#but jfc how does this not make everyone else tired and depressed??? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bigskydreaming · 5 years

Text

I’m so mad, I’m so.....fuck. I feel like this doctor had no intention of ever doing this surgery because its like ever since I actually CAME UP with the money, its been one thing after another about why I need to do this still or that, and it feels like they kept stalling or trying to get me to give up, like....idk, nothing I come up with makes SENSE, all I know is they were perfectly fine and helpful in getting me a diagnosis and scans, and then sent me off after I did the final molds/impressions and said the only thing left was they couldn’t move forward until I paid x amount of money...and then I did, and all of a sudden its oh that’s not the right amount, I don’t know who quoted you that (umm you) but actually we need 20K up front because insurance claims can’t be submitted until after treatment and we might not be reimbursed (which again, then why did YOU make me wait to send my insurance preauthorization requests if your policy is to make patients pay in full upfront and wait for reimbursement which...what)...and THEN if there was STILL never a chance of me getting this surgery without paying in full upfront, why did they make me wait around for another week and a half while we waited on getting my insurance approve an access to care form that made this doctor in network (previously she was out of network for my insurance, but I had my insurance check for in network providers and there’s no one in network within a 100 miles of me who does this specific surgery)....like, if even being in network, they still weren’t going to take Blue Shield’s formal, written letter detailing what exactly was covered under my plan and they were intending to pay out....WHY WAIT FOR THIS FORM TO GO THROUGH AND GET THE LETTER BACK AT ALL????

It makes NO fucking sense. I feel like they never expected me to actually be able to come up with the money and idk what, like, she actually doesn’t know how to do the surgery or she doesn’t fucking doesn’t like me or want to or what like, lmfao I don’t even know, it MAKES NO SENSE.

But of course, its super obvious they were putting off calling me and hoping they could ride out the clock and I wouldn’t call today because I can tell the office manager doesn’t like being the go between and having to only give me bad news, but like, tough, that’s your fucking job, and maybe if you’d been a little less ‘gentle’ about it and just flat out admitted you guys were never gonna fucking do this surgery for me, I wouldn’t have WASTED an entire fucking month sitting on my ass, draining my account of money I can’t afford to waste, because my shitty jaw has progressed to the point where I can barely sleep, barely even eat because I have to manually fucking close it with my hand when I chew anything harder than rice, lmfao, and just....

God. The only thing I can think of to do now is try calling every other oral/maxillofacial surgeon in the county and see if they can do these procedures and accept my insurance. I know there’s no in network ones, and I already checked and my insurance can’t help me find a list of out of network ones, I have to basically just google every oral surgeon in LA and even though they’re all apparently out of network if they’re able to perform this surgery at all, I can at least probably get them in network by doing an access to care form again with them too, like since clearly this doctor turned out to not be a viable option? Idek man. Ugh. Jfc. And who knows how long this is gonna take. Ugh if they’d at least just fucking owned up to it and just called me this morning when they decided this still didn’t change shit, I could have had all day to be calling other offices instead of waiting for them to call and hoping this time at least they were aware enough of my DESPERATE FUCKING SENSE OF URGENCY BECAUSE HAVE I MENTIONED CONSTANT FUCKING OWWWWW AND ALSO HEY MY COMPLETE INABILITY TO FUNCTION IN ANY KIND OF MEASURABLY PRODUCTIVE WAY??? that they’d actually KEEP their word this time about calling when they said they’d call.

Now of course, none of these places are open on Saturday from the looks of it, so I won’t even be able to START calling around until Monday, and ugh. jfc. why. why the fuck did they string me along all fucking month if they knew at the end of it all no matter what, they weren’t gonna budge from trying to get me to pay 20K upfront, out of pocket, like I hadn’t told them from the START there was no way I could manage that, and hadn’t told them AGAIN when they TOOK my fucking money in the first place, when I paid them the $6,200 they INITIALLY told me would be my downpayment for this surgery, like I told them THEN that getting the loan for $10K in order to come up with the EXACT amount they specified took every bit of goodwill I could wring out of a lender with the credit I do have and there was ZERO chance of me coming up with ANYTHING more than that amount upfront....so why the fuck didn’t they tell me at least THEN when they ‘corrected’ me on the amount that it didn’t matter HOW MANY fucking hoops I jumped through with my insurance to try and get this doctor the reassurance or surety that they’d be reimbursed for x amount by Blue Shield...like....I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING ALL THIS A GODDAMN MONTH AGO. I’ve been waiting TWO YEARS for a fix to this shit that affects EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of my life, I FINALLY got a fucking diagnosis, a doctor who told me she could fix it, who said she could restore full function and wipe out the problems I have from it completely, no more headaches, no more pain, no more vertigo, no more nerve flareups....and now turns out I’ve wasted ANOTHER full month that got me not a single fucking step closer to this being DONE and FIXED and like.....

I’m so mad. And just. So frustrated. And SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Jfc. I hate them, I really fucking do, like they literally just fucking don’t give a shit no matter how many times I really fucking calmly and civilly lol tried to express how much it gets worse every single day like it has been CONSISTENTLY for the past two years, like never fucking plateauing, no matter HOW bad I think its gotten, it ALWAYS fucking manages to find a way to surprise me when I wake up the next day and yet AGAIN its somehow managed to shift so things are just enough different I NEVER get a chance to even get used to a ‘new normal’ and just fucking adjust to it, as shitty as it might be....ugh. God. I’m just.

LMFAO I honestly think right now I hate this doctor more than the fucking gay-bashers who caused this fucking drama by kicking me in the goddamn face over and over 15 fucking years ago and if THAT’S not hysterically fucked up I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

Anyway. So that’s my mood tonight, how’s everyone else doing? LOL.

