#but it was just a testament to how I've been trying to treat myself differently this year | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

loulines · 2 years

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I'm gonna make this purposefully long so that no one reads it.

Unless I opt out in the middle.

I no longer know what's going on on Tumblr, who's still around and who is not. I'm so out of the loop it's embarrassing.

I know my blog gradually faded out, even though I tried my hardest, real life won and took all the time I had saved for trying to draw.

Not that it matters, I know. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing it, since it will be just another "I my me mine" post. As if anyone ever cared about those. But maybe it'll be better if I treat it as a journal entry, one of those I used to write when I was young and still somewhat hopeful--so pretty much just me rambling into the void, where I'll be the only person who will read it again after a while and cringe hard.

Sorry for not drawing anymore. I'm still trying, but nowadays one project is taking me weeks or even months. Which is my own fault in a way, because whenever I do have the time to draw or write I usually just spend hours on procrastinating on YouTube. Watching videos of people making their dreams come true just so that I can later complain that I failed while trying to work on mine.

At least I stopped being unemployed... Which is the reason why I lost over 50 hours weekly from my life, but at least I can buy food and pay my bills.

But I never knew sacrificing drawing for that would take such a toll on me. I thought I'd manage. I didn't. Now I'm a self-diagnosed still officially "normal" person because I'm unable to seek mental health, not that it would be easy in this shit hole of a country. But when your self esteem runs off to another galaxy and your executive dysfunction decides to have the time of its life, you're stuck with your own thoughts while still being damn sure you're never gonna get help.

Also not living in America or any other wealthy country makes it all even worse. In the span of two years since I digged out this ancient blog and became active I realized no one gives a flying fuck you're from a poorer country with a completely different culture. No, you will have to act like an American or at least like a native English speaking person, and you will always be judged as one. No one cares that you don't know shit about their problems just like they don't know (and would never care to know) about yours. I mean, okay, I get it, you have to educate yourself before speaking to others and it took a while but I got there. But once the labels stick to you, they will stay attached forever. And I aim this to both the "good" and the "bad" guys out there, some of you are full of shit no matter which side you're on.

I remember when I was in a completely different fandom like 300 years ago. I had my ship, people had theirs. Holy fuck how I hated that other ship.

Not even once did it come to my mind to go and attack people who shipped it with words I've been hearing every day since 2020, and which where slapped onto my username with the strongest glue you can find.

At the end of the day I know that none of this matters as long as I know I'm none of these things, and the people I'm closest to know that too... Too bad it still matters to other people and it will make trying to achieve your dreams 1000 times harder.

Speaking of dreams, I'm probably already repeating myself, but yeah, I've seen them all crumble one by one until the only thing I could do is watch other people achieve what I could not. By now I've lost all hope on still trying to reach my goals and the fact I haven't even reached 1000 followers on Tumblr before almost all engagement and activity disappeared from my blog is a testament to that. And yes, I did care about that stuff, what a "surprise". Congratulations to those who don't, you're better than me.

I know my biggest problem is comparing myself to successful people too much. But I mean, you're always supposed to find someone you could look up to so I had my small collection of role models. I've always wanted to be like them one day and at some point I thought I was getting there but then reality slapped me hard, and here I am, writing this pathetic post to no one in particular instead of enjoying life and achieving my dreams.

After some of my friends asked me to start doing commissions I finally got the guts to do them, only to realize it's taking me too long to finish even one and while I'm currently in the middle of my second commission, I realize most people won't be ever willing to wait this long.

I was also thinking about selling stuff but I forgot I live in a shit hole and there's no point in making people pay a crazy amount of money just to ship something outside of my country. So I gave up on that as well. Not that it will be a loss to anyone but myself. There are other more talented people who have much more interesting stuff you can get. You're probably even wondering (assuming you even bothered to read the whole thing) why I feel so entitled to complain when there are tens of thousands of people like me. Yeah, I don't know either.

Usually at this point I consider deleting the entire post because I no longer know where I'm going with this. Does it really matter though? I wrote this mostly to myself because I'm not *that* naive to hope someone will read it (except from that one person who knows I know she will read it and then she will tell me again to get my shit together). So yeah, it doesn't matter if this post doesn't make fucking sense. I'm not a professional journalist or writer anyway.

I always feel weird and self-conscious about posting stuff like this because I never know if I suddenly get a surge of motivation to draw something. And if I did, it would be awkward to post it so soon as if nothing's wrong. Maybe that's why I should just shut the hell up.

If you reached the end of this post, I'm so sorry for all the time you've wasted reading this. Take care of yourself. Until next time whoever knows when.

