#but the fact that you are unhappy and unsatisfied and mistreated

[stinkyme]

Hi, if it’s okay for you, I’d like to ask for someone’s advice about my current relationship. I don’t have any close friends or acquaintances that I trust with this issue or that would care enough to talk it through with me.

So, basically, I’m in a very imbalanced relationship with my boyfriend, who is my literal everything. I’ve never had any feelings for anyone before, and I doubt that I’ll ever feel the way about someone as I feel about him. I’ll try to put it short; he’s the most fascinating, intelligent and capable person I’ve ever met, and as a sapiosexual person, he’s a literal dream come true. My love for him is no rushed or „just a crush“ kind of love, it took me a long time to actually like him and develop feelings for him, but eventually, the feelings I have for him now, are unbelievably strong and I can hardly think of anything I wouldn’t do for him. We have a really intense and strong connection, and he’s actually not the one to hold affections for anyone easily. Being with him taught me how to love someone with completely different opinions and personality traits, and still get along well. I know, what I’m about to say is the bare minimum, but I still find it important to mention that he’s never outright abusive. He never gets loud, he never gets physical, or insulting, he’s not controlling or jealous, he respects me as a person.

Anyways, as much as I love him, I’m often quite unhappy; I’m very affectionate and I need to feel my partner’s appreciation for me, need to feel their love and need their support and emotional safety. I am quite independent but I still need him. Not to fix my shit and do stuff for me, but because my heart needs him.

However, he’s not particularly affectionate, and if he is, it’s not as intense as I am. If it weren’t for our connection/bond (that shows in conversations, etc.), I could think he doesn’t care about me or sees me as inferior. And I don’t even blame him, since he really is an outstanding and impressive person when it comes to his mind/skills (and I’m not saying that because I’m in love with him) and I know that I can’t keep up with him. I’m not his equal, I know that, and therefore, as much as it hurts, I understand why he doesn’t bother to pamper me or shower me with affection. This deprivation and denial of love and affection however, hits really close to home for me because that’s pretty much what my parents did as a punishment when I was little: ignore me, deny me love, made me beg and grovel for mercy to the point where I was willing to hurt myself if only that would make them love me again.

I’m so confused, and I know I have major self-esteem issues. But someone telling me that „I deserve better“ does nothing for me. I don’t think I deserve good things. Also, he is the absolute perfect and ideal guy for me (except for the lack of affection and his superiority). I want nobody else but him. I tried taking a break from our relationship for a week, and I felt like I was dying. I’ve never felt so horrible in a long time before, so I came back. I can’t help but feel that despite our connection and his love for me (which must exist somehow, otherwise he wouldn’t even bother to be in a relationship with me), he doesn’t care whether I’m by his side or not. It’s so confusing and I know that everything I just said screams „leave him“, but I just can’t, and part of me doesn’t want to. I feel awful, but sometimes, being with him feels like heaven, a sort of connection and understanding that nobody has ever been able to provide me with. He’s everything I want, if only he’d love me properly. I don’t know what to do.

~Kat

you know, a lot of times people enter relationships to satisfy their egos and he might be one of those people. I wouldn't say this if you didn't mention his superiority complex which is a huge issue and a huge red flag

Sure, he isn't textbook abusive, nor him acting superior is outright abusive, but ruining one's self esteem, confidence, trust in oneself, etc etc etc., are huge issues. If he isn't affectionate with you and you are the only one who praises him, who shows him love in many different ways and forms and if you have to beg for the same thing, can you truly tell me he loves you?

There is a difference between loving somebody and keeping them on the hook. Think of a dog who is chained up against the wall and you are holding a treat and waving it around a dog's face. Dog sees it and wants it, but can't reach it. And then you give dog a treat that one time and deny it again for quite some time. Dog will do everything, roll around and give you affection, be dependent on you in that sense because you are the one holding the treat. I think you are aware who is who here.

That's not love, that's conditioning.