This might be a longshot, but on the off chance that ANYONE knows or is friends with or related to an oral surgeon or oral maxillofacial surgeon in the greater LA area, like, this specifically is what I’ve been told I need to get done:

I need a Mandibular splint, a Total joint surgery on the left tmj (Temporomandibular joint) and an Orthognathic surgery. They specifically ruled out that I didn’t need a jaw replacement surgery because I have enough of the original bone that goes in that joint like, still there, so I didn’t actually need to get a prosthetic joint or the jaw replacement surgery which is apparently riskier and less effective anyway? Idek. If I can even trust anything they told me at this point, lmfao, but let’s just assume I can because not sure this fucker’s depression hour can handle thinking I might have to start back from square one NOPE NOT GONNA HAPPEN NOT THIS GUY I FUCKING REFUSE.

LOL as though my objections have any fucking effect on any of this anyway. BUT I DIGRESS. So yeah, that’s what I supposedly need done, I actually have really fucking good and expensive Blue Shield insurance that I’ve gouged myself a new asshole getting and keeping this year, not to mention needed donation posts and help with that just to still ultimately scrape by and not lose it, all specifically because I knew there was not a chance in hell I could ever afford the treatment I was being told I needed, like, out of pocket, and the irony is due to how expensive living out of a motel is and how like, I couldn’t afford to take any money AWAY from my many doctor visits in order to at any point this past year come up with enough money to put first and last month’s rent down on an apartment (and I look too much like a tweaker apparently, with constant twitches and fidgets and fixing my jaw, for like, anybody to want to just rent a room to me apparently, and even giving them the full story ended up seeming like “im too much drama” hahahaha oh LA I fucking HEART you sometimes), so there was never really any fucking alternative TO living out of motels currently, at least not until I can manage to stay upright on my feet long enough to get a part time job and use that to get a permanent address around here.....AND bottom line is in order to take in enough money from work and then ultimately from help with donations too, in order to keep my motels paid daily and not get kicked out and still manage to eat at least every other day....that was just enough money that it looks from my bank account that I make too much to need or justify Medicare taking on all this for me, ruling that out as an option, even though none of that money in my bank account was ever fucking LEFT by the end of each day after paying rent/food, and I usually only had like three bucks in my account by the time I went to bed each night....doesn’t fucking matter because lolol all they give a shit about is your MONTHLY statements. And I’m well past the point where I can even manage busing all the way around LA to downtown and shit in order to make the daily trips required to get Medicare offices to eventually give enough of a fuck to hear me out, like...a five minute bus ride to Best Buy today to buy a replacement keyboard for this laptop practically wiped me out ahahaha.

Anyway, I’m just venting and purging like I do. Don’t worry, I promise not to actually go supernova and ignite the atmosphere like I threatened earlier, that was all for show, we all know I’m WAY too petty and spiteful an asshole to ever settle for anything less than full fucking victory here and then like...eventual world domination because lol not like I’m letting those frathole rapist gaybasher fuck-offs WIN, like, have you MET me? I have survived this long on ire and spite, I will make it as far as I need to its, just...

*pathetic whines*

I dont fucking waaaaaaaaaaaaant to, I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, I wanna go to beeeeeeeeed.

Anyway, yeah. So if anyone like, is related to one of those surgical types or KNOWS someone who is, like, my good fucking insurance is set up to pay for having the operation done at Cedars fucking Sinai no matter who does it, like, as long as the doctor has any kind of pre-existing relationship with them, enough to get them to book an OR for them, I guess? I still dont fucking know how all this works, apparently Grey’s Anatomy is not an accurate source, who knew, how dare.

Like but yeah, the endpoint of that particular stream of consciousness vomit was if anyone knows ANYONE who knows ANYTHING about ANY of that surgical medicalese blah blah blah that I posted, like...my anons are open, feel free to pop in with a name and number or suggestion or referral or whatever the fuck, I will take ANY connection no matter how flimsy if it exists at all, I don’t care if its your second grade teacher’s dog’s veterinarians second cousin by marriage’s roommate. That’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

10 notes · View notes

cinnbar-bun · 5 years

Note

WILDCARD: Mysmes as gbf units (what element, what weapon they'd use, what race they'd be and so on)

*rubs hands together* I was MADE for this

Zen: Light element- I’m kinda gonna base this on his outfit for when he played Zorro. He’d be kind of mysterious but over-dramatic- he’d introduce himself as an aspiring actor, flirt with Danchou for a bit and be all ‘hehe obviously the god’s regret making me this handsome’. He has a rapier on his side and Vyrn roasts him literally every second like ‘yo dodo bird do you even fight bro????’ and Zen gets SO offended. His fate episode has him basically chatting your ear off and you’re like ‘why is he even in my crew-he’s as chaotic as Aoidos???’ But as you level him up he is the sweetest thing ever and his v-day+ white day cutscenes would be the absolute cutest things ever!!! He’d be so suave you’d have a heart attack!!

Rarity: I’d go off on a limb here and say maybe r or Sr, since he’s the “easy” route, he’d prolly be one of the easiest to get. I’d also say he’d be a fan favorite real quick, so he gets an sr summer skin and sr event character, maybe an outfit or two as well.

Skills: Based on his personality, I think he’d be one that can charm enemies with a cheesy skill name like ‘dazzling skin’ or ‘blinding smile’. Also based on his rather hot-headed personality, he’d prolly be someone with ‘hostility-up’. I’d even say when you get him to level 45 and earn his last skill, he’d have a skill that heals or takes hits for you, the MC.

Weapon: Rapier, as said before. I think he’d call it ‘Zorro’ or something else that’s entirely stupid. When you summon his weapon, it’d be called ‘radiant rapier’.

Yoosung- Wind element. He’s an absolute cutie and would prolly be a hermit in the forest chatting it up with his animal buddies and you gotta drag his butt outside while he screams about the sun. His whole character arc is him getting utterly ROASTED by Vyrn and literally everyone because of how much of a NEET he is. Lyria and Danchou try to reintegrate him into society and trust people more. He starts off as ‘happy’ in his fate episode, gets melancholic in his skill episode, then becomes truly happy in a cross episode with another character.

