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#but that doesn't mean i don't feel worthless bc all my hard work in school amounted to nothing
watermelinoe · 2 years
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i am genuinely so nocturnal it's not even funny. i "fixed" my sleep schedule for the women's fest coming up and now i can't get anything done, i just lay around exhausted and irritable all day until the sun goes down and then i get in bed and can't fall asleep bc i'm full of energy
#and if i take something to fall asleep i sleep for 14 hours bc my body is trying to correct itself ghdkfhdh#i still think it's non-24 hr and not delayed sleep phase bc i cycle thru every possible sleep schedule#but the sleep monitor the doctor wanted me to get was like >$1k and not covered by insurance sooo fuck that lmao#and not to rant but i hate it when people say ''night owls'' aren't real and it's just bc ur on ur phone or playing video games#i didn't have a fuckin smart phone when i was six years old staying up till midnight i just wasn't tired!!#and i have tried everything. i hate ppl being like ''well have you tried-'' yes. didn't work. i have decades more experience w this than u#i know people think i'm just lazy. even more so now that i also have chronic pain.#that i should be able to wake up every morning like everyone else.#i was so excited abt this new sleep doc because he was the first one to say ''why don't you just follow your body's schedule''#and he had this great care plan too but his team sent me on this wild goose only to find out this device would be over $1k#ppl think wow she doesn't even work like it's not humiliating to see your peers advancing their careers#while you had to give up on your dreams#i'm so lucky to be financially supported by my parents bc i would be dead otherwise#but that doesn't mean i don't feel worthless bc all my hard work in school amounted to nothing#who would hire someone who can't keep a consistent schedule? my only hope is IT but i can't handle traditional college again#it nearly fuckin killed me the first time#but will my online degree even help me#i want to work i want to contribute i want to be financially independent#i wish the rest of the world was wide awake at night like me
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hopefull-mindset · 8 months
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Hi I'm the anon who sent the "rambling" ask about Nagito from like 2 weeks ago. I forgot to check for a response lol.
I wanted to elaborate on what I said about Nagito's backstory bc it was vague and I have Thoughts.
I actually don't think his casual attitude towards his past makes it harder to take seriously (if anything I think that adds to the tragedy of it). I was mostly just referring to the specific things that happen. One of my gripes about DR is that I feel like some characters have unnecessarily dark/tragic backstorys. Either bc I feel like they don't really need a dark past at all (eg Akane), or it's excessive to the point of being ridiculous.
I know Nagito's backstory is supposed to unbelievable to show how extreme his luck is, and that DR as a whole isn't exactly grounded in reality, but I feel like it would hit harder if it was just a little more believable.
Like, maybe his parents die in a car crash instead of a plane crash (or just make it a normal plane crash without the convoluted "the plane gets hijacked but then the hijackers get hit by a meteor but that also kills his parents"). The cancer is fine, but the dementia is overkill. Then there's the kidnapping thing which like. I find it hard to believe that the killer would just let him go after not getting what they wanted. It'd make more sense for him to have escaped on his own. Or we could just get rid of that entirely. If you want to drive home the fact that he has no family, just have him end up in some shitty orphanage or something.
Which brings me to my next point. It's implied that Nagito just lived alone after his parents died. But I find it hard to believe that an elementary school-aged kid could live by himself and have full control over his own finances. It'd make more sense if he ended up in some kind of foster care (or maybe just on the streets). I also think him being an orphan who doesn't get adopted/gets bounced around between foster homes would be fitting with his perceived worthlessness and desire to be loved, perhaps even more so than him being totally isolated.
Ok I think I covered everything (as far as canon events go at least). Sorry this turned into an essay lol.
Oh hello anon! Thank you for clarifying, I was a little perplexed as to how I should’ve responded to your ask. I don’t have much to really say about the events themselves, but I’ll try to add my two cents.
I do agree that it makes it sadder how casual he talks about it, I think I was more talking in behalf of the people that didn’t rethink his words when he claimed he was lying because of how unserious it felt with the music playing behind it. It’s so normal for him to experience these things that his layer back attitude is very unnerving for the normal person, which is utterly tragic.
