#but i had a bad anxiety day that featured 2 panic attacks and my husband took us on an impromtu picnic at my favorite beach spot yesterday

[sxvxrxssnape]

my diet these days have been wildly fluctuating between being vegan bc that's what i ultimately have wanted to be for like 4+ years, switching to vegetarian after a few weeks (namely when groceries run out and i don't have much money) bc it's cheaper and i have severe anxiety when it comes to eating out/with others and it's easier to simply request no meat than no animal product altogether, to being so fucking depressed i can't bother with food/don't even care to eat so I just rely on whatever my husband makes/brings home and it's always meat based but at that point I could care less and it continues until either im so god damn tired of feeling sick all the time (ive been vegetarian for 70% of the last 6 years, and vegan for about 20% it, so my body just doesn't like eating differently and i only went vegan in the first place bc i was constantly feeling ill) or my food anxiety over what I'm eating finally overtakes my depression of not wanting to stay alive, and I go back to being vegan

but the problem with fluctuating so constantly based on my moods is that it makes interacting with people so difficult. it's a constant "wait I thought you didn't eat meat" and "but you ate the barbeque we made last week :( I tried something new with the smoker and I'm really proud of it :(" which makes me feel awful and i just give in and eat it but my anxiety is yelling at me for eating things that aren't on my safe list but my self hatred eats at me if I don't bc then I have to tell my husband, who went out of his way after work to splurge on a food item my anxiety can't handle right now because "you said you were having a bad day and i just wanted to cheer you up :(" that I don't want it and wow doesn't that make me look ungrateful

like my ideal would be a mainly vegetarian diet with vegan things mixed in whenever I can afford it/just feel like having it and the only thing stopping me from living like that is the anxiety of being a burden to the people around me/being labeled as difficult bc I won't eat something. I tend to only eat vegan at home and when I see a cool already vegan menu item and vegetarian is such a low maintenance request but the idea of having any request makes me anxious (and it's so god damn difficult, I have trouble asking if I can get a fucking crunchwrap with no tomatoes bc I feel im asking for too much) and i hate attracting attention towards myself when food is involved i hate it hate it I hate it i hate everything about it and eating it and the way foods not on my safe list makes me feel and how it feels like I'm suffocating from it

my only real saving grace right now is being pregnant i can just brush it all off with "oh im trying to keep it vegetarian like I was before but sometimes the baby is just really craving fried chicken haha :)" despite the fact that i have had zero cravings and I'm only eating x bc at this point it's that or starve myself and I'm too tired to think about food and it's a good excuse for why I'm constantly jumping from diet to diet, but I'm kinda wondering what im gonna do after the baby is born, but I'm hoping it gets better and i stop feeling like a stranger in my own body and feel more in control after the baby is born bc I can't look at my god damn reflection or keep my hands from measuring the circumference of my thighs to make sure they're still the same size and my eyes/body dysmorphia are just playing tricks on me and they're not suddenly 3x in size, and maybe everything will go back to normal after all this bc I am so god damn tired of still having food anxiety after like 7 fucking years

Sometimes I wish I was an annoying vegan animal rights activist who remained committed to their diet for the animals but i only did it for health reasons/it was the easiest step to recovery after finally reaching a breaking point with my eating disorder but apparently I never got past the "its okay to eat as long as it's healthy" step bc now whenever my depression throws my life to the side i stop caring about what I eat bc I stop caring about being alive and then its just a matter of time until my anxiety about food is worse and it's a constant cycle of it all and I'm fucking tired m8. i used to say I had an eating disorder. Had. But I'm starting to think it never actually went away. It just found a different way to manifest.

#i would be fucking surprised if any of this made any god damn sense #im sorry for the rant im sorry for being a bother #but i had a bad anxiety day that featured 2 panic attacks and my husband took us on an impromtu picnic at my favorite beach spot yesterday #and picked up my usual from burger king #and I'm in the middle of my 'can only eat safe foods' anxiety #so i was up half the night having a panic attack and wanting to hurt myself for eating something not on the list #and this was after a doctors appt which always causes terrible anxiety #i managed to eat half my usual breakfast then spent the next hour trying to breathe through the 'maybe you should never eat again' anxiety #so im fucking tired and done with it all #my post #food anxiety #eating disorder #tw

[tisfan]

The Epic Saga of my Life

Okay, seriously. Just... stop.