Rarity: Sr. Unfortunately he’s not as popular as most, so he probably gets an event unit at most besides his original. I think he’d eventually be recognized as being a great character and may get a summon stone though.

Skills: I think he’d be a healer/buffer to the crew. So he’d be healing with a skill called “Superman Yoosung to the rescue!!” and then a buff for wind characters like “NERF THIS WIND LOLOL!!!” And then his last skill will be a really sentimental one like “I’ve become stronger now” and it places a defense shield on him and ally.

Weapon: Staff. He’s a healer, but his sprite has like a bird and deer somewhere. If you were to summon him, it’d be called “Staff of Life”.

Jaehee- Is a tired woman who you bump into because she’s busy trying to deal with Jumin’s shit. She apologizes quickly and Lyria is like “OMG BUT WE NEED TO HELP HER!!!!’ So her whole character arc is you helping her she should achieve her dreams and then suddenly she’s like ‘yeah LEMME QUIT AND START A CAFE!!!’ She becomes great friends with Sandalphon becuase they both bleed coffee and are done with everyone, but have a soft spot for the captain, and have massive crushes on their white haired besties (i mean whaaaaat).

Rarity: Sr. She gets an original, but a second sr version where she has finally achieved her dream. It’s a really cute closure to her character, and Jumin doesn’t act so OOC to fill a quota lol.

Skills: She’d be debuffer/ buffer extraordinaire. Cooldown times shorten, atk goes up, and she has a stackable skill ‘The faster you finish, the faster you can leave!!’ in which her hostility and atk goes up, her def goes down, and she HITS HARD!!!

Weapon: stack of papers Idk tbh, maybe a tome, but it’s referred to as a staff (call it a gd book jfc Cygames lol). She’d probably earth element and WILL BREAK THE EARTH IN HALF!!!!

Jumin- The rich, stoic prince of a kingdom you end up meeting on accident. He only joins you because you found Elizabeth the 3rd and he was very grateful. So imagine Percival on steroids and that’s Jumin as a GBF character. He’s quick to call bullshit, but every time Vyrn or Zen roasts him it flies over his head/he roasts them back a thousand times harder. His arc is him learning to trust his FEEELINSS!! Also becomes close with Dante and they both philosophically discuss cats like they’re their gods. His V-day and White Day cutscenes will be the EXACT SAME AS SIEGFRIED!! HE’S AWFUL ON V DAY BUT ON WHITE DAY HE’LL BE COMPLIMENTING YOU AND BEING HAWT BUT THEN HE’S LIKE ‘I RESPECT YOU’. DUMB IDIOT STILL DOESN’T KNOW FEELINGS!!

Rarity: SSR. He’s quickly become a fan favorite and has two ssr versions, his original and maybe a halloween/ christmas version, and then an anniversary skin where he’s wearing a dashing tux and it will say on the description, ‘Can you keep up with me’ or something safdsjgnfljsnjkn I’m dying CYGAMES MM COLLAB WHENST????

Skills: He’s a dark debuffer/ defensive character. He can hit hard but he is more focused on longer battles where survivability is more necessary than him nuking. He’d have a def down for enemies and it’s called ‘I get checks’ and a def up for all allies called ‘Ahh- to be with Elizabeth the 3rd again’

Weapon: A beautiful sword/ lance that is very pristine and glorious. It’s gonna have a diamond on it somewhere and it’s gonna be a reference to how his father gave him that pen.

Also!!! He gets a cross-fate episode with Zen where they both roast each other before actually talking out their feelings and working it out. I can also imagine an episode where he delves more into his distrust of women and why he focuses on his Elizabeth so much.

707- He’s so god damn chaotic you wonder WHY THE HELL IS HE EVEN ALLOWED??? Okay so you end up meeting him when Rackam is trying to fix the Grandcypher and homeboy shows up, suggests some ideas and him and Rackam go nutso over ships (this version of cars). He has a lot of inside jokes and is very memeable for a GBF character, becoming a notorious part of the April Fools event. His fate episodes start off happy before becoming depressing and you’re like wow why don’t you just run me over with a boat huh???

Rarity: SSR. Super popular and has like…five variants lol. I say he’d be a fire nuker all the time except for one ssr variant, in which it’s a dark version where it was a ‘what if he fell into despair?1!!!!???’ Super depressing story holy cow. He’s got an event sr in there, it’s pretty good. He’s prolly also got a summer, Christmas, or Halloween variant somewhere there. Of course, because of his popularity, he gets skin or two as well.

Weapon: I imagine him using a fire gun. Like imagine a better Rackam. It’d be called something like, “hacker’s resolve”.

Skills: Fire nuker. He’s horrible for long distance fights, but he focuses a lot on enmity, hype, and hostility up fights where he needs to hit hard and fast. For sure has a skill called, ‘I’m in’, and “Defender of Justice-707!!’ and after you complete the heart-wrenching skill ep. he gets his final skill called, “god forgive me”. It’s so depressing T-T

Also!! Has a cross-fate with both Yoosung and Unknown where they focus on family and growing past their own background.

Unknown- A very scary dude when you first meet him, who tries to kill you on sight. Lyria…does something and he’s like, ‘I need to get revenge so I’ll stick with you if you let me kill people’. His episodes start off VERY dark and disturbing, but gradually get happier as he becomes more acquainted with the MC. I’d say he’s basically like Azazel where he’s so tsundere about everything and you’re ‘okay brooooo’. His valentines day cutscenes would be absolutely hilarious as he’s like ‘ew why would I take anything you make’ to ‘i dreamt of eating your chocolate again’. His white day scenes would be SOOOOOO worth it tho, he gets you a bouquet of flowers with special meaning and is blushing and tells you to take it before he freaks out.

