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tipsyleaf · 1 day

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I think I genuinely found the perfect song for Leon and his wife as like "their song".

(Yes ik it's the song from Twilight but it's fitting!!!)

Now, when I think about them getting married I don't think they did a big wedding. They got married on a whim because Leon had vacation time coming up. They got married by a justice of the peace at a courthouse in front of everyone they cared about and rented a party room at a nice restaurant they really love just to have a good meal and be with everyone who matters.

They didn't have a cake, no flower toss, no first dance. But you did get to dress up, everyone did. Just shared their happiness with everyone. You had a honeymoon for sure though. 2 blissful weeks in Italy together, the vacation they'd planned on taking together. Just to have a romantic get away.

You promised each other that you'd do something special for your first anniversary but you got pregnant and Violet was barely 3 months old on your wedding anniversary that the thought slipped both your minds.

But one afternoon Leon's heading home from a particularly grueling case. Everything that could have gone wrong almost did. And of course he's sitting in traffic when all he wants is to go home an see his wife and daughter. The only thing sounds are the engine and occasional honks from idiot drivers. So he turns on the radio to fill the silence. He catches the ending of some other song. The radio dj coming on and talking for a bit, he reaches for the dial when piano keys fill the car. He just goes back to waiting, sitting back in his seat as he does so.

And my God does he get emotional... He doesn't know if it's the stress he's under or if it's that he can't stop thinking about how relevant everything feels.

He knows his life is hard, It's been hard since that night in Raccoon City and everything that's happened to him. All the people he's seen suffer and the awful things he's seen. But once he met you he finally had something good. Something that gave him hope.

His life changed so much in the past 5 years of being together. You loved him. You married him. You gave him the family he's always wanted and his life is barely over a quarter of the way through. He gets to come home to you and the beautiful baby girl he loves so much.

How could he not finally be thankful for being alive?

Because he gets to live not to just be a weapon anymore. He's got something to look forward to.

Your anniversary rolls around. It's almost midnight and you're prepping your lunch for the next day at work. As Leon walks into the kitchen. Doing his usual schtick of wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your neck. Giving you the usual kisses with a tight squeeze so you can't escape his love as you squeal for mercy. He eventually stops his torturing affection and looks at the stove clock as you zip you're lunchbox closed.

Soon you're lifted from the floor being carried by the waist out of the kitchen.

"Leon! I'm not done yet!"

"It's our anniversary now so I get to do what I please."

"That's not how this works!"

He sets you on the floor, standing as you playfully glare at him. He hustles over to the stereo, plugging his phone in and turning it up, not loud enough to wake the baby.

"What're you doing?" You question, hearing the piano fill the living room as he hustles around the couch.

"What we should of done last year. Our first dance. He wraps his arms around you, pulling you close.

"Leon, we've danced since we got married."

"Yes, but we never picked a song! So just, dance with me and listen. Please? Pleeeease?" He bounces on place till you sigh and wrap your arms around him.

You just stare into each other's eyes while you slow dance. Swaying gently to the music as you listen. Both of you getting emotional by the end of the song. Tears streaming down both your faces. Still smiling as you hug him tight.

"Being with you was one of the best choices I've ever made. I love you so much."

#leon kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x fem reader #leon s kennedy #🌿 ivy writes #resident evil x reader #🏡 domestic life with leon kennedy #Spotify

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king-paimon · 3 days

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Houseki No Kuni Chapter 108 Thoughts: Everything Stays....

Hello all. I hope the month of April was good to everyone. It was alright for me, though I'm just in awe by how fast it went! Time really goes by too quickly as you get older.

Speaking of time, would you look at that? The final chapter of Houseki no Kuni was released! 108 chapters over the course of 12 years. And I've been following it for nearly 5 of those years! Wow! That is quite the feat, Ms. Ichikawa.

I'd been waiting for this day for a long time, and the feeling is bittersweet, with the overlaying feeling of relief. This emotional rollercoaster that Ms. Ichikawa had sent us on has finally reached it's dock.

