#but when i can barely take care of myself its not like thats a high priority

[the-silent-hashira]

having PMDD is probably the worst thing i can think of that i have because everything else will be FINE and then i spend a week wondering why reality is so wonky and why i cant sleep and im reminded afab bodies are literally just. fucking SHIT

#🧤 through the void || ooc #this is why im trans this shit sucks #PMDD = premenstrual dysphoric disorder #the shit makes me psychotic as all hell and my meds stop working as well as they should be #tmi #the MINUTE shark week starts im like 'oh thats why ive slept maybe 5 hours a day for the last week and had nightmares for the last 2' #im on progesterone! youre supposed to stop making my brain turn into sludge!! #i so dont wanna get my shit removed but its fucking terrible #and i aint gonna have kids im not bringing anything as fucked up as me into this world when i can barely take care of myself #i have so many things wrong with me and then my body for almost 2 weeks out of a month will go 'oh ho! i see you wanted to just #have fatigue and chronic pain! well we cant have that can we why dont we -scramples my brain hardcore despite being on high doses of meds-'

[pinkandlilacroses]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Angel - Paige bueckers

part 1

• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

•warnings {none (for now)}

•comment if you would like to be added to the taglist

bellas pov

“Im just saying, a rom com romance would be fantastic tight now” I state to my best friend, Avery. “i mean everyday is the same thing over and over” i continue. I can tell she doesn’t care, Avery’s been in a relationship with her high school sweetheart, Jake since freshman year.

“you need to stop being desperate” she says scooting closer to me on our couch.

this may sound rude, but thats just how Avery is, ane i guess ive gotten used to it

“nobody understands me” i say dramatically as i get up and walk towards my room.

“remember, we are going out tonight” Avery yells

fuck. i forgot.

i hate going out, theres to many people

i feel like sometimes Avery relyes on me, i mean sometimes i wanna hang out with other people, not just her. Avery on the other hand, im her only friend and i understand why, i love her but she is so mean to any and everyone that she comes across.

a few hours pass and i begin getting ready. i put on a matching pink set with a tube top and a mini skirt, i feel cute, i cant wait for this to get ruined by a bunch of drunk, sweaty college students.

i know i take a while to get ready, i mean its taken me two hours to pick my outfit and do my hair and i haven’t even started my makeup yet. my excuse is that you can never rush perfection.

“bella cmon we gotta go” Avery yells, ‘how is she ready so early’ i think to myself, finishing my coat of mascara.

“ok, ok, im ready” i say 20 minutes later. i can tell shes pissed, but it doesn’t bother me.

“your so dramatic, its a 5 minute walk” Avery says, annoyed, as always.

“i am not made for walking”

its only been 5 minutes since our arrival and i want to leave

“hey baby” a clearly drunk guy says, while he slyly brings his hand to my bare waist.

“who are you” i say, bluntly

“hey loosen up princess” he says, getting closer

i do like that nickname. but i hate him.

“im gonna go now”

i dont know if im straight, to be honest. i was raised in a household where anything but straight was a sin, so i never really questioned my interests. but whenever i see a girl who is tall and strong, my straightness goes out the window, and i feel like im sinning. ive never done anything with a girl before and im scared, i dont know if i ever would.

i walk away from the drunk man and towards the bar

“oh my god im so sorry” ‘fuck. why am i so clumsy’, i say to the girl i bumped into

“nah your all good” she says, looking down at me

i hadn’t looked at her, but now that i am. i never wanna stop. shes tall and blonde.

“hi, im paige” she says, breaking my admiration.

“im bella” i say, shamelessly checking her out

she has on grey sweatpants and a black tshirt. hot.

“do you go here” she says, continuing the conversation.

“uh, yeah, im a junior” i say, stuttering. why am i stuttering

“are you nervous?” she says, bringing her face closer to my own. yes, i am so nervous, you make me so nervous, ohmygodohmygodohmygod

“no” i say, unconvincingly.

“you sure?” she questions again. im not ok

“your on the basketball team, right?” i say, attempting to shift the conversation

she chuckles

“yeah” she states, moving back to her original position, further away from me. come back

“have you heard of me” she says, cockily

“i think everyone has here” i say, to be honest, i dont know anything about basketball. but ive heard of her before and her eyes have me trapped, there so blue and inviting.

what am i saying

“i wanna know more about you though” she whispers, moving closer than before.

“what do you wanna know” i say wrapping my arms around her neck. i dont know where all this confidence has came from

“yo paige” some girl says, she turns around and breaks the position we were in.

“iceee” she says, dapping up her teammate

im offended.

i make my way from her and towards my friend group. i want to go home

“was that you flirting with paige bueckers”

“we were just talking, shes not interested”

“girl, paige would be interested in a tree if it had a pussy, she is definitely interested” chanel says

everyone laughs. but me

im confused, why am i attracted to her, i like men, not women.

“bella cmon, lets get you home” Avery says, i mentally thank her from saving me from this conversation.

i tuck myself into bed after taking my outfit and makeup off and get ready for my favourite activity. sleep, until.

xxx-xxx-xxx

- hey is this bella?

what the fuck. do i have a stalker

bella

- yes

xxx-xxx-xxx

- hahah thank god

- this is paige

what the fuck

A/N - first fic, how do we feeeelllllllll

#paige bueckers x reader #paige bueckers headcannons #paige bueckers smut #paige bueckers fic #paige bueckers #uconn huskies #uconn women’s basketball #uconn wbb

[go6jo]

Bonus points if after hearing suguru say all that you say yes confidently when he asks if you're still on the pill even though you stopped taking it months ago. I mean how pretty would you look all swollen up because you're carrying a child; his child. Suguru couldn't possibly resist then, could he?

THIS IS SO TOXIC AND SO UNREALISTIC BUT YOU KNOW HDSHS

Nvm man I can't defend myself anymore 😭😭

CONTEXT SHUT UPPPPPP !! SHUT!!! UPPPPPP!!! like you'd give it to him soooo good, trying so desperately so make him stay. you'd have him lie on his back as he watches you put in all the work, proving to him that you're worth it, that he won't regret it if he stays, that you could make him so happy, could satisfy him - make him forget all about his problems. and he finds your desperation amusing really, because he's far too gone, you have a wanted criminal in your bed, you're kneeled in between the legs of murderer, his hand tangled in your hair as he gazes down at you, proped up on his elbows to take in the sinful sight that you are and he didn't know you had it in you to look this obscene, teary eyed and struggling to take him all in - to be this dirty, drooling all over him. it's like the idea of him being gone has suddenly awakened something in you, you who'd always been so hesitant to initiate sex with him, counting on him for guidance always, only whispering a bashful need you, ru when your head is resting on his lap during movie night and letting him take matters into his own hands, leaving it to him to do the rest, to take care of your needs as he lets his hand slide under the hem of your pijama shorts and you're left to bury your face on the warmth of his naked stomach, struggling to maintain eye contact when he tells you you sound so pretty or when he asks you god, baby. wanna tell me what you were thinking about? because you're soaking through the fabric of your panties. you, who'd always let your index finger dance on his thigh as you lay on his stomach in bed, getting fidgety instead of letting him know you want him, begging silently, hoping he'll know what you're asking for and suguru complies as he takes your wandering hand in his bigger one and moves it to rest atop the bulge on his boxers, go on, baby, guiding your hand up and down to help you stroke him and he'd always be vocal to encourage you, to let you know you make him feel so good, that you make a mess out of him. you turn him on so much with your timid nature but when you're kneeled before him like this, looking this debauched, he wonders if you'd always been like this yet too shy to show him this side of you, this side that's so eager, so ready to please.

