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daffodeela · 4 years

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flounder through the feeling for you

Summary: Jean heard about the scarf that Mikasa always wear was given by Eren. Mikasa was in front of him. Her fingers traced the rest of her scarf that was dangling. He couldn't hold himself from asking, "If I give you something one day, will you keep it?"

Notes: Attack on Titan by Hajime Isayama. I don't take any material advantage by writing this story.

Warning: grammatical errors. I know this is badly translated but I don't know how to translate it better ... My English sucks.

Available on AO3 and FFN.

Jean heard Connie and Sasha chuckling right behind him and he knew he was the object of the comedy they shared. He rolled his eyes, feeling exasperated. He blew his hair that was already lengthened and often covered his face. The gestures were happening because he still tried to hold himself from snapping at them. But, when their laughs were getting louder, he couldn't swallow his irked state any longer.

"Can you all shut up?" Jean spat.

Connie was still laughing. Sasha puffed her cheeks to hold any giggle, but her face was still full of noisy amusement.

"So, you really like Mikasa?" Connie threw a rhetorical question. Whether Jean answered it or not, he already held the answer.

"Yeah, Jean. You couldn't stop looking at her," Sasha said. She bit her lips hard to resist her laugh again. Her hands held her stomach. "Did you always do that all this time? How could we don't realize that?"

Jean could feel his whole face was getting hotter. His blood was flowing to his face which was caused by shame and anger from being mocked like this.

"It's because you two are stupid," he said. The sharp tone hadn't been gone from his words at all.

Instead of being angry because they didn't accept to be claimed as stupid as usual, Connie and Sasha laughed harder. The tip of their eyes was wet. Connie pointed his index finger to Jean during his laugh. Jean was confused receiving their responses which were getting crazier until he played his last sentence inside his mind. He palmed his forehead. Damn it.

"Connie, he just admitted that he always looked at Mikasa since the old days!"

Connie nodded. He swiftly added, "No wonder you're always angry at Eren!"

Jean shook his head while rubbing his face harshly. He expelled a long breath. "That's enough," he sighed.

The echo of their laugh was gone little by little. Jean, who still covered his face using his hand, was shocked when suddenly his right and left shoulder were tapped by two hands in different sizes. He glanced to the right and found Sasha.

"Have you ever told her?" Sasha asked. This time, her face looked serious, there was no hint of amusement at all. Jean glanced at Connie and found the exact same expression.

"Why do we talk about my love life?" Jean wrinkled his nose. Uncomfortableness filled his throat.

"Come on, we are your close friends, right?" Connie said. "You always kept it to yourself all this time, didn't you? Why don't you just tell us?"

Jean was quiet. He remembered the days when he was still a cadet. Marco was aware of how different the way he looked at Mikasa. He had started a talk about that a little bit, but Jean didn't want to let him dig into it. After Marco was fallen, the secret was also fallen with him. Jean had never talked about that to anyone. After all, as a soldier amidst the critical situations, his feeling for Mikasa wasn't something that was important. But, now he realized that he was a human first before a soldier. Feelings were something natural that descended him and he couldn't just ignore them forever.

"After the first supper with all of the cadets, I told her she had beautiful black hair. That's it," he said. He anticipated another mock from them, but his anticipation got no aim.

Sasha moved her fingers as if she was counting. "That was … about six years ago?" The octave of her voice was rising up. "You have liked her that long?"

Jean didn't answer.

"Wow," Connie responded. "Sasha, are we really that stupid or it's just Jean who is really good at hiding his feeling for Mikasa?"

Sasha shook her head. She was suddenly quiet, just realizing something. "Wait. You said that her hair was beautiful?"

"Yeah."

"Before I got in here, I saw Mikasa just cut her hair again. It wasn't even an hour ago," Sasha said. Her hand made a cutting movement right under her ear. "This short."

Jean shrugged. "That's her right. She can do whatever she wants." His memories were played into the moment Eren warned Mikasa to cut her hair so it wouldn't stick to the 3DMG. It made him frown because she cut her hair not based on her own will. Eren was the one who influenced her.

