#can't stand my own work

[jessaerys]

sun visits the moon at spk headquarters and gets so so so sleepy

#death note #my art #meronia #mihael keehl #nate river #mello dn #near dn #mellonear #trying out this new thing where i post quick art that is entirely for my own self-indulgent amusement here #this was an exercise in letting go of a piece as soon as possible and you can tell i failed because i couldn't stop retouching it #here and there. OLD HABITS DIE HARD but [with passion and confidence] expect a drop in quality/finishedness #kind of very into the colors here i like exaggerating their colors and saturations. their sun and moon codedness compels me #i also think people aren't as much into this ship because they assume they have very rigid [pardon my language] seme/uke roles and i'm like #[standing on soapbox] [crazy ex gf voice] the situation is actually a lot more nuanced than that #but these tags are long and i can't get into the push and pull power dynamics of it all. mello can heel is all i'm saying #ok that's all i have work to get back to drawing for work ( <- girl who just took a two hour break from drawing to draw) #brothercrush.txt

[zoideramy]

Dragon's Perch

[Zoids Berserk Fury - Supernova ZA (3rd party kit)]

#Zoids #ゾイド #Berserk Fury #Berserk Furher #Mecha #Plamo #Model Kits #Zoids Models #Supernova #3rd party kits #bootleg zoid #Any Fury pics are going to be of this guy since my HMM Fury can't stand on its own #The posey toes on the supernova version are also a great addition #I just wish I could photograph them together more but nothing I've tried has stiffened HMM Fury's joints enough to work with ;_: #Auklaras Zoids #Auklaras HMMs #Auklaras Photography

[brown-little-robin]

things I have learned today

you can get dehydrated and a headache from crying

Sai isn't coming back

I don't care how beautiful the symbolism of the younger generation rising to take the legacy of the older generation and play it out is, death is not the way things are meant to be

I definitely, definitely am meant to be a writer

#once again I would like to say. *sniff* I need to come up with a story based on Hikaru no Go #HikaGo can certainly stand on its own!! but it made me so upset I can't NOT remix it into my own work #hikaru no goposting

[nostalgicatsea]

A few years ago, @cathalinaheart recorded two podfics of my fics, and I encourage everyone to give them a listen.

Podfics are so cool once you get over your embarrassment and shyness of being seen, especially in a way that you're not used to lol. It's magical to hear your words come to life, in the voice of someone who enjoyed your writing enough to read it aloud to others and back to you.

Somehow, it makes it even realer that there's another person out there who opened my fic on their phone or computer and spent time with it. It feels more intimate like it's just that reader and me and the words I excavated from someplace deep inside existing in the space between us.

All this is to say, these podfics are special to me and even more so because they're the first two I ever received! For some reason, I never imagined someone podficcing any of my fics.

WOW, I'M DIGRESSING. WHAT ARE THE FICS AND WHERE ARE THE LINKS TO CAT'S PODFICS, YOU ASK? Here they are:

"The Burning of Flowers" - 616 Hickmanvengers Steve/Tony Hanahaki AU

"In My Hands and Gone Again" - post-Endgame Steve/Tony amnesia AU

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THESE, CAT!<3

#stevetony #superhusbands #stony #steve/tony #my fics #podfic #gifts #oh...maybe the way that your words come back to you like that is where the embarrassment comes in for me #there's a degree of separation with other gifts because they're an interpretation of your work #whereas there's still interpretation in podfics but it's your own words lobbed straight back at your face at 100 mph #so you can't hide fdksfjaj #if you must know i'm that person who gets embarrassed when people sing happy birthday to me #and while that's different that probably won't come as a surprise to people reading this although this is 10 times nicer #it's not people staring at you and singing #and the only appropriate thing to do is stare back smiling and standing/sitting in place #wow that makes me sound like i hate people doing that. i don't! i feel awkward but it's wonderful that people care #that you exist in the world! that you were born into it #okay back to podfics #it's really cool to hear where emotions come in for podficcers! it's a novel experience and one that i deeply appreciate #and i get to respond to and interact with those emotions too