I do see what you mean about not need every character to have some tragic messed up backstory, especially when it has no actual impact in the story itself. It’s good to expand a character through side content, but it gets too much. I think it works in favor for the sdr2 cast considering it shows that all of them have the potential to turn to despair due to their past experiences, and how Hope’s Peak doesn’t actually care for the students themselves and their own feelings towards their talents, but canon kicks itself in the crotch by never expanding more with these backstories in the actual storyline and how dr3 was handled ughh.
When it come to Komaeda’s backstory however, I do think it works for him when it comes to the absurdist writing because his entire existence is drenched in the absurdism danganronpa is known for. It would probably hit harder if Komaeda was more realistic and I understand that, but ultimately that’s not what Komaeda is. He is purposefully hard to relate to and hard to believe, only with real effort you can find yourself in him, and he even rejects that effort itself. Komaeda cannot survive in a series that isn’t Danganronpa because he is Danganronpa, a clunky mess that somehow works in its accidental genius.
I sound absurd myself, but when it comes to Komaeda you can only rely on your own suspense of disbelief to sympathize with him. Sorry for being a bummer to your roll because your criticisms are not at all wrong, I just personally don’t find it to be a problem myself.
About the killer and orphan thing, I think I could try to give some insight on them? Here’s one thing you forgot: he’s canonically implied to be a rich kid. Even if he isn’t thrown into situations like being on the streets or the foster care system, he still had other family members to be dropped onto, his status would still give him privileges like a nanny to watch over him, etc.
The killer, while I did find strange that he decided not to kill the rich kid after all, he definitely did target him because he was from a wealthy family. So what could that mean? Well obviously we could go for the heartbreaking answer of nobody in the extended family wanted to help him because of his problematic luck or annoyance of his existence, we could go for another that none of them were alive to actually get anything out of him since it took place in middle school, and he did say that his luck took direct action against him right before he was eventually taken into Hope’s Peak academy because of his lack of family left. It depends on when during middle school this happened.
So I guess there wasn’t any real consequence to leaving this lonely wealthy child on his own since there’s nothing nobody could actually do to lead back to them or would care enough to do anything. Upsetting I know, the unfortunate irony of being thrown away like trash for Komaeda is… well anyway I think the point of this event was to drive in Komaeda’s feeling of being unwanted, even by the worst of the worst of society, at least that’s what I think of it.
The only thing I question is how Komaeda himself personally describes his good fortune after what happened to his parents. What would a kid in elementary really need immense wealth and freedom for??? I find myself perplexed by his choice of words because it implies a lot. I know we could go the route of “his parents were terrible” when it comes to the freedom part, but I think there’s a better answer to this.
This is an example of Komaeda justifying what happened to fit a narrative he’s formed because of, most likely, what society/the people around him has fed him and what he’s chosen to believe. I’ve already mentioned this before, but his mentality reflects specific societal beliefs to an exaggerated point because his life is exaggerated. Where any of these came from to make Komaeda think this: who freaking knows.
Sorry if this isn’t exactly what you were expecting, and I wish I could add more. I hope this was satisfying enough.
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mokutone · 2 years
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I'm drawing Kakashi for the first time (as much as I love them, I rarely ever draw naruto characters so this is a little fun and new for me) and I'm struggling a little bc I'm trying to draw him relaxed, reclining with pakkun (in the way I recline with my cat) and I'm realizing there's something so personal abt drawing him in such a vulnerable pose ig. Like? I'm very tired too rn so maybe I'm being extra emotional and rambly but there are so few scenes of kakashi in canon where he's not wearing the jounin vest, where he's alone and relaxed and out of uniform. And I didn't realize it until I was trying to think back to other similar scenes and there really weren't any. and I'm kind of mesmerized by how you draw him because you capture that so so well, your art is gorgeous but it's also so real and expressive in a way that shows a lot of practice and a lot of love. Idk i think I've said this before and I'm sorry if it's annoying that I'm saying it again (I'll just shut up after this lol) but I went to an art school and I had massive burnout and only really started drawing again in the past 6 months and you were one of my inspirations 2 start drawing again and I'm still not as good as I'd like to be but I draw so much more now and having an actual passion for art has led to a huge improvement, so thank you and thank u for bearing with me and my sleep-deprived rambles. I think my original point got sidetracked. I forgot why i started writing this ask.