"you want me to stay, baby?" and you only nod at him, thats all you can do really when your mouth is already so full of him "yeah? how bad do you want it?" and you could barely breathe properly anymore but your lips slide further down his lenght until your nose hits his pelvis, dutifully swallowing him whole, all of him, and there's hope swelling in your chest, proud as you watch his head swing backwards as it hits the headboard, the muscles of his abdomen contracting and the grip on your hair getting tighter as he drags out a low fuuuck, his other hand threads through his hair, pushing the strands that stick to his forehead backwards. you peak at him through your lashes, he’s a heavenly sight, swollen lips slightly parted as breathy moans escape through them, he's panting - completely lost in pleasure. its somewhat unconcious, the way he starts chasing after his high, the hand on the back of your head pushing you further down until you feel him hit the back of your throat. you inevitably choke around him which throws you into an uncontrollable coughing fit that delays his release “sorry.” you rest your cheek against his thigh and his brows furrows as he sits up on the matress, landing a slap on your ass that is way too conveniently bent up in the air “you’re so fucking good to me, baby” suguru bends down to kiss your temple then holds your face in his hands, forcing you to sit back on your knees as his thumb keeps stroking your cheek. “then stay. we’ll figure it out, ru.” you look him in the eye, giving him no way out. “i think it’s a little too late for that, princess”

oh.

so he fooled you. he came here and he fooled you into thinking that you could save him, that he wasn’t broken beyond repair, that you could make him stay when, really, he never came knocking on your door to beg for salvation, he never really wanted to be saved. lust. he only came as a sinner and not as one looking to repent but, instead, as one looking commit yet another sin. you feel betrayed.

“c’mon. ride it, baby.” he’s kissing down your neck and you’re numb, staring blankly ahead of you, thinking about all the ways you could’ve made him stay but you didn’t, thinking of all the ways you weren’t enough, desperately searching your head for something, anything that could make him change his mind. “make me cum really good like only you know how to do it, yeah? do it so i won’t forget. we might not be seeing each other for a while”

so you make one last effort. you ride him, you do it like it’s the last time you’ll ever do it, you start off slow, sensual, swallowing his moans as you kiss him tenderly, his hands are under your thighs, helping you set the pace, your chest is squeezed against his, your nipples brushing against his with every tempting roll of your hips and you’re both way too sensitive this deep into the night, every gentle touch eliciting a moan that is higher, needier than the latter, his head falls backwards revealing the skin of his throat to you and you nibble on his adam apple which makes him smile amidst a groan before holding his index and middle finger up to your mouth “suck.” now smiling down at you, a dangerous glint in his eyes. you're whining around his fingers, your movements getting more erratic as things begin to take a sudden turn. suguru is moaning shamelessly on your ear, thrusting up into you, chasing after the high he's been craving ever since he walked through your door, hands gripping your hips and teeth sunk into your shoulder as your nails claw onto his and its rough, it's needy on both ends and so messy. "wanna cum with me, baby?" he manages to choke out the words in between heavy breaths and you've long since lost the ability to speak as he keeps on thrusting up into you with reckless abandon, you don't say anything, only moaning uncontrollably, but he knows you're close from the way your body is starting to get tense in his embrace, so his hand reaches down between your legs to add on to the pleasure he’s giving you and you're shaking in his arms - you've long since lost control but it's always been like this with him, it's always so easy to submit to him, to give in to him, to let him take control over you. "cum." and you do, as if waiting for him to guide you, like he always does. he cums with a kiss to your forehead, eyes tightly shut as he presses his lips harder against your skin to try to supress the loud groan that threatens to escape past his throat and you have half a mind to wrap your legs tightly around his waist, keeping him buried deep inside you - refusing to let him go and he doesn’t make much of an effort to pull away from you anyways. "god, baby." he hisses as you begin to move your hips again, leaving sloppy kisses on his jaw "just give me a minute and we can go again."

#geto x reader #geto smut #geto suguru x reader #getou x reader #jjk x reader

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Ive made through chapters 4-7 today and good god, I feel like i had basically nothing to say about acotar as I was reading it but with this book theres so much to talk about for some reason, its wild. Truly, I did not realize how much I liked Feyre in the first book until I was under threat of losing her

Now, I will say that Feyre seems in-character so far, shes still the same woman but traumatized, but I am worried for her. Tamlin is a whole different story though, SJM might as well shoot him dead right in front of me for how thoroughly hes being character assassinated. Like, if Tamlin actually cares about Feyre as a person and not just in a douchy, possessive alphahole way, which he should because Tamlin was not that kind of guy previously, then he would force Feyre to train so she can defend herself if necessary, not forbid her from it. Even if he didnt want her to use her magical powers, surely he would make her practice with her knife or with a sword or even with her bow just to be safe, because hes not always gonna be there

I think his actions do continue to make sense if you look at them from his perspective, but I also maintain that he's doing a really bad job at responding to Feyre. But also, its so laughably obvious what sjm is doing by having Tamlin say shit like "you were stolen from me", shes trying to paint him as some objectifying asshole. Even Lucien calling her "Tamlin's bride" feels like its part of all this, and I know Ianthe is gonna turn out to be a traitor and a rapist at some point, so it really comes across as an attempt to villify the entire spring court for its association with Tamlin

Speaking of Lucien, I genuinely think part of the reason Feylin is doing so badly in this book is that his dynamic with Tamlin is completely different now. For some reason hes all like "oh, my High Lord" instead of "my good friend Tamlin", he suddenly cant say a word against him when he was talking to shit to him just a few months ago in-uinverse. Like, if their dynamic was the same as it was in acotar, Lucien wouldve probably been like "hey man, I know youre stressed and I get it, I know what its like to watch the love of my life get brutally murdered I dont know what its like to have her magically ressurected again but thats neither here nor there, but Feyre is clearly not happy being inside all day and you need a break, go take her out on a date in the woods, I'll stay here and take care of everything, dont even worry about it" or gotten him to comprise with Feyre or chill tf out or SOMETHING but because theres suddenly this rigid hierarchy in the spring court in order to make the night court look better