Yesterday morning I get up and my milk is a solid chunk of glop because the fridge side has gone out. (this is the same fridge that 3 weeks ago was turning my vegetables into fucking ice cubes in the crisper drawer. That we’ve replaced the ice maker, and the water tubing 3 times, that we replaced the motor for last year.

The thing came with the house when we moved in 6 years ago. When we got it, the water line was full of mildew and we couldn’t use it because we couldn’t get black water to stop coming out of the line. (there’s NO filter on this model, either)

So, freezer’s still working (mostly-- there’s a fuckton of ice build up in the back, and randomly it goes out for a few hours at a time, long enough to melt ice and dump water all over my floor, which it’s been doing on and off for like 2 years now.)

But, now it’s 85 degrees INSIDE the fridge. So, that’s a no go.

We go out, shop around, talk to like 6 people about fridges... find a fridge we like that we can (mostly) afford. It’s a clearance model, so it has all the features I want, too, so that’s great.

Right? You’d think?

Nope. The delivery guys come out today, fuss for a while, start to move the old fridge out... and while they’re pretty sure they can get the old fridge out (mostly. it’ll be some work) they’re positive that the new fridge isn’t coming IN.

So, they take it back and we go BACK to the store. 

The sales guy is pretty convinced that -- based on our measurements of the stairs, that they COULD have gotten the new fridge in, but the movers say no, it’s not happening (this takes like 45 minutes of phone calls)

We look around and look around and look around, finally pick a new, new fridge (also on clearance) that’s what they call a “counter depth” which means it’s smaller, front to back. It’s not everything that I want, but it’s everything my husband wants.

Oh, right, I have a husband! Let me back up and tell you about that... so, this morning at 6am, my husband has a MASSIVE panic attack about the whole money situation. He almost fell in the bathroom, so I had to get him out of there, into the bedroom, and onto my side of the bed (he was in the shower, so now the bed is wet, but honestly, I’m mostly okay with that, because falling in the bathroom? bad.)

So, he takes an anxiety pill, and then his knee is bothering him, so he takes a pain pill (these pills do not interact, except that they both make him loopy and sleepy) so I put him back to bed. He gets up when the fridge guys are here being condescending assholes to me because I didn’t measure the stairs.

We got a fucking sofa bed through those stairs, I don’t see why the fridge won’t fit with the doors off...

So, now it’s past lunch, I’ve spent the last 2 days dealing with this bullshit. They’re going to come tomorrow to deliver the new new fridge. My food is melting all over my floor so like 90% of it has to be thrown away. There’s water all over the floor. yay.

I absolutely do NOT have time for a mental breakdown right now. But hopefully it will all be over soon.

There’s a meme I’ve seen on tumblr going around that I totally relate to. That.. you know how you think everything will be fine, if you can just get through this week, except, it’s like every week?

Yeah. That.

#tisfan bitches #moan and gripe #bitch bich bitch

[whydidyoutakemeaway]

1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is he heavyset, thin, short, rangy?

I am a fucking tree, it’s ridiculous.  I have to duck to get into most places, it sucks. Recently I’ve gained a lot of muscle mass thanks to football, so I’m not nearly as lanky as I used to be which is nice.

2. How old is he?

Forty.

3. Describe his posture. Does he carry himself well or does he/she slouch?

I slouch because otherwise I bang my head against everything.

4. How is his health? Is he fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities?

I’m a bit of a health and fitness nut, so I keep myself in shape.  Plus I enjoy using my kids and husband as work out equipment.  You gotta have fun.  

5. How does he move? Is he clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid?

Oh, christ, I’m the clumsiest person on the god damn planet.

6. How attractive is this character physically? How does he perceive himself in the mirror?

I used to be hot when I had my long hair, now I look a damn 16 year old again, I’m not a fan.  Wally tells me I’m still hot though, but I believed him more when my hair was longer.

7. Describe his complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred?

I’m a fucking ghost.

8. Describe his hair: color, texture, style.

This is just depressing and I’m not answering it.

9. What color are his eyes?

Green.

10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features?

My nose takes up half my face, but hey, my jawline makes up for it.

11. What are his chief tension centers?

Wally.

12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does he have six of the same suit?