dkgjhsdgkjdshg no i think you're 100% right abt the kakashi relaxed thing, even when we see him "relaxed" he doesn't ever really Look relaxed. like
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here he is chilling out in the hot springs. this man does not look relaxed but he DOES look exhausted and maybe a little like he's gotten lost. somebody help this confused man find the exit.
anyway art + motivation talk beneath the cut
djhsdkjghsdkjhg thank u for all the compliments abt my art, i do work really hard in order to draw expressive characters, and spend a lot of time paying attention to how the small details in posture and expression change how the character comes across, and im glad it pays off!
also yeah no, similarly, once i left art school (when the pandemic hit) i did have a good 6 months where i did not pick up the pencil even once, and like, usually i feel rlly bad or guilty when i'm not drawing, but my burnout was real bad and i was straight up angry abt everything dgkjhsdgkjh so i just...didn't draw for like 6 months. i didn't even feel bad about it bc i was too busy being angry
and i had a bad relationship with art at the time and eventually realized i kind of had to like? make a different relationship with art—like, try to stop seeing art as something which gave me fundamental worth as a human being, or part of who i am? you know? that's a LOT of pressure to put on just...something that i do. if i took that kind of approach to literally any other task in my life, i'd never do it. imagine thinking that the way and style with which you descend the stairs gives you your worth as a person and if you don't do it exactly right then it means you're worthless as a person? buddy i'd just find a way to go down and out through the window LMAO
i think this is the thing which gives a lot of people burnout, it's exhausting to be constantly working on something and ALSO believe that if you fuck it up even a little, it's because you are the fuckup, and a fundamental failure of a person. god thats so much pressure.
anyway so i decided to make a naruto art blog because i don't even like naruto That Much but my best friend had been trying to get me into it for years (ty kate ilu kate), and so any art that i made would be purely for fun, wouldn't have anything to do with my self worth, and might make kate laugh too, and that's why this blog exists! and taking the pressure off of creating art like that has been enormously helpful to my mental health and my ability to create, also i take breaks alllllll the time, i'm like...way healthier about my art thanks to that, and also just...a nicer person, i think? anyway i'm very glad that i inspired you to get back into art but i'm far more glad that you've found a passion for it, cultivating that passion and joy is so important
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#a lot of the way i approach art is bc i worked with kids for a while and like. u can kinda tell when a kid is at the breaking point w/ art#where they're like ''if one more thing goes wrong i am going to Lose It''#+ at that point as a ''teacher'' u have to pick between giving them critique on their artwork to improve OR letting it go + saying their#art is good and they're doing really well#and i always pick the second one—LIKE. once the kid is no longer feeling soooo frustrated abt their art that they're at a breakin point?#THEN we can talk critique. and even then i will still tell them what they're doing well#until theyre at that point tho its all ''yeah!!! you're killing it! look at these new skills you're learning! look how you're improving!''#''look how funny/beautiful/exciting/cool your piece is!!!!''#because first and foremost. i think that art should be enjoyed#having creation as a friend and ally vs A Duty is sooo important#TO BE CLEAR LIKE. this is also still technically a form of critique#i dont just say ''good job champ! great work doing art!'' if u wanna compliment art and have it mean something you do have to be#specific about what is good...not ''that looks great!'' but ''wow you draw really fabulously detailed noses!#or ''wow the fashion you're drawing is really cool—i wish i had that jacket!'' like.#as in all things. compliments and praise are only meaningful if they are /meant/ and you cant fake that#MY POINT IS. if we want to take the pressure off ourselves with art. i think we also gotta treat ourslves like this#look at what we're doing and compliment things we genuinely think weve improved upon. love our successes#nothing better for the ego than to compare new art to old art and look at what weve changed#i should do some redraws at some point#my jutsu
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borderlinereminders · 2 years
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How do you handle hard things like being rejected? Or not getting your way? No pressure to respond bc I saw your current posts. The most important thing to me is that you are ok.
Hi anon,
When it comes to being rejected, that can be so hard. And for me, I like to allow myself to feel those feelings. If I feel like crying, or screaming into a pillow or anything like that, I allow myself that release. What I don't do is humour thoughts like "Wow, guess I'm worthless" because that's the start of a spiral for me. When I feel those thoughts coming, I try and curb them. I don't go for self love thoughts because those aren't attainable to me, if they are for you, by all means go for that! I'll think things like "I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay".