Speaking of the night court, Ive heard some stuff about it feeling very orientalist but it still managed to completely blindsight me with its badness. Feyre got fucking harem pants to wear, really? And a short-sleeved croptop, and no fucking shoes, probably because Rhys didnt want Feyre throwing shoes at him again. That was the one moment in this book that brought me genuine joy btw, I would read a thousand fanfics about her just throwing shit at him

Anyway, speaking of my guy (derogatory) Rhysand Nolastname, hes so incredibly annoying I dont even have any coherent thoughts about him right now, like, if I were to write down what I think of him I would just write "he fuckinh pisses me off" over and over again. Im actually a really big fan of edgy shadow bois, but only if theyre like, sad and angry and closed off, if theyre like Rhysand and theyre all flirty and teasing and cocky and shit, theyre just annoying and nothing else. And the romance has barely even started yet, I cant imagine how much worse the flirting is gonna get later. Not to mention all these desperate and obvious attempts by sjm to make him sympathetic and morally good now, its honestly pretty pathetic

Now Im gonna be real with you, I didnt get a lot of sleep yesterday and I can feel myself and the things Im writing getting less and less coherent, so Im just gonna hit you with the very last of my thoughts bullet point style

The fact that Amarantha apparently didnt actually go rogue and it was all part of Hybern's plan feels misogynistic ngl

Ianthe's entire character already feels so misogynistic and slutshame-y and she hasnt even assaulted anyone yet

Something about Mor bothers me, I cant quite put my finger on it but its there. I think I do like her for annoying Rhys though

God, Im gonna have so much to say about the Illyrians but for now, its awfully bold of Rhysand to be like "they wasted no time throwing themselves before her feet" when THATS WHAT HE DID

Thats it for now

#anti sjm #anti acomaf #anti rhysand #flames and darkness liveblog

[comicwritesstuff]

Steve/William Afton x Fem!Reader

!Warnings! NSFW: Degrading, daddy kink, appropriate age gap kinda, fingering, cursing, some other stuff

My first smut x reader or x reader in general its a little rushed but I did my best for my first job, might make a part 2 it depends, enjoy!

Second day at my new job... a security guard for some rinky dink pizzeria. It could be worse I guess, I mean I really needed this job... no just a job in general, at least Steve could find one for me. It kinda feels like cheating since he's my Moms close friend...they are probably dating. Why would I care, I don't care at all, Steve's always been really nice to me, he's pretty cool...I guess. I'm 22 now, and i can barely afford gas, and thats how I'm supposed to get to this job. Its not that bad, its a little...off but its okay. I park my car and swiftly make my way to the gate, unlock it and get inside, can't wait for a fun shift... who am I kidding these hours are agonizing.

The only sound that can be heard throughout the pizzeria are the sounds of my footsteps, I do a quick patrol of the place before getting inside my office. I plop down on the dust covered chair and stare at the monitors, the same grayish blue screens, and absolutely no movement.

There has got to be something entertaining in this god damn office.. I quickly stand up and look around, I hesitantly open one of the two lockers that caught my attention. As I open it some stupid doll with a ballon scares the living shit out of me, "FUCK" I say as I smack the doll, it flies to the back of the locker, as I heave over. "Gave me a damn heart attack..." I mumble to myself before seeing the security vest. I guess its okay, not entertaining enough for me. I put it on still.

I focus my attention on the second locker, with high hopes of something good in there, with my guard up this time, I open it prepared to punch another doll. Instead I just see a couple magazines and cobwebs, sighing I grab the magazines not looking at them yet and tossing them down on the desk before sitting back down. I finally glance at the magazine cover for a moment, "Full frontal Fabulousness: The Male Form." I don't process that and look at the monitors until it clicks in my head.

"Oh fuck, thats a porn magazine." I immediately look back down at the magazine, examining the cover, which is a really hot naked man, both hands on his cock. Arousal eats at me, as I continue to flip through the pages my pussy getting wetter with each turn of the page. For a moment I realize where I am again, I look closely at the monitors, no one there, I get up and look down both hallways...no one there. I mean, whens the last time I actually touched myself... I deserve this, right?

I sit back down in the chair, fumbling to get my jeans off, I slide my pants down, teasing myself as I take off my underwear, pulling it down around my ankles. I grab the magazine and find the best photo I can, of course with my Daddy issues its probably the oldest looking guy in this thing. I start to rub my clit, moaning softly. Hey wait, this picture kinda looks like Steve, thats why I picked it. WOAH pause intrusive thoughts... thats not why I picked it...right?? I slowly slide one finger inside my tight pussy, its embarrassing I guess, i've only had sex once and the guy was ugly as hell... and that was 3 years ago.

"Fuck~" I whimper as I slide another finger in, pumping slowly, curling my fingers to hit my g-spot perfectly. I moan glancing at the image, fuck it does look like Steve. I thrust my fingers faster, moaning a bit louder. God dammit... "Fuck...Steve~" I finally let go, not caring anymore about my little crush on a man I have no shot with, its not like anything will come of it. I arch my back, cursing as I ram my g-spot with my soaking wet fingers, my orgasm close so I pick up the pace, desperately trying to fuck myself faster.

I'm just about to arrive as I feel fingertips brush against my neck, startled I jump a bit, whipping around and seeing Steve towering above me with massive grin. To embarrassed to see the blood on his shirt, I try to cover up my mess, "I- holy shit I am so so so so sorry I-um I should be working... how long have you been here..?" I say my face flushed, as he lifts my chin up with his hand.

"Long enough to know how big of a slut you are." Fuck. That shouldn't turn me on but it does...a lot, and he knows it. He drops to his knees, grabbing my legs and lifting them over his shoulders, before he rams his tongue inside of me, licking and sucking my clit, before he thrusts two fingers inside me.

"Steve~" I say taken aback by his movements but certainly not disappointed. I arch my back moving my hips in tandem with his fingers. He sticks another finger in, using his other hand to violently rub my clit. "Such a good whore hm? Sitting here while you should be working all you could think about was me fucking you huh?" I nod my head rapidly, "yes, fuck, yes Daddy". I moan and whimper, my orgasm close again. Its like he can feel i'm close, he speeds up, fingering me harder hitting my g-spot perfectly with each thrust and curl, sucking and licking my clit faster, like his life depended on it. "I'm close! Fuck I'm so close" I whine as I grip onto the flimsy chair i'm still on. "Cum for me baby, like the good whore you are, make a mess for me." Almost perfectly on cue, I reach my orgasm, my legs shaking and he pulls his fingers out, licking them clean as I sit their exhausted already.