Rarity: Originally a water sr, but then got a wind SSR version that represents him growing and becoming ‘Saeran’ again. It’s a super amazing growth that makes everyone weep when they!! see!! the!! baby!! smile!! He prolly has a Halloween version where he dresses as the phantom again.

Weapon: Firearms. Tons of guns and explosions.

Skills: He’s an attacker/debuffer. He can hit hard like his brother but can ACTUALLY TAKE A HIT AND NOT DIE!!! I can imagine he’d have a self heal skill called ‘mint eye elixir’ where he drinks a potion and heals, but if you do it too much he eventually can be knocked out or raise his atk a lot but get killed by getting slapped too hard. He’d have tons of debuffs where he blinds and confuses foes, and his last skill would be called ‘unraveled chains’ where he boosts his atk and def. His SSR version would be a lot different and more focused on buffing everyone up, and he’s so good at it. They’re mostly related to flowers and how he’s grown and changed as a person, and how he finally reached happiness.

V- He is a blind wizard. That’s it. That’s literally how you meet him you go ‘lol there’s no such thing as a-’ and V saves your ass from getting run over by a cart or something. You beg him to join and he’s like ‘well of course I’ll help you wonderful children!!!’ His v-day and white day scenes are absolutely heartbreaking yet so emotional because he talks about his past with Rika yet says how he can finally ‘see’ the light since joining you. His story IS SAD!! SAD!! SAD BOI HOURS AT ALL TIMES!!! A BLIND MAN IS CRYING OVER HOW HIS SINS WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WASHED AWAY AND HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GET A SECOND CHANCE AND!!! SO SAD!!

Rarity: Water SSR plus a dark sr from an event where he’s in his mint eye clothes. Gets a Halloween skin where he’s dressed as a detective trying to find his happiness and will to live.

Skills: Self-sacrificing skills that buff everyone up. It’s so sad because he’s so good at buffing everyone and making everyone a tank but you just… dude you wanna talk about it?? Do you want a healer omg man, I’m so sorry.

Weapon: Blind wizard. He uses a staff, which doubles as his walking staff.

#long post #mystic messenger #gbf

10 notes · View notes

troglobite · 4 years

Text

a collection of things that confuse me that i should probably talk to my therapist about:

- you don’t have to love yourself to be loved by someone else

- your partner is not obligated to fix you or help you with your bullshit

- helping each other is not a tit for tat, not something you owe someone, it’s not in exchange for anything (for help)

- relationships should be reciprocal and helpful to each person

- you can grow in a relationship, with the person’s help

- you can be Not Ready for a relationship bc you have to work on yourself first

this all conflicts in my head leaving me utterly confused, alone, desperate, and pathetic

i want to be in a relationship

but it’s to “fix problems”

i mostly just want to be close with someone and have someone who, when i put in work for our relationship, also puts in the work

i want to feel loved and cared for and love and care for them not bc they love and care for me, but bc they’re them and i care abt them--and for that to be the same in return for me

i want a partner to help me work through stuff--but they won’t be a therapist, and i will still put in work

but i told my therapist today

i’m just so fucking tired. i’m pissed bc OTHER PEOPLE ruined my life and made me like this, and now it’s MY responsibility to fix it bc now I’M hurting people AND myself. or idk if i’m hurting people literally i spend every waking moment trying to NOT do that.

but now everything i was traumatized into ruins things for me NOW

and normally i would be okay just trying to work through that

but i’m alone in a new city in a grad program and my regular friends seem to just not give a single shit about me, and i have an absolute GARBAGE time advocating for myself bc i inherently do not believe i deserve it

and i was talking w my therapist today and i just said

no one needs to do the work FOR me. but jfc i want some HELP. why does it have to be ALL ON ME? i already do SO MUCH WORK. making sure everyone else is happy and okay and removing myself when i’m an inconvenience and paying so much attention to how i talk and act so people don’t treat me like shit and so that i don’t hurt other people, and dealing with being autistic and anxious, and having to learn to live by myself when all i feel is depression consuming me

like that’s SO MUCH WORK

and now i have to do MORE WORK? BY MYSELF? TO FIX THAT?

fuck that i want HELP.

i will do it but fucking HELP ME.

you don’t have to give me all the answers while i sit there

but jfc explain the concept to me

give me some examples

give me the set-up/prompt so i can figure out the answer

like i realized that--bc people never want me to talk abt myself, never give me the chance, that when they do, i say EVERYTHING in a small/huge rush so i can get it all out, so nobody asks me follow up questions or takes that as a starting point for a conversation

and it’s like

NOW I HAVE TO MONITOR THAT TOO? like talking to people is ALREADY SO HARD.

WOULD IT KILL ANYONE TO JUST ENGAGE W ME IN CONVERSATION?!

like WHY can’t i have SOMEONE just ask me questions anyway? why is that so hard?

why do i have to fix my entire self to get normal relationships with people?

honestly what it feels like is that whole thing they studied. where autistic kids forced to act ‘normal’ are more traumatized and anxious and ostracized than then NT kids are taught how to interact w autistic kids and vice versa and they find a good middle ground and learn to work together

why do i have to force myself to Be Better in order to GET better? does that make sense? like i have to fix and sublimate all my issues even if they’re not resolved, just so i can get people around me to help me fix them,

and i don’t want to be bitter and angry about it

but that’s all i can feel

and i’m just. watching this show where these two guys are clearly head over heels for each other, and only one really realizes it and goes out of his way to protect the other, and just. something abt queer media like that really hits me and just makes me yearn so hard for SOMETHING.

i don’t need somebody to be Everything for me. i’m interested in polyamory (partly bc i don’t see myself as ever being Enough for anyone in a romantic relationship--not as Their One Person, just in a romantic [particularly sexual] relationship bc of all my fucking issues--but also partly) bc like, relationship anarchy is cool and chill and ppl are important, but i just.