"So, you'll keep liking her even if she's bald?" Connie asked. Sasha cringed and hit his head.

"Why don't you just tell her?" Sasha asked.

"It's okay. There are a lot of things that are more important than that," Jean answered. "And I don't want to burden her for anything. I'll just let it go."

"You can do it little by little, you know? You can give her … what is it called?" Sasha raised her hands and made quoting symbols using her fingers. "Hints. You can praise her. You can still protect her.

Jean smirked. "Protect her? You know exactly how strong Mikasa is, don't you? She doesn't need that." Gleams of admiration and proudness were forming in his eyes.

Sasha looked astonished. "Wow. You do really like her," she mumbled softly. But, Jean could still hear her. "But you'll definitely do it when she needs one, right?"

"Of course."

"Wow. You do really like her," Connie repeated. Jean rolled his eyes.

"You can stay with her when she is sad," Sasha suggested. "But you have to do it sincerely, don't expect anything."

"I know," Jean responded. He stared at Sasha seriously. "By the way, it's weird to hear you talk like that."

Sasha released an exasperated breath. "Jean, I'm a girl too."

"That's Mikasa!" Connie shouted out of the blue. Jean swiftly moved his gaze to the direction Connie stared at. He was right, Mikasa was there. He didn't know why his heart was beating so loud immediately—louder than when he saw Mikasa usually. He could feel his face was getting hot again.

"Oi, Mikasa! Mikasa!" Connie yelled, sneered, and waved his hand at the same time. Sasha slapped her forehead and shook her head. That fool.

Mikasa turned her head without walking closer to them. She said nothing and only waited until Connie stated his purpose.

"Jean wants to talk to you!"

Jean tried so hard to not hit the back of Connie's head. When he uplifted his face, Mikasa was already staring at him. The girl was still as quiet as she was before. Her gaze made her seem like waiting for something from him. Jean, who really didn't know what to say, just waved his hand. His mouth was opened slightly. "H-hi?" he said, stammering.

Mikasa frowned. "Hi," she said stiffly. She was quiet for a while, still waiting for something, until deciding to continue her walk and leaving the three of them.

Sasha stared at Jean in disbelief. "What the hell was that?"

Jean palmed his face. "I have no idea either."

Jean was done checking the supply and condition of the ammunition that was placed inside the room. He discussed with Commander Hange regarding the number of weapons the military needed. There was too much dust that was inhaled from the room until his throat felt itchy. He walked to the back of the room, a place that straightly faced a field, to take some fresh air. A bottle of water was already on his hand.

Cough attacked him. He opened the bottle and drank the water from there while walking. He was aghast when he realized Mikasa was there too. The water was spilled and wetting his clothes. His palm supported his wobbly body to the wooden wall. A splinter from the wall stabbed his finger deeply. He immediately pulled his hand.

Mikasa approached him. "Are you okay?"

Jean patted on his wet chest. He whimpered quietly when he felt the splinter was being pushed further through his skin. He wanted to answer that he was okay, but Mikasa herself could see that he wasn't. But, he still answered, "I'm fi—"

His words were cut by the sudden movement of Mikasa pulling his right hand. The girl took a look at his palm and her breath hitched when she saw his index finger. "A splinter," she said.

In the middle of his stuttered state, he could only nod.

"You got it just now, right?"

Once again, he could only nod.

"This can cause an infection." Mikasa reached the bottle from his left hand. She shed the rest of the water to his right hand. "Do you have a needle?"

"No," he answered. He finally found his voice. "It's okay! It's just a small wound. I had been stabbed by a bigger wood, you know? You were," heat was filling his face, "... you were the one who treated it too."

Mikasa ignored his words. She tried to pull the splinter from his hand harshly, but it was still stuck. Jean whimpered. Blood was flowing from the cut of his wound.

"Sorry."

Mikasa bowed. She tucked her hair to the back of her ear. When he realized how close the distance between her face and his palm, Jean swiftly pulled his hand from her hold.