I will even assume he might have issues with expressing love and affection and if you haven't talked to him about it yet - do it. I am assuming he will either say or already said that he isn't good with emotions, he can't express them, etc etc etc

That's bullshit lol, you need to learn how to show affection in order to be in a relationship. Or to have a friendship. To me it seems like you are more amazed by him and you built in a belief you will never have somebody like that again which is silly, quite frankly. He isn't the most unique person, nor is your heart limited to be able to love only one person. Given everything you've said, I highly recommend you go to therapy because there is a chance you may have developed bpd from growing up with parents like that. This isn't me diagnosing you by any means, but I think there are things you need to work through in therapy so you could understand yourself better and keep yourself safe.

As for your relationship, I can't tell you anything that would make you want to break up. You crave his attention and affection and unless you cut it off within yourself and realize that he isn't good for you mentally or emotionally, nobody can do anything. You are responsible for yourself and you are responsible to make a choice. I can give you an advice and tell you to run before this relationship strips you away from everything you are and leaves you to be a shell of a human. He is either actively or passively manipulating you, but whatever the case may be, it's unhealthy. You are maybe not dependent on him as much, but that's for now. If this keeps going you will turn into a human shell as I've said before. You will be nothing without him and everything you do and think about will be related to him only. I would suggest you break this off and work on yourself and find that fascination within yourself and learn your own desires and standards. Focus on yourself and yes, it will be hard for a while because you do have feelings for him, but feelings you have for someone shouldn't be absolute when somebody is hurting you and slowly ruining everything that you are, so do it for yourself and your own good :)

#stinkyanswers #my sweet kat <3 #i hope you will be okay :) #take your time and sit down with yourself for a while #you are unhappy and that's what matters #not who he is or what he could be or that you love him #but the fact that you are unhappy and unsatisfied and mistreated #you need to find yourself again and move on from a person who isn't good for you

[crossdressingdeath]

I agree with your points on the various threads you talk about of the Jiang Family. Reading them gave me lot of insight on their characters especially JYL once I took off my rose-tinted glasses.

Madam Yu is poison when it comes to her family dynamics and unfortunately JC turns to her guide more so than his own father. Madam Yu is a character who purposely makes things harder for her self because she is unsatisfied and unhappy. People in the fandom like to say she is a victim because her husband is not in love with her. But really who would love her as a wife or as a mother? I wouldn't... Honestly can you imagine living your whole life being tense at the dining table. I always joke with my mother and play funny pranks it'd fucking hurt me if my own mother would have said she wished I wasn't born. I am no psychologist but ya gotta admit shit like that would make you have trust issues or make you rethink critically of your own mother.

For all the Madam Stan out... MY is incredibly hard to please with

People like Madam Yu is destined to live a lonely life because they are incredibly narrow-minded and point out all the faults in their own life instead of their own actions.

That is why WWX had a second chance. I always think that he must have received divine intervention and reaped his awards because of all the good and acculmated good karma earned in his first life. He followed his own moral code and did the right thing even if things went south for him.

She is not a victim, but an abuser, a woman who terrorizes her own husband, children, and everyone around her for no apparent reason.

I'm beginning to suspect that, just as JC must have been appeased by his actions, Madam Yu was as a child.

Well, WWX got a second chance because he was powerful enough and lucky enough in his acquaintances that he was picked up as a useful tool for revenge. It gets glossed over a lot because it's not a hugely important part of the story, but WWX only gets brought back so someone else can take advantage of his incredible skill and good nature; the only difference is that unlike the Jiangs NHS is happy to leave WWX alone to live his life once the task he needs him for is done. I don't think divine intervention figures into it, he was just useful. To useful to leave dead, as it happens. Remember, all the sects were trying to track down WWX's spirit, presumably so they could use it; NHS and MXY were just the ones to make it work.