a romantic partner is someone who would, by nature, hopefully, mean that both of us would work w each other on hard stuff. that i would have someone there for me--and i there for them--to get better at communicating, to work through my shit in practice, but not put all of that on them. just support. a wholeass person on their own whom i would care abt and support to. a team. choosing to work together. to help me think things through--bc your therapist is never there, but your partner can be, and their perspective can be helpful.

but i also just. know i’m inherently unattractive and unappealing in every sense of the word. so i just. get stuck wanting something i can never have.

and i’d be fine w that if my friends were ever collectively that for me. and they just. aren’t. and i dont’ want to force them to be bc what kind of bullshit is that?

saying ‘i feel like you guys don’t ask me about my life. i feel like i’m only here to provide things for you guys. i feel like there are a lot of things you secretly don’t like about me, and instead of talking abt them, they come out in different ways.’

that’s bullshit.

anyway i’m taking a break from shitty fucking homework translating more garbage from old english and regretting everything in my life and resisting the urge to just keep watching the goddamn show on netflix or finishing shera or something

it’s basically midnight and i’ve done nothing today, time feels fake, idk what i’m doing just at all idk why i’m here and i just want to go fucking HOME

0 notes

emeraldembers · 7 years

Text

Looloo’s Horror Rec List!

Tagging @eatingcroutons, @monstermonstre as requested <3.

SO. I apologise for how long this list took, but as it turns out, I have watched a slightly silly number of horror movies, and with it being such a varied genre, I didn’t want to accidentally rec a bunch of things people would end up hating or spoil the heck out of them during the reccing process, so. But it’s finished now, and I intend to try and keep it up to date as time goes by and I encounter more horror flicks worth watching. I’m also going to stick a little italicised bit after any movies I remember having potentially squicky/triggery stuff in for people who are okay with horror but not That Kind Of Horror.

Behind a cut because this is Quite A Lot Of Movies My Dudes.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing because they actually scared me:

* Alien

Yo, it’s a classic for a reason, and if I’m doing a rec list of horror movies, I’m determined to address all the movies I’d rec, regardless of the likelihood of everyone having seen it already. Fantastic characters who behave believably, the cold cruelty of both monsters and capitalism, slow builds that pay off, it’s just - it’s so dang good, from start to finish, and all the spoofs and parodies and homages in the world will never fully diminish its success as a genuinely scary movie. CW: Soooooo much imagery suggesting sexual violence.

* The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Brian Cox is a frigging awesome actor, and he and Emile Hirsch absolutely and 100% sell you on the affectionate but strained relationship between father and son in this brilliant little flick that makes you root for the leads so hard. It’s claustrophobic and creepy and made by how the leads actually use common sense for the majority of the movie, and while I will admit the ending wasn’t my favourite, that by no means spoiled the film for me. CW: Animal death, references to human trafficking and sexual violence.

* Hereditary

Oh man. This film is absolutely brutal emotionally, one of the most intense (and imho, accurate) depictions of the pain of mourning I’ve ever seen on screen, and the horror happening around all this pain is just... torture. It’s almost unbearable to watch, but I can’t deny how incredibly well-acted it is, or how frightening it is. For quite a few people the ending doesn’t stick - people feel it over-explains itself - but I personally felt it worked. CW: graphic child death, graphic animal death.

* Jacob’s Ladder

This is such a weird and wonderful creation and I am so, so happy that I found it during the height of my Silent Hill fangirling days. It’s like watching a dream - sometimes quiet and comforting, sometimes loud and terrifying, and the movie just has this magnificent atmosphere of paranoia. It’s unlike any other horror movie I’ve seen in terms of it successfully pulling off the nightmare effect (controversial but true, I’m not a fan of Suspiria, though I appreciate several of the works it inspired). CW: Some imagery suggesting sexual violence.

* Kill List

Please, pretty please watch this without spoilers if you can. The less you know about it going in, the better. It’s a slow build, with the first half of the film playing out more or less like a kitchen sink drama with occasional bursts of explicit violence, but the payoff is worth it imho. CW: Mentions of paedophilia, violence against children.

* The Orphanage

This Spanish language flick is tragic, beautiful, and absolutely bloody terrifying on a first watch. It’s the only film that’s ever made me scream in fright, and is without a doubt the scariest movie I have watched to date: CW: Jaw trauma, child deaths.

* The Thing (1982)

God, I cannot describe how much I loved finally sitting down and watching this movie and realising that for all that I had seen the majority of the transformation and body horror sequences in it, it was still scary. Thanks to the sense of paranoia, and how many times you’re left waiting for something to happen, knowing something is about to happen, on a first watch it’s got some truly chilling moments and it deserves its status as a known classic.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing because they may not have scared me but they sure left a lingering something behind:

* Kairo (also known as Pulse)

Pretend there was never a remake because jfc the ball on that one got dropped harder than Vin Diesel’s voice during puberty. Kairo is utterly and completely bleak and depressing but the bleak and depressing nature of it is what makes the horror in it work. Watching the world in Kairo go quieter and emptier over time is distressing in the strangest of ways, and - fun fact - this film gave me one of the weirdest fears of all time, because now I have nightmares about windows and doors surrounded by red tape. As you do. CW: Suicide depicted explicitly and frequently.

* Lake Mungo

This flick and the Marble Hornets series on youtube are the only things I’ve seen using the found footage format that I felt really got its potential. Plenty of movies have had fun with it, and I’m grateful to The Blair Witch Project for popularising it, but a lot of the time it feels like long periods of nothing then suddenly All Of The Things. This one is a lot subtler about building an increasing sense of dread, and handling the subject matter in a way that feels very, very real for once. It’s fab.

