#but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time

[xamaxenta]

It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way

This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow

but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month

None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion

#like i should be doing more #im very sorry for complaining so much online #i just dont really have any other way to express myself #i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear #but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter #matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal #but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time #i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to #but i also want to if that makes any sense at all #i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally #i want to stop being toxic towards myself #i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way #but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up #I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it #doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling #it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard #this is so woe is me #im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create #and i have none like thats so unfair #this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it #i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again #please im done i just dont want to