But yeah, people always treat YZY like a victim when... name one thing that happens to her that isn't her own damn fault. Her husband doesn't love her? Well, maybe she shouldn't have forced him to marry her! Her children are useless? Maybe she should have taught them instead of just berating them when they weren't instantly perfect! Her sect was destroyed and she died? Maybe she shouldn't have picked a fight with the people who'd parked an army on her doorstep! Her husband likes his ward better than her son because he was in love with the kid's mother rather than his wife? ...Well, that one's something she made up so it's even more her fault than the others because any consequences are entirely in her head and any rumours about it came from her. Really, if JFM wasn't so insanely distant and conflict-averse she would've been out on her ass years before WWX showed up in Lotus Pier. In fact morally she should have been the moment she started mistreating his children; JFM might have been okay to ignore it for himself, but he didn't have the right to make that decision for his kids. YZY got infinitely more than she ever deserved just by being allowed to stay in Lotus Pier; she certainly didn't deserve love from anyone there. Also, I hate this insistence that JFM was abusive because he didn't bow before YZY's every whim; seriously, pay attention to those arguments and it's like "He was abusive to YZY because instead of leaving WWX to starve on the street he brought him into the sect and gave him a position worthy of his skills", "He was abusive to YZY because he occasionally told her off for abusing children", "He was abusive to YZY because he had feelings for someone other than her at some point", "He was abusive to YZY because she concluded he liked his brilliant and charming ward better than his jackass son who she actively prevented from learning anything approaching decent behaviour and he didn't immediately devote all his time and attention to showing her otherwise"... They range from stupid to the usual JC stan argument of "How dare he not shut up and take abuse and instead openly dislike being treated like that". YZY deserved death more than she deserved anything approaching love from the people in her life and people claiming that JFM was the abusive one because he didn't obediently adore the woman who'd been treating him like shit for years just because she wanted it are... so wrong.

#mdzs #lotus mom #asks

[mysweetssublime]