I also try to make efforts to not isolate myself and reach out for support when needed. Sometimes I might feel a need for more reassurance, and in this case, I might reach out to a friend and ask for it in a healthy way. "Hey, I'm feeling really insecure. Can you please give me some reassurance?"
I might also reassure myself by keeping a list of my accomplishments. This takes time, but mine says things that seem "big" like "I got my BA!" or "I made the Dean's List!" But they also say things like "Today I didn't want to get out of bed but I managed it despite everything! (Date in brackets)". While accomplishments aren't going to fix it, they serve as a reminder to me of what I've done and that I can be proud of me. This kind of falls into the category of working on your self-esteem, which is an overall good thing to do. Like I said, it doesn't have to be self-love but even self-neutrality.
It's important to know that someone rejecting you doesn't mean that you aren't worthy, or anything like that. A lot of times it's something to do with their life, or even just being incompatible as friends, partners, etc.
I feel like I could go on about rejection stuff for awhile, and in the interest of addressing your second question and this is already getting so long, I'm going to move on.
When it comes to not getting your way, this is so largely dependent on a number of factors, such as what is it you didn't get? If it's something like having emotional needs met in your relationship, while those may take compromise on both sides, your emotions needs should never be disregarded.
If it's something like not getting to choose the activity for the hang out, that is also dependent on... Do you ever get to choose? Or is this a thing where you take turns and you just aren't happy with it today? In the interest of preserving a friendship, it's important to remember that while we are the main characters in our story, sometimes we do have to make compromises for other relationships.
In times like this, I might step back and reflect. Is this a strong friendship that I value? In this case, I can usually rationalize it to myself by I'm making someone I care about happy, and that can give me my own joy there even if I'm bitter about the situation itself.
Sometimes the "not getting our way" isn't about a friendship but about something we have to deal with, like compromises in school or work. Relationships that we don't necessarily value but need to deal with. In this case, please make sure that you aren't being treated unfairly (because work place abuse is definitely a thing).
I guess it's unclear whether you mean this in a relationship sense, or just in general like "life isn't going my way."
In that case, I think it's also important to have perspective. While I don't agree with disregarding our emotions (because they are valid), sometimes it can be helpful to think about things that make us smile. For me, even when life is beyond terrible and I wonder "why is everything falling apart?" I look at my dog's face, or hug my partner and remind myself that things are going to be okay.
I also think if you are constantly comparing things about yourself, your life to others that it's good to work on stopping that behaviour.
Depending what is not going your way, it might be worth stepping back to evaluate the problem. (Advice for this varies so much on what type of problem it is.)
For both things, focusing on self care is so important. Self care isn't just bubble baths, face masks and rest. Sometimes self care is doing things that we don't want to do to ease our stress on situations. For example, sometimes self care has been forcing myself to get stuff done on my to-do list because it eases some of my feelings of being overwhelmed.
Here are some coping mechanisms you can check out.
I'm sorry none of this was specific advice. It's hard to give vague advice, but if you ever have something specific, feel free to write back in.