[visceravalentines]

this is a post scribbled angrily in glitter pen in my diary pls ignore <3

#this is so insecure and bullshit but like #sometimes writing fics is. no fun #bc you feel like you can't keep up with other writers just churning out fics and they're all so good and nuanced and better than yours #or bc you can't keep up with your own brain and all the ideas and you don't have the time to do them all justice #or bc you just can't get a spark of a conversation with other fans to catch fire the way you want to so you're just. #spinning wheels in your own head wishing you were better faster friendlier less alone #and let's not forget the fucking commodification of fandom #getting messages in your inbox only to find it's people harping for more content for a fandom on the back burner or a fic you've left behin #i love that you love my work like that but. it makes me feel like i'm at a family reunion and my aunt is asking me about the job i had #two jobs ago #and somehow you keep getting those messages even tho your current work is sparse on comments and reblogs #so you spend your slivers of free time writing something you hope is good for these characters you love only to feel like you're standing #alone in the street hawking a mediocre finished product and everyone is walking past you disinterested #it's fucking isolating. it's draining #you can only write “for yourself” so much before it's not worth the time and effort #obviously i will keep writing. but like. it's fucking frustrating. and i feel like a petulant child about it but i just can't shake it #anyway. here's wonderwall or whatever

[simply-sithel]

Absolutely in love with the epic & ongoing bredlik project by @marvinhere over on the @renegadepublishing Discord. This is actually my second (third?) binding, the other one (two?) started back in February but currently languishing in WIP hell. Not quite the floppy, snuggly cow book I wanted/had in mind but it's a good start. Happy to have figured out a construction method for those legs I like & will improve upon next time.

This is volume 3, the poems wrangled and typeset by @marvinhere with illustrations by the mysterious Jenny (IG: thimblejuice). The Discord has been sharing every poem members come across as well as crafting some on the fly. The whole thing is a joyful project and in addition to Marvin's own binding (shared on Discord), @zhalfirin has bound two exquisite copies of it as well [1][2].

Am suuuuper psyched for the next volume currently in the works, so you can expect a herd of these babies at some point!

#very fun to fidget with #fav illustration is the chicken butt one! :D #several mistakes with this (black thread on white! failed to black edges of endpapers) but good proof of concept #little book #book monster #book body #bredlik #poems #other people's work #actually finished sewing this little dude on the airplane #should have used the white paper-- my new cream paper is only good for *some* projects... #the photos lie-- little dude can't really stand on its own on a normal flat surface... will improve next time #bookbinding #sewing

[rowenabean]

.

#just saw a post that was like 'if you have religious or moral objections that stop you from providing certain types of medical care maybe #you shouldn't work in healthcare' (paraphrased) and... #what a way to look at the world tbh #like. they're talking about me i think - i am a conscientious objector when it comes to euthanasia #(which granted has come up exactly twice and both cases in a theoretical capacity only this is not a frequent request to me) #and... i am also a good doctor #last week i told someone that her weight doesn't matter to her health with receipts to prove it and she cried #no one had ever told her that before #and that was something that came from me specifically. that was something i would not trust all of the GPs in my practice - a practice of #excellent and compassionate GPs! - to say #i am verifiably doing good in my job that is coming from specifically who i am as a person #i cannot put that down when it comes to issues i care deeply about #fundamentally the fact that i cannot put it down is what makes me a good doctor #i think that's what i'm trying to get at #the reason that i do well by my patients is that i practice out of my values and my ethics #if i did not stand on that core i would not stand at all #so you can't have it both ways. you can't have engaged and active and compassionate healthcare providers without sometimes those engaged an #active providers having things they do not feel comfortable doing #and it is to everyone's service if they are up front about it and do not try to hide (i am suspicious of people who try to hide this) #i am literally figuring this all out as i type hence the v long tag ramble and also being nowhere near the post that started this train #(honestly in med school we talked so much about ethics as like. abortion! euthanasia! trans rights! and the ethics in practice is the littl #things. do you apologise when you mess up. how do you manage a consult with your patient with paranoid dementia and her child in the same #room at one time - or one by one bc that's fraught too. (that one's on top i had one of those today.) how do you act with grace when #you're a bit stressed and your patient is a bit stressed and the nurse wants to add five more things to your book. the day to day ethics is #SUCH a bigger thing when you come to actual practice.) #this is obviously entirely about me and leans on the fact that i largely do think i am doing a good job i am really feeling my own way #to a Thought. but i think to a certain extent it is generalisable

[hussyknee]

So. Anyone else feeling a little unhinged rn?