Phos's story is finally complete. What a ride it had been!

Now the question is: Was I satisfied?....

I'll do my best to answer this. I don't know how long this post will be, but I'm hoping that it won't be too long (edit: Oops. I was wrong.) And as always, please feel free share your own thoughts if you're interested!

Here we go:

Phos's True End: Was It Satisfying?

I reread this chapter a few times to answer this question and to be honest, I still reach the same conclusion: It was fitting. Not absolutely bad or 100% amazing, but in terms of Phos's whole journey throughout this story, I think this was a fitting ending for Phos, and that's good. And if anything else, it's a little ironic.

I mentioned in my last post that I thought it was funny that the remaining piece of Phos had become the youngest/newest member of the pebble species much like how they originally were at the beginning off the whole manga. It seems though, the similarities don't end there because of this little interaction between Eyeball/Pita-pat and Pebble Phos:

I'm sure this was supposed to be a little cheeky conversation and Eyeball/Pita-pat didn't really mean it. But still, this was an interesting exchange to include in this final chapter, especially right before it's implied that Eyeball/Pita-pat passed away.

One intriguing story choice Ichikawa made was having Pebble Phos continuously fall apart near the end to the point that they become a small spec. To be honest, I was not sure how to feel about this part when I first read, especially considering how now there's hardly any of Phos left now. Like, after Eyeball/Pita-pat saved that last bit of Phos so they could have a nice life away from humanity, it'd be unfair for them to break apart again to nothing after all of that. But I did like how the pebbles decided to view Pebble Phos' changes; that their fragments surely became beautiful comets that would brighten someone's day. And that shot with original Phos was nice...

Also, I saw the post that implied that Ichikawa released this final chapter around the same time that a rare famous comet was supposed to be seen on Earth. I want to say that I think it was a pure coincidence, but I'm not putting anything past this author!

This chapter made me think of that one song from Adventure Time: Everything Stays. If you haven't heard of it, please give a listen. It's a song about life and the course of change. It focuses on how even if things appear to stay the same over the course of time, changes still occur, even if subtle. Phos certainly changed a lot throughout their story through intense mind and physical altering events. But I also think they changed subtly even during the less intense moments. I think the moments in this final chapter fit with this song, too. Phos was always evolving, even when it didn't appear so. Through their interactions and lack thereof with others and their environment, Phos was always changing and growing, ever so subtly. And even in this last chapter, Phos is still evolving and that'll likely never end.

Interesting... after thinking about it some more, I think I feel a little more satisfied with how this chapter/story ended. I'm glad that Ms. Ichikawa didn't pull some other twist near the end; that certainly would have ruined it for me. Am I 100% happy with how Phos's story ended? I don't think so. But to me, it's a fitting end.

But what do I think about the series as a whole?

When The Journey Ends: Was It Worth It?

There are very few manga or written stories that had me wanting to see how things end because more often than not, there aren't that many stories that I've read to completion. Part of it is because I don't want the story to end; basically, I'd have the thought process that if I don't know how the story ends, the story doesn't end! Perfect logic (sarcasm). Though this usually happens because I lose interest or because the story goes in directions that I don't like, I'd say one of the main reasons I end up dropping a series is because of how a story ends. How a story ends can completely change one's opinion of a story, and I've seen my fair share of stories that end badly. Sometimes the ending is abrupt and not satisfying, especially if it was lead by a big build up, or the ending is a result of a jarring story pivot that seems to come out of left field. It just seems that many creators don't know how to end their story well. And if I like a story a lot, sometimes I'm too scared to see how it ends. Partially because I don't want the story to end, but mostly because I don't want the end to ruin my experience.

Houseki no Kuni is a unique case for me. I know I've mentioned this before but I'll state it again: I don't think I've ever been so invested in a story like this before. Though that investment had dwindled over time, partially due to me developing new interests, life, and being occasionally dissatisfied with certain story choices, I wanted to see this how this story would end no matter what. And now that it's done, I'm glad I stuck it out.