I like bright colors to trick people into thinking I’m not a rain cloud.  A lot of the things I own are bold and patterned because I don’t like boring, but there’s also nothing wrong with a plain white t shirt or band shirt which are a staple in my closet along with black skinny jeans.  I tend to be more on the dressy side because if you look good you feel good, but sweaters are also the love of my life, sorry Wally.  But it too.  damn.  hot.  to wear them here so rest in peace beloved sweaters.

13. Do his clothes fit well? Does he seem comfortable in them?

Don’t laugh, but I wear women’s jeans because they fit better, okay, leave me alone.  My pants are a second skin and that’s how I like them.

14. Does he dress the same on the job as he/she does in his free time? If not, what are the differences?

Oh, god no.  Like all aspiring musicians, I wait tables, so not the most fashionable career, and half the time I was covered in food because either I dropped something, or someone ran into me.  Please don’t be the asshole in restaurants who waves their arms around or slides back in a chair without looking.  Thankfully, they’re considering me for a promotion and hopefully I won’t have to deal with that anymore.  Also, thank god I can dress normally for tutoring.

15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando?

Boxers.

Speech 1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse?

I give Morgan Freeman a run for his money.

2. How does he/she normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does he/she talk easily, or does he/she hesitate?

I speak so low, softly and slowly that I literally put my kids to sleep just by talking to them.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics?

Wally hates me when I do it, but I switch accents all the time.  I hate my New York accent so I’m glad that when the campus was in London I picked up the accent, but I’m also really good at mimicking accents and I’m determined to teach all of our kids how to talk with different accents.

4. What language/s does he/she speak, and with how much fluency?

I speak sarcasm.

5. Does he/she switch languages or dialects in certain situations? 

Like I said, I switch randomly, sometimes halfway through a conversation.  It’s fun to fuck with people on the phone.  Wow I’m an asshole.

6. Is he/she a good impromptu speaker, or does he/she have to think about his words?

I am a terrible impromptu speaker because I curse like a sailor.  I’m definitely not rated PG and I actively have to stop myself from saying fuck or shit every sentence.  I’m surprised my kids haven’t started cussing yet, but it’s gonna happen.  They’ve heard a lot.

7. Is he/she eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change?

I’m extremely eloquent, and I have a fake it till you make it mentality so I can ramble for as long as it takes for me to form a coherent thought that actually makes sense or answers the question.

Mental and Emotional 1. How intelligent is this character? Is he/she book-smart or street-smart?

Street smart and book smart, but the book smarts are not a god given ability and I work really fucking hard for my 4.0.

2. Does he/she think on his feet, or does he/she need time to deliberate?

Growing up on the streets of New York you learn how to think on your feet, you’d be dead otherwise.

3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is he/she more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical?

Is it possible to be all four at the same time, because I’m all four at the same time.

4. What kind of education has the character had?

I never went to middle school, that’s when life turned to shit for me and after elementary school I found the gang and actual school wasn’t really a thing.  Being sent to Walt four years ago was really the only schooling I actually remember and they started me back about a year because of that, so I was the old man of my graduating class.  But now I have a year at Stanford under my belt and it’s been absolutely incredible.  Stanford has truly been a blessing.

5. What are his/her areas of expertise? What, if anything, is he/she interested in learning more about?

I’m mediocre at basically everything I do, the only thing I’m an expert at is being an asshole and having the perfect sarcastic comment ready in the blink of an eye.

6. Is he/she an introvert or an extrovert?

I’m a hermit.  Wally used to threaten me that he’d send people my way and make them be friends with me.

7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is he/she even-tempered or does he/she have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven?

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I had DID, because I never know what kind of mood I’m gonna be in, or which one of my different personalities (Princess Ollie, Hippie Ollie, Hermit Ollie...) will be ready to face the world when I wake up in the morning... Maybe I do have DID, I do have a lot of different personalities, holy shit now I’m scared.

8. How does he/she respond to new people or situations? Is he/she suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic?

I have really fucking bad social anxiety that is a fairly recent thing, it’s because of Walt I have it, I hate talking to new people, it’s honestly the scariest thing for me because I feel like I bother whoever I’m talking to.

9. Is he/she more likely to act, or to react?

Both, it depends.

10. Which is his/her default: fight or flight?

Fight.  I’m a lover and a fighter.

11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does he/she appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks?