"Oh you poor thing...to bad I'm not done with you yet...I'll give you a break for a bit doll." He effortlessly picks me up, bridal carry, as he takes me outside of the pizzeria, into his car. It all happens so fast, i'm still left processing the fact that he even just ate me out. He totally follows all driving laws and doesn't speed at all as we get to a house, well his house. He carries me inside again placing me on what I assume is his bed. Looking at me with a smirk he unbuckles his belt, unzipping his pants revealing his cock. "Come here and get on your knees." He says, with pure lust.

ANYWAYS GUYS HOPE YOU LIKE IT, IF YOU WANT A PART 2 I'LL MAKE ONE BUT IDEK IF ANYONE WILL SEE THIS THANKS!!!

#william afton #william afton x you #william afton smut #steve raglan x reader #steve raglan smut #william afton x reader #fnaf smut #william afton fnaf movie

[femmesandhoney]

Hey I hope this isn't too annoying of an ask, but literally how are you so happy at college? You're like the student I want to be, you're always posting on here about your classes and you're so engaged and seem so into it. Every semester for me is just another couple months of the time passing and panicking. I'm either completely paralyzed in bed or I'm crying in bed. Like, how do you seem so good at this?

it's not all sunshine and rainbows believe me. even my best friend has told me i come off as someone who "has it all figured out", but i often do not feel the same lol, i miss assignments, i stress out and procrastinate until the last minute, i get drained from all the work mentally and physically. all the regular college shit. outside of that tho, i legitimately love learning and interacting with others who are interested in what i like and who i can learn from. that's usually what keeps me happy! i love the people i meet in my classes, i like group discussions, i like being introduced to new things, i love my profs and take all the classes i can with them. generally, im just friendly w people in my classes and that makes me enjoy going to them, and i take classes i enjoy, and if they're reqs i don't care for, i always try to take something out of the experience.

some people do not find learning for the sake of learning fun, but i do, which makes even the roughest days okay, but that doesn't mean the tedious and demanding aspects of college curricula do not wear me down too. i decided to wait to go to grad school bc im exhausted! i am tired and need a break from always having another damn assignment to do and another article to read 😭 those things are taxing, and i already have bad self discipline habits, so you can imagine i often make stuff harder for myself than they need to be. the only reason i get good grades is bc im smart and have a relatively easy time understanding the subjects i study. if i take anything outside my favorite academic areas, like say the natural resources class i took a few years ago, that shit had me crying every damn day lmao.

so yeah, i just enjoy learning for learning sake, but also i like academia and going thru the motions of a classroom experience is fun to me for all the reasons i listed, including the fact i want to be a college professor and just enjoy that atmosphere a lot. i would wager if you're constantly frustrated by your college experience, maybe analyze a bit deeper on what you most dislike? is it specific profs, the people in ur classes, the subject material itself? if theres anything you can try and control to make it more agreeable for you, always take the opportunity, tho ik its not always possible. im lucky that all my areas of study have naturally wonderful people drawn to them (especially the international studies students!), but ik some majors can draw less nice people sometimes :( which can make ur experience harder than it should be. or some people legitimately do not enjoy the institutions that are schools and what they traditionally demand from a person, which is completely understandable. my best friend didn't go to college bc she barely graduated high school bc she hated attending and never turned in her hw. some people just do not thrive in such strict school environments for many reasons. but whatever your case is, i hope you have easier semesters in the future if you continue, no one should ever be so stressed from a class that they cry over it. i think thats a failure of a class and a professor when that occurs, and a sign of a bad class/prof rather than a bad student.

#im writing this at 2am i hope its not typo ridden

[qumiiiquinnquin]

its only been 2 weeks but i just dont feel like i can do this.

its really stressful. the workload is always high. having a break isn't really a thing. and with how bad my schedule is (that i could not do anything about) i have to wake up extremely early (5-5:30am) and i come home in the evening (also 5-5:30 but pm). and i just have to dedicate that time to homework and i know there's going to be lots of all-nighters

i have no time to eat. im tired all the time. focusing on work is difficult in general, but my lack of eating and sleep make it worse. and while i know the exercise is good for me, having to walk a mile each way to and from home and all my walking on campus makes me very tired and sore. (im so petty)

i know im being overdramatic because its only been 2 weeks. but it gets worse from here on out. im really stressed and anxious all the time. and ive already broken down a few times. i want to cry right now because im under so much stress, but people are awake so i cant.

its so petty. i want to give up now and i keep contemplating, i thought about going to the rooftop and. well. you know. i want to drop out now but that would upset my family a ton (also its only been 2 weeks!!!). but i dont really like my family's idea that if they went to college and got their degrees, so can i. they all went to college so thats what was encouraged of me to do too after i graduated high school. and this is just community college. if im barely hanging on in community college id be dead by now in a uc or cal state, either one im planning to transfer to once im done at community college...

i knew i wasnt cut out for college. i knew it since before applying. i keep telling myself this is only until december. and when i register for the spring term i can hopefully form a much better schedule so im not stressed out and loaded with work all the time and i can actually take care of myself. so im trying to keep moving forward. but its only now september. i have 13 more weeks. and if these first two weeks were enough to kick my ass then im fucked for the rest of the semester. and probably my entire time at college.

#vent #i do not like that i break under pressure so easily #guess who has zero time to go see the psychiatrist and mention my medication isn't working so it cant help regulate my anxiety rn!!!!!!!!!! #i dont want to give up so easily. i feel like it'd be petty of me to do so especially so soon. and im being teased by family for my #complaints. but i really feel like i cant do this. at all. #maybe i could go seek the mental health services on campus but i dont really want to hear the same things over and over #i have a very strong feeling i know what they'll tell me. they get stressed af students like me going to see them all the time probably #i just. want to cry. this stress is terrible. #this was my plan. besides encouragement i wanted to attend community college then go to a 4-year. i feel like I cant give up yet #because this was my idea. i am now here doing what i had planned and now i want to back out. i dont have any right to back out of this #im doing what i wanted and what family wanted. leaving isn't an option what the hell am I thinking?