Was this story perfect? No. There were several story decisions that I wish was either told differently or completely omitted that could have made the story stronger in my opinion.

Did I get a too invested in this story? During certain points, most definitely haha. I remember getting very emotional about certain chapters when I first started making this series of meta posts. I remember seeing some posts from people stating that they no longer liked the manga because of the direction it was going and in some cases, I could see where they were coming from.

Do I regret getting so invested in this story? No. No I don't. Despite not liking certain story aspects, I do not regret getting invested in this story. Though the story was not perfect, this was such a unique experience that I'm grateful to have gone through.

I plan on talking more about how I feel about Houseki no Kuni as a whole in another post. I intend to delve into what I loved about it and what I wish was different. While I could include that stuff here, I think this post is long enough. I've already started working on it, but I know it'll be a while before it's done; you bet there will be some parts with me ranting a little haha

But long story short, despite some grievances I have with some parts of the story, I feel satisfied with how it ended. And I'm glad that I read this series.

What Happens Next: Thank you, HnK Fandom

I want to thank those who've read, liked, and even commented on my posts! I didn't think so many of you would like, let alone read, my longwinded messy posts. I loved every feedback I got, even the ones that didn't agree with me. You made me love being part of this niche fandom. Like I said in the previous section, I have at least one more post that I want to make detailing everything I feel about Houseki No Kuni as a whole. I might make another one that's more for fun, but we'll see. I encourage anyone who's interested to share your own thoughts on the post! I seriously love reading different perspectives.

But after those posts, I don't know how involved I'll be in the fandom afterwards. I may repost some art and other people's meta posts on occasion. But when it comes to meta commentary, these will likely be my last posts about HnK. I have other fandoms that I like to follow, though I don't make posts about them. Perhaps I will, though I know they will be nothing like the posts I've made about Houseki no Kuni. This was the only series I've ever felt compelled to analyze so deeply, which makes it special for me. If I were to post anything about the other stuff I'm into, it'll most likely be of fanart that I made for my own personal enjoyment. I know scare many of my followers away since they'll not be HnK related. But who knows? I haven't made any HnK art in a long time... Maybe one of these days, I can try to make some HnK art again. I have some unfinished pieces on my computer that's now years old. Yeah, I should finish them when I have the time. That'd be a fun little send off.

Anyhow, if you are interested, please hang around for my final HnK meta posts! And when it's out, please please PLEASE share your own thoughts in it! Don't be afraid to share your opinions. I promise I don't bite.

So that's it. These are my thoughts of the final chapter of Houseki no Kuni. I might add more to it, but I'm fine with what I put out. Wow... I still can't believe I got into this series 5 years ago! So much had changed in my life since then. Despite everything, it was worth it.

Thank you again for reading my jargon. It means a lot and I can't wait to post my true final meta posts about Houseki no Kuni.

What a ride this was.

Until next time...

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #hnk #hnk spoilers #hnk meta #lotl spoilers #hnk phos #lotl #hnk spoiler #hnk phosphophyllite #hnk manga #houseki no kuni spoilers #personal thoughts #hnk chapter 108 #phosphophillyte #phos #hnk manga spoilers #manga

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azrielgreen · 2 days

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I am genuinely so impressed by how you are juggling so many projects. What is your writing process like for that? I remember you sharing about how you romanticize the process but like how much time is given to each project? Is it based on where the dopamine leads you during the day? How do you maintain the discipline? How much of a project is mapped before you start drafting and editing? It is so hard to create and i just *genuinely* admire your work ethic so much.

Hi, oh thank you so much, that's really kind of you! So, juggling multiple projects is still new to me, I've only ever had 1 or 2 at once before but the last year has taught me a LOT about how to manage it, how to roll with the punches and the importance of balance.

TL;DR this became a ramble so I summarised:

3 hours a day

dopamine led but with consistent rewards in place

discipline countered with indulgent self care

embracing change and new inspiration

not comparing to others

making work space very pleasing and comfortable

trust you will do it because you've done it before

romanticise

stay open to the universe

you've never failed unless you give up completely - it's fine to miss a deadline, life is very short and it's better to be healthy, happy and inspired than burnt out and sick. take it slow, enjoy it, work when you can and reward yourself CONSTANTLY.