How to work with Low Self-Esteem in Romantic Relationships

Self Esteem in Romantic RelationshipsLow Self Esteem in Romantic RelationshipsOften we think that relationships, especially, personal, intimate and romantic one’s, would nurture and nourish us and in turn boost our self-confidence. However, sometimes, this is not the case, if we have inadvertently spiraled off into a destructive or passionless or simply dead and boring relationship quagmire. What drives one to persist in (and with) a painful and unsatisfying set of circumstances, in what was once a romantic relationship that was supposed to give you pleasure and joy? As when we get into a relationship, we are generally not signing up for prolonged physical, emotional and sexual neglect or abuse.What then could be the motivation to subject oneself to the agony of continuing to be willfully involved with a violent alcoholic or a sex addict or an emotionally unavailable workaholic who just does not have time for you? In other words, what is that kernel within ourselves that enables us to remain, consciously and unconsciously, in self-damaging situations with a dysfunctional partner while staying frozen in a maladaptive relational pattern?How we embody low self-esteemOn some level, the reason why we choose to persist, and I would reiterate the choice in the matter, is perhaps, on some deep level we believe that we deserve no better, having a low opinion of ourselves and our capacities to be an independent and likable individual. These kinds of negative assumption of ourselves tantamount to a subliminal form of self-hatred. Latently or even manifestly, the voice of one’s inner critic, ensures that we remain embroiled in emotional anguish ad nauseum, while we continue to live our lives as gluttons for punishment as we feel that we deserve to be slapped, cheated on or mistreated because we might be ugly, fat, old, stupid, unattractive, unintelligent etc.We make excuses about why we cannot leave a painful and harmful dynamic which is anything but romantic because we have a fear of being alone, that we are financially dependent, that we have children with the person who abuses us or that we nurse a fantasy that our partner will change. However, over a period of time, these assumptions show themselves as examples of self-defeating delusions and fears that undermine ourselves. Bluntly put, the foundational core for these emotionally unintelligent assumptions is low or very low self esteem that sabotages us from living a better life and fashions a self-fulfilling prophesy of victimhood. Low self esteem is a requirement to tolerate unpleasant relationships because in some sense one is habituated to being treated badly and may at other times actually be a license for one’s partner to treat one shabbily.Reasons why we develop low self esteemPerhaps we grew up with an absent or an emotionally unavailable parent or experienced damaging developmental trauma that destabilized our sense of self or we were simply bullied at school. Admittedly, there might have been pain in our lives but to blame ourselves for bad things that happened to us or to wallow in them indefinitely and play the victim is self-destructive. Often the roots of low self- esteem lie deep in a wounded child within us who feels “not good enough.” As children we feel accepted only to the extent we feel unconditionally loved and supported by our parents. If we felt conditionally accepted or constantly criticized by our caregivers we started believing that we were not adequate and begin to develop an inadequate sense of self.The persecuted child grows up into a battered adult who stays paralyzed in the face of abuse, retarding her sense of agency or self-efficacy, which is the ability to take control and transform one’s life. The crux of the low self esteem issue is that when we let ourselves remain in a situation that harms and destroys our last remaining shreds of our self, health and well being, it reflects a great deal about how we feel about ourselves and about how we let ourselves be received in the world by others.Psychophysiological Consequences of Low Self EsteemOver a period of time, continued low self esteem and sense of victimhood will grind us down both psychologically and physiologically pre-disposing one to suffer from clinical depression, high anxiety, and stress. Chronic low self-esteem may lead onto more severe mood disorders ensuring that one has very low life satisfaction.Since the mind and body are intimately connected from a psychobiological perspective, prolonged relational stress will wear down our immune system, cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, neuroendocrinological system and set us up for potentially harboring carcinogenic cells or auto-immune reactions. Apart from taking serious tolls on our mental and physical health, low self-esteem prevents us from living the life we would want which is a happy well-adjusted life with a partner who loves and cherishes us.How to work with Low Self-EsteemIf you identify yourself as having low self-esteem, which in turn keeps you, locked in an unhappy romantic situation start doing something about it immediately! It is good to begin to create scenarios and experiences that give you a sense of self worth. Below is a list of activities that help bring up one’s self esteem1)     Cultivate an attitude of self acceptance and self care2)     Take some space and time away from your partner3)     Create independent activities with your friends or start socializing sometimes separately from your partner4)     Make new concrete life style shifts in your life – – e.g. start exercising, loose weight; become healthy; get a job5)     Create a new self image by changing your hairstyle and fashion sense6)     Develop your hobbies7)     Practice yoga and meditation8)     Travel alone or take a holiday with friends9)     Create new social outlets such as joining a book club or a NGO or even a dance classAll the above suggestions are to allow and curate a sense of self- confidence and enjoyment where you feel good about yourself and validated and appreciated by other people. However, despite trying all the above suggestions, you do not feel better because of overpowering feelings of helplessness, it is beneficial to speak with a qualified therapist or mental health professional about how you can either emancipate yourself from the relationship or shift your emotional reactions in or to the relationship.Since low self-esteem is in fact a psychological problem to deconstruct low self esteem one needs to pursue psychotherapeutic interventions that create cognitive and behavioral shifts. By doing psychological work one can trace and ultimately dis-identify with the wounded inner child and discipline the inner critic within one’s thought processes. Where one learns to replace negative thoughts with more self-affirming ones, and where one learns to create boundaries against abuse as a form of self-care.I, personally, feel a combination of psychotherapeutic work with self-awareness practices works best with my clients with low self-esteem. By supporting them in their mindfulness practice and psychodynamically engaging and challenging their unconscious core beliefs and assumptions about themselves, clients are able to eventually dis-identify with their negative assessments of themselves. Conversely, they generate more self-acceptance and self-compassion for themselves and in turn translate this into wholesome actions in their lives and relationships.

Visit Our Website : http://www.sonerajhaveri.com/self-esteem-in-romantic-relationships/

#Dialectical behaviour therapy in India

[secretlyatargaryen]