[xx-lemon-drop-xx]

hi, i go by kaso (he/she). requesting for the twst and ror boys (with the exception of idia and leona)

im mostly on the neutral centerpoint when it comes to myself. im an introvert. im calm, mellow, down-to-earth. im also observant as i pick up small things n remember them when the time is right. also to js sniff out peoples intentions but its more of the first most of the time.

im a soft-spoken guy. usually im relaxed and unshaken, though my motivation seems to come on a whim ebery other day so i may seem out of it at times. its easy to keep my composure for most things and keep my emotions in check.  i have tendencies to be passive-aggressive when provoked and im kinda stubborn. but im chill and friendly.

its easy for me to pick up from setbacks. im naturally intelligent but i dont really study to keep it.. its not like i dont want because im quite self-aware its just the lack of motivation. im also quite clever when the time comes.. cant explain it but its kinda easy to play the cards right when its laid out in my favour.

i may have an avoidant attachment of the sort im not sure.

when it comes to humour, im genuinely such a corny person and its always a hit or miss for my jokes. its also tinged with satire and sarcasm most if not all the time. i love to laugh and will find anything funny that might come out of your mouth.

i enjoy indulging in my interests, listsning to music, drawing and other things. i dont really have set things i enjoy, i just do whatever makes me happy tbh. i love having fun but it drains me. id try everything once if i could js so i can mak the most of the moment. im quiet when i go abt this though.

i think my greatest fear is being unable to uphold to what ive created and not achieving my dreams.. im not so sure if it truly bothers me though. i experience small emotional highs and lows so maybe thats why.

i cant tolerate critical people who need to call you out for every flaw or people that cant keep their mouth shut. not chatty or talkative people im talking abt those who gossip. trust is a really big thing for me and its honestly a huge turn off.

i love with actions rather than words. i try and take my time with someone and treat them with the best care i can muster. im very passionate abt the things and people i love and i feel and care deeply even if i show it terribly. its in the little things. my love languages are quality time and parallel play.

im not sure if i have a type if im being honest.. never really thought hard on enough.. is not being an ass to other count?? like idk bare minimum wins i suppose.

I pair you with: Adam!

Calm and open-minded with a bit of a sarcastic kick to him, Adam finds your calm yet stubborn and sarcastic demeanor amusing in a friendly way. He is not very opinionated himself, even towards the gods as shown when he was only fighting for his children, though he respects your opinions nonetheless.

Adam prefers to sit under a tree with you, and tap through music on this device you've labeled as a "Phone" he'd never seen such a thing before though he was also more than interesting to him. Adam would likely eat grapes while listening to music and watching you draw, though I don't think he'd try it out himself.

He is quick to compliment you and finds your drawings interesting. He is chatty 50% of the time, though being more so favoring in quietness himself he understands that you are more introverted. Adam is likely to take you on walks around the forest to enjoy the scenery, and being around multiple animals he would likely teach you the correct way to feed some of them such as having a deer eat an apple out of your hand.

Adams most enjoyable thing about you would be your eyes. They're the window to the soul, or so he claims they are.

Character matchups found here

#character matchups #Record of ragnarok #ror adam #shuumatsu no valkyrie

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just caused me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

#i speak

[miamoo27]

New Years 12/31/2023 4pm-12am

This is the first time I am ever alone on New Years eve. I always had plans or made them or found something to do. The past three new years eve I was with May, Andry and Nick. Three people I barely see anymore. And two of them I dont talk to at all. Theres something sad to this yet truly beautiful. I feel that this is the first time in my life I feel ok being alone. I am sad but I am ok and safe. My family is healthy and alll together for the first time in years. The trauma with my moms liver in 2022 and then now 2023 with cancer has been so challenging that it brought us together and opened someone of us up to the reality. Knowing the truth and feelings things more is so hard and challening. Everyday is a sensitivity to the way others energy it is, It feels too much. I feel so much it drains me to where I want to be alone in my little cave of art and not speak to anyone. My mood is driving me and without my lexapro and adderall id be dragging my feet hopeless walking through the day. At night I let myself breath when I finally get to smoke. Its the one relief I have to some of the dreadful energys I have to feel or maybe even manpuaatively want to feel bad (like continuing to fuck my ex when he didnt love me anymore). I self sabotaged hurt my own self because I didnt know how to be alone. Now when I finally let myself be alone I realized it isnt so bad. I am crazy but its ok because I am a loving person. I just want to give love to everyone I dont want anyone to feel the things I have to feel so hurt or lost. I want to help people. I figured out my dream of helping others because I know what its like to feel things that make you feel like your going insane. The invalidation others make you feel destroyes you. Of course your going to feel bad. I want to be there for people that felt like that. because I know it changes with the right care. I know people can change if they want to we have the innate ability to want to get better, I have hope and opitism in everyone. I used to be afraid of that optism but now I love it. I think it makes me enjoy life and understand the beauty within earth, the universe. The mind is so powerful and strong. The empathy and hope I have in others can hurt me but I know that pain is being than not being authentic to ones self. I am authencitally just a very empathetic understanding person and thats awesome even if I maybe give to the wrong people.

Shit that scared me in 2023 (writing this while stoned)

-when my mom was like dying from the chemo

-finding out my mom had breast cancer

-when nick told me he was fucking someone else

-when sean sent me all those gifts

-when my mom was high and thought there was a person in the house so we called 911( very funny tho)

-Nick breaking up with me and cancelling the trip (actually more traumatic than scary)

-being in a mosh pit at a coco and clair clair concert

-Going to a phish concert and being harrrassed by a 45 year old man to take acid for the first time (weird as fuck but good concert)

-Greening out in front of my dad multiple times

-when I was told my blood pressure was high as fuck

-the whole ashma shit and my sinusn bro mad annoying I hate it I litterally can never breath

-Everything that had to do with Nick was so traumatic literally disturbs me.

-Having like ashma attacks on the buses at work

-Honestly the trips at work were a fever dream I dont think I ever want to work there in the summer ever again.

-Seeing Andrys I dont even wanna mention it such a weird moment this summer was so off I love this fall though really made some awesome changes and been so good in school and getting out of my comfort zone. LIke since August I have been doing great. despite that bee boop with Sean that was a very odd moment. I forgot about most of it truly.

[girlwiththehighbeams]

ive been thinking a lot today (excerpt from my journal, 13-14112023)

maybe there is no purpose to my life. actually no. i dont like that. i dont think i believe that. maybe i dont need to do anything great or grand or outstanding to bring purpose into my life. maybe just existing and finding moments where im happy is enough purpose. music and concerts and reading and poetry and other people bring me joy. these are the things that make me appreciate life. there are often times where i wish i had never been born, or wish i were dead. there have been times ive tried to take my life, and countless more where ive considered doing so. these are the things that contradict these moments. seeing riley! in concert, walking around mystic with luna, just having the opportunity to read life changing literature and see phenomenal films. i remember getting stuck behind the drawbridge last summer with luna. she ran out of my car and got us both doughnuts before they sold out, and just barely made it back in time before traffic started moving again. meeting one night friends at concerts and screaming the same words together next to them (rebecca knew the words to fight milk and we yelled them to each other with no care of how ridiculous we sounded, it made me so happy), picking them up when they fall in the pit, complaining that one of the moshers punched me in the eye. playing guitar and sharing my love for music with people, performing with a horrible jazz band in a small town high school auditorium, seeing my old bandmates’ parents getting their coffee at starbucks and asking how theyre doing. these are the things i find to give my life meaning. maybe thats enough. maybe thats okay. i think i might drop out of school after i get my associates. maybe thats okay. i think maybe i dont need to structure my life around school and trying to make money. i have enough to live comfortably enough. i have enough to experience these things that make me glad i didnt die when i tried to. i dont think i really could ask for more than that. i dont despise my job, i dont love it, and i dont have to love it. i love other things. its a means to an end. life is a means to an end. im alive to find these things that make me happy. maybe one day ill find something new and things will get even better. i dont need to serve a greater purpose. i can live for myself and still help and support other people. this is not a waste. i dont despise my life, i dont love it, and i dont have to love it. there are moments i love and people i love. sometimes i even love myself. things are messy. things have always been messy. this likely will not change, and thats okay. i am who i am because i have made it through this mess.