So, time wise, I will try to dedicate at least 3 hours a day to one single project and I'll try to keep it one project per week otherwise my head is all over the place. It's usually dopamine led as following joy is key to my energy levels, but I have also learnt the past year to discipline myself and adapt to a constant flow of creation.

I maintain the discipline by treating myself as wonderfully as I possibly can. I still and always will romanticise everything I do and make it fun; all frills, self indulgent and lovely. Having a space I love that's set up well is hugely important for me. My desk area is amazing now that I've worked on it for well over a year.

One of the best things for crafting discipline but not losing the joy is the THRILL of achievement. When I complete something, i feel amazing and that spurs me on. I cultivate multiple ideas as indulgently as I can and expose myself to a lot of new inspiration. If something doesn't work or feels not good? I give myself the freedom to change it up and the confidence to know that no matter what, it'll work out beautifully so long as I keep going because it always has. There were times during Touched I would CRY it was so hard to write and I was so distracted.

Knowing you can do something because you've already done it is an incredibly powerful little power up that I use often to give myself a boost.

But honestly, overall, I really do romanticise my life in general. I make beautiful things, I love what I write, I'm so grateful for everything and always open to new ideas and I never close myself off by comparing, doubting or clinging too hard to what felt good before. I give myself space to realise that I'm constantly changing and growing and that my writing reflects that which is SO exciting!! I think honestly, I'm my biggest fan. I hype myself, reward myself and treat writing like a blissful escape, which it is, even when it's 7 hours non-stop for a story I am very ready to be done with.

The most important thing about maintaining this level of output (for me) is giving myself space to mess up a little, to miss a deadline, to delay posting and not feel awful. 'You're Divine' is one of the greatest writing lessons I've ever learned, in that just because you can physically write 25k+ a week doesn't mean you SHOULD. Towards the end I had made myself very ill. I won't ever do that again. It's never a failure, unless you give up completely. Life is very short, it's difficult to feel inspired when you're hard on yourself. Treat yourself like the person you love most in this world. Be a little selfish, lean in where you're weird and praise it to the skies.

Thanks so much again!

Love, Az

💜💜💜

#askaz

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delilahcalicocat · 1 day

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Can i request an AEW Hook x reader fic where reader got pregnant with his baby and she broke up with him without telling him that she was pregnant. Reader returns to AEW 1 year later for Taz's birthday and she brings the baby with her but she tries to hide the baby from Hook. Hook finds out the truth somehow

A/N: Ofc!!! Honestly I made it half-angst half-fluff :) and reader had twins in this I guess-

♡~Wha- How...~☆

{Ratin: Fluff and Angst}

{Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of Pregnancy/Birth.}

{Pairing: HOOK/Tyler x Fem!Reader}

You and Hook had dated for sometime, until the night you'd caught him with your own friend in your bed..

A little while after that, you two made up. Until Hook splashed the cold water and said he wanted to break up with you..

You were a mess after that day, watching him move out of your house... the tears mixed with your eyeliner.. the stains on your cheeks for the rest of the day.

You both wrestled for AEW, so what was wrong.. Did He move on?

You didn't know. But you couldn't care because you never told Hook about the secret, you wanted to tell him. But then he broke up with you-

Next thing you know. It's been a few months and you wish you could wrestle, but you had two little Demon spawns crawl into the world a month ago. So you were on the shelf.

But while said spawns were asleep, you flicked through channels on the TV. Knowing if you even wink. Those demons would cry.

So you tried your best to stay awake, but failed majorly. You ended up asleep in 30 minutes probably for not sleeping for almost 2 weeks straight because of your kids.

You eventually recovered, and you were ready to wrestle again. But- you had to travel with your son, since your mom had forgotten to get him out of the car seat from your trip to the shop, so while your daughter Arianna slept soundly in her cradle. You had to deal with Jayson, who was a feisty little mess.