"Wait. What are you trying to do?"

"I'll bite the splinter."

"What?!" Jean felt like his neck was throttled. He was having a hard time swallowing his saliva.

"My fingers are too big to pull it."

Jean shook his head. "I can do it by myself." He immediately bit the tip of the splinter that was still showing on the surface of his skin and pulled it slowly. The splinter was released and he spit it to the ground. Nevertheless, his mind couldn't be held from imagining if Mikasa was the one who did it. The daydream felt too much for him. He could feel a throttled sensation around his neck again. He closed his eyes tightly.

"Thank you," Jean said when he was finally enabled to control himself.

Mikasa shrugged. "I didn't do anything." She rested his back to the wall again. Not knowing what he would do although the place was his destination from the start, he also did the same.

Her hand was stretched to him to give him the bottle back silently. Jean spilled the last drop of the water inside the bottle onto his wound. When he finished, he closed the bottle. His focus was on Mikasa.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

Mikasa held her head. She closed her eyes tightly, looking like someone in pain. She pressed her back harder to the wall. Jean held her arm in reflex so she wouldn't fall.

"Are you okay?"

When the pain was done attacking her, Mikasa straightened her body. She nodded. "I'm okay." She grasped the scarf around her neck. "Just a common headache. It's over."

Jean moved his gaze when he was sure Mikasa didn't show any pain in her face. She was already back to the posture of the strongest woman that he had ever met. His throat was burned since he ever heard about the scarf that Mikasa always used was given by Eren. He wanted to confirm it, but just thinking about hearing her answer "yes" annoyed him. He couldn't imagine if it was true.

Silence surrounded them. Jean felt that his throat was finally free from the dust, but he didn't want to go from here yet. Mikasa seemed the same as he was. He recalled that his question about what she was doing here was left hung. He wanted to ask her again, but awkwardness stopped him.

"What did you want to say?" Mikasa asked suddenly.

Jean wanted to slap his forehead once again. His chest was full of shame. He felt irritated. "It was nothing. Connie just wanted to make fun of me."

"Oh."

Silence accompanied them again. It made him remember Sasha's words. About Mikasa's hair. About praising Mikasa. He turned his head to her with no doubt. He knew she would be aware of his gaze on her soon. His assumption was proven as Mikasa turned her head towards him too and threw a question from her eyes.

"You cut your hair again," Jean said.

"Yes."

Jean stared at her face without blinking. He knew red was already tinted his face again, but he kept smiling. "It looks good on you "

Her facial expression showed no significant difference, but her eyes were widened. She touched the tip of her hair and glanced at her hand. "Thank you."

Jean was astonished. Her response wasn't as cold as when the very first time he praised her beautiful hair. Of course , he thought, we didn't know each other that day. Maybe she thought it was creepy. Meanwhile, right now we are … friends? Right. Friends.

Mikasa grasped her scarf again. Her fingers traced the long material until the edge of it before her hand was back to the side of her body. Uncomfortableness stung Jean's chest.

"Mikasa," Jean called.

"Hm?" she mumbled without turning her head.

"If I give you something one day, will you really keep it?"

She turned her head too fast until he was worried it would hurt her. No, he thought, Mikasa is so much stronger than that. His focus was on her surprised face.

Jean shook his head and rubbed his hair. There was a suspense that made him want to hear her answer, but he remembered his words to Sasha about he didn't want to burden her regarding this. Take it little by little. He grinned and waved his hand.

"Just forget it, okay?" he said lightly. He shoved his free hand to the pocket of his pants. His foot kicked a pebble before he straightened his body and walked away from Mikasa. Before he turned to the other side of the building, he dimly heard, "I'll keep it."

He didn't know whether it was his daydream or not. He left the question there without digging any confirmation at all. For now, it was better to be stuck in between reality and reverie. Because being biased to one of it would break something inside him right now or one day.

#jeankasa #jeanmika #Jean Kirschtein #jean kirstein #Mikasa Ackerman #fanfiction #AoT #snk #my fic

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