* Let the Right One In

The English language remake, Let Me In, is apparently pretty good? But I haven’t seen it, so I’m going off the original here. And it’s a flaming beautiful film. It’s discomforting and its balance of achingly sweet and tender moments with brutally violent moments is perfect. There’s a bleakness to it that might put some people off, but it’s just gorgeous in my eyes, and I’m very, very fond. CW: Strongly implied paedophilia.

* The Mist

This is a perfect example of how you don’t necessarily have to have the best CGI if you have a great cast. I could never watch it again because it left me so shaken and upset at the end, but some of the imagery in it is just astonishingly haunting, like the best entries of SCP brought to life, and I have to commend it for being one of the classiest adaptations of Stephen King’s work to date. CW: Assisted suicides.

* Session 9

This is a bit of a weird one to put down on a rec list because I personally didn’t enjoy it, but I can’t say that it didn’t leave a lasting impression. There’s a sense of discomfort and wrongness that permeates the film, and it leaves a sort of... almost a slimy coating of creepiness all over you by the time it’s finished. CW: ~Creepy mental hospital~ setting, ableism ahoy.

* The Vvitch

I will admit that in retrospect, I do think this is a little overrated, but only a little, aaaaaand also I may as well admit that there is something about Kate Dickie’s acting that I hate. I have nothing against her as a person! I just don’t personally think she’s a good actress. That being said, everyone else in this movie, especially the children, did a brilliant job. It’s an uneasy watch from the start and only gets more uneasy as it goes on, and I love how straight it played its central concept. What elevates it for me in particular though is the ending, which I openly admit I did not see coming, and was delighted with. CW: Child deaths, strongly implied paedophilia.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing because they were just dang good and didn’t fit into the above categories:

* 28 Days Later

Not to be crude but I wish I could turn this film into body butter just so I could smear it all over me. Flawless cast, an adrenaline rush of a movie that I could watch a hundred times and never tire of, and the climax of the movie is straight up one of my favourite endings ever for its heart in throat intensity. CW: Suicides, threats of sexual violence.

* The Babadook

All Netflix categorisation jokes aside, I genuinely adored this movie. The leads are so well acted and I love their characterisation; it also has one of the best depictions of mental illness in childhood I’ve ever seen (second only to the little girl in Don't Be Afraid of the Dark 2010, whose portrayal of childhood depression resonated with me so strongly I couldn’t finish watching the movie). Also, for frigging once, the portrayal of mental illness is sympathetic, and people suffering from it get shown at their best, not just their worst.

* Coraline

To be honest, a lot of children’s movies are more successful at getting a reaction out of me than “grown-up” movies - All Dogs Go To Heaven’s hell sequence still unsettles me to this day - and Coraline is one of the rarities that plays out almost entirely as straight horror from start to finish. As per all things Laika it’s gorgeously animated, and the progression from eerie to nightmarish as the movie progresses is fantastic. CW: References to children’s deaths.

* Dog Soldiers, Ginger Snaps

It might seem an odd choice to pair these two up, but I couldn’t rec one without the other because to me they’re two sides of the same coin - violent werewolf movies with a wicked sense of humour, one focused on the relationships between men, the other on the relationships between women - and because of both the tone and the subject matter, I think Ginger Snaps makes a better pairing with Dog Soldiers than The Descent.

* Get Out

There’s very little I can say about this film that hasn’t been said already; it’s a film that uses humour like a knife, it’s a masterpiece in building discomfort and tension, and every single actor in it is top notch. It’s impossible not to root for the main character, and if you’re not cheering him on at the end, you may want to get your pulse checked.

* IT (2017)

Now this definitely terrified some of the people I saw this in the cinema with - one man peed himself, a woman fled the viewing, and I overheard people talking about smelling poop in the back of the cinema - but for me it wasn’t particularly scary. What it was, however, was moving, and funny, and had fantastic acting from all of the children involved. I was cheering the kids on constantly, and you could really believe their fear of Pennywise. I loved this so, so much. CW: Child deaths including on screen violence against children, depiction of bullying, heavily implied sexual abuse via parent/child incest.

* Pitch Black

It was a toss-up for a while whether putting this on here would be miscategorising it - is it more of a sci-fi action flick, or a sci-fi survival horror? - but based on the majority of the characters not being Riddick I’m going for survival horror. This is the perfect execution of a simple, brilliant concept, and it’s a delight. Plus, it has sympathetic Muslims in space, and I can’t ignore an excuse to cheer for that.

* [Rec]

This is another movie where I’ve heard good things about the English language adaptation but have only watched the original, and oh man, it’s fun. It’s not a film I consider particularly scary, but it has my hands down favourite protagonists of any found footage horror movie, and I love that the constant use of cameras makes sense in this one because it does start out as a documentary gone wrong. Also, the ending is a classic <3.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing but fully acknowledge their flaws:

* Candyman

Tony Todd is the man, dude, and it wouldn’t be right to make a horror movie rec list without having an absolute classic of his up on it. It’s wonderfully dreamy, packed full of that lovely late 80s/early 90s washed out aesthetic, and has one of the handsomest movie villains out there.

* The Crazies (2010)

Virus outbreak movies are a dime a dozen, but for all that there’s little new here, it’s still one of the better ones, helped by a good cast playing the core group of survivors. Worth seeing if you’re a Timothy Olyphant and/or Radha Mitchell fan, and I love them both to bits, so.

* Event Horizon

A cult favourite with a ridiculously awesome cast (Sean Pertwee? Jason Isaacs? Laurence Fishburne? And more?), this does go over the top at points, but it is such a fun ride. You can see where games like Dead Space drew their inspiration from; it’s visually stunning, and the main characters are frequently (alas, not always) sensible. Also, regarding who dies/doesn’t die, if you haven’t seen it before, I think you’ll be quite pleasantly surprised? I know I was. CW: Explicit depiction of suicide, brief but explicit glimpses of sexual violence, references to child death.