Your jaw dropped when you saw.. Him.

"Fuck- Tyler's coming..." You spoke, hiding your son in your locker room

You heard Hook chatting with Taz, about the birthday plans after the show.. you tried to be as silent as ever so they wouldn't know you and your son were in the locker room

"Alright Dad, I'll see you later- have fun on commentary" Hook spoke as his dad walked off

You on the other hand were still silent, until you left your locker room to go towards the ring.

"Oh! Hey Y/N!" You heard Danhausen say at the worst possible time

"Hi Danhausen!" You said back, trying to act like everything was peaches & cream.

"Hey Y/N-" You froze like a Mouse that was seen by a cat

('FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck') you thought, you were panicked.

"Why do you seem so nervous? Is there something up? Y/N?" He asked

"Oh, I'm just nervous to be back y'know?"

"You sure? Because it seems like your-"

"YES! Fuck! I'm sorry I'm just nervous for my match- I gotta go warm-up." You spat

Quickly you ran off, and handed your son off to your good friend Darby. Since Willow was busy.

"Oh. Hey Darby, what're you doin'?" Hook asked

"Just Watching Y/N's Son-" Darby Said

"Y/N has a son? Wow... I thought she wouldn't have moved on that fast" Hook said

"Dumbass- it's your fucking son. You knocked her up before you left her. So she is a single mother of two." Kenny Omega spoke

"Wha- How-..." Hook looked shocked

After that revelation, he went off to find you. You'd just come back from your match and wanted to go get your son until Hook stopped you.

"Hey Y/N, I found out about Jayson and Arianna" He sighed

"How the fuck did you- why do you- The fuck?!" You spoke quickly.

"Kenny and Darby Told me what happened after our break up." He said

"So? What's the fucking point Tyler? You've probably got some girl waiting for you." You spat

"Actually no. I've stopped my whole streak of cheating, I feel awful that I left you before you could tell me..." He admitted

"Can I actually trust you..?" You asked

"Yes, Y/N I'm sorry.." He said

You both hugged and Hook gave you some time before the big dinner to think...

#aew #aew fanfiction #aew hook fic #hook aew #aew hook x reader #730 hook

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running-in-the-dark · 3 months

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just realised something random: I've always been kinda sad that there isn't any media that my parents liked and shared with me, that sort of thing. I know of things that they like, of course, but it was never something they showed me or anything.

and I just realised that's because it was never something nice, something fun, something they wanted to share - no, they only ever brought up things that they liked as a way to say that everything I liked was bad.

#like.... my dad loved musicals. but he only ever mentioned them when he was telling me how bad everything I like (and basically all modern #music really) is.#my mother likes whatever songs are played on the one radio station she likes #literally that's her taste in music. always has been.#but still everything I've ever liked is just awful.#especially movies and shows. I'd try to show her things I was watching when I was younger. I'd record episodes on VHS specifically to show #her when I'd visit her next.#and she never said a single nice thing about any of it #and then I *had to* watch movies that she liked with her because she'd say she was tired of watching all this stuff.#so it was never a good thing.#idk I just feel like that really sucks. first of all it's just mean as fuck. but also like. I'll never get to listen to a song and think 'aw #my dad loved that song!'. it's only ever 'he hated this one. said this one was terrible. hated this singer's voice.' etc #and my mother's shitty comments have ruined things that I used to love (can't watch corpse bride anymore because it was my favourite when I #was like 15 and I begged her to watch it with me and to this day she brings that up as an example of what a great mother she is - 'I watched #that HORRIBLE movie about the dead people with you and didn't complain about it once'#bitch you complained the whole damn time and you have been complaining about it for 17 YEARS NOW.#ugh shitty people shouldn't have children.

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solradguy · 8 months

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Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.

it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages

While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.

The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.