Is Sansa killing Tyrion a legit theory? 😂😂😂😂

People seem to actually legitimately believe it, but it makes no narrative sense. In order for this to work it has to both make sense for the characters and be narratively satisfying.First let's talk about narrative satisfaction. In order for this theory to be a satisfying end to Tyrion's story, he has to take a sharp turn into villainy. And while he's done some pretty terrible things, the narrative has not set him up as a villian. He's being set up to meet Dany and play a role in the fight against the white walkers. It's one thing for Tyrion to die by the hands of the real villains in the story while sacrificing himself for the greater good (which WOULD be a fitting ending for a complex, morally gray character), and quite another for him to be killed by one of the most unambiguously heroic characters.People who believe this theory seem to think that Tyrion needs to specifically be punished for mistreatment of Sansa. Which is narratively unsatisfying because regardless of what you actually think about Sansa and Tyrion's marriage, what GRRM wrote was both of them being coerced and he writes both of them with a sympathetic POV and is careful not to blame either of them. Their marrisge is awful and tragic because although they aren't enemies, neither of them are in a place to be allies.To have one kill the other would only be narratively satisfying as a terrible tragedy and although that might be in the cards for Tyrion, it isn't for Sansa. Placing that act on Sansa would place this weird narrative guilt onto her, and would be an unhappy ending entirely unearned.And I'm gonna say this again for people who still are unclear: yes, Tyrion touches Sansa's breast, but it's an act that he does while under coercion from his father, which also makes him a victim of assault because when someone is coerced to engage in a sexual act (and that includes being forced to perform sex acts on other, unwilling people), we call them a victim, not an abuser. If they had had sex, it would be rape for Tyrion as well as Sansa. So basically these people think a sexual assault victim should be murdered for being assaulted.Now let's talk about how it needs to make sense for the characters. Like I said, in current canon neither Sansa or Tyrion feel antagonistic towards each other. Tyrion feels kinda bitter about the whole thing and Sansa was scared to death, but those aren't murder-emotions. Sansa doesn't see Tyrion as her abuser and in fact thinks on him as someone who was kind to her. Her perspective on him would have to change a lot in order for her murdering him to make sense, especially since Sansa isn't really the murdering type. Now, there are some theories that Tyrion will do something to Sansa in the future, but like I said above, that's not Tyrion's narrative trajectory, nor do I think it is Sansa's, and even if it was, people are saying that they think Tyrion should die based on something they headcanon he might do in the future, which makes absolutely no sense.What I actually think is that some female fans identify a lot with Sansa and project every unpleasant experience they've had with men onto Tyrion, which is unfortunate because Tyrion is a disabled abuse victim - which also coincidentally makes him an easy target, so doing this does not get progressive feminist points in my book.

[sonerajhaveri]

Self Esteem in Romantic Relationships

Self Esteem in Romantic Relationships

Low Self Esteem in Romantic Relationships

Often we think that relationships, especially, personal, intimate and romantic one’s, would nurture and nourish us and in turn boost our self-confidence. However, sometimes, this is not the case, if we have inadvertently spiraled off into a destructive or passionless or simply dead and boring relationship quagmire. What drives one to persist in (and with) a painful and unsatisfying set of circumstances, in what was once a romantic relationship that was supposed to give you pleasure and joy? As when we get into a relationship, we are generally not signing up for prolonged physical, emotional and sexual neglect or abuse.

What then could be the motivation to subject oneself to the agony of continuing to be willfully involved with a violent alcoholic or a sex addict or an emotionally unavailable workaholic who just does not have time for you? In other words, what is that kernel within ourselves that enables us to remain, consciously and unconsciously, in self-damaging situations with a dysfunctional partner while staying frozen in a maladaptive relational pattern?

How we embody low self-esteem

On some level, the reason why we choose to persist, and I would reiterate the choice in the matter, is perhaps, on some deep level we believe that we deserve no better, having a low opinion of ourselves and our capacities to be an independent and likable individual. These kinds of negative assumption of ourselves tantamount to a subliminal form of self-hatred. Latently or even manifestly, the voice of one’s inner critic, ensures that we remain embroiled in emotional anguish ad nauseum, while we continue to live our lives as gluttons for punishment as we feel that we deserve to be slapped, cheated on or mistreated because we might be ugly, fat, old, stupid, unattractive, unintelligent etc.