#rambles in writing

[krs724490]

10/30/2023

talk to gabby and come back. a sister. someone who sees, someone who can give me the energy I couldnt give to myself sitting up in my room. thank you for sending her. whoever you are, whatever you are, your intelligence, your grace amazes me. tonight it was her. she was the soft light that illuminated my darkness. tomorrow ill dress as a mermaid. ill wear rosie's leggings and gabby's accessories. all banded together to make the most perfect outfit. one that I can show up in fully. one that illustrates the magic of the world. a mermaid. my favorite mythical creature. symbolic of the world beyond. I get to be her tomorrow. I get to step into her. when I cant see straight, my friends are there to lean on. what a gift. to help dress me to be the mermaid I hope to me. my highest self is a mermaid, she's a fairy, shes a woman of nature. today was hard, but I know tomorrow I will be just fine. I will tip myself in the direction of the narrative I'm praying for, knowing that it is also praying for me.

Its a beautiful myth. An incredible fairytale. One that is so out of this world. Its the tale of a young girl. Born of a filipino father, who is oddly both hard and soft. Who put a tint on her childhood of malice. Feeling like a bit like Cinderella, "write a list of everything I've done for you.. and then tell me you wont go grab me a pepsi from the basement fridge." One stand out night of absolute terror and yelling and running to Sydney's room. My mom holding us, my dad manipulating us to turn us against our mother. Abuse. Begging my mom not to call the police. I've seen the photo of the bruise. I dont know where I found it, but the image of my mom's face is burned in my brain. The yellowish, green bruise staining the side of her face. The way my dad drove us to Eric's house to show us my mom's car parked outside of it, it still had our window paint all over it - decorated for the jonas brothers concert. The way he made us call her and ask her where she was. She lied and said she was at the farmer's market and we cried the whole way home. My mother is my hero. No human on this planet could ever. ever. top my mother. Mimi I know you're here too. Thank you, thank you for her. My mother's heart and mind are the most magical combination, the most amazing concoction of human parts. She is incredible. She did her absolute best. and she succeeded even she she probably couldnt see a way through. this is the strongest testament to human's growing toward the sun that I can see. over time, through it all, she persisted. with no father present, only a loving mother who also had to do it all. my family is no stranger to hardship. she brought a man into our lives when we were little. the one thing she did for herself. the one thing she would not budge on. he saved her. she knew he would and he did. so she did what she needed to do to take care of herself, thats the only time she ever stood up for herself. the only time she took what she wanted and didn't put others first. im proud of her for that. even though I was caught in the crossfire, I'm proud of her for that. the one decision she made for herself. I suppose as women we all hit a certain crossroads, where we can no longer bare the weight of listening to other people about what we should do and who we should be. we must heed to the call within and stand our ground. this is where I come from. this is where the tale begins. this beautiful, broken, but over time soft and loving place. in the southeast corner of the mitten.

im not going to pretend to know what I was like as a toddler. the only distinct, possibly significant part of my childhood was living in sydney's shadow. in this tale, the tale I told myself at that time, I was the less impressive, less responsible, rebellious, artistic child. the story I told myself is the only one that matters because it framed my reality, the way I felt about myself.

I discovered yoga when I was in high school. I had the most incredible teachers. it allowed me to tap into the power that can be accessed through spirit, through the body, it gave me a glimpse into things bigger. I look back and I see a naive, young soul. In the most beautiful way, I believed whole heartedly in the teachings. I made them me. My identity, who I was - introducing yogikelsey. I felt so connected at that time, with the way I was able to navigate pleasures, physical pleasures - food. I believed in nourishing myself and so I did in the best way I knew how and it wasn't difficult mentally. I was confused as to how people did find it difficult, I looked down upon those who had no self control. No willpower. I thought them lesser. On the mental level of desire, I was still such a dreamer. I let boys run away with my mind. I followed what I thought was a good path for me, trying to compromise between what I wanted for myself (being creative/artsy) and what the world was telling me to do (work a corporate job). My heart goes out to this girl. The one who loved boys. Who took so much pleasure in being what they needed. I wanted to be the one for each of them. I wanted to stay with them, I wanted to fulfill the role of dream girl for them, it was my favorite role to play. I loved to be admired in that way, but it was my own twisted game I played on myself. I changed myself to be their dream girl and then I wasn't myself. I lost myself and then I left because I was tired of being the girl they wanted me to be and I never offered them my real self and asked for acceptance. Gabby was right, I never offered them my real self because I didn't think that was good enough. I didn't accept myself. I wasn't confident in who I was. The finger gets pointed back at me. It is my responsibility to show Graham who I really am. I cannot bend myself to be who I think he wants me to be and then get upset about not being seen or understood. I must offer myself to him in an honest way.

this really is the root of it all. even my situation today. it is my lack of acceptance of the path. my lack of acceptance for what ive been through and the way the path has been laid. I've been fighting it. I've been fearing it. I've been ____ing it. I have not shown it full acceptance and love. I've seen it as an obstacle. There is still energy to be shifted around this and it doesn't happen overnight. I accept myself for what happened today. I love myself for what happened today. I see the intelligence behind the way situations were handled today. I turned to food because its the only thing I know, a substance that my whole body and my brain has been used to reaching for. I cannot hold it against myself. I cannot start a war inside of myself for something that was the only way today. The only way my poor system could cope. I love my body as it is, as it sits here and now. My body has been through the trauma of me stuffing it full and it has still rebounded time and time again. My body holds me even when I dont care or ask to be held. I have 4 limbs. I have good cardio. I feel vital. Its hard to think I could look upon this body with disdain. This body that has done so much for me. I shower it with love and understanding. I apologize to you body and to you the universe that gave it to me for ever objectifying you. for trying to morph and manipulate, for simplifying your presence as something for other people. for other people to see and judge me for. you are so much more than that. you are infintly more than that. you are my connection to this world. and I love you so much. Im so sorry I ever reduced your value to be anything less than completely miraculous. the way your natural processes keep me going to experience this life is something to be so cherished. In theory, people tell you to love your body and believe in yourself. and in theory, I believed them. but it wasn't a felt sense. it was known idea. today the pain point was lit up in neon lights. look here! more love here needed! please sit, please look at me. look at the unhealed wounds. hold them up and sing holy holy. my body was asking for more love. this whole time, my body was asking for more love.