#asks #Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole)#I know exactly how these people function because I was there once...#When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do #Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care #All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did)#I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing?#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else #People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified #It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic #I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally #I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol #Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized #'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man'#It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly.#There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now #Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently #Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context #So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care

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k1rishiki · 3 months

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oh yeah. the reason why i decided to reread tbhk (and thus it was able to hit me like a truck this time around) was actually not bc of mitsukou going canon but actually bc i maybe accidentally started a tbhk book club w my kids at work and wanted to check the contents of it justttt in case before i put the books in their hands

#tl;dr i have this one 4th grade boy who's a total weeb and knows that i'm the only one in this town who's more into japanese media than him #so he pesters me abt it every time he sees me. and the thing abt this kid is that he gets bored easily and if he does he turns into a #complete menace. now a couple weeks ago. he shows up at the program w one piece volume one and spends the entire time he's there peacefully #reading and not causing any problems on purpose. my coworker owen (the one who climbed onto the roof) and i were shocked and in awe of how #peaceful he was being and came to the conclusion that he NEEDS to have a manga volume in his hands at all times. few minutes later.#he finishes reading and isn't bored yet so he decides to go talk to me abt manga. specifically he starts pestering me abt what shonen i've #read despite the fact that i am a shoujo reader and told him that. but he knows i've read kuroshitsuji bc he previously asked me abt what #the worst anime i've ever watched is and i will never not take an excuse to drag the adaptation. and he figures that if i've read kuro i've #probably read more. and so i mention tbhk and he asks more abt it bc of the name involving toilets and him being a 4th grade boy so i give #brief overview and he wants to read it. and i come up with a scheme to make him peaceful AND to give him something to talk to me abt which #isn't 'i know you've read more shonen manga' 'let me gacha on your phone' or 'i saw an ad for rent a gf. thought it was lame. and now want #you to tell me how it sucks bc i assume you know everything abt every animanga ever' (<does unfortunately know too much abt rent a gf bc i'#a bit of a nosy bastard and watched the mother's basement video). so i offered to bring it in bc i own physicals of the whole series and of #as previously mentioned. gave it a quick reread in advance just in case. and got hit by it. hard. i love you tbhk almost as much as i love #when ppl get into things through me. honestly i think getting to live vicariously through him might be one of the main reasons it got me #this time around and not as much the first time (still loved it the first time though). flash forward a little while. one of the 3rd grade #girls is like. really into reading. and also macabre things. like ghosts. and she has two books from the school library. and has had the #same two books from the school library for over a week. she reads quickly and finished them both in under a day and is now bored out of her #mind rereading them. she asks to read the books i've been letting the other kid read. now there are two of them #romeo.txt

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scarletcomet · 1 day

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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die

#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives #but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me #and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating #i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me #24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight #why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless #it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode #over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day #i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school #i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress #i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything #my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient #ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference #seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do #i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine #if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it #idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed #i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal #idk what to do

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itwoodbeprefect · 1 month

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i think the best genre of media, to me, is both extremely predictable and has people say deeply unhinged things to each other. bonus points if they're very queer deeply unhinged things

#i'm still trying to pick apart what makes certain gmmtv shows the best thing ever to me while superficially similar ones are just. awful #(so far the strongest common denominator is definitely directors. jojo and aof you legends)#but this description also works as catch-all for So Many other things i like. buddy cop shows cowboy movies romcoms #potentially everything i've ever written to some degree #forget maslow. it needs to be predictable! it needs to be unhinged! it should also be a little gay! that's how you build a pyramid #*

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dazais-guardian-angel · 1 month

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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

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kenobihater · 3 months

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the last remaining threads of my sanity are slipping through my fingers rn 🚬 😑