We make excuses about why we cannot leave a painful and harmful dynamic which is anything but romantic because we have a fear of being alone, that we are financially dependent, that we have children with the person who abuses us or that we nurse a fantasy that our partner will change. However, over a period of time, these assumptions show themselves as examples of self-defeating delusions and fears that undermine ourselves. Bluntly put, the foundational core for these emotionally unintelligent assumptions is low or very low self esteem that sabotages us from living a better life and fashions a self-fulfilling prophesy of victimhood. Low self esteem is a requirement to tolerate unpleasant relationships because in some sense one is habituated to being treated badly and may at other times actually be a license for one’s partner to treat one shabbily.

Reasons why we develop low self esteem

Perhaps we grew up with an absent or an emotionally unavailable parent or experienced damaging developmental trauma that destabilized our sense of self or we were simply bullied at school. Admittedly, there might have been pain in our lives but to blame ourselves for bad things that happened to us or to wallow in them indefinitely and play the victim is self-destructive. Often the roots of low self- esteem lie deep in a wounded child within us who feels “not good enough.” As children we feel accepted only to the extent we feel unconditionally loved and supported by our parents. If we felt conditionally accepted or constantly criticized by our caregivers we started believing that we were not adequate and begin to develop an inadequate sense of self.

The persecuted child grows up into a battered adult who stays paralyzed in the face of abuse, retarding her sense of agency or self-efficacy, which is the ability to take control and transform one’s life. The crux of the low self esteem issue is that when we let ourselves remain in a situation that harms and destroys our last remaining shreds of our self, health and well being, it reflects a great deal about how we feel about ourselves and about how we let ourselves be received in the world by others.

Psychophysiological Consequences of Low Self Esteem

Over a period of time, continued low self esteem and sense of victimhood will grind us down both psychologically and physiologically pre-disposing one to suffer from clinical depression, high anxiety, and stress. Chronic low self-esteem may lead onto more severe mood disorders ensuring that one has very low life satisfaction.

Since the mind and body are intimately connected from a psychobiological perspective, prolonged relational stress will wear down our immune system, cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, neuroendocrinological system and set us up for potentially harboring carcinogenic cells or auto-immune reactions. Apart from taking serious tolls on our mental and physical health, low self-esteem prevents us from living the life we would want which is a happy well-adjusted life with a partner who loves and cherishes us.

How to work with Low Self-Esteem

If you identify yourself as having low self-esteem, which in turn keeps you, locked in an unhappy romantic situation start doing something about it immediately! It is good to begin to create scenarios and experiences that give you a sense of self worth. Below is a list of activities that help bring up one’s self esteem

1)     Cultivate an attitude of self acceptance and self care

2)     Take some space and time away from your partner

3)     Create independent activities with your friends or start socializing sometimes separately from your partner

4)     Make new concrete life style shifts in your life – – e.g. start exercising, loose weight; become healthy; get a job

5)     Create a new self image by changing your hairstyle and fashion sense

6)     Develop your hobbies

7)     Practice yoga and meditation

8)     Travel alone or take a holiday with friends

9)     Create new social outlets such as joining a book club or a NGO or even a dance class

All the above suggestions are to allow and curate a sense of self- confidence and enjoyment where you feel good about yourself and validated and appreciated by other people. However, despite trying all the above suggestions, you do not feel better because of overpowering feelings of helplessness, it is beneficial to speak with a qualified therapist or mental health professional about how you can either emancipate yourself from the relationship or shift your emotional reactions in or to the relationship.

Since low self-esteem is in fact a psychological problem to deconstruct low self esteem one needs to pursue psychotherapeutic interventions that create cognitive and behavioral shifts. By doing psychological work one can trace and ultimately dis-identify with the wounded inner child and discipline the inner critic within one’s thought processes. Where one learns to replace negative thoughts with more self-affirming ones, and where one learns to create boundaries against abuse as a form of self-care.

I, personally, feel a combination of psychotherapeutic work with self-awareness practices works best with my clients with low self-esteem. By supporting them in their mindfulness practice and psychodynamically engaging and challenging their unconscious core beliefs and assumptions about themselves, clients are able to eventually dis-identify with their negative assessments of themselves. Conversely, they generate more self-acceptance and self-compassion for themselves and in turn translate this into wholesome actions in their lives and relationships.

#Self Esteem in Romantic Relationships