* The Girl With All the Gifts

If you haven’t played or watched someone play The Last Of Us, this is well worth a watch. With the rise of zombies in recent media, no pun intended, it was inevitable there would also be a rise in how many showed the results of a zombie cure, or of intelligence in zombies. Cordyceps based zombies are rarer in media, and The Last Of Us used them brilliantly, but this is a good, solid film, bleak in some ways but hopeful in others, and I loved it. Also, Gemma Arterton is in it (as is Glenn Close, who is fab as always) and there are very few things I would not do for that woman.

* Grave Encounters

This isn’t a particularly good movie, but it is so much fun to play “spot the gif” with; there’s hardly a scene in it, once the ghostly shenanigans kick off, that hasn’t been put into gif format for use alongside creepypastas and the like all over the net. Girl turning around and face melting into blackness? Masses of hands pushing out through a wall suddenly? It’s just fun to spot them. Not to mention that, once in a while, it is fun to see a movie where the main characters are unironically Those White People In A Horror Movie and as such deserve pretty much everything that happens to them. CW: Ableism, ~scary mental hospital~ trope.

* Let Us Prey

This is a flawed film that could have been a great movie if it had been handled with a subtler touch. Some flashback sequences in it are more gratuitous than they need to be, and the end villain is just bizarrely over the top, but overall I love that it’s almost like a British-Irish take on Silent Hill? Liam Cunningham and Pollyanna McIntosh in particular, as the leads, are wonderful in it and bring a touch of class to something that could otherwise have just been a straight up hot mess. CW: References to child death, references to and flashbacks to sexual violence. Also, going to throw homophobia on here, because god knows I’m tired of the Evil Predatory Gay trope.

* Mandy

Placing this one anywhere on the list feels strange because it’s... this odd mixture of extremely beautiful and dreamlike, but also cult-classic over the top to the point of clearly being deliberately funny about it in places. I don’t quite know how it leaves me feeling on the whole, but I do know I absolutely love it. CW: Description of animal death, drugging, sexual harrassment.

* Silent Hill

This isn’t by any means a good movie, but I’d be lying through my teeth if I claimed it wasn’t one of my favourites regardless. It’s just ridiculously pretty, the music (courtesy of Akira Yamaoka being a genius) is amazing, and I will ship Cybil and Rose to the end of my days. Also, Pyramid Head, guys. Pyramid Head.

* Switchblade Romance (also known as Haute Tension or High Tension)

This French language flick is one of my favourite guilty pleasures. Most extreme horror bores me or leaves me cold, but there was something about this one I enjoyed despite it having plot holes you could drive a truck through; the lead actresses are fantastic, and it has some of my favourite uses of music in a modern horror movie. Please be warned though, this one has some very violent sequences, even in the cut version. CW: Child death, home invasion, continuous threat of sexual violence.

* We Are What We Are

This was a very unevenly paced movie, slow in parts and then jarringly fast in others, and some of the exposition felt clunky, but it’s overall a beautifully made movie and I was so drawn to the love between the siblings in this. I really felt like they were a real family, and was rooting for them so hard. CW: Cannibalism, threat of violence against children.

* The Wicker Man (1973, unless you want to watch the remake for so-bad-it’s-funny shenanigans. I won’t judge)

This is up there with Alien in terms of “even if you haven’t watched this movie, you have watched this movie” courtesy of pop culture referencing it every which way but loose, but it’s so worth a watch. I can’t recommend a particular cut because I’ve seen so many I wouldn’t know where to begin! It’s also kind of fun to enjoy it as a musical in its own way - there are so many songs in it that it’s hard not to sing along after a few viewings - and for all that the ending isn’t a shocker these days, it’s still so much fun to watch.

- - -

And a horror-comedy rec list to wrap things up:

* He Never Died

This is a great example of how you can do great things with a threadbare budget if you have a good idea and the confidence to commit to a concept. It is so, so funny, its humour sometimes dry, sometimes black as tar, and I just adored the main character’s absolute exhaustion with the world. I’m trying to sell this one without spoilers, because it’s another one where going in with as little info as possible is a good idea <3.

* Shaun of the Dead

It’s pretty much just the best ode to zombie movies and their inherent silliness that exists, and Simon Pegg is an adorable mess in it.

* Trick R Treat

My favourite horror anthology film by miles. It’s just fun. Aaaaaand the werewolf girls are hot af, soooooo. This also lets Brian Cox join Laurie Holden and Radha Mitchell on the list of people who managed to show up more than once in recced movies!

* Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

Aside from a few tonal missteps - references to sexual violence in the middle of a horror comedy, even if those references weren’t there as a joke, aren’t ever going to sit well - this film is hilarious, and frequently adorable too. Not to mention, it’s always nice to see a big guy get to be a hero.

- - -

Movies I need to update this list with:

The Lighthouse. CW: Explicit animal death, eye trauma.

Us. CW: Description of animal death, child deaths and self-mutilation.

The Endless. CW: Graphic suicide.

Midsommar. CW: Graphic suicide.

#movies #horror #i'm gonna bookmark this for later #in case i think of anything else #or see anything new that belongs on here

38 notes · View notes

bishiglomper · 6 years

Text

So since I'm just laying here in bed making myself ill with anxiety I thought I'd record my thoughts on some of the crap that is crossing my mind. Bear in mind I'm really not very eloquent. Also I don't consider myself smart enough to really carry on this sort of debate so this is just my stupid rambling.

I was just thinking about what was wrong with the world and how maybe we could make it better.

Like school.

Wtf does school do for us past, what, 5th grade? After we learn our basic readin', writin' and 'rithmatic, wtf good does it do us? Because it ain't life skills.

We're still stuck in a program designed for child labor and we put up with the stress of school only to leave it totally unprepared for the actual world. Even college where you study for certain fields. The studying is brutal and there's no promises you'll even be putting those hard earned degrees to use..

The generations are just putting out more stressed and depressed kids who can hardly function.

