#but yea idk my brain is just constantly a hell hole and my body isnt much better. and im constantly overworked | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

magnoliamyrrh · 1 year

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It really sucks bc I’ve had this sneaking suspicion since my early adolescence that I was molested by a preschool teacher. I have no actual memory but just a combination of UTIs + sadomasochistic behavior + nightmares + hypersexuality later made me suspect. But like. It could have been from everyone and their mom in my Balkan family constantly groping me :/ like it’s already blurry in my head this is just confusing me even more but at the same time I’m not sure I wanna know

thank u for sending this, i know its hard to even write this shit out sometimes. im sorry you went through any of this. yea, i went through a long period of not being sure what the hell happened if anything at all too. i still do at times. all the same symptoms + i also thought for a long time that maybe it was from all of,, the other stuff instead of anything else. its rly hard to try to make sense of it all, especially at those ages, and tbh yea, all those symptoms could v well just appear from the general family shit, especially depending on the severity of what was allowed and starting/ending when

... i think its fair to not want to know. i think its rly fair and normal to b either entirely opposed to knowing or just anxious and adverse sbt it. missing as well as blurry memories at those ages can v well be just normal, theres plenty of things ppl start to usually forget, but,, they can also be a sign of your brain trying to protect you from shit it deemed too hard/too much/too distressing to handle.. and that's,.. fair. thats a survival adaptation.

when you go knocking on the locked doors in your mind its often far from a pleasant time.. and tbh shit tends to get worse before it gets any better. On the other hand this is just. personal philosophy/conclusion; i think... the only .. way to Really truly deal things - the issues themselves not just the symptoms caused by the issues - is to face them. must go through the eye of the needle sort of thing. this is how ive dealt w recovering from bpd, ana&mia, and ptsd shit and generally got myself to b a lot more sane, after a period of time in which it drove me more insane. this is what psychedelics reinforced in me anyway.... i dont recommend going poking around in your brain too much if youre not in a remotely stable and safe environment,,, i did that, not the best time

poking around and trying to figure this sort of shit out can often turn into a whole spiral. be gentle with yourself, dont try to rush yourself into wanting answers, and take care of yourself. sometimes it is best to let your brain let you know about things when it deems the time is right, rather than trying to tear down every door

but,.. . something that my ex whose also been through some pretty severe shit said to me when i was falling down a "is this real?" hole: you kinda just.. you feel it. somewhere if youre being real serious with yourself, deep deep down inside you know if you know. we never really forget things. somewhere, they are ingrained in us, our bodies remember even if we dont.... and, tbh, the other thing is. people see it on you. like, recognition of the self through the other sort of thing. something that always got to me before i actually rly idk accepted a lot of things is how much i related to ppl who have also gone through that sort of stuff. could just b the family shit but also 🤷‍♀️ . even if it isnt i guess the question would be, what is the drive behind your suspicion. why there. why that teacher or why a teacher. why that time and place. does it remind you of something else or another time?. and on the flip side.. something else that ive learned is that. predators see it on you? they truly do. i remember when i was questioning shit id tell myself, well, both of these things cant be true right??? thats ridiculous, who has that sort of luck to not only deal with this weird af normalized family shit + other stuff?? i must just b exaggerating things.... except in reality, most predators can tell which victims are vulnerable and they can most often tell which kids have some sort of history of sexual trauma. once it happenes, its actually statistically more likely that it will happen again...... which really fucking sucks

idk, i hope any of this made sense i probably went on for too long but. im rly sorry again u went through any of this im v much sending u a virtual hug. i rly do get the frustration and confusion and... all of it. im sorry but also, thank you for sending me this bc its... both horrible and comforting at the same time to know someone else has felt this same mess. i hope youre going to find some consolation and peace and healing soon <3 <3

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