctors have told me that my child’s eyes gets hurt by bright light”

LETS GO TO A LIGHT SHOW

but wait! not just ANY light show

A NEON LIGHT SHOW

haha kill me yall. she already got the tickets and were going tonight to a brightass neon light show pray for me pls

#crowsas trauma #:) #:))) this is fine #lets see how fast i dissociate from that scenario

[crowsent]

yknow. if your child is crying. you should uh. probably. not violently swear at him?????

i love my cousin. but sometimes i just. bruh. hes crying. he wants comfort. why tf would you swear at him?

#crowsas trauma

[crowsent]

How do you stay so cheerful? I read your tags and you seem like a funny and happy person. What's your secret?

had this ask for a while and i had no idea how to tackle this. lowkey no idea how you thought i was a funny and happy person from my tags since all i do is bitch about shit but uh. thanks? no idea how you got this impression of me but its very kind of you to say this. so. anyway.

im not cheerful. i havent been genuinely cheerful since the third grade. when i was in fourth grade i was already bitter and cynical and constructed so many walls around myself and my emotions that now, years later, i have no idea how to bring them down. by fifth grade, i became an angry and petty person. by sixth grade i developed trust issues. by seventh grade, i learned how to use humour to deflect everything and ignore the world. i think my first depressive episode was when i was ten. i straight contemplated whether or not i should be alive when i was ten and it only got worse from there.

me trying to be as kind as i can to others doesnt necessarily mean that im cheerful. its just that me being sad and tired and angry does not mean that i can be cruel or unkind to other people. its unfair of me to take out my frustrations about everything in my life on the world, so i try my best to be good and kind and be as respectful and courteous as i can be. the peppy excitable attitude i have is a farce so i dont bring in my negativity onto people who have nothing to do with my issues.

BUT. that doesnt mean that i cant try. people say fake it til you make it and thats what im doing. or trying to. im not actually genuinely happy but trying to keep my spirits up is infinitely better than just stewing in my depression. its a struggle to put on a smile and not say the first cynical thing that pops into my head, but i have to try. recovery is a process. its not a race, its a marathon. and for me, its a marathon with the goal being moved further and further away every so often. but if i dont at least try to run, then im never getting anywhere.

life is shit. for me at least. my depression is painful. i have chronic pains that sucks like a fucking turbo powered vacuum and sometimes i get suicidal ideations and have to lock myself in my room so i dont wander into the kitchen. but that doesnt mean that itll be shit forever. or that itll be bad every day. if today was something conjured from the depths of hell, maybe tomorrow would be good. or at the very least, suck less. so ill pretend to be happy, maybe crack a few jokes, and thatll distract me from the now.

and if my writing or my jokes or the comments i make brings a smile to someones face or makes their day brighter by a fraction or even makes them forget the present, even if its just for a little bit, then good. just because im miserable, doesnt mean that everyone else has to be. if i can make someone smile then im happy.

if youre struggling with depression or anxiety or something in your personal life and looking for a reason to be cheerful, then find a reason. any reason. maybe you have a pet. or maybe you have a fav show or book or something. maybe you have a hobby. maybe you have some friends you promised to hang out with or some chores you need to do or some yoga or singing or whatever. i cant give you a secret way to be cheerful because i dont have one. the method i use for dealing with suicidal thoughts is to lock myself in a room where there’s nothing i can use to hurt myself with and wait for the ideations to pass. that method might make things worse for you. it might not work. i dont know your situation. the only advise i can give you is to keep living. any reason to live is worth it. dont care what the reason is. hope. faith. love. spite. find a reason to live and live. the best i can say is that most of my joy comes from writing so try and find a hobby that you like.

tl;dr: anon. i try to just be as kind and positive as i can be and hope for something good happening tomorrow. kinda got derailed a lil bit there. sorry.

also. i feel like i should mention this.

im not cheerful and im not happy. im just a very good liar.

#crowsas trauma #crowsas answers #the fake it til you make it approach tho #it has merit. it has value. it can literally help you change your outlook #yknow how makin self deprecatin jokes over and over makes it second nature? #like the guess ill die memes and all that shit? #it actually impacts your mental health #the more you do it the more you believe it #until you cant tell if youre making a joke or an actual comment about your current state of mental wellbeing #saying im trash even ironically can seed something negative in you #and the more you do it the worse it gets #it becomes subconscious #so do the opposite #compliment yourself every chance you get #make note of something beautiful you see or hear or feel #focus on the good #my tactic of dealing with everything in my life is aggressive positivity #try that #no guarantee itll work but trying is better than not trying #im sorry i cant give you a better answer to your question anon #but try to be kind #be kind to others bc theres a special joy in helping someone else #and be kind to yourself #it okay if you dont feel happy all the time #no one does #but being harsh on yourself isnt going to help #so try and treat yourself w kindness too #tomorrow might be good #hang in there

[crowsent]

Salt

yknow my plans for watching angel beats again? nvm that bc im not watching anything. i cant hear anything over the screaming match in the next fucking room over. my cousin is arguing with her husband (again) and the walls are thin. i have never heard a woman use the word putangina like it was a goddamn comma with such redundancy before. theyre arguing about the car my cousin bought for him bc he told her he wanted that car but changed his mind. and holy shit the argument is circular as fuck.