#I've had to double my anti depressants #good news is that it's working #bad news is I still can't stay off social media #I saw another dead baby and this time just felt glad she didn't have to suffer this hell anymore #I have never wanted to believe in God more #I'm really glad they do #they believe their children are with God with all their hearts and I've started to imagine that's true too #holding onto their faith when I have none because otherwise I'd go insane #hyperfixating on Gaza for 6 wks while my hyperempathy went utterly haywire #has my brain dead convinced I'm Arab or something #I feel very stupid and guilty about it #like what right have I to claim this grief #and yet it's still easier to focus on than what's going on in my own country #ever since the protests fell apart last year and everything we had such hope for got flushed down the toilet #I just completely shut down #couldn't stand re-engaging with the world anymore #nearly ran out of reasons to keep going entirely this year #then when Gaza happened #I couldn't do anything but watch and learn and disseminate info like my life depended on it #just like with the SL protests #but it galvanized me the same way #I feel like it's breaking me down the same way too #I see all these massive protests and people chaining themselves and lying on the roads and getting thrown around by cops #I always felt that white and Western people could never truly feel our pain and it's amazing to see I was wrong #I feel so much love and awe and gratitude for them #but hope keeps getting dimmer and I'm slipping into despair again #exactly like with the SL protests #I don't want to go through all that betrayal and heartbreak and depression again #nobody that's directly impacted by this knows I exist and all the terrible pain I carry doesn't make a damn bit of difference #so I'm just spiralling alone in my head to no purpose lol

[zevrans]

💀

#i haven't played bg3 for like 5 days or so because i am super busy and my brain decided that's ain't going to work and it NEEDS bg3 content #even if it is of its own production - saw bg3 related dream last night help 😭😭😭 #i don't remember much except that there was a cutscene (i am both in it AND out if it makes sense in weird dream logic) #and after the cutscene shadowheart?? i'm not even sure it was entirely her but it was a woman who without prompt kisses my character 👀 #i would have said it was a win if gale wasn't standing right there and saw that and just as i (not my character 🤡) walked over to him to #explain it was a misunderstanding and that i (or we?? idk man dream logic 😹) actually love HIM #he started running away from me 😭😭😭 because he was so upset (this was SO out of character for him i'm bfmffj) #and binch was running fast as hell too i barely maanged to catch up and start explaining WHEN #the dream rewinded (which was essentially a save reload before the scene im 😭💀) #and the kiss scene played out again but this time it was as if we were just friends with gale and he just stand there like 👁👄👁 #i still can't understand if it was shadowheart or like someone not even from bg3 😭 #ANYWAYS good morning eveyone 💀👋 #tbd

[malewifehenrycooldown]

yeah yeah i got recommended that Henry Cooldown analysis video whatever. i am still not over people comparing Henry to a medieval knight, NOT even taking the time to unpack that said mental image of a knight is 'mostly' associated with the British Monarchy*, an extension of its Empire that *checks notes* did a long list of atrocities like imperialism and colonialism, and also (multiple) genocides.

Henry is NOT British, he is Irish. Although considering the history of Ireland and how poorly the British Empire has treated them (amongst SO MANY OTHER COUNTRIES AND DIASPORAS), yeah it's NOT surprising that an Irish man like Henry is essentially forced to adopt quote on quote 'British sensibilities' to 'survive'. <- intentional imagery or not, the implications are not lost on me.

Like okay, calling out the comparison is cool but it sure would be nice if people went further to unpack what that means and implies in the long term. you know, like ACTUAL CRITICAL ANALYSIS?!

