#correct i am still on my...gwainthian? kick

[lit-in-thy-heart]

'I just want to scream sometimes,' Mith said, now on their third brownie and draped across Gwaine’s lap on his sofa. 'It's like I don't know what it is that isn't right, but I know something isn't right, you know?'

Gwaine, on their third packet of Skips, licked his fingers. 'Yeah. And it's only when someone says something that makes you hesitate that you realise that's the thing that isn't right.'

'Exactly!' Mith sat up a little straighter and reached into Gwaine’s crisp packet. 'It's like Lance referred to me as a woman the other day and I didn't say anything but I was internally thinking "yeah, I'm not so sure".' Their head fell forward, sending a waterfall of hair cascading across her face. 'I don't know. It doesn't help that I feel like half a person at times because I feel so disconnected from my own sense of identity.' A long groan issued forth. 'I'm sorry.'

Tucking their hair behind her ear, Gwaine offered Mith the crisps again. 'No, it's okay. You're not half a person, though, hon. Your gender identity is just one aspect of you, it's not your whole being. I'm sure if you told Lancelot about not wanting to be referred to as a woman then he'd understand. He loves you.'

'It's hard,' she whispered, eyes closed. 'It's hard to explain it to him when I can't even explain it to myself. It fluctuates, too, sometimes, which is really frustrating. Every time I think I'm close to getting somewhere, it just slips away from me.'

'You're not half a person, though, Mith, don't ever think that.'

Mith fell against their shoulder. 'I'll try. I just...' They let out a sigh. 'I'm too tired for this. I don't have the energy to question everything. But then I can't stop thinking about it. Have you got another brownie to stuff in my mouth to shut me up?'

Gwaine kissed their forehead. 'I know, hon, I know. It can get exhausting, going round in circles.' They hesitated. 'I don't want you to shut up, but I have got another brownie if you would like one.'

'If that's okay,' Mith whispered.

'Of course,' replied Gwaine, kissing her forehead again. 'Want to watch some Mystery Incorporated?'

'Absolutely.' Mith opened their eyes with a faint smile. 'Thank you for letting me rant, love.'

'Any time,' murmured Gwaine, stroking their hair. 'Any time.'

#correct i am still on my...gwainthian? kick #we really need to settle on a ship name i need to research #mithian #gwaine #gwainthian #gwainthian gender #fuck it let's make that a tag #merlin #bbc merlin #merlin fanfic #lit writes