“eh kasi sinabi mo na 500 lang. kinuha ko yung sasakyan para sayo. para sayo naman yan eh. ikaw yung may gusto ng kotse kaya pinalitan ko. wag kang gago. hindi ako may gusto nun. ikay yung may gusto. ikaw. wag kang ganyan. ikaw yung dahilan. wala akong hinihingi sayo sa lahat ng hinirap ko ‘tas ako yung tanga? alam mo pala na masyadong malaki yung sinisingil sakin wala kang sinabi. wala kang sinabi na niloloko ko. sa tingin mo gusto kong mahirapan sarili ko sa pagbabayad? tangina. putangina mo [husbands name]. putangina mo [husband name]. putangina hidi pa nga ako dapat bibili ng kotse eh. puntangina mo wala kang sinabi sakin nong araw na yon. putangina naman tong buhay to, ako nanaman yung mali. putangina naman. putangina. para sakin nalang. para mahirapan ako. para sakin. para sakin nalang putangina mo. ako na yung tanga. tarantado. putang ina mo. tang ina mo.”

thats her side. which is just screaming. his side is no better which is just  “hindi mo naman sinabi sa’kin na ayaw mo ‘tas pinirmahan mo agad yung kotse. di ko kasalanan” in as many different words as possible that makes her sound like an idiot.

the argument should have been over twenty minutes ago. but like. he is just insisting that she should have listened to him and that shes overreacting (she’s not btw. idk what the fuck hes on) and hes spinning some tale that she deserved to be paying that much even though she doesnt??????

and theyre arguing like this with their children in their room. and come morning theyre gonna blame this argument on the children bc theyre the ones that make things difficult. and i cant do anything bc the walls are thin enough that i can listen to this whole shitshow in real time. audiobooks? forget that shit, have a front-row seat to family drama at THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

i have my headphones on at a p loud volume and they still manage to outshout the goddamn surround sound bass-boosted noise-cancelling headphones like howlers. the neighbours are gonna yell at us again. my nephew’s gonna ask me why his parents are fighting again and what the fuck am i supposed to say????

“oh, dont worry nephew, theyre fighting over a car and theyre gonna scream at you later for being a burden on them and for doing everything wrong despite not having anything to do with their current conflict. please dont develop any emotional or mental trauma over them SCREAMIN in the same room as you.”

fucking hell.

its like listening to my parents have their verbal gymnastic logic-devoid screaming matches. but WORSE. at least my parents take it outside. or in the kitchen. or try to keep their volume low. these motherfuckers dont bother w any of that shit.

AND THEY SLAMMED THE DOOR.

like they straight slammed it.

holy shit this night is a disaster

i dont even wanna watch anything anymore. i just wanna sleep now bc im not even involved in the conversation but i sure as fuck am exhausted by it.

#crowsas trauma #i am a gossipy bitch yeah #this happens a lot but just #tonight was esp bad #THEYRE STILL GOING AT IT

[crowsent]

i think i sprained my right wrist????? idk. its not moving right. esp my pinky and ring fingers. 

#thing is. i dont feel pain as much. esp in my extremities #i cant tell if my right wrist is in pain or not #crowsas trauma

[crowsent]

Frankenstein: Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?

my overprotected upbringing, plus the toxic relationship that formed when i was in my childhood, plus debilitating anxiety and trust issues, plus crippling self-doubt, plus my overprotective parents, kind of made me unhealthily co-dependent on other people. im working on fixing that, but sometimes, its fucking difficult

#crowsas answers #crowsas trauma

[crowsent]

26, 56, 63

26: What are you craving right now? = Love and affection. Hugs and cuddles. Someone to comb through my long-ass hair while I lay my head on their lap. Was that too sappy? It’s too sappy. 

56: How many people have you fist fought? = I don’t know the exact number. I do know, however, that I have physically fought a lot of people. Most of it was when I was young, when I was a freshman in highschool, and mostly because they were bullying some queer kids, or one of my friends. I always kept it out of campus though. No one needs to see a bunch of people fighting. If you mean recently, then no. I don’t like the violent side of me, and I’m trying to move away from things and people that taught me to hit first and think second. Also bc of my leg. I haven’t done much of anything since my left leg incident.

63: Would you change your name? = Hell yeah. I hate the name that is on my legal documents. I’d change it if I could

#crowsas answers #crowsas trauma

[crowsent]

ujebqwjholhwsdnbsdbkjaskjwujsdbkjaesbdcvjfhn my fucking BRAIN is doing that thing again

its doing the bad chemical thing

my vibes are not good right now

im gonna go eat something. maybe sleep

its 12:30 pm and i havent slept yet

i should sleep

or eat first

idk

#crowsas babble #crowsas trauma

[crowsent]

.

#today is one of THOSE days. tired even tho i just took a nap. hungry even tho thinking about eatin makes me nauseous #this fucking sucks shit yall #crowsas trauma

[crowsent]

yall know that tune in jack in the boxes. the one where you wind up and this tune plays? i have no idea why but that tune specifically makes me panic. like full-on “we are in danger” panic. i have never been to a carnival or seen an irl clown or anything associated with that jack in the box theme but every fucking time a song uses that as a motif, or if a child passing me on the street sings it, or w/e i just go into panic mode

#crowsas trauma #crowsas speaks

[crowsent]

my mind is like a goddamn desert.

its dry as shit

devoid of ideas

irritating to be in

can i just like. astral project my consciousness out of my brain please??? i want to experience life without the depression debuff.

#crowsas trauma #i have had the urge to smash a plate over my head for the past two hours #why