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nyxopenjournal · 10 months
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Life seems very unmanageable when you have no idea what you want or are supposed to do with yourself anymore. I feel like I already did all the things you're "supposed" to do. I went to school. I got the grades. I got my diploma and my degree. I've had a job in my field & experienced that by the time I was 22. Well what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I don't have a purpose. I don't understand what anything is or who I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do now. And I have no idea how to figure that out. If it were up to me I'd park my car somewhere and sit there until I rot. Or run it into some deep body of water. Or crash it into a building. I want to. Everyday I consider it. It wouldn't be hard. Because honestly what's even the point of me being alive? I don't have a reason to live or wake up. Nobody fucking cares if I'm around or breathing. I'm extremely replaceable. It doesn't matter. I wish it weren't that way. I wish I mattered. I wish I had a place somewhere and meant something to anyone and could find my person and live happily with them. But it's just not realistic for me. It's just not in the cards. I'm not worth that. I've been thinking about "bc you have a piss poor self view" since it was said to me lol. It's true. I fucking hate myself. Bc I'm worthless. There was a time where I actually did like myself and who I was as a person. It seems so far away now and it seems impossible to feel that again. I don't know what I did to get there. I don't know how to get it back. This is so frustrating. Feeling like this everyday. If I could just die in my sleep I think it'd do more good than harm. There wouldn't even need to be a funeral because I'm not important enough for anyone to pretend they'd miss me. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I'd have been gone in 3rd grade and wouldn't have had to experience any of this. I would've been gone instead of being such a burden on anyone I come in contact with. I wish I was dead. It seems so peaceful. Today has been a shit day I woke up feeling like a piece of shit. But that's what I am. It should be normal. I always think I'm starting to be okay until I don't have a distraction in front of me. Going days without work makes me remember what a fucking useless garbage nothing I am. At least then I have a few hours to distract myself from the thinking and then by the time it hits it's too late because I'm too tired to let them simmer much. But then there's the weekend and I remember that I have nothing. And no one wants to be around me and I'm just stumbling around because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or what I want to do. I want to give up so bad. I don't know what keeps me here. I think it's fear of the unknown more than anything because everything I've come to know here just hurts. I really do want to die. I just can't bring myself to do it myself. Not yet at least. Maybe one day. I hope. I can finally stop wasting space. I didn't mean to cause so much damage to anyone's life. I leave a mess wherever I go. I'm always the problem. Even my own family believes it and left me. Why would anyone else stay. It makes sense that they leave and find others better than me. There's always going to be someone better than me. I'm not a good person. I don't deserve good things. That's the only thing that makes sense. I don't really know what I did to cause this existence on myself but it had to be awful for me to be suffering this much. I can't do anything right. Please just take me out so everyone can get on with their lives. It's for the best. No one needs me. And I have to be okay with that. I just wish I had one thing to grasp on that was a glimmer of something worth living for. But this tunnel has no light at the end. It's just running blindly in the darkness until I eventually hit a brick wall and die. There's no way out of this. I don't have any worth. Good for nothing piece of shit waste of space. That's all I am. And no one should have to put up with that. It's fair they leave. Find someone worthy of their time and effort. I'm not worth it. I get it.
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askjennie · 7 years
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#1 I have a friend who isn't doing so well in school. I don't know the whole story, but apparently if she doesn't get her grades up soon (VERY soon, because school will end in about a week) then she'll have to go to summer school. She'll have to do more chores and I won't be able to see her until the next grade. She's trying really hard, I can tell, practically begging mercy from her teachers and getting all the extra credit she can get and all that, but her mom can't see that. My friend tries--
Continued:  #2 –… My friend tries to explain to her mother how hard she’s working when her mom quarrels with her, but her mom says things like, “Well, there’s another excuse. Should add this one to the list?” And others like “I wish you would just take action instead of lying and being lazy.” My friend deals with serious depression and stress, and when she needs help with it, she goes to me instead of her mom. I have no problem with this, but I feel bad for her bc her mom doesn’t care. –#3 (sorry this is so long..) My friend once ran away to get to my house to vent bc her mom would listen, nor care, but before she could get to me, the police found her. I found out that this happened the day after. I just wish I could help her more than I can, bc I feel like I’m not helping her very well… You know what I mean? Wanting to help someone, not knowing what to do, trying your best but.. you still feel… Worthless? What should I do to help her?
Jennie: Being someone’s friend is valuable, even if you can’t do anything to change the situation they’re in. Her life is better than it would be without you, because you’re there supporting her.
There are some practical things you could do to help her. You could suggest that she speaks to a counsellor at school, or a trusted teacher, about the way her mom is treating her, and about her depression, and you could offer to go with her for support. You could recommend she contacts a helpline such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or Crisis Textline if she needs to talk to someone other than you about her mental health. You could help her study, if there are subjects that you’re doing better in than she is, and help her to improve her grades. You could let her come round to your house more often, if you’re allowed, so that she can get a break from the environment in her house.
But listening, and being there for her, and being supportive, is not worthless. Even if that’s all you can do to improve her situation, it makes a difference. Let her know that you care, and that you’ll be her friend regardless of how good her grades are, and that if she can think of anything you can do to help, she should tell you. Just continue being her friend.
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