#i'm out of cigarettes i'm incredibly ill and i'm reconsidering my relationship to a certain fandom.#look i'm NOT saying i'm gonna stop the divorce proceedings but uh. fuck. i may have been re reading some of my older works and unfinished #fics and i MAY. i repeat MAY. have some tiny shred of interest posting about st*r w*rs again #motherfucker i'm SO hesitant to speak that into existence and will be absolutley APOPLECTIC if it happens bc i don't fucking WANNA like sw!#i divorced it! i took the kids (my ocs) & filed a restraining order & crossed state lines & broke all contact and yet! and fucking yet!!!!#i find myself in tags i havent visited in over two years on the archive like some beaten dog slinking back home to a shitty master #i honestly hate like. fucking ALL of the shit i've written from then that i reread and some of it was so bad i couldnt even bring myself to #click on it after reading the summary. like. UGH! i have a half baked fic idea i wrote a little for and i think it's more compelling than #any of the literal dogshit i posted back then so i MIGHT work on polishing that up and posting something that isn't actual garbage by my #current standards. all of this is still up in the air tho bc i dont know if the hyperfixation or even the bare minimum lvl of interest has #returned or if it's just fever induced delirium. i've been having INCREDIBLY fucked up bad horrible awful vivid dreams as of late so fever #induced brain fuckery isn't out of the question. sigh. i'm so mad abt this #even if i do regain some interest in the fandom i don't think i'll have any interest in new source material after the mando s2 finale &#tbo.bf sucking ass & the obi show being mid & everything with the ST. i plan on watching ando.r but after that? zero interest in anything #new from sw. so. if anyone still reading this and is getting excited abt me POSSIBLY MAYBE being interested in sw just know i still hate it #a bit and feel like i'm being dragged kicking and screaming back into this mess unwillingly. or it's due to a fever. god i need a smoke #len speaks #that's literally the longest tag rant i've ever gone on. fuck that's a BAD sign

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heirloommtomatoes · 2 years

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i think i’m gonna give birth control three months and then say byeee!! i miss myself! i miss myself so much!

#where did she goooo!#she's still here but i feel so. out of it and dissociated. i'm on autopilot and half focused #or i'm off the deep end and anxious and sad about everything for no reason and insecure and doubting myself #girl............this ain't it !!!!!!#it's just complicated cause like.#i've been resisting birth control for SEVEN YEARS!#because i've had awful awful awful experiences on it in high school trying every pill under the sun #and it's just never ever worth this :(#i wish it worked for me i really do. i reaaally do.#i REALLY do! gd that would be so nice.#but finally i caved because i just needed to do SOMETHING about my chronic illness.#i guess this finally means i can get surgery #doctors wouldn't clear me for a surgery consultation until i tried birth control after my firm insistence it wasn't an option for me.#and lo and behold i finally cave and try it.#and guess what! i was right about my own body! crazy how that works.#anyway. we'll see maybe it'll get better. but good god. this is........something else #ellie yodels

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eggmeralda · 20 days

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i'm lucky my obsession with remembering everything peaked from late 2013 - early 2016, bc the phone i had during that time hasn't been able to turn on for years and i'm still in denial about it

#the light doesn't even come on when i charge it #my sister had the same phone at the same time and her one turns on so it's definitely a my phone problem #i got it to turn on once a few years ago? idk when though. it was definitely like in my 20s so at least 4 years ago #or maybe i was 19. idek. 18 even? it was recent enough though #in fact no i really have vibes it was 2021. but it hasn't turned on since #and i swear to god if it ever gets confirmed i've lost everything on there i'm going to die #schrodinger's phone data i guess #but yeah so luckily i made such a big deal of remembering Everything in the first half of my teens bc that's the only time of my life i #can't access #i just wish i could read my notes from when i was 14 though #they were awful bc i was so cringe by default. bc i was 14.#but they were Historical #i remember when i read them a few years ago there was the bit when i was gonna see the who in december 2014 but then it got postponed #bc roger daltrey was ill and it was like 2 days before i was meant to see them and my life was depending on it bc i was already so depresse #and in my notes it was all like ''my mind has reached the absolute bottom my soul has become dark eternally'' or something like that #it wasn't worded like that it was probably like 70% more incoherent bc i basically spoke a different language at that age but still #it was SO good like 14yo what are you actually on about #after i die i'll be able to access it #along with swag and bitter's fully readable tflu blogs and every 60s episode of coronation street available to watch whenever i want #i mean when i die i'll be able to go back to the actual time and witness my 14yo self being Like That #so there's that to look forward to i guess #but anyway #does anyone know anything about an htc wildfire s btw #ramble