#I COULD do a whole essay about this. but i don't have the spoons to do so. #this is were i drop the big ball of information about me because fun fact! I am IRISH AND SCOTTISH. AND GREEK. so like. #so yeah i REALLY don't like the british #i hope in alternate universe i make youtube video essays about no more heroes and successfully argue how its about inter-generational traum #shallow rambles #nomoreposting #technically I was quite surprised by being recommended it. but looking at the comments i realised that their interpretation #is like the buy the books obvious surface level analysis of henry's character. not actually. thinking about the deeper things #behind his character. like. are we really going to ignore how his memories were wiped when he was adopted? okay. #to me henry is an example of someone finally confronting their trauma. how they cope is a whole other thing but henry is second #to jeane (the sister) that actually takes the time to confront the trauma although unfortunately this is mostly implied off-screen #travis BARELY acknowledges how fucked up it was for him and his siblings to be split apart and raised by different families #this got really fucking personal and i don't think anyone has actually cared enough to even consider the historical subtext #of these characters but that's just my take. #also i'm not fucking listening to a man explain to me what henry is. you know in a filmbro way. i have my own brain and interpretation and #that is all that matters to me. if you liked the guys video that's fine but honestly i am just not that interested in the essay. #you like henry for the rivalry trope. I like henry for other reasons that are open ended. we are NOT the same. #btw not EVERYTHING is about kill the past. it feels so reductive to ONLY analyse suda's work as a connected series #because it implies each one can't stand on their own merits!! that's NOT good analysis!! his work can stand on their own individually! #*about the whole knight and british monarchy thing there are other knights in other countries but unfortunately we only #think about knights in a VERY british-centric way. just thought to bring that up. #no i wont make a video essay about any of this i value my anonymity. #no i won't apologise for waking up and choosing violence today

[drawnecromancy]

Velial Telren, at age 21, is already part of the elite of Nesean wizards.

He wishes to study spatial magic. Has wished so his entire life. He is incredibly competitive and skilled and works relentlessly towards his goals.

Spatial magic, however, is not a field open to just anyone. It is highly volatile and dangerous, and, crucially, only a court wizard can do actual work on the subject outside of theory. And theory is good, certainly, but it's not what's going to bring leaps forwards, at least according to Velial.

So he works to become the court wizard.

He is told, years before he's a wizard, that it's impossible. No one in their right mind wants to become court wizard unless they have some kind of strong attachment to the royal family. He shrugs and gets back to work.

Velial Telren, at age 21, is the youngest court wizard Neseah has ever known.

He's been better than anyone else on technical, theoretical, and practical tests. He has lists and lists of ideas, of theories to protect not only the royal family but the kingdom itself, and despite barely knowing them he gains their trust incredibly fast.

And so he asks to take the oath.

King Nelvaren and queen Nakaveh are hesitant despite their trust in the young man - he is only twenty-one. Taking an oath like this is no small undertaking. It would, quite literally, weigh on him for his entire life unless it was broken by a royal or by his own skill and willpower - something incredibly hard to do even for the best wizards.

But he assures them this is what he has wanted his entire life and they relent.

Velial Telren, at age 21, is the sole expert on spatial magic in Neseah who is allowed practical experiments as well as theoretical.

And he shares his findings with the rest of academia and participates in lectures and discourse and seminars.

He's bound to the royal family of Neseah for his entire life, and he considers this duty worth it.

However, Velial Telren has a problem.

At the height of twenty-one years of age, the oldest he's ever been, the smartest he's ever been, the most knowledgeable he's ever been...

Velial has beef with a 14 year old with too much wits for his own good.

#this post got long LOL #my writing #velial telren #the fall of neseah #maran of neseah #(but like only mentioned at the end) #this is so fucking funny to me #you devote your life to a family. but you can't stand their 14 year old #there's a few complicated things at play here tbh #including the fact that unlike his own family; the royal family isn't particularly encouraging Maran to be the bestest at what he's doing #they've learned their lesson with Laevna; Renia and Elyzen #and all of the siblings basically band around the younger idiot and go nuh huh nope he's not getting pressured into shit #and so Maran just does whatever he wants and it happens to b magic #and Velial is So so seething by the fact that this kid with clear talent and who's so smart is Not the competitive type #'where is your ambition!!! where is your drive to win!!!' #'i made a construct today mr telren :)' #incredible. #hey velial uh. wanna unpack some things about being a gifted kid and pushed to your limits always #and believing it should also how the world works for everyone

[thatswhatsushesaid]

I'm never going to understand why people drop shit like this in the general fandom tags

like. okay, thanks for sharing your opinion with the class, I guess. have you considered just not tagging your pointless character/ship hate, or was this part of the fun for you

just exclude jgy/lxc from your ao3 search results and move on with your life, jesus christ