[keefwho]

July 13 - 2023 Thursday

7:17 AM

Really hating myself right now. I’m not appreciating the way I keep using my problems and emotions to manipulate others into showing me sympathy under the guise of “wanting to be cared about.” I don’t want to close myself off but the only good solution I can see is to keep things to myself more. It feels like the only way to keep any friendship in tact. 

And so what if I feel alone. So what if I stop hoping for connection with others. Its my fault I feel this way despite supposedly having people that care about me. It’s my fault I don’t feel anything. I shouldn’t be taking it out on anyone but myself. Deep down I still feel like someone that doesn’t deserve compassion anyways so why am I still so obsessed with chasing it? It’s selfish of me until I can truly appreciate it. 

I still feel like a burden to all so I don’t feel right initiating contact, as much as I want to. I’m afraid to be like “Hey wanna hang out? :)” only for them to say yes just to placate me and will be relieved when they are rid of me. Maybe it’s selfish of me to think that I have that much gravity over their feelings. But I don’t feel welcome anywhere. 

8:02 AM

If no one else cares about my problems then maybe I’m not meant to either. Maybe things are only issues when I treat them like one. 

8:43 AM

I hope I feel better for my party tomorrow. Chances are I won’t, but I’ll be holding it either way. Maybe it’ll cheer up.

I feel so stupid thinking I could be cared about in the way that I want. 

9:44 AM

What I’m currently going through is coping with the loss of something I never had to begin with. I’ve lived such a giant fantasy for so long. 

3:43 PM

I’m afraid to attach to anyone. Even just as friends. I always end up expecting from them and pushing them away when they don’t deliver. It’s a me problem, I know that. I don’t know if I expect too much or haven’t found the right people. I’m banking on my expectations being too high. Or maybe the kind of comradery I’m after really isn’t common. 

Deep down I feel it’s all my problem. I’m the one thats not right and I’m the one messing up everything. I mean that. I think maybe I don’t know how to handle relationships correctly on some fundamental level. Maybe that comes from fear or trust issues. 

5:55 PM

Here I go succumbing to my thoughts again. I just don’t have a good enough opinion of myself to do anything. I can’t talk to anyone because I’m afraid they will lie about be okay with me around or doing something with them. I cannot believe anyone wants me. On top of it all my stomach has not been cooperating because of how upset and stressed I’ve been about everything. I’m in such despair and it’s only been getting worse as time goes on. 

Its no wonder I have trouble getting people to like me, I got nothing going for me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know whats meaningful to me beyond maybe 2 things. I’m not my own person so I have nothing to bounce back with. I’m not interesting at all. I have to work on being a person worth liking. 

6:21 PM

Maybe no matter how I feel, I have to keep giving to people I love. Maybe it’ll click eventually that I’m loved back. 

Im always so deep in my own head. I can’t see things for what they really are. 

10:53 PM

I’m currently out of my own head because of the words and reassurance of my friend Daisy. More or less I was able to snap out of some of the things I was thinking about, the big problem being the overthinking of everything. Also with my true desires, they can be as simple as wanting what I want. I’m trying not to overthink about my recovery though, I’d rather just enjoy it. 

I also have the question of writing that daily recap which feels boring but even if I don’t want to do it, I know future me will thank me for taking the time to document my life briefly. Although I did barely anything of note today. I stuck to my schedule fairly well with the exception of not doing my whole treadmill workout because I just didn’t have the mental or physical strength. This afternoon and evening was a bust. I tried getting in VR for a little but my stomach has been upset due to stress and I wasn’t feeling like I could genuinely talk to anyone so I gave up. The rest of the evening was spent watching MoonMoon play House Flipper which was a pretty chill time. Then I had that much needed chat with Daisy. 

I’m realizing now that obsessive thinking is one of those control strategies. In small doses, rationalizing is good but I’ve been doing it absolutely non stop. Thinking about my mental pathways and the effect everything has on me all the time is clearly not working, it just consumes energy and stresses me out even more. I think it wise to step back a little bit and try to take it easy. 

[substanceuser971]

i started using my wheelchair at work to minimize my chronic pain and fatigue, and this next week since making that choice my hours got slashed. i already dont make much as a low wage part timer, the standard hours i was told id be working are barely enough to cover rent and bills so i need to apply for ssi, but now i have to worry about if my boss is deciding that she thinks im unfit to be working as much as im supposed to be working. im hoping its just a random incident but i dont know. shes been super weird about me using my wheelchair, i havent been feeling like shes actually hearing what im saying when i tell her i dont need any accommodations for my conditions, and she went out of her way to ask me for details about my disabilities despite me outright saying i dont need accommodations, which. that alone is against ADA guidelines. but im also scared of just being fired if i try to talk to her about the situation. a coworker offered to let me take her shift with permission from our boss, and if i understand whatsapp correctly, my boss saw my message about it but still hasnt replied.

i really am sinking again into that feeling of inferiority ive been trying to overcome. i feel like im seen as disposable garbage by the people around me. i feel like even when i try to make myself small and minimize my needs and keep to myself, others are so fucking bothered by the fact that i exist. like how dare i taint this storefront with my visible disability lmfao. when i fucking do my job BETTER with my wheelchair, because im not in as much pain. i can work LONGER shifts with my wheelchair, and i can preemptively avoid needing to call out sick with a flare up from pushing myself too hard, but i feel like my boss is having her vision clouded with ideas of what she thinks it means for someone to be disabled. she almost seemed upset with me for it, because i had told her when i was hired that i would be able to do every part of the job without accommodations, but i fucking CAN. im able to stand up at the register and get up to climb ladders on the rare occasion i need to do that. i told her all of that. its like my words dont mean a thing to her. i dont know if i can ever escape being looked down and the thought makes me want to just stay locked in my house constantly instead of having to deal with dirty looks and fucking employment discrimination.

i really just want to drink or get high. i feel like pot would help better, i think the depressive effect of alcohol would just make me feel even more miserable and then id feel even more inferior for not being able to stay away from it. at least with weed, id get the happy mellow feelings of being high and its something ive accepted i wont be able to quit anytime soon. i feel resigned to addiction honestly. i can barely sleep without weed, i need it to function like a normal fucking "human being" if thats even something i have the privilege of calling myself lol. as soon as i was able to buy more, i went right back to smoking every night the way i knew i would.