I mean, of course it would help if the rich white bastards running this country would quit being so greedy and actually give a shit about us, but I digress.

I think our education system needs to be rebooted from scratch.

We've got preschool and kindergarten right? That should be for making friends and learning about colors and shit. Playing games. Lots of recess. Learning to tie shoes. Work on those developing motor skills. Manners.

It should also be teaching kids to ask questions, to pique their little minds and get them interested in the world. Have mandatory water/sand tables. Puzzles. Kiddie science and art and crafts that start them on the path of "How's this work?" which in turn could teach them life lessons like what happens if you're mean or rude vs being polite and friendly because results would differ.

also the structure would change. Like time spent at a desk would only be for crafts or something because kids should be up and moving around. Say you had story time. You'd do that for 20 minutes on the floor and then 10 minutes to get wiggles out and then you could sit them down and have their focus again. where you could demonstrate and then send them on their way to a certain activity.

And all that would spill into elementary but maybe a little more refined. They would be at desks but up to 5th grade they should have 2 recesses with a couple of 15 minute breaks between classes/lessons. Maybe a "get up and exercise" break in the morning and a "quiet/reading" time in the afternoon. And I just mean if they still fill up 7 hours of school. Which they could cut down by a couple of hours I'm sure.

And middle school is where kids should start on more complicated life skills. Starting more sophisticated book reports and proper grammar, more math and the like.

Science around then covers things like photosynthesis and such right? That's all good still, but if they're going to be teaching the different types of rock, at least teach us why we would need to know this shit. Even if it's as simple as "this is weak, this is stronger, this is where THAT comes from and these are the uses for it". I mean all this shit is for is to test our memory and wtf else.

I think humans are prewired to WANT to learn, but the never-ending droning system sucks all the joy out of it while we're forced to sit still and absorb all that boring stuff, not even bothering to question why at this point.

And history. I think by the time you reach high school you could fit in all the basics between the wars and general stories of the more prominent figures in history.

But high school is what needs to change the most. Because the second we leave high school we're expected to have the skills we need to survive in the world.

Do they teach is how to get a job? No. Do they teach us how to care for ourselves? No. But we leave knowing that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

First of all they need to bring back home economics. Where kids could learn how to cook a simple meal. Learn why you need to suck it up and eat a vegetable and how to boil an egg. Learn how and when to plant things. Learn how to fix a button or a ripped seam. Learn how to store and use household chemicals because there's a shitton of things that if mix with bleach, you're dead.

We had a health class but aside from learning how to label our organs in detail and how arteries work, there was no teaching us how to care for our health.

ALSO MENTAL👏 FUCKING👏 HEALTH👏 SHOULD👏 BE👏 IN👏 THE👏 CURRICULUM👏

We should be taught healthy coping skills! If mental health were mandatory, people would be made aware of things like depression and maybe be able to recognise and get help. At the very least it could be brought up amongst peers without so much stigma and maybe even cut down bullying in the process.

Because the second a mental health lesson becomes an open forum, you know bullying red flags would be brought to light and picked apart. It would bring peers together so that the next time they see someone spiraling or getting attacked, they'll recognize it and have an idea of how to deal with it.

Because we have to take care of eachother. You know the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child?" same goes for a society. We have to be conscientious of each other and build each other up. Work together. Right now it feels like we're struggling alone in every sort of way but a functioning society relies on eachother.

We need more classes following the home-ec line. Maybe a semester of Carpeting. Learn how to fix a stair or a door. Maybe have a group make a large piece of furniture like a cabinet or a dresser.

TEACH US HOW TO KEEP A CAR IN SHAPE. JFC we need to put A.C. shit in the car but I don't know where to hook up the spray nozzle!

We need to know how to change a battery, tire, windshield wipers, change oil, and be taught what to do when certain things go wrong LIKE THE CAR CATCHING ON FIRE.

And we need to be taught basic house maintenance too. How to turn off the water or how to change a breaker. Learn what things need to be kept maintained and what can be ignored for a bit.

Our last freezer almost died because the fridge didn't have a good seal. Moisture got in and frosted over the mechanism in the freezer.

We spent a lot of money just for a guy to hold a hair dryer to it.

Seriously. Also a hot glue gun sealed the door whereas a new seal would have been hundreds of dollars.

In math we need to be taught how to write checks, do bills and make a budget. What are stocks? How does commerce work? I don't fuckin' know.

ALSO. COMPUTERS. I don't just mean typing, we should keep that yeah, but things like installing software and hardware and learning to navigate several types of operating systems. Learn how to replace a fan or something. Learn all those googling and research tricks.

OH AND LANGUAGES. I think everyone should take at least an introductory program on Spanish (or whatever secondary language is in the area) Like in D.C there were lots of Koreans and Arabic people.

Also freaking AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE. AT LEAST AN INTRODUCTION. jfc it's got American in the name and it's hardly offered. There may not be a whole lot of deaf people but it would be hella fuckin' useful in other settings as well. The military? Factories and other loud places? Places where you have to be QUIET. The possibilies are endless why the fuck aren't we utilizing this?

High school needs to teach us life skills. Ones that we need the second we're on our own.

College should be specifically for the careers we go into. Even if that means a few extra classes to get caught up in math, science or history.

And in High school you know what would be cool? Extra credit for shit like after-school jobs or activities. Actually acknowledging kids getting out and starting to put those skills to use.

Just imagine a student working a part time job at a theatre or something. Where they could take a form to their employer and they could review them after a period of time and show their teachers. Note anything special that they may have brought to the table.

Because maybe this would help employers see what each individual is capable of and where they excel. Maybe the student finds out "hey I'm good at this thing" or "I learned how to do a helpful thing because it was related to a thing I already learned" and it would in turn inspire the students to explore and learn even more.

Because everything else is changing in the world and if we don't change our structures with it, it's all going to come crashing down around us.

0 notes