I personally believe I’m the funniest person ever but Wally just glares at me every time I make a pun, which is a lot.  At least my kids think I’m funny.  My husband also hates when I prank him but I think my pranks are better than my puns.  It’s debatable.

12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does he/she deal with them?

I have social anxiety and PTSD, it’s quite the combination.  I’m literally terrified of talking to people.  And please, for the love of god, don’t call me Olliepop, I’m about to cry just thinking about it.  Some kid I tutor called me that one day and I had to cancel because my mind goes back to a very dark time and I’d rather not relive that moment over any more.  So unless you want me to have a panic attack and collapse into a puddle of my own tears, do not call me Olliepop.

13. What moments in this character’s life have defined him/her as a person?

Both times Wally fell on my, my mom’s coma, Wally’s coma and the whole Runt thing which is the reason I have PTSD, proposing to Wally, getting a full scholarship to Stanford and when we brought the kids into our lives.

14. What does he/she fear?

Everything, but mostly, becoming nothing.

15. What are his/her hopes or aspirations?  

I just want to be a husband and dad my family can be proud to call theirs.  I don’t expect football or music to go anywhere for me, but even if they do, the only thing that matters to me is my family and if they asked me to, I’d give up everything for them just to be there for them.

16. What is something he/she doesn’t want anyone to find out about him/her?

I don’t want anyone to know that I feel like I have no control over my life.  I feel like I’m constantly on the edge of fucking up everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life.  I’m just terrified all the damn time and I’ve forgotten what it feels like not to worry or care about what happens and just go with the flow.

Relationships 1. Describe this character’s relationship with his/her parents.

We do not have enough time to go into this roller coaster, but I’m the biggest fucking mama’s boy that has ever walked this earth.  Not a day has gone by that I haven’t talked to my mom, even when I thought she was dead, for the longest time I thought I was crazy because I swore I could hold actual conversations with my mom, even as far as hearing her voice, when she was gone.  I’m exactly like my mama, she’s my best friend.  My dad and I have been through a lot, but we’re good now.  He’s good to my mom and that’s all that matters, and we’ve gotten over what happened between us in the past, we’ve both apologized and it’s so nice to have a healthy relationship with my dad after everything.  God, I love my family.

2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like?

I have a baby sister and I haven’t met her yet, but I can’t say I’m one of those older brothers who couldn’t wait to meet their little sister, because honestly it feels like my parents replaced me, and because missed out on my childhood and raising me, I feel like they’re gonna have this bond with her that we never got and it’s actually heartbreaking...

3. Are there other blood relatives to whom he/she is close? Are there ones he/she can’t stand?

I literally know nothing about any of my family other than my mom and dad, all I know is that my grandparents are all assholes.  I guess that’s where I get it from.

4. Are there other, unrelated people whom he/she considers part of his family? What are his/her relationships with them?

The gang, god you all are as much my family as you can get.  Fagin, I miss you so fucking much, and it’s weird to think that last parents week you were here and we were having a juggling contest, which I won by the way.  Tito, Ethan, Rita, Dodge, Frankie, you all made me who I am today even if you weren’t there every step of the way and we have a lot of catching up to do, but honestly, I’d be nothing without you guys.

5. Who is/was the character’s best friend? How did they meet?

I just so happen to be lucky enough to be married to my best friend and he fucking fell on me twice.  Never gonna let him live that down, nope.

6. Does he/she have other close friends?

Hahahahahahahaha.  Me?  Have friends?  That’s funny.

7. Does he/she make friends easily, or does he/she have trouble getting along with people?

Wow I’m laughing so much, this is so depressing.

8. Which does he/she consider more important: family or friends?

This one’s a hard one... I think I’m gonna have to go with... family.  Why you ask??? Because I don’t have any friends! Wow!

9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has he/she been married more than once?

I’m married as fuck and have been since I was five years old.

10. Is he/she currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse?

Do you know how hard it was to make one person like me, let alone love me?  You really think I could do that again??????

11. Who was his/her first crush? Who is his/her latest?

The asshole six year old who fell on me.  The asshole seventeen year old with a nice ass who fell on me.

12. What does he/she look for in a romantic partner?

Wally.

13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does he/she relate to them? If no, does he/she want any?

Two perfect little babies, well one perfect one and one who hates me, but we’re working on it.  Me and Wally have forty eight more to go so hopefully at least one of them will like me too.

14. Does he/she have any rivals or enemies?

The world.

