#cancelling it so close to the date to. it wasnt even for covid reasons. they wouldnt tell me why other than saying they didnt want to like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jackalopefreckles · 3 years

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I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

#TIRED #happy covid anniversary #time to post this without reading it lmao #long post #rambles

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onyx-void · 4 years

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How’s life going for you?

Hey, sorry, think it's been a few days since I got this anon. Short story, it's been alright, can't complain.

Long story; bit of background- I met my best friend about a decade ago, when I was like 12 or 13, over the xbox. We got really close over the years, just hanging out. Overtime, while we were in later years of high school, we decided to go into the film business, so I we both went down that education track, me in Texas, him in New Jersey. Eventually, about June/July of last year, he offered, and I accepted, an opportunity to be roommates in New Jersey to really work on our film career. We had this idea of a company for years by now, and we were really gonna do it. We put in a lot of effort, created a lot of plans and ideas and paperwork. We gathered people and resources whenever we could.

So I move out of my parents house for the first time, 21 years old, and fly to New Jersey to start a new life. We do okay, finding the odd job or two, making it work. He tries really hard to help me along, in areas he thinks I'm lacking, like style, diet, ""personality."" I've got a fair few friends now, all through him, but I was always an introvert anyway. One mutual friend I really got to like. Anyway, theres some drama but I wasnt really involved. It passed. Then Covid comes in right as i was planning to visit home for my birthday (about two weeks ago now). He apparently didnt like the fact I was going, kinda freaking out about covid, understandable, but I went anyway. While I'm visiting home, about 6 months after I left for the first time, I'm talking to our mutual friend a lot, and then it turns out that a *lot* of drama went down right after I left, and he hears I'm talking with the friend, and gives me an ultimatum. "Stop talking to them or stay in Texas." Now, mind you, this was supposed to be a short trip, I had a return ticket booked less than a week later. To me, it wasnt really an option. That was my *home.* my life. But I didnt like the idea of being threatened to either lose my home or lose a friend, so I told him that. He canceled the ultimatum and just decided to kick me out. (His dad, awesome guy, paid for everything; rent and such.) So I pretty much lost everything anyway, but i think it was for the best. The reason for the ultimatum, well, it's real personal and not my story, but for him to say that was just. the pettiest thing I've ever heard, and completely idiotic, cause it was *at least* half his fault anyway. And none of it involved me, except I just wanted to keep talking with our mutual friend.

Anyway, past all that, middle of a pandemic I had to move back in with my family, here now for the foreseeable future, completely scraping the filmmaking career cause I realized I never really wanted to do it anyway, fuck him for pressuring me literally our whole friendship to constantly be someone I'm not in the name of "improving."

So now I'm gonna be a carpenter cause I love the idea of homeownership and really want a nice house with 5 acres and a mountain view, probably somewhere in the Northeast cause ngl i miss that climate.

If I regret any of it, it's the friends I had to leave behind. I thought we were getting close, and I was really looking forward to pursuing a relationship in someone I was real interested in. Ha. To be completely honest, I'm 22, and I've never even been on a date. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but maybe ill try to get into the dating scene after the pandemic. Fingers crossed, I guess.

#this ended up longer than i expected #vent #ask me more questions ill tell you no lies #long post #thanks for letting me vent #anon #edit #ha!#like 10 min. after posting this #got a tinder notification saying someone liked me #maybe its a sign to get back on tinder lol

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