#changed or the same patterns are showing up or whatever. idk. it’s fucking annoying bc i only have myself now and i can’t even be there for

[pepprs]

it’s actually fucking stupid that journaling actually makes me worse now. like what the hell else am i supposed to do

#purrs #writing (or reading my writing) about bad things that have happened and trying to make sense of them and see how much distance ive gotten #from them now only makes me feel miserable because i was suffering horrors and was literally right about everything and also nothing has #changed or the same patterns are showing up or whatever. idk. it’s fucking annoying bc i only have myself now and i can’t even be there for #myself in the way iknow i need someone to be there for me. relatedly when im experiencing horrors beyond belief i just want to take whoever #im mad at into a giant field and scream at them where no bystander can hear us or intervene or get their feelings hurt. i want freedom and i #want energetic reciprocity. i want to express myself and be met with equal expression. the most helpful thing people can do when im #spiralling is to methodically destroy the spiral and not give up after just one chunk. stay there and don’t leave. like why is it so fucking #hard to… idk. that’s neither here nor there im getting in the weeds. my mental health was doing better for a few days bc i was pretending #none of the horrors happened but i tried to reflect on them tonight and now it’s 1:33 and im spiralling and i have to get thru the rest of t #week and probably be alone and i only have myself now.a nd i always only did i guess. so whatever. i don’t want to be miserable and surly at #work tomorrow but i probably will be and i don’t want to say it’s gonna be a bad day before it’s even started but it probably will be. augh. #delete later