15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does he/she fall on the Kinsey scale?

This is the only time in my life I can say I’m number one.  Wow, that makes me sound like a terrible husband.

16. How does he/she feel about sex? How important is it to him/her?

Christ, have you seen my husband?  If I could fuck him every second of every day you bet his ass I would.  Well, at least with cuddle breaks in between because I do have to get my cuddle fix in too.  I have a problem, I can’t keep my hands off of him nor do I ever want to.  

17. What are his/her turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits?

Not giving Wally anything more to torment me with, god knows he does it enough already.

Beliefs 1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does he/she fit type?

I am very much a Leo.  Let me list the ways: I like to think I have a big heart and am always willing to drop everything for anyone for any reason, I’m straightforward as hell and have no problem speaking my mind, and if you give me the chance to be I’m probably the most loyal person you could ever meet, there is no getting rid of my once I’m in your life, you’re stuck with me.  Also I’m headstrong and possessive as fuck, just ask Wally.  You can’t argue with me and you especially cannot even look at Wally for too long before I get upset because he’s mine and I’m all that matters.

2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in his/her life?

I’m both, and both are equally extremely important in my life.  I remember going to church on sundays with my mom when I was little and being so amazed with this higher power looking after us all, but when I lost my mom, I spent so much time being angry at that very god for taking her from me.  How could some almighty being do that to me?  How could they let all the bad things in the world happen?  I lost faith for a while until I started believing in fate and destiny and everything happening for a reason which is what my entire life has been based around, and I realize that now looking back I wouldn’t be here living the life I am if just one of those things happened differently in my life, and that’s scary as hell.

3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it?

Live a good, clean, healthy life and be someone you’re proud of; would ten year old you be proud of the person you are today?  All I want to do is make lost, scared, little ten year old Ollie proud one day.

4. How does he/she regard beliefs that differ from his? Is he/she tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent?  

I try, I try so fucking hard not to judge people, but I can’t help it.  Especially when it comes to smoking and drugs.  I had to watch my soulmate flatline because of that shit, so yeah, not the biggest fan of it or people who use them.

5. What prejudices does he/she hold? Are they irrational or does he/she have a good reason for them?

See above.

Daily Life 1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is he/she rich, poor, comfortable, in debt?

Not where I want to be, but surviving, and somewhat thriving.

2. What is his/her social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected him/her?

Like everything in my life this has been a roller coaster.  The place I am now is pretty much how it was when I was little with my mom, and it’s better than it was back in New York because at least I have a job other than pickpocket and an actual place on my own.

3. Where does he/she live? House, apartment, trailer? Is his/her home his/her castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does he/she share it with others?

I live in what Wally calls a tall person apartment, because I would never survive in anything else.  Our tiny apartment is my safe haven and forever my favorite place to be because I know my babies are always gonna be there when I get home.

4. Besides the basic necessities, what does he/she spend his/her money on?

I don’t like spending money, but when I do it’s on Wally and the kids.

5. What does he/she do for a living? Is he/she good at it? Does he/she enjoy it, or would he/she rather be doing something else?

I’m a tutor and a waiter, but hopefully for not much longer because I hate it, but I’m not particularly bad at it because I do get really nice tips.  God, I’d love to be doing something else.  I’m hoping something comes of that call to the producer because honestly, music is the dream.

6. What are his/her interests or hobbies? How does he/she spend his/her free time?

What free time?  The free time I do have is spent with my family because being with them will forever be my favorite thing to do.

7. What are his/her eating habits? Does he/she skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods?

I skip a lot of meals, but not on purpose, I just forget to eat a lot because I’m always busy, and yes I know that’s bad.  I also drink.  A lot.  A lot more than I should when I do, but I’ve been good lately.  But I’m such a happy drunk sometimes it’s nice to just be so fucking happy for once.

Associations Which of the following do you associate with the character, or which is his/her favorite:

1. Color?  

Orange and green.

2. Smell?

Cinnamon pinecones.  

3. Time of day?

Morning.

4. Season?

It’s a tie between fall and winter.

5. Book?

I like Dr. Suess books okay.

6. Music?

Rock and acoustic.

7. Place?

New York City.

8. Substance?

Gross

9. Plant?

A weed.

10. Animal?

Cat.

#about #watask #my love for oliver spade grows stronger every day #as well as my hatred for him