and its scary, when i dont have my cholesterol meds. i have to call the doctor on tuesday to get my information updated and ask about getting those refilled, but in the meantime i feel like i need to be extra careful what i eat and how much i smoke, because i can feel the heaviness in my chest, but im too poor to afford much healthy food and im stuck with smoking because edibles are too ineffective with my freak digestive system. they stop working after just a few days of use too close together. so since my budget was limited i only bought flower because thats the surest way i can get high.

honestly if it werent for my partner supporting me, and my finances already being shit, id be a lot more scared that id turn to much more destructive drugs. hes told me that hes here to support me through my struggles with alcohol, and ive started opening up a little about my cannabis use being an issue, he already knows im a massive stoner i just havent talked much about how destructive that is. and hes told me that his big limits are cigarettes and illegal drugs, which is a huge deterrent to keep me from even considering them, especially cigarettes since ive thought about it before and theyre way too easy to access. really my partner is the biggest reason im able to keep my addictions somewhat under control. and on the flip side, them thinking im cute when im high is at least comforting when i get down on myself for using too often. i want to be healthier about it, but i hope at least of its a lifelong struggle that she can still find value in me. thats an awful way of thinking about it but i dont know how else to. i want to be valuable because i dont trust that anyone will actually like me as a person beyond what i can do for them. when i really examine the situation, i dont think thats really the kind of person my partner is, but it gets hard to fully believe it when thats what im used to.

i feel fucking pathetic, constantly, all the time. im struggling and struggling and suffering and people hate it because i cant exist as easily as they all can. im too emotional and traumatized and disabled and mentally ill and obnoxious and socially clueless. i feel like it doesnt even matter what good i do, because even small mistakes or flaws are enough for people to decide they hate me. it doesnt feel fair but i dont even know if i deserve fairness. i feel like theres something innate about me that keeps me from being as much of a person as everyone else. i cant escape being scum. i hate it. to a degree i hate people. i dont understand how God has so much forgiveness for such a cruel species. i guess thats one of the things thats so great about Him, i couldnt do the same in His position. i admire Him for that, but its hard not to feel some degree of frustration that all these people are allowed to go about their lives being cruel and hateful and ignorant while the rest of us are pushed down and left to die if not outright killed. i understand thats probably the point, we need to learn to work together to make peace and improve the world because God cant step in Himself, but its difficult to trust that were going to get anywhere at this rate. i want to keep living but its hard to feel hopeful about it. i want to live a happy life with my partner and our future kids but i get so fucking scared that ill die before i get the chance. from lack of access to medical help, from lack of money to support myself, from any random health emergency that feels like it could pop up at any moment. i hate all of this. i want to love and be loved and i want to fucking make the world better by getting involved in my community but i feel like my time is so limited and it scares me. i feel like people wouldnt really care if someone as fucking pitiful as me died, because so many people view people like me as subhuman. and ive felt that all my life. i cant escape it but at least drugs and booze let me hide from it for a few hours out of the day.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

i don't get it. im in a position where i can make so much progress. ive had interviews damn near every day this week. I go to therapy now. i dont do pills. i eat. i try to talk out what im feeling more. but its just not enough. theres STILL something there and im edging closer to it. i can feel it. im on the brink of something horrible. i dont know what's going to happen once i reach that point. im scared of what'll happen. but it feels like once it comes i wont be able to hold back. i genuinely dont know how i did this before

being so busy.. i think it was a buffer. i never felt involved in my feelings really. id just ignore them and hide them away. in one hand, im glad i am where i am. the highs i feel feel so different from back then. ive never felt satisfaction like i do now. some times anyway. but the lows STING. i can really simmer on them now. it gives the gnawing insecurities Ive been feeling a meaning. a place in me that i have to accept. i have to actively accommodate for it all now. or ill implode

every day feels like a gamble. i cant express how little i want to do/be here. i dont care about any of this fr. i care about hurting people. its paralyzing. Ive always been such a people pleaser and i cant let it go. I will minimize everything until i absolutely cant anymore. and atp i feel so backed into a corner. my only two options seem to be either blow up and forced somewhere until i can find the drive to do something other than killing myself... ooor... kill myself. i swear that wasnt on purpose lmfao. but seriously. i mean what are the other options? i can barely push myself to do anything anymore. i dont care to. id isolate from everyone if they didnt reach out so often. well that and they notice now. ive ghosted everyone too many times they all know to just act sad so ill come back T^T

i get really tempted to tell my best friend about all this. i feel like i talk too much about myself nowadays. or talk too little or too boringly on others. but then i reread ts i used to say back/how i used to say it and i think ? i prefer us now ??

HA nah. im sure its the insecurity talking. i really do love her. she is the one and only i know will stick around no matter what. no matter how boring or how angry i get she does not hate my guts. i wish i didnt like her so much tbh. it makes me angry how angry i get with her sometimes. i cant help myself when i notice something off. shes the one person i can openly express my frustrations without consequence. but i take it too far cause of it. ive had no experience with that sorta shit. i try to be better to her cause of it. i think its only fair. the junk ive put her through this last year.. the rage ive thrown at her. thee inattentiveness. selfish. ive been too focused on making myself feel better that ive let her sting because of it. i want to make it up tenfold. she deserves more. and if i cant have her in the way i want her, i will do my best in whatever place she wants me in instead. for now, thats been a more casual friendship. she doesnt talk to me as much about her feelings. her heart is really broken about her ex. as much as i dont understand what she sees in her i know that she needs her time to bounce back. i think shes getting it out of her new person. she talks about how annoying she finds her and how she disrespects her boundaries a lot. they broke up almost immediately. but she stuck around because she felt obligated to and now i think theyre building something better. hopefully. i dont meddle as much now. i dont want to hear it + prying shit from her is NOT worth the effort. when shes ready, shes so eloquent. i love listening to her talk. even when its about nothing

im gonna stop babbling about her now. i wish i wasnt so close with her i swear i make myself disgustingly obvious.. anyway. i bring up all that to say, her battery is dead. i want her to focus on making herself feel better for now. she needs to stop overextending herself so damn much. i wont let myself be another burden for her to bear. though with such a giant rush of new feelings and a single person that i know loves me no matter what.. its kinda hard

i wish that i could talk through everything with her. if only it were that easy.

i think im going to relapse not gonna lie. it makes no sense not to. ig for my health but aside from that? itll help me feel more careless. i wont need to cut myself, i wont need to blow up, i wont need to think anymore. i can just focus on acting sober annnd holding down a job. much easier than holding back whatever this is now. if this could come out of me without leaving a broken mess, i would. but if i ever told anyone my true feelings id make them sad. i need to lash out to gain the momentum to bring it up.

im gonna stop writing now. i feel like ill go on forever again.. its just been tangent after tangent

#dph addiction recovery #vent