#salty peak sect 🧂 #this would be like if I decided to just deposit all of my anti x!cheng and x!sang opinions unprompted in those character or ship tags #like it's no secret I can't stand them but I'm not going to yuck someone else's yum over it #also it's super weird to me that op is #in their own words #irrationally angry and disgusted by xiyao #like if I discover that I experience irrational negative feelings about anything I at least want to understand why I feel that way #sometimes the reasons are stupid and personal and that's fine #sometimes there's an unconscious bias at work that needs to be examined more closely #no idea if that applies to op but all the same #maybe these were thoughts that should've just stayed inside thoughts

[altruistic-meme]

ok brain why did we choose to have issues today. why. i do not need this. i do not have enough of a distraction to deal with this.

#due to training 90% of my shift today is kinda just Standing There and Watching #which i hate doing normally anyway #but i hate it EXTRA when i am anxious as all motherfuck and just want to be in constant motion #bc i can't be!! i have to let my trainee work on her own!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!! #im sooooo so so anxious about my car though i cannot handle it breaking #i am praying to every deity i can think of and begging that whatever happened will be super easy to fix #like maybe they just put the wrong kind of oil in and i can get it cleaned out and replaced #please #please let it be something that easy. #shh ac

[e-the-village-cryptid]

matilda the musical making me feel shrimp emotions

#matilda the musical #matilda #'quiet' aka here take this song about an autistic child experiencing sensory and emotional overload and dissociating #it's fine it's fine listen to it you won't be sobbing on the floor #'my house' aka you just got over crying from quiet so here have this song about the pride and safety of having your own place #no matter how tiny and humble because it means safety she never had #ok here have a fun one it's fun it's upbeat i promise listen to 'when i grow up' #it definitely won't crush you that miss honey has her own 'when i grow up' wish because abuse and trauma can make you feel like #you aren't really an adult yet and that you can't be until you figure out how to not be affected by it anymore #or what about 'this little girl' because what happens when you finally have to be strong in order to stand up for someone else BUT #but ptsd doesn't work like that. trauma doesn't go away just because you have something or someone to fight for #even if you want to fight with all your heart. it doesn't go away #an e original

[meownotgood]

I got a bunch of cute akis today. way too many akis. look at them carefully

#I'm pretty sure cause of the ice storm my packages were held up at the post office for a long time haha #but they finally arrived today!! #and it was soooo many packages that's why I got a lot lol #my buying addiction..... can't handle adult money #BUT YES OBSERVE THEM!!! #the chef aki and kitsune outfit aki are so adorable.... #I'm also so excited to own the charm of him with the gum!!! it's one of my favorite charms of him #AAAAAH AND THE STAND OF HIM WHERE HE LOOKS LIKE THE VOLUME FOUR COVER #I'LL POST A BETTER PIC OF HIM IN A MINUTE #the canned aki... should I set him free? or drink him #and omgggg #the charm of him where he's like... squished... so cute #and the little pouch... I had no idea what I will use it for but I just had to get it #I was spoiled with akis for my hard working #aki <3

[phoenixcatch7]

*Someone reccs a fic on fanfic net*

Me: I mean I'll give it a look...

Fic: *has two amazing fandoms I wasn't in before I moved to Ao3, complete, 400k+ words*

Me: wow, I should really give ffn another try! There's so many fics I bet I'm missing out on! There's so many more fandoms I'm in now, there's going to be such good pickings!

Me, barely four paragraphs in, three ads filling my screen at the same time: I see why I left.

#Do you think if ffn did a fandom drive people would pay? Because its seriously driving me up the wall #I was on ffn a decade ago (wow) and that was when there weren't ANY ads AT ALL. A million times better #Heck the ads were part of what drove me away to Ao3 in the first place #Came back occasionally and every time there were more ads #When they started appearing in the fic itself I moved all my stories to Ao3 and haven't looked back since #It would be nice to be able to lock any other fandoms apart from just the two you're looking for #But that's literally the only thing I'd take from ffn to Ao3 (though it's not even optional on ffn haaaaa) #But good grief I can't work in these conditions #I'm inches away from just downloading the whole thing and reading it for the first time like that #ao3 memes #Fanficton net #ffnet #ffn #archive of our own #ao3 funny #Can't Stand It How does anyone get anything done on there nowadays??? #ao3