#sorry for not answering your asks even though I only have like 2 or 3 of them

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nataliekabra · 1 year

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damn I really did outgrow her:') and I'm trying to find the sadness in that but I just can't and i think that's a testament to how much ive changed every day. me one year ago would not recognise me at all she wouldn't believe I'm actually happy with how I'm living now, and not even reluctantly. the thing im the most proud of myself for is how I'm actively trying to be better every day, how I've been trying for four years now, and it's insane because I was a completely different person a year ago, and completely different from that person two years back, and yeah? I left a toxic codependent relationship and went from literally grovelling and compromising every part of me for her to somehow??! being completely unaffected by her trying her hot and cold bullshit and entitled gaslighting again to the point I'm amazed by how little it bothered me. she feels like a distant memory, and I technically know how much I loved her but I just can't remember how that felt. however much I try. I know how much I begged and cried for her objectively, but I can't remember why. and the thing is she hasn't even changed, not in years. she's the same person I used to adore, just off the pedestal. but I have changed, so much, and I just...feel nothing. I can't connect with the rollercoaster of emotions I felt for her through the years at all. I can register I deserved better than how she treated me, but I know she'd have treated me the same way years ago and she'd do it now. nothing changed. and that doesn't...make me feel anything. it feels like it all happened to a different person. and that's so insane to me, because it breaks the fundamental belief system i lived by less than a year ago. like. damn. I've actually healed and moved on, completely. zero angst. It's insane

#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com

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deerydear · 5 months

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The way I looked at the world, back then:

"Who even cares if there could be negative consequences of HRT? I want to be happy!

If I have to sacrifice my health for happiness, then..."

I remember befriending people who said that we should have a right to commit suicide, if we want to. I honestly don't know whether I have a definite opinion about this.

I remember people who would cut themselves, wanting to graphically harm themselves, blind themselves.... and they'd get pissed off about being thrown in the psychiatric ward for it.

Although, I find that relatable.

Even if the psych ward's mission is to save your life, sometimes they are staffed by people who get off on having a power trip.

Sometimes, they incarcerate people who don't really need to be there, just to charge them money for staying there. It's really gay. A luxury hotel where you have to sit in a windowless room all day. All you have are some playing cards, books, crayons and paper.

No pencils, because they stopped giving kids pencils after a girl stabbed someone with one.

Then they say, "no, you really do need to be here. You say that you don't, because you have a serious mental illness and your judgement is impaired. Trust us."

The law was unfairly on my legal guardians' side. If they could be persuaded by a greedy conman, then I was treated by them as if I were chattel.

"Don't trust your daughter. We know what's best. We're the professionals, after all!"

I was saying a lot of confusing things.

...but most of them were things that I didn't believe.

This started off being a testimony of how one can warp under pressure.

"I should have the right to kill myself. I should have the right to maim myself, grievously injure myself. I should have the right to harm myself with drugs."

What this really means, in effect:

"You should sit back and watch while I do these things. If you try to stop me, I'll scream.

You aren't allowed to care about me. Caring goes against my political code of ethics!"

Unless you alienate everyone from you, with your fucking psychopathic "code of ethics"... then there is no one to care if you kill yourself, except from afar.

A wall in-between me and them.

I typed "us" and them, but every person could be "them"-ified. I even did it with myself. I locked myself away from myself. Until I was a hollow shell of nothing.

youtube

Rereading 1984.... it's like a mirror. It's like Winston was writing from inside my mind, like he was living in me.

I was originally just going to make a joke that this was my old "transition goal":

EXCEPT, IT REALLY KIND OF WAS!

NOT IN A 'GENDER' SENSE, BUT IN MY VISION OF MYSELF.

I WANTED TO BE A TESTAMENT. I WANTED TO BE COLD MARBLE, ENGRAVED WORDS... NEVER FORGET ME.

I wanted to sacrifice everything.

I wanted to become proof of a concept.

Except, I've always been a breathing, pretty girl... blushing like a flower.

The flowers come up, the bugs taste their sweet nectar, the ovary swells with seeds, the petals wilt, the next generation springs up in the next year. It's a gorgeous dance, full of color, form, groove, music....

Why would you give this up to try to become a cold marble statue that sits alone in a museum all day?

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In our museum collection: An old, worn picture of the suffragettes marching for freedom.

I have kept returning to that article about bearing false witness.

I see such a parallel with the online feminist groups that I've been a part of. Armchair activism. Yeah, there's people that actually make a difference. There's people out there serving the needy and helping people out of bondage.

...but at least on tumblr, "men" becomes synonymous with "patriarchs" and thus "woman-haters" and then from there your imagination may take you on a ride. It's like stepping into a completely different life.