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running-in-the-dark · 3 months

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well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night

today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)

the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)

but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.

and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)

and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)

#it'd just be so fucking nice if I could just.. have a break #it's just been nonstop awful shit since my dad's cancer diagnosis in 🤔 2015. I'm sorry but that's too long. I can't do it anymore. I just #need some damn time to fucking calm down #like yeah any outsider would probably look at my life and think 'well you haven't actually DONE anything in like 6 years'#yeah that's true #but I've also been sick and/or in pain pretty much since 2018. and some of that was fixed last year when I had my gallbladder removed but i #is still not good. first of all that did not work out so well for me. but also everything else is still not right and no one cares and I #just don't have the energy to fight to get a diagnosis #I'm just so tired #I really thought I'd just. go to uni. get my degree in 3 years like expected. get a job. move out. have a normal life FINALLY for the first #time ever #and NONE of that fucking happened #EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. again and again and again #and I am just. so. tired. I can't. I can't do it.#it feels so fucking pathetic to be like 'my life is soooo hard everyone feel bad for me' when there is just. objectively not that much wron #but it just. never. stops.#I've never had a fucking moment to just. sit down. and think. and make decisions about my life. everything just. happens to me #I just. feel so lost and stuck and doomed and it won't fucking get better! it won't! my life got better ONE TIME and it has been pure hell #since then #like. no. it won't get better. this will keep happening over and over and over #I'll never have a choice. not really. I fucked up my life permanently when I dropped out of school at 18 and tbh I wish I would've just bee #brave enough to do what I really wanted then (killing myself)#because fuck. this is not worth it #literally everyone I love is either really fucking far away or just. fictional.#I have no close relationships with anyone irl #everyone I know irl is mean and kind of an asshole. and I'm too useless to meet new people.#I just. I don't want to survive anymore I want to live but I can't have that so. what's the goddamn point #its gonna be fine. because I'm a fucking coward so I'll never do it anyway. but I fucking wish I could

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voids-ideas · 2 months

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Ok I am going to do this simply because the first thing I will put here I NEED to do it and I have 0 motivation to do it even though it is EXTREMELY important

In fact, I think that's the reason why I don't want to do it... anyway

If this gets to 30 notes, I do that thing ✅️

50 notes, I call to ask if my doctor's appointment has been scheduled (I've been avoiding it for two weeks now) ✅️

100 notes, I go wash my shoes that have long needed washing and are just sitting there, existing, waiting for me to deign to wash them. ✅️

200 notes, I finish organizing my room (I organized it halfway and then left a bunch of things that still don't have a defined place) ✅️

500 notes, I use the things I have to bleach and color my hair. The only thing that has stopped me is the fear of doing it wrong or being too lazy to maintain it.

1k notes, I stop doing things that I know will trigger my chronic pain with the pure intention of confirming that the pain was indeed real (don't do this. 0 recommended) ✅️

5k notes, I try some new food without fear of wasting money by buying something I most likely won't like (my autism hates new foods) ✅️

10k notes, I wear my bi flag earrings in front of someone I wouldn't usually wear them with. I trust that they possibly wouldn't have a problem with me being bi, but I would never get up the courage to tell them anything ✔️ (I haven't, but that person was in my room next to where the earrings are. They were 0% hidden)

20k notes, wtf I have absolutely no idea. If it comes to this, ehhh... Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing here. Do I promise to be honest in therapy and stop telling them that everything is perfect even though nothing has ever been perfect? Yeah, that probably works. Please don't go this far, I don't know how to do this. Maybe I should... but... it would be awful to learn it

April 2024: I stop procrastinating editing this post with the things I've already done. I WANT THE HAIR SO MUCH BUT IT'S SO DIFFICULT

#Just my random stuff tag because I don't want to do any of this stuff #but i do want to do this stuff #fuck i really hate wanting to do things and at the same time wanting to simply... stop #fuck #jay and... jay what are you doing?

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