...but just the way that other people write, "as a woman...", or "as women, we..."

To me, it's so...

Although, I feel like my attitude towards "online activism" was quite selfish.... I wanted to go blame this on the fact that I was twelve, but I know there are people who wouldn't have become the way that I did, if they were twelve at the time.

"Tumblr"

Can I blame tumblr?

Do you blame a fish for being entranced by an anglerfish's light? ...but wouldn't I be an anglerfish, too? Yin and yang...

We aren't actually predator and prey. We're authors, writing on computers.

Ahhhh... I think that my problem is that I kept the framework of "oppressor" vs. "oppressed"; which in neutered-SJW-speak seems to mean, "big meany butthead" and "innocent person who could never do harm, and never has. O sinless lamb."

I do question whether some people's Christian upbringing influence how they view politics, even if they renounced their faith.

I don't think the fact of Christian faith is the problem, I think that it's HOW you understand it.

That's so... unattractive to someone who wants to be a mindless consumer. "Buy buy buy! The instant cure to take away your sins! Fix your problems!"

No, but it's really a more intricate question. You have to discern truth from falsity.

The Devil doesn't create anything. He doesn't have the power of creation. He can only twist things that already have existed. He tries to twist Truth a little bit, so it doesn't fit into its socket anymore. This is how the Devil tries to take apart the machine.

Then he says, "oh, we need to rebuild the entire machine to fit around this twisted joint! Create a twisted reality to fit an injury!"

Instead of going back and just fixing the joint which was working smoothly and properly, before he deliberately injured it.

Is there any clear winner?

#lmao

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nathaniacolver · 2 years

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The mormon church did not let poc become full members until 1978, endorsed conversation "therapy" and still opposes queer relationships. Why do you have any desire to be a part of it?

hey, fantastic question! sorry for just now getting to this. we do have a sometimes-questionable history, but i mean, which group of people doesn't? which PERSON doesn't? i think for a lot of this stuff, the members at that time just didn't know.

yeah, i actually don't know a whole ton ab the Church's endorsement of conversion therapy, so if you could enlighten me, that'd be awesome! maybe an article or 2? but whatever happened, lol, Jesus never wanted that. it sucks that so many of those members had these hard prejudices against minority/disadvantaged groups, because like, did they not read the New Testament??? did they not literally see Jesus spend all his time with ALL the people who were disadvantaged/shunned/ostracized/disabled??????¿?

and i would hope that members of Jesus Christ's Church wouldn't treat queer people any different anymore. if they do.....................they are NOT living His standards, haha. the story of the woman caught in adultery (John 8) LITERALLY TEACHES US that we have no right to judge each other, because we all have sin. like. i am a sinner. the whole point is if you didn't have ANY sin, you would not still be alive on earth haha. so idk why people judge or oppress. they clearly do NOT know Jesus as well as they profess to. (another note ab the "woman caught in adultery" - everyone assumes she was with a guy, but like - isn't that the heteronormative view of the situation? 😂 point is, she coulda been gay, & we wouldn't know. either way, Jesus literally said He didn't condemn her at all, "go and sin no more." small note from my pov!)

the joseph smith comment as well - again, i don't know a whole lot about this, but the best thing is - my religion, my faith is NOT founded in Joseph Smith. it's founded in Jesus Christ. i've had "spiritual" experiences ("spiritual" might translate into "supernatural" or "inexplicable" situations for you) where it's like........there HAS to be some all-powerful being, non-mortal, that supports me & understands my situation. and that's the number 1 reason I believe in Jesus Christ - because He's shown me that he knows stuff that L I T E R A L L Y no other human could know about me, bc i never shared it with anyone. this is why we're not the Mormon church - our belief is not founded on Mormon. he just happens to be the historian who assembled this book in 410-420 AD, and that's why it's named after him. kinda like pythagoras' theorem, or newton's law of physics. they don't OWN those concepts, they just assembled & condensed them.

point is - i have a spiritual relationship with Jesus Christ, & He's shown me that this Church is His. this Church gives me the resources to learn more about Jesus Christ, to experience His power - that's why i'm a member. i'm a member because i trust Jesus Christ, that He shows me the best way to become the best possible version of myself. There's been way too many times where I just act on a feeling to talk to someone or to shoot them a text or to validate them in some way, and those people have come up to me afterwards & said "i don't know how you knew to say that......i NEEDED to hear that today." and like. my belief in Jesus gives me the power to do so. that's why I believe - i literally feel like I have more power to be a good person if I try to replicate Jesus Christ's life.

sorry for the rant 😅😅 happy to clarify anything if needed!

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